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Sorry I'm late. Had a family emergency
with, um... I don't know. I want to say Chris?
Uh, I wasn't listening super close.
Why don't you sit down and drink beer
and tell us about it instead of being home with your family?
Apparently, Chris and his girlfriend broke up.
Something about her wanting to see other people.
So the doctor says this surgery is gonna
restore my eyesight.
What? Oh, no.
"Oh, no"?
But I thought you'd be happy, Colin Farrell.
Oi, blimey. Uh, get stuffed.
I'm-I'm gonna see other birds.
G-Good day, mate.
Don't look. Don't look. I think that's Colin Farrell.
And this girl was his first love.
Poor Chris. He was sobbing his eyes out
when I abruptly left.
First loves always hit the hardest.
I'll say. I still remember my first real love.
Seems like yesterday.
Why, just thinking back on her makes everything
all shimmery and distorted.
I was working for Federal Express,
like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.
And just like Tom Hanks in Cast Away,
I said the words "Federal Express"
a suspicious number of times.
Excuse me, miss. Asking as a Federal Express employee,
may I please get a refill of iced tea very quickly,
the way Federal Express delivers parcels?
There was only one thing I loved more
than corporate-branded content,
and that was my fiancée, Helen Hunt.
Hubba-hubba.
Darn right hubba-hubba.
You know how most guys want their girlfriends
to look like a pissy bird?
Well, I was living the dream.
You're 17 seconds late.
I am a Federal Express employee
who is very obsessed with time.
Well, that's my fiancé.
Give me a kiss, you time-obsessed beardless man
who is unable to spear a fish with a sharpened stick.
Remember all that stuff for later.
Mm, oh, I can't wait to do more than kiss.
Only three more days till the wedding.
Yep. I've got just one last flight
across the Planecrash Sea, and then I'm all yours.
Little did I know.
I'll never forget that fateful day.
Looking back, I never should have
tried to do two fantasy football drafts
while flying a plane.
- I ended up with four defenses. - Ugh!
FE-117,
looks like you got rough weather.
Maybe you should just do auto-draft
for your fantasy leagues, over.
Uh, negative, negative, Control.
I am heterosexual, over.
Ha. There's that clean-shaven guy
who cannot spear a fish with a stick
that we all know and love.
Damn it.
Too bad I'm in an airplane and can only go
straight into a storm and not over or around.
Wait, I think the storm is breaking up.
I was gonna make it, but then
the plane got hit by lightning.
Oh!
And I somehow drafted the punter
Jeff Feagles in the second round.
Oh!
And it was all over.
I was all alone on an uncharted island.
What could I do?
Definitely not spear a fish
with a hand-sharpened stick.
'Cause remember, that was a complete non-starter for me.
If I wanted to make it back to my Helen,
I'd need to find a way to survive.
Luckily I had a whole plane's worth of FedEx parcels
I could open and use.
Oh, please be food. Please be food.
Oh, thank God, I'm saved. Peanut brittle.
Aah!
"From Peter Griffin."
Gotcha. Continue.
But then I opened the most important package of all.
My only friend on the island.
I'm gonna call you Wilson, after Rita Wilson,
the most beautiful and talented woman in Hollywood.
The true first lady of American culture.
I swear, I didn't say all that stuff just so Tom Hanks
would let us do this movie.
Character development.
I had been on that island
for four years.
Man, I've been on this island
for somewhere between two and seven years.
I'm not sure which 'cause I'm no longer obsessed with time.
That's more character development.
Anyway, all these years later,
I still couldn't get Helen Hunt out of my mind.
I was going nuts thinking about her.
Oh, Helen...
Oh come on, get it together. Think of something else.
Think of anything besides Helen Hunt.
Oh, almost Helen Hunt.
Enough was enough.
I decided to build a raft and get back to my beloved.
But what to make the raft out of?
Got to be something I can use.
What floats? What floats?
Mm, definitely not these footballs for Tom Brady.
Straight to the bottom.
I wonder.
Aah!
Two for two. Continue.
