Bette?
Dot?
Here you are.
You have a visitor.
This young man was concerned about your welfare.
As you can see,
Bette and Dot aren't prisoners,
they're our guests.
They can leave anytime they want.
Is that true?
We're being treated very well, Jimmy.
When the girls first stepped foot in our house,
they were malnourished, both body and soul.
A daily regimen of vitamins and foie gras
brought the pink back to their pallor.
Bette, Dot, I know this seems
like the life of Riley now, but trust me,
this is no place for you.
Because to them,
you're nothing more than a curiosity.
A freak to gawk at.
So what do you want us to do?
Go back to the show?
How is that any different?
Because you'd have
a whole community of people to protect you.
Why would we harm
a hair on their heads?
We paid good money for these girls.
Mother's right.
Don't listen to a word.
Everything he says is a lie.
Jimmy, you told us
you saved those kids from the killer clown.
It was dandy.
He was there when you were unconscious.
He's the real hero.
Ladies and gentlemen!
I've always wondered
how this trick was done. Haven't you?
Leave her alone!
Bette...
Dot...
...you have to come with me.
- Now. - You don't give
the orders in this house.
Dot,
I know you have mixed feelings.
You're thinking of getting the surgery, which I'll never allow.
'Cause you'd never cut a girl in half, would you, dandy?
Shut up! Stop trying to ruin everything!
How do you know, dandy?
About the surgery?
I told you there will be no secrets between us.
You read my diary.
I want to leave.
She can't leave without Bette.
We're in love,
and love trumps everything.
Well, your mother said
the girls could go any time they want.
Let's let them decide.
Bette,
I know you love me.
Tell them
you want to stay
and live forever in luxury with me.
There's something wrong with dandy and you know it.
I'm sorry.
But I choose my sister,
always.
We have to go.
Testing.
Okay, let's do this.
One, two, three.
♪ Come as you are
♪ as you were
♪ as I want you to be
♪ as a friend, as a friend
♪ as an old enemy
♪ take your time
♪ hurry up
♪ the choice is yours
♪ don't be late
♪ take a rest
♪ as a friend
♪ as an old memory...
♪ Memory, ah
♪ memory, ah
♪ well, I swear
♪ that I don't have a gun
♪ no, I don't have a gun
♪
Hey, uh...
You seen Andy around?
Not since the last time you came by looking.
Never fall in love with a hustler. That's my advice.
♪ Memory, ah
♪ memory, ah
you keep your mouth shut!
♪ And I swear
♪ that I don't have a gun
♪ memory, ah.
Truthfully? Adequate.
I'm not changing anything.
That's the song, that's how I'm doing it.
Tonight. Mid-show number.
Ha!
Do you honestly believe
that I would allow you
to sap the energy of the audience? Huh?
Remember to whom you speak.
I know exactly who I'm talking to!
A liar.
And we don't take orders from liars.
What's going on here, huh? What is this?
The twins, Elsa.
We know what you did with the twins.
They ran off!
I told you that.
Yeah, we heard your story.
Maybe it's time we heard theirs.
What?
You sold them off.
Like pets.
That's not quite how it happened, actually...
Bette what are you doing?
Keep it buttoned.
I know what I'm doing.
It's true miss Elsa took us to dandy Mott,
but only because I asked her to.
But you said that...
Well, you misunderstood.
Miss Elsa didn't sell us.
She helped us.
We wanted to experience the finer things in life.
And Elsa
was kind enough to make that happen.
But she also said we always had a home here,
if that's what we wanted.
So we've decided to come home.
If you'll have us.
Well, of course, my darlings.
Anything you want.
Miss Ethel,
we'll get this taken care of.
Don't you worry about me.
The good doctor's gonna fix me up,
right as rain.
You be sure and book your surgery.
Oh, I will. I can hardly wait.
"Closed for business"?
What on earth?
Where's Dr. Bonham?
He's dead.
Oh, no...
Spare me the theatrics.
I'm not a fan of yours.
Well, you're a very rude young woman.
Who are you?
I'm his daughter.
Oh, you're the one
he moved down here for?
No.
I'm the other one.
The one without a husband and children.
I came down from Boston to bury him.
What happened to him?
You killed him!
Your very existence
challenged his beliefs in god and science.
So before he blew his brains out,
he took a hammer and smashed both of his hands.
The hands of a surgeon.
They were his most valuable possession. Oh, god...
