1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,920 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:15,074 -== [ www.OpenSubtitles.org ] ==- 3 00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:26,120 ["Shake That Thing" by Winfield Parker playing] 4 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,360 [Jeremy] I was now eager for Alan the builder to start turning 5 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:32,080 the lambing barn into a restaurant. 6 00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,440 But before he could start work, 7 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:39,320 I had to get approval from the local authority. 8 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,640 [Jeremy] I'm here now to meet 9 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:48,520 with the woman who runs the planning department 10 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:50,920 at West Oxfordshire council. 11 00:00:51,080 --> 00:00:52,480 So I'm going to... 12 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:53,680 She doesn't wanna be filmed. 13 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:56,640 They're gonna park cameras and sound recorders and everything 14 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,920 and go in there, 'cause this... 15 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,560 this really matters, this meeting. 16 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,640 If I get this wrong, she says no, effectively, 17 00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:09,280 my plan for the year is in tatters. 18 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:11,120 Yeah, here she is. 19 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,080 Nice to meet you. 20 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,040 Thank you for coming out. 21 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,200 [Jeremy] The meeting, which also included grown-ups 22 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:20,720 from other departments, 23 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,600 lasted for more than an hour. 24 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:24,920 And when it was over, 25 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:29,480 Charlie and I had to work out where we now stood. 26 00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,920 [Jeremy] So the man from the business side, 27 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,120 the economic development at the council who we just met, 28 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:41,680 he's very much in favour of it, bringing loads of people to the area. 29 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,280 -But Joan, planning Joan... -Yeah. 30 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:47,640 She was very clear: recognise the sensitivity of the site. 31 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:49,120 [Jeremy] She's worried about the fact 32 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,800 this is an area of outstanding natural beauty, 33 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:52,800 doesn't like the car park, 34 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:54,920 doesn't like the mess out there. 35 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,160 I don't blame her, it's awful. 36 00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:58,440 And doesn't like the lavatories. 37 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:00,120 -I get all that. -[Charlie] Yeah. 38 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,880 As I understood it, her chief concern was: 39 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,160 the locals. 40 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:08,560 The locals, we've gotta do some engagement. 41 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:13,720 You have to engage in a positive manner with them, Jeremy, definitely. 42 00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:15,880 [chuckles] 43 00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:20,000 ["The Village Green Preservation Society" by The Kinks playing] 44 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,080 [Jeremy] This is the village, a mile or so from the lambing barn, 45 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:27,720 where my battle would be fought: Chadlington. 46 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,680 [music continues] 47 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:36,880 It was the people living here who, 48 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,760 after the first season aired, 49 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,160 had been most annoyed by the shop's popularity. 50 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:46,920 [indistinct chatter] 51 00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:52,120 To try and cheer them up, 52 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:54,680 I decided to launch Operation Hearts and Minds, 53 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,000 which would begin here, 54 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,880 in my wildflower meadows. 55 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:03,680 [Jeremy] Morning. 56 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,600 So, what have we got here? 57 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,160 [Jeremy] For the last two years I've been donating 58 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:12,640 half my wildflower seeds to a horticultural association. 59 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:17,440 Now, though, I was going to hold some back to give to the village. 60 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:21,840 This is my favourite bit of the farm, the grassland down here. 61 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,000 And also, how much is that seed if you were to sell it? 62 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,600 [man] Ninety, a hundred pounds a kilo. 63 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,440 A hundred pounds a kilo? So, it's by far the most valuable crop on the farm. 64 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:32,400 Probably! 65 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,960 [Jeremy] Can we put this down in Chadlington? 66 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,000 [man] It'd be a good spot for it. 67 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,760 -[plane] -Sorry, there's... 68 00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,400 The aeroplanes. 69 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,600 This is where my surface-to-air missile battery's going. 70 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:46,440 [man] I've rarely seen aeroplanes up here, 71 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,120 but they obviously know you're filming today. 72 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,600 They're here all the time. 73 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,880 I think if I shoot one, it won't stop them, they'll think it was an accident. 74 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:57,840 But if I do two or three, word will get out among the flying community 75 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,520 and they'll have to spend time with their wives. 76 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,200 [upbeat music] 77 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,400 Wave at the neighbours. 78 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,400 Operation Hearts and Minds and all that. 79 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,000 There we are. 80 00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,000 There it is. This is my seed. 81 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,000 250 pounds worth of seed there. 82 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,480 [sighs] 83 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:32,800 Hello? 84 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:34,920 Is Sue around? 85 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:37,360 -[woman] Which Sue? -Kott. 86 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,800 No, she's not here. 87 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,200 I've come to give her my seed. 88 00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:43,320 [woman 2] She's not in. 89 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:44,760 Okay. 90 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:47,880 Right. 91 00:04:48,720 --> 00:04:52,360 [Jeremy] Eventually, I did find someone who would take my seeds. 92 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,360 Hi. 93 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:56,160 Are you the gardener here? 94 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:59,560 Well, no. I'm the chairman of the trustees to the hall. 95 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:01,240 Ah. 96 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,520 [Jeremy] Right, there you go. Green-winged orchids. 97 00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:05,600 Lovely. 98 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:07,360 -Black orchids. -Wow! 99 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:08,520 Thank you very much, Jeremy. 