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God.
Okay. Okay.
"I'd rather be a hammer than a nail."
No.
Fuck you, bitch!
- Good luck. - Thanks.
Hi.
I need a room for the night.
$18.
Unless... you have a companion joining you later.
If you have a companion, it's more.
I don't have a companion.
So it's $18.
For now.
It'll stay $18.
Unless someone comes later.
Which he won't.
He may.
To throw out certain evidence obtained at O.J. Simpson's house.
I'm hiking the PCT.
And, I don't have a license plate number or an address.
Just put down your folks' address.
- Hello. - Hey.
Oh, hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Y-You in Mojave?
Yeah. I used your address
as my address on the registration form 'cause I...
I couldn't think of anything else.
No, that's cool. Anytime.
Hey, if you see my little brother, will you let him know where I am?
Not that he would give a shit, but I just want him to know.
No, he does, he will.
Listen, I'm making dinner for a friend, and...
Oh. Which friend?
Does it make any difference?
You know, I only called because I was looking for Leif.
No, I want you to call. I want you to call.
We're friends, remember?
Sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
For what?
I-I don't know.
I'm-I'm sorry...
that you have to walk a thousand miles just to...
Finish that sentence.
Why do I have to walk a thousand miles?
Do you have the list of addresses to write to?
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you want me to send anything else?
No, thanks.
Aimee's in charge of all the boxes.
Okay. Okay.
I got to go.
Happy trails, Cheryl.
Remember, you can quit anytime.
Shit.
Oh, my God.
Shit!
Okay.
So where are you going?
I'm hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.
It goes from the Mexican border up to Canada.
I'll be walking for the next three months.
Wow.
Up to Ashland.
You do a lot of hiking?
Well, I mean,
I'm not obsessive, but this is quite a stretch, even for me.
I guess we're gonna be the last human contact you have for a while?
That's true.
You can never
Go home anymore
Listen
Does this sound familiar?
You wake up every morning
Go to school every day
Spend your nights on the corner
Just passing time away
Your life is so lonely
Like a child without a toy
Then a miracle
A boy
And that's called "glad"
Never
Go home anymore
Now...
Love you, too, son.
"If your Nerve, deny you, Go above your Nerve."
Emily Dickinson. And Cheryl Strayed.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck have I done?
What... The fuck?
What...
The fuck?
What the fuck?
You can quit anytime.
You can quit...
anytime.
You can quit...
anytime.
Yes!
Shit.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would
I thought of you today.
I felt a burst of energy,
remembering why I thought I could hike this trail.
I hope you won't be mad at me if I quit.
"Today a backhoe divulged out of a crumbling flank of earth,"
"one bottle amber, perfect,"
"a hundred-year-old cure for fever or melancholy..."
"A tonic for living on this earth."
"Today I was reading about Marie Curie."
"She died a famous woman, denying her wounds..."
"Denying her wounds came from the same source"
"as her power."
So, what did he say?
He said he was going to call you.
- Are you serious? - Yeah, I know.
Does he think we're in junior high?
Exactly!
I think he's going to ask for your number!
Bobbi?
- Hey. - Hey.
- How's it going? - Good.
Hard but fun.
All right. See you.
Yeah, cool.
I'm just gonna grab this for a second.
I'm sorry I ignored you at school today.
That's okay, hon.
We agreed, right?
It's pretty strange going to school with your mom.
It's not because I'm not proud of you.
I'm really proud of you.
You know what? I'm pretty proud of me, too.
God, there's so much to know.
I mean, I knew there was a lot, but...
not this much.
You've read Erica Jong, right?
Okay, so tell me about the zipless fuck.
Mom, I am not gonna discuss zipless fucks with you.
You have to, 'cause I have to write a paper about it.
I mean, you know, is it...
- This is so awkward. - ...that much easier for women now
- than it was before? - I don't know.
Can we not discuss this?
Well, for me, it felt like it was always covered in zips.
Zips, strings, everywhere I went.
Hey.
What's for dinner, Mom? I'm starving.
Books and essays.
I can fix something.
Are you gonna stay, Wayne? You want something to eat?
- Sure. - Mom, they are 18 years old.
They can cook their own dinner.
You've got a paper to write.
If I can't be a mom, then I can't be a student, either.
Rule book.
That's ridiculous.
If she wants to make me dinner, then let her.
I wonder, have you learned any of this
- that we're reading? - You know, I have to do everything.
I want to do everything.
I hope you do, too.
Pasta?
"Denying her wounds"
"came from her power."
"Denying her wounds came from the same source as her power."
And you want to travel blind...
I'm not afraid.
