Don't let us down now, Valkyrie.
Fingers crossed, Alan.
Yeah, I got everything crossed.
Okay, people.
Transmission arriving in...
And we are standing by. Countdown...
Ten...
Nine.
Eight.
Seven, six.
Five, four.
Three.
Two.
One.
Sorry, I could never resist a countdown.
- Who the hell are you? - Is this Neil Armstrong?
What?
Neil Armstrong.
First man on the moon.
Not quite the first.
What, you mean he wasn't the first man on the moon?
That is such a human-centric question.
I'm the human in this setup.
She is, actually.
A bit embarrassing, really.
Who are you people?
Friendly aliens. Don't mind us.
Just a day out for the kids.
- It's from the chief. - Is it?
Oh, yes, that's right. Authorising us to go anywhere we please. So.
Valkyrie.
Valkyrie is...
Probing the Martian ice caps with a new kind of camera on board.
Uses a different spectrum to see
under the poles
and beam back pictures.
What the hell...
Mars, 1881.
Or thereabouts. According to the TARDIS,
that's when the message was made. Though we may be a bit early.
So, there were humans on Mars in Victorian times.
No.
There weren't.
The TARDIS registered
multiple life forms below the surface, sir.
It seems like the best place to look.
Maybe someone 's been messing around with time.
- Like in The Terminator. - The Terminator?
It's a movie.
- You haven't seen it? - I 'm a very busy man.
Well, you'd like it.
It's got killer robots.
Oh, I'll put it on the list.
Even if there are people here,
why would they bother writing messages on the surface of the planet?
State visit, patriotic fervour.
Rogue graffiti artist.
Doctor...
I see it.
Oh, if there's fire, there's got to be oxygen.
Wait, wait. Let's not be rash.
- Okay. - I 'll go first.
What are you doing?
Fire, oxygen. Basic physics, innit?
Could have been basic death.
Wait, how can there be oxygen here?
The indigenous Martians were superb engineers.
Mind you, there's a lot here that doesn't make sense.
Oh, it's like the underground tunnels in The Thing.
The what?
It's a movie. You'd like that one too. Everybody dies.
Whoa!
Bill!
Bill! Hang on.
We'll find a way down.
Go back to the TARDIS.
Get ropes, lifting gear, anything you can find.
Oh!
Nardole, what the hell are you doing?
So, this could go very well.
Or very badly.
Halt!
I say,
we weren't expecting company.
Right.
Uh...
Yeah...
Right.
No...
By the moons, I honour thee.
I'm the Doctor.
What is your name?
I know your people of old. I was once
honorary guardian of the Tythonian Hive.
Don't move.
I'll sort this bugger out.
No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand.
This creature is no threat.
He may look like a monster to you...
I wasn't talking to you.
You all right, Friday?
Sir.
Who are you and what the devil are you doing here?
Well, I could ask you the same question.
And I will.
Hello?
Hello, miss?
I was wondering if I could ask for your help.
Uh, I need to get to Mars...
Er, well, I need to get back to Mars in fact.
Erm, and it's a little bit urgent,
only the TARDIS is acting up.
And I was wondering if you could tell me how to fix...
Of course, I can.
Oh.
Right. Well, thank you.
It's probably easier if I just show you.
Oh. Erm...
Er...
Indian or China, my dear?
Erm...
I don't know...
China?
Where's Nardole?
Urn...
Well, he seems to have taken the TARDIS.
- What? - It's...
I'm sure it's only a temporary thing, you know,
but it means that for the time being we're...
Stuck here on Mars.
You were saying, Colonel.
Oh, uh, well, yes.
I was stationed out there, er, South Africa.
One day, I came across something in the veld.
Something that was clearly not of this Earth.
An inter-planetary vessel.
I found Friday here, on board, in a sort of coma.
Half dead.
Why do you call him that?
Man Friday?
As in Robinson Crusoe?
So...
According to this,
you've been on board Friday's ship
the whole time?
Yes, but we were...
That was... That sounds...
- That sounds... Quite... - Convincing.
That sounds... Yes, that's right.
On his ship.
Well, I suppose it was pretty roomy, what!
