- Ally, recap? - Remember the Kowolskis?
They've owned this shop for 30 years, and they are attempting to set a record
by making Buffalo's largest cookie, and you have to wear this.
- A hair net? - Health department.
You're kidding me. If you're working around the cookie,
you have to have it on.
It's the law. I just did the hair. The hair is perfect.
All right. Give it to me.
God, why do you hate me?
We're rolling. And speed.
For three decades, the Kowolski family bakery
has been a mainstay in downtown Buffalo,
known for their sinfully sweet, cream-filled Polski Pierogis,
and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows.
But today, in honor of their 30th anniversary,
they've invited us to ride along as they go for the record
on Buffalo's biggest cookie.
Vol. Vol. You need a tissue or something?
Can we get Vol a tissue or a spoon?
It's a good thing we're wearing these today,
'cause I wouldn't want any stray hairs
to fall into the booger.
Are we gonna do this again? No. We can cut to B-roll.
Moving on! So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
Well, man from health department
say he find rat pellet in our pastry, but I say, "No."
Is big chocolate sprinkle. But he shut store down.
So we clean up, make big cookie
for to bring customers back.
Well, I admire your candor. Let's try that again, shall we?
So tell me, Mama. Why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?
So the children of the neighborhood will be happy?
That's right. It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.
I work in back. I see no smiles.
The previous Buffalo record was eight feet, seven inches,
baked by Gladys Pelsnick.
If this cookie beats Gladys's, it will prove once and for all
that the Kowolskis have much more free time.
And the cookie is 10 feet, four inches.
We have a new record!
Cue the cheesy inspirational music!
But what are we really looking at here?
Is it just a big cookie, or does this cookie represent the pride of Buffalo,
its dedicated and hardworking citizens the key ingredient,
with a few nuts thrown in,
and, finally, the love of our families, which provides the warm, chewy center,
making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News. - And cut it.
What do you think?
I think it's really good. It sucks.
It's a story about a cookie.
The Pillsbury Doughboy will be riveted.
Honey, it was funny. It made me laugh.
There's nothing wrong with making people laugh.
I'll never be an anchorman, not with this.
The job's right there, but I can't reach it,
because every time they make me do this stuff,
I have to act like a total goof in order to make it work.
I have no credibility. Not good. Not good.
You know what? Now you're just sounding silly.
Know what? Forget it.
It's not important, right? It's not important.
Let's watch it one more time. Oh, no.
Just once more. Please? No. No.
Bruce, you promised you would help with this album.
Now, you get your goofy butt over here.
Uh-uh.
Okay.
Okay. Okay. Now, you just go through this stack,
and you pick your favorites.
Oh, come on. This is fun. Right? Isn't this fun?
This is nice.
Evan's gonna get that anchor job, I just know it.
Ah, Bruce! He's the favorite.
All right. You know what? Just forget it. Let's just forget it.
This is just our life. We can always just have some kid do it for us.
Whoa! Hold the phone! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.
How did you get that? That's supposed to be in our private stash.
You look perky, hon. It must've been cold. All right. Just give it to me.
I think I'll put this on my computer
and use it as wallpaper. No, no, no.
Okay. Give it to me. Come on! No, no, no.
All right. Fine. Do with it what you will. I don't care.
I will do with it what I will. Jesus.
You know, I might even send this in to Playboy.
I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful. Give that to me right now!
Jesus. Right now!
Rough stuff! I'm gonna hurt you...
Sweetie? Time to get up.
Good dream. No. No.
Well, the Buffalo Sabres lost again last night at the hands of the Toronto Maple Leafs.
It was a shootout on the ice for our home... Of course. They're my team.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
You know, I think there might be something to this cookie line.
All the greatest anchors have had their own signature sign-off,
like Wal-ter Cron-kite.
And that's the way it was. That's the way the cookie crumbles.
And that's the way... l like it...
Oh, no. Grace, the dog!
I'm in the shower!
No, Sam! Bad dog!
Inside, bad. Outside, good.
Oh, you're done now. Great.
B-E-A-utiful.
Come on. Let's go back inside and have a shit.
What is the deal-io? We are having a blood drive.
Creepy. Needles. Yuck.
Well, they need my blood. I have a very rare blood type.
I'm A. B. Positive. Really?
I'm I. B. Positive.
I be positive, they ain't touching me with no needle. It's just so...
Helpful and lifesaving? No. It's your blood. It's blood.
Blood's supposed to stay inside the body. That's where it's meant to be.
Besides, they stockpile this stuff in a warehouse somewhere.
It's all frozen on ice, and they tell everybody there's a shortage.
That's just not true. Where did you hear that?
From a very reliable friend of a friend of a girl,
whose sister's going out with someone very high up in the government.
But for your own protection, I cannot discuss it at this time.
Now, get out before they see us together.
Oh, no.
Oh. Here. Hold on a second. You need these more than I do.
What is these? Prayer beads.
The kids made them for me. They will keep you safe.
I hope they're powerful.
I'm gonna need a frigging miracle to get to work on time.
This isn't happening. Not now. Not during sweeps week.
Not during sweeps week!
Oh, God.
Yeah. Yeah. Meeting's started without me.
This is my luck. This is my luck!
Shit.
Oh, come on. Come on. Come on. Come on!
Jesus. Get out of there!
"R Ewe Blind." No, but I'm late.
Is your child in dire jeopardy?
Find out tonight after the game.
Okay. Promos are approved.
Now, let's... Uh, Jack,
shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?
I mean, this is his last week.
Yeah, Jack. Any word on the open anchor position?
Evan, when I know something, you'll know something.
Sorry I'm late. Traffic was...
Did you guys already play the spots? It's a nice story, Bruce,
but we're gonna go with Evan's piece,
sex scandal in the mayor's office for sweeps.
Oh, yeah. Sweeps.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles.
