1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,680 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:16,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 3 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,640 [mooing] 4 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:46,440 [car door slams] 5 00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,320 [Dilwyn] Right. The moment of truth. 6 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,320 Right. 7 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,880 Could he pass it on to the rest of the herd if he's got it? 8 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,480 It affects the lungs. 9 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,760 They will cough tuberculin up and spread it from one to the other. 10 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,400 Ultimately, they would infect all the rest of the herd? 11 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:05,720 -Yes. -All right. I've got you. 12 00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,400 And you're looking for what, Dilwyn? 13 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:11,560 [Dilwyn] I'm measuring the thickness. There's a lump at the top. 14 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:15,640 Twelve-nine. 15 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:17,120 What does that mean? 16 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,920 [Dilwyn] If the first number is bigger than the second number then you're OK. 17 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,160 [Jeremy] Twelve-nine? We're happy? 18 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,160 If it was the other way round, you'd be worried. 19 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:26,440 What do the numbers mean? 20 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,320 [Dilwyn] It's the size of the lumps. 21 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:32,560 The measurement of the skin where I injected the other day. 22 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,240 [Jeremy] Looks like you're all right. 23 00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,240 Come on, moo cow. 24 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:39,000 [cow mooing] 25 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,360 Fourteen-ten. 26 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,760 [Jeremy] There we go. 27 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:52,320 -Go on. Go on. -[Jeremy] There we go. 28 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:54,840 [Dilwyn] Ten-nine. 29 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,240 -[Jeremy] Oh, that's close. -Yeah. 30 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:00,640 -[Charlie] It's quite tense, isn't it? -Yeah. It's horrible. 31 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,800 I did a test of 400 animals the other day, 32 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,920 and I found a reactor on the last animal. 33 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,760 Everybody was just relaxing... 34 00:02:09,920 --> 00:02:10,720 [Jeremy] 400? 35 00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,760 And that was the start of an outbreak. 36 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:17,080 Fifteen-ten. 37 00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:18,320 [woman] Fifteen-ten. 38 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:19,560 [Jeremy] That's good. 39 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,600 [Jeremy] The results kept coming up negative. 40 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:25,080 Ten-eight. 41 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:27,080 -[woman] Ten-eight? -[Dilwyn] That's OK. 42 00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:31,520 [Jeremy] And soon we were down to the last two cows. 43 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,680 [Jeremy] Now, that's the attack cow. 44 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,040 Go on, go on, go on. 45 00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,400 -[cow mooing] -[Charlie] Oh, Jesus. 46 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:39,800 [Jeremy] Bloody hell. 47 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:40,880 [Kaleb] You won't stop her. 48 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,200 [banging] 49 00:02:46,080 --> 00:02:47,080 [Dilwyn] Good. 50 00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:49,160 -[woman] Nothing for that one? -[Dilwyn] Nothing. 51 00:02:49,360 --> 00:02:53,040 [Jeremy] Come on, Pepper. Oh, here she comes. Pepper! 52 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,120 [Dilwyn] Fourteen-ten. You got a clear TB test. 53 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,720 [Jeremy] That is a result! 54 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:06,240 Oh! Fantastic. 55 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,760 [Lisa] So pleased about that. 56 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:08,920 Well done. Good news. 57 00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:11,640 That is great news, isn't it? That is properly good news. 58 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:12,600 [Lisa] Yeah. 59 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:15,400 [soft music] 60 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,560 [cows mooing] 61 00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:25,120 [Jeremy] It was now mid-winter. 62 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:30,600 And two important events were fast approaching. 63 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:34,000 The pregnant cows would soon give birth. 64 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,800 And we would receive West Oxfordshire Council's decision 65 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,920 on my restaurant application. 66 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,160 And on that front, Charlie was on the war path. 67 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:50,680 We're low on flour. 68 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,840 Yeah, we are low on flour. It flies out. 69 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:55,840 [Charlie] Morning. 70 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:57,600 Ah, here we go. Charlie. 71 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,640 -[Charlie] How are you? -What are you doing here? 72 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:01,120 [Charlie] Because I have some news. 73 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:05,520 You, Jeremy, have received a letter from the council. 74 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:09,400 Um, it's not actually very good news. 75 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,720 -Um... -There's a surprise. 76 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,160 Is this to do with the shop? 77 00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:14,520 It's to do with the shop. 78 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,520 Why is it written to me, then? You're very much in charge of the shop. 79 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:19,360 We're going through a whole load of... 80 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:20,680 [Jeremy] Oh, shit. 81 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:24,200 [Charlie] It's a planning contravention notice. It is quite serious. 82 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,520 What does that mean? 83 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:29,320 It's a sort of last warning before we get an enforcement, 84 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:30,600 which would probably-- 85 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,200 -They would enforce closure. -[Lisa] When was my first warning? 86 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,360 -You've had your first warning. -[Lisa] Oh, have I? 87 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,520 -[Lisa] Did I miss that boat? -No, we discussed it. 88 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,360 [Charlie] No. We got a large letter in the summer. 89 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,240 I have to say Lisa has, again, 90 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:44,480 an Irish attitude to this kind of thing. 91 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:46,120 [Irish accent] "Ooh, they don't mean it." 92 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,120 Well, I don't care. It's stupid. 93 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:50,240 Well, it's not. It's... [chuckles] 94 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,120 When we got the planning permission, they were very clear 95 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:55,360 that produce must either be produced from the farm... 96 00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:56,320 Yes. 97 00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:59,160 Or it must come from producers in the local area. 98 00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:00,120 [Lisa] Yes. 99 00:05:00,320 --> 00:05:03,120 [Charlie] The planning permission says 16 miles, 100 00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:05,160 so that's what we've got to work with. 101 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:09,200 And they've put a list down here of things that don't meet that criteria. 102 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,200 -Because-- -Well, hold on. What have we got wrong? 103 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:14,920 Well, I think there are a couple of things that clearly-- 104 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,920 -The Arabica coffee. -Yeah, coffee. 105 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:20,760 -Coffee isn't great in this area. -[Jeremy chuckling] 106 00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,040 -Hats... -So I got it from... 107 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,000 Hats and T-shirts. 108 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:28,280 Hats and T-shirts? I think they must be just down the road. 109 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:29,240 They're Vietnamese. 110 00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,440 -That's Charlie we're talking to. -Ahem. 111 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,400 -Can we get rid of these? -Why? 112 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:37,800 [Charlie] "Made in China." 113 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,320 [Lisa] I just put that on to make it look more exotic. 114 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,120 'Cause otherwise, it's a bit boring! 115 00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,120 [Charlie] Lisa! 116 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:44,840 This one got through. 117 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:48,800 [Charlie] But that is their problem. There's a big wall with hats... 118 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960 -[Lisa] Of issues, yeah. -[Charlie] T-shirts... Yes, of issues! 119 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:56,760 Just while we've got this bigger planning application in for the restaurant, 120 00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,280 I just really think that we need to behave here. 121 00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,400 We can't load their gun any more. 122 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:07,600 [upbeat music] 123 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:11,240 [Jeremy] Over at the new barn, the mood was much more upbeat, 124 00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,160 as the beef whisperer was giving his predictions 125 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,200 about when the cows would give birth. 