"Please ensure that you only use white gas"
"compatible with this stove."
"Other fuels may harm the equipment"
"and render it inoperable."
Shit.
Shit!
Cold mush is great.
Cold mush with nuts.
Cold mush with tuna jerky.
Cold mush dreams.
Cold mush shit.
I love cold mush.
"What do you like to do when you're not hiking, Cheryl?"
I like to sit on a real toilet.
And flush.
I like to cook food.
Eat food with other people.
People, that's another thing I like.
I like talking to people,
listening to people.
Funny, that's a hobby, one I hadn't even realized I had.
Until I decided to walk on my own through the fucking desert.
We got to feed you, kid.
Should I stay or should I go?
I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes, I would
Hey!
Hi!
My name is Cheryl.
I'm walking the PCT, and I've run out of food.
I'm just wondering if you could take me someplace I could get a warm meal.
I'm working.
Yeah, I understand.
But maybe when you're finished, you could take me somewhere?
Not gonna find anything open this time of day.
Well, maybe you could just drive me
to someplace that'd be open in the morning for breakfast,
and I can camp nearby.
You must be starving.
I brought all these dehydrated meals, and I brought a stove,
but I brought the wrong fuel.
Yeah, I got a little bit more work to do,
but you can wait in my truck.
Thank you.
- Thank you, sir. - Yeah.
All right, I've been thinking.
You can come back to my place
for a hot dinner and a hot shower.
Okay.
So, what kind of woman are you?
What kind?
Yeah. Are you like a Jane?
You know, Tarzan's Jane.
Are you a Jane?
A wild woman?
I got a little something for us.
That is, if you partake.
Sure.
Ladies first.
- Oh. - It's cheap, but it's good.
See?
- Thanks. - Yeah.
I'm gonna call you Jane.
Yeah, my husband's hiking the PCT with me.
He's just a little bit further ahead on the trail.
We're gonna meet up really soon.
Probably around Kennedy Meadows.
I got a little something else I like to do after a hard day's work.
You like licorice?
Oh, thanks.
Come on.
Come on, Jane!
All right, you got to promise
that you're not gonna tell my wife,
because she hates it when I eat candy.
Okay.
What, you just gonna stand there?
Oh, hold on, sweetheart.
No offense, but...
Thank you.
Well, you just gonna look at it or...
Thank you.
Good meal.
So, your husband,
the two of you meet in college?
- Your husband. - Oh, Paul?
- Yeah. - Yes.
Yeah.
Well, he must be crazy.
It's one thing for a man to take off on a hike like that,
but to allow your wife to do it?
Whole other thing entirely.
Not everyone in the world thinks like you do, Frank.
Nope, that's why everything is so messed up.
Paul and I kind of do our own thing.
Don't you get any ideas.
How could I possibly?
You gonna take off with her?
You have an extra tent?
You'd be yelling for me
to come get you before you got to the end of the driveway.
This is really good.
Baby, baby, be my friend
So, what does this tattoo mean to you guys, anyways?
Well, we both just really dig horses.
We're getting divorced today
and we thought we should do something that bonded us together.
Oh.
Okay.
It hasn't occurred to you guys that it might be easier just to stay married?
Cheaper, too.
At least we probably won't regret it.
Couples don't necessarily stay married, but they tend to stay divorced.
You get a lot of people asking you about removing tattoos?
Well, sometimes.
I cheated on him.
It happens.
She seems sorry.
I am sorry.
Cheryl, come on, can we just...
Come on, man, wipe the slate clean.
It's quite a big slate.
I cheated on him a lot of times.
Is that right? "Stryed"?
No, it's "strayed."
Like a stray dog.
The form asked me what my new last name would be. I...
I looked it up.
It just sounded right.
You're all set.
You're going to have to mail them yourselves.
It's been a wonderful and crazy seven years.
Goodbye,
Cheryl Strayed.
Got what you needed?
Yes.
Now I don't have to eat cold mush anymore.
I can eat hot mush.
There's no husband, is there?
No. I mean, there was,
but he's in Minneapolis, not on the PCT.
I said that 'cause I was scared of you.
Yeah, I knew that.
Can't say I blame you.
Do you ever think about quitting?
Oh, only once every two minutes or so.
Everything hurts. All the time.
- You think I should quit? - Yes, I do.
Don't listen to me. Hell, I've quit a bunch of stuff.
Quit jobs, quit marriages.
I'd have quit that hike after the first day.
You regret any of them?
I didn't have a choice.
I just couldn't do them no more.
Never been a time when there was a fork in my road.
Yeah.
That's about the size of it.
Be careful.
- All right. - Nice meeting you.