I'm just messing with you, Bruce.
See, you just got to remember that the newsroom is like a big cookie.
Do you like jazz, Evan? Yeah.
Let me play something for you.
I can hold that note all day, buddy. - Knock it off, guys.
Bruce, we're gonna keep your story in reserve.
Now, can we get back to the board,
so we'll have something to put on the air today?
Great choice, Jack. This is the Cadillac of bolognas.
Okay. Thanks. Jack, can I talk to you a second?
Yeah. Sure, Bruce. What do you need? Sweeps.
Bruce. Jack. Jack! Hear me out here.
I'm starting to get desperate, man.
I'm pushing 40, and what have I got to show for it?
I've hit some kind of a ceiling here.
There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.
And Evan is loving it, by the way. Loving it.
He gets the stories. He gets on sweeps. Maybe I should be more like Evan.
You don't wanna be like Evan. Evan's an asshole.
I can be an asshole. No, Bruce. You can't.
You gonna pick that up? Yeah. I'm sorry. It's... I'm losing it.
It's just this whole anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.
Hi, Susan.
Hi, Jack.
Look, Bruce. You're a good reporter. You make people laugh.
All right. I'll tell you what. Today is the 156th anniversary of the Maid of the Mist.
I want you at Niagara Falls in an hour.
Maid of the Mist? That's always live.
But Evan always does live feeds.
Now you and Evan get the live feeds.
I'm going live? During sweeps? But watch your step, Bruce.
I've seen your outtakes. Jack, you will not regret this.
And I won't forget you when I go national. Uh, can you...
Thanks, pal.
Can I have your wish now? I'm gonna put it in the wish jar. Thank you.
Okay. Put your wish in there. Me too.
Put your wish in there. Look at that. Looks like a big wish.
Oh, no, no. Oh, no. Martin, don't... Don't eat that. Don't eat that.
Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey.
That must've tasted awful. Mommy!
Oh, Zoe-Baboey! Did you have a good time with Aunt Crazy today?
Yeah? See how nice this is? Baby on the hip?
Oh, it's amazing. You've become Mom.
The transformation is complete.
Oh. I'll get it.
Small Wonders Day Care. Grace?
No. It's Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.
Oh, all right. Okay, okay, okay. Bye, Debbie!
Hi. Hi. Sorry. Debbie forgot to take her meds today. Where are you?
Oh, a little place called the winner's circle. I'm at the falls doing a live report.
Live? That's great! Yeah! It's happening, hon.
I got sweeps, and I'm live.
You know what that means? They're seeing if I can think on my feet,
you know, like, I might have to do in a live news anchor situation.
Oh, my gosh.
Yeah. It's what we've always talked about, Grace.
Jack practically came out and told me. Practically?
Well, he didn't spell it out, but legally, he can't.
But this is exactly what happened to Susan Ortega
just before they bumped her up.
It's good. It's good. It's good.
Okay. Well, honey, I just don't...
I don't want you to get too ahead of yourself.
Bruce? Oh, I got to go. They're calling me in.
Oh. Okay, honey. Good luck. I love you.
Love, love, love, love, love.
Let's do it.
- They want you close to the falls. - Really?
I'm gonna get soaked. That's the point.
They want you to put this on.
Part of the condition of us getting the exclusive.
You know what? Nothing can bother me today. Nothing.
Okay. Now, remember. It's their 156th-year anniversary.
149 capacity. Right.
They cater to tourists, honeymooners... And people insanely thirsty.
I get it. Okay.
And you are gonna be interviewing Irene Dansfield.
Irene! Pleasure to meet you. Truly.
You look beautiful. Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage.
Wow. Rub that in my face, why don't you? Ninety seconds!
Ninety seconds? Holy hell. Uh, yeah. Okay. 90 seconds?
Because of the fast response, the toxic chemicals were cleaned up without incident.
Susan? Bruce Nolan is standing by at Niagara Falls,
but before we go live to Bruce, we have an announcement to make.
As everyone knows, after 33 years, our beloved Pete Fineman is retiring.
Pete's shoes are virtually impossible to fill, but the show must go on,
and we could think of no one better than our very own Evan Baxter.
Oh... Oh, boy.
Congratulations, Evan. EVAN: Thanks, Susan. I'm thrilled and honored.
And as you said,
no one can replace the great Pete Fineman, but I will do my best.
I have to say, I am so proud to be a part of our local community of Buffalo,
and I think, in a lot of ways, a great city is like a great recipe, really.
You take hardworking citizens, add some caregivers, maybe a few nuts,
all sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.
Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.
That was amazing. I meant it.
I wish I'd written something. And now let's go live
to that wacky Bruce Nolan out at Niagara Falls.
Hey! Wacky Bruce!
Bruce? Talk, Bruce. Hello?
Talk, honey. Talk. What's going on?
We got a Walt Disney. He's frozen solid.
We may not have audio. Check the feed.
We may be having a bit of technical difficulty.
Feed's good, Jack.
Move. Come on. Come on. Come on. Talk, Bruce, damn it!
All right. Get ready to pull the plug. Come on, baby. Say something.
Say something. Bruce, talk.
- Hi, Susan. - Oh, thank you, God.
Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid of the Mist
in fabulous Niagara Falls, New York.
First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber...
Pardon me. Bastard. Baxter, rather.
It is good to see what someone with talent can do,
when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.
Anyway, I'm here with Katharine Hepburn's mom. Tell me.
Why did you throw the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel
over the railing of the Titanic?
Did you feel bad at all letting Leo DiCaprio drown,
while you were safe, floating on the door?
Could you have taken turns,
or were you just too afraid to freeze your big, fat ass off?
I guess that's how life is, isn't it?
Some people are drenched, freezing to death on a stupid boat, with a stupid hat,
while others are in a comfy news studio, sucking up all the glory.