126 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:18,880 That one there, 127 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,960 -she's probably about a week off. -[Jeremy] Yeah. 128 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,800 [Kaleb] You see how she's just starting to bag up? 129 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:25,960 Her stomach's slowly rising. 130 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:26,920 [Jeremy] All right. 131 00:06:27,080 --> 00:06:28,600 [Kaleb] The one behind probably a week off as well. 132 00:06:28,760 --> 00:06:30,720 In a week's time, we're gonna be very busy. 133 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,800 [Jeremy] Also, the mum's-to-be had a new toy. 134 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,800 [Kaleb] This is cool. The cows love this. 135 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,520 We had 'em on our old farm. 136 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:40,680 And they proper get into it. 137 00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,240 Have you ever used one? 138 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:43,520 [Jeremy] Well, no... 139 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,040 You go underneath it, yeah? 140 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:48,840 [groans] 141 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,720 That's good. 142 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,560 [groans] Get your back under that, honestly. 143 00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:59,040 Mr Cow comes... 144 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,520 And give it a bit of a nudge. 145 00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,600 -Ooh. -[chuckling] Ain't it good? 146 00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:05,080 Oh. 147 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,120 [laughs] 148 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,400 -[Jeremy] Bloody hell! -[Kaleb chuckles] 149 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,000 [Jeremy] With the meat production line about to kick in, 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:15,400 there was no better time to have a catch-up with Charlie 151 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,760 about how the restaurant planning application was going. 152 00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:23,360 And, as ever, he was a ray of sunshine. 153 00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:24,640 Well, look, 154 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,080 -I think fundamentally I-- -This is not gonna be good. 155 00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,800 I think the bit that I'm sort of worried about 156 00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:35,280 is the consultees really being by the book. 157 00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:38,160 You know, it's not just, "Thanks, that looks all right." 158 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:39,440 They're making comment. 159 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,400 What do you mean, "the consultees"? 160 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:42,600 Who are they? 161 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:46,160 So they're environmental health, or local highways, 162 00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:47,960 or the police, for example. 163 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,160 What have the police got to say about it? 164 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:53,240 How can you live in a country where the police 165 00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,200 are allowed to have an opinion on a restaurant? 166 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,520 -Hold on. Cycle storage? -Correct. 167 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,040 -"The provision" as it says here... -Of-- 168 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:02,760 [Jeremy] "...for bicycle parking." 169 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:07,280 What does that have to do with the police? 170 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:10,560 So, he is the Crime Prevention Design Advisor. 171 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:13,080 -What? -That's what he does. 172 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,320 But if we say we're not employing cyclists? 173 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,280 I don't think that's gonna be very helpful. 174 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:21,120 Do I have to be inclusive? 175 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,480 As inclusive as you can be. 176 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,920 I mean, I am inclusive, just not cyclists. I'm-- 177 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:29,240 Then there's environmental health. And the AONB. 178 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:32,120 So the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. 179 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:34,000 What conditions are they gonna put on? 180 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:35,400 And the drainage. 181 00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:39,480 So the West Oxfordshire District Council, they're going to want to see 182 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,520 a flood-alleviation scheme so you don't get surface-- 183 00:08:42,640 --> 00:08:45,520 It's 800 feet above sea level, miles from a river. 184 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,720 Why don't they just write back saying "We've got nothing to say"? 185 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,240 Because people have got too much time on their hands, haven't they? 186 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,200 [groans] 187 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:54,320 [Charlie] OK. 188 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,240 Let's not dwell on it any more. 189 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,360 There is work ahead of us. 190 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,960 [soft music] 191 00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:09,440 [Jeremy] A few days later, I got an urgent early-morning call from Kaleb. 192 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:11,720 [Jeremy] What's happening? 193 00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,280 Oh! 194 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:17,400 [Kaleb] Congratulations! 195 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:19,480 -No! -[Kaleb chuckles] 196 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:22,160 [Jeremy] No way! When did that happen? 197 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:24,760 -[Kaleb] Last night. -Oh my God! What is it? 198 00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,120 [Kaleb] A little heifer calf. That's a girl, by the way. 199 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,880 [Jeremy] I know that. I've learnt that. 200 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,640 -[Jeremy] Look at that face! -Look at that little face! 201 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,320 Oh, look at your little face! 202 00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:36,600 You lucky cow. You've come to Diddly Squat. 203 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:39,040 Well done, mum! 204 00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,200 Mother's looking very proud, actually. Can cows look proud? 205 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:44,240 [Kaleb] Yeah. 206 00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,720 Cow calving is so much different to sheep. 207 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:47,720 So it just fell out? 208 00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,760 [Kaleb] Fell out. Stand up. Licking it off. 209 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:54,040 [Jeremy] It's going to be a heifer. We're not gonna eat this one? 210 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,000 Yes, we'll keep it in the herd to grow. 211 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,880 She's trying to have a poo. That's a really good sign. 212 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:01,280 [Jeremy] Here it comes! 213 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:05,160 Ladies and gentlemen, it's the first faeces! 214 00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:07,600 The mother's gonna eat it. The mother's eating it. 215 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:08,720 [Kaleb] That's really good! 216 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:11,360 In the wild, there's predators out there, she'll clean up after her, 217 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,640 so therefore the predators can't smell the baby. 218 00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:15,160 -[Jeremy] Really? -Yeah. 219 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:16,320 [Jeremy] Did you hear 220 00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,000 the stat that Charlie told me the other day? 221 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,160 Everyone says cows are unenvironmental now? 222 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:22,160 Mmm. 223 00:10:22,320 --> 00:10:24,640 'Cause you've gotta grow the grass to feed the cows, 224 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,520 so you've got two things to do before you eat them. 225 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,320 Apparently eating half a cow 226 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:32,200 is the same environmental impact 227 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,840 as one person flying to Australia. 228 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,520 -So they're not really... -No. 229 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,520 How many people fly to Australia a day? 230 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,160 Well, Novak Djokovic. 231 00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:45,720 Tennis? 232 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,040 That a lady? A girl? 233 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:54,160 [Jeremy] I may have missed the birth of my first calf, 234 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,840 but then, over the next few days, 235 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:02,120 I managed to miss the next batch as well. 236 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,080 Oh, for Heaven's sake. 237 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:08,160 One, two, three calves have come out. 238 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:10,560 The problem we're having, 239 00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:13,200 I'm sure you'd like to see the birth, 240 00:11:13,360 --> 00:11:16,280 but the cow just goes... [coughs] 241 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:17,680 and then there's a calf. 242 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,600 It's very difficult to film. 243 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:22,920 Look. 244 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:24,280 Oh. 245 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,560 [Lisa] Oh look! 246 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:28,640 Hey, little one. 247 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,120 [Jeremy] Remember all that fuss and palaver with the lambing? 248 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,080 So much fuss. 249 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,520 They just cough and then a calf comes out. 250 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,920 We still have four more to come. So... 251 00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:41,840 hopefully we can witness. 