1
00:00:52,698 --> 00:00:53,845
All right, Chevy.
2
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:56,805
Chevy, you're very handsome.
3
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,558
- Stop it.
- How did you become so funny?
4
00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,684
What was the first part?
5
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,229
Lorne said if I just
stared into the camera,
6
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,898
that'd take a lot of guts.
7
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:11,738
"There were bells on the hill,
but I never heard them ringing."
8
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:14,783
Action, Laraine.
9
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,332
Hi.
10
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,211
Did I spell your name right?
11
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:31,341
I'm Garrett Morris talking
to all you white Americans...
12
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:34,010
about the way Black people
have been treated in America.
13
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:37,555
Now, I know a lot of you
feel guilty, and you should.
14
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,852
You see, um,
having a catheter...
15
00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:44,938
a lot of people
think it's funny.
16
00:01:45,104 --> 00:01:47,732
And they like to see me dance.
17
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:53,238
Now, I look up, and I see it
coming down now, real quick...
18
00:01:53,404 --> 00:01:54,697
and I see discs.
19
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,074
Whirlin' discs!
20
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,034
- Really?
- All right.
21
00:01:58,201 --> 00:01:59,494
Radney?
22
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:01,538
I'm not gonna talk about... No.
23
00:02:01,996 --> 00:02:03,997
Whirlin'. Whirlin' around,
whirlin' around.
24
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:05,476
I see all kinds of lights.
Then they just drop me.
25
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,961
In order to get that much iron,
you probably have to overeat.
26
00:02:08,127 --> 00:02:11,840
Send your check or money order
to White Guilt Relief Fund.
27
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:14,008
We're ready? Should we go?
28
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:19,596
{\an8}Free show!
29
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,268
Plenty of tickets left, guys!
Free show!
30
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:24,811
No?
31
00:02:25,603 --> 00:02:27,272
Hey, free show, man.
32
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,441
Hey, sir, free comedy show?
Plenty of seats.
33
00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,360
Perfect for date night!
34
00:02:33,069 --> 00:02:34,069
Um...
35
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:37,365
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."
36
00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,076
"Featuring a parade of comedy..."
37
00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:41,883
"And musical acts
ripped from the charts."
38
00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:44,163
Jesus Christ.
39
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:46,370
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
40
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:49,669
Hey, man! You okay?
41
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,423
Maybe ask me again
in 90 minutes.
42
00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:55,530
Why?
What happens in 90 minutes?
43
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,093
Uh, we go live.
44
00:02:57,427 --> 00:03:00,054
Oh, wow. Far out, man. Congrats.
Miss?
45
00:03:00,221 --> 00:03:01,973
- Thank you.
- Hey, wait. If it's live,
46
00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:03,683
then why the hell
are you down here?
47
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,643
- Free show. For fuck's sake.
- I'm...
48
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,371
- Mr. Michaels?
- Waiting for...
49
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,395
Ah!
50
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:10,773
It's 10 o'clock, Andy.
Here. Come on.
51
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,817
Where do I park?
52
00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:15,320
"You are invited
to a new variety spectacular..."
53
00:03:15,486 --> 00:03:16,863
Just pick him up at 1:00,
Mrs. Kaufman.
54
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:17,947
Do you like my suit?
55
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,300
- Very elegant, Andy.
- Take care of my Andy!
56
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,867
This is my favorite suit.
57
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,074
"Where did they unearth
such a cavalcade of talent?"
58
00:03:24,016 --> 00:03:25,079
Bye. Bye, Mommy.
59
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,079
Bye, honey.
60
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,520
- I love you!
- Andy, come on.
61
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:34,631
Andy, please, come on.
62
00:03:34,797 --> 00:03:36,382
This is beautiful.
63
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,550
Yeah.
64
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:38,800
You know, actually, down there
65
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,029
is where Diego Rivera
was hired...
66
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,263
to paint a fresco
for the American worker.
67
00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:43,473
I cannot see this.
68
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,558
Well, no one can
because Diego was a commie...
69
00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,226
and added Vladimir Lenin
in the middle of the night...
70
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,603
so the Rockefellers
had it plastered over.
71
00:03:48,604 --> 00:03:49,686
Deliveries use the back.
72
00:03:49,687 --> 00:03:50,980
- I'm producer of the show.
- Where's your badge?
73
00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:52,169
- My...
- Where's his badge?
74
00:03:52,170 --> 00:03:53,357
Look, my name is Lorne Michaels.
75
00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,441
I'm the producer
of Saturday Night.
76
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,609
- The whole night?
- Hey! Hey! He's good.
77
00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,320
- Yeah, I'm producing every show.
- He's good. He's good.
78
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:58,550
- I'm good, you see?
- Let him in. Let him in.
79
00:03:58,551 --> 00:03:59,781
Live on a Saturday night?
Must be some show.
80
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:00,864
I'm good. Andy, please.
81
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,220
Hey, you're doing a great job.
Really. Great stuff.
82
00:04:02,221 --> 00:04:04,066
What kind of name
is "Saturday Night"?
83
00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:05,912
- Andy, come on. Please.
- Okay. We rushing.
84
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,372
Eighth floor, and book it.
85
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:09,123
Put on your seat belts.
86
00:04:11,438 --> 00:04:13,293
So, big night.
87
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,754
Oh, Andy, have you had dinner?
88
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,547
Huh. Yes, I had spaghetti.
89
00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,341
Oh, that sounds delicious.
90
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:20,218
Hey, Lorne, I'm getting calls
from upstairs.
91
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:21,344
You ordered a llama?
92
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,512
A llama?
93
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,973
Yeah. We all decided it was
much funnier than a donkey.
94
00:04:25,139 --> 00:04:26,391
Right. Just the guys
down at the loading dock
95
00:04:26,392 --> 00:04:28,017
weren't expecting,
you know, livestock.
96
00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:30,395
Well, NBC did ask for something
fresh and unexpected.
97
00:04:30,561 --> 00:04:31,854
That is true. That's true.
98
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,147
Uh, just, you know,
they also weren't
99
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:34,232
expecting you to demand...
100
00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,651
an overhaul in the entire
lighting and sound package.
101
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,571
Did anyone ask Edison
what a light bulb was
102
00:04:40,738 --> 00:04:42,198
before he harnessed electricity?
103
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,368
Who are you in the metaphor?
104
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,578
The light bulb?
105
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,539
We can't expect people
to recognize
106
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:50,975
something they've
never seen before.
107
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:52,375
Right. Okay. Yes.
You're correct.
108
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:53,902
But just,
how about a final script?
109
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,040
It's not that kind of show.
110
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,647
Okay. Well,
what kind of show is it, Lorne?
111
00:04:56,671 --> 00:04:57,982
Do you even know
what the show is?
112
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,007
Of course.
113
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,193
Are you gonna share it
with the rest of us?
114
00:05:01,217 --> 00:05:03,011
Yes.
115
00:05:03,553 --> 00:05:04,554
In 88 minutes.
116
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,389
Oh, my God.
117
00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,325
Uh, have you tested
the quality of the sound system?
118
00:05:08,349 --> 00:05:09,576
- No, I haven't.
- 'Cause the speakers...
119
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,394
look leftover
from Arturo Toscanini.
120
00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,830
I mean,
that's not really my job.
121
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,134
Lorne,
did you order more lights?
122
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:15,231
Of course.
123
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:16,982
Is this your card?
124
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,066
How'd he do that?
125
00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,485
He's a fuckin' magician,
numb nuts.
126
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,195
- Hey, Neil?
- Oh, hey.
127
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:23,134
You got to be right by my side,
man. Locked to my hip.
128
00:05:23,135 --> 00:05:24,667
Remember, when you're here,
you're not my cousin...
129
00:05:24,668 --> 00:05:26,017
you're my executive assistant.
You're important.
130
00:05:26,018 --> 00:05:27,368
Really? Like in the credits
it will say that?
131
00:05:27,369 --> 00:05:28,577
Well, no,
but you and I will know.
132
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,058
They're looking for you
in the control room.
133
00:05:30,059 --> 00:05:31,538
Also, Belushi hasn't signed
his contract yet?
134
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,686
- Oh, and the llama has arrived.
- Oh, great. Thanks, Barbara.
135
00:05:33,687 --> 00:05:35,835
Neil, memo. We need to reeducate
the NBC Pages on the show.
136
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:36,919
You should've heard
the guy outside.
137
00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,003
What the hell is this?
138
00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:40,297
Saturday Night, it's a new kind
of entertainment.
139
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,509
It's abstract and defiant.
Avant-garde yet blue collar...
140
00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,480
Gilda, come on.
We need you for rehearsal.
141
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:55,229
Oh, be careful.
They're still drying.
142
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:56,981
This is monumental work, Edie.
143
00:05:57,148 --> 00:05:59,567
Mr. Gresner, would you please
tell our studio audience...
144
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,277
Jane, you're still attached.
145
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:04,280
Just how you became a victim
of a shark bite?
146
00:06:05,156 --> 00:06:06,741
You are so fluffy.
147
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,034
Hey, come on, Andy.
148
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,369
You cut my Nazi Doctor Dolittle?
149
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:12,663
He has ways
of making the animals talk?
150
00:06:12,830 --> 00:06:14,183
I'll check
with the run-of-show board.
151
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,209
Package was addressed
to Al Franken and Tom Davis.
152
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:17,763
I don't know
what to tell you, fellas.
153
00:06:17,764 --> 00:06:19,164
How do you lose
28 gallons of blood?
154
00:06:20,546 --> 00:06:22,757
85 minutes till showtime.
155
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:25,802
Come on, guys. These transitions
need to be crisp.
156
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,179
Pretend like there's a hooker
holding a sandwich
157
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:29,430
waiting for you stage right.
158
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:31,224
We still need
to rehearse five sketches.
159
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,267
Are we any closer
on lighting cues?
160
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:35,144
Hey, Schiller.
What are you up to?
161
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:37,688
I'm burning sage.
Removing demons.
162
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,107
Garrett don't do voodoo.
163
00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:41,073
Peter packed
a peck of pickled peckers.
164
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,486
Andy, this is Billy Crystal
and Valri Bromfield.
165
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:44,963
- They're both in the show.
- Andy!
166
00:06:44,987 --> 00:06:47,174
They're both very nice.
Please stay with them, okay?
167
00:06:47,198 --> 00:06:49,075
Listen, Andy is
a certifiable comedic genius.
168
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,385
- He is redefining the form.
- Nice to meet you, Andy.
169
00:06:50,409 --> 00:06:52,411
I mean, we are
in the presence of greatness.
170
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:55,122
Where is the bathroom?
171
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,498
Neil, can you show Andy
to the washroom?
172
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,125
- Yeah. Yeah.
- There you are. Lorne. I can't
173
00:06:58,126 --> 00:06:59,752
- authorize the purchase...
- Dick. Dick.
174
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,169
Of an antique chandelier.
175
00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:02,254
Jim has a question
about something.
176
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,548
- Here. Let's step over here.
- He's out of control.
177
00:07:03,549 --> 00:07:05,299
- Okay. I understand.
- This isn't a budget.
178
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,383
It's a ransom note.
179
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,510
Someone asked for last
Friday's Johnny Carson?
180
00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:08,678
Where the fuck you been,
Charlie?
181
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:09,761
Sorry, I've been busy.
182
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:10,846
I'll be back
in a little bit, okay?
183
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,306
Hope I still have a job
when he's gone next week.
184
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,016
Okey-dokes. So, as it stands...
185
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,435
we have four host monologues,
two stand-ups...
186
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,522
two musical guests,
each with two performances...
187
00:07:18,688 --> 00:07:19,981
a solo piece for Andy Kaufman...
188
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:22,275
five parody commercials,
Weekend Update...
189
00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:23,484
a film by Albert Brooks...
190
00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:26,070
Jim Henson's Muppet... thing.
191
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,239
Not to mention seven sketches.
192
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:29,925
- Something for everybody.
- Yeah, it's a lot of show.
193
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:31,389
- It won't fit.
- We don't know that.
194
00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:33,953
I know that. The dress rehearsal
was three hours.
195
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,160
Audrey thinks we're tight.
196
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,599
Audrey thinks it's time to make
some tough decisions, actually.
197
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:38,743
Lorne, just cut some things.
198
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,911
- No. We will, but...
- Am I still in the show?
199
00:07:43,379 --> 00:07:44,839
Jesus Christ.
200
00:07:45,006 --> 00:07:47,276
- Sorry. Tripped over my penis.
- Still on the show, Chev.
201
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,801
Oh, I know.
Hey, you remember Jackie.
202
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,178
- My girlfriend.
- Fiancée.
203
00:07:50,344 --> 00:07:51,387
It looks expensive.
204
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,471
She is.
205
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,555
It is.
206
00:07:53,556 --> 00:07:54,724
I never know
when you're kidding.
207
00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:55,808
Hey, Chev, can I...
208
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:57,536
Can you show a little goodwill
to your co-star?
209
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,895
- Who? Belushi?
- Mmm-hmm.
210
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:01,397
God! God!
What the fuck's the matter now?
211
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:03,065
I think
it's just a new dynamic and...
212
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,442
there are a lot
of expectations for every...
213
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,669
I'll tell you what the issue is.
214
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,360
We're not doing
a radio hour anymore
215
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,922
and he's built like
an Albanian cheeseburger.
216
00:08:08,946 --> 00:08:11,199
Chevy can't help if people
are responding to his face.
217
00:08:11,365 --> 00:08:12,525
I mean, I could, but I won't.
218
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,138
Right. Well, no one's asking you
219
00:08:14,139 --> 00:08:15,620
to deny your own magnetism,
Chevy.
220
00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,466
Maybe there's other roles
for John to play.
221
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,415
Like a hobo. Or a troll.
222
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,918
Or a fire hydrant.
Or a Volkswagen.
223
00:08:22,084 --> 00:08:24,086
Or a hemorrhoid.
224
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:26,797
- You're looking sharp, Patches.
- What?
225
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,424
You have to cut something.
226
00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,343
Yeah. Yeah.
227
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,388
- Neil?
- Oh. Yeah!
228
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,641
Get me a key to this door.
In fact...
229
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,476
I want keys to all the doors.
230
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:39,977
In the building?
231
00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:41,854
- If you can.
- Yeah.
232
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:46,692
Frame up on the shot,
okay, Cameron?
233
00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:48,152
That's good.
234
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:50,947
Ready camera 2. That looks okay.
235
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,031
Hey, guys.
236
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,741
Hey, Lorne.
Can you get down or around?
237
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,368
Down in front.
238
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:57,202
Dave, how're we looking?
239
00:08:57,203 --> 00:08:58,483
Oh. Good, good, good.
Good, good.
240
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,040
Still working on the 47 notes
you gave me on your last visit.
241
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,709
Okay. How's the morale looking
out there?
242
00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:05,210
- "Morale"?
- Mm-hmm.
243
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,339
Oh, I think I can speak
for the entire crew...
244
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:12,760
when I say this is exactly where
we want to be on Saturday night.
245
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:15,930
- Okay. Great.
- Yeah. Yeah.
246
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,766
Rocky! Wake up, will you?
247
00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:22,436
Give me lights 25B, 25C!
248
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:26,440
Half down on 31! That's 32!
249
00:09:26,607 --> 00:09:28,276
You've done this before, right?
250
00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:29,586
Man, that's a lot of lights.
251
00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,338
Charlie, you're gonna drop
a testicle lifting that thing.
252
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:32,506
Good job, Charlie.
253
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:33,674
All right. Quiet, please!
254
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,409
Here we go. Rehearsal's up.
Actors on their marks.
255
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:37,868
All right. Hey, guys.
256
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:40,288
We only have two minutes
of commercials...
257
00:09:40,454 --> 00:09:42,832
to make it from stage right
to stage left.
258
00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,726
Anybody know
the load bearing on the booms?
259
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:46,669
- Hello, fellas.
- What's up, Joe?
260
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,462
Can I get you anything?
Refreshment?
261
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,065
- Mai Tai?
- I'll take a Schaefer.
262
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:52,067
Try and at least act like
you're fucking working, please.
263
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,384
John, thank you
for your patience.
264
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:54,468
Moments away, okay?
265
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,597
All right. Next card.
"Al 'Bud' Franken."
266
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,558
Next card. "Tom 'Bud' Davis."
267
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,685
Okay. So, this is a bit?
268
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,895
Look, I don't get
half the shit that they do.
269
00:10:05,062 --> 00:10:07,023
Next card, "Rosie 'Bud'..."
Uh...
270
00:10:07,815 --> 00:10:10,276
Lorne, is Rosie going
with Michaels or Shuster?
271
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,571
- That's a good question.
- Should I ask Rosie?
272
00:10:13,572 --> 00:10:15,239
No, no, no.
I'll take care of it.
273
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:17,286
- All right.
- Stew, that's good.
274
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:18,617
That's actually looking good.
275
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,578
A little more over.
276
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,266
She's been at it for hours.
277
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:23,538
She's simply doing her job.
278
00:10:23,539 --> 00:10:24,874
We have to comply
with NBC standards.
279
00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,166
Well, I refuse to comply.
280
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,002
- Uh, Mr. O'Donoghue.
- Mmm-hmm?
281
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:32,214
On page 12, what is clam diving?
282
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:37,011
I believe
the act of harvesting mollusks.
283
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,803
Stew!
You're killing me here.
284
00:10:38,804 --> 00:10:40,365
I just need the lights
for Home Invasion.
285
00:10:40,389 --> 00:10:42,015
Talk to the wonder kid!
He's trying to light
286
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,934
- Jesus Christ Superstar!
- Those are excuses.
287
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:45,603
Four people up there,
get them lit.
288
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,564
I'm glad you're having fun,
but this isn't helpful.
289
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,900
If that piglet
disfigures my work...
290
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,694
I'm gonna turn her uterus
into a sock puppet.
291
00:10:53,861 --> 00:10:55,988
What is "Zipper Dinner"?
292
00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,079
How many of these
did you hide in the script?
293
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:05,956
Maybe a dozen.
It's like a scavenger hunt.
294
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:07,416
I know what blue balls are.
295
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,584
You don't say.
296
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,587
Come on, people, move
with purpose. Let's do this.
297
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,006
Al, is that your one?
Come on, give it.
298
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,884
All right. Quiet, please!
Rehearsal is up.
299
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,259
Assault and burglary.
300
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,137
Okay. Actors on your marks, please.
301
00:11:20,304 --> 00:11:21,388
Cameras on their marks.
302
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:22,473
- Here we go.
- Hey.
303
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,539
Okay! Let's see if we can
get through one of these skits.
304
00:11:29,563 --> 00:11:31,064
Sketches! Davy, please.
305
00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,148
And action on rehearsals.
306
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:33,989
Okay. Ready, Camera One?
Take Camera One.
307
00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:38,322
Look, honey. Boeing Boeing with
Jerry Lewis is on in 10 minutes.
308
00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,615
Ready, Camera Two?
Take Camera Two.
309
00:11:40,616 --> 00:11:43,035
Uh, sweetheart, I'm tired.
I think I'm just gonna...
310
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,287
have another glass
of diet root beer
311
00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,956
and go to bed, okay?
312
00:11:48,749 --> 00:11:50,626
- Aykroyd!
- Cue, Danny.
313
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:56,215
What's the problem?
314
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:57,591
What's going on, Dan?
315
00:11:58,050 --> 00:11:59,385
It's a little lodged.
316
00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:01,740
Hi, there!
317
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:02,972
Please do not be alarmed.
318
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,939
This is only a simulated
assault and burglary.
319
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:07,309
Repeat. This is a simulated
assault and burglary.
320
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:09,102
This could happen to you
at any time. In fact...
321
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,229
- it just has.
- Call the police!
322
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,313
No, no!
323
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,399
Don't call the police.
I am the police.
324
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,566
Well, I might be, anyway.
325
00:12:15,651 --> 00:12:17,570
- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer...
- Hold!
326
00:12:17,945 --> 00:12:19,864
Aykroyd, one giant step
to the right, please.
327
00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:21,197
Yeah. My right?
328
00:12:21,198 --> 00:12:22,240
- Yes.
- Sure.
329
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,243
Uh, say, man, you want me
to say anything in this?
330
00:12:24,410 --> 00:12:27,204
Or am I the silent robber type?
331
00:12:27,371 --> 00:12:29,373
I think we're gonna
stick to the script this time.
332
00:12:29,540 --> 00:12:30,976
- What script?
- Thanks, Garrett.
333
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,252
Okay. Here we go.
And action on rehearsal.
334
00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,629
Hi. Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.
335
00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:36,956
My name is Kenny Vorstrather.
336
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,467
I'm president
of Trojan Horse Home Security.
337
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,987
I have broken into your home
tonight to illustrate to you...
338
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:43,012
and your family just how...
339
00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,555
Watch out!
340
00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,806
Shit!
341
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,057
Have your girders been checked?
342
00:12:48,058 --> 00:12:49,393
Piece of shit!
You fucking piece of shit!
343
00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,520
I'll fucking break
your fucking jaw!
344
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:54,815
Play the cameras back.
Play the cameras back. Let's go.
345
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,368
John, are you hurt?
346
00:12:57,369 --> 00:12:59,004
Jesus Christ!
347
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:00,069
You okay?
348
00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,156
Need a new gun.
Where's props for me, please?
349
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,449
Can somebody
clear the children, please?
350
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,610
Excuse me. Watch out, please.
351
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,410
Why? You got
any more fucking lights
352
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:07,661
you want to drop on us?
353
00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:09,704
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe, motherfucker!
354
00:13:09,705 --> 00:13:11,499
Want me to break
your fucking jaw for you?
355
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,624
Fucking amateur hour!
356
00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,710
I'll bust your fucking jaw
for you, motherfucker!
357
00:13:14,877 --> 00:13:17,171
Hey! Hey! How dare you
endanger my actors?
358
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,255
Lorne. Lorne, it's not worth it.
359
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,339
Really? Yeah.
360
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,529
You're the one asking
for 100 fucking light cues, pal!
361
00:13:21,530 --> 00:13:23,719
Well, feel free to let me know
when my expectations
362
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:24,802
surpass your abilities.
363
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:26,198
There's a shit-ton of lights.
It's not worth it.
364
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,158
You know, I don't know, guys.
It was kind of exciting.
365
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,517
Like, it's probably good luck.
366
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,602
Wallie.
367
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:35,397
Uh. This thing's not gonna work.
I need...
368
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:36,481
Something with
a little more heft.
369
00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:38,317
It's got no stopping power.
You know what I mean?
370
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,777
The script said pistol.
371
00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:41,922
Well, the script
specifically called for...
372
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:44,615
a Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
373
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:45,823
Do we go again?
374
00:13:45,824 --> 00:13:47,743
Uh, in this deathtrap?
375
00:13:47,910 --> 00:13:49,054
Well, we've worked out
the kinks.
376
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:51,330
You know, I still think
it was kind of funny.