Oh, well. No big deal. - Oh, boy.
Oh, look. It's the owner of the Maid of the Mist.
Let's have a talk with him, shall we? Come on in here, Bill.
That's all right. No, no, no, no. No, no.
Come on. Let's have a talk.
Come on. What are you doing?
Bill, you've been running the Maid of the Mist for 23 years now.
Tell me. Why do you think I didn't get the anchor job?
Hey, man. I don't want problems. Is it my hair, Bill?
Are my teeth not white enough?
Or like the great falls, is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?
Eroding! Eroding! Eroding!
Cut the feed. Go to black.
Go to black. I'm on it.
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!
Oh, boy. Oh, my God.
That is perfect. That is the motivation that I needed!
Right there! Thank you.
Thank you, W. K. B. W!
Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners!
That's what that stands for!
I'll see you on Channel 5, where they do the real news.
Do I look blind to you? Do I look blind to you?
Hey. Let's go, man. Come on. Let's go.
What are you doing over there? Come on. Leave the poor guy alone.
You okay, man?
Yeah, you'd better keep walking.
What? What'd you say, ése?
Run, man! Run!
Oh, God!
Okay, okay, okay! I didn't mean it! I was just kidding!
Hey, you forgot your things.
Say something to that. Say something.
B-E-A-utiful.
That's what I get...
That's what I get for trying to help someone.
Oh, don't look at me, Walter.
Oh, no!
Well, that's my payment, I guess. That... That is my reward.
Just? Just get a clue!
Thank God you're all right.
God. Yeah. Let's thank God. Shall we?
For his blessings are raining down upon me.
Wait! That's not rain! GRACE: Bruce, please don't do that, honey.
You know that everything happens for a reason.
That I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I have no bird. I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush.
Oh, I see. So God is picking on you, is that what you're saying?
No. He's ignoring me completely.
He's far too busy giving Evan everything he wants.
Oh, that's great, Sam, but you missed your target. I'm over here!
Don't get mad at the dog. It's not the dog's fault.
No. It's God's fault. I gave him the wrong coordinates.
All right. You know what? Enough. All right?
Will you stop being such a martyr?
I am not being a martyr. I'm a victim.
God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill
with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.
He could fix my life in five minutes if he wanted to,
but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!
Sweetheart, I know you're mad. It's understandable.
What Evan did is slimy and wrong, but this day could've been so much worse.
I'm just glad you're okay. Okay? News flash! I'm not okay.
I'm not okay with a mediocre job! I'm not okay with a mediocre apartment.
I'm not okay with a mediocre life!
So is that what you think that we have? A mediocre life?
Don't make this about you. About me?
How could I make this about me? It's about you! It's always about you!
Perfect. Perfect.
I'll have the worst day of my life
with a side order of guilt, please!
Oh.
Okay, God. You want me to talk to you?
Then talk back. Tell me what's going on.
What should I do? Give me a signal.
Oh, I need your guidance, Lord. Please send me a sign.
Ah, what's this joker doing now?
Okay. All right. I'll try it your way.
All right. Lord, I need a miracle.
I'm desperate. I need your help, Lord.
Please reach into my life. Hey!
What the he... I got you!
Hey!
Fine! The gloves are off, pal!
Come on! Let me see a little wrath.
Smite me, O mighty smiter!
You're the one who should be fired!
The only one around here not doing his job is you!
Answer me!
Sorry. Don't know you.
Wouldn't call you if I did.
Oh.
Oh, God. Oh.
Hello, "5550123."
Oh, no! Sam, this has got to stop.
All right. Now, get it straight here.
That's the house. This is the bathroom. House. Bathroom.
Bathroom. House. House. Bathroom. Bathroom. House.
What's the point?
"5550123"
Denied that promotion at work? Is life unfair?
Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?
Is your name Bruce? Then do we have the job for you.
We're located at 7725623rd Street.
So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.
"Omni Presents."
Oh, yeah. The glass is half full.
Oh, geez!
Come on! Look! What is that? What is that?
Ah, geez! Thank you. Thank you again.
What the...
You're looking for Room 7.
Yeah. I figured.
You want me to even those up for you?
How do I get to Room 7?
That'll be on the seventh floor. Stairs are right over there.
- I'd rather take the elevator. - Out of order.
I love the stairs though. They were my second choice.
Do you mind giving me a hand with this floor?
What? That's good.
Are you serious?
Oh, I'm kind of busy.
Um, rain check. I'll hold you to it.
I'm free on the seventh at 7:00.
Seventh at 7:00 it is.
This looks promising.
Hello? Another "hugantic, ginormic" waste of my life.
Hello?
Yo! I'm looking for whoever runs - Be right with you.
I'm trying to fix a light. Tell me if it's working.
Yeah. Seems to be.
Kind of bright, though. Yeah. It is for most people.
Spend their lives in the dark trying to hide from me.
Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?
Yeah, but I'll get around to it.
You install the Clapper? ELECTRICIAN: No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?
Clap on, clap off. Clap on, clap off the Clapper.
Just can't get it out of my head.
Good luck with that. I'm gonna go now.
Okay. But the boss'll be right out.
You must be Bruce. I've been expecting you.
This is hilarious.
So you're the boss and the electrician and the janitor?
Must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk, though.
One of you might need a ride home.
You always were funny, Bruce, just like your father.
He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either, son.
People underestimate the benefit of good old manual labor.
There's freedom in it. Some of the happiest people in the world
go home smelling to high heaven at the end of the day.
All right. What is this?
How do you know my father, and how did you get my pager number?
Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce,
just about everything there is to know.
Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing,
right there in that file cabinet.
Wow. A whole drawer just for me. Yeah.
Mind if I take a look? It's your life.
This ought to be good.
Now, this last entry was a little disturbing.
"The gloves are off, God.