252 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:43,880 [upbeat music] 253 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,280 [Jeremy] Kaleb then told me you can buy devices that warn you 254 00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:49,360 when a birth is imminent. 255 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,560 So, I immediately set off to buy some 256 00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:59,240 because that meant going to my new most-favourite shop 257 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:00,840 in the whole world. 258 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,080 Normally I loathe shopping, absolutely loathe it. 259 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,800 But in here I want everything. 260 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,440 Oh, look at this. 261 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,640 This is the outfitters department. 262 00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:22,720 Look, look, look! 263 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,640 This is where... This is Kaleb's wardrobe. 264 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,840 This is his Bond Street. 265 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,720 Let me talk you through all the different shirts you can get in here. 266 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,080 There's this one, OK? Yeah? 267 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,880 Then there's this one. 268 00:12:37,240 --> 00:12:38,960 Then there's... 269 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,440 this one. 270 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:43,400 Then there's... 271 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:44,800 this one. 272 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,520 That's a steel... Oh, is that a steel toe cap? 273 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:51,680 Look at that. 274 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:53,120 Oh shit. 275 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:01,880 Look for the cameras. 276 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,320 [Jeremy] Focusing on the job in hand, I headed to the cow department, 277 00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:13,040 where I was amazed to find exactly what I was looking for. 278 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,120 Oh, heavens. 279 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:20,040 No! No, I don't believe I'm seeing this. 280 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,160 "The Moocall." 281 00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:26,000 So what you do is you pop it on the animal's tail. 282 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:28,920 And then when it's about to give birth, 283 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,520 you get a text message from this little machine. 284 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:35,520 You're kidding! 285 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,360 [lively music] 286 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,760 [Jeremy] Go on, go on. There you go. 287 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,640 [Jeremy] Back at the farm, Kaleb and I fitted the alarms. 288 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:45,640 [Jeremy] So when she lifts that up, I'll get a text? 289 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:46,600 [Kaleb] Yeah. 290 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,680 [Jeremy] "Moocall." There it is. 291 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:52,040 [Jeremy] And then we went for a chat with Charlie 292 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,880 about the stratospheric rise in fertilizer prices. 293 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,840 [Kaleb] It's like gold, isn't it? 294 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:02,440 It is literally gold. How much has it gone up by? 295 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,320 [Charlie] We bought this at £275 a ton. 296 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,080 And now it's about £675 a ton. 297 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,440 How many tons have we got? 298 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,880 Er, there's 80 there. 299 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,160 So what's that? 30,000 quid. 300 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,800 [Jeremy] Why is it so fucking expensive? 301 00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,760 There's this bloke. He's called Vladimir. 302 00:14:18,920 --> 00:14:20,040 [Jeremy] Oh, Put-- Well... 303 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,000 Well, especially with all this war stuff going on at the minute as well. 304 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:27,280 [Jeremy] Staggered that Kaleb knew Putin was making noises 305 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,200 about invading Ukraine, 306 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,480 I gave him some of my wisdom. 307 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,400 There's not gonna be a war. 308 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,600 -Oh well, I dunno... -There isn't. 309 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,960 [slow music] 310 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,280 [Jeremy] Since my fertilizer was now worth more than Elon Musk, 311 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:50,920 it made sense to protect it from burglars. 312 00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:54,160 [Jeremy] Right, here it is. So if you could give us a hand? 313 00:14:54,320 --> 00:14:55,160 [Gerald] Yeah. 314 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,440 [Jeremy] Which meant asking my head of security 315 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,680 to help me fit a high-tech alarm system. 316 00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:05,880 [Jeremy] I saw this on YouTube. And I thought that's just bob-on. 317 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,560 It's a really good idea, this. 318 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:09,440 [Gerald] Everyone shoots a bullet. 319 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,120 Tom has probably got one that comes out as far as here. 320 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,360 [Jeremy] And I always think your approach to security's quite sensible. 321 00:15:16,560 --> 00:15:19,400 Yeah, I don't want no full-front advance 322 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,000 just meeting great big men when I come out, you know. 323 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:23,840 Blokes with axes and stuff. 324 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,640 I don't want a lot of that these days. 325 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,840 Whatever that is, we've no need to worry anymore. 326 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,920 So, take this off. 327 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:34,480 [Gerald] If it's a real damp, foggy night... 328 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:36,800 Oh yeah, I guess. 329 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,680 Now, the idea is, somebody comes in, 330 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,760 it detects their movement, yeah? 331 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,320 -Yeah? -And then a siren goes off. 332 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:51,880 And the siren triggers these, which are smoke canisters. 333 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960 -Yeah? -So, I mean, this whole barn-- 334 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,400 Will be black and covered... 335 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,040 -[Jeremy] Properly thick smoke. -Dense. 336 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,600 -Yeah? -[Jeremy] And you can't see a thing. 337 00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:05,840 The thing is, though, with that big chalk piece that starts the wars, 338 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,080 and then there's the piece that'll kill at least twelve people... 339 00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,840 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 340 00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,520 Until you've cleaned it all out, 341 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,400 it wants just edge and siding as well, really. 342 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:21,920 [Jeremy] Mmm. 343 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:23,560 [upbeat music] 344 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,120 [Jeremy] With the fertilizer fully protected, 345 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:29,720 it was time for a meeting with Mr and Mrs Cacklebean. 346 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,760 [sighs] It's a nice morning. 347 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,680 -[Steph] Beautiful. -Just light drizzle. 348 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,400 [Jeremy] Who'd come over to give me some advice 349 00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:39,840 on some worrying news I'd received. 350 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,960 [Jeremy] So these texts I keep getting from the Hen Police in... 351 00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,960 Who is it, the government? 352 00:16:45,160 --> 00:16:46,480 [Paddy] It is the government. 353 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,320 -[Jeremy] "H5N1"... -5N1, yeah. 354 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,560 -"Avian influenza." -Yeah. 355 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,320 Found at a premises in Warwickshire. 356 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:53,280 That's not... 357 00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:54,480 27 miles... 358 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,440 Yeah, 27 miles away. 359 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,880 So it's a bit worrying. 360 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,840 [Jeremy] So how do we stop this lot getting it? 361 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:02,800 We will have to shut the birds in. 362 00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,080 What? Really? 363 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:05,760 -What, completely? -Completely. 364 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:07,880 [Paddy] For about three months. 365 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,040 [Steph] Until we've got the all-clear, isn't it? 366 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,000 [Paddy] Till we got the all-clear. 367 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,760 [Jeremy] Shit. Do they lay less when they're inside? 368 00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:17,920 [Paddy] It won't make a difference to them. 369 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,400 It will make, 'cause their lives will be less enjoyable. 370 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:24,320 No, there's ways that you can make their lives more enjoyable inside. 371 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:26,760 You've gotta make sure that they've got lots of bedding, 372 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:28,320 so they can dust bathe. 373 00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:30,520 -I think we should put radios in. -Some radios. 