Nice meeting you. Thank you, Frank!
Yes!
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
You're doing good, Strayed.
Five to seven miles a day.
At this rate, you'll be finished in about 20 years.
I'm not hungry.
I don't miss food.
I don't miss tacos, chips and guac.
I don't miss Minneapolis snow, that's for sure.
I don't miss margaritas.
I'd kill a snake for a sip.
It's not like I'm some junkie. I'm in control.
Yeah, like everyone is with drugs?
I'm an experimentalist.
I'm the girl who says yes instead of no.
Hi!
Cheryl Strayed?
Oh, yeah, hi!
I... Do I know you?
I... I saw your name in the trail register.
You're the only woman in there.
Right.
I'm Greg!
Nice to meet you!
I'm coming down.
Oh, great!
Sorry. I wasn't expecting any visitors.
So how many miles a day are you doing?
I'm averaging 22 at the moment.
You'll be in Kennedy Meadows by tomorrow?
Hope so.
I'm only managing about...
11 or 12.
Well, the first couple of weeks are always hard.
And you do all that preparation and training,
and nothing prepares you for the pain and the heat.
Yeah, we picked the wrong year, though.
You... bypassing the Sierra?
Sure.
I'll bypass anything. Should I?
Oh, it's completely socked in.
Biggest snowfall in a decade or so.
Yeah, nobody's getting through that.
Say...
how 'bout we make a plan up in Kennedy Meadows?
I'm... I'm staying there for a few days to rest up.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Let's make a plan. I...
Think that'd be good for me.
Great.
I think I'm pregnant.
What?
Who's the father?
I don't know.
I mean...
I think I have an idea.
You have an idea?
Are you fucking kidding me?
What are you doing to yourself?
Can we have the check, please?
Shit. Pregnancy test and a shovel.
You're going to do this in front of me, and if you're pregnant,
we're gonna pay visit to your "idea" and make a plan.
Next please!
Give me a reason to love you
This is the beginning
Of forever and ever
It's time to move over
It's all I want to be
Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be
A woman
I just wanna be a woman
There's no plan to make.
I'm not gonna have this baby.
I don't know when I became such a piece of shit.
I was strong...
Responsible.
I wanted things in life.
I was good, you know?
I ruined my marriage,
and now I'm ruining the rest of my life.
I gotta go back to that store.
I'm gonna walk myself back to the woman
my mother thought I was.
I'm gonna put myself in the way of beauty.
What the hell are you talking about?
In the way of another fucking giant rock.
Maybe your other girlfriends
Couldn't pass the test
Come on, Bruce. Sing with me.
Well, if you're rough and ready for love
Honey, I'm tougher than...
The rest
Hey, there.
There she is!
Hey!
- You made it! - I made it!
Okay, guys?
This is Cheryl.
And Monster.
"Monster"?
My pack?
Oh, man.
Okay, what can I get you?
Snapple. I've been dreaming of Snapple Lemonade.
And potato chips. Any kind of potato chips.
- Any kind? - Thank you.
- I have cash. - No, no, no! My treat.
Thank you.
Seriously, you have no Snapple in that pack?
I wish!
Stay.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
I wish I'd gotten applause like that when I walked in.
Okay! I know they said don't feed the animals,
but I figured this would be a special occasion.
One Snapple and chips.
That's perfect.
When you're done here, Ed over there
will cook you dinner down at the campsite.
That would be amazing.
Thank you.
Ed is amazing. We call him Amazing Ed.
Sweetheart.
If you're reading this, then you've walked 100 miles
through the Mojave Desert.
Whatever else has happened between us,
however angry we are, or were, at each other,
I am so proud of you and in awe of you.
Or, I will be, once you've done it.
As I write, you've only just left,
so actually, you've done almost nothing at all.
Like me!
So we can still be friends.
Minneapolis misses you.
Hey, Cheryl!
- Come and get it! - Okay, great!
So you're not a hiker?
Not like you.
I just come up here every summer to hang out with the real hikers.
You fascinate me.
I'm not a real hiker.
You just hiked 100 miles through the desert heat.
And it nearly killed me.
You want some help?
Do I look like somebody who needs help?
Your boots. They're too small.
That's why you're losing toenails.
Yeah. You're right.
I only just realized it the second you said that.
I thought they were supposed to hurt that bad.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't have any money to buy new boots.
- Did you get them at REI? - Yeah.
Well, you call 'em, you tell 'em, and they'll have new boots
sent to your next stop.
Seriously?
And your pack, it's insane.
We need to do a little pruning.
Okay, so I'm gonna pick out
the stuff that's useless to you.