"God has taken my bird and my bush.
"God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass."
"Smite me, O mighty smiter!"
Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.
Are you spying on me?
Who are you?
I'm the one.
Creator of the heavens and the earth, alpha and omega.
Oh, I see where this is going.
Bruce, I'm God.
Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer?
Our survey says, "God!" Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!
Well, it was nice to meet you, God.
Thank you for the Grand Canyon,
and good luck with the apocalypse.
Oh, and by the way, you suck!
You know what would've been a little more impressive, though?
If you hadn't used the cheesy file cabinet illusion.
Anybody with a brain stem can tell that
that drawer is being fed through the wall from the other side.
All you have to do is find the crease, right around here.
There is a seam here or a hollow spot.
Where? Through the drywall and concrete?
Okay. That is a good one. That is a good one.
Okay. How many fingers am I holding up? Now, Bruce.
Thou shalt not tempt the Lord... Hey, if you can't do it, man, that's cool.
Three. Two. Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One.
Okay.
How many now? Seven.
You've been doing a lot of complaining about me, Bruce.
And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. Wait. Don't come near me.
When I'm backed into a corner, I'm like a wild animal.
I don't wanna hurt you, but I will, out of instinct.
You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl.
Yeah, but she was huge. She had been held back.
And the sun was in your eyes. Oh, there you go.
In a way, I brought you here to offer you a job.
Job? What job? My job.
You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.
When you leave this building, you will be endowed with all my powers.
Whatever you say, pal.
Okay. That did not happen, and no one needs to hear about it.
I'm deleting the program.
No. No. I'm having a breakdown, that's what it is.
Normal, everyday psychotic episode caused by a tumor or brain lesion.
Come on. Start!
That was lucky.
Come on, man. Calm down.
You did not meet God, you do not have his powers.
If that was God, then I'm Clint Eastwood.
Holy hell!
Be careful what you wish for, punk.
No. No. No.
I am a reasonable, sane human being with a .44 Magnum,
the most powerful handgun in the wo...
I'm not Clint Eastwood. I'm Bruce Nolan.
Bruce Nolan. I'm Bruce No-lan!
Oh, it's not real. It's not real.
Coffee? Yeah. Uh, coffee. Yeah.
We have a special on soup today. No. That's fine. Thank you.
It's tomato. I made it myself.
Okay. Okay.
Excuse me. I need a sp...
it's okay. I found one.
Here's your soup.
Oh, soup. Right. Uh, yeah. Right.
Having fun?
Thy... Thou... Come. Take a closer walk with me.
Let me explain the rules. Rules?
Yeah. You left in such a rush, I didn't get a chance to explain.
Two extra fingers freaked me out a little bit.
I just figured I'd get your attention.
I did the same thing to Gandhi, he didn't eat for three weeks.
Anyway, here's the deal.
You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.
There are only two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God.
Believe me, you don't want that kind of attention.
And you can't mess with free will.
Can I ask why? Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it!
This is amazing. Speaking of amazing. Excuse me.
Oh.
Holy sh... Cow.
Since you're through with these, I think I'll keep them.
Might come in handy someday.
See you around, kid.
Where you going? I'm taking a vacation.
God doesn't take vacations, does he? Do... ye?
Did you ever hear of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered.
You can clear everything up in five minutes if you want to, right?
Ciao.
I've got the power
Boom!
I've got the power
And he saw that it was good.
I've got the power
Whoa.
Getting, getting getting kind of heavy
I've got the power
B-E-A-utiful.
Hey. Check it out. Check it out. Hey. Check it out.
Oh, look. It's the hero. What's up, homie?
Yo, brethren, what up with thee? Blessings on your alley.
Looking for another can of whoop-ass?
You didn't get enough, Mr. Hero? He wants some more.
Surely I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight.
So as soon as you apologize and make a full reckoning of your transgressions,
I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.
What are you talking about, man?
Straight up. You talk kind of funny, you know what I mean?
I don't know if you've lost it all up in here or what, but check this out, homie.
You want me and the homies to apologize, right?
Cool. Tell you what.
We'll apologize the day a monkey comes out of my butt.
Then you get your "sorry." How about that?
What a coincidence, because that's today.
Oh!
Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?
Oh.
This is some voodoo shit, man. Let's go!
Are you guys leaving?
Hey, don't forget your parting gifts!
Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy.
No!
I am Bruce Almighty!
My will be done!
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on a bus
Trying to make his way
Home
My God. You can call me Bruce.
What happened to you? You seem so...
...happy.
Why shouldn't I be on a night like this?
Wow. Those are amazing. What are these?
They're a new breed.
Cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.
I call them tu-daisies.
Okay.
Honey, these flowers are really beautiful, but last night...
Last night, I was only human.
Barry, help me out here.
Oh, baby
Yeah, I'll be here
Forever and ever yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'll see you through
Making love to you right now That's all I wanna do
'Cause I found
What the world is searching for
For someone just like you make me feel the way you do
Never, never gonna give you up
I'm never, ever gonna stop
Not the way I feel about you
Girl, I just can't live without you
Honey. Hi. Wow.
I've never seen the moon that big! Yeah.
Oh, baby
We really shouldn't waste it.
Bedroom? Five minutes.
Let there be light.
I'll be out in a minute.
Don't rush yourself.
Sometimes anticipation can heighten the pleasure.
Oh, God! Oh!
It's a funny thing about pleasure.
Wow. It can be quite pleasurable!
Oh, my God!
Pleasurable. Oh, God!
Pleasurable. Pleasurable.
In international news, Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort
to rescue hundreds of people stranded by a freak tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City.
Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused
by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity.
More on this as it develops.
Please bless my mommy, my daddy and especially my little sister.
MAN
Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.
Sam!
Good boy.
Forget something?
Good boy. There are girls in the house, huh?
Morning. Morning!