374 00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,240 Yeah, they can listen to a bit of music. 375 00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:34,280 -[Paddy] Yeah. -Now you're being silly. 376 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:38,960 No. At home, Cackleberry Farm, every shed has a radio. 377 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,160 Have you got any audiobooks that we could play them? 378 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:42,160 They love it. 379 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:46,720 No. How do you know they love it? Do they smile? 380 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:47,960 -They sing. -Do they dance? 381 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,560 -Yeah, they do. -[Jeremy] No, they don't. 382 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:50,640 [chuckles] 383 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,920 They start off with Radio One when they're young, 384 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,800 move on to Radio Two when they're middle aged, 385 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,320 and Radio Four when they're old. 386 00:17:56,520 --> 00:17:58,160 [laughing] 387 00:17:58,320 --> 00:17:59,320 [upbeat music] 388 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,440 [Jeremy] With my hen and cattle mob-grazing enterprise 389 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,880 now halted by bird flu, 390 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,800 it was back to the cow barn to feed the new-borns. 391 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:15,320 [Jeremy] You go and get the nuts. We'll give them those. 392 00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:19,080 Right. We've gotta put another pen in here. 393 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,760 So you'll have a friend to talk to. And then... 394 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,960 [alarm goes off] 395 00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,200 Oh you haven't? 396 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,720 [Kaleb] What the fuck? 397 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,000 [alarm] 398 00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:33,960 [Jeremy] You have. 399 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:37,200 Oh... fucking Kaleb... 400 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,200 [Kaleb] What was it? 401 00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:47,280 [Jeremy] We put that system in that completely fills the place with smoke. 402 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,800 [Kaleb] Why didn't you tell me? 403 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,760 [Jeremy] I thought Gerald had. We put it in this morning. 404 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,040 [Kaleb] Well, he didn't inform me. 405 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,760 What are you playing at? 406 00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,400 [Jeremy] Oh. Fuck's sake. 407 00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:58,720 [Kaleb] I nearly shit myself. 408 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:02,680 [Jeremy] Literally, we've had it in... three hours. 409 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,320 I mean, I was hoping never-- Oh. 410 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,920 I can't... Where's the fucking door? 411 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:09,880 [coughs] 412 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,560 [soft music] 413 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,880 [Jeremy] That night, another piece of technology swung into action. 414 00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:19,800 [mooing] 415 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,440 [Jeremy] Where is she? 416 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:28,720 Oh! 417 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:29,720 Oh, it's out. 418 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:32,560 She's got a balloon coming out of her back bottom. 419 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:33,760 Right. 420 00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,000 [groans] 421 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,960 Come on. It's OK. Come on. 422 00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:39,800 [Jeremy] Having put the mum-to-be in her own pen, 423 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,880 we waited for Kaleb to arrive. 424 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:44,880 This'll be our first one. 425 00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,640 'Cause all the others have been born when no one was looking. 426 00:19:49,280 --> 00:19:51,320 [cow mooing] 427 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,920 [Jeremy] Oh. 428 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,560 Oh, hello, hello, hello. Look. 429 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:57,560 That's not piss now, look. 430 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,440 That's baby juice, isn't it? 431 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,040 [Lisa] No, it's not, because the baby juice is all in the sack. 432 00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:05,320 I don't know how the back of a cow works. 433 00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,640 All right? 434 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:07,880 [Jeremy] We don't know. 435 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,400 [Jeremy] She keeps arching her back and then fluid comes out. 436 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:11,800 Yeah, she's starting to... 437 00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:13,080 -[Jeremy] Push? -Push. 438 00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,320 [Kaleb] Give her a bit of time. Relax. 439 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:20,240 How long after you get the party balloon do you get a cow? 440 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,880 -20 minutes, half an hour, hour... -[Jeremy] Really? 441 00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,920 It varies. 442 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,200 [groans] 443 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,000 [Jeremy] Look, more calf's coming. 444 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:35,560 What's that, looks like... 445 00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:37,320 -A hoof. -It looks alien. 446 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:40,680 That's just a hoof. That's a front foot, yeah? 447 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:41,800 [Kaleb] Yeah. 448 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,160 [Jeremy] Push. Push, push, push. 449 00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:45,560 [groans] 450 00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,680 [Lisa] Oh man, I feel it for you. 451 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:52,280 [Lisa] I think her contractions have slowed right down. 452 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,200 -[Kaleb] They have a little, right? -[Lisa] Mmm. 453 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,080 [soft music] 454 00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:59,760 [Jeremy] Two hours after the Moocall had texted me, 455 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:02,320 the calf still hadn't been born. 456 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,800 -[Jeremy] Are you going in? -[Kaleb] Mm-hmm. 457 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,680 Can you please hold her tail ? 458 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:12,400 [Jeremy quietly] There's a good girl. There's a good girl. 459 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,440 [Jeremy] There's a good girl. 460 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:21,160 That's my girl. 461 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,320 -[Jeremy] Good girl. -I can feel the head. 462 00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,560 -[Jeremy] Where's the other leg? -On the side. 463 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:30,960 Everything's in the normal position. 464 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,560 But it definitely feels like it's a big, big calf. 465 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:39,280 [Jeremy] Kaleb reckoned this was now a job for Dilwyn. 466 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:42,200 I haven't seen the head yet. That's what's worrying me the most. 467 00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,040 But it does feel like a bloody big calf. 468 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,720 OK. Thank you. 469 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:48,880 He's gonna pop out. 470 00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,560 [soft music] 471 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,160 [car door slams] 472 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:58,280 What have we got? 473 00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,680 [Jeremy] It's been three hours. 474 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:00,880 Yeah? 475 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:02,600 Oh. 476 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,400 Oh, he is a big lad. 477 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,440 [Kaleb] A big old boy. I mean... A big old boy. 478 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,480 We'll give it a bit of a tug and see. 479 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:12,760 Are you just attaching the rope? 480 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:14,320 Yeah. 481 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:16,680 Good girl. 482 00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:20,640 Will the calf be in some distress? 483 00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,200 Yeah. The longer he is and the tighter it is there, 484 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,160 the tougher it is for him. 485 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,400 He is alive at the moment, so. 486 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:30,600 Oh man, that looks brutal. 487 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,080 [Jeremy] And this was just the start of it. 488 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:38,480 -[Dilwyn] Right. Where's the jack? -[Kaleb] Do you want the jack? 489 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:45,720 Bloody hell. 490 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:47,400 [Jeremy] Jesus. 491 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,440 I cannot believe I am seeing this. 492 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:53,680 [Dilwyn] Good girl. 493 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,480 So... Hold on. 494 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,880 [Jeremy] God, what a contraption that is. 495 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:00,760 [cow mooing] 496 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,560 [Lisa] Oh... 497 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,960 [jangling] 498 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:09,600 [Jeremy] Come on, darling. Come on. Good girl. 499 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,200 -[Jeremy] We've got the head. -We have. 500 00:23:15,400 --> 00:23:18,200 That is the first time I've seen the head all night. 