And you can leave it in the free box unless you can give me a good reason
why you need it with you.
- Okay? - Okay.
How's this working for you?
I stink.
I stink all the time. And my armpits are the least of it.
Are you having much fun with these?
I've never used them once.
I don't know what I was thinking with the saw.
You burning what you read?
You want me to burn books?
I know you're not gonna become a Nazi, I promise you.
But you are gonna make your pack a lot lighter.
Okay? So... Everything before Kennedy Meadows...
Wait. Not those.
These will never be burned.
It's your weight.
I don't take pictures at night.
Never.
You... You need the whole roll?
What woman goes on a hike and brings 12 condoms.
Hey, Ed!
Wait just a minute.
But you'll just send the boots there?
I don't have to do anything?
Thank you so much.
You will be my favorite company forever and ever.
Okay.
Great.
So what's wrong with James Michener?
He's crap is what's wrong.
And which of his books have you read that are so...
I haven't read any of his books.
I read things like Adrienne Rich
and Flannery O'Connor.
Which you do, too, now, by the way.
Doesn't it make a difference to you?
I don't know what to say.
I love James Michener!
And I'm not going to stop loving him!
It must be so weird for you.
What?
That I'm just so much more sophisticated than you were at my age, you know?
Yeah, that was the plan.
What was the plan?
I always wanted you to be more sophisticated than me.
I just didn't realize it would hurt sometimes.
Why do you put up with my crap?
You look so pretty in that dress.
And I'll make you another one soon.
What'd you decide about the snow?
Well, I'd like to push on, if it's possible.
Well, Ed told me a lot of the hikers
went up the PCT another 40 miles to Trail Pass.
- Yeah? - And that's where they're getting forced off
by the snow.
And they're catching a bus up to Reno and on to Truckee,
just, rejoining the trail at a lower elevation.
I didn't come out here to ride buses.
You probably didn't come out here
to slide off the side of a mountain, either.
True.
If you're worried about cheating yourself,
just make your hike longer.
You know, just... walk to Mount Hood
or the Bridge of the Gods.
The Bridge of the Gods?
I like the sound of that.
Either way, don't beat yourself up.
You... you strike me as someone who's done plenty of that already.
Can I ride my horse?
Bobbi Grey?
I'm sorry.
- How long? - Can I ride my horse?
We'll be giving you radiation
to shrink the size of the tumors along your spine.
The slightest jolt, it could crumble.
How long?
You all right, honey?
Yeah, I'm fine.
Hi, this is Paul.
Leave a message and I'll call you back whenever I can.
Hey, sorry to call so late.
Thank you.
I'm in Reno. If you were here, we could get divorced again.
Anyway, I... I'm still alive.
And that's all my news.
And the sum total of what I've learned on my hike.
Okay. Bye.
Hi. I'm Cheryl.
I'm an unaccompanied female hitchhiker.
Would it be okay if I got into your car
so that you can rape and dismember me?
Hey, going north?
Yeah, I am, actually.
Okay, I just need a ride about 12 miles up.
- Well, that's quite a backpack you got there. - Thanks.
I can't offer you a ride because I don't have any room.
What do you mean?
Yeah, I'm packed to the gills.
Jimmy Carter.
No relation.
I interview hobos for the Hobo Times. Drive all over the USA.
And I have to tell you. Lady hobos? Hard to find.
I think you're mistaken. I'm not a hobo.
Second of all, that's a real thing, the Hobo Times?
Yeah, it's real enough to pay for my rent and gas.
So, how long have you been out on the road?
I'm not "on the road." I'm hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.
I just had to bypass a chunk of it
because there was a snowfall this year.
Okay, so if you're not a hobo, where do you live?
I'm between places right now.
I'm probably going to live in Portland when I get off the PCT.
This is so fucking cool. I mean...
I've only spoken to maybe one other female hobo in two years.
Let me reiterate to you, I am not a hobo.
And that's probably because women cannot walk out of their lives.
They've got kids to take care of,
they've got parents to look after.
You sound like a feminist.
I am.
That's excellent. That's fantastic. I love feminists.
So you're trying to tell me you're not a hobo,
so that means you have a job then, right?
I've had a whole lot of different jobs.
Up until a couple of years ago, I was studying.
I hope you don't think this is too personal,
but I've noticed it's often personal trauma
that forces people out of their life
and into the hobo life. Would you say that's been the case for you?
This is my life. I'm just taking a little time out.
This is not a hobo life.
I don't know what else to tell you.
- Can I get a shot? - No! That...
Yeah, this should be in the fall issue.
A couple of my pieces have been in some other magazines.
Harper's has expressed interest.