I made you grilled cheese. Ooh, my favey!
Honey, last night was just... Heavenly? I know. I know.
I mean, I woke up this morning,
and I felt like my boobs were bigger.
I mean, do they look bigger to you? Uh, what? Your... No.
Bigger? Oh, come on! Look at them!
Please. They are definitely bigger. I mean, look. They feel huge.
Well, listen, I have to go, but this has been the breast bek... Breast...
Thank you. Where are you going?
To get my job back.
Yeah, yeah
I am great
Yeah, yeah, I am...
Good grief. Is that what I'm driving?
Whoa. Nice car, man.
Yeah. It gets me from "A" to "B."
Oh, darn. All this horsepower and no room to gallop.
Heigh-ho, Silver, away!
I certainly wouldn't want to be a fugitive on the run with Hank,
Buffalo's number-one police dog on the job.
This is Phil Sidleman reporting from the Police Canine Training Center,
Channel 5 News.
And cut it.
Hey! Hey! Look what the cat coughed up!
Channel 7, right?
You're the guy that went crazy? I had a bad moment.
What are you doing here? Just looking for a story.
There's no story here. This pond is all fished out.
Pretty standard stuff anyway. I don't know.
My instinct tells me there's something more.
Yeah? Well, go with that. It served you well in the past, right?
Hey! Hank found something!
Over here!
Get the camera! Now!
It's locked, and the keys are inside!
I guess every dog has his day.
Hey, kid. You wanna make 10 bucks? Sure.
You know how to use one of these?
Duh.
Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.
The body of Jimmy Hoffa was uncovered in a field today
outside of a canine training center in Buffalo, New York.
Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene. - Thank you, Jane.
As you can see behind us, the body is being carefully exhumed,
and will be transported to a medical facility,
where D.N.A. testing can confirm the identity.
That, however, merely a formality at this point,
as in a bizarre twist, the body was found buried with a birth certificate
and complete set of dental records.
I'd call that a red-letter day for any K-9 unit, but was that enough for old Hank here?
No, sirree. Moments later, he busted a local news camera crew
with 220 pounds of marijuana.
I never saw it before, I swear!
I'm Bruce Nolan, and that's the way the cookie crumbles.
Yeah! Did you like that?
Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Hi, Bruce. Oh, hi, Susan.
Good work. I'm impressed.
Jack, did you need me for something? Bruce! Bruce!
Just the man I wanna see. Hey.
Hoffa? What are the odds of that? What are the odds of that?
Bruce, why don't you sit down? Okay.
I'm gonna be straight with you. We want you back, Bruce.
But I want you to understand it was not my decision to let you go.
When the big guy gives the order, you got to...
No harm, no foul, Jack.
I needed some time to reassess my goals
and get in touch with my true self.
You did that in a day? Imagine what I could do with seven.
Look, Bruce. It is not in my power to give you anchor.
Now, as far as field reporting goes, if you're looking for a bump...
Jack, let's just cut the crap and get down to brass tacks here.
I'm kidding with you, and you...
I had you going, Jackie. Don't even worry about it, old friend.
You just give me a camera, Jack, I'll give you the news.
A little less conversation a little more action
All this aggravation ain't "satisfactioning" me
My secret is that I let the jalapeños marinate in a spicy sauce
for at least 24 hours before I stir it into the chili.
Then I let it all come to a simmer b... Oh!
Hold that thought, Hazel!
It seems as if an asteroid or some kind of meteorite
has just hit ground right outside the Mark Twain Chili Cook-Off.
This should certainly spice things up a bit.
His stories are all over town.
From unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...
To a meteor crashing to earth...
Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...
Yeah a little less conversation a little more action
All this conversation ain't "satisfactioning" me
A little more bite and a little more bark
A little less fight and a little more spark
And that's the way the cookie crumbles!
Was this Bruce's idea?
He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty and luxurious serenity.
I got to tell you. He is really impressing me lately.
You know where he's taking me to dinner tonight?
Where?
The Blue Palm?
Oh, my gosh. I just got chills. I know.
And he told me to prepare for the most memorable night of our entire lives.
Oh, my gosh. Grace, he's gonna propose.
Stop it. No. Really?
Yeah. Really. Come on. You do the math.
He sends you all day to a beauty spa.
He's taking you to the most romantic restaurant,
where you had your first date.
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but Bruce is right.
This is your big night.
Relax and enjoy it. Oh, God.
Welcome to Eyewitness News at 6:00 with Susan Ortega,
Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports,
Dallas Coleman, weather.
And now, Buffalo's number-one news team.
Good evening, and welcome to Eyewitness News at 6:00. I'm Susan Ortega.
And I'm Evan Baxter, and here's what's making news.
A potential scandal with the Buffalo P. D. Surfaced today,
when the mayor...
I'm sorry. I'm seem to have something stuck in my...
Somebody get him some water.
Looks like my new co-anchor may need a glass of water.
Oh. There we go. Sorry about that.
In other news, the prime minister of Sweden
visited Washington today,
and my tiny little nipples went to France.
What did he just say? Check the prompter.
The prompter's fine. Evan, read the copy, please.
The copy's good. Just read it.
The White House reception committee greeted the prime rib roast minister,
and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.
I "lika" do the cha-cha.
I'm sorry. We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
In other news...
My apologies.
If I ruled the world
Every day would be the first day of spring
Every heart would have a new song to sing
And we'd sing
Of the joy every morning would bring
If I ruled the world
Every man would be as free as a bird
May I? Certainly.
Thank you.
Every voice would be a voice to be heard
it's perfect. She'll love it.
We would treasure each day that occurs
You know, I was gonna...
I was gonna wait until after the meal,
but it's gonna burst out of me like an alien if I don't do it now.
Oh, God. Oh, my God. Okay.
This is it, isn't it? I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for this.
