Right! Now,
this is Mr Bennett, and he's going to be taking the boys for football.
Mr Bennett foolishly wants to be a teacher.
- Look at the fucking shell suit, man. - Fucking wanker.
- I don't believe it. - Fucking, yeah.
CHAUHAN: ...the sun shines out of his proverbial.
What you fucking looking at?
Less fucking and more attention, please.
Something you might have said to your boyfriend, that, Gina.
(ALL SNICKERING)
Right, girls onto the other pitch with me. Come on.
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
- You, boy. Why aren't you playing? - Forgot my kit.
Don't make him play, sir. He's shit.
Balls, Mr Bennett!
Right. Look, I want you joining in, all right?
- You ain't playing, Gangel. - Fuck off, McBride.
- Guys! - Oh, come on.
Pass it round. Keep passing it.
Ste! Come on.
Lovely.
Go get it.
Oi! What's his name?
Hugh, sir. Hugh Janus.
Hugh Janus, get back here now!
BENNETT: Hugh Janus!
Janus, are you deaf?
All right, Sandra?
Slag.
Sweet, I must go.
(DOOR CLOSING)
What happened? School burnt down, did it?
Yeah.
What was it this time? IRA bomb?
Fundamentalist Muslim pyromaniacs.
Oh, funny that. Looked all right when I walked past it.
Yeah. "Funny that."
Look, you're not too old to be taken over me knee, young man. Do you hear me?
Whole of bloody Thamesmead can hear you.
Yeah, well, you've gotta start doing your games.
- Why? - 'Cause you have, that's why.
- Who says? - I says.
- I hate football. - You never used to.
Well, I do now!
You know what I'm gonna do now, don't you?
Juggle with them?
SANDRA: You know what they're gonna do, don't you? They'll put you into care.
They'll say, "She's an unfit mother, bang him into one of them homes.
"'Cause, I mean, she can't even get him to do his PE."
That's what they're gonna do.
She's throwing away everything I was saving for me kids. Books, toys.
- I don't want kids. - Kids are cunts.
Anyone been calling you names?
- Like what? - I dunno.
- Stumpy? - No.
- I told you it'd stop. - I know.
I told you you'd grow,
but you don't take the blindest bit of notice of me, do you?
- Yes, I do. - Oh, yeah?
How comes every Wednesday afternoon without fail you're standing there?
- I've told you. - Oh, have you?
# Call the village band out Bid me goodbye #
- What you doing? - Singing.
- What? - I'm just a girl who can't say no.
Heard of Mama Cass?
No, sing it.
LEAH: What? JAMIE: Go on.
- No way. - I won't laugh.
(CLEARING THROAT)
# Call the village band out Bid me goodbye
# Everybody stand outside and cry
# Never thought so many Thought me so dear
# I'd be happy any place but here
# One way ticket take me anywhere
# Northbound, southbound, I don't even care
# I know the grass is greener there #
Keep going.
You might persuade him to get back to school.
Libs.
- That's not natural, is it? - What ain't?
A girl her age into Mama Cass.
She's got a really beautiful voice.
And what's the matter with Madonna?
- She's a slag. - Hypocrite.
- All right, Ste? - Ste, all right?
You two been bunking off together, have you?
Not together, no.
You all right, Mrs Gangel?
Well, it's nice to see someone can stay at school for the full day.
We done football today.
Wrong season for football, innit?
- Student teacher. - Ah, is that the problem?
- No. - Well, what is, then?
- I'd best get in. - Aw, Ste.
I'm doing the tea.
Stick it on, then come back out here.
It's bubble and squeak, Leah. You can't leave bubble and squeak.
You gotta watch it like a hawk.
Don't that make you fart? Bubble and squeak?
Only if you've got a fat arse.
There was a phone-in this morning on Richard & Judy
about delinquent children. I should've rang in.
- I'm going in. - See you, Ste.
SANDRA: Whose fault is it, then, eh? LEAH: The system.
I am a victim of the education... Thingy-ma-bob.
Wasteland.
You're a victim of your own big mouth, more like.
Leah, luv, get in here and peel some taters for tea, will you?
Ah, kiss my arse.
You, indoors. She's a bad influence.
She's a bad influence.
Right, you don't peel no taters, you don't get no tea.
Jamie!
Rainbow's gone anyway.
(PHONE RINGING)
That'll be the phone.
Well, it wouldn't be the bloody Hoover bag, would it?
I know, Miss Chauhan. But, you see, Miss Chauhan...
He's got a funny tummy, you know.