100 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,520 [Jeremy] All right. Thank you. Thanks. 101 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:13,160 [Jeremy] In truth, though, 102 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,240 the wildflower seeds were just a warm-up act. 103 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:21,680 If I was going to win over the village, I'd need a much grander gesture. 104 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,360 So I thought of one. 105 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:26,440 [man] One, two, three. 106 00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:27,800 Perfect. 107 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:30,240 [laughter and applause] 108 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,760 "Diddly Squat sponsors Chadlington Football Club." 109 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,040 [epic music] 110 00:05:42,640 --> 00:05:45,640 -[Jeremy] It's a good strip. -A really good strip. 111 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:49,640 [Jeremy] The kick-off whistle blew. 112 00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,200 [whistle] 113 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:57,080 And my inaugural match as a club sponsor was underway. 114 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:01,760 Chadlington FC vs Chadlington Reserves. 115 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,520 -Go on, Chadlington. -Come on, Chad. 116 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,200 I used to play with all these kids when I was in school. 117 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,160 They used to be the team above us. 118 00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:13,280 -[Jeremy] Have you got a picture? -[Kaleb] I do. 119 00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,000 I had long hair then. 120 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,080 -[Jeremy] Another hairstyle? -Yeah. 121 00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:18,200 [Jeremy] You are quite pudgy. 122 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:19,800 -What do you mean, pudgy? -Porky. 123 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,480 [Kaleb] Oh ! 124 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:23,840 Come on, Chadlington. 125 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,160 [Jeremy] Happily, there was a decent turnout to see the new strip. 126 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,000 [Kaleb] Come on, Chad. 127 00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:32,920 [Jeremy] Including Gerald and his brother. 128 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,440 I mean, the nice thing about these, 129 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,880 this lot, they get this many up here on a bloody Saturday. 130 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,280 -Of course. -No, of course they don't. 131 00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,160 One man and his dog. 132 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,640 -[whistle] -That's our ball! 133 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,440 Do you know the way you know all the names 134 00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:49,880 of the Chelsea football players? -Yeah? 135 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:53,240 [Lisa] Do you know all the names of this team that you sponsor? 136 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,000 -Chadlington? Of course I do. -No, you don't. 137 00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:58,480 I do. It's easy here, right? Supporters, right? 138 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:00,640 Cooper, Cooper and Cooper. 139 00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:01,800 [laughter] 140 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:03,000 [Lisa] Name me one. 141 00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:07,520 Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, 142 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:08,840 and there's Cooper. 143 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,040 It just makes life so much simpler in the village. 144 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:12,120 Coopers take over. 145 00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,920 [crowd cheering] 146 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,440 Oh! Great save. 147 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:20,480 [Jeremy] Kaleb, however, was very harsh with his commentary. 148 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,800 [Kaleb sighs] That's bullshit. 149 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,040 [whistle] 150 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,680 [Kaleb] You are fucking joking me! 151 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:31,560 Get up. 152 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:33,720 Josh! Get up, Josh! 153 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:37,120 If you ran Emirates, 154 00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:41,800 is it like this, do you think, when you go to watch Arsenal? 155 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,480 'Cause I'm the sponsor of this team, 156 00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,520 and I know how he feels. 157 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,520 -I think it's a little bit different! -No, it's exactly the same. 158 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,560 [Kaleb] No, just a little bit. 159 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,520 [Jeremy] At half-time, the players cracked into the energy drinks. 160 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,480 And Gerald took us on a tour of the clubhouse... 161 00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:03,120 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] ...went off the road on the way home. 162 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,360 [Jeremy] ...where we discovered he was a bit of a local legend. 163 00:08:08,360 --> 00:08:10,560 [Jeremy] It's not you 'cause it's in colour. 164 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,040 [laughs] 165 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,200 Hey, look! There's a K. Cooper in here. 166 00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,800 [Jeremy] Of course there is. 167 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,080 [Jeremy] Wait a minute. I'm in the 80s here. 168 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,520 Gerald Cooper. 169 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:22,880 -[Jeremy] Where are you? -[Gerald] Here. 170 00:08:23,040 --> 00:08:24,920 [Jeremy] Is that you? Still with the same moustache? 171 00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:27,440 [Gerald] Yeah. I'll tell you what, up there... 172 00:08:27,600 --> 00:08:31,080 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 173 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:34,240 They were all 22 in there, you know what I mean? 174 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,680 -[Jeremy] God, that's you! -[Gerald] Yeah. 175 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:40,160 You look like, "I just did "Tiger Feet" on Top of the Pops 176 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,880 and then I played football." 177 00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:43,000 [laughs] 178 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:45,720 See about Dennis, round the corner. 179 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,880 Look, yeah, that's you. Looking like someone out of Slade there. 180 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:50,840 [Gerald laughs] 181 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:52,480 [whistle] 182 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:56,040 [Jeremy] In the second half, the action came thick and fast. 183 00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:57,880 [whistle] 184 00:08:58,520 --> 00:08:59,480 [whistle] 185 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:00,880 Oh. 186 00:09:01,360 --> 00:09:02,880 -[whistle] -[Jeremy] Jesus. 187 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,280 [Kaleb] Yeah! 188 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:07,880 [Kaleb] Aw, wonderful. 189 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:13,760 [Jeremy] And soon I began to realise that my next purchase as a team sponsor 190 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,000 needed to be a scoreboard. 191 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,040 -So, you think it's what? -[man] Three-one. 192 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,200 Three-one. And you think it's four-one? 193 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:22,400 -I think it's three-nil. -[woman] It's two-all. 194 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,760 -[Jeremy] Two-all? -No. 195 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,280 It's five-one. 196 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:26,280 [whistle] 197 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,760 [Jeremy] The final whistle blew 198 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,640 on what had been a good game for Chadlington FC. 199 00:09:31,280 --> 00:09:32,520 Six... Six-one. 200 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,400 But then Chadlington was playing with itself. 