501 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:20,640 [Dilwyn] It's very handy, this. 502 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,880 It's got about 8 men in it. The strength of 8 men. 503 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,320 -So you have to be very careful using it. -[Kaleb] It's a big one, that. 504 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,440 That's a huge... 505 00:23:35,760 --> 00:23:36,840 [Kaleb] Come on! 506 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:39,920 That's gonna feel better, isn't it? 507 00:23:40,080 --> 00:23:42,240 [cow mooing] 508 00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:43,720 [Dilwyn] Good girl. 509 00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:45,600 [Jeremy] Whoa! 510 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:49,640 [Jeremy] Yes. 511 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:50,600 [Lisa] Let me know when I can get me a go. 512 00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:53,680 [Jeremy] She's all right. She's blinking. He... it. 513 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,000 [Dilwyn] It's an "it" for the time being. 514 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,640 [cow mooing] 515 00:23:57,800 --> 00:24:00,560 Oh my God. Look at the size of its legs! 516 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:05,960 It's all right. 517 00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,400 -[Jeremy] Are you happy? -[Dilwyn] Yeah. It's a girl. 518 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:10,280 -[Jeremy] It's a girl? -[Dilwyn] Another one! 519 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:12,160 [Jeremy] Five girls! 520 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:16,080 Oh, look at the little face. 521 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:17,480 Oh, that is fantastic. 522 00:24:18,520 --> 00:24:20,680 She's an absolute beauty. 523 00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:22,840 [cow mooing] 524 00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:27,960 [Dilwyn] Do you like her? 525 00:24:28,640 --> 00:24:30,800 That is fantastic! 526 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,400 Thank you ever so much, both of you. 527 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:34,760 [Lisa] Thanks. 528 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:37,880 [Dilwyn] I've been doing this for years and it still gets you. 529 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,200 It really gets you. It's amazing. 530 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:43,040 You know, especially when she loves it so much. 531 00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:46,600 [Jeremy] And what would have happened had we not been around? 532 00:24:46,760 --> 00:24:48,600 Would that have been a tricky one? 533 00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:50,040 [cow mooing] 534 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,240 It's quite possible we would have lost the calf. 535 00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:53,200 -[Jeremy] Really? -Yeah. 536 00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:56,200 [Dilwyn] That calf needed to come out when it came out. 537 00:24:56,360 --> 00:24:57,840 [cow mooing] 538 00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:01,200 [upbeat music] 539 00:25:02,640 --> 00:25:07,080 [Jeremy] It was now less than a week until the big council showdown. 540 00:25:07,760 --> 00:25:10,640 So, over at the National Portrait Gallery, 541 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:15,560 Charlie was crossing the Ts on the restaurant application. 542 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,640 [audiobook voice] Vanessa, now dripping wet, emerged... 543 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,280 [Jeremy] While at the farm, 544 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,120 the hens were enjoying one of Lisa's audiobooks. 545 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,280 [audiobook voice] Reaching for a towel, 546 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:26,880 she ran it over her skin, 547 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:30,640 to absorb the moist droplets from her warm, supple body. 548 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,320 Adrian moved up behind her. 549 00:25:32,480 --> 00:25:36,280 Removing her towel, his firm touch made her heart flutter. 550 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:40,360 He dropped his pants to reveal his equipment. Perfection. 551 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:41,680 Thinking of the only... 552 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,680 [Jeremy] And I had to sit down with my local butcher... 553 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:47,720 Oh, Henry. Henry, dear boy. How are you? 554 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,720 [Jeremy] ...to discuss how much restaurant meat 555 00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:52,760 I could get from each of my cows. 556 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,360 So you've got three, four, five, six, seven joints off of each leg. 557 00:25:57,560 --> 00:26:00,400 So that's fourteen, each of which would feed twenty. 558 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,960 Rump. That's twenty-two steaks from each rump. 559 00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:05,560 -[Jeremy] Forty-four. -That's forty-four. 560 00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:09,960 [Jeremy] The numbers coming from Henry sounded like a meaty goldmine. 561 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,240 So a sirloin, you'd then get twenty, 562 00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:16,720 -twenty-four steaks out of each sirloin-- -So we'll go in the middle, then. 563 00:26:16,920 --> 00:26:18,440 [Jeremy] Twenty-two sirloin steaks. 564 00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:19,560 Times two. 565 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:21,320 -Oh, so forty-four, then. -Yeah. 566 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:22,720 How many fillet steaks? 567 00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:25,960 -Eight good eight-ounce steaks. -Fillet steaks. 568 00:26:26,120 --> 00:26:27,200 Times two. 569 00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,280 [Jeremy] Oh, so it's sixteen. 570 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,400 [Henry] You've got the rib of beef. 571 00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:32,880 You know, king of the roasts. 572 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,880 It's a four-bone rib, so sixteen people, per rib, so that's thirty-two. 573 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,240 -We've got the shins. -Each shin would probably weigh 574 00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:40,600 three kilos. 575 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:41,960 That's fifty people. 576 00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:43,800 Fifty people could have a stew. 577 00:26:44,320 --> 00:26:47,440 And five hundred and twenty people can have a burger. 578 00:26:47,640 --> 00:26:49,920 We're feeding seven-- eight hundred, 579 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,800 eight hundred and forty, eight fifty, eight sixty... Nine hundred... 580 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,520 and eighty-six people from one cow. 581 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,320 That's nearly a thousand people. 582 00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:03,560 Yeah, it is a helluva lot of meat. 583 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,080 [Jeremy] But then, everything came crashing down. 584 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:08,680 Oh God. 585 00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,000 If we've got sixty covers in the restaurant... 586 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:12,960 [Henry] Yeah. 587 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:15,840 And it's twice a day. That's a hundred and twenty people a day. 588 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:16,800 Yeah. 589 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,080 And I've got two cows that are ready to go, or will be soon. 590 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:21,240 Right. 591 00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,080 So if everybody did want beef, I'd have to close the restaurant 592 00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:25,080 after sixteen days. 593 00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,280 That's not good business, is it? 594 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:29,440 Oh God. 595 00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:31,920 [soft music] 596 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:36,360 [Jeremy] In the end it was Charlie who came up with a possible solution. 597 00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:39,000 He said that other local farmers might be happy 598 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,880 to provide their produce for the restaurant. 599 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,000 -[Jeremy] Hi, there. -Hello. 600 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:45,800 -[Jeremy] Hi, there. -[woman] Hello. 601 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,360 [Jeremy] So, we invited them over for a chat. 602 00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:50,720 [Jeremy] Thanks for coming. 603 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,440 We're planning on opening a restaurant 604 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:55,840 in the lambing barn next to the farm shop. 605 00:27:56,400 --> 00:27:59,760 And so I was really wondering if there might be some way 606 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:03,640 that we're able to buy from local farmers 607 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,520 and how that might work. Is that... 608 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,080 Yeah, I think that's exactly it. 609 00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:10,920 So, we're expecting, hopefully, a few people to come 610 00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:12,480 and eat at the restaurant. 611 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,360 And therefore we need to stock it with good local produce. 612 00:28:16,520 --> 00:28:17,480 [Jeremy] Anyone grow vegetables? 613 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:19,160 [woman] We grow vegetables. 614 00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:20,720 -[Jeremy] You grow vegetables? -Yeah. 615 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:21,960 [Charlie] We've got vegetablists. 616 00:28:22,120 --> 00:28:23,120 -[Jeremy] Yeah. -[laughter] 617 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,520 You need vegetables 'cause they're an accompaniment to food and-- 618 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,000 [laughter] 619 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:31,080 -You need something else, which-- -[woman] Something extra. 620 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,400 What do you grow? 621 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:37,400 We have quite a lot of sweetcorn. Broad beans. Courgettes. Pumpkins. 622 00:28:37,560 --> 00:28:42,080 Perfect. Has anyone got chicken, turkeys and geese? 623 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,000 We do some geese and turkeys. 624 00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,480 So we've got meat, we've got vegetables. 625 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,560 What do you have with it? Potatoes. 