I mean, he really wanted to do football today, but he got taken short, see.
Mmm. And when he got to the boy's loos, they were all locked up, inexplicably.
So, he had a little accident, you know.
Oh, yeah. I couldn't agree with you more, Miss Chauhan.
I mean, when I was at school
I was reserve captain for the Under-16s netball team,
so I can appreciate the, like, value of exercise and sport.
I mean, I'd hate you to think this was any reflection on me meself.
ANNOUNCER ON RADIO: It's slow northbound
due to an over-height vehicle stuck in the entrance,
and on Shooters Hill the lights are out next to the police station.
And on the A2, ongoing roadworks are causing delays
on the contraflow southbound through Bexleyheath.
Now the weather for this area.
Overnight, it will be humid, with a low of 16 degrees centigrade.
Tomorrow will be dry, hot and sunny,
with a maximum temperature of 28 degrees.
This is RTN.
I'm going to work.
There's a cheese salad in the fridge,
and the one with the beetroot's for Tony.
I don't need a babysitter.
No. I know what you need.
Shooting.
- I heard that. - Yeah, well...
You could hear a zit burst in Australia, you, couldn't you?
If you shot me, you'd have to go to prison and live off gruel.
Don't tempt me.
I'll be checking your homework when I get back. Be warned.
(ONE WAY TICKET BLARING)
Oi, Rose!
Attaboy, Ste.
Get her to turn it down, will you?
What do you think I'm trying to do?
Me old man's trying to get some kip in there!
And I'm trying to make chips!
She's only gone and locked herself in her bloody room, ain't she?
Leah! I'm on tablets, you know.
Can I get in and try?
I give up.
STE: Leah! Leah!
LEAH: This is my idol!
Leah, spare some thought for all the nice people who live round here.
Some of them don't like Mama Cass, you know.
LEAH: Well, they should! STE: Leah, please!
ROSE: Oh, I suppose I should be glad it's not techno, acidic,
housey housey, pop trash.
Leah!
What's all the bloody noise?
It's her. She can't control her kids.
I've only got the one, you know.
Just as bloody well.
Rose, turn that bloody racket down, will you?
Do you think I'm enjoying this?
Leah!
(ONE WAY TICKET CONTINUES BLARING)
Oi! Mush!
LEAH: Is that Trevor?
You only had to ask, Trevor. You know I'd do anything for you.
Or to you.
(SCOFFS)
I wouldn't touch it with his.
See you later!
Thank you, Trevor.
Trevor! Trevor!
Your mum told me straight, you know.
Problems.
(CHUCKLES) Been there.
Walking across the park, game going on, my heart, you know, races.
Scared, Jamie.
Scared of the ball coming, you know, near me.
Hey, we can fight this one together.
Do you fancy a knockabout?
No, me neither. But some time, yeah?
It looks like fried shite.
Trevor, make us a sandwich.
- But he made it! - Trevor!
Fucking hell.
I can't eat all that.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Where'd you meet my mum?
Planet Earth.
Where?
Oh, you know, out and about, here and there.
What's a place?
A place is just somewhere where, you know, shit happens.
Yeah, but where?
Gateways.
She turn you on?
- Sure. - She's 35.
What's age? Age is just...
Just a number. You know?
Mum said you was a painter.
I know why she chose you. Needs the lounge done.
Don't like the colour.
Only had it painted last year.
Like that, my mum, goes off things fast.
(CHUCKLING)
She might go off you. Won't be laughing then, will you?
Is that a spliff?
Well, give us some.
- Hey. - What?
Your mum's gonna be all right.
(SOFT JAZZ PLAYING)
Dry martini and lemonade, please.
Pint of Pilsner.
Lou, who served her?
LOUISE: I don't know.
There's no alcohol in it. What's this? Supposed to be a night out, isn't it?
You, out! You're under-age.
I'm only drinking Coke.
You'll be drinking blood if I slap your face. Now move it.
Oh, you're so hard.
Was that a threat?
Yeah, and here's another.
Get out before I call your childminder.
Come on, Slasher. I can't be arsed.
Slasher? What'd you slash? Crepe paper?
He's incontinent.
Sandra!
Is Louise taking care of you, Mr Barr?
Of course.
A word.
Jamie, how old are you?
Old enough. How old are you?
Twenty-seven. Not old enough to be your dad, right?
What?
Sure.
What?
It's just shit, isn't it?
What?
The whole concept.
Yeah.
Anyway, I think we should just, like, move towards getting away from all that.
Right?
(GROANING)
Please, Trevor, I'm sorry.
