[theme music playing]
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That's not a happy face.
-[Jeremy] Well, it isn't a happy face. -What happened?
-They're not going to do it at all? -No.
Total refusal.
And the lawyer told the council... All right, Alan.
That's made us redundant then, for the next six months.
[Jeremy] You're redundant.
Fucking planners.
You must have come across them a lot.
[Alan] Fucking ridiculous.
Fifty plus people, that would have employed.
[Alan] Unbelievable.
What about all the farmers that would have employed, you know,
pork and stuff like that, local people?
[Jeremy] I know. We told them that.
Crop to farm. It's not gonna happen now, is it?
[Jeremy] And now we've got these cows
and absolutely no way of selling them profitably.
[Kaleb] We're committed now, aren't we?
-Investment. -[Jeremy] Yeah.
-'Cause there was gonna be a restaurant. -Yeah.
I know people at home are going to be thinking
"Why did he spend all this money before he got planning permission?"
Well, if the restaurant opened in April, May,
whenever Alan got it built,
you had to be able to sell something. That's why we got the cows now.
'Cause I couldn't see a reason why they'd turn the planning permission down.
I didn't know that that man watches Sky At Night.
I couldn't see that that was a relevant fact.
-You can appeal. -Secretary of State.
What's a Secretary of State? What does that mean?
Secretary of State is the actual government.
[Charlie] Yeah.
We can't not do anything.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] The next day at the farm shop,
Lisa and I were discussing the fallout.
So you know I worked out last night how much I spent on the cows so far?
[Lisa] No.
-Right. On the whole cow enterprise... -Yeah.
Bearing in mind we were going to get
£10,000 a cow in the restaurant.
This is the cost so far of the cow enterprise--
£240,822.20!
Yeah.
Nigh on a quarter of a million pounds.
-Now, if you sell ten grand a cow... -Yeah?
-Twenty-five cows... -Yeah.
Ten grand, and we've paid for the cow enterprise.
[Jeremy] If you were to sell a cow to a supermarket,
you get twelve hundred quid, basically, for a cow.
So, now I've got to sell 250 cows.
And I haven't got 250 cows.
I mean, it's gonna be thirty years... thirty years before we turn a profit.
[Jeremy] The other problem was that our request to make a parking area
had been tied in to the restaurant application.
So now, because it had all been refused,
we wouldn't be able to provide parking for visitors to the farm shop.
The council's saying that this is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty,
which it isn't, because... look.
And we say to them, "Can we have permission to put some hardstanding down
"so that visitors can not chew the fields up?"
"No, you can't."
And people can't go in that, so they go and park on the verge.
If you come and look at this...
So the locals complain that people are parking on the verge and chewing them up.
Which is true, they are.
Right, so we say to the council, "Can we build a car park?"
"No, you can't."
[Jeremy] Back at the office,
I discovered that even people on their side of the fence
agreed with me.
I've had messages on social media from councillors
in other councils saying...
that decision was idiotic
and that I should take them to court.
And I've had one from Roger Daltrey saying,
"Welcome to the land of no.
"I'm sorry to hear your planning was turned down, Jeremy.
"How dare you diversify."
This is the lead singer of The Who.
I'll listen more to him than some... Herbert councillor.
"I am putting in planning permission for a microbrewery on my farm.
"Water from a spring, hops and grain from the local farms.
"The cost of just putting in the planning with all the environmental surveys,
"newts, bats, earwigs and such: £70,000.
"How can the average farmer afford that?
"Oh boy, can you have some fun with this when you go to appeal.
"Be lucky, mate. Roger."
[sighs]
[Jeremy] I then had to break the news to our little cooperative.
-[Jeremy] They've turned us down. -[man] Yeah, we heard.
That's really disappointing for us.
We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more pigs.
Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment.
Pig farmers are suffering... Well, I was about to say "more than anyone."
But Emma's got TB, so.
So how many... You've lost sixty cows now?
