1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,400 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:16,074 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 3 00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:29,640 That's not a happy face. 4 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,680 -[Jeremy] Well, it isn't a happy face. -What happened? 5 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,000 -They're not going to do it at all? -No. 6 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:35,680 Total refusal. 7 00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:40,560 And the lawyer told the council... All right, Alan. 8 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,560 That's made us redundant then, for the next six months. 9 00:00:42,720 --> 00:00:43,520 [Jeremy] You're redundant. 10 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:45,760 Fucking planners. 11 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,680 You must have come across them a lot. 12 00:00:47,880 --> 00:00:48,960 [Alan] Fucking ridiculous. 13 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,360 Fifty plus people, that would have employed. 14 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:52,320 [Alan] Unbelievable. 15 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,160 What about all the farmers that would have employed, you know, 16 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:56,480 pork and stuff like that, local people? 17 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:57,960 [Jeremy] I know. We told them that. 18 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,320 Crop to farm. It's not gonna happen now, is it? 19 00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,520 [Jeremy] And now we've got these cows 20 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,880 and absolutely no way of selling them profitably. 21 00:01:06,080 --> 00:01:07,720 [Kaleb] We're committed now, aren't we? 22 00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:08,720 -Investment. -[Jeremy] Yeah. 23 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:09,720 -'Cause there was gonna be a restaurant. -Yeah. 24 00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,480 I know people at home are going to be thinking 25 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,400 "Why did he spend all this money before he got planning permission?" 26 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,920 Well, if the restaurant opened in April, May, 27 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,280 whenever Alan got it built, 28 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:21,080 you had to be able to sell something. That's why we got the cows now. 29 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,680 'Cause I couldn't see a reason why they'd turn the planning permission down. 30 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,840 I didn't know that that man watches Sky At Night. 31 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:29,440 I couldn't see that that was a relevant fact. 32 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:31,800 -You can appeal. -Secretary of State. 33 00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,600 What's a Secretary of State? What does that mean? 34 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,360 Secretary of State is the actual government. 35 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:36,320 [Charlie] Yeah. 36 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,560 We can't not do anything. 37 00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,960 [soft music] 38 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,160 [Jeremy] The next day at the farm shop, 39 00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:46,400 Lisa and I were discussing the fallout. 40 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,120 So you know I worked out last night how much I spent on the cows so far? 41 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,080 [Lisa] No. 42 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,920 -Right. On the whole cow enterprise... -Yeah. 43 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,760 Bearing in mind we were going to get 44 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:57,720 £10,000 a cow in the restaurant. 45 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,520 This is the cost so far of the cow enterprise-- 46 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:02,680 £240,822.20! 47 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:03,640 Yeah. 48 00:02:03,840 --> 00:02:06,320 Nigh on a quarter of a million pounds. 49 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:08,480 -Now, if you sell ten grand a cow... -Yeah? 50 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:10,040 -Twenty-five cows... -Yeah. 51 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,840 Ten grand, and we've paid for the cow enterprise. 52 00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,440 [Jeremy] If you were to sell a cow to a supermarket, 53 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,520 you get twelve hundred quid, basically, for a cow. 54 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,360 So, now I've got to sell 250 cows. 55 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,240 And I haven't got 250 cows. 56 00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:27,040 I mean, it's gonna be thirty years... thirty years before we turn a profit. 57 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,400 [Jeremy] The other problem was that our request to make a parking area 58 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:35,880 had been tied in to the restaurant application. 59 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,800 So now, because it had all been refused, 60 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:44,240 we wouldn't be able to provide parking for visitors to the farm shop. 61 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:48,920 The council's saying that this is an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty, 62 00:02:49,080 --> 00:02:51,800 which it isn't, because... look. 63 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,000 And we say to them, "Can we have permission to put some hardstanding down 64 00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,800 "so that visitors can not chew the fields up?" 65 00:02:58,560 --> 00:02:59,880 "No, you can't." 66 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,600 And people can't go in that, so they go and park on the verge. 67 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,520 If you come and look at this... 68 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:13,040 So the locals complain that people are parking on the verge and chewing them up. 69 00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,000 Which is true, they are. 70 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,960 Right, so we say to the council, "Can we build a car park?" 71 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,120 "No, you can't." 72 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:21,880 [Jeremy] Back at the office, 73 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,400 I discovered that even people on their side of the fence 74 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,080 agreed with me. 75 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,520 I've had messages on social media from councillors 76 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:33,920 in other councils saying... 77 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,040 that decision was idiotic 78 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,040 and that I should take them to court. 79 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,200 And I've had one from Roger Daltrey saying, 80 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,440 "Welcome to the land of no. 81 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,400 "I'm sorry to hear your planning was turned down, Jeremy. 82 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:48,360 "How dare you diversify." 83 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,320 This is the lead singer of The Who. 84 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,800 I'll listen more to him than some... Herbert councillor. 85 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,800 "I am putting in planning permission for a microbrewery on my farm. 86 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,680 "Water from a spring, hops and grain from the local farms. 87 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,640 "The cost of just putting in the planning with all the environmental surveys, 88 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,760 "newts, bats, earwigs and such: £70,000. 89 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:09,640 "How can the average farmer afford that? 90 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,440 "Oh boy, can you have some fun with this when you go to appeal. 91 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:14,600 "Be lucky, mate. Roger." 92 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:16,640 [sighs] 93 00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:21,720 [Jeremy] I then had to break the news to our little cooperative. 94 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:25,360 -[Jeremy] They've turned us down. -[man] Yeah, we heard. 95 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:26,920 That's really disappointing for us. 96 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:31,080 We're desperate, on our knees, to get rid of more pigs. 97 00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:33,040 Our farm's overflowing with pigs at the moment. 98 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:37,200 Pig farmers are suffering... Well, I was about to say "more than anyone." 