I was able to float away
on a raft made out of the giant joke box.
It was me and Wilson and this one other kind of lame guy.
Boy, you hoist a sail,
then where did the wind go? Am I right?
I just saw you take a dump in the ocean.
I'm not really looking to chat.
Days passed.
Wilson and I were all alone.
No drinking water and no food, except...
Nope, not this time.
Eh, you're no fun. Continue.
But then disaster struck.
Aah! Aah!
No. No! Wilson!
Eventually I moved on
and largely forgot about Wilson.
Why are you smiling, honey?
Oh, I used to bone that volleyball.
I don't remember much after that.
Apparently I was picked up by some cargo ship.
But then, wouldn't you know it,
the ship got taken over by Somali pirates.
Look at me. Look at me.
We are doing this movie now.
Then that Somali pirate did a bunch of stuff
and then nothing else ever again,
and eventually I got back home.
After years and years away,
it was finally time to see my Helen.
Oh, my God, you're alive.
I thought about you every day, Helen.
You're the reason I stayed alive all these years.
I never stopped loving you.
I'm-I'm sorry.
I got back together with Paul Reiser.
What?
We did a Mad About You reboot
on Spectrum Originals.
Which just sounds fake.
I mean, did you watch any of that?
Do you even know anyone who...
I-I... Like, I literally do not know one person
who saw, like, a single minute of that.
I'm so sorry.
I was devastated.
Helen was my first true love...
The only woman I ever wanted...
And she had moved on without me.
Fortunately, five years later, they invented
portable pornography on telephones,
and I've literally never thought about her since.
Well, that was a touching tale of first love, Quagmire.
And I googled Spectrum Originals, by the way.
Found nothing. Zero matches.
Nothing on Ask Jeeves either,
but they don't always have everything.
Anyway, I remember my first love.
It's quite an interesting story.
Okay, guess I'll be going last tonight.
This was back in the early '60s.
I was working at a hoity-toity camp
for rich Jewish people.
Are you Jewish in this?
No.
Anyway, this camp was highly renowned
for offering exclusively clean dancing.
You are the cleanest dancer I ever met.
It's why we come here every year.
But all the while, I was being watched
by the prettiest girl in the camp.
Her name was Jennifer Schnozz, and I saw her everywhere.
Seems like she was always sniffing around someplace.
Okay.
Daytimes were reserved for clean dancing,
but at night, someone would bring
a very large watermelon to the staff cabin,
and for some reason, that meant
it was time for dirty dancing.
We had booze, sexy music,
and because it was August by a lake,
lots of mosquitos.
My favorite partner was Dancy McGee.
She was the best dancer on the staff,
as you can tell from this dance party
where she's dancing neither better nor worse
than anyone on the staff.
But there Jennifer was again,
always with her nose pressed against the glass,
or anything else she was standing three feet away from.
Might be going a bit hard with the nose stuff.
Relax, she's fine. She got a new one.
It was time to make my move.
Hey, do I know you?
Yeah. We were both in Red Dawn
and we probably had sex on set and then you dumped me
and now we famously hate each other.
Oh, yeah, Jennifer.
Well, welcome to the Poke-a-nose.
That was kind of my joke around camp.
People loved it, way better than my
"welcome to the Catskills" bit.
I was not invited back to that camp.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
What's the matter?
It's-it's my jaw.
It's very clicky.
I th... I think I have TMJ.
- TMJ? - Oh, no!
I hear that causes mild discomfort
but doesn't otherwise interfere with lifestyle.
Of course, back then, it was illegal
to get jaw surgery.
The only places that would do it
were sketchy, unsafe, back-alley jaw clinics.
Do you want to keep the TMJ?
Come on, Joe. I'm single, I'm poor,
I work at a Jewish camp for tips.
Ugh. Brutal.
What's three percent of frugal, am I right?
Not the year for it, Peter.
But, Dancy, what about the big talent show?
Dancy was gonna be my partner at the camp talent show,
which is the most important thing in this whole story.