201 00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,440 [Jeremy] And I just hoped my investment would now bring a return. 202 00:09:40,040 --> 00:09:42,720 Do you think this will win hearts and minds in the village? 203 00:09:42,880 --> 00:09:44,160 [Kaleb] I do. 204 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:50,760 [upbeat music] 205 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:54,720 [Jeremy] Whilst I was buttering up the locals, 206 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:59,400 Charlie was in his office, with its walls dripping in fine art, 207 00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:05,160 working hard on the restaurant planning application. 208 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:08,320 Jeremy must essentially win over the parish council 209 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,880 because they will have quite a lot of sway, 210 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,040 in sort of supporting the application. 211 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:19,480 But it's actually West Oxfordshire District Council 212 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:23,320 that will decide whether the restaurant will go ahead or not. 213 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:26,760 And the planning process, we have to please a lot of people. 214 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,240 So we've got the police. 215 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:30,720 We've got the highways. 216 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,600 You know, and highways are really on the farm shop. 217 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,240 The police stop every other day to monitor traffic. 218 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,760 So we've gotta get the access in and out just right. 219 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,760 We've got archaeological surveys. 220 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,000 We've got ecological surveys we've gotta get right. 221 00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,200 Oxfordshire county council will, you know, 222 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,840 want to know that it has an economic benefit. 223 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:55,560 We have to convince the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty 224 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:58,440 that it won't be a blot on the landscape. 225 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,000 So we've gotta let them know 226 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,200 where we're planting each hedge and each bush 227 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,280 so there's not light pollution coming across the valley. 228 00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,560 It's a huge amount of work and red tape 229 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:10,800 and we've gotta get it absolutely right. 230 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,600 It's not just something that's plonked, 231 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,520 you know, in the middle of the countryside. 232 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,120 [soft music] 233 00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:27,920 [Jeremy] Meanwhile, back on the farm, Dilwyn the vet paid a visit. 234 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:28,880 Though, for once, 235 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,440 not because he had to put his arm up an animal's bottom. 236 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,920 No fighting. Come on. Good dog. 237 00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:37,160 Good dog. 238 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:38,400 [Dilwyn] Look at that! 239 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:40,680 You can't have a farm and not have dogs. 240 00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:43,560 [Dilwyn] Oh, look at them. Aren't they gorgeous! 241 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,920 [Jeremy] Aren't they? They're sisters. 242 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:47,000 [Dilwyn] All right. 243 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,080 [Jeremy] And they're fox-coloured Labradors. 244 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,440 -Not many around. -No. 245 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,160 [Dilwyn] No. 246 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:53,200 Hey then, pups. 247 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,800 -But they're gonna need worming. -Yeah. 248 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,320 -Microchipping. -Yes. 249 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,160 -[Jeremy] And... -Vaccinating. 250 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:00,400 -[Jeremy] Vaccinating. -Yeah. 251 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,240 [Jeremy] They are simply the most adorable things. 252 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,240 [Dilwyn] Come here! 253 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,680 [Jeremy] I'm gonna roll you over and I'll tickle your tummy. There. 254 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:08,800 I mean, this is it now, as far as I'm concerned. 255 00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,760 Farming's sort of over. 256 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,640 Oh. Good dog. Good dog. 257 00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,120 [Jeremy] But, much as I wanted 258 00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:19,680 to spend all day throwing balls for these two, 259 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:22,920 there was obviously a farm to run. 260 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:25,400 And, with autumn upon us, 261 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,600 that meant getting next year's crops into the ground. 262 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,520 [soft music] 263 00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:35,240 After the first series of Clarkson's Farm was aired, 264 00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,720 I was mocked cruelly by many farmers, 265 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,760 who said that my three-metre cultivator was too small 266 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:43,560 for my tractor. 267 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:46,360 Well, they won't be mocking this time around, 268 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,480 because I've got a new one. 269 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,200 [dramatic music] 270 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:51,920 [Jeremy] This is it. 271 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,440 A huge and complex 272 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,160 six-metre-wide slab of science 273 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,400 and heavy engineering. 274 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,320 Good job I have such a big tractor. 275 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:04,960 Right. 276 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,480 Job one: lifting. 277 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,640 Up we go. 278 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,280 [engine revving] 279 00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:14,720 Oh! Shit, shit, shit! 280 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,040 Whoa! 281 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,920 Down. 282 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,800 What if I don't lift it up so much? That's the answer, isn't it? Yeah. 283 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,680 All right, let's just try again. Up. 284 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:29,760 Oh! 285 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:32,240 Jesus Christ! 286 00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:35,400 What the... 287 00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,600 No, this is not good. What the hell? 288 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:40,640 Christ. 289 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:42,680 [Jeremy] Predictably, the rural Yoda 290 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:45,880 chose that moment to turn up. 291 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:47,920 It won't move! 292 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:50,880 'Cause you've got 4 tons of machine on the back! 293 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,040 Well, it's... [stuttering] 294 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,280 How does anybody else manage? 295 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,160 You need a front weight, you muppet! 