626 00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:50,480 -Potatoes. -[man] Potatoes, yes. 627 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:51,960 -Is that you? -Mm-hmm. 628 00:28:52,120 --> 00:28:53,320 [Jeremy] There, you see? 629 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:55,720 That's for the restaurant. We've got the beer. 630 00:28:55,920 --> 00:28:56,720 Have you had some... 631 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:58,520 [Jeremy] Up to this point, I'd only been thinking 632 00:28:58,720 --> 00:29:01,200 about the needs of Diddly Squat Farm. 633 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:02,560 But in the meeting, 634 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,200 it soon became clear that these hard-working folk 635 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:09,840 needed the restaurant even more than we did. 636 00:29:10,000 --> 00:29:11,480 [Jeremy] And anyone farm pigs? 637 00:29:11,640 --> 00:29:13,080 -Yes, we do. -[Jeremy] You do? 638 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:17,720 It's tough. The feed costs are horrific. The price of wheat. 639 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:18,720 Yeah. 640 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:20,880 And because there's a massive backup, 641 00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,720 we're not able to send those that we need to go to the abattoir. 642 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:25,440 Shortage of staff at the abattoirs? 643 00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,560 Well, there are staff at the abattoirs, there aren't enough. 644 00:29:28,720 --> 00:29:31,840 But the problem is, they're all processing EU pork 645 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,640 that's been bought cheaply, pushing us out, 646 00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:36,320 taking up the staff, 647 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:39,480 processing and packing meat that's come in cheap from the EU. 648 00:29:39,640 --> 00:29:43,640 Because their price is 37p cheaper than ours per kilo. 649 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,200 How can you compete against something that's so much cheaper? 650 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,160 And do supermarkets dictate the price? 651 00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,840 The price is dictated to you rather than you being able to negotiate 652 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,280 or set a price. 653 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:58,200 Are you allowed to sell wonky vegetables? 654 00:29:58,360 --> 00:29:59,800 Or do they want everything... 655 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,480 They sell wonky veg in the supermarket, don't they, 656 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:03,760 at a third of the price, 657 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:05,520 but it costs the same to grow a wonky potato 658 00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,640 as it does a beautiful-looking potato. 659 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,240 So they should just sell it at the same price, 660 00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:11,400 and it doesn't really matter 'cause it's a potato. 661 00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:12,600 [woman 2] And they taste the same. 662 00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,560 And they've got the same nutritional value. 663 00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,200 So can we have your imperfects? 664 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:17,320 -Yes. -They're just as good as... 665 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:18,280 [Jeremy] I know they are. 666 00:30:18,440 --> 00:30:20,920 They taste just as good, they're just a little bit wonky. 667 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:24,880 [Jeremy] It turned out that no one needed the restaurant more than Emma, 668 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:29,240 the local dairy farmer whose herd had been ravaged by TB. 669 00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,400 [Jeremy] So how many have you lost to TB now? 670 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,760 [sighing] Er, about sixty. 671 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:35,720 [Jeremy] Jesus. 672 00:30:36,160 --> 00:30:40,360 [Jeremy] And who was only being kept afloat by selling milk and milk shakes 673 00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:42,440 at our farm shop. 674 00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:46,280 Financially, without it, I think we would have had to give up. 675 00:30:46,440 --> 00:30:47,240 [Jeremy] Oh really? 676 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:48,920 [Emma] Because without the vending machines, 677 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:52,280 we're getting around twenty-six pence a litre for our milk. 678 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:56,760 I'm free labour. So we've got, you know... 679 00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:00,640 Well, I don't take a wage. We don't get paid. 680 00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:04,840 We've never taken a wage at the moment, because financially we can't. 681 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:06,920 By the time we've paid vet bills... 682 00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:09,280 Does that happen a lot in farming? 683 00:31:09,440 --> 00:31:10,560 [Emma] Yeah, a lot. 684 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,560 The margins are that tight that if you were to take a realistic wage, 685 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:18,000 we would have had to give up ten years ago. 686 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:22,160 Can you imagine any other industry working on this premise? 687 00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:23,440 No. 688 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:25,600 I'm... Honestly, all of it. 689 00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,360 It happens quite often. You know. 690 00:31:28,920 --> 00:31:31,040 [Jeremy] The meeting ended with an agreement to form 691 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:32,840 a sort of cooperative. 692 00:31:33,000 --> 00:31:33,800 Definitely, yeah. 693 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,040 And I think it'd be nice to be able to say 694 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,680 the food that you've got in there is-- 695 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:39,960 Came from, well, you. I can point at your farm. 696 00:31:40,760 --> 00:31:42,960 "You see what you're eating? That's its mum." 697 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:45,160 [Jeremy] And having heard from Emma, 698 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:49,120 I realised just how vital it was that the council granted us 699 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:52,240 planning permission for the restaurant. 700 00:31:56,280 --> 00:31:58,200 [birds chirping] 701 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:02,200 Early the next morning, one of the Moocalls sounded an alarm. 702 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,000 [cow mooing] 703 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,040 And this time Kaleb knew straight away there was a problem. 704 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,920 He says that that strand of red hanging out of the back of her 705 00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,280 says that the bag in which the calf lives has burst, 706 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,800 which means the calf's in there with no life support. 707 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,240 So we're gonna have to get it out now. 708 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,040 I mean, not even trying to wait for Dilwyn. 709 00:32:28,120 --> 00:32:29,520 [Kaleb] Can you hold her tail like that for me? 710 00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:35,320 [cow mooing] 711 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:36,960 [Kaleb] Push, push, push. Good girl! 712 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:37,920 Push, push, push. 713 00:32:38,080 --> 00:32:39,360 -[Jeremy] Oh, it's coming. -Push, push... 714 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:40,720 [Jeremy] Push, push. Come on. 715 00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:43,360 [Kaleb muttering] 716 00:32:43,800 --> 00:32:45,360 [Kaleb] Darling, you've gotta push for me. 717 00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:46,320 [cow mooing] 718 00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:51,880 [Jeremy] Without Dilwyn's winch all we had was nineteen stone of Kaleb. 719 00:32:52,040 --> 00:32:56,320 Oh, that's a big fucking calf. Jesus Christ! 720 00:32:57,360 --> 00:33:00,080 Atta girl. Push, big push. Come on, come on, come on. 721 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:02,840 Come on, come on, come on. That's it, big push. There we go! 722 00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:05,040 [Jeremy] Yes! There's an eye! 723 00:33:05,200 --> 00:33:06,720 Big push again. 724 00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:07,840 Big push. 725 00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,640 [cow mooing] 726 00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,880 [Jeremy] Well done, Kaleb. That's an eye, an ear. 727 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,240 [cow mooing] 728 00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:21,080 [Jeremy] Yep. Get a straw. 729 00:33:22,400 --> 00:33:23,560 [Kaleb] Go on, quickly. 730 00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:27,720 [Jeremy] She's twitching, she's twitching. 731 00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:29,080 She's alive! Look! 732 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,640 [Kaleb] Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. 733 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,040 -[Jeremy] Shall we let mum at her? -[Kaleb] Yeah. 734 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:39,560 [Jeremy] Yeah, she's much better. 735 00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:40,960 Look at you! 736 00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,680 [cow mooing] 737 00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:46,280 That was good, that was. 738 00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,960 That's how you properly do it. 739 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:50,160 Not the ratchet strap thing. 740 00:33:50,320 --> 00:33:51,520 Don't get medieval... 741 00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:54,440 When she started pushing I could tell. 742 00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:55,960 [phone alarms ringing] 743 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,520 That's everybody's alarms! 744 00:33:57,680 --> 00:33:59,200 -[cameraman] Gotta come to work! -Yeah! 745 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:01,080 We're all getting our alarms! [laughter] 746 00:34:01,240 --> 00:34:03,160 Tragically, mine's gonna go off at eight. 747 00:34:03,320 --> 00:34:05,560 [laughs] A rather leisurely eight o'clock. 748 00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,160 [cow mooing] 749 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:15,000 [Jeremy] With 6 calves born successfully, 750 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,680 Project Cow was working well. 751 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,680 So now we just needed the final piece of the puzzle 752 00:34:21,880 --> 00:34:23,800 to fall into place. 753 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,440 [soft music] 754 00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:34,360 Before setting off to Red Tape Towers, 755 00:34:34,520 --> 00:34:36,960 Charlie and I had a pre-match meet. 756 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:37,920 Morning. 