377
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,249
How high will this thing go, Al?
378
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:55,143
- Gilda. Gilda.
- Say hello to the cameras, boys.
379
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:57,378
There's home base...
380
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,753
Kid, this ain't an armory.
381
00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:00,589
No one's gonna notice
the difference.
382
00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:01,756
I'll tell you who'll notice.
383
00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:02,924
A few of the fine folks
at home...
384
00:14:02,925 --> 00:14:04,760
who lugged M16s through
four feet of swamp juice
385
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:06,032
in Quang Nam.
386
00:14:06,033 --> 00:14:07,304
Hey, boys!
387
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,306
Guess I picked the wrong day
to not wear underwear.
388
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,390
Don't look too hard.
389
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,474
Proud of yourself?
390
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:13,328
I'll give you and this circus
till the end of the week.
391
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,552
That's funny. 'Cause I give you
till the end of the day.
392
00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:18,524
All right, everyone.
Let's get this thing cleaned up.
393
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,440
Ah, ah, ah, ah...
394
00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:22,403
Grab a light, broom, dustpan.
We'll get all this glass.
395
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:23,529
Mmm-mmm.
396
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,532
Thank you, hermano.
397
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,157
All right, Neil,
not with the keys right now.
398
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:38,085
Pow, pow! Pow, pow!
399
00:14:38,752 --> 00:14:40,087
Hey, come on, man.
400
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:41,755
Violence? Really?
401
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:45,009
Ha-ha! My main man, Jim!
402
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:49,221
Say, sorry for shooting
your Muppets, man.
403
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:50,931
They're not just...
404
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:52,891
They're your co-stars.
405
00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:57,313
Is that you?
You all right there, Jim?
406
00:14:58,230 --> 00:14:59,231
Yes.
407
00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:01,609
No.
408
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:06,322
I don't think the writers
on the 17th floor speak Muppet.
409
00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,657
They tied a belt
around Big Bird's neck...
410
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,619
and hung him
from my dressing room door.
411
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:14,163
Hey, I heard about Big Bird.
I'm so sorry.
412
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,414
Autoerotic asphyxiation.
Who knew?
413
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,751
You're full of baloney.
414
00:15:18,917 --> 00:15:20,477
- Uh-oh. Cursing.
- Consider me...
415
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,588
the first rat
off this sinkin' ship!
416
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,380
- Oh, really?
- Don't jump to...
417
00:15:24,381 --> 00:15:27,426
Oh, wow, that's mature. Well,
what can I say? Bon voyage.
418
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:29,595
Lorne, he was our lighting
director. We need lights.
419
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:30,989
I'm sure there's someone
else in the building...
420
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,574
- who can push a button, Dick.
- Hey, he's the only one
421
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,758
who knows the location
of the 200 lights you asked for.
422
00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:36,852
What is this?
423
00:15:37,895 --> 00:15:39,897
What's the meaning of this?
Who did this?
424
00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:43,025
Hey, I thought
we were making a comedy!
425
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:01,271
Mmm...
426
00:16:01,272 --> 00:16:03,712
Sounding good, guys.
427
00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,049
Yeah. Okay.
428
00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:09,551
- All right.
- Say, uh...
429
00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:11,303
we actually
worked together before.
430
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,889
I sang backup for Belafonte.
431
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,184
Catch that?
432
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,854
♪ Drink the coconut water ♪
433
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:22,021
♪ Four to five! ♪
434
00:16:22,022 --> 00:16:23,941
♪ Man, it's good
For you daughter... ♪
435
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:25,192
♪ Four to five! ♪
436
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,653
♪ Coco got a lotta iron ♪
437
00:16:32,741 --> 00:16:34,368
The guy is singing, too.
438
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,121
How many people
do they have playin' tonight?
439
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,749
No. No, no. See, I am one of
the comedic performers, man.
440
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,418
- Yeah, I'm in the cast.
- Uh-huh.
441
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,546
You are a professional comedian?
442
00:16:46,171 --> 00:16:48,382
Uh... Well, uh... No, not...
Not... Not...
443
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:49,966
- Not by trade.
- Okay.
444
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,567
Uh... You see,
I'm actually a playwright.
445
00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,345
- All right.
- Perhaps you saw my work...
446
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,432
at the Black Arts
Repertory Theatre in Harlem.
447
00:16:56,598 --> 00:16:58,100
Yeah, I must have missed that.
448
00:16:59,977 --> 00:17:02,396
Yeah. I actually don't know
why they hired me, man.
449
00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,066
Yeah, you seem a little tight.
450
00:17:06,233 --> 00:17:07,359
- A little...
- Do I?
451
00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:09,695
Yeah, you gotta kinda
loosen it up for the show.
452
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,029
Say, Alvin...
453
00:17:11,196 --> 00:17:12,573
Hook Mr...
454
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,575
- What's your name?
- Garrett Morris.
455
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,869
Garrett Morris, y'all,
the comedian.
456
00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:18,562
Yeah,
hook Mr. Garrett Morris up...
457
00:17:19,037 --> 00:17:21,707
with a little bit of confidence.
You know what I'm saying?
458
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:24,418
- Yeah, come...
- Okay.
459
00:17:24,585 --> 00:17:25,794
Go ahead and get it.
460
00:17:25,961 --> 00:17:26,962
Medical grade.
461
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,465
Shit so light,
air at the bottom of the bottle.
462
00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:30,632
You're gonna float.
463
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:32,593
Float?
464
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,810
- I'm gonna put this away.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
465
00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,930
This is illegal.
466
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,768
Yeah, well, you're gonna
need it. For your comedy.
467
00:17:40,934 --> 00:17:42,603
- Right. Right.
- Yeah.
468
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:44,938
- Yeah. Yeah.
- All right.
469
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,375
- All right, y'all, let's get it.
- Scotty, sound check.
470
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:49,079
All right, everyone,
quiet for sound check.
471
00:17:49,109 --> 00:17:50,944
Sound check!
472
00:17:50,945 --> 00:17:52,487
This should be fun.
473
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,332
Is this full volume?
474
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:04,832
The whole enchilada.
475
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,313
Sounds pretty adequate to me.
476
00:18:06,314 --> 00:18:07,794
Well, this isn't Wimbledon.
477
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:10,130
It needs to feel like a rock
concert for everyone at home.
478
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,257
Lorne has such
a deep appreciation for music.
479
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,675
Shouldn't we have more mics?
480
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:15,052
One band, one mic.
481
00:18:18,430 --> 00:18:20,030
Dick, this needs to be fixed
for tonight.
482
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,659
That's what
I've been talking about.
483
00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:23,018
Three, four.
484
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,486
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is this for John?
485
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,813
Yeah, I heard he's in makeup.
486
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,572
Do you like being yelled at
or something?
487
00:18:35,739 --> 00:18:36,782
Here, I've got you.
488
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:39,201
Where are you going?
489
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:53,590
Jimmy, do not bet
on that hand, please.
490
00:18:58,387 --> 00:18:59,805
Can you hold the door?
491
00:19:01,181 --> 00:19:02,474
Yeah, I think so.
492
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:03,641
Ooh.
493
00:19:03,642 --> 00:19:05,769
- Easy on the macaroni, Carmine.
- All right.
494
00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,604
You don't want
to hurt your stomach.
495
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:08,689
All right, Rosie.
496
00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,612
There he is...
497
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,198
the star of the show.
498
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,993
Come on, Rosie.
Not the fucking bees!
499
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,913
I'm not a dashboard ornament.
500
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:28,542
No, you're adorable,
is what you are...
501
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,754
and all that fur, every girl's
gonna want to squeeze you.
502
00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,341
I am a trained professional.
503
00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:39,136
Well, you better watch
where you point that stinger.
504
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:42,472
Come on. You want a little cig?
505
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:47,394
What happened to my reporter
costume? Blaine Hotel?
506
00:19:47,561 --> 00:19:48,686
It's a five-second changeover
507
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,327
from the reporter
to ancient Greece, okay?
508
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:52,595
Lorne didn't think you'd
have time to get into your toga.
509
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:54,318
Okay.
510
00:19:59,489 --> 00:20:01,533
Excuse me, ma'am.
511
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:02,743
Don't be alarmed.
512
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,288
You're dealing with
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
513
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,832
Hey, Rosie, I got
the latest version of New Dad.
514
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,000
Okay.
515
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:11,668
Behave.
516
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:13,420
Bee-have.
517
00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:17,466
I can assure you
professional hygiene...
518
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,344
discretion,
animal gratification...
519
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:21,511
Listen, strumpet...
520
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,639
It's Fred Garvin.
Male prostitute.
521
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:25,140
How much is this gonna cost me?
522
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:26,975
Hey, need you in costumes.
523
00:20:27,142 --> 00:20:29,394
I told them to make those
hot pants extra hot.
524
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:30,604
Yummy.
525
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,940
Lorne, we're gonna go check out
the cut on New Dad,
526
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,024
you want to see?
527
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:39,321
Holy shit, holy shit.
Sorry, Lorne. Jesus.
528
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:40,864
Hey, I heard John
doesn't like the bee costume.
529
00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,025
You know anything about this?
530
00:20:42,115 --> 00:20:44,075
It's not a costume problem.
He thinks he's Brando.
531
00:20:44,117 --> 00:20:45,202
- He's better than Brando.
- Lorne, Lorne.
532
00:20:45,203 --> 00:20:46,410
I'm working on it, Dick.
533
00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:48,433
He's better than Brando.
He's more important even.
534
00:20:48,434 --> 00:20:50,457
- He'll be studied.
- They will study his liver.
535
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:52,458
John is better when he's angry.
536
00:20:52,459 --> 00:20:54,044
Rose, you understand
that in an hour,
537
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:55,169
I owe a television program?
538
00:20:55,170 --> 00:20:56,275
I made a covenant
with the National...
539
00:20:56,276 --> 00:20:57,380
- Broadcasting Company.
- A covenant, huh?
540
00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,549
Yeah, a covenant, and I'm on
the hook for 90 minutes...
541
00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,551
- of live television.
- Okay, Abraham.
542
00:21:03,220 --> 00:21:06,556
Rose, must you turn him
into a bee?
543
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:07,933
I am not turning him into a bee.
544
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,016
Thanks, Tom.
545
00:21:09,017 --> 00:21:11,228
He is a man in a bee costume.
546
00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:12,688
- There is a difference.
- Hmm.
547
00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,691
It's an image
you can't get out of your head.
548
00:21:15,857 --> 00:21:19,611
It's postmodern,
it's Warhol, it's iconic.
549
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,861
Mmm-hmm.
550
00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:22,262
Where do these ideas
even come from?
551
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:24,992
I just send an imaginary dog
to fetch an imaginary stick.
552
00:21:25,158 --> 00:21:26,493
Yeah? Must be some dog.
553
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:28,370
He's very well trained.
554
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:29,955
Honey, I'm home.
555
00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,206
Hey, pal.
556
00:21:31,915 --> 00:21:33,541
Hey.
557
00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:34,625
How are ya?
558
00:21:34,626 --> 00:21:36,545
Looks like
Chevy's fiancée slipped and fell
559
00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:37,795
into another segment.
560
00:21:37,796 --> 00:21:40,196
Jacqueline's gonna be hosting
the show if you're not careful.
561
00:21:40,257 --> 00:21:41,299
Jesus Christ.
562
00:21:41,675 --> 00:21:43,301
A wonderful family.
563
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:44,635
Everything you need...
564
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,076
for the future.
565
00:21:46,179 --> 00:21:47,659
- Danny's good in this.
- Yeah, he is.
566
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,726
What if you were suddenly
out of the picture?
567
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,686
Can we add sound there
over the X?
568
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,188
- Like a buzzer?
- No, funny, like a bell.
569
00:21:55,355 --> 00:21:56,440
Good call.
570
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,358
And if we could hold
on the photo
571
00:21:58,359 --> 00:21:59,672
for another eight frames.
572
00:21:59,673 --> 00:22:00,986
Um, 16 frames.
573
00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:04,781
Were you...
574
00:22:06,074 --> 00:22:08,201
thinking of going home
with him tonight?
575
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,037
With Danny? Tonight?
576
00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:11,621
Yeah. I mean, I'm not suggesting
that you weren't gonna tell me.
577
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:12,705
If you need alone time,
I can, I just...
578
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,290
No, no, no. I just didn't know,
like, if you were...
579
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:15,876
It's opening night.
So, I figured that it wasn't
580
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,517
- the right time.
- I mean, neither did I.
581
00:22:17,544 --> 00:22:18,744
Well, then why are you asking?
582
00:22:18,879 --> 00:22:20,797
Just avoiding surprises, Rose.
583
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:22,799
- But you love surprises.
- I love surprises.
584
00:22:22,966 --> 00:22:25,134
Like Anne Frank
loved her drum set.
585
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:27,262
Don't encourage her.
586
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:29,138
Can you hold on the photo
587
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,459
for another eight frames, please?
588
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,516
It's always eight frames.
589
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:33,685
Eight frames is a beat. So...
590
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,707
Can you believe I need to cut
an hour of the show?
591
00:22:37,731 --> 00:22:40,067
NBC doesn't want a three-hour
sketch comedy review?
592
00:22:40,233 --> 00:22:41,943
Jesus, Rose,
don't call it that, please.
593
00:22:42,110 --> 00:22:43,612
Well, what is it, then?
594
00:22:43,779 --> 00:22:45,030
Honey, I'm home.
595
00:22:45,197 --> 00:22:47,199
Yes, it's New Dad.
596
00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:48,825
I spent years collecting
orphaned comedians
597
00:22:48,826 --> 00:22:49,910
off the street.
598
00:22:50,077 --> 00:22:51,203
I know.
599
00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:53,389
They sleep on our dinette
and they whiz in our sink.
600
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:54,613
By some miraculous accident...
601
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,165
I found a place to call home
602
00:22:56,166 --> 00:22:57,667
for our little circus
of rejects,
603
00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,086
on national television.
604
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:00,712
Rose, this is our shot.
605
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:02,339
It's a shot.
606
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:03,507
Rose...
607
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:07,219
You're actually nervous.
608
00:23:11,973 --> 00:23:12,974
Oh, uh...
609
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,519
Barbara was asking about, um...
610
00:23:16,144 --> 00:23:19,314
your credit... on the show.
611
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,316
I figured
you'd go with Michaels.
612
00:23:21,483 --> 00:23:22,692
Is that what you want?
613
00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,864
I mean, you know, we're married
and you're my wife.
614
00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:30,367
I figured
it's the straightest line.
615
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:32,452
Lorne, we're married,
but I'm not your wife.
616
00:23:32,619 --> 00:23:34,704
Yeah, I don't think
that'll fit on a crawl.
617
00:23:34,871 --> 00:23:36,373
Well, what would you prefer?
618
00:23:40,043 --> 00:23:41,377
Lorne, Lorne, NBC execs
619
00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:42,858
are waiting
in the green room for you.
620
00:23:43,004 --> 00:23:44,881
- Fuck.
- VTR needed this yesterday.
621
00:23:45,048 --> 00:23:46,216
Well, it looks great.
622
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:51,012
- Tom, Al, what's this about?
- Hey, Lorne.
623
00:23:51,179 --> 00:23:53,140
- A last-minute piece.
- Just in case you need it.
624
00:23:53,306 --> 00:23:54,432
I don't. What's the gag?
625
00:23:54,599 --> 00:23:56,893
We're gonna dress Aykroyd up
as Julia Childs.
626
00:23:57,060 --> 00:23:58,520
- America's favorite chef.
- Okay.
627
00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:00,790
And right as she's carvin' up
a turkey on live television...
628
00:24:00,814 --> 00:24:02,858
She slices open an artery.
Blood everywhere.
629
00:24:03,024 --> 00:24:04,192
Everywhere.
630
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:06,945
That's the whole pitch?
631
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,154
Yeah, just America's
favorite chef
632
00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,197
painting the walls
with her insides.
633
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:10,281
Total gore fest.
634
00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:11,658
It's gonna be utter carnage, boss.
635
00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,659
Oh, no, I'm Julia Childs
636
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,390
and I've cut the dickens
out of my finger.
637
00:24:15,391 --> 00:24:16,819
- Sounds promising.
- Wait, wait, boss.
638
00:24:16,820 --> 00:24:18,248
I didn't even get
to the good part yet.
639
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:19,331
Just put down a tarp.
640
00:24:19,332 --> 00:24:20,876
Yeah, he doesn't like
the Julia Childs bit.
641
00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:22,565
Uh, George...
642
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,380
- How's Carlin?
- Warming up the pipes.
643
00:24:26,381 --> 00:24:29,134
Okay, well, heard Belushi
hasn't signed his contract yet.
644
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:30,426
Eh. Formality.
645
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,678
Uh, yeah, well,
they're pretty formal here.
646
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:35,056
Uh, speaking of, the folks in
standards are a little uneasy...
647
00:24:35,057 --> 00:24:36,182
about the parody commercial
648
00:24:36,183 --> 00:24:37,683
playing right before
the regular ads.
649
00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:39,519
I think they think the viewers
might be a little confused.
650
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,521
One might argue that's
what makes it humorous, Dick.
651
00:24:41,522 --> 00:24:42,898
Yeah, but, Lorne,
at what point are we
652
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,231
not just making fun
of the audience?
653
00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:46,066
Hardly. It's com media dell'arte.
If anything,
654
00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:48,296
it'll make the other commercials
feel all the more real...
655
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,071
and the sponsors
will probably thank you.
656
00:24:50,614 --> 00:24:51,883
Who's in there?
Should I be concerned?
657
00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,532
No. Just try not to use words
658
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:55,243
like "underground"
or "revolutionary."
659
00:24:55,410 --> 00:24:56,530
I'm not exactly Che Guevara.
660
00:24:56,661 --> 00:24:57,661
Yeah.
661
00:24:59,414 --> 00:25:01,017
What the fuck? There's like
a thousand people in there.
662
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,293
Fifty. The affiliates,
from across the country.
663
00:25:03,460 --> 00:25:04,687
Lorne, they're excited
to see the show.
664
00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:05,938
I don't have time for this,
Dick.
665
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:07,631
Lorne, these are the people
that will decide
666
00:25:07,632 --> 00:25:09,174
whether or not we have a hit.
667
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:12,135
They choose whether we go
on the air. We need them.
668
00:25:14,804 --> 00:25:16,389
- Three minutes?
- Tops.
669
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,185
Gentlemen. Hello.
Lorne Michaels.
670
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:21,686
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
671
00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:24,147
Hi. Lorne Michaels.
Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
672
00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,066
Lorne Michaels. This is my show.
673
00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:28,610
Hi, where are we flying in from,
gentlemen? Chicago and...
674
00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:30,737
- New Orleans.
- New Orleans? Wow. Fantastic.
675
00:25:30,904 --> 00:25:33,365
Well, we're very lucky
to have some Southerners here.
676
00:25:33,531 --> 00:25:34,783
Hi. Nice to meet you.
677
00:25:34,950 --> 00:25:37,827
Hi, gentlemen. Lorne Michaels.
I'm the creator of the show.
678
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:40,038
Hi. Wow. Firm handshake. Hi.
679
00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,624
I appreciate your support,
gentlemen. Thank you. Hello. Hi.
680
00:25:42,791 --> 00:25:44,542
- Tallahassee.
- Tallahassee? Wow.
681
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,378
- Ladies and gentlemen.
- Hi.
682
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:49,079
Who am I kidding? Gentlemen...
683
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,801
Can I see that?
684
00:25:53,510 --> 00:25:54,511
Thank you.
685
00:25:55,679 --> 00:25:56,845
Hope this isn't the only thing
686
00:25:56,846 --> 00:25:58,515
getting sucked
on this weekend, boys.
687
00:25:59,516 --> 00:26:01,893
Jesus, you guys look like
the cast of Godfather
688
00:26:01,894 --> 00:26:03,603
if it was shot in Alabama.
689
00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:07,315
I see some cowboys here.
690
00:26:07,482 --> 00:26:09,234
That's a hell
of a 10-gallon hat.
691
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,561
You look like you're ready
for a date with a livestock.
692
00:26:13,947 --> 00:26:15,407
Welcome to New York.
693
00:26:15,573 --> 00:26:16,741
It's quite diverse.
694
00:26:17,075 --> 00:26:18,594
If you want to meet
Black people, go to Harlem.
695
00:26:18,618 --> 00:26:20,662
If you want to meet Jews,
come to our writer's room.
696
00:26:22,497 --> 00:26:24,499
Sir, you look like
you're from Ohio.
697
00:26:24,666 --> 00:26:27,335
My favorite thing about Ohio...
698
00:26:30,046 --> 00:26:31,686
Let me introduce you
to our head writer...
699
00:26:32,382 --> 00:26:35,218
our prince of darkness,
Michael O'Donoghue.
700
00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:38,053
Thank you. Thank you, Chevy.
701
00:26:38,054 --> 00:26:40,807
Um, I'm certain
you all know Mr. Rogers.
702
00:26:40,974 --> 00:26:43,184
Perhaps the most kind
and gentle man
703
00:26:43,185 --> 00:26:44,394
in all of television.
704
00:26:44,561 --> 00:26:48,064
This is my impression
of Mr. Rogers...
705
00:26:48,231 --> 00:26:51,401
plunging 18-inch
steel sewing needles...
706
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:52,569
into his eyes.
707
00:27:05,623 --> 00:27:07,792
Okay. Okay. Thank you, Michael.
708
00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:08,835
Um...
709
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,296
Well, now you know
why they put us on at midnight.
710
00:27:11,297 --> 00:27:12,339
Um...
711
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:16,763
Uh, hello, everybody,
my name is Lorne Michaels.
712
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:20,722
I'm the producer
and creator of Saturday Night.
713
00:27:22,682 --> 00:27:24,482
We have a wonderful show
for you this evening.
714
00:27:24,559 --> 00:27:27,645
George Carlin,
the great Billy Preston...
715
00:27:28,772 --> 00:27:29,898
a film by Albert Brooks.
716
00:27:30,357 --> 00:27:32,525
Jim Henson's Muppets.
717
00:27:33,526 --> 00:27:36,154
We're, uh, excited for tonight.
718
00:27:36,738 --> 00:27:37,946
Uh...
719
00:27:37,947 --> 00:27:40,325
Because there's never been
a television show...
720
00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:43,703
made for or by the generation...
721
00:27:43,870 --> 00:27:46,664
that grew up
watching television. So...
722
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:53,588
In the words
of my dear friend Che Guevara...
723
00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:55,965
this is the revolution.
724
00:27:55,966 --> 00:27:57,279
Yes. Yes.
725
00:27:58,593 --> 00:27:59,803
Who's with us?
726
00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:01,304
Heads on pikes!
727
00:28:01,971 --> 00:28:04,557
Blood will run in the streets!
728
00:28:06,059 --> 00:28:07,352
Gentlemen, behold...
