1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:10,760 ["A Hazy Shade Of Winter" by Simon and Garfunkel playing] 2 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:18,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 3 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,920 [Jeremy] Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. 4 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:46,600 It's been almost a year since the film crews were last here. 5 00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,200 But though the cameras stopped rolling, 6 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:53,400 life at Diddly Squat carried on. 7 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:00,040 And in amongst the familiar comings and goings, 8 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,120 there have been a few changes. 9 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:05,160 [bleating] 10 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:07,120 The ruinously expensive sheep 11 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,280 are now being looked after by an actual sheep farmer, 12 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:11,920 just down the road. 13 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,400 I provide the equipment and the sheep, 14 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:18,920 he does the work, and then we share the losses. 15 00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:22,440 We're growing a new crop, durum wheat, 16 00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,080 which is used to make pasta. 17 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,680 We've got millions more bees. 18 00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,880 And on the subject of pollination, 19 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,200 there's a new addition to the Diddly Squat community. 20 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,640 And then there's the farm shop, 21 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,800 which turned out to be rather more popular than we'd expected. 22 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:58,080 -[barking] -[overlapping conversations] 23 00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:01,760 [Lisa] And that's 6.72. 24 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:02,840 Thanks so much. 25 00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:04,720 Hi. How are you? 26 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,600 [honking] 27 00:02:11,040 --> 00:02:12,480 [Jeremy] Look. 28 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:13,600 It's full. 29 00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,160 [Kaleb] There's three spaces left. 30 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:19,440 [Jeremy] That's it. 31 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,720 Last week, the main road jammed up. 32 00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:25,160 -I was stuck in the traffic. -Yeah, for three hours. 33 00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:28,440 People couldn't get to be vaccinated at the health centre. 34 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,240 They couldn't get a crew for the fire station. 35 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,680 -[Kaleb] It's not good. -I know. 36 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:37,160 -If this backs up to the main road... -[Kaleb] We're gonna be stuck again. 37 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,800 [Jeremy] This meant we had to mow two acres of wheat 38 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:44,320 to make a car park, and even that wasn't enough. 39 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:48,280 I'm gonna be in there crying, when I'm mowing this. 40 00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,680 I know, I know. I am. 41 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,880 [Kaleb] Shall we not do it? 42 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,600 You're the boss. 43 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,840 But you said on ITV the other day you were the boss. 44 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,920 I am the boss on the farming side, but you're managing this bit. 45 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:03,000 Why don't you just do a bit here then? 46 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:04,760 You'll have to move everyone back then. 47 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,480 I just didn't think it through. 48 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,240 I didn't think this many people would come. 49 00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:29,680 [intriguing music] 50 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:33,640 [Jeremy] In truth, the farm shop issues would have to be dealt with by Lisa, 51 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,480 because I was too preoccupied with a timebomb 52 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:42,080 that was ticking on every single farm in the country. 53 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,160 [theme music playing] 54 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,800 First though, it was harvest time. 55 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,560 [Kaleb rapping] ♪ Yeo Valley, Yeo Valley ♪ 56 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,240 ♪ We changed the game That will never be the same ♪ 57 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:14,280 ♪ Yeo Valley, Yeo Valley ♪ 58 00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,720 ♪ Big up your chest Represent the West ♪ 59 00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:20,320 ♪ This isn't fictional farming It's realer than real... ♪ 60 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,200 Here we are. 61 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,600 My second harvest. 62 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:30,320 [Jeremy] Last year, the 520 acres of barley, wheat and rapeseed 63 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,440 had earned me the principal sum 64 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,920 of £144. 65 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,640 This time round, I was obviously hoping for more, 66 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:46,800 as we began in the barley fields with the all-important moisture test. 67 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,080 So hopefully we get all this barley finished today. 68 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:50,760 That would be good, wouldn't it? 69 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,640 [Jeremy] What, when you're not opening supermarkets 70 00:04:52,800 --> 00:04:55,080 and going on Celebrity Love Island? 71 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,360 I don't do Love Island. The other half doesn't like it. 72 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,040 -Right, what is it then? -I'm a Celeb. 73 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,000 -I'd love to see you in Australia. -That's probably the worst thing. 74 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,440 That's what I'll be most scared about, is actually leaving. 75 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:11,800 -You just don't wanna go to Australia. -[Kaleb] Yeah. If they come here... 76 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:12,920 [Jeremy laughs] 77 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:14,160 I'll do it. 78 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,120 "I'm a Celebrity and I'm in Chipping Norton, where I live." 79 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:22,160 Ready? 80 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:25,320 15.9. 81 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:30,720 [Jeremy] Since we weren't far off the magic number of 15.5, 82 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,120 we got on the phone to Simon. 83 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:37,760 And when he arrived in a brand-new combine, 84 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,480 I took another reading. 85 00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,600 15.3. That's good, isn't it? 86 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:45,520 [Simon] That's good. We're on. 87 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,520 [engine revving] 88 00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:58,840 Right, sunglasses. We're ready. 89 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:04,440 My gramp, who suddenly passed away, this is his tune. 90 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,920 The Who. He got me into it. 91 00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:09,360 ["Baba O'Riley" by The Who playing] 92 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,240 [he turns the sound up] 93 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,800 ♪ Out here in the fields ♪ 94 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,040 ♪ I fight for my meals ♪ 95 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:28,960 ♪ I get my back into my living ♪ 96 00:06:32,280 --> 00:06:34,840 ♪ I don't need to fight ♪ 97 00:06:36,680 --> 00:06:39,000 ♪ To prove I'm right ♪ 98 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:44,400 ♪ I don't need to be forgiven ♪ 99 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,280 It's been a year since I did this. 100 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,280 If I can remember anything. 