757 00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:41,520 I have actually dug out one of my Who Wants To Be A Millionaire outfits. 758 00:34:42,160 --> 00:34:44,160 -What time's the meeting? -Two o'clock. 759 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,440 [Jeremy] And His Cheerfulness had done a great job 760 00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:51,840 of answering everyone's concerns about our application. 761 00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:53,080 I've done a summary. 762 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:55,360 Let's have a look. 'Cause Parish Council's backing us. 763 00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:57,000 No longer an objection. 764 00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,480 Cotswolds Conservation Board, no objection. 765 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:01,160 Thames Valley Police, no objection. 766 00:35:01,320 --> 00:35:03,080 The Ecologist Group, no objection. 767 00:35:03,200 --> 00:35:05,520 Archaeologist, no objection. OCC Transport-- 768 00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:08,440 Oxfordshire County Council Transport. So that's the big one. 769 00:35:08,600 --> 00:35:09,680 No objection. 770 00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:11,040 [Jeremy] Drainage, no objection. 771 00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:12,520 Environmental Health, no objection. 772 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:16,120 And West Oxfordshire District Council Business Development, all supported. 773 00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:17,280 [Charlie] All support. 774 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:21,600 [Jeremy] By contrast, there seemed to be only two areas of resistance. 775 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:22,560 Business-- 776 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:24,640 So the Campaign To Protect Rural England 777 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,040 object due to more lights needing to go up. 778 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:28,200 But the lights need to go up 779 00:35:28,400 --> 00:35:30,680 because the police say we need to put lights in. 780 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,560 So one part of it, the police go "You need more lights." 781 00:35:33,760 --> 00:35:34,560 Because of security. 782 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,320 Yes. And then this lot say "You can't have any lights." 783 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:38,640 Honestly. 784 00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:44,120 [Jeremy] The second opponent was a local who had decided to be my nemesis. 785 00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:46,880 One of the people in the village, Hamish Dewar, 786 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:50,640 has employed a London planning barrister 787 00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,000 to submit his objections 788 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:54,800 on the application. 789 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,760 It's quite frightening, you know. 790 00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:59,640 I know you're reading it. But as he writes there, 791 00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:04,880 he puts we will develop "two million square metres." 792 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,600 Two million square metres. 793 00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,160 Do you know how big two million square metres is? 794 00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:14,160 -It's two square kilometres, isn't it? -Yes. Hectares? Acres? 795 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,760 Two hundred hectares, five hundred acres. 796 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,520 -[Jeremy] Five hundred acres? -You're gonna build a new town! 797 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:22,160 -[chuckling] Five hundred acres! -Sod the restaurant, 798 00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:23,200 you're putting up a hospital. 799 00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:25,280 That's half my farm! 800 00:36:25,440 --> 00:36:27,440 The worrying thing is the planning officer 801 00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,160 has put that straight into her report that they're reading today. 802 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:33,440 [Jeremy] I know one man has employed a barrister 803 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:35,640 and the barrister's opinion has been picked up wrong 804 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:37,480 by one woman at the council, 805 00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,160 but that doesn't mean they're going to refuse it. 806 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:41,880 -No, it doesn't. No. -Exactly. 807 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:47,880 [Jeremy] At this point, we headed off for the big meeting. 808 00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:49,560 [Jeremy] Look who's here. 809 00:36:50,560 --> 00:36:51,920 It's the G-dog. 810 00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:53,520 [Charlie] Hello. 811 00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:56,560 -[Jeremy] Council. -Yeah. Best of luck. 812 00:36:57,280 --> 00:36:59,080 [Charlie] Yeah, thanks, Gerald. 813 00:37:05,760 --> 00:37:08,560 [Jeremy] West Oxfordshire District Council offices. 814 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:10,640 [woman] Hiya. Are you here for the planning committee? 815 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,000 -[Jeremy] Yes. -[woman] Lovely. 816 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:17,120 [Jeremy] As we arrived, I thought of all the passion 817 00:37:17,280 --> 00:37:19,160 and the effort, and the money, 818 00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:23,320 we'd invested in this project over the last six months. 819 00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:26,640 It's £25,000. 820 00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:28,080 14,500 delivered. 821 00:37:28,280 --> 00:37:29,680 [Jeremy] All right, let's shake on that, then. 822 00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:30,920 Welcome. 823 00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:34,040 [Jeremy] Look at them! This is tremendous! 824 00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:36,680 £10,000 this was. 825 00:37:37,160 --> 00:37:38,400 [Kaleb] Fucking hell. 826 00:37:38,600 --> 00:37:40,040 [Alan] All the glass had to be double-glazed. 827 00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:41,880 All have to be up to building regs, safety. 828 00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:43,360 You've got all them people coming in here. 829 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:45,480 250,000. 830 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:47,400 [Kaleb] The cows are out! 831 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:52,440 Ow! Fucking hell. [groans] 832 00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,440 Make them into crisps. 833 00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:57,560 -[screams] -[Lisa] Oh my God! 834 00:37:58,160 --> 00:37:59,680 [Lisa] It is your thumb! 835 00:37:59,920 --> 00:38:01,760 [buzzing] 836 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,680 [coughing] 837 00:38:06,480 --> 00:38:08,320 [man] You've got a big old sett entrance here. 838 00:38:08,520 --> 00:38:10,880 [man 2] It is absolutely enormous just through here. 839 00:38:11,280 --> 00:38:12,080 [metal creaking] 840 00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,760 [Jeremy] Bloody hell. 841 00:38:14,960 --> 00:38:16,800 [ominous music] 842 00:38:17,480 --> 00:38:18,480 Shit. 843 00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:23,560 [man] Ultimately you're not a farmer, you're a media personality. 844 00:38:23,920 --> 00:38:26,680 -You don't need an income from the shop. -[Jeremy] The farm needs an income. 845 00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:30,320 [man] You personally do not need an income. 846 00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:34,800 Diddly Squat sponsors Chadlington Football Club. 847 00:38:37,520 --> 00:38:39,520 I'm being attacked by a cow! 848 00:38:39,680 --> 00:38:41,480 [Dilwyn] Good girl. 849 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:42,600 [cow mooing] 850 00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:43,760 [Jeremy and Lisa] Woah. 851 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:47,280 That is fantastic. 852 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:50,360 What a great sight that is. 853 00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,560 [man] Straight through there. Seats are on the left-hand side. 854 00:38:56,680 --> 00:38:59,560 [Jeremy] In our heads, the restaurant plan made sense. 855 00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:02,640 It would help the soil, it would help local farmers 856 00:39:02,800 --> 00:39:04,080 and local businesses, 857 00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:08,320 and it would help us offset the dwindling government subsidies. 858 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,840 But my experiences as a local newspaper reporter 859 00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:16,120 had taught me that council planners can be a law unto themselves, 860 00:39:16,280 --> 00:39:20,160 so I had no idea how this would go. 861 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:27,400 I think Hamish Dewar's over there, on the far side, white mask. Yeah. 862 00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,400 [hammering] 863 00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:35,360 [Jeff Haine] Good afternoon. 864 00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,640 A very warm welcome to members of the public. 865 00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:39,160 If I can start with a few introductions. 866 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:43,560 My name is Jeff Haine and I'm chairman of the Uplands Area Planning Committee. 867 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:45,760 To my left are the Council secretaries 868 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:48,160 that will record the minutes of this afternoon's meeting. 869 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:49,640 To my right are the planning officers 870 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,680 concerning the application before us today. 871 00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:54,360 We are an equal number of voters, 872 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:58,000 so in the event of a tie, I upcast the votes. 873 00:39:58,160 --> 00:40:00,840 Erm, all right, proceedings can begin. 874 00:40:01,360 --> 00:40:03,200 [Jeremy] First, a planning officer reminded everyone 875 00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:06,480 of what we were aiming to do. 876 00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:08,640 This application is for the conversion 877 00:40:08,800 --> 00:40:12,760 of an existing building to create a café restaurant. 878 00:40:12,960 --> 00:40:15,200 In this case the site lies within the Cotswolds Area 879 00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:16,960 of Outstanding Natural Beauty, 880 00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:20,120 where great weight should be given to conserving 881 00:40:20,280 --> 00:40:23,280 and enhancing landscape and scenic beauty. 882 00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:25,600 [Jeremy] Then it was the turn of the barrister 883 00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:29,800 who'd been employed by my staunch opponent from the village. 