I mean, I'm ready for this. I just don't know if I would...
I didn't think I would have... I'm sorry. Go on.
I didn't know this was so important to you. Me neither. Me neither.
Oh.
Grace. Yes.
I got anchor.
Yes.
Apparently, it wasn't working out with Evan,
so he's gonna finish out the week, and I go live on Monday.
That's great, honey. That's great. I know. I know.
Wow.
So that's what this is all about?
Well, yeah. Yeah.
Grace, we got anchor.
Jack's throwing me a party Friday night
at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate.
What's the matter? Nothing.
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Oh, I feel so stupid. I feel stupid.
Wow, it is kind of loud in here, isn't it?
No, it's not loud. Geez, can you keep it down to a dull roar?
What are you... Thank you.
Is that supposed to be funny?
'Cause that is not funny. If I should die before I wake.
I pray the Lord my soul to take. What are you saying?
What is wrong with you? Stop yelling!
Uh, would you excuse me? I think I'll take a little trip to the...
The wine is going right through me.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Keep going, Tony! You're great! Oh, God.
What is going on here? Oh, what is this? Give me a break!
Really something, isn't it?
Is this heaven?
No, this is Mount Everest.
You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time.
But I guess you can't now, being dead and all.
I'm dead? Nah, I'm just messing with you.
That's not funny, man. That is not funny! Okay.
And what about the voices in my head?
Is that part of the hilarity? No, those are prayers.
And you keep ignoring them, they're gonna build up on you like that.
But it's just noise. I can't understand them.
Well, you're not listening, son.
Let's see.
You've had my powers for a little over a week now.
How many people have you helped?
I took care of a few things.
I righted a few wrongs in my own life first, okay?
I was gonna help the others.
I think I could help the world. The world?
That wasn't the world.
That was just Buffalo between 57th Street and Commonwealth.
Oh.
I didn't want to start you off with more than you could handle.
Well, you took the job, Bruce, so I suggest you get to it.
Seeing him smile would make me so happy.
Prayers, prayers. Okay, prayers. Oh!
This creepy whisper thing has to end.
Organization and management is what I need.
I need a system. Something concrete. Concentrate!
Files.
Let all prayers be organized into files.
Well, that takes care of the voices. Not exactly a space saver though.
Grace might notice. I know. Prayer Post-Its!
Shh!
Okay, I need something with a lock, security, combination, a password.
A password.
Yahweh!
You've got prayers.
"Welcome to the revelation superhighway.
"We bless. No mess." Downloading now.
It's good. It's good.
This is gonna take a while.
One million and five hundred forty seven thousand
five hundred and three prayer requests?
I'd better manifest some coffee.
Hola, Juan Valdéz.
Buenos días. Buenos días.
Disfrute un buen café. Gracias, señor.
Adiós. Adiós.
Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.
It's good. It's good!
Okay, I had to have made some kind of a dent by now.
Oh, come on!
What a bunch of whiners. This is gonna suck up my whole life.
You know what?
Yes to all!
Yeah, there you go. Now everybody's happy.
I'll drink to that. My tech stocks tripled in five days.
You know something, Joe? You seem taller.
I am.
My daughter pitched a no-hitter.
I lost 47 pounds on the Krispy Kreme diet.
Hey, there he is, the man of the hour!
Bless you. Bless all of you.
Be fruitful and do long division or something.
Hey, try that. It's an excellent year.
Hey, Bruce. Hey.
Who do you like in the game tonight?
I like the Sabres. Coach prays a lot. Okay.
And I hear it in the windy storm
And I feel it in the icy dawn
God gave me everything I want, now, come on
I'll give it all to you, babe
God gave me everything I want
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.
Grace, are you there?
Hello. It's me.
Hello? Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Come on, Grace. Come to the party.
I'll call you later, okay?
Come on, Sam.
Help me out here.
Nature's not doing it.
What'd you wish when you... - Oh, Sam, don't! Come on!
If I told you, it might not come true.
What is it you want, Mary? What do you want?
You... You want the moon?
Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
Hey, that's a pretty good idea.
I'll give you the moon, Mary. I'll take it.
Then what?
Well, then you could swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see?
The moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes
and the ends of your hair...
Hey, this is Bruce, Grace and Sam...
Hi, Bruce.
What are you doing in here all alone?
Oh, I was just gonna... Oh, I mean...
I was gonna give Grace a call.
Yeah, I didn't see her in there.
So, how are you and Grace doing?
Well, actually, we had a bit of a fight.
Kind of... I'm not sure if she's...
You're on fire, Bruce.
Some women can't handle the fire.
Some can.
That's interesting, 'cause, you know, I never thought we would ever talk.
Grace!
Everything so confusing
You might wanna stop touching me. Now isn't a good time. Grace!
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
Grace! Grace, come here!
Grace, this is so weird. I was just calling you.
Oh, yeah. What?
And you thought, like, Susan's mouth was the phone?
She kissed me. I didn't... I'm the "kissee."
Oh, please. Grace...
Yeah, you were putting up a really big fight.
I tried to fight her off. I tried to stop her, but she's really strong.
Okay, I screwed up. Can I make it up to you?
Yeah! Why don't you get me a boat, Bruce.
What? Yeah, a big boat.
And then maybe two big bags of cash. Then... Then I'll be happy.
Lots of money and lots of stuff.
Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies
with the man that they've loved for five years.
But not me, Bruce. Just give me the boat.
No wonder you stayed single!
Oh! Grace, don't do this! I'm not doing this.
I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's.
You take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.
You can't leave me.
I'm the alpha, lady! I'm the omega, baby!
Okay, fine. I don't need you.
What's the matter, Bruce? She can't handle a little competition?
The game's been called on account of rain.
An unusually high number of lottery winners has New York officials concerned.
So far, 1,100 winning tickets have been turned in,
all strangely from the Buffalo area.