101 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,840 ♪ Sally, take my hand ♪ 102 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,280 [Jeremy] There it is. 103 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,200 ♪ Put out the fire ♪ 104 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,160 -[Jeremy] Move! -[honk] 105 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,160 Oops! 106 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:12,480 [Kaleb] Has he parked in your way, Simon? 107 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:13,480 [Simon] Yeah. 108 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:15,160 There's a lot of traffic in this area. 109 00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:16,320 [laughs] 110 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,400 [Jeremy] The goal was to break the back of the barley today, 111 00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:28,560 but we'd only done a couple of loads before Kaleb was on the radio. 112 00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,120 [Kaleb] Moisture's coming out about 15.8. 113 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:34,320 15.5 is the level we need. 114 00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,680 We don't really wanna be going above. 115 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,240 [Jeremy] As the numbers seemed pretty marginal to me, 116 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:43,840 I sought advice from Britain's cheeriest land agent. 117 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:44,800 [dial tone] 118 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:45,920 [Charlie] Hello. 119 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:50,080 Charlie, hi, it's me. The last load we took in was 15.8. 120 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:54,000 [Charlie] Yeah, that's quite high. 121 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,400 So we're gonna have to stop? 122 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,640 [Charlie] Yeah. OK, that's frustrating. 123 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:00,640 Frustrating, definitely. 124 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:03,920 All right, thanks Charlie. I'll talk soon. 125 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:05,960 -[Charlie] OK, bye. -Bye. 126 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:09,040 Oh bloody hellfire. 127 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,760 Such a pain in the arse. 128 00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:14,760 What have we got? 129 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:18,640 Three trailer loads, that's it. 36 tons. 130 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,000 Just don't have the mentality to be a farmer. 131 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,800 I just lie in bed thinking barley's out there 132 00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:28,200 and it's gone past its best and I can't get it up. 133 00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:31,520 I don't mean I can't get it up, I mean... 134 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,720 I can't get the barley up. 135 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,960 [Jeremy] Kaleb and I took the last load to our storage area, 136 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:44,040 which annoyingly had received yet another visit from the local vandals. 137 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:47,760 That's the bund they burned last year, 138 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,760 and they've tried to burn this one this year. 139 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,160 I was talking to the police about it. 140 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,280 The rural crime police. 141 00:08:55,440 --> 00:08:57,960 They've had their Mitsubishi L200 taken away, 142 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:00,080 which they could chase baddies in, 143 00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:02,200 and they've been given a Vauxhall Corsa. 144 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:05,760 This is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, 145 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:07,760 the sixth richest country in the world. 146 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,080 How the fucking hell are they gonna catch anyone in a Corsa? 147 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,760 [Jeremy] Even more annoyingly, 148 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,640 because of the national shortage of lorry drivers, 149 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:21,080 we'd only managed to book one lorry to take the barley away. 150 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,760 That meant some of it would be left outside. 151 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,520 And the forecast for tomorrow was rain. 152 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:32,000 I'm pissed off. 153 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:34,600 How much have we got here? Five tons? 154 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:36,400 About four or five tons, yeah. 155 00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,640 [Jeremy] It's just gonna sit here and rot all weekend. 156 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,520 It's getting on for 750 quid's worth of barley 157 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,000 -just sitting here, being ruined. -[Kaleb] Yeah. 158 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,280 But the weather forecast could be wrong. Might be nice in the morning. 159 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,720 [Kaleb] We never know, do we? 160 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:56,720 [Jeremy] The next day, we did know. 161 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,200 Bloody hell. 162 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,080 [Charlie] I've just had a message from the grain merchant. 163 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,760 This is why we stopped last night. 164 00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:17,160 Load from tip this morning was 16.5% moisture. 165 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,520 There'll be drying charge of £9.75. 166 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:21,520 A ton? 167 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:24,840 A ton. And a weight loss of 4.5%. 168 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:27,880 So a ton and a half they're not gonna pay you for. 169 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:31,280 So they're charging you for the water, which is why we stopped last night. 170 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,200 [Jeremy] We've lost how much money? 171 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,880 [Charlie] So that would have cost 450 quid 172 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,640 -in basically merchant taxes. -And the 750 quid... 173 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,240 -[Charlie] Sitting in there. -Sitting getting soggier. 174 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,240 [Jeremy] But... 175 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:48,840 [intriguing music] 176 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,360 ...as frustrating as the harvest problems were, 177 00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,600 they were nothing compared to the issue now facing me 178 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:58,640 and every other farmer in the UK. 179 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,800 One that had been brewing since the tumultuous event 180 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,480 of June 2016. 181 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:08,520 [bell] 182 00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,200 There can be no doubt about the result. 183 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:14,840 The British people have spoken, and the answer is: we're out. 184 00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,640 [dramatic music] 185 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,560 [Jeremy] Farmers knew that Brexit meant 186 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,880 there'd be no more EU grants and subsidies. 187 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:25,400 But the British government told us not to worry. 188 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,000 We will guarantee the support for UK farming at its current level, 189 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:30,960 100%. 190 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,640 This government has provided a greater degree of certainty 191 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:38,560 on future support for farming than any government in the EU, 192 00:11:38,720 --> 00:11:40,360 let alone elsewhere in the world. 