What am I gonna do now?
You're gonna get out, before I call the cops. Oh, come... Just a minute...
Get out, you freaks!
Oh, ho, ho! Okay.
Whoa...
Huh.
Hey, it's the strong man.
I keep trying with this thing
and I can't even get it halfway up.
I feel like a damn fairy.
Hey, don't be cute, buddy.
I'm in the mood to hurt someone today,
and trust me, you don't want it to be you. What's the matter?
You can't actually get it up?
Well, I'll be.
Say, what do you say we go get a drink and you, uh,
you tell me your trick?
I know this place a couple of towns over
called, uh... High Noon.
What?
Oh! You-you haven't heard of it?
Why, that's funny, because I saw you there today.
And so did a lot of other people, I'm sure.
You were pretty upset about one of those,
uh, sweet little things that works there.
What's going on, fellas?
Kind of hard to hit the bell
when Richard's in your way, isn't it?
You might hit him instead.
Ah, these things are rigged anyway, right?
Dell and I are gonna head into the tent to chat, instead.
You got it.
Rule number one.
When attempting to blackmail a man with freakish strength
and a mean streak the size of the panhandle,
make sure you got witnesses.
You're my ideal man.
And I'm not talking about your bulging muscles.
Though I have to admit...
For someone so strong, you lack the beefcake look.
No.
You have the three qualities I love in a person.
One... you lack a moral code.
Two... you can kill a man with your bare hands.
And three... you have to do whatever I say,
or I'm gonna make sure this whole place knows
that you have someone else's shit under your fingernails.
Oh, I'm gonna kill you.
Not now, you won't.
Maggie saw us come in here.
And not later.
'Cause I'm very good with this thing.
I like to aim for the jewels.
Kind of my signature shot.
The screams of the men who have been nut-shot
are so specific.
Came here to make a deal, right?
Talk.
I need one of your freaks.
Dead.
Keep it clean, I want the body intact.
And it needs to look like they just disappeared.
You want me to kill one of my own?
I weep from your sudden sentimentality.
There's a barn a couple of Miles due West of here.
Bring the body there.
You've got a day.
What's on your mind?
You're a million Miles away tonight.
I was just thinking about the twins.
How they changed their story.
Made me look like a fool in front of everybody.
Maybe they got confused.
No, there's something weird going on around here.
I don't know what, but it's got my head all screwed up.
Maybe it's another sign.
That it's time for us to go.
We could leave right now, before the sun comes up.
Unless you changed your mind...
No, of course not.
I'll go with you.
Then let's go.
Right now.
I can't right now.
It doesn't feel right.
That rich kid,
you should have seen the way he was looking at the twins.
And that second clown...
Do you think you would recognize his voice if you heard it?
I-I don't know.
He was... he was wearing that mask.
And it's over.
Why does it matter?
Because justice is justice.
That guy almost sawed you in half.
If the rich kid did it, he has to pay.
You know what I think?
You're stalling.
No, I'm not.
I want to go.
I just need a few more days to get everything in order.
That's bullshit.
You're never gonna leave this place.
♪ You knew when you loved me
♪ I never would resist...
♪
♪ I never would resist...
You trying to get with me?
♪ I'll give in...
don't make this difficult now.
Goddamn it!
♪ My only sin
♪ but the same guided missiles
♪ will get you in the end...
All right, all right, Uncle, Uncle.
♪ But the same guided missiles
♪ will get you in the...
♪ End.
Who's the strong man now?
And all I can think about is
his grubby hands all over me.
No, keep your hand on ice.
Your swelling will never go down. Ugh.
Dell's done a lot of rotten things, but this?
He must be out of his mind.
We got to get our facts straight,
so when we go to the cops...
Cops?
You of all people saying that.
Dell is our problem; We're gonna fix it.
We're gonna sneak into his trailer, kill him.
What?! Whoa, whoa!
Ma, where's this coming from?
I know him, Jimmy.
I know what he's capable of.
And you don't.
Jesus, ma, well, at least let me talk to him.
What if he'd come after Maggie?
You'd be the first one charging in with a gun.
You don't know what it's like,
peepers flipping up our skirts.
You know what your problem is, Jimmy?
You're stuck on the rosy notion
that the world operates on goodness,
decency.
Truth is...
All goodness guarantees ya...
Is an early grave.
But the biggest joke of all...
The thing that'll sink ya every time...
...is hope.
Hope that the world will right itself.