729
00:28:07,977 --> 00:28:09,288
if you listen closely,
you can hear...
730
00:28:09,312 --> 00:28:11,689
Buffalo Bob shuckin' the cob
with Howdy Doody.
731
00:28:11,856 --> 00:28:12,941
Lorne can get
a little passionate.
732
00:28:12,942 --> 00:28:14,401
And so can Chevy.
733
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:15,976
- Blood in the streets?
- Yeah.
734
00:28:16,069 --> 00:28:17,737
- Well, that sounds delightful.
- Mmm-hmm
735
00:28:17,904 --> 00:28:20,240
How much are we spending
on this insurrection?
736
00:28:20,241 --> 00:28:22,492
Uh, about 250 an episode.
737
00:28:22,659 --> 00:28:24,702
Well, I guess
revolutions aren't cheap.
738
00:28:24,703 --> 00:28:25,787
Right.
739
00:28:25,954 --> 00:28:28,373
What is this?
Absolutely not.
740
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:30,542
No. No, no, no. We're not
gonna beg for their approval.
741
00:28:30,543 --> 00:28:31,668
No, take it down,
we don't need this.
742
00:28:31,669 --> 00:28:32,751
Well, you know...
743
00:28:32,752 --> 00:28:34,295
Lorne Michaels is
a special bird, you know.
744
00:28:34,296 --> 00:28:35,380
He believes in his vision.
745
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:37,799
Well, that's nice.
746
00:28:38,716 --> 00:28:39,716
Mmm...
747
00:28:40,969 --> 00:28:42,387
And he doesn't really bend.
748
00:28:44,180 --> 00:28:46,349
We know how that story goes.
749
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,352
Mmm-hmm.
750
00:28:50,645 --> 00:28:52,772
Des Moines.
How'd you escape?
751
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,691
Well, I appreciate
you saying that.
752
00:28:55,275 --> 00:28:57,694
My father had good taste
and my mom was an alcoholic.
753
00:28:57,861 --> 00:29:01,448
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Can I borrow him for a moment?
754
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:03,324
Enjoy the show, gentlemen.
755
00:29:04,451 --> 00:29:06,034
You held that room like a pro.
756
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:08,079
- Thank you.
- I mean it.
757
00:29:08,496 --> 00:29:10,540
I'm Dave Tebet, head of talent.
758
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,750
You know,
I handle The Tonight Show.
759
00:29:13,084 --> 00:29:14,335
I didn't know that.
760
00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:16,296
Between us...
761
00:29:16,463 --> 00:29:18,756
Johnny Carson isn't gonna
be around forever.
762
00:29:20,341 --> 00:29:21,509
Think about it.
763
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:25,472
You're a handsome,
funny gentile.
764
00:29:27,557 --> 00:29:28,892
That means something.
765
00:29:41,070 --> 00:29:43,323
Uh, Lorne,
you remember Dave Tebet.
766
00:29:44,073 --> 00:29:45,116
Oh, of course.
767
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:46,594
I remember everyone
who gives me a job, Dick.
768
00:29:46,618 --> 00:29:47,785
Smart kid.
769
00:29:47,952 --> 00:29:49,496
Quite a lineup this evening.
770
00:29:49,662 --> 00:29:51,213
You know, while I have you,
I do understand
771
00:29:51,214 --> 00:29:52,766
that we are bending
some of the rules...
772
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:55,084
Lorne, this is NBC.
There is a way things are done.
773
00:29:55,251 --> 00:29:56,628
- The Peacock way.
- Right.
774
00:29:56,794 --> 00:29:57,837
Well, we are thinking
a little differently.
775
00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,046
We just, you know...
776
00:29:59,047 --> 00:30:00,255
You know, maybe an emu.
777
00:30:00,256 --> 00:30:01,525
Hey, that's... Well, I just...
778
00:30:01,549 --> 00:30:02,592
Dick, shut the fuck up.
779
00:30:04,385 --> 00:30:07,722
Can't you see talent when it's
standing inches from your face?
780
00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:09,492
- Mmm-hmm.
- What do you think he's gonna do?
781
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,768
Embarrass us
with some half-assed,
782
00:30:11,769 --> 00:30:13,269
rat-fuck donkey show?
783
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,164
Frankly, that's exactly
what I signed up for.
784
00:30:15,188 --> 00:30:16,898
- Michael.
- I expect you...
785
00:30:17,065 --> 00:30:20,610
to be an unbending force
of seismic disturbance.
786
00:30:20,985 --> 00:30:24,696
Light up that NBC switchboard
like a bomb went off.
787
00:30:24,697 --> 00:30:27,595
Well, I promise
not to play the music too loud.
788
00:30:27,596 --> 00:30:30,495
Oh, fuck that. This isn't
the Moose Jaw Jazz Festival.
789
00:30:30,662 --> 00:30:31,829
It's Saturday fucking Night.
790
00:30:31,996 --> 00:30:33,998
I want you
to be thunderous and deafening.
791
00:30:34,165 --> 00:30:36,960
If my ears don't bleed,
I'll be asking for a refund.
792
00:30:37,126 --> 00:30:38,920
Great. I mean,
I've always seen this
793
00:30:38,921 --> 00:30:40,081
as a collision that erupts...
794
00:30:40,213 --> 00:30:41,857
- from every screen in America.
- Yes. Yes.
795
00:30:41,881 --> 00:30:44,217
A prism that captures the light
of an emerging generation.
796
00:30:44,384 --> 00:30:46,511
Stop! Don't say another word.
797
00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:50,139
Don't question another instinct.
798
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:51,975
- Ebersol?
- Yes?
799
00:30:52,850 --> 00:30:55,311
We're standing in the presence
of a prophet.
800
00:30:55,478 --> 00:30:56,622
Yeah, he certainly
talks like a...
801
00:30:56,646 --> 00:30:59,732
A man with a vision.
802
00:31:00,149 --> 00:31:02,318
And I want you
to take that vision...
803
00:31:02,819 --> 00:31:04,445
like a Sherman Tank...
804
00:31:04,612 --> 00:31:08,032
and plow through any fuck
that gets in your way.
805
00:31:08,199 --> 00:31:09,576
Even me.
806
00:31:10,910 --> 00:31:13,621
"Use emotion for the many
and reserve reason for the few."
807
00:31:14,038 --> 00:31:15,123
I like that.
808
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,417
I'm putting it on my wall.
809
00:31:20,503 --> 00:31:22,004
Was that a Hitler quote?
810
00:31:22,005 --> 00:31:23,673
Atrocities aside,
the man was a wordsmith.
811
00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:25,173
You missed a call
from Johnny Carson.
812
00:31:25,174 --> 00:31:26,426
I picked up the phone
'cause it was ringing.
813
00:31:26,427 --> 00:31:27,509
What did you tell him?
814
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:29,262
I told... I don't remember.
He hung up on me.
815
00:31:29,263 --> 00:31:30,679
Lorne, Lorne.
Is that a bunk bed?
816
00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:32,324
I did have
a UFO encounter experience once.
817
00:31:32,348 --> 00:31:33,492
Danny ordered it for his office.
818
00:31:33,516 --> 00:31:35,685
That's confidence. Can you find
me something to eat?
819
00:31:35,852 --> 00:31:37,937
Neil, why would
he order a bunk bed?
820
00:31:39,522 --> 00:31:40,898
Could you get that hippie shit
out of my face?
821
00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,441
And I am actually very strong.
822
00:31:42,442 --> 00:31:43,525
Thinking that
he can do the voice?
823
00:31:43,526 --> 00:31:45,278
- It's Aykroyd. Of course he can.
- It's Aykroyd.
824
00:31:45,279 --> 00:31:46,547
But that doesn't
necessarily mean anything.
825
00:31:46,571 --> 00:31:47,572
Hello, boys.
826
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:49,379
- Hey, Mike. Are you nervous?
- Hey, Mike.
827
00:31:49,532 --> 00:31:51,332
- Nervous about what?
- Performing on live TV.
828
00:31:51,451 --> 00:31:52,660
I'd be shitting bricks.
829
00:31:52,827 --> 00:31:56,456
Television is merely a lava lamp
with slightly better audio.
830
00:31:57,123 --> 00:31:59,167
Colored beads
to fascinate the animal.
831
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:00,960
I could do it
in a narcoleptic coma.
832
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:03,129
Hello, Herb.
How's Update coming?
833
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:05,631
South Vietnam has seized
and burned
834
00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:07,967
100,000 Playboy magazines.
835
00:32:08,134 --> 00:32:09,534
I'm still working
on the punch line.
836
00:32:10,845 --> 00:32:13,723
For miles, all anyone
could smell was roast bunny.
837
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:18,686
That's the one. Grab it, boys.
We need that couch.
838
00:32:19,604 --> 00:32:21,022
- Rise and shine.
- Oh, God.
839
00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,488
- Coming through, coming through.
- Whoo! Okay.
840
00:32:24,464 --> 00:32:25,734
Oh, pages.
841
00:32:25,735 --> 00:32:26,819
- Watch your back.
- Coming through.
842
00:32:26,820 --> 00:32:28,821
Oh. Here we are.
843
00:32:30,865 --> 00:32:31,991
You all right there, Chev?
844
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,702
Things are...
845
00:32:35,495 --> 00:32:36,829
kooper kippy, Herb.
846
00:32:37,497 --> 00:32:38,790
I think it just happened.
847
00:32:38,956 --> 00:32:41,125
Think I got
the old shoulder tap.
848
00:32:42,210 --> 00:32:43,419
- The what?
- You know...
849
00:32:44,087 --> 00:32:45,588
from the guys upstairs.
850
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:49,258
What's gonna happen to me?
I mean, Herb...
851
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:53,596
you've been around the block.
Where am I going from here?
852
00:32:53,763 --> 00:32:54,847
Well, I don't know, Chevy.
853
00:32:55,223 --> 00:32:56,891
I never got a shoulder tap.
854
00:32:57,642 --> 00:32:59,185
I just made a fortune...
855
00:32:59,352 --> 00:33:01,187
and won a few Emmys...
856
00:33:01,354 --> 00:33:02,554
and slept with Gloria Steinem.
857
00:33:02,980 --> 00:33:04,060
Two out of three ain't bad.
858
00:33:04,315 --> 00:33:05,316
Here we are.
859
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:07,580
Oh, wow,
you're in so many scenes.
860
00:33:07,652 --> 00:33:11,197
Well... Yeah, but I'm always
everyone's kid sister.
861
00:33:11,364 --> 00:33:12,365
You're the hot one.
862
00:33:12,532 --> 00:33:14,117
I think Jane's the hot one.
863
00:33:14,283 --> 00:33:17,453
No, I'm the mom.
The still-fuckable mom.
864
00:33:19,205 --> 00:33:21,124
My instinct is that
the American people
865
00:33:21,125 --> 00:33:23,084
are gonna fall in love with you.
866
00:33:23,751 --> 00:33:27,338
You'll be obscenely overpaid
for pratfalls and cute jokes.
867
00:33:27,505 --> 00:33:29,549
You'll waste away
most of your life...
868
00:33:30,216 --> 00:33:32,009
with purchased company.
869
00:33:32,635 --> 00:33:34,315
And then eventually
you'll self-medicate...
870
00:33:34,387 --> 00:33:37,223
with booze and hookers
and heroin.
871
00:33:38,015 --> 00:33:39,809
I imagine you'll die alone.
872
00:33:40,810 --> 00:33:42,979
Falling out of a hotel room
window in Stockholm.
873
00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:44,147
Jesus.
874
00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:46,023
I can't wait.
875
00:33:46,524 --> 00:33:48,151
Well, you're
everyone's favorite, Gilda.
876
00:33:48,443 --> 00:33:50,653
I'm just a bagel
looking for lox.
877
00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,740
I'm a parrot
with nothing to squawk.
878
00:33:53,906 --> 00:33:55,116
Well, I keep feeling
like any minute,
879
00:33:55,117 --> 00:33:57,075
Lorne's just gonna ship me back.
880
00:33:57,076 --> 00:33:59,912
Oh. No. On this budget,
we can't afford the postage.
881
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:01,371
There's a reason you're here.
882
00:34:01,372 --> 00:34:02,831
You may not know it,
but Lorne does.
883
00:34:02,832 --> 00:34:04,292
- Oh, God!
- You're dealing here with...
884
00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:05,793
a fully-qualified male strumpet.
885
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:07,503
I'm not a prop, mister.
886
00:34:07,670 --> 00:34:09,839
You know, I can assure you
professional hygiene...
887
00:34:10,339 --> 00:34:13,092
discretion,
animal gratification.
888
00:34:13,259 --> 00:34:15,511
Why don't you assure me a little
peace and quiet?
889
00:34:15,678 --> 00:34:16,679
You rang?
890
00:34:16,846 --> 00:34:18,473
Yeah. I need the Muppet pages.
891
00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:20,033
I already turned in
that one script.
892
00:34:20,057 --> 00:34:21,266
Was Henson uncomfortable
893
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:23,019
with the Muppets
on a plantation?
894
00:34:23,020 --> 00:34:24,102
It was a musical number.
895
00:34:24,103 --> 00:34:25,480
I don't think
that's the problem.
896
00:34:26,272 --> 00:34:28,649
I just can't write for those
little hairy facecloths.
897
00:34:28,816 --> 00:34:29,817
Well, I need something
for Henson.
898
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:30,985
We go live in an hour.
899
00:34:31,569 --> 00:34:34,572
You cannot say "horny" on NBC.
900
00:34:35,114 --> 00:34:36,824
Did you see
what that evangelical cunt
901
00:34:36,825 --> 00:34:38,117
did to our pages?
902
00:34:41,662 --> 00:34:42,955
I'll be right back.
903
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:45,124
So you want us to say sexy
instead of horny?
904
00:34:45,291 --> 00:34:46,727
And sexy and horny
just don't mean the same thing.
905
00:34:46,751 --> 00:34:48,669
I struggle
to see the difference.
906
00:34:48,836 --> 00:34:51,047
Well, if a dog is humping
your leg, it's horny.
907
00:34:51,214 --> 00:34:52,340
It's certainly not sexy.
908
00:34:52,507 --> 00:34:54,091
What on earth are you doing?
909
00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:58,846
I'd rather butt-fuck cancer
than make these changes.
910
00:35:07,355 --> 00:35:10,107
Your words don't scare me,
Mr. O'Donoghue.
911
00:35:10,274 --> 00:35:12,401
I am a woman of God.
912
00:35:12,568 --> 00:35:15,363
I'd heard that God's love
is blind. Now I know why.
913
00:35:15,364 --> 00:35:17,031
You see this?
914
00:35:17,240 --> 00:35:18,241
I do.
915
00:35:18,407 --> 00:35:21,244
I know it looks like
an ordinary red marker...
916
00:35:21,410 --> 00:35:23,204
but this one is special.
917
00:35:23,371 --> 00:35:26,499
It has kept America safe
for the better part of a decade.
918
00:35:26,666 --> 00:35:27,667
It is a weapon...
919
00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:30,670
against vulgarity, sex...
920
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:34,131
communism, and hedonism.
921
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:38,594
Oh. What about violence? Does it
protect America from violence?
922
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:39,804
Yes, that too.
923
00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,514
How about infanticide?
924
00:35:42,139 --> 00:35:43,140
Excuse me?
925
00:35:43,307 --> 00:35:44,725
Apologies. Just a...
926
00:35:45,142 --> 00:35:47,770
$2 word for a parent
who kills their own child.
927
00:35:49,772 --> 00:35:51,544
The mere thought
makes me nauseous.
928
00:35:51,545 --> 00:35:53,181
Oh, understandably.
Me too, by the way.
929
00:35:53,182 --> 00:35:54,819
It's just I had this idea
for a sketch,
930
00:35:54,820 --> 00:35:55,945
and I'm not sure if it's funny.
931
00:35:55,946 --> 00:35:57,029
You can be the judge.
932
00:35:57,196 --> 00:35:58,322
It's about this...
933
00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:00,073
powerful, temperamental guy
934
00:36:00,074 --> 00:36:01,951
who rapes this virgin
in the middle of the night.
935
00:36:01,952 --> 00:36:03,119
I know, awful.
936
00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:05,329
Knocks her up
without ever saying "Hello..."
937
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:06,873
Buying her flowers, whatever.
938
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:08,416
And then...
939
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:09,750
here's the funny part.
940
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:11,836
He has their bastard son...
941
00:36:12,003 --> 00:36:14,797
publicly mutilated and tortured
to death on a cross.
942
00:36:17,008 --> 00:36:19,218
You are a vile human.
943
00:36:19,927 --> 00:36:21,429
Ah, fuck.
You've heard this before.
944
00:36:23,639 --> 00:36:24,640
Mr. O'Donoghue.
945
00:36:24,807 --> 00:36:27,476
Are we still being formal?
Please, just call me Satan.
946
00:36:27,477 --> 00:36:28,561
No, I am Satan.
947
00:36:29,103 --> 00:36:30,521
- I am Satan.
- I am Satan.
948
00:36:30,688 --> 00:36:31,898
- I am Satan.
- I'm Satan.
949
00:36:32,064 --> 00:36:33,584
- No. I am Satan.
- We're Satan.
950
00:36:33,608 --> 00:36:37,904
You will be forgotten.
I am gonna make sure of it.
951
00:36:38,529 --> 00:36:39,822
Bye.
952
00:36:42,450 --> 00:36:43,658
Are you out of your mind?
953
00:36:43,659 --> 00:36:45,161
Look, for better or worse,
I call it like I see it.
954
00:36:45,162 --> 00:36:46,286
Well, that was worse.
955
00:36:46,287 --> 00:36:47,454
Lorne, they need you
at the loading dock.
956
00:36:47,455 --> 00:36:48,623
I'm sure someone can sign
for whatever.
957
00:36:48,624 --> 00:36:49,706
You're back on the Muppets.
958
00:36:49,707 --> 00:36:51,208
- Fuck you, I'll quit.
- Yeah, I doubt that.
959
00:36:51,209 --> 00:36:52,375
It's Leo. He's been fighting
960
00:36:52,376 --> 00:36:53,669
with security,
and there's blood.
961
00:36:54,211 --> 00:36:55,630
Oh, my God. Dick.
962
00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:57,048
Oh, shit.
963
00:37:01,052 --> 00:37:01,885
Ah!
964
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:04,095
- Hey!
- Hey, Dick. Is this turkey?
965
00:37:04,096 --> 00:37:05,723
- While I have...
- There wasn't a sign, so I...
966
00:37:05,724 --> 00:37:06,807
- Great.
- Lorne, Lorne.
967
00:37:06,808 --> 00:37:07,849
While I have you...
968
00:37:07,850 --> 00:37:10,102
Uh, I know you always want to be
on the cutting edge.
969
00:37:10,603 --> 00:37:11,604
Check this out.
970
00:37:12,188 --> 00:37:13,356
Polaroid.
971
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:16,525
Okay.
972
00:37:17,693 --> 00:37:19,862
Uh, we can have the actors
demo it live.
973
00:37:20,029 --> 00:37:22,448
Write it into sketches,
do live commercials.
974
00:37:22,615 --> 00:37:24,033
Funny ones.
The payout is bonkers.
975
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,178
Dick, the cast didn't sign up
to do live commercials.
976
00:37:26,202 --> 00:37:27,203
Neither did I.
977
00:37:27,370 --> 00:37:29,330
Some of the cast
might find that very unseemly.
978
00:37:29,331 --> 00:37:30,789
I completely understand.
979
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:32,792
But television's driven
by advertising.
980
00:37:32,793 --> 00:37:34,250
It's what makes the motor run.
981
00:37:34,251 --> 00:37:35,585
It's really
not a big deal at all.
982
00:37:35,586 --> 00:37:37,254
Just please don't show this
to the talent.
983
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:38,630
I don't want them thinking
984
00:37:38,631 --> 00:37:40,191
they're back
on the Kraft Macaroni Hour.
985
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,715
You know, what, are we
going kayaking? What is this?
986
00:37:43,302 --> 00:37:44,595
Lorne, we're over budget.
987
00:37:45,221 --> 00:37:46,406
Dick, you don't need
to tell me that.
988
00:37:46,430 --> 00:37:47,681
Someone needs to tell you that.
989
00:37:47,682 --> 00:37:49,120
We don't even know
what the show is yet.
990
00:37:49,121 --> 00:37:50,382
How could we possibly know
the budget?
991
00:37:50,383 --> 00:37:51,644
That's true.
That's a good point.
992
00:37:51,645 --> 00:37:52,769
Neil, please.
993
00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:54,270
If we don't know
what the show is,
994
00:37:54,271 --> 00:37:55,815
Lorne, what the fuck
are we doing here?
995
00:37:55,982 --> 00:37:57,608
I know the ingredients.
996
00:37:58,401 --> 00:37:59,442
Just not the amounts.
997
00:37:59,443 --> 00:38:00,528
Lorne, what does that mean?
998
00:38:00,695 --> 00:38:02,405
We just have to make it
to 11:30.
999
00:38:02,406 --> 00:38:04,073
Hey!
1000
00:38:04,074 --> 00:38:05,532
Ah!
1001
00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:06,784
Fuck! You fascist.
1002
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:08,953
- You want to lose your job?
- You want to lose your teeth?
1003
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:10,663
I'm the producer
of NBC'S Saturday Night
1004
00:38:10,664 --> 00:38:12,247
and you just hit a man
with a Tony.
1005
00:38:12,248 --> 00:38:14,648
- I've hit plenty of Tony's.
- All right. Hey, that's enough.
1006
00:38:14,750 --> 00:38:17,169
Tell your friends,
no deliveries after 6:00 p.m.
1007
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:19,067
- Shove it up your ass.
- Fuck you.
1008
00:38:19,068 --> 00:38:20,715
All right.
Keep going with the bricks.
1009
00:38:20,716 --> 00:38:22,279
You took that punch
like a champ.
1010
00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:23,842
I'm actually not sure
you're supposed
1011
00:38:23,843 --> 00:38:25,344
to be pinching
the bottom of the nostrils.
1012
00:38:25,345 --> 00:38:26,428
If you pinch a little higher...
1013
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:29,515
Hey, guys, I'm so sorry.
Am I missing something?
1014
00:38:29,682 --> 00:38:32,082
Why are we using real brick?
Can't we just roll out linoleum?
1015
00:38:32,143 --> 00:38:34,853
- Hey! Fuck you!
- Okay. Jesus. Just relax.
1016
00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:36,772
Dick, our vision for home base
is a street corner...
1017
00:38:36,773 --> 00:38:38,732
with all the grit and texture
of New York City.
1018
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,901
Yeah, okay. I mean, are we gonna
use real blood and vomit, too?
1019
00:38:40,902 --> 00:38:42,028
I'll give you
some real fucking blood.
1020
00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:43,237
Hey, hey, whoa,
no more fighting.