193 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:45,240 [Jeremy] However, these promises have so far rung hollow. 194 00:11:46,240 --> 00:11:47,840 [journalist] The government may be big on ambition, 195 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:52,160 but farmers say money and detail right now are in short supply. 196 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:54,960 [man] There's a lot of vagueness in those announcements. 197 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,360 We don't know what they're gonna pay for, how much. 198 00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,160 So what system am I gonna be in a year's time, 199 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:04,040 in two years' time, in five years' time? There's so much detail to be worked out. 200 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:05,680 -[journalist] Post-Brexit then. -Yeah. 201 00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,880 [journalist] Farmers, you better off or worse off? 202 00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,080 Worse off. 203 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,840 [Jeremy] This seismic issue now required 204 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,440 some decisive action from Charlie and me. 205 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:22,560 So we know that you are going to lose £82,000 a year in subsidy. 206 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:27,040 Over the next few years you will get zero pound per hectare. 207 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:30,520 All those direct subsidies are going. 208 00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:33,200 So there may well be some grants and subsidies, 209 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,320 but we don't know what they're going to be for yet? 210 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:40,240 We know that they have said "public money for public goods." 211 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:43,720 So they're gonna pay farmers to provide public good. 212 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:46,480 But it doesn't mean anything. That's just a slogan. 213 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:50,400 But there's absolutely no substance, at the moment, to those words. 214 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,960 Every farmer I've talked to is going, "We simply... 215 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:56,160 What are we supposed to do? What do you want us to grow? 216 00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,160 What do you not want us to grow?" 217 00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,800 Are they gonna ban glyphosate? They might. 218 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,400 -We don't know what they're going to do. -Yeah. 219 00:13:03,560 --> 00:13:05,520 It strikes me, it's like FIFA saying 220 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,280 "We're having new rules next year for football," 221 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,960 and all the teams are saying, "Well, what? 222 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,880 Are we having no goalkeepers? Are we having two balls on the pitch? 223 00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:16,160 Is it gonna be mixed, men and women? What's it gonna be?" 224 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:17,160 "We're just having new rules." 225 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:20,720 Then they go "There are new rules coming, we just don't know what they are." 226 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,680 Yeah, but the season starts next week! 227 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:24,000 Correct. 228 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:26,240 So there is some frustration. 229 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:29,520 Anyway, listen, we let the government potter, 230 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:32,160 have committee meetings, and select committee meetings 231 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,000 and all that nonsense. 232 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:35,960 Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of them. 233 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,720 So here's my plan. 234 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,000 Yeah. 235 00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:41,800 Cows. 236 00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:43,640 Cows ? 237 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,040 I know the sheep were a disaster. 238 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,040 Yeah. 239 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,400 -But cows... -Yeah. 240 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:54,600 -Because they do their number twos. -They do. 241 00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:56,760 On the fields, which is good for the soil. 242 00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:57,760 That's good. 243 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,960 Move them the next day and then you put hens 244 00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:01,400 onto the bit where they've pooed, 245 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:04,240 and the hens eat the worms out of the cow poo. 246 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,680 And trample all their faeces and the faeces of the cows 247 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:08,960 into the soil, making it good, 248 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:10,760 and then the next day move them and so on. 249 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:15,160 Until the whole farm, eventually, has been reinvigorated. 250 00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,560 It's a mob grazing enterprise, it comes from... 251 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:19,480 -It's all about the soil. -It's about the soil. 252 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:22,800 So you go back to sort of old-fashioned farming. 253 00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,040 -That's my plan. -Cows. 254 00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,560 Well cows, yes. 255 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:28,200 How many cows? 256 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,640 I don't know. 257 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,120 Well cows might get tuberculosis because of all the badgers. 258 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:34,880 We're in quite a high-risk area. 259 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,840 Right, kill the badgers. 260 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:39,880 -We can't kill the badgers. -Why can't we kill the badgers? 261 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:41,160 Cause it's not allowed. 262 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,280 But if they're killing the cows. 263 00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,160 You still can't kill a badger. 264 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,040 We'll get across that bridge. 265 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,360 And here's my next plan. 266 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,840 Ready? 267 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:57,520 Turn the lambing barn, which we don't need anymore, into a restaurant. 268 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,640 And sell the beef in there. 269 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,960 Our own beef, slaughtered down the road, 270 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,760 to be cooked and served in a restaurant where you sit down and you have... 271 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,560 We'll have lamb as well, because we still have the sheep. 272 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,160 So we have beef or lamb. We have our own potatoes. 273 00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:14,160 Yeah. 274 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:17,040 We have the flour for the gravy, the mint for the mint sauce, 275 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,720 the horseradish growing just here. 276 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:22,080 We've got durum wheat so we can make our own pasta. 277 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:27,240 A restaurant where everything, everything you eat in it 278 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,800 was produced at Diddly Squat. 279 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,040 Brilliant. 280 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,560 -The detail of getting it all there... -Yes, look at that. 281 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,120 The picture on the... look at that. 282 00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,400 That's what we want. Friesians. 283 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,080 -Dairy cows. When you said "eat them..." -What? 284 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:46,640 When you said "eat them," That's a dairy cow. 285 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,640 There's a lot of cost in setting up a restaurant. 