Yeah. Yeah, sixty in total.
[Jeremy] And you can't get rid of pigs.
We can't get rid of them.
And the price is horrendous. And the feed costs are astronomical.
We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat
at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs.
They're making no money.
Jesus!
[Jeremy] I then went back to the farm,
and got some bad news about the thumb-flavoured crisps
I'd been making from our potatoes.
"Environmental and regulatory services of West Oxfordshire District Council.
"According to the results, the sample measures
"10,500 micrograms of acrylamide."
What?
My crisps are carcinogenic.
How many people knew
that a certain type of potato
when cooked in a certain type of oil
could perhaps cause cancer?
How would you know that?
[mutters]
Prepared from twenty...
[groans]
So if I want to make crisps, I have to use a different type of potato.
That means I've got-- How many tons of Melody potatoes
have I got in cold storage?
Which have started to sprout.
Oh God!
[Jeremy] The only good news
is that we couldn't actually sell the crisps anyway
because at this point, we didn't even have a farm shop.
[Jeremy] Right. So we'll clear all this out.
[Lisa] Yeah.
[Jeremy] The council had decided that its traditional green-tin roof
was an eyesore and that it must be replaced with slate.
So the shop had had to close while the work was done.
The problem we've got is because we're having to put heavy slate on,
these simple beams and rafters, or whatever they're called,
aren't strong enough.
So we've gotta replace the whole structure of the roof.
It's almost like the council knew.
"Can we put composite slate on," which is light? "No.
"Gotta be proper slate."
It's, um...
[scoffs]
[Jeremy] While the roof work was going on,
Charlie was busy preparing a new separate planning application
for a parking area.
That car park is, you know, absolutely vital
to service the needs of the farm shop.
And if we've ticked the box with the roof,
I'm really hopeful they turn around and say,
"Yeah, great, have your car park."
[Jeremy] That left me free to get on with some actual farming.
The hens didn't need much attention
as they were still toughing it out in bird-flu quarantine.
[Margaret Thatcher's voice] To those waiting with baited breath
for their favourite media catchphrase "the U-turn",
I have only one thing to say.
You turn if you want to.
[laughter]
[Jeremy] But the new calves all needed to have their ears pierced.
And, as I didn't know how to do that,
I had to ask Kaleb for help.
[Kaleb] These are the taggers, yeah?
[Jeremy] So that goes through their ear?
Yeah. We've gotta find 10002.
-[Jeremy] What, in there? -There it is. Look.
Open up, open up. Relax.
Give it a bit of a spray with iodine.
Just to disinfect it. And then go put it in his ear.
-I'm not doing that. -Why?
Could you just-- It's the first one. I've gotta see it being done.
Hold that one, then. You do the tags, I'll do the ear.
[Kaleb grunts]
[Jeremy] They're all a bit surprised by this.
[Kaleb] Steady, steady, steady.
I'm gonna get killed in a minute. Let's do it quick.
You get 'em like that. Yeah?
[cow mooing]
[Jeremy] It's all right, cow. Relax. We should have brought some nuts--
[Kaleb] Right, number two. We've got another one.
-[Jeremy] What? -Quickly.
[Jeremy] What? Another one of what?
[Kaleb] The other number two. We've gotta put two in their ears.
You didn't tell me that. There's thirty-seven, five...
-[Kaleb] I need two... -Two!
[Kaleb] Got 'em?
[Jeremy] Please tell me I've done this right.
[Jeremy] You've got new earrings! Yes! Look at your earrings!
It's like going to Accessorize, this is.
[Kaleb] Next one, quick.
[Kaleb groans]
-No. -[Jeremy] Is that your testes?
Yeah.
I reckon you could definitely tackle this calf.
[Kaleb] Right, come on, then, quickly. Quickly, quickly.
[Jeremy] What?
-[Kaleb] You see them two marks? -No!
[Kaleb] There, look.