296 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,880 [upbeat music] 297 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:05,560 [Jeremy] Once Kaleb had attached the weight... 298 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,720 Right, is that gonna stop the problem? 299 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,520 Should be fine. 300 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:11,000 [upbeat music continues] 301 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,800 [Jeremy] ...I set off to the field. 302 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:18,240 I've got one and a half tons on the front, 303 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,160 four tons on the back and nine tons in the middle. 304 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,120 This is a heavy rig this morning. 305 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,240 Here we are, at the field. 306 00:14:32,440 --> 00:14:33,440 So what this machine does, 307 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,440 it's not a cultivator like we used to use. 308 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,960 It's certainly not a plough, which is really bad for the environment. 309 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,440 As it... 310 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:44,080 As it goes along, it encourages all the stuff 311 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:48,120 like this that wasn't properly harvested last year, 312 00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:50,640 to mix with the soil and start growing again. 313 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:54,120 Then when it starts to grow, we come along, kill everything, 314 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,040 and then we have a blank canvas 315 00:14:56,200 --> 00:15:00,320 on which to grow next year's crop. 316 00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,360 I don't understand it either. But anyway, I know how to do it. 317 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,360 [engine revving] 318 00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:08,560 Lowering. 319 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:10,480 Here we go. 320 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,240 [upbeat music] 321 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:17,680 I'm farming! 322 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:26,320 I just realised, I actually began my farming career in this very field. 323 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:31,800 And now it's the first field I'm cultivating for 2022. 324 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,640 [music continues] 325 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,280 [Jeremy] And it was all going well. 326 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,720 Until, several runs later, 327 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,360 the tractor started misbehaving again. 328 00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:44,440 [metallic thud] 329 00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:45,680 [engine revving] 330 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,320 Oh! 331 00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:49,440 I can't make it... 332 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,600 How do you make it turn when the wheels aren't on the ground? 333 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,400 What the hell? 334 00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,640 [Jeremy] The problem was that as my Lambo gulped through fuel, 335 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,200 the fuel tank was getting lighter. 336 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,800 Which meant that once again there wasn't enough weight up front 337 00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,080 to keep the wheels down. 338 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:11,120 It's just hopeless. 339 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:15,240 [Jeremy] I decided therefore to get back to the yard 340 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:19,400 and refuel before things got any worse. 341 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,400 Oh, come on. 342 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,320 [engine revving] 343 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,360 I've got too many revs. 344 00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:34,680 Let's try four-wheel-drive. Yeah, that might help. Let's try this. 345 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,400 [engine revving] 346 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,720 No, no, no! Shit! 347 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,080 It's not better. 348 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,680 How the fuck am I going to get out of here? 349 00:16:47,280 --> 00:16:49,200 Whoopsie-daisy! 350 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,240 Come on, come on, come on... 351 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,920 -[car horn] -[Jeremy] Jesus Christ! 352 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,040 [Jeremy] Clearly, I needed to find a bit of extra weight. 353 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,400 And luckily, some turned up. 354 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,200 No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah! 355 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,040 [Jeremy] Right, are you ready? 356 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:17,880 Handbrake! Turn the handbrake! 357 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,800 [Jeremy] It's working. 358 00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,280 [Kaleb] Oh fuck. 359 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:38,000 [Jeremy] The next day I should have been doing some more soil titivation, 360 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,520 but there was now a more pressing issue. 361 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,800 Despite my attempts to win over the locals, 362 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,720 I was still receiving a steady stream of complaints. 363 00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,160 [Jeremy sighs] 364 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,320 You look stressed. 365 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,880 "With an official snap check estimating over 400 visitors 366 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,760 and known three-hour queues to the Diddly Squat Farm Shop, 367 00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:03,920 the originally small-scale setup has turned into a hand-to-mouth operation 368 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:05,000 struggling to cope. 369 00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,200 This is creating untold social traffic and environmental problems 370 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,520 affecting the local quality..." 371 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,480 That would have took me all day to write that. 372 00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,440 [Jeremy] And then they've sent a photograph of that bus. 373 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,920 And they've objected to the bus. 374 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:21,760 They're objecting there's too many cars. 375 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,560 A load of people come on a bus to the farm shop... 376 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,560 -And they moan about that as well. -They moan about the bus. 377 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,960 I would love to meet these people 378 00:18:29,080 --> 00:18:32,720 who have literally got nothing else to do apart from writing them letters. 379 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,760 I'm that busy, you're that busy. 380 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:36,880 I haven't got two minutes to sit down at a computer 381 00:18:37,040 --> 00:18:38,480 and write a letter to you. 382 00:18:38,680 --> 00:18:39,960 [Jeremy] Look. 383 00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:42,720 "I'm fed up of everything Jeremy Clarkson." 384 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:45,320 Honestly, you just go through this... 385 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:46,680 One man in the village 386 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,320 has started a "Stop Diddly Squat" crowdfunding thing. 387 00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:53,400 I mean, they just... 388 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,920 [Jeremy sighs] 389 00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,240 [Jeremy] Since word had now got out 390 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,480 that I was going to apply for permission to open a restaurant, 391 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,240 I decided to get on the front foot 392 00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:07,560 and call a village meeting. 