99 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:39,040 But Emma's got TB, so. 100 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,600 So how many... You've lost sixty cows now? 101 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,760 Yeah. Yeah, sixty in total. 102 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,320 [Jeremy] And you can't get rid of pigs. 103 00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:46,680 We can't get rid of them. 104 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:51,000 And the price is horrendous. And the feed costs are astronomical. 105 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,560 We're cereal farmers and we're buying in wheat 106 00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:55,720 at these astronomic prices to feed the pigs. 107 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,480 They're making no money. 108 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:58,920 Jesus! 109 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,360 [Jeremy] I then went back to the farm, 110 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,480 and got some bad news about the thumb-flavoured crisps 111 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:09,440 I'd been making from our potatoes. 112 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:14,560 "Environmental and regulatory services of West Oxfordshire District Council. 113 00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:16,360 "According to the results, the sample measures 114 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,240 "10,500 micrograms of acrylamide." 115 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,240 What? 116 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,120 My crisps are carcinogenic. 117 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,360 How many people knew 118 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:31,000 that a certain type of potato 119 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,600 when cooked in a certain type of oil 120 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:36,200 could perhaps cause cancer? 121 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:38,200 How would you know that? 122 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,720 [mutters] 123 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,720 Prepared from twenty... 124 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:47,960 [groans] 125 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,360 So if I want to make crisps, I have to use a different type of potato. 126 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,080 That means I've got-- How many tons of Melody potatoes 127 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,400 have I got in cold storage? 128 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,080 Which have started to sprout. 129 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:04,600 Oh God! 130 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:08,360 [Jeremy] The only good news 131 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:10,840 is that we couldn't actually sell the crisps anyway 132 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,640 because at this point, we didn't even have a farm shop. 133 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:16,960 [Jeremy] Right. So we'll clear all this out. 134 00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:17,920 [Lisa] Yeah. 135 00:06:18,720 --> 00:06:22,200 [Jeremy] The council had decided that its traditional green-tin roof 136 00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:26,280 was an eyesore and that it must be replaced with slate. 137 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,560 So the shop had had to close while the work was done. 138 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,080 The problem we've got is because we're having to put heavy slate on, 139 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:39,320 these simple beams and rafters, or whatever they're called, 140 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,360 aren't strong enough. 141 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,920 So we've gotta replace the whole structure of the roof. 142 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:44,000 It's almost like the council knew. 143 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,800 "Can we put composite slate on," which is light? "No. 144 00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:49,040 "Gotta be proper slate." 145 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,320 It's, um... 146 00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:55,640 [scoffs] 147 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,640 [Jeremy] While the roof work was going on, 148 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,840 Charlie was busy preparing a new separate planning application 149 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:11,400 for a parking area. 150 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,960 That car park is, you know, absolutely vital 151 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,480 to service the needs of the farm shop. 152 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:23,240 And if we've ticked the box with the roof, 153 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,000 I'm really hopeful they turn around and say, 154 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:27,120 "Yeah, great, have your car park." 155 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:32,640 [Jeremy] That left me free to get on with some actual farming. 156 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,640 The hens didn't need much attention 157 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,720 as they were still toughing it out in bird-flu quarantine. 158 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:42,560 [Margaret Thatcher's voice] To those waiting with baited breath 159 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,760 for their favourite media catchphrase "the U-turn", 160 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,360 I have only one thing to say. 161 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,920 You turn if you want to. 162 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,160 [laughter] 163 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:58,520 [Jeremy] But the new calves all needed to have their ears pierced. 164 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,040 And, as I didn't know how to do that, 165 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,200 I had to ask Kaleb for help. 166 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:06,320 [Kaleb] These are the taggers, yeah? 167 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,880 [Jeremy] So that goes through their ear? 168 00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:11,800 Yeah. We've gotta find 10002. 169 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:13,760 -[Jeremy] What, in there? -There it is. Look. 170 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,360 Open up, open up. Relax. 171 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,560 Give it a bit of a spray with iodine. 172 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,600 Just to disinfect it. And then go put it in his ear. 173 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,600 -I'm not doing that. -Why? 174 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:26,640 Could you just-- It's the first one. I've gotta see it being done. 175 00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,960 Hold that one, then. You do the tags, I'll do the ear. 176 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:30,400 [Kaleb grunts] 177 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:33,480 [Jeremy] They're all a bit surprised by this. 178 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,520 [Kaleb] Steady, steady, steady. 179 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:37,520 I'm gonna get killed in a minute. Let's do it quick. 180 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,120 You get 'em like that. Yeah? 181 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,640 [cow mooing] 182 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:46,120 [Jeremy] It's all right, cow. Relax. We should have brought some nuts-- 183 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:47,720 [Kaleb] Right, number two. We've got another one. 184 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:49,200 -[Jeremy] What? -Quickly. 185 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,160 [Jeremy] What? Another one of what? 186 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,040 [Kaleb] The other number two. We've gotta put two in their ears. 187 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:56,360 You didn't tell me that. There's thirty-seven, five... 188 00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:57,880 -[Kaleb] I need two... -Two! 189 00:08:58,520 --> 00:08:59,360 [Kaleb] Got 'em? 190 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,440 [Jeremy] Please tell me I've done this right. 191 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:06,520 [Jeremy] You've got new earrings! Yes! Look at your earrings! 192 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,400 It's like going to Accessorize, this is. 193 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:10,720 [Kaleb] Next one, quick. 194 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:12,480 [Kaleb groans] 195 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,640 -No. -[Jeremy] Is that your testes? 196 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,200 Yeah. 197 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,360 I reckon you could definitely tackle this calf. 198 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,640 [Kaleb] Right, come on, then, quickly. Quickly, quickly. 