[Jeremy] I haven't got my glasses on. There?
[Kaleb] No, no, no. Now. Squeeze hard.
-[Kaleb] Hard! Hard! -[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up...
-Hard, hard. That's it. Perfect.
[Jeremy] I did a thing!
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Once the tagging was complete,
the numbers all had to be registered with the government's cow police.
So, Kaleb stayed in the shed
and rang them through to Charlie and me.
-[Kaleb] Right. Are you ready? -[Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] So, 300225...
[Charlie] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Is the mother of
50002.
Whoa, whoa... 400002?
-[Kaleb] No, 5. -5. 5?
How can that be?
[Kaleb] Trust me. Hear me out, hear me out. Chill out. Chill out.
Right.
And now, I don't know.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Kaleb] The 400177...
Yeah?
225's heifer calf is which one?
[Kaleb] Number 1.
[Charlie] No, that was 164's, Kaleb...
[Kaleb] Number 3.
No, number 2.
Oh my God, this is hard.
The chances of these being registered accurately: nought.
I'm still not happy about 300225.
That's the mother.
[Kaleb] Yeah? I just told you, that's number 2.
-[Charlie] No, you didn't. -[Kaleb] 3, sorry.
[Charlie] Yeah... Which one? Which one?
[Kaleb] Poppy's mum. I just read her out, yeah?
I don't know who Poppy is.
-The first one. Number 1. -[Kaleb] Right.
400177
is the mother of
40001.
Last time you said 500164
had calf 400001.
[Kaleb] 2.
That's number 2.
[Jeremy and Charlie laughing]
No, seriously...
[Kaleb] I'm going from the beginning.
Oh no!
No! God!
Has anybody got a gun?
[Jeremy] After all that,
we assumed that registering the numbers with the cow police
would be a breeze.
[automated voice] Thank you for calling the British Cattle Movement Service.
Many of our people are still working from home,
so you may hear additional background noise.
We've gone back to work.
[automated voice] For information on how we handle personal data,
go to www.gov.uk and search Rural Payments Agency...
This is what we have to put up with.
[automated voice] ...Personal Information Charter.
To report animal births, movements and deaths to us,
press one.
Please tell me your county parish holding number.
That's the CPH.
Three, three, slash, one, zero, two,
slash, zero, one, six, zero.
[automated voice] Thank you. Was that: three, zero, one...
No! No.
[automated voice] ...zero, two, zero, one?
Okay. Sorry about that. Let's try again.
Please tell me your county parish holding number.
Three, three,
one, zero, two,
zero, one, six, zero.
[automated voice] Thank you.
Was that: three, three, one, zero, two,
zero, one, six, zero?
Yes.
[automated voice] Right. Please wait while I check those details.
Sorry, there isn't a match between the CPH number
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No ?
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For further help and information,
please hang up and call the following number
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Charlie, that was all recorded, OK?
I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.
They can piss off.
I hate the government so much.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Mercifully, I was scheduled to spend the next day
with a normal, nice, proper person
who wasn't from the government.
All right, looking for a man called Robin,
who is a hedge person.
[Jeremy] Robin is a scout for the British Hedgelaying Society.
And he'd come to see me because Diddly Squat
had been invited to host a prestigious competition.
There he is.
Examining the hedge.
Excellent.
-[Jeremy] Robin. Are you well? -Always good.
[Jeremy] Have you found a suitable hedge?
[Robin] Yes.
So we're going to lay this hedge, with your permission,
from here right way round to there.
And we'll have thirty-two competitors doing five different styles.
[Jeremy] You're basically making a fence out of a hedge?
[Robin] Yes. Well, see, it's a craft.
[Jeremy] In my mind, I was being rather cunning,
because I assumed I was getting a free fence.
However...
[Robin] The competition, we start it at nine.
Five hours. You'll be very kind to provide them with something to eat.
-Oh, so I'm doing lunch? -Yes, yes.
How many people?