884 00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:33,160 Planning permission was granted as recently as 2019 885 00:40:33,360 --> 00:40:36,480 for a lambing shed with potential for occasional filmmaking. 886 00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:38,520 The applicant said then that sheep farming 887 00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:40,640 would improve the wider farming business. 888 00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,640 The reality is that the applicant has done sheep farming, 889 00:40:43,840 --> 00:40:45,440 he never intended to do it more than once, 890 00:40:45,600 --> 00:40:47,800 and the lambing shed was a Trojan horse 891 00:40:47,960 --> 00:40:50,280 conveniently located next to the farm shop, 892 00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:53,680 so it could be converted into a bar and restaurant. 893 00:40:53,880 --> 00:40:55,160 And that's what's happened. 894 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,560 The applicant's conduct is shameful. 895 00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,680 It indicates a give me an inch and I'll take a mile attitude, 896 00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:03,800 and it militates strongly against the grant of planning permission. 897 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,040 Granting planning permission conflicts with the statutory objective 898 00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:08,480 of conserving and enhancing the area 899 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:09,640 of outstanding natural beauty. 900 00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:13,280 That, speaking frankly, is a matter of obvious common sense. 901 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:14,920 Turning countryside into a car park 902 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:18,480 and introducing additional congestion visually and on the transport network 903 00:41:18,640 --> 00:41:21,080 harms the AONB and its tranquillity. 904 00:41:21,800 --> 00:41:24,000 It would never normally be granted planning permission 905 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:27,120 and there is no reason why it should be in this case. 906 00:41:27,280 --> 00:41:29,000 [Jeff Haine] Thank you, Mr Streeten. 907 00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,840 [Jeremy] After this minor kicking 908 00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:33,760 I was given three minutes to plead my case. 909 00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,480 Er, thank you for having us. 910 00:41:36,640 --> 00:41:40,160 Much has been made of the fact that this area is an area 911 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:42,640 of outstanding natural beauty, which it is. 912 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:46,160 And the reason it is is because farmers maintain it. 913 00:41:46,360 --> 00:41:49,160 Farmers look after the woodland, they look after the hedges, 914 00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,560 the streams, the fields, they keep it beautiful. 915 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:54,480 But farmers are not going to be able to do that 916 00:41:54,640 --> 00:41:58,440 for much longer because of the parlous state of their finances. 917 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:01,080 We have been told as farmers to diversify, 918 00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:04,600 and that is exactly what this proposal is. 919 00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:08,040 It's diversification of a farming business. 920 00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:12,080 I know council from whom you've just heard has prepared a report. 921 00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:15,080 I've read it. And if you can wade through the spelling mistakes, 922 00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:18,600 you get to the fact that the car park was going to be two square kilometres. 923 00:42:18,800 --> 00:42:22,080 That's five hundred acres. Now, that's half the size of the farm. 924 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:23,480 Now, in my old job, 925 00:42:23,640 --> 00:42:25,080 I might have paved over the countryside, 926 00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:26,640 but I've moved on from that 927 00:42:26,800 --> 00:42:28,920 and I don't want to do any such thing. 928 00:42:29,080 --> 00:42:32,560 It's a very small car park, very sensitively put together. 929 00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:35,640 We've already started talking to our neighbouring farmers, 930 00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:38,640 the idea being that we do the beef and the potatoes 931 00:42:38,800 --> 00:42:40,840 and somebody else does the chicken, the milk... 932 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:42,080 So we all come together. 933 00:42:42,200 --> 00:42:45,480 Locally produced food sold in this restaurant. 934 00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:47,640 Everyone's very excited about that. 935 00:42:47,840 --> 00:42:51,320 And we don't have to build anything. The building is already there. 936 00:42:51,520 --> 00:42:54,080 So I commend the plans to you 937 00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:56,640 and I very much hope for the sake of our farm 938 00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:58,840 and all the farmers in the area 939 00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:00,920 that you grant planning permission to us. 940 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:02,960 Thank you very much for your time. 941 00:43:05,520 --> 00:43:07,360 [whispers] You should learn to spell. 942 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:11,800 [Jeremy] It was then time for the councillors to debate the issue. 943 00:43:11,960 --> 00:43:15,080 And encouragingly, I did have some support. 944 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:18,920 Well, I never thought I'd say this, 945 00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:21,880 but I agree with everything Mr Clarkson said. 946 00:43:22,040 --> 00:43:24,840 I love the idea of the cooperative working together. 947 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:28,160 We live in a rural area and we have to support farmers. 948 00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,800 And they're facing unprecedented hardship now. 949 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,520 And if we don't support initiatives like this, 950 00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:36,960 then we're going to see them disappear 951 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:39,160 and then our whole landscape in West Oxfordshire changes. 952 00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:43,920 Driving up towards the site, Diddly Squat, 953 00:43:44,080 --> 00:43:45,120 from Chadlington, 954 00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:46,720 is about a mile. 955 00:43:47,560 --> 00:43:49,560 It's only in the last couple of hundred yards 956 00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:52,040 that you actually see the site. 957 00:43:52,200 --> 00:43:57,000 And when you go further away from it, it's not really truly visible. 958 00:43:57,840 --> 00:44:00,240 Now, of traffic complaints. 959 00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:04,520 If we accept a slightly larger volume of traffic in the district 960 00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:07,720 for better employment prospects for your family in the future, 961 00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:11,920 I believe that the general public will accept the extra traffic 962 00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,200 for the economic benefits that this produces. 963 00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:15,600 [Jeff Haine] Thank you. 964 00:44:15,800 --> 00:44:18,360 [Jeremy] Then the naysayers opened up. 965 00:44:18,800 --> 00:44:21,760 I think one of my concerns 966 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:26,560 is the potentially harmful impact on the rural character 967 00:44:26,720 --> 00:44:29,640 and scenic beauty and tranquillity of the area, 968 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,960 plus the fact of having a seventy-vehicle car park 969 00:44:33,120 --> 00:44:35,120 in a rural location anyway. 970 00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:39,200 It strikes me as not being appropriate in the AONB. 971 00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:41,880 [woman] From the point of view of the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, 972 00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:44,120 there's a lot of real concern here 973 00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:45,880 about how it fits into that. 974 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,120 You know, it is an area where "dark skies" 975 00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:51,200 could almost be achieved because there's very little housing around there. 976 00:44:51,880 --> 00:44:54,680 I just find that argument constantly frustrating. 977 00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:56,320 And we say about the "dark skies"... 978 00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:58,640 I don't know anyone that stands and looks up at dark skies 979 00:44:58,800 --> 00:45:00,000 and goes, "Oh, dark skies." 980 00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:03,400 There are people living in the Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty 981 00:45:03,560 --> 00:45:04,440 and they need jobs. 982 00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,400 [man] I just would say to my good friend Councillor 983 00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:11,360 that I do go out for dark skies. 984 00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:13,080 [woman] Do you? 985 00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:14,720 [man] And I didn't stay up until half past ten last night 986 00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,000 watching Sky At Night for nothing. 987 00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:18,480 [laughing] 988 00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:19,600 [Jeff Haine] Thank you. 989 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:23,600 Do members have any matters of clarification? 990 00:45:23,800 --> 00:45:26,200 [Jeremy] The debate had gone the full twelve rounds. 991 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:28,040 No? 992 00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:32,600 [Jeremy] And I just hoped that common sense and logic had won the day. 993 00:45:34,480 --> 00:45:37,120 [Jeff Haine] All those in favour of refusal please show. 994 00:45:42,520 --> 00:45:44,160 And those against. 995 00:45:45,320 --> 00:45:47,080 The application is refused. 996 00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:49,360 [dramatic music] 997 00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:13,160 [Jeremy] Shit. Shit, shit, shit. 998 00:46:16,040 --> 00:46:19,440 It's gonna be 30 years. 30 years before we turn a profit. 999 00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:20,560 You can appeal. 1000 00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:21,760 The Secretary of State. 1001 00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:23,160 [Kaleb] What's a Secretary of State? 1002 00:46:23,840 --> 00:46:25,680 If you're all ready... go. 1003 00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:30,800 [Jeremy] Holy shit! Look at this! 1004 00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:32,240 [Kaleb] That's amazing. 1005 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:34,680 [theme music playing] 1006 00:46:35,305 --> 00:47:35,501 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today