199 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:25,640 [Jeremy] What? 200 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:27,120 -[Kaleb] You see them two marks? -No! 201 00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:28,080 [Kaleb] There, look. 202 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,360 [Jeremy] I haven't got my glasses on. There? 203 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,840 [Kaleb] No, no, no. Now. Squeeze hard. 204 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,320 -[Kaleb] Hard! Hard! -[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up... 205 00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:38,840 -[Jeremy] She squeezed her ear up... -Hard, hard. That's it. Perfect. 206 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:40,880 [Jeremy] I did a thing! 207 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:43,880 [soft music] 208 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:48,880 [Jeremy] Once the tagging was complete, 209 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,760 the numbers all had to be registered with the government's cow police. 210 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,040 So, Kaleb stayed in the shed 211 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,320 and rang them through to Charlie and me. 212 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:00,640 -[Kaleb] Right. Are you ready? -[Charlie] Yeah. 213 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,600 [Kaleb] So, 300225... 214 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:06,000 [Charlie] Yeah. 215 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,080 [Kaleb] Is the mother of 216 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,640 50002. 217 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,760 Whoa, whoa... 400002? 218 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,000 -[Kaleb] No, 5. -5. 5? 219 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,760 How can that be? 220 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:23,360 [Kaleb] Trust me. Hear me out, hear me out. Chill out. Chill out. 221 00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:24,960 Right. 222 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:26,200 And now, I don't know. 223 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,840 [Jeremy laughs] 224 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:33,840 [Kaleb] The 400177... 225 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,160 Yeah? 226 00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:43,880 225's heifer calf is which one? 227 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:45,040 [Kaleb] Number 1. 228 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:46,880 [Charlie] No, that was 164's, Kaleb... 229 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:47,840 [Kaleb] Number 3. 230 00:10:48,840 --> 00:10:51,000 No, number 2. 231 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,440 Oh my God, this is hard. 232 00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:57,040 The chances of these being registered accurately: nought. 233 00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,080 I'm still not happy about 300225. 234 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:02,600 That's the mother. 235 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,920 [Kaleb] Yeah? I just told you, that's number 2. 236 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,600 -[Charlie] No, you didn't. -[Kaleb] 3, sorry. 237 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:09,400 [Charlie] Yeah... Which one? Which one? 238 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,640 [Kaleb] Poppy's mum. I just read her out, yeah? 239 00:11:11,800 --> 00:11:13,600 I don't know who Poppy is. 240 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,640 -The first one. Number 1. -[Kaleb] Right. 241 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:19,480 400177 242 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:21,600 is the mother of 243 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:26,760 40001. 244 00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,280 Last time you said 500164 245 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,400 had calf 400001. 246 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,560 [Kaleb] 2. 247 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:36,840 That's number 2. 248 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,440 [Jeremy and Charlie laughing] 249 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:40,800 No, seriously... 250 00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:43,920 [Kaleb] I'm going from the beginning. 251 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,640 Oh no! 252 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:46,920 No! God! 253 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,280 Has anybody got a gun? 254 00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:50,920 [Jeremy] After all that, 255 00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,480 we assumed that registering the numbers with the cow police 256 00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:56,720 would be a breeze. 257 00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,000 [automated voice] Thank you for calling the British Cattle Movement Service. 258 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:02,760 Many of our people are still working from home, 259 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,280 so you may hear additional background noise. 260 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,440 We've gone back to work. 261 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:09,640 [automated voice] For information on how we handle personal data, 262 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:14,600 go to www.gov.uk and search Rural Payments Agency... 263 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:15,600 This is what we have to put up with. 264 00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,120 [automated voice] ...Personal Information Charter. 265 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:22,040 To report animal births, movements and deaths to us, 266 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,480 press one. 267 00:12:23,680 --> 00:12:25,680 Please tell me your county parish holding number. 268 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,200 That's the CPH. 269 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,760 Three, three, slash, one, zero, two, 270 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,320 slash, zero, one, six, zero. 271 00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,680 [automated voice] Thank you. Was that: three, zero, one... 272 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,480 No! No. 273 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,440 [automated voice] ...zero, two, zero, one? 274 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,080 Okay. Sorry about that. Let's try again. 275 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,920 Please tell me your county parish holding number. 276 00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:50,680 Three, three, 277 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,240 one, zero, two, 278 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,520 zero, one, six, zero. 279 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:58,440 [automated voice] Thank you. 280 00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:02,520 Was that: three, three, one, zero, two, 281 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,360 zero, one, six, zero? 282 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,720 Yes. 283 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:11,200 [automated voice] Right. Please wait while I check those details. 284 00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:14,080 Sorry, there isn't a match between the CPH number 285 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:15,600 and the phone number you're calling from. 286 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:16,560 No ? 287 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,080 [automated voice] I cannot put you through to the BCMS helpline. 288 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,040 For further help and information, 289 00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,320 please hang up and call the following number 290 00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:26,400 during normal office hours. 291 00:13:26,560 --> 00:13:27,520 The number is: 292 00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:32,680 0345-050-1234. 293 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:35,960 Charlie, that was all recorded, OK? 294 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,080 I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. 295 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,680 They can piss off. 296 00:13:40,840 --> 00:13:43,320 I hate the government so much. 297 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:48,800 [soft music] 298 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,200 [Jeremy] Mercifully, I was scheduled to spend the next day 299 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,240 with a normal, nice, proper person 300 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,040 who wasn't from the government. 301 00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,880 All right, looking for a man called Robin, 302 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,160 who is a hedge person. 303 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:07,480 [Jeremy] Robin is a scout for the British Hedgelaying Society. 