# How'd you like to have fun, fun, fun?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
# How's about a few laughs?
# I can show you a good time #
You'll breeze it, princess. Unless you really balls it up, the job's yours.
What sort of questions will they ask?
You're interviewing for a new barmaid. You got three birds up for the one job.
You say, "If you find a fiver on the floor at the end of the night,
"what do you do with it?"
First bird goes, "I'd hang onto it,
"ask round the next night to see if anyone's lost one."
Second bird goes, "I'd put it in the till."
Third bird goes, "I'd pocket it. Finders keepers."
Who do you give the job to?
The one with the biggest tits.
(LAUGHING)
# Spend a little time with me
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
# Me #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
I'd have me own flat.
I'd be down Stringfellows every night.
I'd get meself a big drug problem.
(CHUCKLING)
I'd have me own miniature poodle.
And I'd get meself a makeover. You could do all that if you had your own pub.
I haven't had the interview yet.
One of these days I'm going to be dripping in money, I am.
Right, this is me. See you tomorrow, babes.
See you, love.
Ste?
(SNIFFLES)
Ste?
I'm not going back there.
I know, love.
(CRYING)
(DOOR OPENING)
Tony, make him a sandwich.
What?
Tony.
What's it to be? Pastrami and fettuccine on rye?
Tony, just make him a sandwich, please.
You'll have to top and tail with Jamie, I'm afraid.
(KNOCKING)
Ronnie! Trevor! It's me, Sandra!
Your little Steven's round at our place tonight.
I've every mind to report you, Ronnie! Are you listening to me?
It's Sandra here, and I'm not happy!
RONNIE: Fuck off, you meddling cunt!
This has got to stop!
What are you reading, then?
It's my mum's.
Oh, yeah? I've seen that in the shop.
- Hello! - Hello!
What bit you reading?
It's about Sally from Coronation Street.
What, that blonde one?
Yeah. Says her real name's Sally and all.
What, in real life as well as on the telly?
Yeah. I hate that name.
Do you always wear glasses when you read?
- I'm supposed to. - You don't in school.
- It's hardly fetching, is it? - Nah, it looks all right.
- Yeah? - Yeah, I'm telling you.
- So, how's your sandwich? - Cheese and salad. Bang-on food.
Good for your sports, that.
That's right. Good for your spots and all.
- You haven't got any spots. - Yours are cleaning up.
Cheers.
Do you fancy that Sally?
Not really. Do you?
Haven't given it much thought, really.
Do you fancy her next door?
- Fancy Leah? - She fancies you.
- Don't. - I'm only saying.
Jamie.
You going to sleep?
- Yeah, I'm knackered. - I'll turn the light off.
- Ste? - Mmm-hmm?
- You all right? - Yeah.
Right.
Ste?
- What? - Night.
Night, Jamie.
(MAN WHISTLING)
The second applicant says, "I'd put it in the till."
The third applicant says, "I'd keep it for myself.
"Finders keepers."
To whom would you offer the job?
Well, it's obvious, innit? The bird with the biggest tits.
(CHUCKLING)
Though seriously, I'd have to say I'd be more keen on the third applicant.
At least I'd know where I stood with her.
You have children, Mrs Gangel?
That's an easy one. A son. Jamie. He's ever so nice.
I really fucked that up, didn't I?
You'll hear soon, princess.
Yo.
Pervert.
Sorry?
I think you'll find the word "pervert" is a serious no-no.
Anyone who goes out with that old slapper has to be a pervert.
Come again?
Your bird.
Sandra?
She talks to me like I got "cunt" written on my forehead.
You shouldn't use words like "bird".
You wanna watch yourself. Sandra's got a reputation.
I'm not saying nothing.
Anyone got a match?
Yeah, my arse and your face.
Your arse ain't that nice, love.
Oh, grow up!
Oi! Linda Lusardi. Get in here and cover yourself up.
WOMAN: What are you doing, shouting at me in front of them?
MAN: Well, look at you! Out there with your tits all hanging out.
(COUPLE ARGUING)
- Over here! - Over here.
BOY: All right, control it!
(BOYS SHOUTING)
Well, get us my ball back!
(BOYS LAUGHING)
Get it yourself!
- SANDRA: You okay today, Ste? - Yeah.
I went to see a new school today. There's only 20 kids in the whole place.
There'll be 22 if you go. You and Mama Cass.
(LAUGHING)
- Is it residential? - No.
That's a shame. I could've given you a hand packing.
We could've packed that fat bitch and her music and all.
You shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
(CHUCKLING) It's a shame how she died.
- How did she die? - Choking on a sandwich.
Now you know why I tell you not to gobble your chips down.
- TONY: Wasn't she heavily into drugs? - Was she?
Well, I suppose if you're that fat, drugs are probably a happy release.
Maybe she was happy being fat.
If she was so happy being fat, Jamie, why did she die choking on a sandwich?
Why wasn't it a walloping great fry-up or summat?
It might've been a bacon and egg sandwich.
(ALL LAUGHING)
No, it's coming to me now.
It was definitely beef or chicken, something low in cholesterol.
Hark at her, the fountain of all knowledge.
Yeah, well.
When you can keep up with the questions on Bob's Full House,
get back to me, okay?
- I'm more of a Mastermind man. - Liar!
Did anyone see University Challenge last week?
Me neither.
Tony, crack me open another one, will you?
I fancy something wet dribbling down the back of me gullet. What do you say?
I say ditto, right?
Well, you can say what you like, love,
but it's better in than out, do you know what I mean?
- Oh, shut up! - Oi! Manners!
Me mother never taught me none.
(CHUCKLES) He makes me die, he does.
That's the intention.
Bet you don't talk to your old man like that, eh, Ste?
I don't speak. Full stop.
Oh, no offence, Ste. You know what I mean?
- Mum! - I gotta get in.
- Yeah, you do that, Ste. - I'm going boxing with me dad later.
What? Can't you get enough of it, Ste?
(SANDRA SNICKERING)
No, spectating.
Weren't so funny when that bloke of yours beat you up, was it?
Oh, you. You're so clever, aren't you?
Well, just remember, I gave you those brains, so think on.
I always thought you had a lobotomy.
- What did he say? - Explain it to her, Tony.
- Lobotomy, it's like when you split... - Yes! I know what it means, Tony!
(GIRL CHATTERING ON TV)
I work all the hours God sends just to keep you in insults.
If this was my pub, I'd have you barred.
Go on, then, bar me, kick me out. You wouldn't dare.
Oh, look at you. Butter wouldn't melt.
That's all right, Jamie. I've got your number.
You got my number? Well, I've got yours, Sandra.
So why don't you try and be a bit more like a mother to me?
Oh, pull that one on me.
I'm a terrible mother who don't know her arse from her elbow.
I never had a mother, so what do I know about bringing up kids?
I'm not surprised she abandoned you.
You skinny little bastard!
(JAMIE YELPING)
(GRUNTING)
Mum!
Am I like my dad?
No.
You're like me.
How am I weird?
Just give it a rest, Jamie. Christ.
You said it.
You're all right. Okay?
So you got me for a mother, but who said life was easy?
You are. You're all right.
(SNIFFLING)
Do you wanna come to the boxing?
Shut up.
- I've got a spare ticket. - Leave me alone.
- Are you all right? - Apparently.
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
STE: They think I'm a piece of shit.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SANDRA: Jamie?
Do you wanna watch The Sound of Music?
- It's on Sky, Jamie. - We're going to sleep.
Okay. Sorry, lads.
It's me mum's. Body Shop.
Peppermint Foot Lotion. Soothes your feet.
Lie down and I'll rub it into your back, if you want.
Cold, innit?
Yeah.
I'm gonna work at the sports centre.
Yeah?
Do me shifts in the fitness pool, do me shifts in the leisure pool.
I know I can do it.
You're a good swimmer.
You're on your own when you're swimming.
(STE GASPS)
I'm gonna stink of mint.
- Peppermint. - Peppermint.
Have you ever kissed anyone?
And stuck your tongue in?
(CHUCKLES)
Looking like this?
You ain't ugly.
They've made me ugly.
I don't think you're ugly.
Turn over, I'll do your front.
I can't.
I'm too sore. I'd make too much noise and your mum'd come in.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
SANDRA: Jamie? Sorry, love. Who played the baroness?
- Fleanor Parker. - That's it!
I wanna show off to Tony. Sorry, lads. It won't happen again.
- Turn the light off. - No.
- Please. - I don't wanna.
Can I come up that end with you?
- No. - Please.
You stay where you are.
- Satisfied? - Mmm. Night.
Do you think I'm queer?
Don't matter what I think.
Can I touch you?
I'm a bit sore.
Yeah.
(SIXTEEN, GOING ON SEVENTEEN PLAYING ON TV)
Great kid!
Fuck off, I'm minding her for my cousin.
Motherhood suits you.