Thirty-two.
-Plus... -And wives and partners.
So it could be sixty? Seventy?
-Yes, yes. -So, big lunch.
And does that tend to be in the house or do we put up a marquee?
-If you're gonna put up a marquee... -A marquee.
And at the end of this,
you will put in the prize money, etcetera.
-So I do the prize money? -Yes, you do.
What sort of level of prize money would it normally be?
Per class, it's about £240.
£240 per class and there's five classes?
Five classes, yes.
[Jeremy] This news caused me to break out my emergency first-aid kit.
[Robin] Oh my God!
I'd been sitting looking at the sloe gin...
I mean the sloe berries.
These are ones we made earlier.
Oh my God. This is good.
-Cheers! -[Robin] Cheers to you.
That's good.
-The sloe's out of there. -Yeah.
Mixed with a little bit of gin.
There's a drink here... I don't know if you've come across it, King's Ginger.
Which I'm always amused by.
It says here: "This ginger beverage
"was specifically formulated by Berry Brothers in 1903
"for King Edward VII."
"It was created to stimulate His Majesty
"during morning rides in his new horseless carriage."
It was actually invented for drinking and driving!
-"This'll keep you warm, sir." -Horseless carriage!
[Jeremy] In his new horseless carriage in 1903.
Yeah, yeah.
So, my mine's evaporated.
[laughs]
[Jeremy] After Robin's hedge fund had emptied my wallet
and my drinks cabinet,
I went off to see the entrepreneurial foetus,
who'd just invested in some new kit
for his ever-growing farm contracting business.
[Kaleb] What do you think?
Have you got a new tractor?
A bit small.
[Kaleb] What do you mean, "small"?
210 horsepower.
-[Jeremy] Well, with boost. -Yeah. Yeah.
[Jeremy] 185.
What do you think of the wheels, though? I customised it.
-[Jeremy] Black wheels? -Black wheels.
[Kaleb] I put a go-fast stripe on it as well.
Where is it? Is it on the roof?
No, on the bonnet. So it starts here, look.
[Jeremy laughs]
So that's your go-faster stripe?
-[Kaleb] And it's on the top as well. -Yeah, because...
So the only evidence that you've got a go-faster stripe is that.
Yeah.
185 horsepower. How much was it?
A hundred and four.
Two and a half times more expensive than my tractor
and with a hundred horsepower less.
Lifting capacity of this?
Eight point seven-five?
-Ten and a half. -Yeah?
I've got GPS.
Right. And how long do you think you're gonna have GPS before it's stolen?
Oh, a couple of months.
What's the longest a farmer's ever owned GPS
before they get up in the morning and someone's nicked it?
Probably six months is the longest time.
[Jeremy] His piddly tractor's first job
would be to help me plant the spring barley.
[Kaleb] You're missing a few, um...
pins, look.
[Jeremy] Which meant attaching the drill
to my vastly superior Lambo.
-[Kaleb] Oh my God! -[Jeremy] What?
[Kaleb] It's a little shrew or something.
-[Jeremy] Oh, there he is! Oh wow! -[Kaleb] Get the gun.
[Jeremy] Don't be so unkind.
-[Jeremy] You're not frightened of mice? -I don't like rats and mice.
-It's not a rat, it's a mouse. -[Kaleb] Can you finish him off, please?
I'm not gonna finish him off!
And I'm not going out there with him in there.
[Jeremy] Do you think that goes all the way down?
[Kaleb] Yeah, yeah.
[Jeremy] Come on, little mouse.
[Kaleb] Just dangle it down there. He'll be all right.
[Jeremy] This is kind to the environment and kind to animals.
Sir Attenborough would like me for doing this.
[Jeremy] There he goes! Mr Mouse!
[Kaleb] He's underneath your wheel. He's actually underneath your wheel.
As soon as you move, you're gonna kill him.
He's in the tyre tracks of the tractor down there.