Harper's?
It's a New York magazine.
Pretty swanky, kind of a big deal...
Yeah, I know what Harper's is. I want to write for Harper's one day.
I don't really feel like being their centerfold Bum of the Month.
What's this?
Hobo care package. Thanks a lot!
What's your dog's name?
Stevie Ray. Got him the day he died.
The other Stevie Ray, I mean.
I love Stevie Ray.
Hey, put on Love Struck.
Just came to me the second you got in this car.
Oh, shut up, Spider! Jesus!
Ignore him. He's nothing but a horny old bastard.
You must be pretty tough, hiking this fucking trail.
I'm in a car with you, taking a ride.
That's not very tough.
That's a cute little boy. How old is he?
He was eight.
I'm so sorry.
He got hit by a truck when he was riding his bike.
Five years ago.
He was a tough motherfucker, too. Just like his mom.
I'm really sorry.
I know you are, sweetheart.
I was never me.
Don't. Okay? Don't. It's not over.
We're gonna find somebody who can help you and we are gonna fight this!
I was always...
A mother or a wife.
I was never even in the driver's seat of my own life.
I thought there was so much time, you know?
And just when...
So many things were beginning.
Oh, well!
You've got to be kidding me.
Hang on.
All right.
I surely would...
Can you stop humming that song?
Happy people sing!
Shut up.
I'm sitting in the railway station
Got a ticket for my destination
The sun is right behind my back
So true north should be over there
I will not lose this fucking track
Or I'll end up in Delaware
Portland bound
I hope I am Portland bound
Hey!
Where am I?
California!
Fucking hilarious.
Plumas County!
Are you lost?
No!
Just screwed.
Hey, beauty.
Hey, my Lady.
She saved my life.
You know, after I left your dad.
I know.
I'm not going to make you promise anything.
This is hard enough on you as it is.
Just please try and do the kindest thing.
Come back!
Come back.
Come back!
Here you go. This should keep you warm.
I'll be back in the morning with Leif.
I love you.
You're the center of me.
Everything I am.
Love.
How's she doing?
The doctor said it would be a year.
It's been a month. One fucking month!
I'm sorry.
I'll pray for her.
Fucking Saint Patrick.
Go to hell, all you saints.
Thank you, God, for showing me the way.
As if He gives a shit.
I'm sorry, but God is a ruthless bitch.
Yeah, well, I really need him.
It's urgent. Tell him to get the fuck home.
Where the fuck have you been?
I've been at the hospital all day! She's dying.
- Don't say that! - You understand that?
- She can't die. - She can. She is dying.
Stop it!
She can't die.
There was Killer, and Doobie.
Doo-bie!
And Motorcycle Dan.
Motorcycle Dan... wow!
I wanted to be like that guy.
And Nipper.
"If you press your face against the glass..."
"...you can see a little slice of Lake Superior."
A room with a view.
She said.
All my life, I've always wanted a room with a view.
Jesus, she just never stops.
The past few years, I've acted like she was nothing to me.
But...
really, she was everything.
What are you doing?
Praying.
Shut up.
I'm praying to the whole fucking universe...
hoping there's a God.
Because I want a miracle. I want a fucking miracle!
Our mother isn't going to die at 45.
Are you burning and yearning?
Do you ever feel blue?
And do you think of returning?
How's the world treating you?
I can't wait to see her face.
She'll be so happy to see you.
So happy to see you...
How much do I love you?
No.
This much?
I'm stuck! I can't go wider.
I can't go wider!
How's the world treating you?
We put ice on her eyes.
What?
She wanted to donate her corneas, so...
Oh, my God.
Fuck you, bitch!
What the fuck do you want?
Fuck you, let's go.
I'd rather be a sparrow
than a snail
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would
I'd rather be a forest than a street
If I could
If I only could
I surely would
Fuck it.
Can you stop humming that song?
What is wrong with you?
I don't know. What's wrong with you?
I'm happy. Happy people sing!
Why are you happy? We have nothing, Mom. Nothing.
We're rich in love.
Oh, my God, please.
Don't even start with that.
We're both waitressing full-time.
We're students.
We'll have loans the rest of our lives. This house...
is falling apart. You're all by yourself
because you married some abusive alcoholic asshole.
And I come home and you're singing?
What part of it do you not get?
There's nothing I don't get, believe me.
But then what?
Cheryl, if there's one thing I could teach you...
It's how to find your best self.
And when you do, how to hold onto it for dear life.
And this is your best self.
I'm trying.
Do I regret marrying an abusive alcoholic asshole?
No.
Not for a second. Because I got you.
And your brother.
See how it works?