Yeah, well, if I did get pregnant, I wouldn't get rid of it
like some slappers I could mention.
Well, you're with the black hole of Thamesmead, love, not me.
(WOMAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(BOYS CHATTERING)
All right, Ste?
- Where are you going? - Out with me mates.
Jamie, you haven't got any mates.
- I'm going to a party. I won't be late. - I know.
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
I knocked for you a few times. Thought you might've come round.
It's hot. It's a bloody heat wave, Jamie.
You expect me to be indoors?
No, it's just a bit weird.
I was out, all right? What's weird about that?
- Well, I've been worried about you. - Don't be.
- Well, I was. - Well, don't be!
Nothing's happened, yeah? I'm all right. I'm pukka.
Everything... Everything's pukka.
- You're black and blue. - Give it a rest, Jamie.
Things getting better, are they? Daddy laid off the fist work?
- Or haven't you burnt the tea lately? - I said, leave it out!
- You're scared. - I ain't scared of nothing.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Last week, right, I went to Woolwich.
Coming out of this shop and there's this geezer in the gutter,
pissed out of his skull, just lying there.
Everyone was walking past him, and I had to step over him.
It was my old man.
It got me thinking on the bus.
Why be scared of a bloke who's dead to the world?
When he knocks ten different types of shite out of you...
He's an embarrassment. He's nothing more, he's nothing less.
- Why be scared of that? - Scared of being called queer?
Are you?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
- And are you? - Queer?
Gay?
I'm very happy.
I'm happy when I'm with you.
There, said it now. Go on, piss yourself.
No.
- Why? Don't you think it's funny? - I don't want to.
I think it's hilarious.
Well, why aren't you laughing, then?
Do you wanna come round tonight?
- Well, say something. - I can't.
Say no, then.
Look. Let's get a drink, eh?
Scrub me back, Tony.
Tony?
Tony, what's the matter?
Tony?
It's just something Leah said.
Leah?
Right. I'll look away. You lot keep talking. Then, as a surprise,
- hit me over the head with the tongs. - What?
- It's an experiment. - Man, I'm wired.
I don't understand this. Do you want me to hit you hard?
- No! - I can fucking do it!
Come on, talk.
- I said, talk! - Is anybody else wired?
Here, read this. The underlined bit.
"Mama Cass wasn't allowed to join the group
"because Phillips didn't think her range was high enough for his songs.
"But one day when Cass was decorating at home, a lead pipe struck her on the head
"and when she recovered from the resultant concussion..."
Say it.
"Lo and behold, her voice had changed."
STE: "Lo and behold, her voice had changed."
(SCREAMS)
You twisted little bitch.
(LEAH SCREAMING)
How dare you say all those things to my fella?
I lost that baby, you venomous little cow!
You'll never turn Tony's mind against me, Leah, do you hear me?
'Cause he sees you for the interfering little slapper that you are.
- I wanted it to change. - Oh, well, some things never change.
I wanted it to change!
A leopard never changes its spots and a slapper never changes her knickers.
- Be told! - RYAN: Man, I'm tripping.
Come on, Tony.
- Fancy a drink, babe? - Have a wank, Big Bollocks!
Is that your mum, Gangel? No wonder you're fucking nuts!
You shouldn't have said that to Tony.
- Don't you start. - Shall I call an ambulance?
Call a vet, have it put down.
Hey, Ste! You got any of them Es left?
- No! - Please, Steven!
No way! Come on, Jamie, let's go.
Give us an E, or I'll spread it round where you slept last week.
What?
- Don't know what you're talking about. - He slept on the couch.
Not what I heard. Top to tail, your mum said, very nice.
Take no notice, Ste.
- What would your dad say? - Piss off, Leah!
What would your Trevor say?
- Leah! - Try it!
I don't like hitting girls!
Oh, hit me, then. Go on. Hit me.
- You stupid queer! - Ste, come on.
Oi! Trevor already knows!
You know what them flats are like, walls paper-thin.
Why do you think he's been twatting the face off of you? He knows!
There's nothing to know.
- Top to tail? - You know fuck all.
LEAH: Oh, really? JAMIE: Yeah, really.
Well, I know this much.
I've been sticking up for you, for the pair of you.
Told him I knew you'd slept on the couch.
Told him I've been in and seen.
I goes, "You shouldn't say things like that about your brother.
"They're just mates."
Nothing happened.
When was the last time your Trevor hit you?
- What's it to you? - LEAH: I bet it was Thursday.
- So? - You see, that's when I told him.
That's when I lied.
- Give her an E. - No, it's all right.