286 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,240 I don't know anything about restaurants. 287 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:53,280 -Yeah, they come and they go. -Yes. 288 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:56,560 There's an 80% failure rate, but I've got a plan on that: 289 00:15:56,720 --> 00:15:58,480 be one of the 20%. 290 00:15:58,680 --> 00:15:59,560 [laughs] 291 00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:03,560 I know, it's all here. It's all here. You've gotta be excited. 292 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:04,520 I just... 293 00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,440 So anyway, that is my plan. 294 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,840 -You want me to find some cows? -Yeah. 295 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,320 [lively music] 296 00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,480 [Jeremy] While Charlie went cow shopping, I got back to harvesting. 297 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,320 Except I didn't. 298 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:21,800 Because for the next four days it rained just enough 299 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,040 to make the crops constantly moist. 300 00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:27,360 [lively music continues] 301 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:35,600 So, assuming today would be another write off... 302 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:37,440 Fucking hell. 303 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,680 That was one hell of a slash in this. 304 00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:44,680 [Jeremy] ...I decided to change all the tyres on my tractor. 305 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,960 So the funny thing, that air's probably 14 years old, and German. 306 00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:56,080 Do you want a hand? He said, hoping you'd say no. 307 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:57,320 [laughs] 308 00:16:57,520 --> 00:16:59,320 [car approaching] 309 00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,120 [Jeremy] What do you think of that? 310 00:17:07,320 --> 00:17:11,080 What the fuck are you doing? The corn's ready. 311 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,080 What? 312 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:14,640 [Kaleb] The corn is all ready. We need to go now. 313 00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,440 What are you doing? 314 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,720 You should have done this through the winter. 315 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,160 -This is like winter jobs. -They weren't slicks in the winter. 316 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,080 [Kaleb] I'll see you in about an hour then? 317 00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:26,680 [Jeremy] Why don't you go and get started? 318 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,400 Yeah, I'll go and get started and hold the fort. 319 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:30,960 And you just fuck around doing this. 320 00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,080 [Jeremy] Seeing that I was in trouble, 321 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,440 the fitters got the new tyres on in record time. 322 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,800 And then I went to hitch up my trailer, 323 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:48,080 hoping that this time there wouldn't be the usual cack-handed palaver. 324 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:51,000 Right. 325 00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:53,880 [buzzing] 326 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:57,080 [buzzing continues] 327 00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,040 No. 328 00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:02,560 Oh shit. 329 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:04,680 Pete? 330 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:07,040 [Pete] Yeah. 331 00:18:07,560 --> 00:18:08,920 What's up? 332 00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,640 [Jeremy] Is that yellow prong thing coming out at the back? 333 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,280 -No. -What about now? 334 00:18:16,440 --> 00:18:17,560 No. 335 00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:18,920 Now? 336 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,000 No. 337 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,320 Now? 338 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:22,680 No. 339 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:27,560 Oh dear God, please don't let him come back here and find this going on again. 340 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:43,200 You put that in here. 341 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,320 It's totally safe. 342 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:46,640 And then... 343 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,280 [man] You've spent the last year telling me how dangerous this is. 344 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,040 The backs of tractors are, but that's why we're using a crowbar. 345 00:18:52,240 --> 00:18:53,080 Right. 346 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,240 Hold it there, and I'm now gonna just keep... 347 00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,680 [buzzing] 348 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,320 -Is it coming out, the hook? -No. 349 00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,080 -[Jeremy] No? -No. 350 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,280 -[Jeremy] No? -No. 351 00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:12,480 You still haven't done it? 352 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,160 Just talk me through this. 353 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:16,400 Let's just see what I've been doing wrong. 354 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:19,040 But don't shout at me, cause I've tried my hardest. 355 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,800 -OK. Right, ready? -Yeah. 356 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:24,080 -[Kaleb] Hold the stop button. -Yes. 357 00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:25,480 Now press up. 358 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,080 Now press down. 359 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,800 -[Jeremy] Has that thing come out now? -[Kaleb] Yeah. 360 00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,000 Well why-- I'm so properly cross 'cause that didn't... 361 00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,240 [upbeat music] 362 00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:41,680 [Jeremy] Having hitched my trailer 363 00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:45,800 we could now finally get back to some harvesting. 364 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,800 [upbeat music continues] 365 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:55,320 Sun shining, come on, keep drying. Keep drying. 366 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,920 First things first... 367 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,560 we've harvested a small child. 368 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:20,880 That's almost certainly going to go on the news, isn't it? 369 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:24,520 "Jeremy Clarkson has minced a child." 370 00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,280 "Burberry." 371 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:28,200 A working-class child. 372 00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,880 You see, here's the problem, look. 373 00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:37,240 This barley has been sitting here and it's started to sprout, 374 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,080 germinate, grow. 375 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,080 Look at that. Look. 376 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:45,760 This is... 377 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,560 Ugh, absolutely soaking. 378 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,560 Kaleb says what I've got to do is spread it all out on the concrete pad, 379 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:56,200 using the telehandler 380 00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,320 and then put the new stuff I've just harvested on top of it, 381 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,680 and then it'll all get mixed together in the lorry, 382 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:06,800 and the average will be OK. 383 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,080 [lively music] 384 00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:11,320 [back-up beeper] 385 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,480 [Jeremy laughs] 386 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,920 I reckon I've found something in farming that I'm good at. 387 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,240 [back-up beeper] 388 00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,920 He's going to say you didn't do this. 389 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,240 [man] Weren't you supposed to take the green bits out first? 