More on this story as it develops.
Enjoying your party?
Nothing like spending quality time with great friends, huh?
Grace left me.
Yeah, I know.
She'll take me back.
She'll take me back, right? Would you take you back?
Oh.
How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?
Welcome to my world, son.
You come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.
Rise and shine, Buffalo.
It's 70 and sunny, and the perfect day to forgive Bruce.
I don't know much
But I know I love you
Bye. Have fun.
You got it.
Every point of view has another angle
And every angle has its merit
And do you ever feel
That there is something missing
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
Hi. Can I get a small coffee to go?
Sure, hon. Just a sec.
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Do you ever feel
That there is something missing
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And the restless soul is searching
There's a God-shaped hole in all of us
And it's a void only he can fill
Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. Oh, gosh, please don't put that in your mouth.
We don't eat that. Oh, that's not food.
Go to the bathroom, please. Wash out your mouth. Wash off your hands.
God, I swear that kid is gonna poop an ornament.
One more time, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.
All right. That's it! That's it!
Hi.
I surrender! I surrender! I surrender.
Hi. Hi.
I'm doing my first anchor tonight. Oh, wow! That's great!
So how have you been doing? Good.
Yeah? Yeah. Good.
Just... Debbie won the lottery. Oh, yeah? You're kidding.
But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, $17.
I miss you.
Okay.
I took the first step. Jumped out on the ledge.
Feeling pretty vulnerable too.
I don't know what you want me to say.
Just say you love me and you want me back.
No, Bruce. Come on. What about all the signs?
How did you know about that? Did you talk to Debbie?
Look, would it help if I just said that I was a complete ass?
Hey, you said "ass." Yeah, but it's okay
if I'm talking about a donkey.
I didn't say "hole." If I said "ass"... Wait! Wait!
Okay, you know what, honey? Let's go. Let's go inside.
All right, kids. Everybody inside. Time to go inside.
Grace, please, none of this seems right without you.
Yeah, I got to go.
Wait!
How do you feel now?
Have you completely lost your mind?
What? Are you drunk? Yeah, I'm drunk. Drunk with power.
Love me. Love me.
Love me. Love me!
I did.
Yeah, I know, free will. Oh, God.
More power outages reported today caused by last week's meteorite strike.
Officials are desperately trying to repair several transformers
damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.
The scene nearly turned violent
when hundreds of disgruntled Buffalo residents
protested last week's lottery results.
And doomsayers are pointing to last week's strange celestial events
as signs that prophesy is now being fulfilled
and the world as we know it may be coming to an end.
World's gone mad.
Bruce, 30 seconds to air. Okay. Okay.
There you are. It's your big debut. How are you feeling?
You know what? Fine. Never better.
Show must go on, right?
The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup. You're kidding me!
Was that tonight? That's great, isn't it?
It's getting pretty crazy out there.
We're gonna kick live to Fred at the stadium, okay?
Five seconds to the open. This is it.
You ready? Born that way.
Welcome to Eyewitness News at 6:00, with Susan Ortega,
Bruce Nolan,
Fred Donohue, sports, Dallas Coleman, weather.
And now, Buffalo's number-one news team.
I'm Susan Ortega. I'm Bruce Nolan.
And here's what's making news.
What happened? What the hell happened? We lost power.
Transformer's down again. Oh, geez.
Ever since that damn meteorite hit.
It's okay. We're back up.
We apologize for the interruption.
And now back to the news. Bruce.
Thank you, Susan. I'm sorry.
We're going live to H. S. B. C. Arena,
where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup.
Great. Fred.
We're about to uncork some champagne
because the Sabres have won their first championship in 22 years!
What in the blue blazes...
We'll be back with the Sabres' Stanley Cup victory in just a hot second.
In other news... Bloody hell!
For the love of God, what is it now? The whole booth is down.
No, it's not! In other news, fighting erupted
in the Gaza Strip today, as lsraelis and Palestinians...
Bruce. What?
We've got a situation here. They're rioting right outside the station.
You're kidding. The whole town has gone crazy.
Come on, Bruce. Say something.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this just in.
Possibly, the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen.
And I got to go.
I'm sorry, Jack.
Susan, it's all yours.
MAN
Come back with my bubble gum machine!
The lottery sucks! I only won 17 bucks!
MAN
Oh! Oh, no!
God!
God?
Are you here?
Hello? I need your help. Clap on. Clap on.
Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!
Figures!
Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.
Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.
They're all out of control.
It's mayhem. I don't know what to do.
Well, you're right on time, 7:00.
The seventh at 7:00.
All righty then.
There we are. It's good. It's good!
It's a wonderful thing.
No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it right up.
There were so many, I just gave them all what they wanted.
Yeah.
But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?
So what do I do?
Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick.
A single mom who's working two jobs
and still finds time to take her kid to soccer practice,
that's a miracle.
A teenager who says no to drugs
and yes to an education, that's a miracle.
People want me to do everything for them.
But what they don't realize is they have the power.
You wanna see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.
Wait. Are you leaving?
Yeah. I see that you can handle things now.
But what if I need you. What if I have questions?
That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem.
You keep looking up.
Order has been restored in Buffalo after this evening's downtown riot.
State officials have suspended all lottery sales pending further investigation.
No injuries were reported in the melee, however, there were dozens...
I've got to be honest I think you know
We're covered in lies and that's okay
Okay.
There's somewhere beyond this I know
Well, thanks a million. Oh, not a problem.
God bless.
Hope I can find the words to say
Never again, no
Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh away.
If you don't like it, megabyte me.
'Cause you're a god and I am not
And I just thought that you would know
Evan. Bruce.
I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position.
Go ahead. Take your best shot. Actually, I...
I just came to tell you that I've been a royal prick.
The anchor position is yours. I turned down the job.
Oh, and I never really congratulated you in the first place.