That the just will be rewarded and the wicked punished.
Oh, once you buy into that horseshit,
you're dead in the water.
The only way to survive
in this disgusting godforsaken world...
...is to take control.
Ain't nobody gonna take care of our people but us.
Dell hurt one of our own,
we can't let him get away with that.
Can't let...
That degenerate prick win.
He's got to pay.
He will, ma, he will.
I can make it right.
I'll kick his ass to the curb, I'll tell him
to get the hell out of here, never come back.
Trust me.
I can handle Dell.
You handle him.
Or we will.
See that?
Easy-peasy-japanesey.
Sweet holy Jesus, Ralph.
You only got halfway up there.
I-I've seen nine-year-old girls
in pigtails hit it higher than that.
I've got to talk to you.
Man to man.
Well, tell me when the other man shows up,
and I'll talk to him.
Funny. Not here.
All right.
Let's go into town.
I'll let you buy me a drink.
So, tell me...
What do you girls want in exchange
for that charming tale about my kindness?
You want me to stay here
and not compete with your Hollywood, uh,
Siamese twins floor wax hour?
We're not going to Hollywood.
We don't trust Richard Spencer.
Why take a chance on a stranger
when we have all we need right here?
Hmm, so that's all you want?
To stay here?
Just tell her what you told me.
Go on.
I want to become a comedienne.
Like Eve Arden. And I could crack jokes
and tell stories
in between songs. Oh, and I want caviar
for breakfast. And I want to dye my hair blonde.
And 20.
And 20% of the box office.
Off the top.
You can have it.
Once I'm in Hollywood.
We want the money now.
And we also want the money
that Gloria gave you when you sold us.
This is blackmail.
My, my, my.
You girls have come a long way
since I've rescued you from the hospital.
What about you, Dot?
Hmm?
You're very quiet.
Do you condone this... outrageous behavior?
In fact, I think we should take 50%
of the box office.
♪ You're mine
♪ and we belong...
Jesus, what the hell was that, gasoline?
It tastes like piss on fire,
but it's cheap. It'll get you drunk twice as fast.
Let's have another one.
One's good for me. I don't do liquor.
I seen what it did to my ma.
I'm scared, once I start, I won't be able to stop. Come on.
You're not gonna become a drunk in one night. It doesn't work
that way.
Fine. You want to talk? Talk.
Fine. I don't know what happened between you and Amazon Eve,
but they're putting together a lynch mob to string you up
by your balls. That woman is nuts.
I mean, I just went in there to...
Talk to her about maybe doing a little...
Strong man and strong woman act in the show.
I didn't get one word out, and she's smashing me over the head with a frying pan.
That's not what she says.
Hey, just leave the bottle here.
What are you, a mama's boy?
We're supposed to have a man-to-man.
Well, men drink.
Attaboy.
She can say whatever she wants.
Look at her. Look at me.
Who got the worst of it?
It doesn't matter who's telling the truth.
Those gals are gonna mess you up.
Yeah. You and me are no friends to each other,
and I'm not gonna miss you when you're gone, no matter how you go,
but we've had enough trouble already this year.
♪ And we belong together
♪ yes, we belong together
♪ ah-ah-ah-ah
♪ for all eternity...
♪ Eternity ♪
♪ You're mine...
You must sweat like a thoroughbred with those.
Yeah, but it's worth it
to be able to be out here in the world.
Living a life, talking to girls...
I guess it...
It would be nice not to have to wear them.
I remember this one time,
we were camping up in Wisconsin all summer.
Yeah, and things were going pretty good,
so Elsa extended our stay into the fall.
But when she did that,
our winter spot down in Tampa fell through
and we had to ride out the whole winter up there in the cold.
It was fun at first, 'cause most of those guys
had never seen snow before, but...
By January, everybody was shitting their pants
from the cold.
I went out hunting and...
Shot a rabbit.
Skinned it for a coat for ma petite.
You ever see those pictures in life magazines
of the African tribal warriors where the...
Where the whole head and the skin of a...
A lion, like a cloak?
That's what ma petite looked like.
Except...
...except it was with a rabbit head.
I can see it.
I can see that.
Man, I love that little broad.
Anyway...
Those were the best few months of my life,
because I was just a guy wearing gloves.
Just like every other guy.
Least I could pretend I was, you know?
Give me the gloves.
♪ And we belong together
♪ yes, we belong together...