Come on! Out. [kicks wheel]
[Kaleb] we can't afford to lose any more time 'cause of the mouse.
Oh bloody hell. I mean, there's a lot of decisions in farming
but this is a really nasty one.
[Kaleb] Just go.
[Kaleb] We've gotta go drilling.
[Jeremy] If I roll back a millimetre,
Mr Mouse is toast.
[engine]
Now, that is how you do a hill start.
[Jeremy] But then, when I lifted the drill...
Oh shit. I've rolled back!
[Kaleb] You just killed that poor mouse. I'll bury him.
Back up.
[Jeremy] No, forwards.
Is he stuck to the tyre?
[Kaleb] He lived!
[delighted laughter]
[Kaleb] Meow! [laughter]
The mouse lives because I can drive.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Crisis over, we got down to planting.
Look at this, we are working as a team now.
You're fertilising and I'm drilling in the same field at the same time.
[Jeremy] And instead of expensive chemical fertiliser...
We were using my very own chicken muck,
which made Kaleb very happy.
My brand-new tractor's covered in chicken shit. It stinks.
[Jeremy] The spring barley from here, if the quality's good enough,
will go to the brewery and will be made into Hawkstone beer.
That's why we have to do it really, really, really
to the best of our abilities.
[Jeremy] However, at the moment there was neither a farm shop
nor a restaurant in which to sell that beer.
But, over at the Royal Academy,
Charlie was working on a plan to sort that out.
To take the restaurant appeal to the next level
is to take it to the Secretary of State.
We've got one shot at this. This is our last chance.
So we need the best specialist advisors to help with this,
and, you know, barristers and lawyers.
And I'm looking at, you know, who they are now.
[lively music]
[Jeremy] By some miracle,
Charlie had also managed to register the calves with the cow police.
And today was yet another milestone in their adolescence,
because two of them were due to be dehorned.
[Dilwyn] So I'm just gonna jab 'em.
[Jeremy] And this is what? To calm them down?
Just to make 'em... They'll hopefully fall asleep.
-[Kaleb] Bring that gate round this way. -[Jeremy] What, now?
-[Kaleb] Yeah. -[Jeremy] That's the ticket.
-[Kaleb] This one first? -[Dilwyn] Yeah.
-[Kaleb] Where does it go? -[Dilwyn] In the neck.
-[Dilwyn] Is this the other one? -[Kaleb] Yeah.
[Dilwyn] Jolly good.
We'll just leave 'em now for 10-15 minutes and they'll just fall asleep.
[Jeremy] Why do you get rid of their horns?
[Dilwyn] Because the ones with horns become dominant and bully the rest.
-[Kaleb] And safety for us as well. -[Dilwyn] Yeah.
[Kaleb] Oh, there you go, look. He's down.
Look at his face.
[Jeremy] Yeah, really sleepy.
The mother looking all concerned, look.
All right, mum, she's fine.
[Jeremy] There we go.
-[Jeremy] What's this? A local? -[Dilwyn] Yes.
[Dilwyn] Normally, when they're conscious you're grappling with them now.
But because we knocked 'em out, it's a lot less stressful for the calf.
[Jeremy] Dilwyn's medical equipment then became slightly less high-tech.
[Jeremy] Oh my giddy aunt. You've set fire to her head.
Holy cow!
[Kaleb] So you keep going round in a circle.
[Jeremy] But there's actually flames.
[Jeremy] Aw. That must hurt.
Aw!
[Jeremy] And this kills the horn?
[Dilwyn] Yeah, it burns the germinal layer,
which is the bit of the horn that grows.
So you get rid of the horn
and also you get rid of the tissue where the horn grows from.
Is this iodine you're putting on there, Kaleb?
[Dilwyn] It's an antibiotic spray, actually,
to stop it becoming infected.
And I'm gonna give her an injection of a pain killer
'cause one of the things that sometimes happens
is, as the anaesthetic wears off, the head becomes tickly.