390 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,200 What? 391 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:36,680 Weren't you supposed to remove the green bits before you did it? 392 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,040 Who said that? 393 00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:40,560 -Kaleb. -No, he didn't. Did he? 394 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,160 Yeah. 395 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,040 -[Kaleb] You've actually done a good job. -[shouts happily] 396 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,320 [laughs] 397 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,400 -[Jeremy] Is that good enough? -[Kaleb] That's not bad. 398 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:55,880 Well I've done it. I took all of the shoots out first. 399 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:56,840 Good job. 400 00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,880 [mouthing] 401 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,800 [epic music] 402 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,520 [Jeremy] We pushed on. 403 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:11,360 And in the next couple of days managed to get the remaining barley harvested. 404 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,240 And all the rapeseed. 405 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,000 Before rain stopped play again. 406 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:22,200 But luckily, I could make good use of the time. 407 00:22:22,360 --> 00:22:26,160 Because Charlie had found me some cows to look at. 408 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:29,960 [Jeremy] So these-- Are we buying lady cows or man cows? 409 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:32,160 [Charlie] The breeding cows clearly would be female. 410 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,160 [Jeremy] Yeah. 411 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:37,120 [Charlie] But they also have some animals that we can fatten to kill. 412 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,040 -So some of those could be boy cows... -Correct. 413 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,840 They're boys before they become bulls. Are they called bullocks? 414 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,760 They're called bullocks. Because they don't have bollocks. 415 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:51,280 -[Jeremy] Why not? -They castrate them. Safer handling. 416 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:52,280 [Jeremy] What? 417 00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:54,720 It's safer to handle a male cow 418 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,960 if it doesn't have testicles. 419 00:22:58,120 --> 00:22:59,360 [Jeremy] That doesn't make any sense. 420 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,960 If somebody cut my balls off I wouldn't be safe to handle. 421 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,040 But you're not producing the amount of testosterone 422 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,360 a bull would be producing. 423 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:10,040 [Jeremy] Lisa says, "Can we get some with long eyelashes?" 424 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,600 I'm not sure she's cut out for this farming life. 425 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:14,560 Long eyelashes? 426 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,520 She said: "I want them to have long eyelashes." 427 00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,160 [Charlie] We can get some long eyelashes. 428 00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,800 [Jeremy] Eventually we arrived at Tim the cow breeder's farm, 429 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:25,520 in Northamptonshire. 430 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:28,000 [engine revving far away] 431 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,840 [Jeremy] Is that Silverstone, making that racket? 432 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:33,120 Yeah. I thought you'd be able to get to switch off for the day. 433 00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:35,160 Is it always that loud? 434 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,480 -[Tim] Yeah. -Most days. 435 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,160 [Jeremy] Bloody cars, honestly. 436 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,440 Oh, look at you! 437 00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,360 -[Tim] That's a steer. -[Carrie] These are the steers. 438 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,720 What's a steer? 439 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,120 [Charlie] It's a male with no bollocks. 440 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,680 -[Jeremy] Right. -No balls. 441 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:56,000 -[Jeremy] So these are for eating? -[Tim] These are for eating. 442 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,880 [Jeremy] Right, so these are breeding? 443 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,080 -[Charlie] Yeah. -[Tim] These are all breeding. 444 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:01,720 [Jeremy] So these are not going to be eaten. 445 00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:04,320 You can give these ones names and everything. 446 00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:09,960 I've never... It's like being in a public convenience. 447 00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:11,000 [laughs] 448 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,680 [Jeremy] Do they ever stop? Look at them, they're both at it. 449 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:16,480 Oh, it's just... Look at it. 450 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,080 [Carrie] You end up with a lot of muck. 451 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:22,120 -[Charlie] That's what we want. -[Carrie] Muck's good. 452 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,480 I want that on the fields, 'cause it saves me using quite so much nitrogen. 453 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:28,160 That's why I had the idea. 454 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:31,960 And then I thought, Boris has done the deal now with Australia. 455 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,640 No good can come of that, as far as I can see. 456 00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:35,960 [Tim] No, not at all. 457 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:38,200 -Cheap, rubbish beef coming in. -Correct. 458 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,480 If we get grass fed beef, then I open a restaurant, 459 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:43,720 so I don't have to worry about competing with the Australians. 460 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,800 This shorthorn basically, not just saying it, 461 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,160 but it'll be some of the best stuff you've eaten. 462 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,120 -Really? -Yeah. 463 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:51,720 [mooing] 464 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,240 You're great. You've got a good face. 465 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:58,160 Jeremy, don't big them up. Remember, we've got to agree a price. 466 00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,240 -I know, I just like that one's face. -Keep going, keep going. 467 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:05,080 [Jeremy] Pleasantries over, it was time to choose what to buy, 468 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:08,400 which I assumed would be fairly straightforward. 469 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,200 So there's four cows and calves in here. Four cows and calves in there. 470 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:15,760 So that would give us some experienced cows with calves at foot. 471 00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:18,000 And then they'll be ready at Christmastime. 472 00:25:18,200 --> 00:25:19,280 In another year. 473 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,440 -Oh? -[Tim] They're only babies. 474 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,520 That's why we need some other ones... 475 00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:24,960 These will be a year? 476 00:25:25,120 --> 00:25:26,720 -So it's this time-- -Yeah. 477 00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,440 So that's why we need to get some others. 478 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,120 This is quite complicated, isn't it? 479 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:33,080 So we need to be able to get some... 480 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,920 We need the cows that we start to get pregnant next spring. 