1021
00:38:43,238 --> 00:38:44,447
No more fighting.
He doesn't know.
1022
00:38:44,448 --> 00:38:45,656
He doesn't know. It's okay.
1023
00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:49,660
Why are we stopping?
1024
00:38:55,499 --> 00:38:57,250
- Hello, everybody.
- Andy.
1025
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,170
What are you... You can't keep
wandering off like that.
1026
00:38:59,171 --> 00:39:00,712
I had to go to the bathroom.
1027
00:39:00,713 --> 00:39:01,964
That's very good.
That's very good.
1028
00:39:01,965 --> 00:39:03,048
Lorne...
1029
00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:04,050
Barbara, what time do you have?
1030
00:39:04,051 --> 00:39:05,634
Uh, 10:39.
1031
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:07,178
- Lorne.
- Hmm?
1032
00:39:08,220 --> 00:39:09,221
The brick.
1033
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:10,681
It's...
1034
00:39:15,519 --> 00:39:17,521
It's got its pockets out.
It's workmanlike.
1035
00:39:17,688 --> 00:39:19,065
It's honest.
1036
00:39:19,231 --> 00:39:21,043
Dick, it's critical
for the success of the show.
1037
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:23,110
Okay, but what is the show?
1038
00:39:28,783 --> 00:39:30,785
I mean, honestly, Dick,
if you don't know by now...
1039
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:34,622
Chevy Chase.
1040
00:39:35,039 --> 00:39:36,874
Gilda Radner.
1041
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:38,918
Dan Ayk-a...
1042
00:39:39,085 --> 00:39:41,087
How the fuck
do you pronounce this?
1043
00:39:41,253 --> 00:39:42,254
Aykroyd.
1044
00:39:42,588 --> 00:39:43,672
Dan Aykroyd.
1045
00:39:43,839 --> 00:39:45,216
50 minutes, everybody!
1046
00:39:45,382 --> 00:39:47,093
Laraine Newman.
1047
00:39:47,426 --> 00:39:48,677
You nervous?
1048
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,138
Uh, no. No, not really.
1049
00:39:51,305 --> 00:39:52,973
I mean,
I've only got a couple bits.
1050
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,142
The jury thing and a TV host.
1051
00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:57,645
Uh-huh...
1052
00:39:59,021 --> 00:40:03,025
Say, you ever wonder exactly
what it is you are doing here?
1053
00:40:03,901 --> 00:40:05,778
Yeah, and I think
I've got a pretty good idea.
1054
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,321
And what is that?
1055
00:40:07,905 --> 00:40:09,364
Well, Garrett, I'll tell ya,
1056
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,992
I like to give 100%
in everything I do.
1057
00:40:13,077 --> 00:40:15,579
And I like a dish soap
that does that too.
1058
00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:19,834
So alive, so young,
so alluring...
1059
00:40:20,376 --> 00:40:23,003
so exotic, so hypnotic...
1060
00:40:23,462 --> 00:40:24,713
so manipulative...
1061
00:40:25,047 --> 00:40:28,342
so sadistically abusive...
1062
00:40:28,509 --> 00:40:30,594
so cartoonishly abhorrent...
1063
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,555
You see, when it comes
to my skin
1064
00:40:32,556 --> 00:40:34,014
and my sensitive parts...
1065
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:36,850
I only trust
100% American-made steel wool.
1066
00:40:36,851 --> 00:40:39,478
Strong enough for a man...
1067
00:40:39,645 --> 00:40:42,523
but whimsical and helpless
enough for a woman.
1068
00:40:43,023 --> 00:40:44,900
And don't wait. Act now.
1069
00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:47,319
Act like your very life
depends on it.
1070
00:40:47,486 --> 00:40:49,206
Act like your children's lives
depend on it.
1071
00:40:49,363 --> 00:40:53,659
Act like the children
in Africa's lives depend on it.
1072
00:40:55,619 --> 00:40:57,537
Man, what the fuck
1073
00:40:57,538 --> 00:40:59,456
- was all of that?
- That was my 20s, Garrett.
1074
00:40:59,623 --> 00:41:01,584
And that is exactly
what I'm doing here.
1075
00:41:02,001 --> 00:41:03,002
Well, shit...
1076
00:41:03,169 --> 00:41:06,255
I'm just here
to play the butler...
1077
00:41:06,589 --> 00:41:09,592
the shoeshine guy, and the pimp.
1078
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:12,303
Think you seem
a little nice for a pimp.
1079
00:41:13,012 --> 00:41:15,055
You're a little pretty
for a comedienne.
1080
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:17,099
Well, cheers to staying out
of the spotlight.
1081
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:18,057
Hmm.
1082
00:41:18,058 --> 00:41:22,479
Ladies and gentlemen,
your host, George Carlin!
1083
00:41:22,646 --> 00:41:25,046
You can't just let me come out
from behind a goddamn curtain?
1084
00:41:25,107 --> 00:41:27,193
I have to descend
like Norma fuckin' Desmond.
1085
00:41:27,359 --> 00:41:29,486
All right. Fuck you, everyone.
1086
00:41:29,653 --> 00:41:31,655
Fuck you, fuck you.
1087
00:41:31,822 --> 00:41:33,115
I've definitely fucked you.
1088
00:41:33,282 --> 00:41:34,742
- Fuck you.
- Yeah.
1089
00:41:34,909 --> 00:41:36,827
- Fuck you.
- Fuck all of you.
1090
00:41:36,994 --> 00:41:38,078
You have to distract her.
1091
00:41:38,245 --> 00:41:39,371
How?
1092
00:41:39,538 --> 00:41:40,873
With your sparkling wit.
1093
00:41:43,250 --> 00:41:44,334
Excuse me, miss.
1094
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,354
Could you confirm that this is
a normal deck of cards?
1095
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:47,838
No marks, no folds,
no blemishes?
1096
00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,569
- George!
- Yeah. All right.
1097
00:41:50,570 --> 00:41:53,135
Welcome to the show.
I have some musics and laughs.
1098
00:41:53,302 --> 00:41:55,553
I plug the record,
blah-blah-blah.
1099
00:41:55,554 --> 00:41:58,514
Regular old deck, 52 cards.
I am going to make...
1100
00:41:58,515 --> 00:42:00,309
- George, keep going, please.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1101
00:42:00,310 --> 00:42:01,769
You ever look at the crowds
in old movies
1102
00:42:01,770 --> 00:42:03,145
and wonder if they're dead yet?
1103
00:42:03,312 --> 00:42:04,438
Slow, slow, slow!
1104
00:42:06,398 --> 00:42:08,525
Are you fucking kidding me
with this shit?
1105
00:42:08,943 --> 00:42:10,402
And throw to Janis.
1106
00:42:10,819 --> 00:42:11,820
What?
1107
00:42:11,987 --> 00:42:14,323
Yeah, throw it to Janis.
Introduce her, please.
1108
00:42:14,949 --> 00:42:16,992
- Keep going.
- Ladies and gentlemen...
1109
00:42:17,159 --> 00:42:18,452
Janis Ian.
1110
00:42:18,994 --> 00:42:22,915
♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪
1111
00:42:23,082 --> 00:42:27,044
♪ That love was meant
For beauty queens ♪
1112
00:42:28,128 --> 00:42:30,589
♪ And high school girls
With clear-skinned smiles ♪
1113
00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:34,551
♪ Who married young
And then retired ♪
1114
00:42:36,303 --> 00:42:37,388
- Mr. Carlin?
- Yeah?
1115
00:42:37,554 --> 00:42:39,890
I am Joan Carbunkle,
NBC standards.
1116
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,868
- Oh, I didn't know they had any.
- Joan, he's very busy.
1117
00:42:41,892 --> 00:42:43,411
Just please share your concerns
with me, all right?
1118
00:42:43,435 --> 00:42:45,646
No, no, no. I'd like to hear
her concerns personally,
1119
00:42:45,647 --> 00:42:46,730
if you don't mind.
1120
00:42:46,897 --> 00:42:48,708
I know you have
a propensity for the obscene...
1121
00:42:48,732 --> 00:42:51,402
and a lurid interest
in colorful language.
1122
00:42:51,568 --> 00:42:53,046
- Thank you very much.
- Mr. Carlin...
1123
00:42:53,070 --> 00:42:54,630
you'll be happy to know
that there is...
1124
00:42:55,489 --> 00:42:57,283
one delay button...
1125
00:42:57,449 --> 00:42:59,868
and my finger is on it.
1126
00:43:02,579 --> 00:43:04,581
I'm surprised
you even found the button...
1127
00:43:04,748 --> 00:43:06,208
let alone touched it.
1128
00:43:08,544 --> 00:43:10,045
Is this your eight of diamonds?
1129
00:43:11,547 --> 00:43:14,758
♪ Who called to say
come dance with me ♪
1130
00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:17,511
Are you gonna help?
1131
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:20,848
I really wish we could,
but, uh, we don't do bricks.
1132
00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:22,495
What guild is it
that does the bricks?
1133
00:43:22,641 --> 00:43:23,934
Is that 422?
1134
00:43:24,101 --> 00:43:26,020
No, that's carpenters.
How about 303?
1135
00:43:26,186 --> 00:43:28,564
Nah, that's the pipefitters.
1136
00:43:29,565 --> 00:43:31,191
I don't know
why you're laying brick.
1137
00:43:31,358 --> 00:43:32,943
You're gonna be gone
in two weeks.
1138
00:43:33,110 --> 00:43:36,488
♪ A brown-eyed girl
in hand-me-downs ♪
1139
00:43:36,655 --> 00:43:38,949
So, it's gonna be like one of
those 1950s safari flicks.
1140
00:43:39,116 --> 00:43:40,885
You know, the ones with
Rhonda Fleming, Susan Hayward.
1141
00:43:40,909 --> 00:43:42,494
That's a prop.
1142
00:43:45,164 --> 00:43:47,291
So, I want you to take
this bowl of potato chips here.
1143
00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:48,458
- Me?
- Yes, you.
1144
00:43:48,459 --> 00:43:49,659
I want you to reach into them.
1145
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:50,752
Every time I take a step,
1146
00:43:50,753 --> 00:43:52,254
give 'em a little crunch,
all right?
1147
00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:53,756
It's like we're in the safari.
Ready?
1148
00:43:54,131 --> 00:43:55,215
Give it a try.
1149
00:43:59,178 --> 00:44:01,055
Early.
1150
00:44:01,221 --> 00:44:03,015
I just got this job.
1151
00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,142
Now we're getting it.
1152
00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:09,188
You piece of shit.
1153
00:44:09,189 --> 00:44:11,315
That was nice. Not bad.
1154
00:44:17,258 --> 00:44:18,697
Caw! Caw!
1155
00:44:18,989 --> 00:44:20,240
Don't shoot me.
1156
00:44:23,827 --> 00:44:24,932
I know that noise.
1157
00:44:26,038 --> 00:44:28,040
That's a monkey
being run over by the C-train.
1158
00:44:29,708 --> 00:44:31,085
My archnemesis.
1159
00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,503
Here he comes.
1160
00:44:39,385 --> 00:44:41,225
There's no way
they're gonna fit all that show.
1161
00:44:42,638 --> 00:44:43,639
You think?
1162
00:44:44,848 --> 00:44:46,993
Yeah, something's got to go.
Hey, Lorne, can we talk minutes?
1163
00:44:47,017 --> 00:44:48,203
You're doing great, Billy.
1164
00:44:48,227 --> 00:44:49,987
- That was weird.
- Yep. We're fucked.
1165
00:45:01,156 --> 00:45:03,992
Excuse me, "ociffer,"
have I done somethin' wrong?
1166
00:45:04,952 --> 00:45:06,787
What do we have here?
1167
00:45:06,954 --> 00:45:09,373
Why, that would be my ass.
1168
00:45:11,917 --> 00:45:14,753
Mmm-hmm. Billy Preston's band
hooked it up.
1169
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:16,505
Medical grade, baby.
1170
00:45:16,672 --> 00:45:18,799
Floats in the bottle
and then you...
1171
00:45:22,344 --> 00:45:23,345
Checks out.
1172
00:45:23,971 --> 00:45:25,139
Medical grade.
1173
00:45:26,014 --> 00:45:26,848
Uh...
1174
00:45:26,849 --> 00:45:28,642
So, tell me how you fit
into this ensemble.
1175
00:45:28,976 --> 00:45:30,435
Is this an ensemble?
1176
00:45:30,436 --> 00:45:33,856
Uh, no, we have many talented,
talented improvisers...
1177
00:45:34,022 --> 00:45:35,899
from Chicago and Toronto and...
1178
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:37,067
And Boston.
1179
00:45:37,234 --> 00:45:39,403
And Boston.
Yes, Jane Curtin is from Boston.
1180
00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:40,930
You've met my fiancée?
1181
00:45:41,196 --> 00:45:42,197
Missed a little there.
1182
00:45:43,365 --> 00:45:44,565
But to answer your question...
1183
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:45,617
While I've got you captive.
1184
00:45:45,618 --> 00:45:46,702
They want to shave me.
1185
00:45:46,869 --> 00:45:48,704
Careful. There's no jaw
under that beard,
1186
00:45:48,871 --> 00:45:49,955
just 10 pounds of neck.
1187
00:45:50,122 --> 00:45:51,539
Chevy.
1188
00:45:52,958 --> 00:45:56,003
Jesus Christ, you psycho,
you son of a bitch!
1189
00:45:56,378 --> 00:45:58,088
Shove it up your fucking ass!
1190
00:45:59,506 --> 00:46:01,758
Hey, hey, hey, stop right now!
1191
00:46:02,634 --> 00:46:05,846
Guys! Goddamn it!
Stop! Stop! Chevy, out!
1192
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:08,093
- Don't feed coke to the animals!
- Out! Chev!
1193
00:46:09,308 --> 00:46:11,185
Take a seat.
1194
00:46:12,769 --> 00:46:13,770
Yeah.
1195
00:46:13,937 --> 00:46:15,314
You okay, John?
1196
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:16,666
So, we're throwing things now?
1197
00:46:16,690 --> 00:46:17,858
He started it.
1198
00:46:18,317 --> 00:46:19,557
It's just a shave, John.
1199
00:46:19,693 --> 00:46:21,195
So, NBC owns my fucking face?
1200
00:46:21,361 --> 00:46:22,404
- No.
- Yeah, a little bit.
1201
00:46:22,571 --> 00:46:24,281
But would Jimi Hendrix play
in mittens?
1202
00:46:24,448 --> 00:46:25,616
That's a good point.
1203
00:46:26,825 --> 00:46:29,077
John, you're going to go down
as one of the giants
1204
00:46:29,078 --> 00:46:30,245
of character expressionism...
1205
00:46:30,246 --> 00:46:31,788
from Chaplin to Brando.
1206
00:46:31,955 --> 00:46:32,956
Belushi...
1207
00:46:33,373 --> 00:46:34,374
Why hide your gift?
1208
00:46:34,541 --> 00:46:36,001
Beards are for pussies.
1209
00:46:37,419 --> 00:46:38,629
And the bees are bullshit.
1210
00:46:38,795 --> 00:46:40,106
You think I don't know that?
Of course, they are.
1211
00:46:40,130 --> 00:46:41,798
They're stupid,
they're postmodern...
1212
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:44,301
they're Warhol, they're iconic,
they're Sergeant Pepper.
1213
00:46:44,468 --> 00:46:46,508
- So well said.
- I'm glad you get it.
1214
00:46:47,304 --> 00:46:48,305
John...
1215
00:46:48,472 --> 00:46:49,752
we go live in less than an hour.
1216
00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,099
45 minutes.
1217
00:46:55,020 --> 00:46:56,939
I need you
to sign your contract.
1218
00:47:05,240 --> 00:47:06,469
Oh, yeah.
1219
00:47:07,700 --> 00:47:08,784
What?
1220
00:47:08,951 --> 00:47:09,952
What's happening?
1221
00:47:10,369 --> 00:47:11,620
What happened to the music?
1222
00:47:12,829 --> 00:47:14,581
Hey! Why did you stop playing?
1223
00:47:14,748 --> 00:47:16,083
The speakers went out.
1224
00:47:16,458 --> 00:47:17,578
- All of them?
- All of them.
1225
00:47:17,626 --> 00:47:19,294
What the hell is happening?
What... Dick?
1226
00:47:19,461 --> 00:47:21,461
I'm on with the outfit
that supplied speakers at...
1227
00:47:21,505 --> 00:47:22,649
- Yeah, Rockefeller Plaza.
- Toscanini!
1228
00:47:22,673 --> 00:47:24,841
Height of audio fidelity!
What can we be doing?
1229
00:47:25,008 --> 00:47:26,343
Yeah, what can we be doing?
1230
00:47:26,510 --> 00:47:27,719
We got no sound.
1231
00:47:27,886 --> 00:47:30,722
Idiot on the light board,
and we go live in 45.
1232
00:47:31,139 --> 00:47:32,432
What do you want to rehearse?
1233
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:34,559
Uh...
1234
00:47:35,477 --> 00:47:36,561
We could pull up...
1235
00:47:36,562 --> 00:47:37,645
Weekend Update?
1236
00:47:37,646 --> 00:47:39,313
Do you want
to do Weekend Update? Yeah.
1237
00:47:39,314 --> 00:47:41,292
All right, everyone,
we're moving to Weekend Update.
1238
00:47:41,316 --> 00:47:43,652
- Okay, great, great.
- Don, stand by for your intro.
1239
00:47:45,237 --> 00:47:46,988
Here we go. Move it, people.
1240
00:47:57,874 --> 00:47:59,001
Let's go. Let's go.
1241
00:47:59,501 --> 00:48:00,564
I'm good. Fine.
1242
00:48:04,006 --> 00:48:07,259
From Saturday Night News
headquarters.
1243
00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:09,344
This is Weekend Update...
1244
00:48:09,511 --> 00:48:11,470
with Lorne Michaels.
1245
00:48:19,479 --> 00:48:20,981
Our top story tonight...
1246
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:22,190
some world news.
1247
00:48:22,357 --> 00:48:24,568
Japanese Emperor Hirohito
met Mickey Mouse
1248
00:48:24,569 --> 00:48:25,986
at Disneyland this week.
1249
00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:29,239
The emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
1250
00:48:33,994 --> 00:48:35,078
How was that?
1251
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,330
It was horrible.
1252
00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:38,832
Right. Um...
1253
00:48:40,542 --> 00:48:43,587
And now with a weather report...
1254
00:48:43,754 --> 00:48:46,965
we turn it over
to meteorologist John Belushi.
1255
00:48:47,132 --> 00:48:48,759
What's it looking like
out there, John?
1256
00:48:48,925 --> 00:48:50,197
Thank you, Lorne.
1257
00:48:50,198 --> 00:48:51,469
It's often said,
1258
00:48:51,470 --> 00:48:54,681
"March comes in like a lion
and goes out like a lamb."
1259
00:48:54,890 --> 00:48:57,434
But did you know March behaves
differently in other countries?
1260
00:48:58,018 --> 00:48:59,310
In Norway, for example,
1261
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:02,230
March comes in like a polar bear
and goes out like a walrus.
1262
00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:04,608
Or consider
the Republic of South Africa...
1263
00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:06,233
where March comes in like a lion
1264
00:49:06,234 --> 00:49:07,594
and goes out
like a different lion.
1265
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,154
Like one has a mane
1266
00:49:09,155 --> 00:49:11,281
and the other
doesn't have a mane.
1267
00:49:11,448 --> 00:49:14,242
And there's a country where
March hops in like a kangaroo...
1268
00:49:14,409 --> 00:49:15,911
and stays a kangaroo
for a while.
1269
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:17,120
Australia.
1270
00:49:17,287 --> 00:49:19,265
Then for a couple of days,
it's sort of a cross between...
1271
00:49:19,289 --> 00:49:21,375
a frilled lizard
and a common house cat.
1272
00:49:21,792 --> 00:49:24,211
Then it changes back
into a smaller kangaroo...
1273
00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:26,505
and then it goes out
like a wild dingo!
1274
00:49:26,755 --> 00:49:28,298
No, no, and it's not Australia!
1275
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,634
You'd think it'd be Australia,
but it's not!
1276
00:49:30,801 --> 00:49:31,926
Oh!
1277
00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:33,845
And there are
nine different countries...
1278
00:49:33,846 --> 00:49:35,471
where March comes in like a frog
1279
00:49:35,472 --> 00:49:37,348
and goes out
like a golden retriever.
1280
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:39,142
But that's not the weird part.
No, no, no.
1281
00:49:39,309 --> 00:49:41,478
The weird part is the frog.
The frog.
1282
00:49:41,645 --> 00:49:42,979
The weird part is the...
1283
00:49:44,315 --> 00:49:46,545
Okay.
1284
00:49:48,204 --> 00:49:49,720
John.
1285
00:49:51,238 --> 00:49:52,948
Are you all right? Are you okay?
1286
00:49:53,365 --> 00:49:54,366
I give in.
1287
00:49:54,866 --> 00:49:55,867
That was brilliant.
1288
00:49:56,034 --> 00:49:58,078
Now I need you
to sign your contract.
1289
00:50:01,623 --> 00:50:02,983
- Was that a yes?
- That was a yes.
1290
00:50:03,125 --> 00:50:04,725
- Was that a yes? Okay.
- That was a yes.
1291
00:50:04,835 --> 00:50:06,595
- Neil, can I get the contract?
- Yeah.
1292
00:50:07,003 --> 00:50:09,047
- Okay. Do you have a pen?
- Uh...
1293
00:50:09,048 --> 00:50:10,172
Lorne, Lorne, Lorne,
1294
00:50:10,173 --> 00:50:12,175
there's a call from Burbank
waiting in your office.
1295
00:50:13,009 --> 00:50:14,219
Burbank?
1296
00:50:14,386 --> 00:50:15,387
Carson.
1297
00:50:15,721 --> 00:50:17,597
Uh, okay.
Um, Someone get him a pen.
1298
00:50:17,764 --> 00:50:19,953
Don't let him use it as a straw.
1299
00:50:19,954 --> 00:50:22,144
Uh, rehearse something.
Anything.
1300
00:50:22,310 --> 00:50:24,438
All right,
Bee Hospital stage left.
1301
00:50:24,604 --> 00:50:26,148
Let's go. We're moving.
Here we go.
1302
00:50:27,232 --> 00:50:28,859
- Great work, guys.
- Excuse me.
1303
00:50:29,025 --> 00:50:30,985
Hey, Mr. Michaels.
1304
00:50:30,986 --> 00:50:32,236
- Oh, Mr. Henson.
- Hey.
1305
00:50:32,237 --> 00:50:34,531
I'm excited to see what you
and your merry band of creatures
1306
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:35,948
have in store for us tonight.
1307
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:38,452
Well, Lorne, we don't have
any script pages yet...
1308
00:50:38,453 --> 00:50:40,558
so, the Muppets
are flyin' blind here.