[Jeremy] I don't think anybody who's ever had their head set on fire
says, "It's a bit tickly."
[Dilwyn] So there, that's one done.
[Jeremy] Poor little fella.
[Jeremy] Thankfully, the coming weekend's activities
promised to be much less stressful.
[epic music]
[Jeremy] Thirty-two of the country's finest competitors,
each allotted a nine-metre section of unkempt hedge,
would be making a living fence
using five different styles.
Dorset,
North Somerset,
Midland,
Lancs & Westmorland
and Welsh.
[man] Welcome to Diddly Squat.
Judging will take place through the day.
The scores will be added up on the computer this time,
so there'll be no mistake.
[laughter]
If you're all ready, go!
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] These premier-league fencemakers had five hours
to complete their hedges.
And it wasn't just a beauty contest.
This is the traditional way of creating a fence,
an impenetrable fence, from a hedge.
They've been doing it this way for...
hundreds of years.
The idea is, you cut the trunk, but not completely,
and then bend it over.
Here we go, look.
And he pulls them down. Look at that.
You just go, "Well, you've ruined that," but he hasn't.
They're still attached to the roots.
But it'll now be going that way.
And then you have to find another one to sort of intertwine it with.
And then you've got a living...
Literally a living fence
through which sheep can't pass.
When they get the trunk down to that, you say,
"Well, don't bend that, it's just going to snap."
-[Jeremy] But it doesn't. -[man] No.
[man] Eighty percent is what you want to be looking for.
-Eighty? -Eighty percent cut.
-[Jeremy] You need twenty percent left? -[man] Yeah.
[Jeremy] And twenty percent is enough
-to keep the plant alive? -Yes.
[chainsaw]
[Jeremy] As the hedge-bound managers toiled away,
they were joined by a rival from "Wall Street", and his wife.
-[Jeremy] Hi, Gerald. -Good morning.
-[Jeremy] How are you, Mrs Gerald? -Fine, thank you.
-[Jeremy] This is good, innit? -Yeah, it is.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
Yeah.
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
This, I don't know, I think I'll just...
[continues speaking indistinctly]
That's what I didn't like about the job.
[Gerald's wife laughing]
Well, I'm gonna have a try at this.
[Jeremy] In fact, Kaleb and I both decided to have a try.
Have you noticed again
how we are hitting every single diversity target
that you have to hit on TV these days?
Black, homosexual, transitioning.
-That's what I used. -Which do you want? That one?
I mean, I've gotta have the feel for it.
Why won't it cut... It won't cut through this.
Yeah, that's exactly what I was about to do. Just show me again.
[Kaleb] Don't do it all for him.
[Jeremy] And again. Yeah!
[Jeremy] Having trimmed the branches, on my own,
I switched to the axe...
which went well.
[Jeremy] Oh, God!
[Kaleb] It's thinner. Shall I start at the top
and then come down nicely like that?
[man] Yeah. That's nice.
-[Kaleb] A bit more? -[man] Yeah.
[man] Excellent. Excellent.
[Jeremy groans]
[Jeremy] I've got it.
Jeremy? Are you doing Midland style?
I'm doing a Brazilian, unless I get it wrong,
in which case it's a Hollywood.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
Do you not know what a Brazilian is?
I've never ever seen a Brazilian person.
[Jeremy] Mercifully, we were interrupted at this point by Gerald,
who wanted to inspect my handiwork.
[Jeremy] That looks great, doesn't it?
[Gerald] Dear oh dear.
[Jeremy] But that, that... those...
[Gerald] What a load of shit. I mean... [speaks indistinctly]
Every time you pull out you've gotta try and get the baby between the stumps.
You're never gonna... [speaking indistinctly]
'Cause you're looking at cars and buses and stuff all the time.
You can't mow-- You know, it's like mowing grass.
You go whoof, like that, one hit, and it's all done, innit?
[man] Yeah.