It isn't easy...
But it's worth it.
There's going to be a lot worse days than this.
And you can let them kill you...
But, I don't know... I want to live.
"I want to live."
You couldn't even stick around and enjoy your miserable happy life.
I think you have packages for me? My name is Cheryl Strayed.
New boots from REI?
Yes.
How far did you walk in those?
About 50 miles. You sure there's not another package?
I'm sure. And, lady, if you walked 50 miles
in duct tape, you got the right package.
It's two bucks for the Snapple.
I'll pass.
Thanks.
You like my shoes?
Dearest Cheryl, you made it halfway.
Six-hundred miles. Damn!
I ran into Aimee. She said you were making your hike longer.
Did you decide where you'll finish?
Let me know, I'll send a tube of foot cream.
I'm sorry if I cut you short on the phone before you left.
I still resent you, I guess.
The funny thing is...
hell, I'll admit it...
I miss you.
Be sure to take plenty of water with you for the trail.
There's a water tank 20 miles up, right?
Yep. But it's way over 100 degrees out there.
That's a lot of sweat.
Okay. Thanks.
Howdy.
You should have something for Stacey Johnson.
I'll go check.
Hey, are you hiking the PCT?
Yeah.
Are you?
You're a woman!
You come across a guy named Greg?
Yeah. A while ago, at Kennedy Meadows...
when I knew even less than I do now.
Well, he quit.
What? Greg?
He couldn't deal with the snow. He's coming back next year.
Wow.
Greg quit and I'm still here?
Cheers to that.
You get lonely?
Honestly, I think I'm lonelier in my real life than out here.
Yes, I miss my friends, of course, but...
it's not like anybody's waiting for me at home.
How about you? Why are you here?
I don't know. I just need to find something in myself, you know?
I think the trail is good for that.
I mean, look.
This has the power to fill you up again if you let it.
My mother used to say something that drove me nuts.
"There's a sunrise and a sunset every day..."
"...and you can choose to be there for it."
"You can put yourself in the way of beauty."
My kind of woman.
She was the love of my life. There's nothing else...
to say.
I thought there'd be couches and Kleenex and shit.
That's 50-bucks-an-hour therapy.
This is 10-bucks-an-hour therapy.
Why were you destroyed by your mother's death?
Is that your job? To tell the bereaved they're grieving too much?
People grieve in all sorts of different ways. I'm asking about yours.
Is mine so bad?
You're using heroin and having sex with anyone who asks.
I'm not sure these things are making you happy.
That's where you're wrong.
When I'm doing them, I feel good and happy.
When I'm not, I feel like I want to die.
You sleep with your husband, too?
No, I'm sort of like a guy about sex. I prefer to be detached.
You think that's what guys are like?
"You are here"?
I see that poster everywhere, and I fucking hate it.
Why would you ever teach a child they don't matter?
Did you feel you mattered?
I know I mattered.
So who detached from you?
Right. You know what?
This is not going to work. This is not about talking.
"You want a knuckle sandwich?"
You want a knuckle sandwich?
Go, go, go! Go get in the car.
Get in the car.
Get the fuck out of here!
Fucking whore!
I'm going to kill you!
I'll kick your ass with my new boots, you fucking asshole.
Thank you, baby.
"Eggs and bacon."
You want some eggs and bacon?
Baby?
No more rain, no more pain.
"Even a child with normal feet was in love with the world..."
"...after he had got a new pair of shoes."
Flannery O'Connor.
And Cheryl Strayed.
The ashes of a body aren't really like ashes from a fire.
Soft and silky, they're more like...
pale pebbles mixed with a gritty gray gravel.
I spread most of them around her grave.
But some of the larger chunks...
I put in my mouth...
and I swallowed whole.
Then I moved to Portland...
with crazy Joe.
The first time I smoked heroin...
I laughed like a child...
and twirled around in my mother's jewelry box.
Then we snorted it.
But we were never going to shoot it.
Never.
The first time I shot up, I begged.
More, more, more!
How do you like it, how do you like it?
The day after my birthday...
a man asked me for money.
That's what I want
A week after that...
somebody finally wished me happy birthday.
Heroin? Of all the stupid, selfish things!
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Don't you fucking touch me!
Don't play this game!
Why did you even come? I didn't ask you to!
You just want to be the hero!
Yeah, maybe!
Why did you come here?
Because!
Just because.
Fuck it.
Where is this fucking tank?
No.
No!
Shit.
Don't fucking die here.
Thirty minutes.
Fucking iodine pills.
You got any water?
I'd give you some of mine, but it's not ready.
It takes about half an hour... with an iodine pill.