I'm not after sympathy.
- We going, then? - Are you fucking stupid or what?
- Ste... - Get your hands off me!
- Ste... - Get your fucking queer hands off me!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
BETTY: Ste's over there.
Come on.
- All right? - All right.
- What you doing? - Oh, not a lot.
Claire's mum's got some vodka back at their house, ain't she, Claire?
Yeah, half a bottle. We're going back there now.
Claire's mum works at the all-night garage, don't she, Claire?
Yeah. Her name's Mary.
Do you fancy some vodka, Ste?
No, not really.
- Well, then, see you. - See you.
Come on, Claire.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
I suppose a shag's out of the question, then?
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
- I'm going now. - All right, love.
Oi!
No!
Yeah, I'll see you.
See you. I wouldn't wanna be you.
How do you fancy going to Greenwich? The park.
"Legs astride the Meridian," as they say.
I gotta finish the week's rota for work.
You're addicted to that pub, addict.
Don't knock it, there's money to be made in booze.
Is that all you want outta life?
All I want outta life is to make enough money
to buy a decent pair of shoes that don't let the rain in.
- I can get you shoes. - Oh, Tony...
- I can make you shoes. - Tony.
TONY: Right. I'll do some hoovering or whatever.
But I thought you said you wanted to go to the park.
It's no problem.
- Yo, Ste! - You all right?
Here, Ste. Any beans to spill?
A little bird tells me you're in love.
What?
Four-letter word, "love".
Oh, don't look so worried. Jamie told me all about it.
She's just jealous, 20 years younger, it could've been her.
Come on, what's she like?
Well, what's her name, then?
- No... - Oh, short for Noleen?
It's very Home and Away.
It's about time, too, you deserve a bit of luck.
'Cause you're all right, you are.
Here, buy Noleen a present with this.
- Get her some flowers. - Sandra, I can't take your money.
Oh, I had a good night for tips last night. Go on.
It's for his bird.
Do you have to use words like that? It really disempowers you.
Noleen busy tonight, was she?
I got you this.
(IN A SOUTHERN ACCENT) My, what a pretty hat.
It's the prettiest hat I ever did see, Master Steven.
Does this mean we're engaged?
What?
Tony?
Sort me out.
(CLEARS THROAT)
It just don't feel right, here.
Your mum and Tony on the other side of that door.
My old man and Trevor next door.
I got an auntie in Gravesend.
Thought we could go there one night, 'cause she's deaf.
But that don't feel right either.
(CHUCKLES)
"You cannot transmit the HIV virus via frottage."
What's frottage?
It's yoghurt. It's French.
"Dear Brian, I am 23, black and gay.
"I am happy being with a man, but I get a horrible feeling
"that people are going to talk about me behind my back,
"and not accept me as I am.
"Also, my family don't know. Unhappy, North London."
Get over that river, mate. I'll make you happy.
Shut up!
Find page 92.
It's the bottom right-hand corner.
It's a pub. The 180 bus goes right to it.
So?
Look at that. Isn't that beautiful?
You'd never get it through the front door.
Yeah, but you never know if you're gonna be living somewhere else, do you?
It's a work of art, that is.
Claude Monet couldn't have done better.
Get a life.
Do you know who Claude Monet is?
Jamie, don't make me out to be thick.
You just remember, I won a year's supply of toilet freshener
for making up that poem.
That took brains and artistry, that did.
(PHONE RINGING)
Can you imagine it, though?
Me and you with our feet up on a cold winter's night?
TONY: Yeah, hold on.
- On that. - TONY: Sandra!
Who was he, then?
He painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- And I haven't finished with you yet. - Miss Chauhan.
- See you. - Have a cool time, kid.
You rang to speak about my little git of a son?
You seen Jamie?
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(MAN SINGING HAVA NAGILA)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
DRAG QUEEN: I love you. You're marvellous. That's lovely
Well, Petra, I hope your leg gets better.
She still thinks she's in Baby Jane.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Fancy wheeling me round the back, mate?
(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)
Excuse me, what's going on here? Petra, dear?
(QUACKING)
Bit young for you, isn't she, dear?
She looks like she's just out of Pampers.
(WOMAN SHOUTING)
Shut up, you. What's your name, petal?
Jamie.
- ALL: Aw! - Oh, Jamie.
You just make me feel like I wanna get my breast out to you.
(ALL LAUGHING)
# I feel like Chicken Tonight #
So, Jamie, I think I'll have two of you,
and ten of your mate. Hello!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, lads, I've got my work cut out. I'll see you after the break. Ta-Ra.