393 00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,000 There we go. 394 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,200 What I've written here is a little sign that says: 395 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,400 "As there seems to be some debate about what's going on at Diddly Squat, 396 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:20,520 Jeremy Clarkson will be at the Memorial Hall 397 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:23,480 to explain his plans and to take any questions you may have. 398 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,800 Everybody from the area is welcome to attend. 399 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,760 Cheese and wine will be provided." 400 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,480 There was a good complaint 401 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,080 on the official council website the other day saying, 402 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,800 "That so-called farmer at Diddly Squat..." 403 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,160 Fair enough. 404 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,800 "...doesn't actually produce anything on his farm." 405 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,560 Well, I do. 406 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,800 And then someone said, 407 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,200 "That lambing barn has never been used for lambing." 408 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,400 But there's literally documentary evidence that says it has. 409 00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,880 You know, this is the level of complaint that just... 410 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:57,560 That's why I thought I'd do a Q&A, so people could say... 411 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,040 "What are you doing? What are your plans?" 412 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:05,040 [man] Have you got any anxiety about it? 413 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,520 Well, yeah, I have. 'Cause the lady from the parish council says 414 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,160 that those that are angry are really angry. 415 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,400 I mean, like really angry. 416 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,800 But yeah, it is nerve-wracking. 417 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,560 'Cause I've seen Straw Dogs. 418 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,440 I've seen Local Hero. 419 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,880 You know what a village can get like when it all whips itself up. 420 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,720 Come up the drive with pitchforks. 421 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:29,320 But I'm trying to... I'll hopefully calm it down. 422 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:31,760 [birds chirping] 423 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,280 [cockerel crowing] 424 00:20:34,440 --> 00:20:36,640 [soft music] 425 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,560 [Jeremy] The next day, word of the meeting had spread. 426 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,800 And not in a good way. 427 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:48,080 Um, right, so anyway, the village... 428 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:51,520 The Chadlington community notice board just in essence 429 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,240 says that I'm the devil, 430 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,800 that the farming show is just the devil's work, 431 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,560 the farm is the devil's house. 432 00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,320 So let's see if I can go down there and, um... 433 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:07,080 [groaning] 434 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,560 Ooh... 435 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,320 [soft music] 436 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,200 I've gone for the 70s wedding look, which I happen to like. 437 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,800 [sighs] 438 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:53,520 [Jeremy] As the villagers started to arrive, 439 00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:55,840 the cameras had to leave the hall, 440 00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,640 because the locals had insisted on no filming inside. 441 00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:05,360 Then, with Charlie and Kaleb's ears pressed firmly against the window 442 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:08,880 and my personal microphone still switched on, 443 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,600 I waited for everyone to take their seats 444 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:13,920 and got down to business. 445 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,560 [Jeremy] We were overwhelmed by what happened 446 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:19,360 when the show first aired, 447 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:22,480 traffic and mud and chaos and speeding. 448 00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,120 Absolute nightmare. I agree. 449 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:28,320 So how can we make this look great, 450 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,800 bring people to the area so they can spend 451 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,600 but not spoil anybody's life in the village? 452 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:38,200 [Jeremy] I was hoping my opening words would soothe the waters. 453 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:39,960 And they didn't. 454 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,000 [man] You have shown no sympathy or empathy 455 00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:43,840 with the people who live in the village. 456 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,640 You described us as morons. 457 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,400 You said, "Every village has one moron, I have six." 458 00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,360 [laughter] 459 00:22:50,560 --> 00:22:51,720 I don't want to be called a moron. 460 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:54,120 I don't think you should do that, I think you should apologise for that. 461 00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,240 [Jeremy] I apologise to you immediately. 462 00:22:56,400 --> 00:22:58,480 You don't sound moronic at all. And your points are valid. 463 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,120 Some of the points raised 464 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,360 on the West Oxfordshire district council website, 465 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:04,120 however, were moronic. 466 00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,360 "That lambing barn has never been used for lambing." 467 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:08,120 "Nothing is produced on that farm." 468 00:23:08,280 --> 00:23:11,720 These things are silly things to say, 'cause we do produce things on the farm. 469 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:13,440 That's fair enough, innit? 470 00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:15,880 [man 2] But the fact is, ultimately you're not a farmer. 471 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,760 You're a media personality. 472 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,840 But we're not Love Island. 473 00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:22,080 What? 474 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:23,840 [Jeremy] You're right. I host Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? 475 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,520 And I do The Grand Tour. But the farm is my passion. 476 00:23:27,680 --> 00:23:29,240 [man 2] You don't need an income from the shop. 477 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:31,200 [Jeremy] No, the farm needs an income. 478 00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:34,600 [man 2] You personally do not need an income. 479 00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:36,880 His pants are definitely down tonight. 480 00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:39,400 [Jeremy] We're not gonna close the shop. 481 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:41,680 We have to have an income stream for the farm. 482 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,800 -Jeremy's answering 'em, though. -Yeah, he is. 483 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:46,800 [Jeremy] After the angry locals had vented, 484 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:50,200 there then came the important question. 485 00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,600 [woman] So, you're planning on turning the lambing shed 486 00:23:52,760 --> 00:23:55,880 into a cafe/restaurant/whatever. 487 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,360 [Jeremy] Yes. We now have the cows. Some calves are ready, some heifers. 