1309
00:50:40,559 --> 00:50:42,664
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of it.
1310
00:50:42,665 --> 00:50:43,956
Neil, Jim needs his pages.
1311
00:50:43,957 --> 00:50:46,084
Thank you. Thank you.
And please, sorry, Lorne...
1312
00:50:47,002 --> 00:50:49,045
can you please
remind your crew...
1313
00:50:49,212 --> 00:50:52,841
not to leave the Muppets
in compromising positions?
1314
00:50:54,301 --> 00:50:55,802
That doesn't sound like them.
1315
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:58,263
Well, they left a note.
1316
00:50:59,014 --> 00:51:00,015
They didn't.
1317
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:01,183
They did.
1318
00:51:01,767 --> 00:51:02,768
It said...
1319
00:51:05,479 --> 00:51:07,647
"Fuck-Rags for rent."
1320
00:51:08,690 --> 00:51:10,066
- Mmm...
- Okay?
1321
00:51:10,233 --> 00:51:11,902
I know what that means, so...
1322
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:14,613
I'll talk to Michael.
Immediately.
1323
00:51:14,780 --> 00:51:15,864
Thank you.
1324
00:51:18,617 --> 00:51:19,618
All right. Thank you.
1325
00:51:20,535 --> 00:51:21,848
Oh. Hey, Bernie.
1326
00:51:21,849 --> 00:51:23,163
Oh, no, you're good.
1327
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:30,295
Hello, this is Lorne.
1328
00:51:30,587 --> 00:51:32,923
I was beginning to think
you didn't like me.
1329
00:51:33,089 --> 00:51:34,340
Of course not, Mr. Carson.
1330
00:51:34,341 --> 00:51:36,134
You're the voice
of a generation.
1331
00:51:36,301 --> 00:51:38,428
I just wanted
to reach out and say,
1332
00:51:38,429 --> 00:51:39,638
"Good luck tonight."
1333
00:51:39,805 --> 00:51:41,014
Oh, that's very kind.
1334
00:51:41,181 --> 00:51:42,992
And also, I suppose
I wanted to make sure...
1335
00:51:43,016 --> 00:51:45,852
we don't end up
stepping on each other's dicks.
1336
00:51:46,019 --> 00:51:47,019
Right.
1337
00:51:47,020 --> 00:51:48,271
You know how
this all started, don't you?
1338
00:51:48,272 --> 00:51:49,356
Just sign it, John.
1339
00:51:50,232 --> 00:51:51,441
Just sign it, John.
1340
00:51:51,608 --> 00:51:53,151
With a kite and a key, I'm sure.
1341
00:51:53,318 --> 00:51:55,078
Don't be a dipshit
for a second, kid.
1342
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:56,529
I'm sure you've heard by now
1343
00:51:56,530 --> 00:51:58,532
that Mommy and Daddy
are fighting...
1344
00:51:58,698 --> 00:52:01,451
and that's why you got
the house to yourself tonight.
1345
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:02,910
Frankly, it's the only reason
1346
00:52:02,911 --> 00:52:05,664
they ever green light
your little talent show.
1347
00:52:06,373 --> 00:52:08,333
Look, these things
always go the same way.
1348
00:52:08,667 --> 00:52:10,948
First, they try to fuck you,
and then they buy you dinner.
1349
00:52:11,461 --> 00:52:13,066
I'm not opposed
to Saturday Night...
1350
00:52:13,067 --> 00:52:14,673
even if it is
a dumping ground...
1351
00:52:14,674 --> 00:52:15,756
No. No.
1352
00:52:15,757 --> 00:52:17,551
For the deadbeats and bag heads.
1353
00:52:17,552 --> 00:52:18,467
Dick, no.
1354
00:52:18,468 --> 00:52:19,385
In the meantime, you get to...
1355
00:52:19,386 --> 00:52:20,616
play dress-up
on national television.
1356
00:52:20,617 --> 00:52:21,847
Don't let him hold the camera.
1357
00:52:21,848 --> 00:52:22,931
Good for you.
1358
00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,058
So, here's some friendly advice.
1359
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:27,185
Enjoy your little show...
1360
00:52:27,352 --> 00:52:28,895
but don't get too comfortable.
1361
00:52:29,563 --> 00:52:31,731
You're a bench warmer,
a stalking horse.
1362
00:52:31,898 --> 00:52:34,651
It's my fucking network.
It's my fucking night.
1363
00:52:35,569 --> 00:52:37,009
No hard feelings, though.
1364
00:52:37,112 --> 00:52:39,114
Fuck the bees
and fuck this show!
1365
00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:40,866
John.
Hey, where are you going?
1366
00:52:41,032 --> 00:52:42,409
I go where I'm kicked!
1367
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:44,744
Heard you are
a halfway decent writer.
1368
00:52:45,662 --> 00:52:47,163
Send me some samples sometime.
1369
00:52:47,330 --> 00:52:48,890
We're always looking
for a bunch of 'em.
1370
00:52:50,792 --> 00:52:51,918
How'd the call go?
1371
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,420
Tremendous.
Thank you for asking.
1372
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,422
- Great.
- Belushi walked.
1373
00:52:55,589 --> 00:52:57,465
- What? He quit?
- No, well, technically...
1374
00:52:57,632 --> 00:52:59,569
he would need a fucking job
to quit! But, yes, he walked.
1375
00:52:59,593 --> 00:53:01,195
We need to find him.
I'll take the eighth floor.
1376
00:53:01,219 --> 00:53:02,739
- You take the ninth, okay?
- Uh. Oh...
1377
00:53:03,013 --> 00:53:04,014
Okay.
1378
00:53:04,681 --> 00:53:06,683
Uh, hey,
have you seen John Belushi?
1379
00:53:06,684 --> 00:53:07,767
No.
1380
00:53:09,352 --> 00:53:10,746
There's a reason
they call it master control.
1381
00:53:10,770 --> 00:53:11,914
Sorry, Jim,
have you seen John Belushi?
1382
00:53:11,938 --> 00:53:14,232
You want to hand the airwaves
over to that maniac?
1383
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:16,818
- Have you seen Belushi?
- I'm not an animal wrangler.
1384
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:18,361
Belushi? Belushi?
1385
00:53:18,528 --> 00:53:19,696
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1386
00:53:19,863 --> 00:53:21,197
- Belushi?
- Belushi?
1387
00:53:21,364 --> 00:53:24,075
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi? John?
1388
00:53:29,331 --> 00:53:30,581
Hey, guys, sorry to bother you.
1389
00:53:30,582 --> 00:53:32,417
Have you seen
John Belushi anywhere?
1390
00:53:32,584 --> 00:53:35,086
Oh. Yeah, sure. He was
hangin' out with us yesterday.
1391
00:53:35,087 --> 00:53:36,254
Right, Howard?
1392
00:53:36,421 --> 00:53:38,065
No, sorry. I meant
in the last few minutes.
1393
00:53:38,089 --> 00:53:39,257
- Did he...
- Oh, no.
1394
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:42,177
Well, you seem stressed.
You okay, buddy?
1395
00:53:42,344 --> 00:53:44,262
- Yeah, I'm okay.
- You need a hit?
1396
00:53:44,971 --> 00:53:47,974
Uh, oh! No, no, no, that's fine.
That's okay.
1397
00:53:47,975 --> 00:53:49,016
Oh.
1398
00:53:49,017 --> 00:53:50,185
I think it'd help.
1399
00:53:51,561 --> 00:53:52,562
That makes sense.
1400
00:53:55,273 --> 00:53:56,274
There we go.
1401
00:53:59,110 --> 00:54:00,820
Oh, look at him.
1402
00:54:00,987 --> 00:54:02,864
Attaboy.
1403
00:54:03,031 --> 00:54:04,824
Good luck on your quest, amigo.
1404
00:54:08,203 --> 00:54:10,080
Have you seen John Belushi?
1405
00:54:10,789 --> 00:54:11,957
Have you guys seen John?
1406
00:54:12,123 --> 00:54:14,626
Neil, who do you think I am?
1407
00:54:15,335 --> 00:54:16,628
Human bumblebee.
1408
00:54:16,795 --> 00:54:18,171
No, man. I am talking about...
1409
00:54:18,338 --> 00:54:21,341
what is my identity on the show?
1410
00:54:21,508 --> 00:54:22,926
Don't ask me that right now.
1411
00:54:23,843 --> 00:54:26,221
I can't answer that right now.
Oh.
1412
00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:32,227
- Oh.
- What the hell are you doing?
1413
00:54:35,313 --> 00:54:37,232
Thank you.
1414
00:54:40,860 --> 00:54:42,112
Has anybody seen John?
1415
00:54:42,278 --> 00:54:44,280
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1416
00:54:44,447 --> 00:54:45,567
- No. No.
- I'm John.
1417
00:54:45,615 --> 00:54:47,283
- I'm John.
- No. No.
1418
00:54:47,450 --> 00:54:49,202
- I'm John.
- I'm John.
1419
00:54:49,369 --> 00:54:50,370
Hold this, please.
1420
00:54:53,185 --> 00:54:55,040
One of them is mine.
1421
00:54:55,041 --> 00:54:56,208
Hey, have you guys
seen John Belushi?
1422
00:54:56,209 --> 00:54:57,919
Hey, you're... Kid, why are you
holding your face like that?
1423
00:54:57,920 --> 00:54:59,504
- Why are you shouting?
- Sweetie, are you okay?
1424
00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:02,632
I don't know.
I can hear my own blood.
1425
00:55:03,550 --> 00:55:04,551
Am I gonna be okay?
1426
00:55:04,718 --> 00:55:06,720
Don't ask her.
She's a nymph, not a nurse, kid.
1427
00:55:06,886 --> 00:55:08,346
I know that!
1428
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,640
- Look, should I be worried?
- About Neil?
1429
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,142
No. Fuck Neil. About my act.
1430
00:55:12,308 --> 00:55:14,352
I can't get a straight answer
out of Lorne.
1431
00:55:14,519 --> 00:55:16,855
Billy, you're family.
1432
00:55:18,189 --> 00:55:19,274
- Neil...
- Neil...
1433
00:55:22,944 --> 00:55:24,571
This week on The Rumpus Hour.
1434
00:55:24,738 --> 00:55:26,113
Tony Orlando and Dawn,
1435
00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:28,240
Shields and Yarnell,
the Domingo Brothers...
1436
00:55:28,241 --> 00:55:30,869
and your favorite juggling
barbershop quartet,
1437
00:55:30,870 --> 00:55:32,202
Macho Quatro.
1438
00:55:32,203 --> 00:55:34,748
{\an8}Lorne. You know Milton Berle?
1439
00:55:34,914 --> 00:55:37,625
Absolutely. Big fan.
I grew up on your work.
1440
00:55:37,792 --> 00:55:39,335
Who didn't?
Hear it's your big night.
1441
00:55:39,502 --> 00:55:41,588
Planning on it.
How's it all coming?
1442
00:55:42,297 --> 00:55:43,757
Just perfect.
1443
00:55:43,923 --> 00:55:45,683
- You never hear that.
- You certainly don't.
1444
00:55:46,885 --> 00:55:49,596
Yep. Being here must bring back
all kinds of memories, I'm sure.
1445
00:55:49,763 --> 00:55:50,930
Sure, sure. Yeah.
1446
00:55:51,097 --> 00:55:53,141
Used to call this
the RCA Radio Tower.
1447
00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:54,933
Radio, that wonderful invention
1448
00:55:54,934 --> 00:55:56,603
by which I could reach
a million people.
1449
00:55:56,770 --> 00:55:58,521
Who fortunately
couldn't reach me.
1450
00:55:58,688 --> 00:56:02,859
You know, Milt's TV show
once pulled a 97 share.
1451
00:56:03,026 --> 00:56:07,322
97% of the American audience
was watching Uncle Miltie.
1452
00:56:07,489 --> 00:56:09,491
Do you ever miss
being Mr. Television?
1453
00:56:10,825 --> 00:56:12,243
What is he talking about?
1454
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:13,411
Lorne...
1455
00:56:13,578 --> 00:56:15,955
Milton remains
one of the Peacock's
1456
00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:17,582
most colorful feathers.
1457
00:56:17,749 --> 00:56:19,518
- It's quite a feather.
- Of course, of course.
1458
00:56:19,542 --> 00:56:21,586
And I'm looking forward
to hosting your show.
1459
00:56:22,295 --> 00:56:24,089
Well, we'd be honored.
1460
00:56:24,380 --> 00:56:26,233
I think there's still so many
decisions we'd have to make.
1461
00:56:26,257 --> 00:56:27,526
I'm hearing episode five.
1462
00:56:27,550 --> 00:56:30,637
The boys upstairs love it
and the affiliates ate it up.
1463
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,114
Well, they're the real boss.
1464
00:56:32,138 --> 00:56:33,932
Right.
Well, it is a late show.
1465
00:56:33,933 --> 00:56:35,350
Are you suited for midnight?
1466
00:56:35,809 --> 00:56:39,312
At 67,
I still feel like a 20-year-old.
1467
00:56:39,479 --> 00:56:41,272
Unfortunately,
there's never one around.
1468
00:56:41,273 --> 00:56:43,066
Your reputation precedes you.
1469
00:56:43,233 --> 00:56:45,944
Yeah, by about 11 inches.
Excuse me a second.
1470
00:56:48,488 --> 00:56:50,156
Any sign of Belushi?
1471
00:56:50,782 --> 00:56:51,825
John?
1472
00:56:51,991 --> 00:56:53,409
I believe he's in wardrobe. Why?
1473
00:56:53,576 --> 00:56:55,620
Legal is frantic
for his paperwork.
1474
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:57,056
That's strange.
I'll look into it.
1475
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:58,540
Lorne, I can only imagine...
1476
00:56:58,706 --> 00:57:00,291
what must be running
through your mind.
1477
00:57:00,458 --> 00:57:02,794
The thought,
no matter how improbable...
1478
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,629
that you might
not make it to air.
1479
00:57:04,796 --> 00:57:06,631
- Hadn't even occurred to me.
- Really?
1480
00:57:06,798 --> 00:57:09,843
I heard that you were having
some technical difficulties.
1481
00:57:10,009 --> 00:57:11,010
None that I know of.
1482
00:57:11,511 --> 00:57:12,512
What the fuck?
1483
00:57:12,679 --> 00:57:13,763
I just heard that...
1484
00:57:13,930 --> 00:57:15,515
your writers were stoned...
1485
00:57:15,682 --> 00:57:17,684
your actors were physically
assaulting each other.
1486
00:57:18,685 --> 00:57:19,769
The sound system was down.
1487
00:57:19,936 --> 00:57:21,205
What the hell
is happening? What...
1488
00:57:21,229 --> 00:57:22,563
And a fire broke out earlier.
1489
00:57:25,900 --> 00:57:28,611
I've been doing this job
a long time. I've seen it all.
1490
00:57:30,572 --> 00:57:32,782
I'm sure you have it
all under control.
1491
00:57:34,367 --> 00:57:36,161
Minor issues, already addressed.
1492
00:57:36,703 --> 00:57:37,704
That's reassuring.
1493
00:57:37,871 --> 00:57:40,165
This whole conversation
is a soothing shower of relief.
1494
00:57:40,331 --> 00:57:42,000
Hey, good, good. Look.
1495
00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,586
If for some reason
you can't lock your script...
1496
00:57:45,587 --> 00:57:48,423
or commit your cast
to legally binding contracts...
1497
00:57:48,590 --> 00:57:49,841
rest assured...
1498
00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:53,178
the country will be
happy to watch Johnny Carson.
1499
00:57:54,554 --> 00:57:57,056
Well, we could always play
the tape of dress rehearsal.
1500
00:57:57,223 --> 00:57:58,892
Worst-case scenario.
1501
00:58:00,143 --> 00:58:01,561
That's not the worst case.
1502
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:20,163
Fuck me.
That's a lot of cards.
1503
00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:23,017
Yeah. What's the fastest you can
do your set? Top to bottom.
1504
00:58:23,041 --> 00:58:24,241
- Five minutes.
- Yeah, me too.
1505
00:58:24,375 --> 00:58:25,855
- Could you do it in four?
- Probably.
1506
00:58:26,002 --> 00:58:27,003
Yeah, me too.
1507
00:58:28,796 --> 00:58:30,548
So, look,
they're gonna offer us three...
1508
00:58:31,132 --> 00:58:32,972
but we got to draw the line
at four. All right?
1509
00:58:33,468 --> 00:58:35,595
Okay. I want to do the show.
1510
00:58:35,762 --> 00:58:37,698
Yeah, we're doing the show.
We just can't get jerked around.
1511
00:58:37,722 --> 00:58:38,866
- That's all.
- But we're doing the show?
1512
00:58:38,890 --> 00:58:40,350
Of course, we're doing the show.
We just got to be
1513
00:58:40,351 --> 00:58:41,976
- in this together.
- Okay.
1514
00:58:43,645 --> 00:58:44,771
Neil, sweetie.
1515
00:58:44,938 --> 00:58:46,707
- Is everything okay in there?
- Hello?
1516
00:58:46,731 --> 00:58:48,983
Special delivery for Neil Levy.
Flowers.
1517
00:58:49,150 --> 00:58:50,544
- Candygram.
- What's with the convention?
1518
00:58:50,568 --> 00:58:52,153
Neil, it's your mother.
Open the door!
1519
00:58:52,320 --> 00:58:54,760
Don't say that. He's gonna
believe you if you say that.
1520
00:58:54,864 --> 00:58:57,242
Hey, Neil. Buddy.
You freaking out in there?
1521
00:58:57,408 --> 00:58:59,452
I took a hit
in the departure lounge.
1522
00:58:59,619 --> 00:59:01,246
All right. Whose grass was it?
1523
00:59:01,412 --> 00:59:02,830
One of the horn players.
1524
00:59:02,997 --> 00:59:04,082
Oh, degenerates.
1525
00:59:04,249 --> 00:59:05,917
That's a potent dragon
you're riding there, kid.
1526
00:59:05,918 --> 00:59:07,522
What you smoked
was a sacred strain from...
1527
00:59:07,523 --> 00:59:09,128
the Isaan plateau in Thailand,
I believe.
1528
00:59:09,129 --> 00:59:10,212
The best plateau.
1529
00:59:10,213 --> 00:59:11,296
Make no mistake about it,
1530
00:59:11,297 --> 00:59:13,382
that stick's probably stronger
than a bull elephant.
1531
00:59:13,383 --> 00:59:14,988
But, listen, we're all a little
freaked out so...
1532
00:59:14,989 --> 00:59:16,594
- I'm freaked out.
- Why don't you come out...
1533
00:59:16,595 --> 00:59:18,053
and we can check on your face...
1534
00:59:18,054 --> 00:59:19,304
make sure it's not
inside out, okay?
1535
00:59:19,305 --> 00:59:20,932
- Come on, Neil.
- Show us your face, Neil!
1536
00:59:20,933 --> 00:59:22,308
Come on, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
1537
00:59:22,309 --> 00:59:24,185
- Come on.
- Come on out, Neil.
1538
00:59:25,478 --> 00:59:27,230
Oh, God!
1539
00:59:27,897 --> 00:59:29,774
No. I'm just kidding. Look.
You're gonna be fine.
1540
00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,109
We'll fix you up
with some amphetamines.
1541
00:59:31,110 --> 00:59:32,192
You'll be fit as a flea.
1542
00:59:32,193 --> 00:59:33,798
You might even like the stuff.
Cocaine.
1543
00:59:33,799 --> 00:59:35,404
Robert Louis Stevenson
actually did
1544
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:36,906
some of his best writing
on the nose candy.
1545
00:59:36,907 --> 00:59:38,550
- Oh, Bobby.
- Not a lot of people know that.
1546
00:59:38,574 --> 00:59:39,741
Yeah, he was a big freak...
1547
00:59:39,742 --> 00:59:40,827
- for the Peruvian Lady.
- Hey!
1548
00:59:40,828 --> 00:59:41,910
We need everyone in togas!
1549
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:43,788
Everyone down
to the eighth floor now!
1550
00:59:48,001 --> 00:59:49,585
I'm not in a toga!
1551
01:00:03,474 --> 01:00:06,144
Okay, okay.
But why are we yelling?
1552
01:00:08,730 --> 01:00:11,250
Rocky, there's no way these
kids are gonna hit their marks.
1553
01:00:11,274 --> 01:00:13,943
So you better be wide enough
to catch 'em all. We got that?
1554
01:00:14,110 --> 01:00:16,230
Hey, did Rosie tell you
what she wants for her credit?
1555
01:00:16,779 --> 01:00:18,488
Oh. Uh...
1556
01:00:18,489 --> 01:00:20,700
She was of two minds...
1557
01:00:24,203 --> 01:00:26,403
What is this? Why are you
cueing up Carson? Who is that?
1558
01:00:26,581 --> 01:00:27,915
I think that's Tony Curtis.
1559
01:00:28,082 --> 01:00:30,402
That's pretty normal right
before a live show, right, Dave?
1560
01:00:30,501 --> 01:00:32,462
Yeah. If anything goes wrong,
we bump to tape.
1561
01:00:32,628 --> 01:00:33,755
- See?
- Right.
1562
01:00:33,921 --> 01:00:35,601
Lorne! Lorne.
We found a lighting director.
1563
01:00:35,923 --> 01:00:36,924
Great. Go get him.
1564
01:00:37,091 --> 01:00:38,634
No, he's lighting
a show right now.
1565
01:00:38,635 --> 01:00:40,011
This will take some massaging.
1566
01:00:40,178 --> 01:00:41,179
We don't have...
1567
01:00:43,097 --> 01:00:44,098
What floor?
1568
01:00:45,016 --> 01:00:47,518
It's down on the sixth floor.
Some variety show.
1569
01:00:47,685 --> 01:00:49,562
- And he knows I'm coming?
- Uh...
1570
01:00:50,855 --> 01:00:53,295
- Say, Lorne. This a bad time?
- Perfect time, Garrett.
1571
01:00:53,399 --> 01:00:54,901
Okay, I've been thinkin'.
1572
01:00:55,068 --> 01:00:57,111
Why did you hire me?
1573
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,341
You were cheap.
1574
01:00:58,342 --> 01:00:59,405
Really?
1575
01:00:59,572 --> 01:01:01,115
I'm being ironical, Garrett.
1576
01:01:01,949 --> 01:01:02,950
The fuck?
1577
01:01:07,205 --> 01:01:08,206
Hey, Garrett.
1578
01:01:08,831 --> 01:01:09,832
What's wrong?
1579
01:01:10,124 --> 01:01:12,293
Nothin'. I'm just...
1580
01:01:13,252 --> 01:01:15,338
Just trying to figure out
exactly what it is
1581
01:01:15,339 --> 01:01:16,547
I am doing here.
1582
01:01:16,714 --> 01:01:17,965
Aw, what do you mean?