304 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,480 And he'd come to see me because Diddly Squat 305 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:14,600 had been invited to host a prestigious competition. 306 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,040 There he is. 307 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,080 Examining the hedge. 308 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,520 Excellent. 309 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,440 -[Jeremy] Robin. Are you well? -Always good. 310 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:25,640 [Jeremy] Have you found a suitable hedge? 311 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:26,600 [Robin] Yes. 312 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,560 So we're going to lay this hedge, with your permission, 313 00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,000 from here right way round to there. 314 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:37,160 And we'll have thirty-two competitors doing five different styles. 315 00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,200 [Jeremy] You're basically making a fence out of a hedge? 316 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,480 [Robin] Yes. Well, see, it's a craft. 317 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:44,760 [Jeremy] In my mind, I was being rather cunning, 318 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,000 because I assumed I was getting a free fence. 319 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,440 However... 320 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,120 [Robin] The competition, we start it at nine. 321 00:14:53,280 --> 00:14:56,720 Five hours. You'll be very kind to provide them with something to eat. 322 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,800 -Oh, so I'm doing lunch? -Yes, yes. 323 00:14:59,000 --> 00:14:59,880 How many people? 324 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:00,920 Thirty-two. 325 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:03,080 -Plus... -And wives and partners. 326 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,720 So it could be sixty? Seventy? 327 00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,880 -Yes, yes. -So, big lunch. 328 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,200 And does that tend to be in the house or do we put up a marquee? 329 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,960 -If you're gonna put up a marquee... -A marquee. 330 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,000 And at the end of this, 331 00:15:16,160 --> 00:15:19,480 you will put in the prize money, etcetera. 332 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,000 -So I do the prize money? -Yes, you do. 333 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,480 What sort of level of prize money would it normally be? 334 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,000 Per class, it's about £240. 335 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,520 £240 per class and there's five classes? 336 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:30,640 Five classes, yes. 337 00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,440 [Jeremy] This news caused me to break out my emergency first-aid kit. 338 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:37,760 [Robin] Oh my God! 339 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,960 I'd been sitting looking at the sloe gin... 340 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,160 I mean the sloe berries. 341 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:43,640 These are ones we made earlier. 342 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,760 Oh my God. This is good. 343 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:47,600 -Cheers! -[Robin] Cheers to you. 344 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,080 That's good. 345 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,120 -The sloe's out of there. -Yeah. 346 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,640 Mixed with a little bit of gin. 347 00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:00,360 There's a drink here... I don't know if you've come across it, King's Ginger. 348 00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,480 Which I'm always amused by. 349 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,080 It says here: "This ginger beverage 350 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,600 "was specifically formulated by Berry Brothers in 1903 351 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,440 "for King Edward VII." 352 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,760 "It was created to stimulate His Majesty 353 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:17,680 "during morning rides in his new horseless carriage." 354 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:21,280 It was actually invented for drinking and driving! 355 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:24,800 -"This'll keep you warm, sir." -Horseless carriage! 356 00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,360 [Jeremy] In his new horseless carriage in 1903. 357 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,640 Yeah, yeah. 358 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,200 So, my mine's evaporated. 359 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,080 [laughs] 360 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:37,640 [Jeremy] After Robin's hedge fund had emptied my wallet 361 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,400 and my drinks cabinet, 362 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,920 I went off to see the entrepreneurial foetus, 363 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,280 who'd just invested in some new kit 364 00:16:45,480 --> 00:16:48,520 for his ever-growing farm contracting business. 365 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:50,960 [Kaleb] What do you think? 366 00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,720 Have you got a new tractor? 367 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:55,160 A bit small. 368 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:56,920 [Kaleb] What do you mean, "small"? 369 00:16:57,080 --> 00:16:59,240 210 horsepower. 370 00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,200 -[Jeremy] Well, with boost. -Yeah. Yeah. 371 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:02,160 [Jeremy] 185. 372 00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,080 What do you think of the wheels, though? I customised it. 373 00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:06,880 -[Jeremy] Black wheels? -Black wheels. 374 00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,360 [Kaleb] I put a go-fast stripe on it as well. 375 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:11,280 Where is it? Is it on the roof? 376 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:13,680 No, on the bonnet. So it starts here, look. 377 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,080 [Jeremy laughs] 378 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,680 So that's your go-faster stripe? 379 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,640 -[Kaleb] And it's on the top as well. -Yeah, because... 380 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,920 So the only evidence that you've got a go-faster stripe is that. 381 00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,080 Yeah. 382 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:26,640 185 horsepower. How much was it? 383 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,640 A hundred and four. 384 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:33,200 Two and a half times more expensive than my tractor 385 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,760 and with a hundred horsepower less. 386 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,520 Lifting capacity of this? 387 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:38,960 Eight point seven-five? 388 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,000 -Ten and a half. -Yeah? 389 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,560 I've got GPS. 390 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,440 Right. And how long do you think you're gonna have GPS before it's stolen? 391 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,760 Oh, a couple of months. 392 00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,560 What's the longest a farmer's ever owned GPS 393 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,400 before they get up in the morning and someone's nicked it? 394 00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,560 Probably six months is the longest time. 395 00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,760 [Jeremy] His piddly tractor's first job 396 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:02,680 would be to help me plant the spring barley. 397 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,960 [Kaleb] You're missing a few, um... 398 00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:06,160 pins, look. 399 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,520 [Jeremy] Which meant attaching the drill 400 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,080 to my vastly superior Lambo. 401 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,560 -[Kaleb] Oh my God! -[Jeremy] What? 402 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,760 [Kaleb] It's a little shrew or something. 403 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,440 -[Jeremy] Oh, there he is! Oh wow! -[Kaleb] Get the gun. 404 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,520 [Jeremy] Don't be so unkind. 405 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,720 -[Jeremy] You're not frightened of mice? -I don't like rats and mice. 406 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:27,680 -It's not a rat, it's a mouse. -[Kaleb] Can you finish him off, please? 