After I get my jaw surgery,
I'm gonna be in mouth recovery, Joe.
I'm out.
What? Then who am I supposed to dance with?
Literally any one of these other women
- we just saw dancing? - I'll do it.
Ugh.
I know I've never danced before,
but you could teach me.
All right, I'll give you a shot,
but you better not be ticklish
if I touch the inside of your arm
during dance practice.
Y-Yeah. No, no, that-that won't be a problem.
This is the I was talking about!
Wow, I guess I'm just really bad at
you holding me over your head while I do nothing.
Eh, keep practicing. You'll get there.
Anyway, I like how you always seem to drop me
into the one warm spot in this whole cold lake.
Yeah, and I, uh, I like how you're at least 18 years old.
Actually, I'm...
I like how you're at least 18 years old.
Her nickname was "Baby," which means over 18 years old.
Anyway, we were falling in love, but then...
- Joe, come quick! It's Dancy. - Again?
He's developmentally disabled
and that's the only thing he knows how to say
but still, we should go check on her.
It's... it's bad, right?
No, no, it's fine.
Hey, can you hang on a sec?
President Kennedy said he's excited to show
the city of Dallas, quote, "just how white a shirt can be."
Joe, this is serious. My whole jaw's messed up.
I don't understand. We sent you to the best
cigarette-smoking surgeon we know.
But listen, you're gonna be okay.
Son of a bitch!
Fortunately, Jennifer had called her father,
who's a doctor.
Oh, dear God. Good thing I got here in time.
Fetch me my big bag of medical supplies
I take on vacation.
Thank you for coming, Dr. Hartman.
Shut up. I don't like you because you're poor.
Daddy, is she gonna be okay?
She's gonna make it. But I blame you for this.
Because it's important for the story
- that I blame you for this. - I'm sorry.
Sorry doesn't cut it.
Something this terrible calls for real consequences.
No dancing with my daughter at the meaningless talent show.
What? No!
My word is final.
So what I'm doing right here is I'm thinking about Jennifer
and how she's like the wind.
What does that mean, "she's like the wind"?
Just, you know, she and the wind.
Uh, lots of similarities there, you know.
She's very wind-like.
Yeah, but like, but how, specifically?
I mean, where do I even start?
Basically, they're like two peas in a pod, those two.
Her and the wind. You know?
No, I don't kn... You know,
you keep saying "you know,"
and I don't know,
and that's why I'm asking the question.
In what precise way is she like the wind?
Well, um, like, if you picture my heart like trees,
she blows through my trees.
All right, so in what way is your heart like trees?
Aw, look, it's a good song, okay?!
The point is I'm missing Jennifer,
I want her back.
Just say that then.
Enough with this wind business.
Finally, it came...
The night of the big talent show.
The show started late 'cause the grandma bragging
had gone a bit long.
Doctor!
Buzz, buzz, buzz, lawyer.
Five foot, six.
Everyone, I hope you enjoyed the dinner of leftovers
from last year's dinner.
I mentioned it was a Jewish camp, right?
But now it's time to start the talent show.
This was my last chance.
I wasn't gonna let all those hours
of standing in a lake go to waste.
Nobody puts Legal Adult in a corner.
Unfortunately, this was the Star of David Dining Hall,
so pretty much the whole place was corners.
It was finally time for us to dance together.
Happy 1963, everyone.
For our big finale, we're gonna dance to a song
written in 1985.
We had to dance to this song about female masturbation
because we couldn't afford "The Time of My Life."
I think you mean open parentheses
"I've Had" closed parentheses, "The Time of My Life."
Sure, whatever. The point is we danced great
and everyone was cheering for us.
Yay!
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
And that's the story of my first love.
P.S., that night we had sex, I got her pregnant,
and three weeks later she had an abortion.
I mean jaw-fixing. Whatever we called it earlier.
- Well, I remember my first... - Anyway, I remember my first...
Oh.
Think, uh, think it's probably gonna be Peter, right?
Sorry, Cleveland.
But I remember my first love.
It was 1989, the golden age of Hollywood.