[Gerald laughs]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Having created nothing more than a sodding great gap in the hedge,
Kaleb and I went to see how the experts were getting along.
[upbeat music continues]
-[Jeremy] Holy shit, look at this. -[Kaleb] That is amazing.
[Jeremy] This is absolutely stunning. And this is Dorset?
Birds can nest in this, can't they?
[man] Yes. It's good for wildlife. And butterflies.
Well, I think that's incredible.
[Jeremy] Oh, hello. There's another beauty here, look.
-And that's Midlands? -[woman] Yes.
[Jeremy] Yeah, they made the Austin Allegro and the Morris Marina,
the Midlands.
But they do give us the best hedge. That's a beautiful hedge.
Yeah. Is Midlands Birmingham?
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Eventually, the five hours were up.
The fencemakers went off to have lunch in the marquee.
And Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden moved in to start judging.
It's not following the flow of the hedge.
But otherwise, they've done a very good job.
[Jeremy] I did not envy their task,
because the whole length of the field
was now a work of art.
[soft music]
Judging over, it was time for the prizegiving.
Third place in the North Somerset class
is Colin Clutterbuck.
[Jeremy] Well done, Colin.
Second place in the North Somerset, Alex Bown.
[Jeremy] With the runners-up sorted,
Kaleb and I then had to announce the overall winner.
And we were very slick.
Right, so, this is it. The supreme champion.
-Do we know who it is? -[man] Yes.
-I mean, we... -[laughter]
-[man] The supreme champion today... -[Jeremy and Kaleb arguing]
I know, but I need to know the name. 'Cause we...
[man] Paul Gulliford.
[cheers]
He's done it. Congratulations.
Now you're gonna have your local newspaper...
I've gotta come round by you, have I?
You hold that one end.
Thank you all ever so much for coming.
We hope you enjoyed your day
and we hope you enjoy watching yourselves on television.
Well, you will 'cause you won.
Everybody else is being edited out.
[laughter]
[lively music]
[Jeremy] On the Monday after the wonderful hedge-laying weekend,
I went to the farm shop,
because Alan had finished the new roof.
-[Jeremy] Morning, Alan. -[Alan] Morning, Jeremy. All right?
[Jeremy] Good work. You've done a bloody good job.
That's the fastest I've ever seen you move.
-No, it's not. -Yeah, it is.
Yeah, that's bloody quick.
[Jeremy] Alan had also been busy making the shop ready
for the arrival of the fire inspector.
Fire alarm's up there, just if you don't know there's a fire.
And a smoke alarm. "Ah!" Panic, panic.
-Is that the rules? -Yeah, yeah. Listen.
Fire extinguisher's there, in case you wanna put it out.
We had to put a light up there, look.
Emergency light in case it gets dark and we shut at four.
And I put signs on the door in case nobody knows which way to run.
[Jeremy laughs]
[Jeremy] The fire inspector then arrived.
-Jeremy. Nice to meet you. -[Alan] Fire officer.
[Jeremy] And though Alan had been very thorough,
this chap reckoned we could go further still.
I would maybe just suggest some emergency lighting on the outside
to cover any darkness.
I'm sorry, light out here?
Yeah, emergency lighting.
So if it's dark outside and people obviously have to evacuate.
You know it's not a Boeing 747 this? It's just a shop.
[fire officer] Yeah.
[Jeremy] Bottom line, though, the fire inspector was happy
and the roof was how the council wanted it to be.
All we needed now, then, was planning permission
to put down some gravel to make a car park.
[Lisa] Uh-oh. Charlie's got a notepad and pen.
[Jeremy] And a couple of days later,
Charlie dropped round with the planner's decision.
[Jeremy mutters while reading the letter]
"Would not be compatible or consistent in scale
"with the existing farming business..."
-They didn't give us an alternative. -"Visibly intrusive..."
They simply say at the top that the--
-"Notice." -Oh, "Hereby refuses the application."