407 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:28,760 I'm not gonna finish him off! 408 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,640 And I'm not going out there with him in there. 409 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,080 [Jeremy] Do you think that goes all the way down? 410 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:34,200 [Kaleb] Yeah, yeah. 411 00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,440 [Jeremy] Come on, little mouse. 412 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,400 [Kaleb] Just dangle it down there. He'll be all right. 413 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:42,080 [Jeremy] This is kind to the environment and kind to animals. 414 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,480 Sir Attenborough would like me for doing this. 415 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,160 [Jeremy] There he goes! Mr Mouse! 416 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,200 [Kaleb] He's underneath your wheel. He's actually underneath your wheel. 417 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,000 As soon as you move, you're gonna kill him. 418 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:58,200 He's in the tyre tracks of the tractor down there. 419 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,240 Come on! Out. [kicks wheel] 420 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,920 [Kaleb] we can't afford to lose any more time 'cause of the mouse. 421 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:06,480 Oh bloody hell. I mean, there's a lot of decisions in farming 422 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:07,760 but this is a really nasty one. 423 00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:08,720 [Kaleb] Just go. 424 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,960 [Kaleb] We've gotta go drilling. 425 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,560 [Jeremy] If I roll back a millimetre, 426 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,960 Mr Mouse is toast. 427 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:23,320 [engine] 428 00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:40,800 Now, that is how you do a hill start. 429 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,240 [Jeremy] But then, when I lifted the drill... 430 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,200 Oh shit. I've rolled back! 431 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:52,640 [Kaleb] You just killed that poor mouse. I'll bury him. 432 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:53,920 Back up. 433 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:55,320 [Jeremy] No, forwards. 434 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,400 Is he stuck to the tyre? 435 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:00,320 [Kaleb] He lived! 436 00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:04,080 [delighted laughter] 437 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,960 [Kaleb] Meow! [laughter] 438 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,480 The mouse lives because I can drive. 439 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:11,760 [upbeat music] 440 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:17,000 [Jeremy] Crisis over, we got down to planting. 441 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,280 Look at this, we are working as a team now. 442 00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:24,080 You're fertilising and I'm drilling in the same field at the same time. 443 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:27,800 [Jeremy] And instead of expensive chemical fertiliser... 444 00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,800 We were using my very own chicken muck, 445 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,880 which made Kaleb very happy. 446 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,320 My brand-new tractor's covered in chicken shit. It stinks. 447 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,960 [Jeremy] The spring barley from here, if the quality's good enough, 448 00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:51,040 will go to the brewery and will be made into Hawkstone beer. 449 00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:53,880 That's why we have to do it really, really, really 450 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:55,800 to the best of our abilities. 451 00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,520 [Jeremy] However, at the moment there was neither a farm shop 452 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:04,400 nor a restaurant in which to sell that beer. 453 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:08,160 But, over at the Royal Academy, 454 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:12,240 Charlie was working on a plan to sort that out. 455 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,560 To take the restaurant appeal to the next level 456 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:18,440 is to take it to the Secretary of State. 457 00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:22,240 We've got one shot at this. This is our last chance. 458 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:27,400 So we need the best specialist advisors to help with this, 459 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,040 and, you know, barristers and lawyers. 460 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,320 And I'm looking at, you know, who they are now. 461 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:35,080 [lively music] 462 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:36,560 [Jeremy] By some miracle, 463 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:41,160 Charlie had also managed to register the calves with the cow police. 464 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:45,720 And today was yet another milestone in their adolescence, 465 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:49,320 because two of them were due to be dehorned. 466 00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:51,680 [Dilwyn] So I'm just gonna jab 'em. 467 00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,400 [Jeremy] And this is what? To calm them down? 468 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,920 Just to make 'em... They'll hopefully fall asleep. 469 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:57,920 -[Kaleb] Bring that gate round this way. -[Jeremy] What, now? 470 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,040 -[Kaleb] Yeah. -[Jeremy] That's the ticket. 471 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:01,280 -[Kaleb] This one first? -[Dilwyn] Yeah. 472 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,560 -[Kaleb] Where does it go? -[Dilwyn] In the neck. 473 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:11,160 -[Dilwyn] Is this the other one? -[Kaleb] Yeah. 474 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:15,040 [Dilwyn] Jolly good. 475 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,200 We'll just leave 'em now for 10-15 minutes and they'll just fall asleep. 476 00:22:19,720 --> 00:22:21,840 [Jeremy] Why do you get rid of their horns? 477 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,400 [Dilwyn] Because the ones with horns become dominant and bully the rest. 478 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,720 -[Kaleb] And safety for us as well. -[Dilwyn] Yeah. 479 00:22:28,600 --> 00:22:29,680 [Kaleb] Oh, there you go, look. He's down. 480 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,160 Look at his face. 481 00:22:31,320 --> 00:22:33,120 [Jeremy] Yeah, really sleepy. 482 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:35,880 The mother looking all concerned, look. 483 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,680 All right, mum, she's fine. 484 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:40,640 [Jeremy] There we go. 485 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,160 -[Jeremy] What's this? A local? -[Dilwyn] Yes. 486 00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:46,400 [Dilwyn] Normally, when they're conscious you're grappling with them now. 487 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:50,720 But because we knocked 'em out, it's a lot less stressful for the calf. 488 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,480 [Jeremy] Dilwyn's medical equipment then became slightly less high-tech. 489 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,800 [Jeremy] Oh my giddy aunt. You've set fire to her head. 490 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,960 Holy cow! 491 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:11,000 [Kaleb] So you keep going round in a circle. 492 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:13,040 [Jeremy] But there's actually flames. 493 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:17,400 [Jeremy] Aw. That must hurt. 494 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:19,320 Aw! 495 00:23:22,880 --> 00:23:24,560 [Jeremy] And this kills the horn? 496 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,400 [Dilwyn] Yeah, it burns the germinal layer, 497 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,440 which is the bit of the horn that grows. 498 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:30,800 So you get rid of the horn 499 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,560 and also you get rid of the tissue where the horn grows from. 500 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,240 Is this iodine you're putting on there, Kaleb? 501 00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,840 [Dilwyn] It's an antibiotic spray, actually, 502 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,520 to stop it becoming infected. 