Oh, don't you wish your leg was better, Petra?
See you later! Mothercare, here I come!
- You all right, Leah? - Leah? Who's Leah?
- Had a nice night? - Yeah.
- Go to the pictures? - Yeah.
- What, with Ste? - Yeah.
This is no time for lying, Jamie.
It's not a lie.
You went to The Gloucester, didn't you?
Look at me.
I only went for a drink.
That's where gay people go.
Not just gay people go. Other people go.
- Oh, people like you? - Yeah.
- Miss Chauhan rang me today. - That old bag.
- You never told me you kept getting hit. - Everyone gets hit.
Oh.
And does everyone get called a queer bent bastard and all, do they?
- You're pissed. - No, I'm not.
You're pissed from a bloody gay bar.
How do you know it's gay, anyway?
'Cause it's got a bloody great pink neon arse outside of it.
- You been spying on me? - No.
Someone at work saw you go in.
Well, it don't mean I'm gay.
They wanna mind their own business.
- That's what I said. - What are you going on at me for, then?
Because sometimes, Jamie, I can put two and two together and make bloody four.
- I'm not bloody stupid, you know. - I went for a drink. Big deal.
- Everyone in my class goes drinking. - Yeah.
But they don't all go to the bloody Gloucester, though, do they?
Some of them take drugs, at least I ain't doing that.
No, I bloody hope you're not!
Thanks a lot. Thanks a bundle. Go back to bed.
I can't sleep, Jamie.
Don't take it out on me.
- Will you just talk to me, Jamie? - I'm knackered.
Jamie. Please. Just talk to me!
I'm your mother!
Some things are just hard to say.
I know. I know that.
You think I'm too young. You think it's just a phase.
You think I'm gonna catch AIDS and everything.
You know a lot about me, don't you?
Don't cry.
(SHUSHING)
It's all right.
(SOBBING)
I'm not gonna put you out in the morning like an empty bottle.
There's me, going to bed at night worried,
'cause you had to share a bed with Ste.
And all the time you were...
You were doing a 70 minus one.
I like the lad, Jamie, but he hasn't seen any life.
- He's good to me. - Is he?
Yeah.
- What have you done now? - Nothing.
Then why's she so upset?
'Cause I'm a queer. A bender, a poofter, a knobshiner!
Brown hatter! Shirtflaplifter!
I... I get the picture.
Leave me alone.
- And she knows this? - No, I thought I'd tell you first.
This is... It's...
It's cool.
Good night, kiddo.
He was...
He was the most beautiful baby in Bermondsey.
I used to push him around in a little frilly hat,
in a big blue pram called "Queen of the Road".
None of that's changed.
(SNIFFLING)
- You're fighting it, hon. - Fighting?
I've been fighting all my life.
Kids picking on him. I was there.
Council saying bollocks to benefit, I was there.
When I had 3p in my purse and an empty fridge,
I went robbing for that boy, so don't talk to me about fighting!
You? What have you ever had to fight for in your life?
(CREEQUE ALLEY PLAYING ON STEREO)
Thank you. Thank you to all members of the Academy.
This award means so much to me.
I've never won anything in my life before.
I'd like to thank my manager and my band,
but most of all I'd like to thank one very special person.
- What the... - The woman from whom all energy flows.
This award is as much hers as mine.
The woman who gives me so much inspiration.
- Let's hear it for her. Mama San. - Leah.
- People say to me, they say... - Leah, are you drunk?
"Where do you get your energy from?"
Leah, it's 2:00 in the morning.
- And I say, "Hey..." - Has she taken something?
-"Mama San." - Is your mother in?
Mama San, get on down, honey. Your vibes are shooting through me now.
Is she working nights?
Don't ever let the light leave you, Mama San.
Rose! Leah, get your keys out. Hurry up.
Have you taken, like, a trip, you know?
Jamie! Leah, let me have your keys, please.
TONY: Don't shout at her.
- You're giving me bad vibes, Mama. - She's on something.
Jamie!
You're an old man. I don't like old men.
That's cool. It's no problem.
Well, it is a problem, actually, Tony, don't pander to her.
- What's going on? - Rose!
I saw a video about Woodstock once.
Leah, get in here and turn your bloody music down!
SANDRA: Oh, my God! Tony! TONY: Leah, what the...
Tony, get her down.
Leah. Leah, have you taken, like, a trip, you know?
- Get down, you silly cow. - Sandra!
Here, body language, Tony?