1583
01:01:18,383 --> 01:01:19,634
You know...
1584
01:01:19,801 --> 01:01:22,512
I just can't help but feeling
a little bit like an outsider.
1585
01:01:22,678 --> 01:01:24,097
Because you're so much older?
1586
01:01:24,263 --> 01:01:25,264
What?
1587
01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,267
I went to Juilliard.
1588
01:01:28,684 --> 01:01:30,645
I've been on Broadway.
I'm a published playwright.
1589
01:01:30,812 --> 01:01:34,399
Man, they got me buzzin' around
here in a goddamn bee suit...
1590
01:01:34,565 --> 01:01:36,585
and wavin' a gun around
like I'm some kind of hoodlum.
1591
01:01:36,609 --> 01:01:38,653
These are not my strengths, man.
1592
01:01:38,820 --> 01:01:40,780
I am being under-utilized...
1593
01:01:40,947 --> 01:01:42,073
which makes me ponder...
1594
01:01:42,240 --> 01:01:44,242
what am I doing here?
1595
01:01:44,992 --> 01:01:46,352
You know how many operas
I've done?
1596
01:01:46,619 --> 01:01:48,079
- I have no idea, Garrett.
- Shit...
1597
01:01:48,246 --> 01:01:49,890
while Danny and Laraine
were eatin' Froot Loops...
1598
01:01:49,914 --> 01:01:54,627
I was performing
La Traviata in Italian.
1599
01:01:54,794 --> 01:01:55,795
Ya dig?
1600
01:01:55,962 --> 01:01:58,172
Of course, I dig, Garrett.
1601
01:01:58,923 --> 01:01:59,923
But, uh...
1602
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:03,219
no one is saying
you can't sing on the show.
1603
01:02:03,386 --> 01:02:04,387
Right?
1604
01:02:11,144 --> 01:02:12,186
Where's the Rumpus room?
1605
01:02:12,353 --> 01:02:14,897
♪ Down on the right ♪
1606
01:02:17,692 --> 01:02:19,277
Oh. Whoa. Pardon me.
1607
01:02:27,118 --> 01:02:29,454
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- And three, two...
1608
01:02:37,628 --> 01:02:41,215
And we...
Seven, eight, and blocking!
1609
01:02:42,592 --> 01:02:45,678
Five, six... Uh-oh!
1610
01:02:46,262 --> 01:02:47,263
Smile!
1611
01:03:32,767 --> 01:03:34,977
Hey! You little fucker.
1612
01:03:35,561 --> 01:03:37,104
Get your head out of your ass.
1613
01:03:37,271 --> 01:03:40,191
Prep the cupcake lights
and bring up the glitter, Carl.
1614
01:03:41,108 --> 01:03:42,109
Carl?
1615
01:03:42,777 --> 01:03:43,903
I have a job offer.
1616
01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:46,989
Comes with no guarantees,
no perks, and no weekends.
1617
01:03:48,533 --> 01:03:49,534
How's the pay?
1618
01:03:51,285 --> 01:03:52,537
That's the worst part.
1619
01:03:57,083 --> 01:03:58,084
What the fuck?
1620
01:03:58,251 --> 01:03:59,436
- When do you start?
- Right now.
1621
01:03:59,460 --> 01:04:02,380
Send me a postcard from
the gutter, you little shit.
1622
01:04:14,225 --> 01:04:15,309
Rosie, you seen Jackie?
1623
01:04:15,476 --> 01:04:16,852
No. Sorry.
1624
01:04:17,019 --> 01:04:18,563
Knock, knock.
1625
01:04:19,105 --> 01:04:21,232
- Hi.
- Hi, stud. Can I see?
1626
01:04:21,399 --> 01:04:22,775
Can you get Chevy
to do this one?
1627
01:04:22,942 --> 01:04:24,986
No way. You look so sexy.
1628
01:04:25,152 --> 01:04:27,446
Hey. These can't be
the right size.
1629
01:04:27,613 --> 01:04:29,813
Yeah, you're right. They should
be a little bit smaller.
1630
01:04:30,700 --> 01:04:32,220
This feels like
it's a lot of leg.
1631
01:04:32,285 --> 01:04:33,578
You kidding, hot stuff?
1632
01:04:33,744 --> 01:04:34,912
You're gonna melt
every TV in America.
1633
01:04:34,913 --> 01:04:36,330
- Oh, yeah?
- Uh, yeah.
1634
01:04:36,331 --> 01:04:37,747
You know, ma'am, you are dealing
1635
01:04:37,748 --> 01:04:39,083
with a fully-qualified
male strumpet here.
1636
01:04:39,084 --> 01:04:40,166
Oh. Male?
1637
01:04:40,167 --> 01:04:41,418
I've actually got
a work order...
1638
01:04:41,419 --> 01:04:45,006
stating I should be
rogering you roundly right now!
1639
01:04:45,172 --> 01:04:46,591
Hey, have you guys seen John?
1640
01:04:47,425 --> 01:04:49,885
No, I haven't seen him. Danny?
1641
01:04:50,052 --> 01:04:51,512
- Have you seen John?
- Yeah? John.
1642
01:04:51,679 --> 01:04:54,599
Well, John's an anarchist
and an Illinois alpha male.
1643
01:04:55,266 --> 01:04:56,350
What does that mean?
1644
01:04:56,767 --> 01:04:58,497
Oh. Uh, well,
see, boss, you and I,
1645
01:04:58,498 --> 01:05:00,229
if we were
to enter this space...
1646
01:05:00,396 --> 01:05:02,231
we'd be like
15th century peasants
1647
01:05:02,232 --> 01:05:03,356
walking into the Vatican...
1648
01:05:03,357 --> 01:05:05,067
but Belushi's
a whole other animal.
1649
01:05:05,234 --> 01:05:06,986
He's a skeptic and a sinner.
1650
01:05:07,153 --> 01:05:08,613
I'd give O'Houlihans a recce.
1651
01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:10,615
- He's at the bar next door.
- Ah.
1652
01:05:10,948 --> 01:05:13,909
Um, Barbara's still asking
about your credit on the show.
1653
01:05:14,076 --> 01:05:15,119
Whatever you think.
1654
01:05:15,286 --> 01:05:16,495
It's your name, Rose.
1655
01:05:18,539 --> 01:05:19,665
Has he only gotten that far?
1656
01:05:20,082 --> 01:05:22,418
We'd like to help,
but we're rootin' for the guy.
1657
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,211
Well, at least
your heart's in it.
1658
01:05:24,378 --> 01:05:26,047
Hey, you seen Jacqueline,
my fiancée?
1659
01:05:26,213 --> 01:05:27,882
No, I haven't seen shit!
1660
01:05:28,633 --> 01:05:30,551
Ladies, have you seen Jackie?
1661
01:05:30,718 --> 01:05:31,862
- No. Sorry.
- All right, change of plans.
1662
01:05:31,886 --> 01:05:33,178
We're skippin' Ancient Greece
1663
01:05:33,179 --> 01:05:34,972
and we're movin'
into the break room.
1664
01:05:35,139 --> 01:05:36,408
Ladies, I need you
in your hard hats.
1665
01:05:36,432 --> 01:05:37,909
Okay? Right now. Come on.
1666
01:05:37,933 --> 01:05:40,061
I don't want to change.
1667
01:05:40,227 --> 01:05:41,812
Are we good? Is he all right?
1668
01:05:41,979 --> 01:05:43,688
Yeah. Yeah. Danny, I mean...
1669
01:05:43,689 --> 01:05:45,252
whatever's going on
between you and me
1670
01:05:45,253 --> 01:05:46,817
is the last thing
on his mind right now.
1671
01:05:46,984 --> 01:05:49,144
So the man doesn't wrestle
with the green-eyed monster?
1672
01:05:49,195 --> 01:05:51,113
Hardly. I mean, look,
I've known Lorne
1673
01:05:51,114 --> 01:05:52,782
since I had toilet paper tits.
1674
01:05:53,616 --> 01:05:55,242
One day, he just followed me
home from school
1675
01:05:55,243 --> 01:05:57,035
- and I never shook him.
- Pretty sure
1676
01:05:57,036 --> 01:05:58,746
- you can be arrested for that.
- Look out, Rosie!
1677
01:05:58,747 --> 01:06:00,081
Sorry, Moose.
1678
01:06:00,956 --> 01:06:02,207
Anyways, I don't know,
1679
01:06:02,208 --> 01:06:04,877
Lorne lost his dad
when he was 14...
1680
01:06:05,044 --> 01:06:06,629
and his mom sold everything...
1681
01:06:06,796 --> 01:06:09,215
and so he spent a whole year
without furniture.
1682
01:06:09,382 --> 01:06:10,966
So when I first met him,
I thought...
1683
01:06:11,133 --> 01:06:14,804
he's just a stray looking for
a spare piece of carpet...
1684
01:06:15,513 --> 01:06:17,223
like, he wants to be
a part of my family...
1685
01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:19,892
and I'm the kid sister
or something.
1686
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,645
But then, hormones.
1687
01:06:22,812 --> 01:06:24,772
Turns out,
I'm not the kid sister...
1688
01:06:25,272 --> 01:06:28,442
and so we start dating
and I think...
1689
01:06:29,151 --> 01:06:31,987
"Okay, he wants to build
a family with me."
1690
01:06:32,405 --> 01:06:34,699
And we get married,
we buy a house.
1691
01:06:34,865 --> 01:06:36,785
I mean, no ring.
I think those are pretty stupid.
1692
01:06:36,909 --> 01:06:39,245
But linens and china.
1693
01:06:40,621 --> 01:06:43,124
And then it turns out...
1694
01:06:43,290 --> 01:06:45,626
I'm not the kid sister
or the wife.
1695
01:06:46,252 --> 01:06:47,253
So who are ya?
1696
01:06:47,712 --> 01:06:49,004
I'm the writer.
1697
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:51,215
All right,
rehearsal's moments away.
1698
01:06:51,382 --> 01:06:52,717
And who's he?
1699
01:06:52,883 --> 01:06:55,510
We take you now
to Ancient Greece.
1700
01:06:55,511 --> 01:06:57,012
Not yet, Don.
It's the wrong sketch, buddy.
1701
01:06:57,013 --> 01:06:58,472
Can I get you
behind the lockers?
1702
01:06:58,639 --> 01:06:59,974
Yeah.
1703
01:07:01,434 --> 01:07:02,977
And try sitting like men.
1704
01:07:03,477 --> 01:07:04,597
- Oh, yeah.
- Perfect.
1705
01:07:04,645 --> 01:07:06,856
Okay. Hair and makeup, clear.
1706
01:07:07,148 --> 01:07:08,274
Clearing.
1707
01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:10,109
Please get the fuck out.
Thank you.
1708
01:07:10,276 --> 01:07:11,860
Okay, and action!
1709
01:07:14,238 --> 01:07:17,241
Now that you've mastered
all the technical know-how...
1710
01:07:17,408 --> 01:07:20,578
I think it's time
we work on your sidewalk skills.
1711
01:07:20,745 --> 01:07:21,871
All right.
1712
01:07:22,371 --> 01:07:24,665
Daniel over here
has kindly offered...
1713
01:07:24,832 --> 01:07:27,918
to aid us
in a live demonstration.
1714
01:07:28,085 --> 01:07:29,754
Come on out, Danny.
1715
01:07:30,921 --> 01:07:32,381
Danny, enter.
1716
01:07:36,427 --> 01:07:38,428
No, you got
to take off the robe.
1717
01:07:38,429 --> 01:07:40,222
I can lose it on the day.
I figured I'd rehearse with...
1718
01:07:40,223 --> 01:07:42,141
No. You can lose
the robe right now.
1719
01:07:48,355 --> 01:07:49,857
The shorts are too short.
1720
01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:53,923
Now, when
a little piece-a heaven
1721
01:07:53,924 --> 01:07:56,363
- like Danny walks by...
- Now strut.
1722
01:07:57,615 --> 01:07:59,074
- Here's how you make him feel...
- Right.
1723
01:07:59,075 --> 01:08:00,284
Right at home.
1724
01:08:01,243 --> 01:08:04,163
Voom, va-va voom! Va-va voom!
1725
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:05,915
Show him how to do it, Gilda!
1726
01:08:06,165 --> 01:08:07,365
- Yeah!
- Come on, Jane.
1727
01:08:07,458 --> 01:08:09,210
- Give it to him.
- All right.
1728
01:08:10,377 --> 01:08:11,587
Hey, dreamboat.
1729
01:08:12,129 --> 01:08:14,965
What's the matter? Why don't
you give me a little twirl?
1730
01:08:15,132 --> 01:08:18,135
Show me
what you're workin' with.
1731
01:08:21,597 --> 01:08:23,037
Okay, give it to him, Laraine.
1732
01:08:27,228 --> 01:08:29,855
Hey, stud muffins, want to
make bouncy bouncy?
1733
01:08:31,273 --> 01:08:32,399
Are we still doing the scene?
Or...
1734
01:08:32,400 --> 01:08:33,609
What are ya talkin' to her for?
1735
01:08:33,610 --> 01:08:34,881
You're talkin' to me,
joy chunks.
1736
01:08:34,882 --> 01:08:36,153
Stay in character, please.
1737
01:08:36,320 --> 01:08:38,072
- Hey.
- Come on, baby.
1738
01:08:38,239 --> 01:08:40,032
Ya dropped somethin'.
1739
01:08:40,033 --> 01:08:41,659
Whoa!
1740
01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:44,260
Well, I guess
I should just pick this up.
1741
01:08:50,125 --> 01:08:51,836
All right, all right. All right.
1742
01:08:52,002 --> 01:08:53,002
They are so cute
1743
01:08:53,003 --> 01:08:54,547
- when they're mad!
- All right, thank you.
1744
01:08:54,548 --> 01:08:55,965
Okay, cut.
1745
01:08:58,384 --> 01:09:00,010
The shorts are too short.
I told ya.
1746
01:09:00,761 --> 01:09:03,556
Here you go.
It was a great scene.
1747
01:09:04,056 --> 01:09:05,096
- Yeah, strumpet.
- Thanks.
1748
01:09:05,224 --> 01:09:06,892
All right, and we're movin' on.
1749
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:08,060
Great rehearsal. Here we go.
1750
01:09:08,227 --> 01:09:10,896
We take you now
to Ancient Greece...
1751
01:09:11,063 --> 01:09:12,439
as Alexander the Great...
1752
01:09:12,606 --> 01:09:15,025
attends his ten-year
high school reunion.
1753
01:09:15,192 --> 01:09:16,777
Hey, boys, have you seen Jackie?
1754
01:09:18,362 --> 01:09:19,442
Gentlemen, you seen Jackie?
1755
01:09:22,616 --> 01:09:24,201
Look at that.
My goodness.
1756
01:09:24,368 --> 01:09:25,786
Hey, hon.
They need us in Athens.
1757
01:09:25,953 --> 01:09:27,153
Jesus, who's this guy?
1758
01:09:27,204 --> 01:09:28,706
Chevy, Milton taped
a show here...
1759
01:09:28,873 --> 01:09:31,208
- back in 1956, isn't that neat?
- Ooh!
1760
01:09:31,375 --> 01:09:32,418
She's taken.
1761
01:09:32,585 --> 01:09:34,461
What hours? I'll take
the rest of the evening.
1762
01:09:34,628 --> 01:09:35,981
- Excuse me?
- He's kidding.
1763
01:09:36,005 --> 01:09:37,089
Yeah, buddy, I'm kidding.
1764
01:09:37,256 --> 01:09:38,257
Oh, that's cute.
1765
01:09:38,424 --> 01:09:39,967
I remember
when you used to do comedy.
1766
01:09:40,134 --> 01:09:41,552
Funny, 'cause I never
heard of you.
1767
01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:43,345
That's probably the Alzheimer's.
1768
01:09:44,179 --> 01:09:46,076
What's the matter,
did you wander off
1769
01:09:46,077 --> 01:09:47,975
onto an actual TV set?
1770
01:09:48,434 --> 01:09:49,559
Hey, darling, you're sitting
1771
01:09:49,560 --> 01:09:51,353
in front of the Ghost
of Television Past.
1772
01:09:51,520 --> 01:09:52,521
This old man...
1773
01:09:52,688 --> 01:09:54,528
he used to be an institution.
Now he needs one.
1774
01:09:56,358 --> 01:09:58,235
If you want my comeback,
you're gonna have to scrape it
1775
01:09:58,236 --> 01:10:00,070
off the back
of your mom's teeth.
1776
01:10:00,237 --> 01:10:01,405
Jesus.
1777
01:10:03,198 --> 01:10:04,303
You're gonna laugh at that?
1778
01:10:04,304 --> 01:10:05,409
Listen, sweetheart.
1779
01:10:05,576 --> 01:10:07,369
There's plenty more
where that came from.
1780
01:10:08,829 --> 01:10:09,830
God.
1781
01:10:11,457 --> 01:10:12,457
Oh.
1782
01:10:12,875 --> 01:10:14,293
Do I have your attention?
1783
01:10:20,215 --> 01:10:21,987
I have two stars
on the Walk of Fame.
1784
01:10:21,988 --> 01:10:23,761
- Oh.
- Oh, yeah. Who gives a shit?
1785
01:10:23,762 --> 01:10:24,802
Hmm.
1786
01:10:24,803 --> 01:10:26,013
I once held 97%...
1787
01:10:26,180 --> 01:10:28,599
of America's television
viewing audience.
1788
01:10:30,893 --> 01:10:32,478
That's not
what they're gonna remember.
1789
01:10:33,479 --> 01:10:35,689
They're gonna remember
Mr. Television.
1790
01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,108
Their Uncle Miltie.
1791
01:10:40,069 --> 01:10:41,362
Who the fuck are you, kid?
1792
01:10:43,113 --> 01:10:44,198
You're not a star.
1793
01:10:46,075 --> 01:10:48,077
You're barely
in the fucking building.
1794
01:10:51,580 --> 01:10:53,165
You're not even a swingin' dick.
1795
01:10:56,210 --> 01:10:57,795
Call me after he's done crying.
1796
01:10:57,962 --> 01:11:00,339
Are you shitting me?
1797
01:11:00,506 --> 01:11:02,091
Are you shitting me
with this costume?
1798
01:11:02,257 --> 01:11:03,257
Can you make a path?
1799
01:11:03,258 --> 01:11:04,969
There's an actual comedian
coming through.
1800
01:11:05,135 --> 01:11:06,595
Wow. Look at these columns.
1801
01:11:06,762 --> 01:11:08,347
I feel transported. Oh!
1802
01:11:08,931 --> 01:11:10,641
Hey, George. How can I help?
1803
01:11:11,225 --> 01:11:13,185
So, what is this?
1804
01:11:13,352 --> 01:11:15,896
Why am I dressed like a fuckin'
towel boy from Caesar's?
1805
01:11:16,063 --> 01:11:18,399
Well, I believe you're
Alexander the Great at his...
1806
01:11:18,565 --> 01:11:20,025
Ten-year high school reunion.
1807
01:11:20,192 --> 01:11:21,272
- Thank you, Don.
- Exactly.
1808
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:22,671
So, when Chevy asks
what you've been up to...
1809
01:11:22,695 --> 01:11:23,946
your response is, "You know..."
1810
01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:26,615
"Mostly conquering
the known universe."
1811
01:11:27,741 --> 01:11:29,492
Right.
And this is for television.
1812
01:11:29,493 --> 01:11:31,013
- Right.
- What's your concern, George?
1813
01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:32,287
My real concern is
why I let my agent
1814
01:11:32,288 --> 01:11:33,371
convince me to do your show.
1815
01:11:33,372 --> 01:11:34,599
Do you need some help
with the script?
1816
01:11:34,623 --> 01:11:36,291
I'd just love to know
where the humor is.
1817
01:11:36,458 --> 01:11:38,419
It's like a Spruce Goose.
It's a lot of wood, no lift off.
1818
01:11:38,420 --> 01:11:39,545
Well, we can rewrite.
I mean, we have...
1819
01:11:39,546 --> 01:11:40,628
Is that right?
1820
01:11:40,629 --> 01:11:41,797
- Jesus Christ.
- Great.
1821
01:11:41,964 --> 01:11:43,527
- We could find...
- No, no, no. George, I hear you.
1822
01:11:43,528 --> 01:11:45,092
- We want to make it work.
- I think I understand
1823
01:11:45,093 --> 01:11:46,927
the reason
you might be struggling.
1824
01:11:47,636 --> 01:11:49,013
You see, these are scenes.
1825
01:11:49,179 --> 01:11:50,179
Well, sketches.
1826
01:11:50,180 --> 01:11:52,057
- They revolve around acting.
- Michael...
1827
01:11:52,224 --> 01:11:53,224
And that must feel foreign
1828
01:11:53,225 --> 01:11:54,684
when you're
a ponytailed vulture...
1829
01:11:54,685 --> 01:11:56,165
feeding off the corpse
of Lenny Bruce.
1830
01:12:01,984 --> 01:12:03,736
It's okay. He's right.
You're right.
1831
01:12:07,448 --> 01:12:09,074
Because I wouldn't want
to make these skits
1832
01:12:09,075 --> 01:12:10,993
any worse
than they actually are.
1833
01:12:11,452 --> 01:12:14,496
It's a great thing
no one will be watching.
1834
01:12:14,663 --> 01:12:16,832
Enjoy your fucking
little circle jerk.
1835
01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:18,959
- We already are.
- Oh, your mom's here?
1836
01:12:23,047 --> 01:12:24,298
Well, he's in character.
1837
01:12:47,529 --> 01:12:48,530
It's shit.
1838
01:13:05,798 --> 01:13:07,132
Lorne, Lorne.
1839
01:13:07,966 --> 01:13:08,967
Lorne.
1840
01:13:09,635 --> 01:13:10,719
Lorne, great news.
1841
01:13:10,886 --> 01:13:12,888
We figured it out. Ready?
1842
01:13:18,477 --> 01:13:19,478
Ta-da.
1843
01:13:20,187 --> 01:13:22,231
- We cut the toga sketch.
- Oh.
1844
01:13:22,898 --> 01:13:24,618
Even without Alexander,
we're still 30 over.
1845
01:13:24,691 --> 01:13:26,777
Maybe we don't need
four musical performances?
1846
01:13:26,944 --> 01:13:28,963
Or maybe we could trim
one of the Carlin monologues.
1847
01:13:28,987 --> 01:13:29,988
Okay.
1848
01:13:37,371 --> 01:13:38,956
What about now?
Are we under now?
1849
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,562
We can make it work.
1850
01:13:46,880 --> 01:13:48,090
Hey, hey, Lorne, Lorne.
1851
01:13:48,257 --> 01:13:51,510
Look, I know it's probably
a bad time and all, but, um...
1852
01:13:52,469 --> 01:13:53,470
but Valri and I
have been talking...