481 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,440 -[Tim] They'll be calving next spring. -No, getting pregnant then. 482 00:25:41,600 --> 00:25:44,280 -They calve and then... -Sorry, calving next spring. 483 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,000 -[Jeremy] So we want 12 cows. -[Charlie] 12 cows. 484 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,960 [Tim] No, we've got 8 cows here. 485 00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,120 -How many have we got here? -[inaudible] 486 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,880 Eight cows here with calves at foot. 487 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:56,720 And we might have some heifers. 488 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:58,600 And then the heif-- 489 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:02,720 No, the heifers are going to be ready to eat before the calves. 490 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,200 No, the heifers will be your breeding stock. 491 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,400 So they'll be in calf. So then that makes up your 12. 492 00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,720 We'll get the steers for the breeding-- for the fattening. 493 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,040 Don't worry, I know what we're getting. 494 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:17,840 [comical music] 495 00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,200 [Jeremy] It was then time to discuss the price 496 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:23,000 for whatever it was I was buying. 497 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:25,160 [Jeremy] How much is a cow? 498 00:26:25,360 --> 00:26:29,800 Cow and calf units like this have gotta be in the region of 2,200. 499 00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:32,720 [Jeremy] Well that would mean they're the same as a sort of... 500 00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,240 Get an Alfa 159 for that. 501 00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:36,880 Don't know what that is. 502 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,320 Alfa Romeo 159. 503 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,160 How can you live in Silverstone and not know what... 504 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:44,480 There's a lot of risk involved in that, you've gotta get it, feed it. 505 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:46,680 It might die, the young thing. 506 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:49,720 -That's like an Alfa Romeo. -You might crash your Alfa Romeo. 507 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,920 -[Charlie] Yeah, exactly. -No, it'll just die of its own. 508 00:26:52,120 --> 00:26:53,720 And how much is a heifer? 509 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,600 [Tim] Those heifers? Round the £1,800 mark. 510 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,400 -1,800? -[Tim] Gotta be. 511 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:01,680 -Hang on a minute. -I'm getting my calculator out. 512 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:05,960 -So we'd have 20 in total. 20 animals. -Correct. 513 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,480 [Jeremy] Right. 514 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,000 It's £25,000. 515 00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:10,920 I think we can do a bit better than that. 516 00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:14,400 Cow calf £2,000. 517 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,440 -Two one? -Two. 518 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:18,680 Two then. 519 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:20,320 [Jeremy] We haven't discussed the heifers. 520 00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:22,280 The heifers are a bit too much. 521 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:24,560 I can't let them go less than 1,500. 522 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,280 -1,250. -[Tim] 1,500. Gotta be. 523 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:28,640 [Jeremy] Do you include delivery? 524 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:32,080 -Yeah. -That's quite handy. 525 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:33,840 1,450, delivered. 526 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:34,920 Done. 527 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,080 [Jeremy] Done. What is done? 1,450? 528 00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,160 -[Charlie] We've been done. -We've been done. 529 00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:40,520 [Jeremy] Let's shake on that then. 530 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,560 I don't know what we're shaking on or what I've just bought. 531 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:47,280 [upbeat music] 532 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:52,360 [Jeremy] The next morning it was still too wet to harvest the wheat. 533 00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:56,400 So I got Alan the builder over to talk him through my ideas 534 00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,840 for the farm shop and restaurant. 535 00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:00,880 [Jeremy] It's rained every day. 536 00:28:01,040 --> 00:28:03,360 Not much, just enough to wet the crops. 537 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,040 [Jeremy] At the moment there were benches and tables in the barn 538 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,720 so that visitors to the shop could have a sandwich and admire the view. 539 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,520 But with the restaurant, I wanted to go further. 540 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:16,920 [Jeremy] So here's my plan. 541 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,640 -Gotta obviously concrete the floor. -Yeah. 542 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:22,640 -[Jeremy] Bogs in that corner. -Yes. 543 00:28:22,840 --> 00:28:26,520 Then that's the kitchen, that's panelled. 544 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:27,480 -Yeah. -Yeah. 545 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:28,800 -Solid. -Yeah. 546 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:29,760 Yeah. 547 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:33,400 Then everything here, all the way along, is glass. 548 00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,240 So you're here... 549 00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,440 Yeah, fantastic view. 550 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:39,160 -Forest of Wychwood. -Yeah. 551 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:43,240 Obviously this is going to allow weather in. 552 00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,720 [Alan] We're gonna have to clad it, ain't we? 553 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,800 [Jeremy] This was Alan's cue to become even more baffling 554 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,000 than a cow salesman. 555 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:53,120 On your other roof there, the tin roof, 556 00:28:53,280 --> 00:28:54,560 it's a sandwich, insulation, 557 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:56,600 so it all comes off, all goes back on, 558 00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:59,000 then batten it across, then back down. 559 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,320 We'll leave the roof on, but we'll insulate in between. 560 00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:04,360 Then put the boards underneath, with a vapour barrier, 561 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,960 it can blow through and get behind and come down then. 562 00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:09,040 They'll probably use castle board in. 563 00:29:09,240 --> 00:29:11,520 You've got this one a bit wider, then the other one'll be in front. 564 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:13,840 So it looks like a turret of a castle. 565 00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:17,080 See if that fired through there, down, down the back of the tin, 566 00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:18,160 come straight out. 567 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,800 The only thing is they're treated, they're took away. 568 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:23,640 You'll have to get them treated. Won't last two years, will it? 569 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:26,840 You're having a Klargester out here. You're having a Klargester. 570 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,880 A septic tank in a Klargester out there, a BioDisc. 571 00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:35,360 [Jeremy] After this barrage came the inevitable comedy quote. 572 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:39,120 -Could you just let me have some idea... -Yeah. 573 00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,360 Do you have any idea now? 574 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,680 -250,000. -No, it isn't. 575 00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,440 Gotta be, hasn't it? 576 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,480 All the glass has to be double glazed. 