- Hey, you, pack it in, will you? - Oi, arsehole! Fuck off!
There's no need for that, you old whore!
Oh, Jamie, help us!
- Betty, it's them again! - I can see that.
TONY: Right. MAN: Fucking turn it down!
How am I supposed to sleep with that row going on?
It's all right, babes, you're safe.
I'll be glad to get off this bloody estate.
What?
I've been offered a job, if you must know.
Temporary licensee in a pub in Rotherhithe. Nice little flat above it.
Thanks for telling me.
Snap!
- TONY: Leah? - Oh, leave the silly cow.
We can't just...
Tony. Tony!
Right, Jamie, indoors.
Ste, she knows.
- My mum knows. - Why'd you have to go and grass?
- I never. - Well, how comes she knows?
Because she never came down with the last shower.
Jamie, get him an hanky.
There's a box of autumnal shades by me bed.
(SNIFFLING)
(HORN HONKING)
Leah! Leah!
(CARS HONKING)
Mama Cass!
I don't believe in secrets.
I like people to be straight up and honest.
But I'm no fool.
You think I want these flats infamous for child murder?
No. So I won't be telling your dad.
He'd kill me.
- Yeah, I just said that. - No, he would!
Yeah, I think we've established that already, actually, Ste.
They all would. All of them.
I'll bloody kill you in a minute if you don't stop snivelling and shut up!
(SOBBING)
You're a good lad, and that's what counts.
And somewhere...
you'll find people that won't wanna kill you.
No, I won't.
- You found The Gloucester. - I hate it.
- Well, somewhere else, then! Shut up! - There ain't nowhere else.
There is, actually, Ste.
There's an island in the Mediterranean called Lesbian,
and all its inhabitants are dykes, so I think you got your eye wiped there.
Now wipe them properly.
- Fuck me. - No, I'll have none of that here.
I'm going to bed.
Right, Sandra. Night, Sandra. Cheers, Sandra.
Yeah, that's me name, Ste. Don't wear it out, eh?
LEAH: I wish I was the one that was going away.
Nothing ever happens round here.
I gets up in the morning, bake my face in half a ton of slap,
tong my hair with yesterday's lacquer, that's it.
It's the same every bleeding day.
There's fuck all to look forward to.
- What about your new school? - Fell through.
- Do you wanna come to The Gloucester? - Do what?
Gay pub.
- Don't know any gay blokes. - Yes, you do.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- There'll be plenty of men. - Yeah.
And they all dance backwards and never get married.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
See, I told you.
You're going to Woolwich, ain't you?
- What? - Yeah.
Pub crawl, then Stars nightclub.
(CHUCKLING)
You'll pull dressed like that.
Why don't you come down The Gloucester with us?
Ring the other girls, tell them you'll meet them later.
Jamie.
You don't know how to enjoy yourself, do you?
There's a male stripper tonight as well.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
- Louise. - Yeah?
I will never have grandchildren.
Aw.
Don't suppose you've got any jobs in your new pub?
No.
But if I ever do turn it into a brothel, I'll get back to you, okay?
Well, gotta get in. Get ready.
Going out with Ste and Jamie tonight.
The Gloucester?
Yeah. I intend to find myself a nice dyke tonight.
'Cause I'm telling you, I'm through with men.
- Well, if I had a camera now. - What?
Well, I'd take your picture.
Tony, what are you doing?
Can't keep away from you, babes.
I told you, I'm going out with the girls from work.
Thought I could tag along.
It's a girls' night out. You'll only be bored.
- I want to celebrate, too. - Yeah, I know, but I told you. I was...
They'd mind?
I'll mind.
How about one little kiss to send me on my way?
Something to think of till tomorrow.
Stop it.
Well, I'll ring you.
- Tony... - Look, when's your next night off?
No.
No, Tony. I think you'd better go.
Here, stick that down the chute for us, will you?
(LIVELY MUSIC ON TV)
- What you doing? - Staying in.
- Laters. - Yeah.
You'll be seduced by a lesbian, Leah.
Why don't you come to bingo with me?
But don't you see, Mum? I am a lesbian.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, no.
(DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME PLAYING)
- Anyone about? - Nah.
(BANGING)
Dance with me.
Here, Leah, give us a little drag on that.
Come on, then.
- Here, Ste! - What?
Imagine your dad's face.
(LAUGHING)
- Here, Leah. - What?
What's this dyke gonna be like?
Ah, big and butch.
- What colour eyes? - Green.
- Tall? - I'll have to look up.
- Nice. - Yeah.
What about?
Five minutes.