Congratulations.
'Cause you're a God and I am not
Thanks, Bruce.
In the financial world, things are settling back to normal
in what analysts are calling a fluke market fluctuation.
You made the right move, Jack. So what about you?
Are you ready to go back out there?
And do the cutesy stuff? The lighter side of the news?
Lower and debase myself for the amusement of total strangers?
Yeah, I could do that. Sounds like fun. Good.
Okay, Sammy, let's do it right, like all the other dogs.
I don't wanna make you feel bad, but they're laughing at you.
They're laughing at you.
Come on. Concentrate. There you go. Come on. Pump it out if you have to.
What am I gonna do with you?
I know this seems kind of crazy,
but desperate times calls for desperate measures.
Yeah. Okay. Okay, Sammy.
Do your thing.
That's it. That's it. Good boy!
Training my dog.
'Cause you're a God and I am not
And I just thought that you would know
You're a God and I am not
And I just thought I'd let you go
Yes, we did it! We did it!
Bow-wow-wow Yippee-yo, yippee-yay.
We're doing it doggy style.
I'll alert Penthouse Forum. Hi, Deb. How are you?
How's Grace?
I really didn't come to chat, okay, Bruce? I came for Grace's stuff.
You need... No, it's okay. I've got it.
I don't... I don't know if she... I don't know if she wants that or not.
This is full. You did all this?
You know what I do every night before I go to bed?
I tuck my kids in, maybe have a scoop of ice cream and watch Conan.
You know what Grace does?
She prays.
Most of the time for you.
Find Grace Connelly.
The woman does pray a lot.
Find Grace, then Bruce.
"Dear God, please help Bruce find himself, find contentment, find you.
"Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggling.
"Dear God, give Bruce strength."
"Dear God, bless Bruce."
Bruce. Bruce. Bruce.
It's her.
Sammy, it's her. She's logging on. She's praying right now.
Grace.
Please, God.
Please. I still love him.
But I don't wanna love him anymore.
I don't wanna hurt anymore. Please.
Help me forget.
Please help me let him go.
You win!
I'm done!
Please, I don't wanna do this anymore.
I don't wanna be God.
I want you to decide what's right for me.
I surrender to your will!
Am I...
You can't kneel down in the middle of a highway
and live to talk about it, son.
But why?
Why now?
Bruce, you have a divine spark.
You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world.
I know. I created you.
Quit bragging.
See. That's... That's what I'm talking about.
That's the spark.
What do you want me to do?
I want you to pray, son.
Go ahead. Use them.
Lord, feed the hungry.
And bring peace to
all of mankind.
How's that? Great.
If you wanna be Miss America.
Now, come on. What do you really care about?
Grace.
Grace. You want her back?
No.
I want her to be happy.
No matter what that means.
I want her to find someone
who will treat her
with all the love
she deserved from me.
I want her to meet someone
who will see her always
as I do now
through your eyes.
Now, that's a prayer. Yeah?
Yeah.
It's good. It's good.
It's good!
I'm gonna get right on it.
Clear! Whoa!
That didn't feel very good. Clear!
Got a rhythm.
All right. I got a pulse. All right. Let's set him up.
Yeah. Get the backboard and brace.
Bruce?
Welcome back.
You're lucky to be alive, son. Someone up there must like you.
I hear all that stuff winds up in a warehouse somewhere.
Grace.
Hi, baby.
Oh. Oh, my God, look at you.
I was such an idiot. It's okay.
I don't know what I would have done.
Oh, God. I swear I wanted to be mad at you forever.
Now you're just showing off.
This is Bruce Nolan here at Buffalo's First-Annual "Be the Miracle" Blood Drive.
It's a B-E-A-utiful day, so come on down here.
Because the life you save could be mine.
Let's go over here, where the Kowolskis have baked a very special cookie
just for this occasion.
Sure, it's a little creepy and a shameless plug, but we love them.
Thank you, Mama. Vol, finger... lose.
I myself, will have given blood twice this week.
For those of you who haven't heard,
I'd like to introduce you to the future Mrs. Exclusive, Grace Connelly.
There she is. Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?
She just gave blood, and she still has enough left to fill up her face.
Yes, behind every great man, there's a woman rolling her eyes, folks.
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News,
with all the folks down here at the blood drive, reminding you to...
Be the miracle!
You heard them.
Okay, cut it. Thank you, Bruce. Thanks, Ally.
Hey. How was that? That was great.
Yeah? That was really great.
Now, you still have to go over there. The nurse is waiting.
Oh, do I have to? Oh, it's not gonna hurt.
In fact, I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.
Ooh, baby.
Are you ready for a miracle?
Ready as I can be
Are you ready for a miracle? It's ready to set you free
Are you ready? Ready
Are you ready for a miracle?
Oh
Are you ready?
Ready for a miracle Ready, ready, yes, I am
Are you ready, are you ready Yes, I am
Are you ready for a miracle? Yes
Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sigh?
Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie
Oompah. Loompah.
Doompah. Oh, geez.
I'm sorry.
I'm a very rare blood type. I'm A. B. Positive.
Sounds delicious.
Yeah, well, there, you know, there are storehouses all over the world.
You know, all over the... With tons of stuff on ice.
And it's... Sorry. You're like this.
Sorry. Go on. Okay.
Positive. I. B. Positive. Okay, sorry.
I have a "rarey"... Oh!
She has a "rarey." Okay.
Well, they need my blood. I have a very rare blood type.
I'm A. B. Negative. I'm I. B. Positive.
Am I A. B. Negative or am I... I don't know what you are anymore.
I'm gonna need a fricking miracle to get to work on time.
Shit.
Shit!
That won't work.
Other stories in the...
The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today.
And in other...
In other...
In other news...
I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No...
Eyewitness Nose. Okay, and clear.
Be the miracle. That's right.