577 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:50,960 All have to be up to building reg safety, 578 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:52,560 you've got all them people coming in here. 579 00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:56,080 I know you're talking, 'cause I can see your mouth moving. 580 00:29:56,280 --> 00:29:57,080 [laughs] 581 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:00,320 But all I can sense is my insides shrivelling 582 00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:02,560 at the way you phrased it, 583 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:04,560 250,000. 584 00:30:04,720 --> 00:30:08,840 So I've just translated that to quarter of a million pounds. 585 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,840 To effectively line a barn that's already here. 586 00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:15,520 [laughs] 587 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,200 Alan. 588 00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:21,320 You drive round the corner, get into your S Class. 589 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:22,840 Potter home. 590 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:24,200 Well, I say "potter", 591 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,240 -your driver takes you home. -Oh yeah! 592 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,680 It ain't a problem, obviously, we'll get the drawing. 593 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:30,400 It is a problem, it's a lot of money. 594 00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:31,880 Yeah, it's gotta be... 595 00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,360 Tweet it up, sharpen the pencil, go through it properly. 596 00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:36,560 -[Alan] Let's get it to a right figure. -[Jeremy] I've gotta get back. 597 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,320 We're doing moisture tests. 598 00:30:38,480 --> 00:30:40,840 Might actually get some harvesting in today. 599 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,520 If it stays dry, yeah. 600 00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:44,960 [classical music] 601 00:30:45,120 --> 00:30:47,880 [Jeremy] As it happened, it did stay dry. 602 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,360 -15.4. -That'll do. 603 00:30:50,560 --> 00:30:52,000 Let's do this! 604 00:30:52,200 --> 00:30:55,400 [classical music continues] 605 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:11,040 We should say on our bread in the shop, "May contain trace elements of earwig." 606 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:25,880 [Simon] Where I am now it's very good, but I'm hoping it's gonna get better. 607 00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:28,840 It looks a bit thicker out, a bit taller out there. 608 00:31:29,000 --> 00:31:31,600 Poshest combine driver in the world, Simon. 609 00:31:31,800 --> 00:31:35,360 He once went into McDonald's, and asked for the cutlery. 610 00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,440 -What? -He went into McDonald's 611 00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,000 and asked for the knives and forks. 612 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:42,720 [laughter] 613 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:50,080 Is that earwig dust? 614 00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:53,880 Imagine being an earwig, then all of a sudden "My God!" 615 00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:54,840 [imitates engine] 616 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,400 [Jeremy] It's through the red thing. Then you're in the hopper. 617 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,320 You think: "My God, it's terrifying." Then the fan starts, 618 00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,360 and blows you miles in the sky, 619 00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:05,480 'cause if you're only an inch long and you go 20 feet up, 620 00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,880 it's like us being blasted into space. 621 00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:11,160 Then you're shot, you go: "I'm flying, I'm literally flying!" 622 00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:14,840 And then you're in the back of a trailer, and then you're carted off 623 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,000 to the flour mill, 624 00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:20,600 where you're ground down. It's a horrible end. 625 00:32:20,800 --> 00:32:23,600 They asked for more protein in the wheat. We gave them that. 626 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:25,240 [Jeremy] We have given them protein. 627 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:28,200 It's like a keema naan, our bread. 628 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,280 What's a "keeman an"? 629 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:33,080 [Jeremy] Indian restaurant? 630 00:32:34,320 --> 00:32:36,040 You've never been to an Indian restaurant ? 631 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:37,920 I haven't. 632 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:40,440 [Jeremy] There are restaurants where you can get curry. 633 00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:41,840 Yeah. 634 00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:46,320 You know, he described his baby the other day as foreign. 635 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:47,960 He was born in Oxford! 636 00:32:48,160 --> 00:32:49,680 [laughs] 637 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,880 I was born in Chipping Norton, as well as all my family. 638 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,280 And my son is born in Oxford. He's foreign. 639 00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:58,440 Foreign! 640 00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,400 [lively music] 641 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,200 [Jeremy] The weather held. 642 00:33:06,480 --> 00:33:08,560 And two long days later, 643 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,280 we were down to the last of the wheat fields. 644 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,320 So, as is the tradition round here, 645 00:33:15,520 --> 00:33:17,840 the head of security turned up 646 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:19,880 to put in his shift. 647 00:33:21,520 --> 00:33:24,520 'Cause even if it ain't fit, then at least I can do another bag 648 00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,320 and you can cope with one load grain, can't you? 649 00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,720 But you won't have to if you can't go on. 650 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:30,760 [Kaleb] Yeah. 651 00:33:33,000 --> 00:33:34,840 [laughs] 652 00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:37,960 What is this? Is this his 52nd harvest here? 653 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:41,320 52... No, it's 51. I reckon this is 54. 654 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:45,040 I'll ask him. Actually there's no point, is there? 655 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,640 [intriguing music] 656 00:33:47,840 --> 00:33:50,000 Workers of the world, here we go. 657 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:54,200 Look at this, it's the A Team now. 658 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,920 Gerald on combine. 659 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:58,800 Kaleb and Jeremy on tractors. 660 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,200 [Jeremy] Before we could get going though, 661 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,960 Simon's new high-tech combine 662 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:07,000 started making noises at Gerald. 663 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,040 [beeping] 664 00:34:13,280 --> 00:34:15,840 [Gerald] Sorry, man, I got this... [indistinct] 665 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,160 It's making sound... 666 00:34:18,400 --> 00:34:21,600 I can't stop it buzzing. How do you stop it? 667 00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,080 [beeping] 668 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,800 [Simon] Hi Gerald, it's Simon. What's the problem? 669 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:29,600 [Gerald] Yeah, I think it's gone... [indistinct] 670 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:33,520 [Gerald continues speaking indistinctly] 671 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,360 As the sun goes down in the evening, I can't do it. 672 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,520 -I mean, how... -[Gerald] Can you hear me, Si? 673 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,680 [Simon] Yeah, I've got you. Can you hear me? 674 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:51,680 [Gerald] Yeah, I said if you just take... [indistinct] 675 00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,120 [laughs] 676 00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:57,320 [Simon] There's a cross, just press that cross. 