503 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,920 And I'm gonna give her an injection of a pain killer 504 00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,440 'cause one of the things that sometimes happens 505 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:52,560 is, as the anaesthetic wears off, the head becomes tickly. 506 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,280 [Jeremy] I don't think anybody who's ever had their head set on fire 507 00:23:55,440 --> 00:23:56,960 says, "It's a bit tickly." 508 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,280 [Dilwyn] So there, that's one done. 509 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:01,880 [Jeremy] Poor little fella. 510 00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:05,120 [Jeremy] Thankfully, the coming weekend's activities 511 00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:08,160 promised to be much less stressful. 512 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,360 [epic music] 513 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:24,360 [Jeremy] Thirty-two of the country's finest competitors, 514 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:28,520 each allotted a nine-metre section of unkempt hedge, 515 00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:31,320 would be making a living fence 516 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:34,160 using five different styles. 517 00:24:34,360 --> 00:24:35,320 Dorset, 518 00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:36,800 North Somerset, 519 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:37,920 Midland, 520 00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:39,760 Lancs & Westmorland 521 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,600 and Welsh. 522 00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,800 [man] Welcome to Diddly Squat. 523 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:46,000 Judging will take place through the day. 524 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:48,800 The scores will be added up on the computer this time, 525 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:50,200 so there'll be no mistake. 526 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:51,360 [laughter] 527 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,640 If you're all ready, go! 528 00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:58,080 [upbeat music] 529 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:05,120 [Jeremy] These premier-league fencemakers had five hours 530 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,560 to complete their hedges. 531 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:15,680 And it wasn't just a beauty contest. 532 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:21,000 This is the traditional way of creating a fence, 533 00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:23,160 an impenetrable fence, from a hedge. 534 00:25:23,320 --> 00:25:25,760 They've been doing it this way for... 535 00:25:25,920 --> 00:25:27,000 hundreds of years. 536 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,520 The idea is, you cut the trunk, but not completely, 537 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,240 and then bend it over. 538 00:25:33,440 --> 00:25:34,560 Here we go, look. 539 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,200 And he pulls them down. Look at that. 540 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:39,920 You just go, "Well, you've ruined that," but he hasn't. 541 00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,640 They're still attached to the roots. 542 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:44,520 But it'll now be going that way. 543 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,640 And then you have to find another one to sort of intertwine it with. 544 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,440 And then you've got a living... 545 00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:53,920 Literally a living fence 546 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,560 through which sheep can't pass. 547 00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,040 When they get the trunk down to that, you say, 548 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,680 "Well, don't bend that, it's just going to snap." 549 00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:03,400 -[Jeremy] But it doesn't. -[man] No. 550 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,680 [man] Eighty percent is what you want to be looking for. 551 00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:09,040 -Eighty? -Eighty percent cut. 552 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,360 -[Jeremy] You need twenty percent left? -[man] Yeah. 553 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:12,480 [Jeremy] And twenty percent is enough 554 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,400 -to keep the plant alive? -Yes. 555 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,000 [chainsaw] 556 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,320 [Jeremy] As the hedge-bound managers toiled away, 557 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:29,440 they were joined by a rival from "Wall Street", and his wife. 558 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:32,160 -[Jeremy] Hi, Gerald. -Good morning. 559 00:26:32,320 --> 00:26:34,280 -[Jeremy] How are you, Mrs Gerald? -Fine, thank you. 560 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:35,760 -[Jeremy] This is good, innit? -Yeah, it is. 561 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,640 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 562 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:41,080 Yeah. 563 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:45,520 [Gerald speaking indistinctly] 564 00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:47,920 This, I don't know, I think I'll just... 565 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:51,880 [continues speaking indistinctly] 566 00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:54,480 That's what I didn't like about the job. 567 00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,200 [Gerald's wife laughing] 568 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:57,520 Well, I'm gonna have a try at this. 569 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,280 [Jeremy] In fact, Kaleb and I both decided to have a try. 570 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:03,880 Have you noticed again 571 00:27:04,040 --> 00:27:07,480 how we are hitting every single diversity target 572 00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,200 that you have to hit on TV these days? 573 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:13,040 Black, homosexual, transitioning. 574 00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,640 -That's what I used. -Which do you want? That one? 575 00:27:17,800 --> 00:27:19,560 I mean, I've gotta have the feel for it. 576 00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,440 Why won't it cut... It won't cut through this. 577 00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:28,360 Yeah, that's exactly what I was about to do. Just show me again. 578 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:30,720 [Kaleb] Don't do it all for him. 579 00:27:30,880 --> 00:27:33,640 [Jeremy] And again. Yeah! 580 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,760 [Jeremy] Having trimmed the branches, on my own, 581 00:27:36,920 --> 00:27:38,840 I switched to the axe... 582 00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:39,880 which went well. 583 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,080 [Jeremy] Oh, God! 584 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:44,840 [Kaleb] It's thinner. Shall I start at the top 585 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,560 and then come down nicely like that? 586 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:47,680 [man] Yeah. That's nice. 587 00:27:47,840 --> 00:27:49,640 -[Kaleb] A bit more? -[man] Yeah. 588 00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:51,520 [man] Excellent. Excellent. 589 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:53,600 [Jeremy groans] 590 00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,440 [Jeremy] I've got it. 591 00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:58,640 Jeremy? Are you doing Midland style? 592 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,520 I'm doing a Brazilian, unless I get it wrong, 593 00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,720 in which case it's a Hollywood. 594 00:28:06,240 --> 00:28:07,560 You don't know what I'm talking about, do you? 595 00:28:07,760 --> 00:28:10,040 Do you not know what a Brazilian is? 596 00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,200 I've never ever seen a Brazilian person. 597 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:16,760 [Jeremy] Mercifully, we were interrupted at this point by Gerald, 598 00:28:16,920 --> 00:28:19,600 who wanted to inspect my handiwork. 599 00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:20,560 [Jeremy] That looks great, doesn't it? 600 00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:22,560 [Gerald] Dear oh dear. 601 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:24,800 [Jeremy] But that, that... those... 602 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:28,440 [Gerald] What a load of shit. I mean... [speaks indistinctly] 603 00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:33,600 Every time you pull out you've gotta try and get the baby between the stumps. 604 00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,000 You're never gonna... [speaking indistinctly] 605 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,040 'Cause you're looking at cars and buses and stuff all the time. 606 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:43,040 You can't mow-- You know, it's like mowing grass. 