- It was, yes. Wasn't it? Very roomy. - Yes.
But the whole, you know, I mean, getting on board...
I mean, that's all...
It's all a bit hazy.
Maybe you could tell us everything.
Yes, well, erm...
After I woke him up,
Friday asked for my help.
To repair his spaceship?
Yes, and to bring him home.
In return for what?
Er...
Well, now...
That is the question.
Prepare to fire!
On the double! Go, go, go!
Friday helped us build the Gargantua.
A remarkable piece of mining equipment
fashioned from one of his ship's artillery.
He promised us gemstones, you see.
Silver, gold, treasure beyond our wildest dreams.
That's why you helped him come home.
To claim Mars in the name of Queen Victoria.
To loot it of its riches.
Stake a claim.
The Red Planet turned pink.
That was the general idea, old love.
But there's nothing here.
The whole show has been a ruddy washout.
The ship crashed on landing.
I go topside now and then to see if I can repair the beggar.
That's what I was doing when I ran across you.
And?
- No joy so far. - It could have been a fresh start.
For all of us.
But now...
Supplies are running as low as morale.
Things are pretty desperate, I'm afraid.
You told us why you came here.
What does he get out of it?
Nothing.
Nothing?
Well, he was hoping to find his people,
but it appears that he was asleep on that ship
for much longer than he anticipated.
Mars is dead.
Dead as a coffin nail.
Friday's the last of his kind.
Is he now?
You know what Friday is then?
He's an Ice Warrior.
And they're the proper Martians, right?
They belong here.
Yes. The indigenous species.
An ancient reptilian race, they build themselves as sort of
bio-mechanical armour for protection. The creature within
is at one with his carapace.
The Ice Warriors.
They could build a city under the sand,
yet drench the snows of Mars
with innocent blood.
They could slaughter whole civilizations,
yet weep with the crushing of a flower.
Like the Vikings.
Yes.
- Yes, very much. - Yeah.
Kirk Douglas and Tony Curtis. Ah, the theme tune is amazing.
There's this brilliant bit
where, where his eye gets gouged out...
Why have you really come back?
I'm old.
And tired.
And spent.
Now then, Vincey. Look lively, lad.
What's the point though?
- Jackdaw... - Months we've been digging here.
And what have we got to show for it?
Sweet Fanny Adams, that's what!
Yeah.
What old Friday promised, it's a load of gammon.
- Jackdaw. - Wha...
You must come at once, sir.
The Gargantua...
She's... She's uncovered something.
Good Lord.
Looks like old Friday came good after all, eh?
Oh, it's beautiful.
What is it? A tomb?
Not just any tomb.
This is the tomb of an Ice queen.
I've a bad feeling about this.
These sarcophagi were sometimes part
of a complex hibernation system.
Sergeant Major, get these civilians out of here.
No, Colonel, Colonel! You have to let me examine this.
Well, now, I think not, Doctor.
This is a military matter.
This may not just be a grave you have uncovered.
This could be the entrance to an Ice Warrior hive.
What?
Sergeant Major Peach, I gave you an order.
I'm in charge here, Catchlove.
Yes, sir.
- Of course, sir. - Post a guard.
No one's to come near this thing until the morning. Is that clear?
Yes, sir.
The last thing I'm going to do is take sides.
But isn't that obvious?
Friday's been using you all along.
His aim was to get back to Mars and find his queen.
Nonsense.
He was leading us to the riches he promised us.
The simple fact is you don't belong here.
The sooner you get off this planet, the better.
Don't belong?
We're British.
Mars is part of the Empire now.
What happened to not taking sides?
I'm trying to save their lives.
Let's face it. In this scenario, the humans are the invaders.
On the other hand, the Ice Warriors have vastly superior armaments
which will wipe the humans out.
So what am I supposed to do?
Here you go, Sarge.
Much obliged, I'm sure, jackdaw.
Don't I get none?
R-H-I-P, son.
Eh?
"Rank has its privileges."
Christ alive.
Look at the guild on that thing.
That would set up a fellow for life, Vincey,
even just a little bit of it...
Now then, you horrible, old man.
Don't go getting no fancy notions.