You got nothing to be ashamed of.
If anyone looks at you funny,
I'll break their skulls.
Ah.
Unless it's a girl, right?
Unless it's a girl.
I don't feel good. I think
I got to go.
Oh.
I...
I know who you are.
I always known.
Hell, just the way mama hates you
tells me everything I need to know.
But I got proof.
I asked some of the old-timers,
the ones that have been around since Methuselah was a kid.
They told me about your dad
and your brothers.
The famous Toledo lobster clan.
I don't know why you don't got 'em.
But you gave me these.
But I want to hear you say it.
You're my father.
Say it.
Tell me.
Come on, say it, dad.
You're my dad.
Please, come on, ans...
Answer me.
Come on. Come on.
Yes, son.
It's true.
You got to go, dad.
They're gonna kill you.
It's okay.
I'll figure something out.
Yeah.
Let's get you home.
Come on, now. Let's go home.
Come on.
♪ Have you heard about the big strong man? ♪ ♪ strong man
♪ well, he lived in a caravan ♪ ♪ a caravan!
♪ Have you heard about the Jeffrey Johnson fight? ♪
♪ Oh, what a hell of a fight ♪
♪ You can take all the heavyweights you got ♪ that's right!
♪ We've got a lad who can beat the whole lot ♪
♪ Sylvest' hey, what do you got?
♪ He got a row of 40 medals on his chest ♪
Big chest! Big chest! Hey!
You two are drunk.
I won't have you wake up the entire camp
with your caterwauling.
Too late for that. Jimmy,
don't let that man corrupt you with his
bad habits.
You still got time to be somebody.
Aw, he is somebody.
He's my son.
Thought I wouldn't go through with that, did you, Dessi?
But I'm proud to admit it.
Jimmy's my son! Yeah!
Wow.
Congratulations, huh?
Must have taken real courage
to finally proclaim your progeny after 24 years.
Why don't you two go to bed and sleep it off.
You know, Jimmy,
this is the perfect time
for me to tell you something that my father told me.
What?
It's the Toledo code.
The first minute you let a woman tell you what to do
is the first minute you hand your balls to 'em.
I want to keep my balls.
You hold on to them, son.
Things are gonna change around here, Elsa.
No more bossing us around, okay?
You got two strong bulls here ready to run this whole joint.
That's right.
Ow.
Idiots.
Come on, come on.
Sing something else. Sing it! Shh.
Shh, shh. Sing it, baby!
Sing it.
Go.
Shh, quiet, Elsa.
Shh... you'll wake everybody up.
You don't want to wake anybody.
Shh. Shh!
Quiet!
Too loud.
Shh. Shh.
Be quiet, Elsa! Quiet.
So loud. Ha. Step up. All right.
You're all right.
Oh.
I'm gonna say something I never said before
in my whole life.
Good night, dad.
Do you say good night when it's the morning?
Good night, son.
Sleep tight.
Queer...
Isn't it?
How the first cigarette in the morning
is the best smoke all day.
You trying to be funny?
No.
But you are trying my patience.
All you've got right now is that box?
Were you there again?
With him?
Yes.
And I'm going back. For good. I just came home to pack.
You're gonna have to kill me to stop me.
You think I wouldn't?
I'm your only child. The only record of your sorry life
once you're gone. You're too vain to picture
a world without a piece of you in it.
I think you mistake my pride for vanity.
I'm an electrician.
Strangers welcome me into their homes
and leave me there alone to ply my trade.
A man like me is dead
if he doesn't come with a sterling reputation.
You are my blood,
but if you do something to shame me,
to shame this family,
I will do whatever it takes
to make sure no one ever knows you belonged to me.
Well...
...prepare for the shaming of your life,
because I am in love with Paul
and I'm gonna go live with him and his kind and I'm
gonna tell anybody that will listen to me
who I am and who my daddy is and that I chose
to be one of the outcasts, because anything
is better than living with the evil
that lives in this house.
You think a father doesn't know what his daughter's
gonna do before she does it?
I know I can't stop you.
And I'm not a murderer. But...
I did invite my friend Morris over
to give you a proper send-off.
Who the hell is Morris?
Morris is an artist.
Dot?
Oh.
Who do I remind you of?
Mother. She wore the same shade
of lipstick.
I bear a striking resemblance
to Eve Arden.
She was nominated for an academy award
for Mildred Pierce. Do you remember that movie?
"Loving her was like shaking hands with the devil."