607 00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,120 You go whoof, like that, one hit, and it's all done, innit? 608 00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:46,440 [man] Yeah. 609 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:47,960 [Gerald laughs] 610 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:49,800 [upbeat music] 611 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,600 [Jeremy] Having created nothing more than a sodding great gap in the hedge, 612 00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:58,520 Kaleb and I went to see how the experts were getting along. 613 00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:01,600 [upbeat music continues] 614 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,960 -[Jeremy] Holy shit, look at this. -[Kaleb] That is amazing. 615 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:13,480 [Jeremy] This is absolutely stunning. And this is Dorset? 616 00:29:13,680 --> 00:29:15,240 Birds can nest in this, can't they? 617 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,600 [man] Yes. It's good for wildlife. And butterflies. 618 00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:21,000 Well, I think that's incredible. 619 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,280 [Jeremy] Oh, hello. There's another beauty here, look. 620 00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:27,080 -And that's Midlands? -[woman] Yes. 621 00:29:27,280 --> 00:29:29,160 [Jeremy] Yeah, they made the Austin Allegro and the Morris Marina, 622 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:30,120 the Midlands. 623 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:34,880 But they do give us the best hedge. That's a beautiful hedge. 624 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,160 Yeah. Is Midlands Birmingham? 625 00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:40,000 [upbeat music] 626 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,840 [Jeremy] Eventually, the five hours were up. 627 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:46,360 The fencemakers went off to have lunch in the marquee. 628 00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:50,960 And Simon Cowell and Amanda Holden moved in to start judging. 629 00:29:51,160 --> 00:29:53,120 It's not following the flow of the hedge. 630 00:29:53,320 --> 00:29:55,000 But otherwise, they've done a very good job. 631 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:57,480 [Jeremy] I did not envy their task, 632 00:29:58,000 --> 00:30:00,480 because the whole length of the field 633 00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:02,880 was now a work of art. 634 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:06,520 [soft music] 635 00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:27,680 Judging over, it was time for the prizegiving. 636 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,640 Third place in the North Somerset class 637 00:30:31,800 --> 00:30:33,880 is Colin Clutterbuck. 638 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,200 [Jeremy] Well done, Colin. 639 00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,920 Second place in the North Somerset, Alex Bown. 640 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:43,640 [Jeremy] With the runners-up sorted, 641 00:30:43,800 --> 00:30:46,680 Kaleb and I then had to announce the overall winner. 642 00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,360 And we were very slick. 643 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:52,800 Right, so, this is it. The supreme champion. 644 00:30:53,600 --> 00:30:54,960 -Do we know who it is? -[man] Yes. 645 00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:56,480 -I mean, we... -[laughter] 646 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,480 -[man] The supreme champion today... -[Jeremy and Kaleb arguing] 647 00:30:59,640 --> 00:31:01,720 I know, but I need to know the name. 'Cause we... 648 00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:02,960 [man] Paul Gulliford. 649 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:04,320 [cheers] 650 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:07,720 He's done it. Congratulations. 651 00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,560 Now you're gonna have your local newspaper... 652 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:10,880 I've gotta come round by you, have I? 653 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:12,400 You hold that one end. 654 00:31:15,400 --> 00:31:16,680 Thank you all ever so much for coming. 655 00:31:16,840 --> 00:31:18,600 We hope you enjoyed your day 656 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,680 and we hope you enjoy watching yourselves on television. 657 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:23,040 Well, you will 'cause you won. 658 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:24,800 Everybody else is being edited out. 659 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:26,840 [laughter] 660 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,840 [lively music] 661 00:31:33,760 --> 00:31:37,440 [Jeremy] On the Monday after the wonderful hedge-laying weekend, 662 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:38,920 I went to the farm shop, 663 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:42,560 because Alan had finished the new roof. 664 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,800 -[Jeremy] Morning, Alan. -[Alan] Morning, Jeremy. All right? 665 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:53,240 [Jeremy] Good work. You've done a bloody good job. 666 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,160 That's the fastest I've ever seen you move. 667 00:31:55,320 --> 00:31:56,720 -No, it's not. -Yeah, it is. 668 00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,440 Yeah, that's bloody quick. 669 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:01,680 [Jeremy] Alan had also been busy making the shop ready 670 00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:04,800 for the arrival of the fire inspector. 671 00:32:06,080 --> 00:32:08,600 Fire alarm's up there, just if you don't know there's a fire. 672 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,920 And a smoke alarm. "Ah!" Panic, panic. 673 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:13,200 -Is that the rules? -Yeah, yeah. Listen. 674 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,480 Fire extinguisher's there, in case you wanna put it out. 675 00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:16,880 We had to put a light up there, look. 676 00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:19,800 Emergency light in case it gets dark and we shut at four. 677 00:32:21,120 --> 00:32:24,040 And I put signs on the door in case nobody knows which way to run. 678 00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:25,320 [Jeremy laughs] 679 00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:27,520 [Jeremy] The fire inspector then arrived. 680 00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,120 -Jeremy. Nice to meet you. -[Alan] Fire officer. 681 00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:31,560 [Jeremy] And though Alan had been very thorough, 682 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:35,000 this chap reckoned we could go further still. 683 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:39,040 I would maybe just suggest some emergency lighting on the outside 684 00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,280 to cover any darkness. 685 00:32:41,480 --> 00:32:43,320 I'm sorry, light out here? 686 00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:44,520 Yeah, emergency lighting. 687 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:48,800 So if it's dark outside and people obviously have to evacuate. 688 00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:51,920 You know it's not a Boeing 747 this? It's just a shop. 689 00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:53,320 [fire officer] Yeah. 690 00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,040 [Jeremy] Bottom line, though, the fire inspector was happy 691 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,960 and the roof was how the council wanted it to be. 692 00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:04,520 All we needed now, then, was planning permission 693 00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:08,280 to put down some gravel to make a car park. 694 00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:12,480 [Lisa] Uh-oh. Charlie's got a notepad and pen. 695 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:13,960 [Jeremy] And a couple of days later, 696 00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:17,280 Charlie dropped round with the planner's decision. 697 00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:20,080 [Jeremy mutters while reading the letter] 698 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:22,320 "Would not be compatible or consistent in scale 699 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:24,720 "with the existing farming business..." 700 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,280 -They didn't give us an alternative. -"Visibly intrusive..." 701 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,760 They simply say at the top that the-- 702 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:32,200 -"Notice." -Oh, "Hereby refuses the application." 703 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:34,400 [Lisa] They can't refuse the car park, Charlie. 704 00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:35,760 Well, they've refused everything now. 705 00:33:35,920 --> 00:33:38,560 They've refused the restaurant, the car park. 706 00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:40,160 They've just refused everything. 