488 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,640 They'll produce the beef. We have our eggs, our chickens. 489 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:05,240 So, we're starting to get all the things we need 490 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:07,600 to be able to have this restaurant. 491 00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:11,560 [man 3] I think what we would like to hear now is your very immediate plans 492 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:15,400 for tidying up, traffic control and everything. 493 00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,720 [Jeremy] We need to talk to highways about getting rid of the cones. 494 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,440 This will be first thing in the morning. It's a hideous eye-sore at the moment. 495 00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:25,120 We've got to put a little car-wash thing so people have their wheels washed 496 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,200 before going back on the roads so we don't have that mud. 497 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,120 Neat wooden signs saying "Please do not park on the verges." 498 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:32,680 There are a number of things we could do 499 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,280 which would make it a useful and pleasant amenity 500 00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,680 that you drive by and go, "That looks pretty." 501 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:40,480 And I want to get it so it's a great little farm shop 502 00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,440 with a great little cafe restaurant. 503 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,240 [man 4] Can we have a V.I.P. pass then? 504 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,720 [Jeremy] Yes. We'll do a V.I.P. pass with a discount. 505 00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:50,920 How's that sound? 506 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:51,880 [woman] Great! 507 00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:53,240 [applause] 508 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,560 [Jeremy] And on that cheery note, I bid you goodbye. 509 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,320 Right, I'm off. Take care. 510 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,760 Wow! 511 00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,920 That was much, much, much better than I thought it was going to be. 512 00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,840 He got a little bit of a roasting at the beginning. 513 00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:19,920 There were certain people that obviously went in with an agenda. 514 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:23,240 Um, but that always happens, doesn't it? 515 00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:24,720 What can I say? 516 00:25:24,880 --> 00:25:27,920 But everyone's entitled to their own opinion, you know. 517 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,760 You have to listen to people, you have to be genuine, 518 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:33,480 you have to show that you care. And I think he does. 519 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:35,400 It was a good start. 520 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,400 We enjoyed the opportunity of talking to him. 521 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,760 And that's the most important thing. To engage rather than confront. 522 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,280 [soft music] 523 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,720 [Jeremy] The next morning, as I'd promised, 524 00:25:52,880 --> 00:25:57,320 I set about getting the area around the farm shop tidied up. 525 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,120 Which meant a meeting with Lisa. 526 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,760 We've got to start now. 527 00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:08,280 Get these cones up and gone. 528 00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:10,160 Get that wire netting gone. 529 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,120 All that plastic over there and those crates. 530 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,160 Get those bins hidden. 531 00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:18,120 The litter, which I can see all over everywhere. 532 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,640 It's all got to go. 533 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,080 Look at that manky hay bale. That's just awful. 534 00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,320 [Lisa] You say how much hay costs and you want to buy another one! 535 00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:27,360 Look at these cones. "Come to a nice farm--" 536 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,120 They are from the police! 537 00:26:29,280 --> 00:26:30,400 They put them out there. 538 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,480 We've nicked them and brought them in here. Well, I haven't. 539 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:35,000 Somebody's brought them in here, and is using them, 540 00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:37,640 'cause they're convenient. We can't have convenient. 541 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:41,400 It's got... Whose idea are those blue signs? 542 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,200 They were just temporary for a day or two. 543 00:26:43,400 --> 00:26:45,840 [Jeremy] But they've been there for three months. 544 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,800 We've got the new signs now to go on the grass verge. 545 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:51,560 I know. I know, I know. 546 00:26:51,760 --> 00:26:52,840 I know. Do you know what? 547 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,440 I can do this and then we'll have no stock in the shop. 548 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,400 [Jeremy] Listen, it's all very well designing pretty little labels 549 00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:00,640 for things in the shop, 550 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,320 but when you arrive at the shop and it looks like this, it's just awful. 551 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:07,800 -[Lisa] What are you gonna do about it? -I haven't got time. 552 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,160 You have no idea how much is... I've gotta go... 553 00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:12,600 Today I've gotta go and find out if one of the... 554 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,400 I don't even know what it's called, bullocks or steers, 555 00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,040 has got an accidental testicle. 556 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,720 I've got Charlie coming to talk about the new government regulations on... 557 00:27:21,880 --> 00:27:23,320 I'm just swamped. 558 00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:26,840 [Lisa] I can spend my day doing this, but then we will have nothing to sell. 559 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:30,600 Sorry. You said you'll look after the farm shop, I'll do the farm. 560 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,120 So the farm shop is-- 561 00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,080 I do breakfast, lunch and dinner as well. 562 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,000 When? What breakfast? What lunch? What dinner? 563 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,600 I cooked my dinner last night. I made sausages and mashed potatoes. 564 00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:41,760 -You did not! -Well, I so did. 565 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:44,120 I burnt them 'cause the dog shat on the carpet 566 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,640 and I had to clear up the dog shit while cooking. 567 00:27:46,800 --> 00:27:48,400 Your dogs, your shit. 568 00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:49,360 My dogs? 569 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:52,120 If you wanted dogs, I said "You clean up the shit." 570 00:27:52,280 --> 00:27:55,160 -I did, while I was cooking my supper... -"I'm allergic to dog shit!" 571 00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:56,680 Guess what? So am I. 572 00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:58,240 Honestly. 573 00:27:58,840 --> 00:27:59,880 [sighs] 574 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:01,200 What a twat. 575 00:28:02,040 --> 00:28:04,600 I mean, it is disgusting. 576 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,480 It was fine during the summer, wasn't it? 577 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:11,280 And then the rain came. And when it rained, it's fucked. 