But you have to filter it first.
We don't have a filter.
You can use mine.
Do you have a bottle?
Got an empty beer can.
Okay.
What are you doing out here?
Hiking the PCT.
So how can we kill the time?
I can think of some ways.
She's got a real nice figure, doesn't she?
I have to get going.
Sit down. We're just messing with your head.
We need to get going, too.
Thank you much.
Yeah.
Thought you were heading out.
I changed my mind.
Tried to trick us?
No, I changed my mind.
Changed your clothes, too.
I like your pants.
They look good on you.
Show off your hips and legs and tight little ass.
Please don't say that.
Can't a guy give a girl a compliment anymore?
Thank you.
What the hell are you doing?
I thought you were lost. Get your ass over here, let's go!
Here's to a young girl alone in the woods.
Hello, Oregon cow.
Look out of any window
Any morning, any evening
Any day
Maybe the sun is shining
Birds are winging
Rain is falling from a heavy sky
What do you want me to do
To do for you to see you through...
That shade looks nice on you.
Oh, you think?
Oh, my.
Do you mind if I say something?
Sure.
The nicest lipstick in the world can't help a girl
if she doesn't take care of her personal hygiene.
I've every intention of taking care of that.
It really needs to be a priority, sweetie.
Hey.
I... I work at a music club down the street.
We're honoring Jerry Garcia tonight.
- You should come along. - Oh. Cool.
What's your name?
Cheryl.
Don't worry, I don't bite.
I don't mind biting.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I just said that.
I'm so sorry. I've been on my own for a little while.
Not that I'm "on my own." I've been in a lot of relationships before.
I've just been hiking on my own for a while.
Look, I'm gonna put your name on the guest list.
Hope to see you later.
Hi, honey.
Here is your Ashland box.
Enjoy some well-deserved rest, but don't overdo it, okay?
Still a lot to hike, no?
I had said you can quit anytime.
But I take it back.
Call me when you get to the finish line.
Love and kisses, Aimee.
As it were your own
It's a hand-me-down
The thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better
Left unsung
I don't know
I don't really care
Do I know you?
Thanks.
Let there be song
To fill the air
Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow
Dear Paul,
I woke up this morning and wrote your name in the sand.
I've done that on every beach I've been on ever since I met you.
But I'm not going to do it again.
I'm ready to move on.
Baby, baby, be my friend
I have only another 300 miles left to walk.
I'm desperate for it to be over.
But I'm terrified, too.
When I'm done...
I'll only have two dimes to my name.
But I'll have to start living.
And I'm nowhere near ready.
Please! Sir, wait!
I just closed.
I think you have a package for me in there?
Could it wait until tomorrow?
It has fresh clothes and food, and batteries I need.
Okay.
If you'll have a drink with me later.
Sure.
There you go, good-looking.
Thanks.
You like punch?
I make a good one. I throw every liquor I can find into a bucket
and I pour a couple of cans of juice on top.
Sounds good.
- Cheryl? - Yeah.
- Oh, my God. - We're closed, guys.
- "If your nerve deny you... - "...go above your nerve."
- Emily Dickinson. - Yes.
"I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."
Walt Whitman?
No, that was Robert Frost.
The Whitman was, "Be curious, not judgmental."
Yes.
"God is a ruthless bitch." You left the name off.
- That one was me. - You're our hero.
Okay, fellas, I'm shutting up now.
We just wanted to pick up our post?
No. I'm sorry. I already reopened for the young lady here.
And I'm not gonna reopen again.
But you wouldn't really have to reopen because you haven't closed yet.
And their packages are right there.
It's such a miserable night.
Whatever's in them is gonna make the night just that much better.
Do you mind?
That your horse?
If you want to take her out in the morning, she could do with it.
Hey, so the campsite, is it left? Left, right?
Yeah.
Good night! I'll see you in the morning.
Oh.
Number one and number two.
Just a little. Just a little.
Wonderful!
So, Cheryl, how do you deal with being on your own all the time?
I mean, we're with each other and we're still sick of ourselves.
No. I've been to most of the places in my head that
I didn't want to go to, but I feel like there's
one or two that, for whatever reason, I just...
I hear you.
There's a few girlfriends that I'm in no hurry to think about again.
I think I know exactly who you're talking about. Right?
I don't want to talk about this right now.
Not again! Good night!
Just please try to do the kindest thing.
We don't have to do this.
She's been really sick for a long time.
There has to be another way.
We don't have the money to do it right.
We can't go to a vet.
Leif, she's just going to die slowly and painfully.
Just please do the kindest thing.
Hey, brother, it's me.