707 00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,800 The strange thing about this decision is that this is-- 708 00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,240 They've just done this without the committee. 709 00:33:45,400 --> 00:33:46,880 [Charlie] They've done this without committee. 710 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,760 So they haven't asked councillors, they've just decided on their own. 711 00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,280 Do you know all planning applications are meant to be treated 712 00:33:52,440 --> 00:33:54,760 in a positive and creative manner? 713 00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,600 You know, for farmers, the government policy 714 00:33:56,800 --> 00:34:01,720 is supporting social and economic development, wherever it is, 715 00:34:01,880 --> 00:34:03,680 as long as it's sensitive to the environment. 716 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:05,160 But we've still ended up with that! 717 00:34:05,320 --> 00:34:06,400 -[Charlie] Yes. -I know. 718 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,160 And we're always going to end up with this. 719 00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:11,040 A council have decided there will be 720 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:15,680 no more development of any sort at Diddly Squat. 721 00:34:17,440 --> 00:34:19,000 [soft music] 722 00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:21,920 [Jeremy] To get a car park, then, and, more importantly, 723 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:24,400 a restaurant where we could sell our meat, 724 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:27,640 we'd have to appeal to the government. 725 00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:30,160 [Jeremy] And you're not really seeing it at its best 726 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,400 'cause you're looking into the sun. But it's a hell of a view, that. 727 00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,160 [Jeremy] And to help us do that, 728 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,360 Charlie had finally managed to assemble a team 729 00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:40,680 of legal Avengers. 730 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:42,920 If you have evidence on footfall, 731 00:34:43,080 --> 00:34:45,080 on usage, on turnover and all that sort of thing 732 00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:48,200 from last year's operation, that's going to be very, very important. 733 00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,840 Where's the nearest footpath in that direction? 734 00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:52,880 -There isn't anything. -[Jeremy] There is no footpath. 735 00:34:53,040 --> 00:34:55,840 So the road, the visual receptor would be the road. 736 00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:56,800 Yeah, something like that. 737 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,360 And the building, I take it, was built in accordance with the plans? 738 00:34:59,520 --> 00:35:00,400 -There's no issue about that? -Yeah. 739 00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:04,520 [Jeremy] Once the legal team had assessed the situation, 740 00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:06,800 they laid out their plan, 741 00:35:06,960 --> 00:35:08,840 which was impressive. 742 00:35:09,040 --> 00:35:10,680 [man] So you appeal to the Secretary of State. 743 00:35:10,880 --> 00:35:12,840 The Secretary of State appoints a planning inspector. 744 00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:16,760 We'll be going for a public enquiry, so he convenes a public enquiry 745 00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:18,360 in an appropriate room. 746 00:35:18,520 --> 00:35:21,480 And he hears the evidence, he hears the advocates, he hears the submissions. 747 00:35:21,640 --> 00:35:23,480 We're going to have a landscape bod. 748 00:35:23,640 --> 00:35:26,200 We're going to have a transport bod. 749 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:28,360 We're going to have a planning bod. 750 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:30,760 We might have a farm business bod. 751 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:33,600 So, what's that, four witnesses so far? 752 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:36,040 -Lighting. -Oh, lighting. 753 00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:39,360 There may be a technical lighting bod involved. 754 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,960 So that's four to five witnesses for us. 755 00:35:42,120 --> 00:35:44,840 We can expect the authority to match those. 756 00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:46,800 We've then got a row of third parties, 757 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:48,840 who, I mean, someone like Mr Dewar 758 00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,640 might decide he'd like to be what's called a Rule 6 party, 759 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,440 which is where he takes a formal position. 760 00:35:53,640 --> 00:35:55,840 He's the one who had the council's opinion, isn't he? 761 00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:56,800 Yeah. 762 00:35:56,960 --> 00:36:00,160 So you can well imagine that he might decide to instruct planners, 763 00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,320 landscape bods and turn up as another party. 764 00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:07,440 So we're then looking two to three weeks of enquiry. 765 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:12,080 [Jeremy] Everything he was saying was leading me to one question. 766 00:36:12,280 --> 00:36:15,440 Broadly speaking, how much does it cost? 767 00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:17,480 I did give a figure to Mark. 768 00:36:17,640 --> 00:36:19,120 Which was? 769 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:21,840 It was on the basis of a one-week enquiry. 770 00:36:22,040 --> 00:36:24,200 How much would a one-week enquiry be? 771 00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:29,080 Probably around two hundred... to two fifty. 772 00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:31,680 [Jeremy] So a three-week enquiry would be? 773 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,640 There'll be a larger brief for you and then you have more refreshers. 774 00:36:34,840 --> 00:36:36,160 It's going to-- So on that-- 775 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:37,280 And someone from us. So... 776 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,200 It's going to be £300,000. 777 00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,160 If it's that long, yeah. 778 00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,000 You talk about 300,000, 779 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:45,280 there are obviously the consultants' fees. 780 00:36:45,440 --> 00:36:48,440 Because each one's gonna have to produce a proof of evidence, 781 00:36:48,600 --> 00:36:51,760 -various documents go with it... -So that's more? 782 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:53,080 So more than 300,000? 783 00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:54,880 300,000, that's the legal. 784 00:36:55,040 --> 00:36:58,800 So QC, us, and then the witnesses. 785 00:36:58,960 --> 00:37:00,320 The witnesses are all going to have to be... 786 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:01,920 [Charlie] It's gonna be half a million. 787 00:37:02,120 --> 00:37:04,320 It is going to be half a million, isn't it? 788 00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:06,280 -When all is said and done. -[man] Yeah. 789 00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,080 [sighs] 790 00:37:16,920 --> 00:37:17,840 [sighs] 791 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,080 OK, that's that, then. 792 00:37:21,600 --> 00:37:24,440 You know, with that level of cost, 793 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,960 you know, there's no chance ever of making, you know, a profit. 794 00:37:29,120 --> 00:37:33,680 No matter, you know, how good the business plan is. 795 00:37:33,880 --> 00:37:37,480 Half a million pounds to fund an appeal for the Secretary of State 796 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,040 that we might not even win, 797 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:40,520 you know... 798 00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,280 You know, that's the notion of the restaurant gone. 799 00:37:43,440 --> 00:37:46,840 I just... Actually even I don't know what we should do now. 800 00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:48,360 [dramatic music] 801 00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:53,280 [Jeremy] We're gonna have to live in a murky, grey area 802 00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:56,120 of loopholes and cunning reasons. 803 00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:58,040 You can turn that into something straightaway. 804 00:37:58,200 --> 00:37:59,640 Hold on... 805 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:02,040 [Charlie] We are allowed to do it. 806 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:04,280 [Kaleb] Why didn't anybody figure this earlier? 807 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:05,800 I don't know. 808 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:09,800 It's clever this. 809 00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:12,200 [upbeat music] 811 00:38:13,305 --> 00:39:13,284 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today