578 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,800 [upbeat music] 579 00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,120 [she groans] 580 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:20,600 Yeah! 581 00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,360 [Jeremy] While Lisa was busy with Operation Tidy-Up... 582 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,880 I ploughed through the endless list of jobs 583 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:34,800 that farming throws at you. 584 00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,000 No, no, wait, wait, 'cause if you're in there... 585 00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:40,600 I'll just climb out. I got stuck in one of these once with a bull. 586 00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:42,400 Why don't you just pull it out? 587 00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:44,680 -It's easier to do this. -It wasn't a very big bull. 588 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,360 [upbeat music continues] 589 00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:58,160 Now, what we've got here is a scrotum and nothing else. 590 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,320 Uh-oh! Shit! 591 00:29:05,760 --> 00:29:07,480 [Jeremy] Oh, it's free. Thank God for that. 592 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,200 [upbeat music] 593 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:14,080 [he groans] 594 00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:15,920 [Kaleb] Do you want me to do it? 595 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,080 No. 596 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:18,880 Watch this now. 597 00:29:24,160 --> 00:29:25,680 [Kaleb] Fuck's sake. 598 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:29,920 [Jeremy] When I did get a spare moment... 599 00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:31,640 This is a period of high volatility... 600 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,280 Charlie always made sure he was there to fill it. 601 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,680 [Charlie] There's some key figures in there, specifics. 602 00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:39,200 That's all down to yield. 603 00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:41,280 So that's the net margin, the whole farm. 604 00:29:41,480 --> 00:29:42,560 What do you mean, "margin"? 605 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,560 Your return is point seven-five of a percent. 606 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,800 Because your costs have changed very little. So why... 607 00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:53,360 Basically, the dark blue line is 2021. So this shows... 608 00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:54,320 Yes. 609 00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:56,760 So this is this harvest, the dark line. 610 00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,640 The mainstay of the rotation 611 00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:02,200 obviously is we've got wheat and oilseed rape... 612 00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:04,000 The costs are about the same, 613 00:30:04,160 --> 00:30:06,720 but that extra production has gone straight to the bottom line. 614 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:09,120 We need to look at the detail. 615 00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,840 Sorry. Oh, God. Fuck it. 616 00:30:12,040 --> 00:30:13,680 I have that effect on all my clients. 617 00:30:13,880 --> 00:30:17,200 No, you don't. I'm just knackered. Farming is wearing me out. 618 00:30:17,360 --> 00:30:18,680 [sighs] 619 00:30:20,520 --> 00:30:22,080 [Jeremy] On top of the work pressure, 620 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:26,640 our little Diddly Squat world was now under the glare of public scrutiny, 621 00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:31,240 with my activities the subject of national debate. 622 00:30:31,720 --> 00:30:33,800 [radio host] Karla in the North Cotswolds isn't far away. 623 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:35,640 And she says: "This is not the first time 624 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,320 Clarkson has had to placate the locals, especially when he blew up his house. 625 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,000 People are blocking what was once a quiet village 626 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:44,680 that is not designed for so much traffic. 627 00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:46,720 People wait for hours to get in. 628 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,400 They do not respect the area." 629 00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,280 -That is the case against. - [Jeremy] Jesus! 630 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,400 Let's hear from Julie, who's in Scarborough. 631 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:54,200 [Julie] Good afternoon, Jeremy. 632 00:30:54,360 --> 00:30:56,840 We've been on holiday this week in the Cotswolds. 633 00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,040 We drove past and saw all the cars... 634 00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:01,760 [soft music] 635 00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:12,640 [Jeremy] With all this going on, 636 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:16,920 all I wanted to do was hide myself away in the fields. 637 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:19,560 So I did. 638 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:25,680 [Jeremy] I love this part of the day. Heading out in the tractor. 639 00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:28,720 It's just so peaceful. 640 00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:33,880 You know at the end of Forrest Gump, 641 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,440 when Forrest is on his little ride-on mower doing the village green 642 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:40,360 [with a Southern American accent] in Greenbow, Alabama? 643 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:42,960 That's how I feel here. 644 00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:47,440 All those adventures I've had in my life, and yet... 645 00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:50,200 I've ended up doing this! 646 00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:54,600 And I love it. I just love it! 647 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,000 Kaleb needs to give this a damned good soaking 648 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,880 with the weed killer, he really does. 649 00:32:04,040 --> 00:32:06,640 'Cause I think spring barley's going in this field this year, 650 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,000 which is important, 651 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:10,360 because that's gonna be used to make our... 652 00:32:10,560 --> 00:32:12,640 -[crash] -Fucking hell. 653 00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:18,560 I hit the telegraph pole. Shit, shit, shit. 654 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:22,200 Okay. 655 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:25,560 Shit. 656 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:31,240 [sighs] 657 00:32:32,680 --> 00:32:34,080 I've broken it. 658 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,320 That whole... 659 00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:37,680 that's all been bent back. 660 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,480 You can see those are now pointing... They should be... 661 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:41,520 And I've broken that one. 662 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:44,440 Shit. 663 00:32:47,000 --> 00:32:49,640 I mean, why have they put a telegraph pole there? 664 00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:55,000 [Jeremy] There was only one way this situation could get any worse. 665 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,000 [Kaleb] Fuck! 666 00:33:07,880 --> 00:33:09,720 -Were you on your phone? -No. 667 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:15,320 You fucked up big time now. 668 00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:18,440 -Fucking hell! -I did that one as well. 669 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:25,360 You're such a muppet! 670 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:26,880 Every time! 671 00:33:27,080 --> 00:33:28,760 I know, I know, I know. 672 00:33:29,760 --> 00:33:32,640 If we straighten that out it's just gonna come off, isn't it? 673 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,760 It will just snap off. You need to straighten the whole thing out. 674 00:33:34,920 --> 00:33:36,760 It'll probably be better to cut it off and re-weld it back on. 675 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:39,960 -[Jeremy] How good are you at welding? -[Kaleb] You're sorting it out. 676 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:41,400 -What? -You're sorting that out. 677 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:42,360 I can't weld! 678 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:43,760 But you're sorting that out. 679 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,080 Jesus! Look how well... I've done all this this morning. 680 00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:48,840 I've already done half the field! 