I'm sure the Colonel will be distributing this munificence
in a fair and decent fashion.
And we can all look forward to...
To...
A rosy future.
Sarge?
Jackdaw, what have you done?
Acquired that from the infirmary.
He'd be as right as ninepence come dawn.
- But by then, I'll be gone. - Gone?
Gone where? In case you've forgotten, we're marooned on ruddy Mars.
You don't know what I know, sir.
Captain Catchlove's further on with his repairs than he's let on.
Oh, yes, my old love.
Jackdaw's going home.
But this time, he'll be minted.
Come on, give us a hand.
Right.
- Keep an eye out, will you? - No.
You ain't getting me involved in this lie, jackdaw.
Oh, go on. Be a sport.
You'll get your share of the rhino.
I promise.
# It's the same the whole world over
# It's the poor what gets the blame
# It's the rich what gets the pleasure
# Ain't it all a bleedin' shame? #
Someone's coming, jackdaw.
We'll ruddy swing for this.
Jackdaw?
Come on, mate. Don't muck about.
Jackdaw?
What manner of fleshy worm are you?
Speak.
What the hell?
That was
unwise.
Your Majesty.
By the moons, I honour thee.
Iraxxa, My Empress, My Queen.
My sentinel.
You have fulfilled your pledge.
I am resurrected.
Forgive me, Majesty,
but we have slept longer than anticipated.
By my calculations, Majesty,
we have slept for 5,000 years.
Five thousand years!
Guards, guards, hurry!
Move, move! Come on, you lot!
What the devil?
What the hell is going on here, Friday?
Colonel, let me speak to them. I can do this. I can sort this out.
Who the devil is this?
She is Iraxxa, Empress of Mars.
The deuce she is.
You think you can just go about slaughtering
my men willy-nilly, do you, madam?
Your men?
What does the pink thing say?
Pink thing!
Sergeant Major!
- Call to arms! - No, no, no, wait.
Wait, Catch love, wait.
Your Honour must be satisfied. An eye for an eye.
Lam in command here.
All right.
By the moons, I honour thee.
I am the Doctor.
And I beg leave to intercede.
You know my race.
I do.
And I ask mercy for these primitives...
- Primitives! - Shh!
Majesty,
the world you knew is dead.
The atmosphere has all but evaporated.
The surface is lifeless.
If there are others
who sleep here,
they cannot survive on Mars without help.
You must cooperate if you want to survive.
He speaks the truth, Majesty.
The war, all that we've fought for
is less than the dust now.
And you?
Female.
What do you say?
Me?
We are both surrounded
by noisy males.
I would value your opinion.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, er...
They're not lying to you.
There's no need for anyone else to die today.
The humans saved his life.
Is this true?
His cryogenic cell was damaged. They saved him.
And made him their pet!
It was necessary to dissemble, Majesty.
I thought only of your resurrection.
It was a tactical decision.
An Ice Warrior's duty is to command.
Present!
Iraxxa, listen to me.
The Mars you ruled is gone.
But don't let it end this way!
Fight this.
For the future.
Not a dead past.
- You bloody fool! - Sorry, sir.
Down, put your gun down. Halt.
Majesty-
Are you all right?
You ask for mercy for these creatures.
Indeed.
Then I grant it.
Thank you.
They will die...
Quickly.
No! Colonel! Get your men out of here!
Colonel!
Retreat, retreat!
Catch love, listen to me. Your only chance is to come to terms.
But we have the Gargantua.
- Is she primed and aimed, Sergeant? - Yes, sir.
No, no, I forbid you. That is not the way...
Oh, forbid. You forbid?
Well, this farce has gone on long enough.
Arms at the ready!
Ready...
No, no. Don't shoot him, for God's sake.
Put it down!
Put your guns down.
What the devil!
That'll hold him.
We're about to go to war, so it's time you knew
the truth.
Listen to me, men.
The Colonel is not what he appears.
The hero of Isandlwana!
- Show them your famous wounds. - No, no, no.
- No, please. No, no, no, please. - Show them!
The mark of a rope.
While you were fighting for Queen and country,
the Colonel here
was dancing the Newgate Polka.
This...
This is the mark of the rope that failed to hang him for desertion.