677 00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:58,640 [beeping] 678 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:00,520 [beeping] 679 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:04,160 [Gerald] It's always been... [indistinct] 680 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,840 Last year you went to... [indistinct] 681 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,200 -[Kaleb] Press the escape button. -[Gerald] Press what? 682 00:35:11,400 --> 00:35:13,640 [Kaleb] Press the escape button, Gerald. 683 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,440 Put my clothes in a plastic bag! 684 00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:19,320 [Gerald continues speaking indistinctly] 685 00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:21,640 That'll make... [indistinct] 686 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:23,880 Oh, Diddly Squat Farm. 687 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,440 [Jeremy] Eventually, the farm's tech-savvy foetus 688 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,680 went in to sort out the problem. 689 00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:36,280 Yeah, I have a bit of room there, but for about the first 10 or 12 years. 690 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:38,840 [Kaleb] It's gotta be firm. One press off. 691 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:45,120 [Jeremy] And as evening fell, 692 00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,640 we finished gathering in the last of the wheat. 693 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:55,600 Right, that's it, the harvest of 2021 is in 694 00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:58,200 and now... cows! 695 00:36:02,480 --> 00:36:04,480 [upbeat music] 696 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:11,280 [Jeremy] Right. Here. 697 00:36:15,480 --> 00:36:18,120 -What are you doing? -I'm getting fully gloved-up for this. 698 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:21,320 I do not like creosote, after it got in my eye that time. 699 00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:23,840 Such a snowflake, it's just unbelievable. 700 00:36:24,000 --> 00:36:24,880 [Kaleb] Snowflake. 701 00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:26,160 -You are a snowflake. -I'm not! 702 00:36:26,360 --> 00:36:27,600 Look, I'm holding creosote... 703 00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:31,920 [Jeremy] I could have carried on with this generation gap debate for hours, 704 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,280 but Kaleb and I needed to fence off a field for the new cows. 705 00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:39,920 And I really didn't fancy putting in 706 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,960 280 fence posts 707 00:36:42,120 --> 00:36:44,480 using his medieval man killer. 708 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:47,200 [lively music] 709 00:36:47,880 --> 00:36:49,080 [Kaleb] Higher. 710 00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,520 [Jeremy] So I hired some internal combustion instead. 711 00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:02,680 [Kaleb laughs] 712 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,920 What this is, is the end of your business. 713 00:37:06,080 --> 00:37:06,880 Wow. 714 00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,640 Because why would you ever employ 715 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,280 a fencing contractor 716 00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:14,640 when you have the Solo Track? 717 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:16,040 OK. 718 00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:19,280 Good point. Solo Track. So that means you're gonna be doing it on your own. 719 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,520 Once you've explained to me how these things work. 720 00:37:21,640 --> 00:37:24,760 -Then I can go home? -Just explain how it works. 721 00:37:24,960 --> 00:37:28,640 Turn it round and then park it there, and we'll reverse it down the line. 722 00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:32,440 Stop. 723 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,640 [Jeremy] After getting the machine into position 724 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:39,120 and putting on some snowflake PPE, we began. 725 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,680 Right, drop that down on that. 726 00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:43,640 Whoa! 727 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,520 [Jeremy] That is one hell of a machine, isn't it? 728 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:49,360 [Kaleb] Beautiful. 729 00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:52,600 [Jeremy] And this tracked Swiss army knife 730 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,560 had even more tricks up its sleeve. 731 00:37:57,080 --> 00:37:59,160 [Kaleb] Keep going, keep going, keep going. 732 00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,880 -[Jeremy] Is that tense? -That's all tense down there now. 733 00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:05,280 Keep going. 734 00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:08,160 Holding it tight. 735 00:38:09,320 --> 00:38:11,800 -[Jeremy] What if it snaps? -It will hurt. 736 00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:20,320 [Kaleb] Do you want me to clear it off? 737 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,560 [Jeremy] Good job you're wearing a safety helmet. 738 00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:25,640 Good job you're a snowflake. 739 00:38:25,880 --> 00:38:28,000 Or are you Gen X? What are you? 740 00:38:28,160 --> 00:38:29,440 What do you mean? 741 00:38:29,600 --> 00:38:31,560 Were you born in the 20th century? 742 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:34,000 No. 1998. 743 00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,000 That's... 744 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,120 The 20th century, that's 2000 onwards, isn't it? 745 00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:42,400 No, we're in the 21st century now. 746 00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:45,440 Are we? 747 00:38:46,080 --> 00:38:48,200 [soft music] 748 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,680 [Jeremy] The following day, the fencing was complete, 749 00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:59,840 just in time for the arrival of our new Diddly Squat residents. 750 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:02,960 [Jeremy] Oh wow, snazzy lorry. 751 00:39:03,600 --> 00:39:05,640 -[Charlie] That is, isn't it? -Yeah. 752 00:39:05,840 --> 00:39:07,800 [cows mooing] 753 00:39:07,960 --> 00:39:09,160 Listen. 754 00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:16,640 Sadly Kaleb's not here to see this 'cause he's had to go home to put his dog down. 755 00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:18,400 Bloody awful. 756 00:39:19,040 --> 00:39:19,840 [Tim] OK. 757 00:39:20,040 --> 00:39:20,920 Welcome. 758 00:39:22,120 --> 00:39:23,920 Look, your new house! 759 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:25,520 So that's calf. 760 00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:26,800 [Charlie] Yep. 761 00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,560 -And this is their mothers. -Yeah. 762 00:39:31,080 --> 00:39:33,440 [Jeremy] Look at them. This is tremendous. 763 00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:35,800 [mooing] 764 00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:38,000 So, you're a lady cow. 765 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:40,400 You're a man cow. 766 00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:41,840 Lady cow. 767 00:39:43,360 --> 00:39:44,640 Lady cow. 768 00:39:45,680 --> 00:39:49,000 I've always been slightly scared of cows, I'll be honest. 769 00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,160 You don't look scary at all. Look at your hair! 770 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:54,760 I looked it up and actually, 771 00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:58,640 a lot of people are killed by cows every year. 772 00:39:58,800 --> 00:39:59,960 A lot! 773 00:40:00,120 --> 00:40:02,840 I mean mostly ramblers, which obviously is... 774 00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:04,120 fine. 775 00:40:06,760 --> 00:40:08,280 This is properly satisfying. 776 00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:10,960 I know the sheep were satisfying when they first arrived, 777 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:13,160 and they quickly became unsatisfying, 778 00:40:13,320 --> 00:40:16,680 but I can't see these being a nuisance. 779 00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:18,760 [theme music playing] 780 00:40:19,760 --> 00:40:21,000 [Kaleb] Cows are out! 781 00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:22,360 [Jeremy] Oh shit! 782 00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:24,160 God, where are you? Fern! 783 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,320 -[cows mooing] -[Kaleb] Fucking hell! 784 00:40:29,600 --> 00:40:31,840 [theme music playing] 785 00:40:32,305 --> 00:41:32,315 -== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==-