681 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:50,440 -You haven't! -I have! 682 00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,440 You have not done this field. 683 00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:55,040 I have! I've done half the field. 684 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:56,680 Why didn't you tell me you had? 685 00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,400 It's obvious. You come out here and look: half the field's done! 686 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:01,560 - You can see... - I couldn't see that. 687 00:34:01,760 --> 00:34:03,840 -You couldn't see the difference? -No. 688 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:09,920 [Jeremy] We then discussed the electricity board's damaged pole. 689 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,400 You betta ring 'em up and tell 'em. 690 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:15,120 -They just renewed all these. -I know they have. 691 00:34:15,760 --> 00:34:17,480 Why don't we just ignore it? 692 00:34:18,120 --> 00:34:20,280 It's only superficial. It's done more damage... 693 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:23,440 I might ring them up and tell them they owe me for a new disc. 694 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:25,760 "You put a telegraph pole in the middle of my field 695 00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:28,880 and I'm that stupid, I can't go round it, so therefore now you owe--" 696 00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,480 It was really foggy. I couldn't see it. 697 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:32,200 [Jeremy] Shit. 698 00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,960 [Jeremy] I thought at this point my humiliation was complete. 699 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:38,120 But apparently not. 700 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:39,880 Hi. 701 00:34:40,600 --> 00:34:43,760 -[Charlie] What's the problem? -[Kaleb] Tell him the problem, Jeremy. 702 00:34:43,920 --> 00:34:46,120 [sighs] I've had an accident. 703 00:34:46,480 --> 00:34:47,920 [Charlie] Bloody hell. 704 00:34:48,440 --> 00:34:50,880 -I mean, you've ripped it off! -[Jeremy] Yeah. 705 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:53,840 [Kaleb] You wrote the machine off! 706 00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:55,600 [Charlie] The problem is, 707 00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:57,480 this isn't ours. 708 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:02,400 It's only on... This is a demonstrator. 709 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:04,800 So... 710 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:06,160 OK. 711 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:07,920 How much is this thing? 712 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:10,000 -[Charlie] Twenty thousand quid. -[Jeremy] Oh for fuck's sake. 713 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:17,760 [cockerel crowing] 714 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:22,480 ["Can't You See" by The Marshall Tucker Band playing] 715 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,760 [Jeremy] With the old cultivator brought out of retirement, 716 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,640 we eventually got the job done. 717 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:35,440 [music continues] 718 00:35:39,800 --> 00:35:42,120 Then we fired up the drill... 719 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:43,600 Right, here we go. 720 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:47,680 [Jeremy] And set about getting the seeds in the ground. 721 00:35:47,920 --> 00:35:50,560 [music continues] 722 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:02,200 Accompanied, as ever, by the traditional radio exchanges. 723 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:03,640 [Jeremy] Now it's changed. 724 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,640 The tractor zero-kilometre-an-hour thing 725 00:36:06,840 --> 00:36:08,360 is flashing at me. 726 00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:10,680 You've knocked your fan out, haven't you? 727 00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:12,640 How the fuck can I have done that? 728 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,160 I haven't touched any buttons. 729 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,640 -Where's the fan button? -[Kaleb grunts] 730 00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:18,920 [music continues] 731 00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,400 [Jeremy] The weather held, and a few busy days later 732 00:36:28,160 --> 00:36:30,880 all the crops were in the ground. 733 00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:35,040 Well done. 734 00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:38,480 Only one telegraph pole mildly damaged and... 735 00:36:38,640 --> 00:36:40,960 -Yeah, that wasn't me. -I know. That was me. 736 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:48,080 [Jeremy] Then it was time for a Sunday lunch meeting with Charlie, 737 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:51,800 who had finally finished the restaurant application. 738 00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:56,280 Think about this. 739 00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,760 Everything on that plate was grown at Diddly Squat. 740 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,160 The lamb, the carrots, the potatoes, 741 00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:07,000 the beetroot, the flour for the gravy. 742 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:08,680 That's spring water. 743 00:37:08,920 --> 00:37:11,000 So that's what the restaurant is all about. 744 00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:15,520 And that's what makes it so exciting. Because, genuinely, it can be done. 745 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:18,160 -Is this the business plan? -This is the business plan. 746 00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:21,160 And you've done it on two sides of the paper, which is eco-friendly. 747 00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:23,600 -And it's recycled paper. -Of course it is. 748 00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:25,960 [Jeremy] They must be getting loads of these from farmers saying 749 00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:27,280 "We've got to do some changes." 750 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,440 There's a lot of requirement for diversification going in. 751 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:31,880 But that's the need. 752 00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:35,600 You are going to lose £82,000 worth of subsidy. 753 00:37:35,800 --> 00:37:37,840 We've gotta try and fill the gap. 754 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,360 This is why we're doing it. 755 00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:41,920 -And that's going today? -Today. 756 00:37:42,120 --> 00:37:45,680 I mean, if we don't... If we don't get planning permission, 757 00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:48,320 I'm left up a gum tree, 758 00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:51,880 -a proper sticky gum tree. -I know. 759 00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:55,880 'Cause I'm left with a load of stuff and nowhere that I can sell it 760 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:58,440 at anything approximating to a profit. 761 00:37:58,600 --> 00:38:00,480 -Correct. -Everything's ready to go, 762 00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:04,640 I just need West Oxfordshire District Council to say 763 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:06,360 "Good idea." 764 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,200 [upbeat music] 765 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:12,160 [Jeremy] While the fate of the farm was being discussed here, 766 00:38:12,680 --> 00:38:15,160 in the local red-tape factory... 767 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:19,160 Come on. 768 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,960 [Jeremy] ...I had to turn my attention back to the cows, 769 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,880 which every night were facing a deadly threat. 770 00:38:26,600 --> 00:38:28,760 [intriguing music] 771 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:40,880 [ominous music] 772 00:38:42,440 --> 00:38:44,760 -[engine revving] -Fucking hell! 773 00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:47,640 -You can't shoot them. -No. 774 00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:48,680 -Or gas them. -No. 775 00:38:48,880 --> 00:38:50,040 -Or fill in their holes. -No. 776 00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:51,880 [woman] If you get TB 777 00:38:52,080 --> 00:38:54,560 your farm is virtually shut down. 778 00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:57,800 Shit. 779 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,640 [theme music playing] 780 00:39:02,305 --> 00:40:02,942 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/bst99 Help other users to choose the best subtitles