They tried to hang him but they bungled it.
He's a paper tiger.
Not fit to command.
Look, it doesn't matter who's in charge of your stupid expedition.
You don't stand a chance against the Ice Warriors.
What? All two of them?
There will be more, you idiot.
The hive is active.
Don't you see? They'll do anything to defend their home planet.
Well, I dare say the British army
is more than a match for a bunch of upright crocodiles.
- Sergeant Major! - Sir.
I'm assuming command.
Take the Colonel and put him in the brig.
Sergeant Major Peach, I gave you an order.
Very good, sir.
Private!
If you would be so good as to come this way, sir.
Oh, and for the last time,
get these wretched people out of my sight.
- Put them in the brig too. - Go on.
There's no room for civilians here.
- This isn't over, Catchlove. - No.
It ain't.
Not now Neville Catchlove's in charge.
You'll regret this.
In a couple of hours, you'll be begging for help.
It will take time to revive all of my warriors.
But perhaps enough are awoken
to go on the offensive.
If either of those creatures get out of there,
- we'll be ready for them. - Yes, sir.
- Carry on, Sergeant Major. - We won't let you down, sir.
There's no setting for wood. Why is there still no setting for wood?
But you got a plan?
Yes, of course, I've got a plan. I'm all plans. I'm made of plans.
Who the deuce are you two, really?
You speak of us as though we're a different species.
You seem to know all about these, uh, these Ice Warrior.
You seem to know a lot about most things.
Well...
- We're sort of police. - Speak for yourself.
What? You can deal with big, green Martians
and rocket ships, but you can't deal with us being the police.
No. No, it's just such
a fanciful notion. A woman in the police force.
Listen.
Yeah.
I'm going to make allowances for your Victorian attitudes
because...
Well, you actually are Victorian.
But anyway. Is it true?
You deserted?
Why?
Oh...
(Iowa rd ice.
Simple cowardice.
I thought I had it in me to command, Miss Potts,
but when push came to shove, I flunked it.
Deserted my post.
Catchlove's the only one who knew and he's bled me dry.
It could have been a fresh start.
For all of us.
How's it looking out there?
All quiet.
It's traditional at this point to say...
Too quiet.
Always liked the Colonel, I did.
Seemed a decent chap.
We must take orders from the Captain now, son.
Them's the rules.
Sir.
Blimey, Sarge, this is quite...
to tell your kids.
I mean Mars!
You just face front and mark your man when you see him, Vincey lad.
I should have known, I should.
Wait till Alice hears all this.
Set a date, have you, son?
You and your Alice?
Oh, not yet. When I have enough put by to make us comfy.
Then we'll get married in that little church with the twisted spire
back home, down by the river.
Oh, it's so green there, Sarge.
It's beautiful.
I miss the trees.
And the grass.
I never want to see red again in all my puff.
I just wanna see...
How in God's name did they get behind us?
Turn it!
For God's sake, 90 degrees!
It won't work, sir!
We need more men!
Catchlove, this is senseless slaughter!
Front, commit!
Fire!
Come on, lads, there's only three of them!
Sleep no more, my warriors,
sleep no more.
It is time.
Doctor, what do we do?
There's no way out!
Close it! Close the gap!
Retreat! Retreat! Run for it!
Sir, what do we do?
Oh, sod this, for a game of soldiers.
Friday?
Doctor, we must work together.
Rise, my Ice Warriors! Rise!
Regroup! For the honour of the regiment!
No way!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, where are you going?
I'm sorry, Doctor. Blue funk, can't help it.
I can't do it. I'm sorry.
I need a distraction.
- You got one. - Good luck.
Oi! Queenie!
Let's talk.
Woman to woman.
You valued my opinion before.
Perhaps.
But this is war.
Why?
Why does it have to be war?
You're Majesty, she's right.
You have forged a new alliance, I see.
Uh, we can stand together.
It's too late.
Mars stands alone.
We are strong.
Soon, all my warriors will wake.
We do not require assistance.
Your Majesty!
Oh, Your Majesty!
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Stand down or I'll fire.
Fire at what?
Well, geography was never my strong suit,
but aren't we underneath Mars' north pole?