The year of Troop Beverly Hills,
Fletch Lives, Gleaming the Cube,
and a hilarious new addition
to the Harry and the Hendersons franchise.
Harry meets a girl Bigfoot? Count me in.
Well, that's what I thought, anyway.
Turns out Harry was shorter in this movie,
but he did look marvelous.
And the actress? Oh, my gosh.
You know how I always wanted to marry a woman
who looks like the Full House baby?
Well, this was her: Meg Ryan.
Schwing!
I said, being the first person
who ever said that.
Ha, ha, that guy's the first person
to ever say that.
Wow, you're hilarious.
What's your name so we can tell everyone
that you were the first?
Aw, come on, guys, I don't care who gets the credit.
This is making your story less credible.
Anyway, from the first time I saw Meg Ryan pout
in When Harry Met Sally,
I knew I wanted to see her pout in every movie.
And then eventually change her face
so she's incapable of pouting.
Ah, nothing better than movie theater popcorn.
Some for me, some for the cleaning guy.
So, you must really like this movie.
Are... are-are you... are you talking to me?
I got to talk to somebody.
He's about to do a 20-minute song parody
of the 1988 Oscar nominees.
Come join me, Peter. It's a 1980s movie,
so there's lots and lots of 1940s music.
- What's that guy doing? - He's ruining the movie.
Joe, come quick! It's Dancy.
So that happened.
I've never heard that.
You're the first. Peter Griffin's the first.
Aw, come on, Meg Ryan, it's not about that.
Yeah, you got to stop doing this, Peter.
That day we talked and talked
as an unrealistic amount of leaves fell around us.
Hey, thanks for walking me around
in this watered-down Woody Allen movie.
You're welcome, Peter. But what do you think?
Can a man and a woman just be friends
without the sex?
Oh, uh, yeah, uh, sure, yeah.
Uh, me-men and women can just be friends.
But, like, the fourth or fifth friend you call.
What do you say, Peter? Friends?
- Friends with benefi... - Benefits? No.
I was gonna say Benefiber.
I been getting wicked stopped up lately.
- Ew. - Welcome to being friends with a guy, Meg Ryan.
Me and Meg Ryan had a special connection.
I even followed her into other movies,
like Sleepless in Seattle,
which ends on the top of the Empire State building.
Gee, Pop, I'm sorry I left my backpack
just laying around at the Empire State Building,
which is an actual plot point from the film.
Don't worry, it's still just the 1990s,
so it's okay to abandon your backpack
in big-city landmarks.
See something, say nothing,
That's the 1990s New York way.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ah. This is our last chance to look at Brooklyn
before Lena Dunham gets there.
I also followed her to You've Got Mail,
where I drove her little bookstore out of business
before my big bookstore went out of business.
Also, I DMed her on my eight-inch-thick laptop.
As always, I wrote to her as friends. Just friends.
It seemed like we'd be just friends forever,
but then came the movie that changed everything.
The most important film of all time:
In the Cut. Because naked!
It's just, ever since we met you've been my best friend,
and I was always afraid of damaging that
because I don't want to risk this connection.
Shh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Hey.
Shut up, Meg.
Excuse me, sir? Sir.
Wake up, sir.
Turns out I never did get pulled
up into that movie screen.
I had just Pee Wee Herman'ed myself
in the theater and fell asleep.
Huh? What?
What's going on here?
Um...
I'll have what she's having?
And that's when my doctor said, "You can't drink and do Ambien."
So, there you go, my first love: Meg Ryan.
Or maybe Melanie Griffith.
You know, now that I'm thinking about it,
did you see Body Double?
Good God.
That's a wonderful story, Peter.
I'm always happy just to listen
and be here for you.
Donna says hi.
Is it okay if I tell my first love story?
If it wasn't good enough to tell
in one of the 88 episodes of your show,
maybe it's not good enough for us.
Could you guys do me a favor and laugh
like I'm telling you a hilarious story?
See?
I get a flashback, too.
I don't see nothing shimmering.
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