Look, I know we don't have a home to go back to, but...
I want you to know I'm pulling you along with me.
It's been really hard, but
do me a favor, okay?
Walk a little?
I love you.
Bye.
Hey, good-looking.
I brought you coffee and a donut, fresh this morning.
Thanks. Really.
Why don't you come by for a refill before you head off?
I will. Thanks.
Good morning, fellas.
- Morning. - Morning.
So, you got a trail name?
You know, like a nickname.
We've got one for you.
- Really. - Queen of the PCT.
Come on.
You've just got so many stories
about people doing things for you and wanting to help you out.
I mean, nobody ever gives us anything.
No one ever does anything for us, in fact.
But please, please, come and get your refill, Your Majesty.
Yeah, Your Majesty doesn't really go for refills.
Refills typically come to her.
Exactly.
Dude, stop.
Stop. Now I'm going to have that song stuck in my head
for the next hundred fucking miles.
- Would you prefer I just... - Don't.
Don't.
And I said hey, hey, hey...
Shut up, man.
Shut up! I'm serious.
I said, hey!
What's going on?
Get him. Get him!
I'll get you soaked!
I said hey, what's going on?
I'd rather be a forest than a street
It's okay.
You're safe.
It's okay.
You're all right.
Don't be scared.
You got him! Thanks!
Thanks.
Does he have a name?
Shooting Star.
Shooting Star?
And I'm Vera, and this is Kyle.
I'm Cheryl. Are you enjoying your hike today?
I'm having a wonderful time, thank you very much for asking.
You're so polite.
We're just out for the weekend, rain or no.
Yeah.
Vera's my grandmom.
She's looking after me because I have some problems
I'm not supposed to talk about with strangers.
Well, you don't have to talk about them.
But, you know, everybody has problems. I have problems, too.
What kinds of problems?
Well, I mean, I have problems with my dad.
I don't see him anymore.
Me, neither. What about your mommy?
She died.
But, you know, problems don't stay problems.
They turn into something else.
How did she die?
She got very sick.
My mother's a singer. She's taught me many songs.
Oh, really?
Would you like to hear one?
Yeah.
From this valley they say you are leaving
We shall miss your bright eyes and sweet smile
For you take with you all of the sunshine
That has brightened our pathway a while
Then come and sit by my side if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
Just remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy that loved you so true
Just remember the Red River Valley
And the cowboy that loved you so true
That was really beautiful.
Thank you.
I miss you.
God, I miss you.
There's no way to know what makes one thing happen and not another.
What leads to what.
What destroys what.
What causes what to flourish.
Or die.
Or take another course.
What if I forgive myself?
What if I was sorry?
But if I could go back in time,
I wouldn't do a single thing differently.
What if I wanted to sleep with every single one of those men?
What if heroin taught me something?
What if all those things I did were the things that got me here?
What if I was never redeemed?
What if I already was?
It took me years to be the woman my mother raised.
It took me four years, seven months and three days to do it.
Without her.
After I lost myself in the wilderness of my grief,
I found my way out of the woods.
And I didn't even know where I was going
until I got there on the last day of my hike.
Thank you, I thought over and over again,
for everything the trail had taught me,
and everything I couldn't yet know.
How, in four years, I'd cross this very bridge.
I'd marry a man in a spot almost visible from where I was standing.
How, in nine years, that man and I
would have a son named Carver,
and a year later, a daughter named after my mother, Bobbi.
I knew only that I didn't need to
reach with my bare hands anymore.
That seeing the fish beneath the surface of the water was enough.
That it was everything.
My life, like all lives,
mysterious, irrevocable and sacred.
So very close.
So very present.
So very belonging to me.
How wild it was... to let it be.
I'd rather be a sparrow than a snail
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would
I'd rather be a hammer than a nail
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would
Away, I'd rather sail away
Like a swan
That's here and gone
A man gets tied up to the ground
He gives the world
Its saddest sound
I'd rather be a forest than a street
Yes, I would
If I could
I surely would
I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet
Yes, I would
If I only could
I surely would
As the sun comes up
As the moon goes down
These heavy notions creep around
It makes me think
Long ago
I was brought into this life
A little lamb, a little lamb
Courageous, stumbling
Fearless was my middle name
But somewhere there I lost my way
Everyone walks the same
Expecting me to step
The narrow path they've laid
They claim to walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold me, love me or leave me
High
Say keep within the boundaries
If you want to play
Say contradiction only makes it harder
How can I be
What I want to be?
When all I want to do is strip away
These stilled constraints
And crush this charade
Shred this sad masquerade
I don't need no persuading
I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and
Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold me, love me or leave me
High
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