Over our heads, millions of tons of snow and ice.
One good blast from the Gargantua here,
your army will be on ice forever.
Trapped in an eternal winter.
Like...
Like Frozen.
It's a movie.
You would destroy yourself at the same time.
Well, that's a price worth paying, isn't it?
It's a simple choice, Iraxxa, the oldest in the book.
We must live together...
Or die together.
You dare to touch me!
Yes, I dare.
Don't do this, Captain. Don't mess this up.
No choice, old boy.
You, you see, I suddenly remembered
I need a bit of a hand getting that ruddy ship off the ground.
And who better to ask than the Ice Queen herself?
Call off your dogs, Your Majesty.
Call them off.
That's better.
'Course, er, I will have to dynamite the lifts to stop you following,
but, erm...
Well, war is hell, what?
You want to escape, I can help.
Just leave Iraxxa with her people. Don't mess this up.
Oh, thank you, Doctor, but, erm,
I think I prefer my plan.
Gentlemen!
It's been a privilege, however brief, to command you, but...
All good things come to an end.
I think you'll find, Captain...
That I'm in command, here.
You sacrificed one of your own
without tactical advantage.
No, I didn't sacrifice him.
I executed him.
Do you now expect your life to be spared?
No. No, no, no.
I expect it to be taken.
And I give it willingly.
No, no, no, wait...
Stop this, Doctor. Stop it.
Some time ago,
I was hanged for cowardice.
The execution took longer than expected,
and I fear I have not used my time well.
I should be happy for you
to complete the work they failed to do so long ago.
It will be a pleasure.
- No, please don't do this. - Bill, quiet!
He saved your life!
Your Majesty, I have a request, if that may be permitted.
Speak.
That man was not one of us.
Please do not judge mankind by his cruelty
or, indeed, by my cowardice.
Spare my friends and my world.
Your request does you credit, soldier.
It will be considered.
God save the Queen!
You will die with honour.
With bravery.
And in the service of those you swore to protect.
Thank you.
You don't know what that means.
Thank you.
But not today.
In battle...
Soldier.
To die in battle is the way of the Warrior.
Pledge your allegiance to me and my world,
and I will ensure
you have the opportunity.
My life and my service are yours.
To the end.
To the death,
my friend.
To the death.
You knew that would happen.
Always been my problem.
- What? - Thinking like a warrior.
Ugh.
There we are.
Er, I've sent out a sort of round robin e-mail.
All being well, the first intelligent space-going system
will be in touch fairly soon.
Thank you, Doctor.
Mars is dead, but the Ice Warriors will live on.
Will they make it?
Oh, yes.
In fact, this might be the beginning of the Martian Golden Age.
Are you receiving us? Mars, are you receiving?
This is Iraxxa,
Queen Empress of Mars.
Ah, excellent! We have received details of your situation.
We would be happy to send a fleet to your aid at once.
A physical marker of some sort would be appreciated to guide our ships.
To whom am I speaking?
This is Alpha Centauri.
Welcome to the universe.
Big enough?
For the ship to see?
I think so.
You gonna be okay?
Well, that's twice I've been executed.
Whatever happens now, it's gonna be better than I expected.
Ah, there's nothing for me back on Earth and...
To help forge a new world well, that would be my privilege.
Seems a shame, though.
What does?
Well, no one back on Earth will ever know that we got here.
All will be forgotten.
Oh, not quite forgotten, Colonel.
You've changed the mind-set of a very stubborn Martian monarch.
And one day...
Even though the ice cap may obscure it,
someone's going to notice that.
So, er...
What did I miss?
Where have you been?
Yeah, er, before you go getting all frowny,
er, well, er...
Are you all right?
This can't happen.
This is not what we agreed to.
I'm gonna have to put you back in the vault, you know that.
Sure.
That's fine.
What?
But, Doctor, please, tell me, really,
are you all right?
The Ninth Legion and the keeper of the gate.
- They disappeared. - Except they didn't.
Where is my friend and what destroyed the Roman army?
Something here managed to wipe out 5,000 Romans.
Doc-tor.
Every hour of sunlight that feeds it makes the world darker,
and the beast stronger.