1853
01:13:53,471 --> 01:13:54,554
Yeah.
1854
01:13:54,555 --> 01:13:56,640
And we can't accept anything
less than four minutes a piece.
1855
01:13:56,641 --> 01:13:58,493
So, that's four minutes for me,
four minutes for Valri.
1856
01:13:58,517 --> 01:13:59,726
Look, we've just been...
1857
01:14:00,144 --> 01:14:01,686
working too hard on our material
1858
01:14:01,687 --> 01:14:03,230
to accept
anything less so it's...
1859
01:14:03,939 --> 01:14:05,065
four minutes or nothin'.
1860
01:14:05,315 --> 01:14:06,733
Well, I need two minutes.
1861
01:14:07,109 --> 01:14:08,485
You need me
to cut two minutes of my sketch?
1862
01:14:08,486 --> 01:14:09,569
I could do that, Lorne.
1863
01:14:09,570 --> 01:14:11,256
I mean, that's six minutes only,
you know. I can make that...
1864
01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:12,640
No, I need two minutes
of material.
1865
01:14:13,323 --> 01:14:14,443
It's two minutes or nothing.
1866
01:14:14,825 --> 01:14:16,076
Is this for real? 'Cause...
1867
01:14:16,827 --> 01:14:18,578
Okay, I killed at dress, right?
1868
01:14:18,579 --> 01:14:19,997
I'm the only good act
that killed at dress.
1869
01:14:19,998 --> 01:14:21,080
I can do the show, so...
1870
01:14:21,081 --> 01:14:22,517
Billy, can you make it work
in two minutes?
1871
01:14:22,541 --> 01:14:24,894
- I can't even set it up in two.
- Then I don't know what to say.
1872
01:14:24,918 --> 01:14:26,086
I'm sorry it didn't work out.
1873
01:14:26,545 --> 01:14:27,546
Can you make it in two?
1874
01:14:28,547 --> 01:14:29,882
- Yes.
- Great.
1875
01:14:37,598 --> 01:14:39,016
Lorne, Lorne.
1876
01:14:39,933 --> 01:14:40,933
Uh...
1877
01:14:42,227 --> 01:14:43,228
I was thinking...
1878
01:14:43,937 --> 01:14:45,147
why don't we punt?
1879
01:14:47,149 --> 01:14:49,860
Come back stronger next week,
debut with Paul Simon.
1880
01:14:50,277 --> 01:14:51,504
That's what
you've been thinking?
1881
01:14:51,528 --> 01:14:54,072
Listen, no one wants this show
to succeed more than I do.
1882
01:14:54,239 --> 01:14:55,240
Is that so?
1883
01:14:55,949 --> 01:14:57,993
I mean, yeah,
I hired you, Lorne.
1884
01:14:58,493 --> 01:15:00,054
I take it up the ass
from this network every day...
1885
01:15:00,078 --> 01:15:01,496
because I believe in this show.
1886
01:15:01,663 --> 01:15:03,808
And I'm telling you, we should
run the dress rehearsal...
1887
01:15:03,832 --> 01:15:05,417
and claw back a win
next Saturday.
1888
01:15:05,584 --> 01:15:06,960
It's in everyone's
best interest.
1889
01:15:06,961 --> 01:15:08,211
Mainly yours.
1890
01:15:08,212 --> 01:15:09,588
Sorry. Was that a threat?
1891
01:15:09,755 --> 01:15:11,590
No. What? No.
1892
01:15:11,965 --> 01:15:14,218
Lorne, all I'm trying to do
is give you advice.
1893
01:15:14,384 --> 01:15:15,552
25 minutes!
1894
01:15:16,887 --> 01:15:18,555
Thanks for the advice,
but we can't, Dick.
1895
01:15:18,556 --> 01:15:19,639
It's a live show.
1896
01:15:19,640 --> 01:15:20,723
No one's gonna know
the difference.
1897
01:15:20,724 --> 01:15:22,308
- We just can't.
- Lorne, you need to start
1898
01:15:22,309 --> 01:15:24,311
adjusting your concept of what
you can and cannot do.
1899
01:15:24,312 --> 01:15:25,896
We can't
because there is no tape.
1900
01:15:26,063 --> 01:15:27,773
I didn't record
the dress rehearsal.
1901
01:15:28,440 --> 01:15:30,150
So, we don't have
to argue about it.
1902
01:15:31,526 --> 01:15:32,527
You didn't what?
1903
01:15:33,028 --> 01:15:34,172
We just have to make it to air.
1904
01:15:34,196 --> 01:15:36,031
Lorne, I'm not gonna be able
to protect you.
1905
01:15:36,198 --> 01:15:38,659
- I'm used to that.
- Oh, screw you.
1906
01:15:38,825 --> 01:15:41,203
Do you know how much bullshit
never makes it to your ears?
1907
01:15:41,370 --> 01:15:42,704
Because I'm the wall they hit.
1908
01:15:42,871 --> 01:15:44,665
Tell that to your Polaroid rep.
She's cute.
1909
01:15:44,831 --> 01:15:46,832
I'm sorry you need
a sponsor for a show
1910
01:15:46,833 --> 01:15:48,835
that can't pull
a single advertiser.
1911
01:15:49,002 --> 01:15:50,762
You know they're giving out
the ads for free?
1912
01:15:50,921 --> 01:15:54,258
NBC is lucky to have something
as relevant as this show.
1913
01:15:54,259 --> 01:15:55,467
Lorne, they don't even want it.
1914
01:15:55,468 --> 01:15:56,676
That's logical, Dick. That's why
1915
01:15:56,677 --> 01:15:57,957
they're paying us all
to be here.
1916
01:16:01,682 --> 01:16:03,183
They want you to fail.
1917
01:16:03,600 --> 01:16:04,643
They're betting on it.
1918
01:16:04,644 --> 01:16:05,768
Really?
1919
01:16:05,769 --> 01:16:07,019
NBC makes more money
1920
01:16:07,020 --> 01:16:08,981
playing reruns
of The Tonight Show.
1921
01:16:09,147 --> 01:16:11,316
- So, why don't they?
- It's a contract dispute, Lorne.
1922
01:16:11,483 --> 01:16:13,235
I mean, they're trying
to prove to Johnny Carson
1923
01:16:13,236 --> 01:16:14,820
that the reruns are inevitable.
1924
01:16:14,987 --> 01:16:18,031
So, they built a show
that was guaranteed to fail.
1925
01:16:18,198 --> 01:16:20,242
I mean, Lorne,
90 minutes of live television
1926
01:16:20,243 --> 01:16:21,576
by a group of 20-year-olds...
1927
01:16:21,743 --> 01:16:22,911
who've never made anything.
1928
01:16:23,161 --> 01:16:25,539
Do you ever stop and wonder
why they said yes?
1929
01:16:25,706 --> 01:16:28,625
A counterculture show
starring total unknowns...
1930
01:16:28,792 --> 01:16:31,253
with zero narrative
and even less structure?
1931
01:16:31,420 --> 01:16:33,547
Are you that fucking arrogant...
1932
01:16:34,006 --> 01:16:36,091
that you never
even questioned this?
1933
01:16:39,011 --> 01:16:40,554
Now, look, you want to know
what's gonna happen
1934
01:16:40,555 --> 01:16:42,431
at 11:30 tonight? Okay.
1935
01:16:43,015 --> 01:16:44,375
Your actors
will be on their marks.
1936
01:16:44,474 --> 01:16:46,226
Band's tuned up,
all ready to go.
1937
01:16:46,393 --> 01:16:47,996
Joe will be hollering out
the countdown...
1938
01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:49,372
and you'll be
in the control room...
1939
01:16:49,396 --> 01:16:51,716
and Dave Tebet will be standing
probably right next to you.
1940
01:16:51,857 --> 01:16:53,317
And when
those screens go black...
1941
01:16:53,483 --> 01:16:54,859
he will raise his big-ass,
1942
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:56,486
jeweled-up index finger
and say...
1943
01:16:56,653 --> 01:16:57,696
"Go to Carson."
1944
01:16:58,071 --> 01:16:59,406
And that will be that.
1945
01:17:00,782 --> 01:17:01,825
You blew it.
1946
01:17:06,288 --> 01:17:08,749
And listen,
I know you all make fun of me...
1947
01:17:08,915 --> 01:17:10,292
and my clothes behind my back.
1948
01:17:11,168 --> 01:17:13,170
But, Lorne, I'm killing myself
for this show.
1949
01:17:15,505 --> 01:17:17,007
Also, Polaroid is cool.
1950
01:17:37,527 --> 01:17:39,654
- Oh, shit! Lorne.
- It worked!
1951
01:17:45,160 --> 01:17:46,453
Nice work, fellas.
1952
01:17:47,704 --> 01:17:49,384
A little heavy on the flow,
but very funny.
1953
01:17:50,332 --> 01:17:51,333
Sorry about the clothes.
1954
01:17:51,500 --> 01:17:52,793
And your face.
1955
01:17:54,711 --> 01:17:59,132
Art is but a measure
of sacrifice and tears.
1956
01:18:00,634 --> 01:18:01,675
Not quite ready for tonight,
1957
01:18:01,676 --> 01:18:03,512
but I'll keep it
on a special list.
1958
01:18:05,305 --> 01:18:07,015
"Special list"?
1959
01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:21,905
Lobby.
1960
01:18:26,326 --> 01:18:27,994
This an okay time?
1961
01:18:29,037 --> 01:18:30,038
Ideal.
1962
01:18:30,372 --> 01:18:31,373
Look...
1963
01:18:33,125 --> 01:18:34,584
I know what people say...
1964
01:18:34,751 --> 01:18:37,629
when they see a man
with his arm up a Muppet.
1965
01:18:38,839 --> 01:18:39,839
But...
1966
01:18:40,173 --> 01:18:42,509
this isn't just kid's stuff.
1967
01:18:43,343 --> 01:18:45,220
I believe, deep in my heart...
1968
01:18:45,387 --> 01:18:48,598
that there is room
for high-stakes puppetry...
1969
01:18:48,765 --> 01:18:50,392
on grown-up TV.
1970
01:18:50,642 --> 01:18:53,645
And... I get the sense that...
1971
01:18:53,812 --> 01:18:55,981
some of the writers
on the 17th floor
1972
01:18:55,982 --> 01:18:57,941
don't share that dream.
1973
01:19:00,277 --> 01:19:02,028
You didn't like the pages?
1974
01:19:05,198 --> 01:19:06,616
There were no pages.
1975
01:19:07,451 --> 01:19:09,870
That's fair criticism.
1976
01:19:12,080 --> 01:19:13,290
Free show!
1977
01:19:13,874 --> 01:19:15,000
Free show, sir?
1978
01:19:15,792 --> 01:19:16,793
Free show.
1979
01:19:18,628 --> 01:19:20,714
Plenty of tickets left, guys.
Free show.
1980
01:19:21,131 --> 01:19:22,466
The night's still young.
1981
01:19:23,258 --> 01:19:24,342
Hey, man! How's it going?
1982
01:19:30,098 --> 01:19:32,142
Thank you. Long Island.
1983
01:19:32,601 --> 01:19:33,810
Massapequa Park.
1984
01:19:34,269 --> 01:19:35,270
Hello?
1985
01:20:05,967 --> 01:20:07,511
My family had trouble fittin' in
1986
01:20:07,512 --> 01:20:09,095
when they got to America.
1987
01:20:09,262 --> 01:20:10,721
Even though my great-grandfather
1988
01:20:10,722 --> 01:20:12,974
actually fought
in the Civil War...
1989
01:20:13,308 --> 01:20:15,226
he fought for the West.
1990
01:20:15,227 --> 01:20:17,479
- Jesus Christ.
- Okay.
1991
01:20:17,646 --> 01:20:19,564
This drunk,
he's in front of the bench.
1992
01:20:19,731 --> 01:20:22,025
The judge says, "Hey, we brought
you in for drinking."
1993
01:20:22,192 --> 01:20:24,236
And the drunk goes,
"Great. What are we havin'?"
1994
01:20:25,946 --> 01:20:29,366
That's not the punch line.
Jesus, fucking bullshit!
1995
01:20:29,533 --> 01:20:30,784
What's happening here?
1996
01:20:31,535 --> 01:20:34,955
I get paid seven bucks a joke,
if it gets a laugh. Which...
1997
01:20:35,330 --> 01:20:36,998
This putz is taking
bulletproof material
1998
01:20:36,999 --> 01:20:38,083
and filling it with lead.
1999
01:20:38,084 --> 01:20:39,291
You wrote his jokes?
2000
01:20:39,292 --> 01:20:41,419
Yeah. I wrote things
that vaguely resemble
2001
01:20:41,420 --> 01:20:42,754
the things that he's saying.
2002
01:20:43,463 --> 01:20:45,715
Why don't you just
perform them yourself?
2003
01:20:46,383 --> 01:20:48,426
Look at me. This is how much
I sweat off-stage.
2004
01:20:48,802 --> 01:20:50,595
I get home from work
the other night...
2005
01:20:50,971 --> 01:20:53,557
I see my wife in bed
with my best friend.
2006
01:20:53,723 --> 01:20:56,560
I say to him, I go,
"I have to, but you?"
2007
01:20:56,726 --> 01:20:58,486
- Oh, my God.
- How many do you have in here?
2008
01:20:58,603 --> 01:21:01,106
About 1,100.
They're single-spaced.
2009
01:21:01,523 --> 01:21:03,000
Sorry, do you mind
if I go through them?
2010
01:21:03,024 --> 01:21:05,193
- Bring up the next comedian!
- Yeah. Go for it.
2011
01:21:05,360 --> 01:21:06,560
I'm sure you'll hate him, too.
2012
01:21:10,323 --> 01:21:11,324
Move.
2013
01:21:15,036 --> 01:21:17,372
God. That was fuckin' rough.
Shit crowd.
2014
01:21:17,539 --> 01:21:18,873
Yeah, that was it.
2015
01:21:20,542 --> 01:21:21,686
Hey, come on.
What's with the quarters?
2016
01:21:21,710 --> 01:21:24,796
Well, I changed the punch line
from 46 to 49...
2017
01:21:24,963 --> 01:21:26,798
for the line about the Buick.
2018
01:21:26,965 --> 01:21:28,165
Much bigger laugh, by the way.
2019
01:21:28,258 --> 01:21:30,510
So, that means
I only owe you $3.50.
2020
01:21:30,677 --> 01:21:31,678
You want a job?
2021
01:21:31,845 --> 01:21:32,971
That would be great.
2022
01:21:33,138 --> 01:21:34,778
I want a length of rope
and a sturdy beam.
2023
01:21:34,848 --> 01:21:36,766
How much do you need to live?
2024
01:21:36,933 --> 01:21:39,144
I make three bucks an hour
at my day job. Match it.
2025
01:21:39,311 --> 01:21:41,021
Tell him what you really do.
Tell him.
2026
01:21:41,187 --> 01:21:42,439
He's a deli boy.
2027
01:21:42,606 --> 01:21:45,233
Okay? He's a schmuck
in a little paper hat...
2028
01:21:45,234 --> 01:21:47,861
who slices the pastrami
behind the counter.
2029
01:21:47,862 --> 01:21:49,352
And he can barely do that.
2030
01:21:49,353 --> 01:21:50,844
Tell him what you did
to your finger.
2031
01:21:50,947 --> 01:21:52,532
You're hired. Lorne Michaels.
2032
01:21:52,699 --> 01:21:55,493
- Alan. Zweibel.
- Are you fucking kidding me?
2033
01:21:55,660 --> 01:21:57,179
You'd be better off
buying the pastrami.
2034
01:21:57,203 --> 01:21:58,204
Let's go.
2035
01:21:58,371 --> 01:21:59,581
Wait, what? When do we start?
2036
01:21:59,582 --> 01:22:01,916
Um... Jesus Christ.
2037
01:22:03,418 --> 01:22:05,503
You can't...
You better not leave.
2038
01:22:06,004 --> 01:22:07,547
This is not
gonna be good for you.
2039
01:22:07,548 --> 01:22:09,633
I was gonna take you to Reno.
2040
01:22:17,641 --> 01:22:19,017
Look at that form.
2041
01:22:19,684 --> 01:22:20,894
Beautiful.
2042
01:22:32,030 --> 01:22:33,823
You ever have nostalgia
for a moment
2043
01:22:33,824 --> 01:22:35,116
while you're still in it?
2044
01:22:37,494 --> 01:22:39,245
I mean, like...
2045
01:22:40,205 --> 01:22:42,248
You're in the moment,
but you're also...
2046
01:22:42,707 --> 01:22:44,709
looking back on it. Like...
2047
01:22:45,794 --> 01:22:48,463
Right now, I'm here,
but I'm also...
2048
01:22:48,963 --> 01:22:51,675
thinking about this moment
20 years from now.
2049
01:22:51,841 --> 01:22:53,426
We're walking by this ice rink.
2050
01:22:54,511 --> 01:22:55,762
Maybe it's Christmas...
2051
01:22:55,929 --> 01:22:58,973
and our kids are draggin' us
by our pinkies...
2052
01:22:59,432 --> 01:23:02,769
and we got presents loaded
on our shoulders...
2053
01:23:03,687 --> 01:23:05,605
and all we can think about
is this moment,
2054
01:23:05,606 --> 01:23:07,691
right before we went on TV.
2055
01:23:15,031 --> 01:23:16,408
You know, the NBC liability act
2056
01:23:16,409 --> 01:23:17,951
forbids you from ice skating.
2057
01:23:19,285 --> 01:23:20,286
I found John.
2058
01:23:20,453 --> 01:23:21,597
Oh, excellent work, Gilda.
2059
01:23:21,621 --> 01:23:23,665
Good thing
I didn't sign my contract.
2060
01:23:26,918 --> 01:23:28,128
What's the deal, John?
2061
01:23:30,046 --> 01:23:31,297
You on the show or not?
2062
01:23:36,219 --> 01:23:39,264
The one where I get to dress up
like a giant, grotesque bee?
2063
01:23:40,140 --> 01:23:42,267
I don't know.
Let me ask my childhood dreams.
2064
01:23:47,230 --> 01:23:49,023
I want to try a triple Axel.
2065
01:23:49,566 --> 01:23:51,192
Now we're talkin'.
2066
01:23:51,359 --> 01:23:52,819
How about a single Axel?
2067
01:23:53,236 --> 01:23:54,237
Nah.
2068
01:23:55,113 --> 01:23:57,407
I figure I can either pull off
the triple...
2069
01:23:58,825 --> 01:23:59,909
or die trying.
2070
01:24:01,035 --> 01:24:02,245
Those are the options?
2071
01:24:11,129 --> 01:24:13,757
Okay, John. I... I...
2072
01:24:13,758 --> 01:24:15,300
I support it.
2073
01:24:22,682 --> 01:24:23,683
Oh, God.
2074
01:24:35,862 --> 01:24:37,697
- He's gonna break something.
- Oh, God.
2075
01:24:40,992 --> 01:24:42,076
- Oh, fuck!
- Shit. John!
2076
01:24:42,077 --> 01:24:43,161
John?
2077
01:24:43,578 --> 01:24:44,954
- John!
- Fuck!
2078
01:24:45,121 --> 01:24:46,122
Are you okay?
2079
01:24:50,710 --> 01:24:52,253
You all right? I yield.
2080
01:24:53,588 --> 01:24:55,131
I accept your surrender.
2081
01:24:55,298 --> 01:24:57,675
Do you want me to help you up?
2082
01:24:57,842 --> 01:24:58,843
No.
2083
01:24:59,928 --> 01:25:01,763
I'm just gonna lie here
for a minute.
2084
01:25:03,431 --> 01:25:05,350
Okay, sure. Yeah.
2085
01:25:06,142 --> 01:25:07,769
We have all the time
in the world.
2086
01:25:13,024 --> 01:25:15,068
Who is that asshole, anyway?
2087
01:25:16,319 --> 01:25:17,695
It's Prometheus.
2088
01:25:18,780 --> 01:25:20,549
He stole fire
from the cauldron of the gods...
2089
01:25:20,573 --> 01:25:23,535
gave it to man, so we could
have science and the arts.
2090
01:25:27,455 --> 01:25:29,040
All right.
I'm gonna head back up.
2091
01:25:30,250 --> 01:25:31,960
We have a show to put on...
2092
01:25:32,126 --> 01:25:34,087
and I'd like to be there
when I get fired.
2093
01:25:35,880 --> 01:25:37,320
I'd hope to see you there,
too, John.
2094
01:25:58,695 --> 01:25:59,737
- Hey!
- Hey.
2095
01:25:59,904 --> 01:26:01,824
Heard you needed a quick change
for the last act?
2096
01:26:01,906 --> 01:26:02,907
Thank you.
2097
01:26:10,582 --> 01:26:12,059
What should I say
when I get up there?
2098
01:26:12,083 --> 01:26:13,683
- How should I know?
- You're the writer.
2099
01:26:13,793 --> 01:26:15,273
- You're the talker.
- I'm the talker?
2100
01:26:15,378 --> 01:26:17,422
Yeah, you talk the peel
off a grape.
2101
01:26:18,506 --> 01:26:19,507
That was funny.
2102
01:26:27,515 --> 01:26:28,557
Rose, I won't be offended
2103
01:26:28,558 --> 01:26:30,184
if you don't want to use
my last name.
2104
01:26:30,935 --> 01:26:32,979
It's not your last name,
Lipowitz.
2105
01:26:37,233 --> 01:26:38,275
Whoa!
2106
01:26:38,276 --> 01:26:39,652
Check it out! Full house, right?
2107
01:26:39,819 --> 01:26:40,820
What did you tell them?
2108
01:26:40,987 --> 01:26:42,196
Well, I kind of
had to lie a little bit,
2109
01:26:42,197 --> 01:26:43,397
but the vibes are really good.
2110
01:26:43,448 --> 01:26:45,032
Can we start to let them in?
2111
01:26:45,033 --> 01:26:46,618
- Uh... Almost.
- All right.
2112
01:26:46,784 --> 01:26:48,369
Five minutes, guys.
10 minutes tops.
2113
01:26:48,370 --> 01:26:49,829
Let's keep these vibes going!
2114
01:26:56,169 --> 01:26:57,670
- Adequate?
- Adequate.
2115
01:27:01,674 --> 01:27:04,074
- Can you imagine being first up?
- Opening the show and all.
2116
01:27:04,218 --> 01:27:05,362
Millions of people
trying to decide...
2117
01:27:05,386 --> 01:27:07,555
How they want to spend
their Saturday night.
2118
01:27:07,722 --> 01:27:09,807
What's the first thing they see?
No logo, no intro.
2119
01:27:09,808 --> 01:27:11,225
Nope. Just a close up
of your pretty face.
2120
01:27:11,226 --> 01:27:12,476
- Nah.
- Nah. Who gives a fuck, right?