[Lisa] They can't refuse the car park, Charlie.
Well, they've refused everything now.
They've refused the restaurant, the car park.
They've just refused everything.
The strange thing about this decision is that this is--
They've just done this without the committee.
[Charlie] They've done this without committee.
So they haven't asked councillors, they've just decided on their own.
Do you know all planning applications are meant to be treated
in a positive and creative manner?
You know, for farmers, the government policy
is supporting social and economic development, wherever it is,
as long as it's sensitive to the environment.
But we've still ended up with that!
-[Charlie] Yes. -I know.
And we're always going to end up with this.
A council have decided there will be
no more development of any sort at Diddly Squat.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] To get a car park, then, and, more importantly,
a restaurant where we could sell our meat,
we'd have to appeal to the government.
[Jeremy] And you're not really seeing it at its best
'cause you're looking into the sun. But it's a hell of a view, that.
[Jeremy] And to help us do that,
Charlie had finally managed to assemble a team
of legal Avengers.
If you have evidence on footfall,
on usage, on turnover and all that sort of thing
from last year's operation, that's going to be very, very important.
Where's the nearest footpath in that direction?
-There isn't anything. -[Jeremy] There is no footpath.
So the road, the visual receptor would be the road.
Yeah, something like that.
And the building, I take it, was built in accordance with the plans?
-There's no issue about that? -Yeah.
[Jeremy] Once the legal team had assessed the situation,
they laid out their plan,
which was impressive.
[man] So you appeal to the Secretary of State.
The Secretary of State appoints a planning inspector.
We'll be going for a public enquiry, so he convenes a public enquiry
in an appropriate room.
And he hears the evidence, he hears the advocates, he hears the submissions.
We're going to have a landscape bod.
We're going to have a transport bod.
We're going to have a planning bod.
We might have a farm business bod.
So, what's that, four witnesses so far?
-Lighting. -Oh, lighting.
There may be a technical lighting bod involved.
So that's four to five witnesses for us.
We can expect the authority to match those.
We've then got a row of third parties,
who, I mean, someone like Mr Dewar
might decide he'd like to be what's called a Rule 6 party,
which is where he takes a formal position.
He's the one who had the council's opinion, isn't he?
Yeah.
So you can well imagine that he might decide to instruct planners,
landscape bods and turn up as another party.
So we're then looking two to three weeks of enquiry.
[Jeremy] Everything he was saying was leading me to one question.
Broadly speaking, how much does it cost?
I did give a figure to Mark.
Which was?
It was on the basis of a one-week enquiry.
How much would a one-week enquiry be?
Probably around two hundred... to two fifty.
[Jeremy] So a three-week enquiry would be?
There'll be a larger brief for you and then you have more refreshers.
It's going to-- So on that--
And someone from us. So...
It's going to be £300,000.
If it's that long, yeah.
You talk about 300,000,
there are obviously the consultants' fees.
Because each one's gonna have to produce a proof of evidence,
-various documents go with it... -So that's more?
So more than 300,000?
300,000, that's the legal.
So QC, us, and then the witnesses.
The witnesses are all going to have to be...
[Charlie] It's gonna be half a million.
It is going to be half a million, isn't it?
-When all is said and done. -[man] Yeah.
[sighs]
OK, that's that, then.
You know, with that level of cost,
you know, there's no chance ever of making, you know, a profit.
No matter, you know, how good the business plan is.
Half a million pounds to fund an appeal for the Secretary of State
that we might not even win,
you know...
You know, that's the notion of the restaurant gone.
I just... Actually even I don't know what we should do now.
[dramatic music]
[Jeremy] We're gonna have to live in a murky, grey area
of loopholes and cunning reasons.
You can turn that into something straightaway.
Hold on...
[Charlie] We are allowed to do it.
[Kaleb] Why didn't anybody figure this earlier?
I don't know.
It's clever this.
[upbeat music]
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