Speaking of which...
Well, look at my beautiful girl.
Gladys, you are a true artist.
Bette has been transformed from a
caterpillar into a butterfly.
Careful... I am still here.
This is a first for me.
I've worked on lots of gals with double chins,
but never one with two heads.
But I don't judge...
Every client is different. Dot...
Sure you don't want me to give you a little touch-up?
I am happy being the caterpillar.
Thank you.
Dot, look in the mirror.
We make the perfect
before and after picture.
It can be our new act.
We'll call it "the metamorphosis."
Elsa,
you can be the fairy godmother who grants the wish
of the plain Jane... That's Dot...
And transforms her into the epitome of glamour.
That's me.
Well, how kind of you to include me in your number, huh?
Oh, you wave the wand, that's all you do.
Well, I'll go to work on it right away.
Let me know if there's anything else you might want.
I'm making a list.
Oh...
Gladys, I think the hair is too poofy on that side.
Don't push too hard now.
"My dear Dot.
"You hardly said a word during our negotiation,
"until you demanded your 50%.
"What would you want with the money,
"a bigger tent?
"A new car?
"Just tell me your heart's desire.
"You can trust me to help you.
"We are in this together.
Elsa."
Miss Elsa?
What do you want, liebchen?
Here, darling.
Make mama another one, okay?
The usual.
♪ Doesn't shine for us all
♪ always remember where twilight descent ♪
"Yes. I want something.
"There's a doctor in Chicago
"who separated the Brodie twins.
"His name is Dr. Oscar sugar.
"I want you to help me find him
"and convince him to perform the surgery.
Your secret is safe as long as I get what I want."
♪ Hold the key to your heart
♪ don't be afraid of what all
♪ that extends danke.
♪ Loneliness ends with love.
You're too much of a perfectionist.
Well, I have to be.
There can be no mistakes.
You see, human skin is a delicate canvas.
Uneven, textured,
sometimes scarred.
And she...
She is my masterpiece.
And she's waking up.
Where's a mirror? Right there.
I want to see the look on her face.
♪ Penny, Penny, open your eyes ♪
♪ Daddy's got a big surprise. ♪
Daddy, it hurts.
It hurts.
Beauty is painful, sweetheart.
Stick out your tongue.
I had it forked.
♪
So...
It's true what they say.
Stars really don't eat.
Okay, so let's get down to business.
I have a problem.
A serious situation.
The twins are back.
Not only are they back, but they are
hell-bent on destroying me.
Now, little miss sour face...
That's Dot... Ah.
...she wants to locate
a doctor in Chicago
whom she believes
can perform some hideous operation.
What I want to do is have you locate this doctor
and then we could send them up to Chicago.
They will be out of my life,
off my back forever.
Do you, uh...
Oh, no, go ahead.
Please, be my guest.
Just mulling.
This is good brain food, red meat.
I don't know.
Perhaps rather than some medical calamity,
which they believe is going to relieve them
of their psychic pain,
something more simple and less public.
Maybe life holds too much pain
and tragedy for those poor girls.
Wouldn't it be a better solution
if they could be quietly and easily relieved
of their misery?
What are you saying?
You know...
A mercy killing.
Those poor things.
Oh, that's quite a solution.
Yeah.
Did you know they killed their mother?
And then one of them
tried to kill the other.
I forget which is which... The two...
Dessert time.
My layered strawberry and lime jell-o mold
with marshmallows and fruit cocktail.
I'll put it right over here.
You guys can serve yourselves.
Can I get rid of some of this?
Um...
You're a regular Betty Crocker, Ethel.
You're too kind.
Enjoy.
Well...
Anyway.
You know...
I have heard about managers
who would kill for their clients.
Looks like I found one. Hmm?
Ma petite.
For you.
Would you like me to open it?
Pretty.
I can't wait to try it on.
Zip me.
Gorgeous.
Like a little princess.
Thank you.
Shh...
It's going to be all right.
I'm sorry.
Hello?
Who's there?
Show yourself.
Now!
Penny.
Oh, god.
This is my fault.
What have I done?
Oh.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Our esteemed board members
and our renowned faculty.
Tonight, we are proud to unveil the museum's latest acquisition.
A most rare specimen.
And while it did cost a pretty penny,
we trust that this new exhibit
will bring thousands of visitors
from around the globe.
Behold.
Mahadevi Patel.
The smallest woman in the world.