2121
01:27:12,477 --> 01:27:13,728
Yeah. It's just
a bunch of animals
2122
01:27:13,729 --> 01:27:14,812
watching their lava lamps.
2123
01:27:14,813 --> 01:27:15,896
You're gonna do great.
2124
01:27:15,897 --> 01:27:16,980
- Yeah.
- Fuck off.
2125
01:27:16,981 --> 01:27:18,861
- We're pullin' for you.
- Break a leg!
2126
01:27:21,152 --> 01:27:23,488
You the writer
Lorne found in a bar?
2127
01:27:24,238 --> 01:27:25,698
That's a slightly romantic read
of the story,
2128
01:27:25,699 --> 01:27:26,866
but, yeah, I guess so.
2129
01:27:27,033 --> 01:27:29,410
All right. Well, jump on in.
Water's warm.
2130
01:27:29,577 --> 01:27:30,578
Okay.
2131
01:27:30,745 --> 01:27:32,288
Okay. Quiet, please!
2132
01:27:32,455 --> 01:27:35,291
Work stops now.
We're holding for a sound check.
2133
01:27:35,458 --> 01:27:36,602
Who wants to do the sound check?
2134
01:27:36,626 --> 01:27:38,586
Garrett! Don't you know a song?
2135
01:27:39,712 --> 01:27:40,712
Hmm?
2136
01:27:44,759 --> 01:27:46,511
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2137
01:27:49,222 --> 01:27:54,227
♪ I'm ♪
2138
01:27:54,394 --> 01:27:56,646
♪ Gonna ♪
2139
01:27:57,230 --> 01:28:00,400
♪ Get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2140
01:28:00,775 --> 01:28:04,487
♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2141
01:28:04,654 --> 01:28:06,572
♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪
2142
01:28:06,739 --> 01:28:10,410
♪ Then Whitey
He won't bother me ♪
2143
01:28:11,536 --> 01:28:14,914
♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2144
01:28:15,081 --> 01:28:18,251
♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2145
01:28:19,377 --> 01:28:22,880
♪ I'm gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2146
01:28:22,881 --> 01:28:25,008
♪ When I kill
All the Whities I see ♪
2147
01:28:25,174 --> 01:28:28,928
♪ Whitey, he won't bother me ♪
2148
01:28:29,095 --> 01:28:31,472
♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪
2149
01:28:31,639 --> 01:28:33,575
♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I ♪
2150
01:28:33,599 --> 01:28:36,644
♪ Gonna get me a shotgun
And kill all the Whities I see ♪
2151
01:28:39,126 --> 01:28:40,815
Bravo! Garrett!
2152
01:28:41,274 --> 01:28:43,359
- That was fantastic.
- Thank you.
2153
01:28:43,985 --> 01:28:44,986
Thank you.
2154
01:28:45,862 --> 01:28:46,862
That was perfect.
2155
01:28:46,863 --> 01:28:48,406
- You have an incredible voice.
- You're still not
2156
01:28:48,407 --> 01:28:50,450
- gonna give me no lines.
- It was beautiful.
2157
01:28:52,285 --> 01:28:55,163
Uh, gentlemen, how long
have you been standing there?
2158
01:28:55,621 --> 01:28:56,748
Long enough.
2159
01:28:56,914 --> 01:28:58,394
Lorne, we need
to let the audience in.
2160
01:28:58,499 --> 01:28:59,542
No, you don't.
2161
01:29:02,503 --> 01:29:05,006
Perhaps you kids aren't
quite ready for prime time.
2162
01:29:05,173 --> 01:29:06,507
What are you talking about?
2163
01:29:06,841 --> 01:29:08,009
Look around, Lorne.
2164
01:29:08,801 --> 01:29:10,344
You haven't locked a script.
2165
01:29:10,928 --> 01:29:11,929
Your actors are missing.
2166
01:29:12,096 --> 01:29:13,431
Your crew is...
2167
01:29:13,806 --> 01:29:15,308
in open rebellion.
2168
01:29:19,729 --> 01:29:21,647
They'd be laughing at you
in Burbank.
2169
01:29:23,107 --> 01:29:25,193
Burbank? Excuse me?
This is New York fucking City.
2170
01:29:25,359 --> 01:29:26,360
Who's she?
2171
01:29:26,527 --> 01:29:27,727
- She... It's...
- It's... I...
2172
01:29:27,820 --> 01:29:30,364
It's complicated.
We have a hell of a show.
2173
01:29:30,531 --> 01:29:31,908
We have two bands.
2174
01:29:32,075 --> 01:29:34,118
We have seven of the brightest
comedy minds alive.
2175
01:29:34,285 --> 01:29:35,703
You even know where they are?
2176
01:29:35,870 --> 01:29:37,288
Most of them. Yes.
2177
01:29:37,914 --> 01:29:40,541
Maybe we'll just try again
next Saturday.
2178
01:29:40,708 --> 01:29:42,388
No. No, no, no. Don't do that.
Come on. No.
2179
01:29:42,418 --> 01:29:44,670
Everybody in this room
has been killing themselves...
2180
01:29:44,837 --> 01:29:46,315
- to make something special.
- I know.
2181
01:29:46,339 --> 01:29:47,816
To make something innovative
and actually good...
2182
01:29:47,840 --> 01:29:49,133
- for a change.
- "For a change"?
2183
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:50,819
Don't tell me that you've been
doing this so long...
2184
01:29:50,843 --> 01:29:53,721
that you can't even recognize
the potential for greatness...
2185
01:29:53,888 --> 01:29:55,640
when it's right
in front of your face.
2186
01:29:57,225 --> 01:30:00,019
Do you even know
what this show is? Tell me.
2187
01:30:10,071 --> 01:30:11,572
It's an all-nighter in the city.
2188
01:30:13,157 --> 01:30:16,077
It's catching Richard Pryor
at a drop-in...
2189
01:30:16,244 --> 01:30:19,622
or finding Paul Simon strumming
in the back of a dive bar.
2190
01:30:19,789 --> 01:30:21,999
It's meeting a girl
outside of a bodega...
2191
01:30:22,166 --> 01:30:24,127
and getting lucky
in a phone booth.
2192
01:30:25,211 --> 01:30:26,899
It's everything you think
is going to happen
2193
01:30:26,900 --> 01:30:28,589
when you move to the city.
That's our show.
2194
01:30:29,048 --> 01:30:30,383
That's Saturday Night.
2195
01:30:30,550 --> 01:30:31,551
Show me.
2196
01:30:32,009 --> 01:30:33,010
Show you what?
2197
01:30:33,177 --> 01:30:34,594
Show me Saturday Night.
2198
01:30:34,595 --> 01:30:35,763
We go live
in less than 10 minutes.
2199
01:30:35,764 --> 01:30:37,035
10 minutes!
2200
01:30:37,036 --> 01:30:38,307
No, you don't!
2201
01:30:40,810 --> 01:30:41,936
Show me.
2202
01:30:54,157 --> 01:30:58,119
♪ Mr. Trouble
Never hangs around ♪
2203
01:30:58,286 --> 01:31:02,498
♪ When he hears
This Mighty sound ♪
2204
01:31:02,665 --> 01:31:05,710
♪ Here I come to save the day ♪
2205
01:31:05,877 --> 01:31:09,714
♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪
2206
01:31:10,131 --> 01:31:13,676
♪ So, though we are
In danger, we never despair ♪
2207
01:31:13,843 --> 01:31:15,563
♪ 'Cause we know
That where there's danger ♪
2208
01:31:15,720 --> 01:31:17,555
- ♪ He is there ♪
- ♪ He is there ♪
2209
01:31:17,722 --> 01:31:18,723
♪ On the land ♪
2210
01:31:18,890 --> 01:31:21,976
♪ On the sea, in the air ♪
2211
01:31:22,143 --> 01:31:25,813
♪ We're not worrying at all ♪
2212
01:31:25,980 --> 01:31:29,525
♪ We're just listening
For his call ♪
2213
01:31:29,942 --> 01:31:33,237
♪ Here I come to save the day ♪
2214
01:31:33,696 --> 01:31:36,782
♪ That means that Mighty Mouse
Is on the way ♪
2215
01:31:43,414 --> 01:31:45,875
Andy, you're a genius.
Now save your voice.
2216
01:31:48,211 --> 01:31:49,420
Pull up Weekend Update.
2217
01:31:49,587 --> 01:31:52,006
We're movin'
to Weekend Update, let's go!
2218
01:31:52,506 --> 01:31:53,841
- Hey.
- You take it.
2219
01:31:54,467 --> 01:31:56,069
- What do you mean?
- The show needs a face.
2220
01:31:56,093 --> 01:31:57,094
Are you sure?
2221
01:31:57,470 --> 01:31:59,472
You were born for this.
Trust me.
2222
01:32:00,264 --> 01:32:01,909
Should I make up a name
for the news anchor?
2223
01:32:01,933 --> 01:32:03,976
Use Chevy Chase.
No one will believe it.
2224
01:32:06,812 --> 01:32:08,898
Hey, remember this. When you...
2225
01:32:09,065 --> 01:32:10,441
look into the lens...
2226
01:32:10,608 --> 01:32:12,693
you're making eye contact
with America.
2227
01:32:13,986 --> 01:32:15,446
And now...
2228
01:32:15,613 --> 01:32:18,366
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
2229
01:32:26,082 --> 01:32:27,083
Hey, doll.
2230
01:32:27,583 --> 01:32:28,813
What are you wearing?
2231
01:32:30,044 --> 01:32:31,671
Is that why I hear purring?
2232
01:32:33,005 --> 01:32:34,382
What do you got for me?
2233
01:32:34,548 --> 01:32:35,549
It's my favorite.
2234
01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:38,970
Okay, great.
2235
01:32:41,055 --> 01:32:42,056
Good...
2236
01:32:42,223 --> 01:32:43,933
Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase.
2237
01:32:44,267 --> 01:32:45,494
The Post Office
announced today...
2238
01:32:45,518 --> 01:32:48,062
that it's going to issue a stamp
commemorating prostitution...
2239
01:32:48,229 --> 01:32:49,438
in the United States.
2240
01:32:49,605 --> 01:32:50,606
It's a 10-cent stamp...
2241
01:32:50,898 --> 01:32:52,817
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
2242
01:32:57,738 --> 01:32:59,699
All right, everyone.
Eight minutes till showtime!
2243
01:33:01,784 --> 01:33:02,785
Open the doors!
2244
01:33:02,952 --> 01:33:03,953
Oh, thank God.
2245
01:33:04,954 --> 01:33:07,206
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston.
2246
01:33:09,709 --> 01:33:12,044
Right this way, folks.
You're in for a real treat.
2247
01:33:12,753 --> 01:33:13,754
Yeah!
2248
01:33:17,383 --> 01:33:19,677
♪ Nothin' from nothin'
leaves nothin' ♪
2249
01:33:21,053 --> 01:33:22,430
♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪
2250
01:33:22,722 --> 01:33:23,973
Lorne, remember Carl?
2251
01:33:24,140 --> 01:33:26,600
Carl? Ooh, Carl! Have you ever
used one of these before?
2252
01:33:26,767 --> 01:33:27,852
Not-a once.
2253
01:33:28,019 --> 01:33:29,395
You'll pick it up in no time.
2254
01:33:30,229 --> 01:33:31,689
♪ You gotta have somethin' ♪
2255
01:33:32,064 --> 01:33:33,316
♪ If you wanna be with me ♪
2256
01:33:40,781 --> 01:33:42,450
Come on, guys. Grab a brick!
2257
01:33:42,825 --> 01:33:44,910
♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your hero ♪
2258
01:33:46,245 --> 01:33:49,790
♪ 'Cause that zero
Is too cold for me, ha ♪
2259
01:33:52,084 --> 01:33:53,836
♪ I'm not tryin'
To be your highness ♪
2260
01:33:54,086 --> 01:33:55,296
Heard you needed pages.
2261
01:33:56,047 --> 01:33:57,256
Oh, thanks, Mike.
2262
01:34:02,887 --> 01:34:03,888
Oh, no.
2263
01:34:08,559 --> 01:34:10,728
Dick, question.
What is a "golden shower"?
2264
01:34:11,437 --> 01:34:14,190
- Oh. Uh... It's a yoga ritual...
- Mmm...
2265
01:34:14,357 --> 01:34:15,477
in which practitioners...
2266
01:34:15,608 --> 01:34:19,320
greet the new day by allowing
the golden rays of sun to...
2267
01:34:19,321 --> 01:34:20,737
- Shower.
- Over their skin
2268
01:34:20,738 --> 01:34:22,072
- and warm their chakras.
- Mmm.
2269
01:34:22,073 --> 01:34:23,657
- It's a California thing.
- Mmm.
2270
01:34:23,658 --> 01:34:25,242
I've had at least
50 golden showers.
2271
01:34:25,701 --> 01:34:26,743
You heard him, Joan.
2272
01:34:26,744 --> 01:34:28,344
Sign the damn script.
We're going to air.
2273
01:34:33,626 --> 01:34:35,795
♪ Nothin' from nothin'
Leaves nothin' ♪
2274
01:34:37,463 --> 01:34:40,341
♪ You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me ♪
2275
01:34:42,885 --> 01:34:45,596
♪ Don't you remember I told ya ♪
2276
01:34:46,305 --> 01:34:48,432
♪ That I'm a soldier
On the war on poverty ♪
2277
01:34:49,100 --> 01:34:51,477
Smith and Wesson
K-Frame Model 19 Combat Magnum.
2278
01:34:51,644 --> 01:34:53,646
- Wallie, you son of a bitch!
- Hey, you asked.
2279
01:34:53,813 --> 01:34:55,773
Wallie, my man.
You got something for me?
2280
01:34:56,690 --> 01:34:57,775
Yes, you do.
2281
01:34:58,275 --> 01:35:00,277
George, I wanted to apologize
for how you were treated...
2282
01:35:00,278 --> 01:35:01,362
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
2283
01:35:02,154 --> 01:35:03,239
Are you having a stroke?
2284
01:35:03,240 --> 01:35:04,698
You need more coke?
2285
01:35:06,200 --> 01:35:07,201
Danny!
2286
01:35:15,918 --> 01:35:17,753
Hurry up. Come on, faster.
2287
01:35:18,546 --> 01:35:19,547
Watch your fingers.
2288
01:35:27,680 --> 01:35:29,140
Oh, boy. Lockjaw!
2289
01:35:29,682 --> 01:35:30,807
It's too much cocaine,
2290
01:35:30,808 --> 01:35:32,100
it's seizing up
the old mandibulars.
2291
01:35:32,101 --> 01:35:33,936
Let's get some finger love
in there, huh?
2292
01:35:34,103 --> 01:35:35,943
Yep. Just a little bit of this,
you'll be fine.
2293
01:35:36,105 --> 01:35:37,273
- Okay, great.
- There we go.
2294
01:35:39,233 --> 01:35:40,317
Hey!
2295
01:35:47,450 --> 01:35:48,659
Here we go!
2296
01:35:49,410 --> 01:35:50,578
♪ Nothin' from nothin' ♪
2297
01:35:52,621 --> 01:35:54,707
♪ Nothin' from nothin
Hey, now ♪
2298
01:35:56,709 --> 01:35:57,876
♪ Yeah ♪
2299
01:35:57,877 --> 01:35:59,586
♪ Ah, yeah, yeah ♪
2300
01:35:59,587 --> 01:36:00,879
Can you get in that wig
in 30 seconds?
2301
01:36:00,880 --> 01:36:02,548
- You got it, boss.
- Has Henson got his pages?
2302
01:36:02,549 --> 01:36:03,631
He loves them.
2303
01:36:03,632 --> 01:36:05,091
- And will that crane get there?
- It'll happen.
2304
01:36:05,092 --> 01:36:07,252
- Did you trim the fat on that?
- Already on cue cards.
2305
01:36:07,595 --> 01:36:09,635
Laraine, I don't think
you can make the change in...
2306
01:36:12,808 --> 01:36:14,018
Whoa.
2307
01:36:14,019 --> 01:36:15,227
I stand corrected.
2308
01:36:15,436 --> 01:36:16,645
Is that our show?
2309
01:36:17,188 --> 01:36:19,190
- That's our show.
- Three minutes!
2310
01:36:19,565 --> 01:36:20,566
Yeah.
2311
01:36:23,777 --> 01:36:24,778
Last one.
2312
01:36:24,945 --> 01:36:27,823
- Last one. Get it in. Finally!
- Yes! Come on!
2313
01:36:32,286 --> 01:36:35,748
Ladies and gentlemen,
Billy Preston!
2314
01:37:01,315 --> 01:37:03,546
Photo! Photo! I want a photo!
Come on, family photo!
2315
01:37:03,547 --> 01:37:05,778
No, no, no. We're at
two minutes. There's no time!
2316
01:37:05,779 --> 01:37:07,363
No, come on.
It'll never be the same
2317
01:37:07,364 --> 01:37:08,947
- after this. Come on.
- Fuck!
2318
01:37:08,948 --> 01:37:11,450
I'm not leaving until I get
my photo. Come on.
2319
01:37:11,617 --> 01:37:13,327
I guess everybody go ahead then.
2320
01:37:14,537 --> 01:37:15,913
Do we have a camera?
2321
01:37:17,831 --> 01:37:18,975
- I have a camera.
- Just quickly.
2322
01:37:18,999 --> 01:37:20,376
Great. Yes! Come here.
2323
01:37:28,926 --> 01:37:31,136
All right. 60 seconds.
Come on, everyone.
2324
01:37:31,303 --> 01:37:33,222
- Let's go, please.
- After you, after you.
2325
01:37:33,223 --> 01:37:34,542
One minute.
Let's go to work.
2326
01:37:40,271 --> 01:37:41,791
What are we using him for again?
2327
01:37:41,939 --> 01:37:43,859
- I don't really remember.
- Sorry.
2328
01:37:44,692 --> 01:37:45,693
Thanks.
2329
01:37:45,859 --> 01:37:48,237
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Rocky, wake up.
2330
01:37:48,487 --> 01:37:49,655
Hey, hey, name.
2331
01:37:51,657 --> 01:37:53,617
Rosie, we need your last name
for the credits.
2332
01:37:54,618 --> 01:37:55,869
- Shuster.
- Shuster.
2333
01:38:01,333 --> 01:38:03,043
30 seconds!
2334
01:38:03,210 --> 01:38:05,087
Hey, can we get
a mic check, please?
2335
01:38:06,672 --> 01:38:08,424
One, two...
2336
01:38:09,300 --> 01:38:10,301
three.
2337
01:38:10,467 --> 01:38:11,885
Somebody's got the yips.
2338
01:38:12,052 --> 01:38:13,738
- 20 seconds.
- Is Carlin in costume?
2339
01:38:13,762 --> 01:38:15,514
Yep, they settled
on a T-shirt and jacket.
2340
01:38:15,681 --> 01:38:17,474
Mr. Carlin, may we get
a mic check?
2341
01:38:17,641 --> 01:38:18,721
One, two, fuck you.
2342
01:38:18,851 --> 01:38:19,852
Subtle.
2343
01:38:20,019 --> 01:38:21,339
Carson's still cued
for dead roll?
2344
01:38:21,395 --> 01:38:22,755
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2345
01:38:27,526 --> 01:38:29,320
Pre-roll on VTR-14.
2346
01:38:30,654 --> 01:38:31,655
10 seconds.
2347
01:38:33,741 --> 01:38:34,908
Ready camera two.
2348
01:38:35,367 --> 01:38:36,452
Ready on the fade.
2349
01:38:36,785 --> 01:38:37,953
{\an8}Five, four...
2350
01:38:38,120 --> 01:38:39,705
Are we going live
or going to tape?
2351
01:38:39,706 --> 01:38:41,123
Three, two...
2352
01:38:42,708 --> 01:38:43,709
Go live.
2353
01:38:43,876 --> 01:38:45,437
- Okay, go live.
- Go live. Live, live. Go live.
2354
01:38:45,461 --> 01:38:48,047
Fade up.
And we are live.
2355
01:38:53,510 --> 01:38:55,095
Ready camera one.
Take camera one.
2356
01:38:55,262 --> 01:38:56,263
Cue Belushi.
2357
01:38:59,308 --> 01:39:00,351
Cue John.
2358
01:39:00,517 --> 01:39:02,245
- Where's John?
- Where the hell is he?
2359
01:39:02,269 --> 01:39:03,520
Cue John.
2360
01:39:38,681 --> 01:39:39,682
Good evening.
2361
01:39:39,848 --> 01:39:40,849
Good evening.
2362
01:39:41,392 --> 01:39:42,726
Hey, get closer.
2363
01:39:45,229 --> 01:39:47,231
Good evening.
2364
01:39:48,607 --> 01:39:50,901
Good evening.
2365
01:39:52,695 --> 01:39:54,592
Good evening.
2366
01:39:56,490 --> 01:39:57,616
Let us begin.
2367
01:39:58,200 --> 01:40:00,244
Repeat after me.
2368
01:40:02,413 --> 01:40:04,415
- "I would like..."
- I would like...
2369
01:40:05,416 --> 01:40:06,792
"to feed your fingertips..."
2370
01:40:06,959 --> 01:40:09,044
To feed your fingertips...
2371
01:40:10,379 --> 01:40:11,422
"to the wolverines."
2372
01:40:11,588 --> 01:40:13,048
To the wolverines.
2373
01:40:14,508 --> 01:40:17,636
- Next, "I am afraid..."
- I am afraid...
2374
01:40:18,178 --> 01:40:19,179
"we are out..."
2375
01:40:19,346 --> 01:40:20,347
We are out...
2376
01:40:20,931 --> 01:40:22,808
- "...of badgers."
- of badgers.
2377
01:40:24,393 --> 01:40:25,553
"Would you accept..."
2378
01:40:26,103 --> 01:40:27,354
Would you accept...
2379
01:40:27,521 --> 01:40:29,441
- "...a wolverine..."
- a wolverine...
2380
01:40:30,524 --> 01:40:32,526
- "...in its place?"
- in its place?
2381
01:40:34,903 --> 01:40:37,030
Next.
"'Hey!' Ned exclaimed."
2382
01:40:37,531 --> 01:40:38,907
"Hey!" Ned exclaimed.
2383
01:40:42,202 --> 01:40:43,245
"Let's boil..."
2384
01:40:43,412 --> 01:40:44,872
Let's boil...
2385
01:40:45,038 --> 01:40:47,499
- "...the wolverines."
- the wolverines.
2386
01:40:48,959 --> 01:40:50,502
Next...
2387
01:41:20,574 --> 01:41:23,327
Live from New York.
It's Saturday Night!
2388
01:48:56,279 --> 01:48:57,613
{\an8}Ah!
2389
01:48:57,614 --> 01:48:59,050
{\an8}All right, we're going
to do it again.
2390
01:48:59,074 --> 01:49:01,576
{\an8}Now we got it. Now we got it.
Go back. Go back.