(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Here they are.
(BRAKES HISSING)
(BACKUP ALERT BEEPING)
What's he do... What's he doing?
Come on, it'll be fine. It'll fit!
I'm afraid he's... he's not gonna drive through.
-He says it won't fit. -We , clearly it'll fit.
What is he, vehicle dysmorphic?
The bridge has a three-and-a-half ton weight limit,
and, uh, he's worried about his mirrors.
Well, which is it, Charlotte? The story keeps changing.
TOM: Hey, hey! Come on down!
This is not my intended welcome. Okay?
-(STAMMERING) We will sort it, Tom. -Heyl
-Hey, good to see ya. -We can just get buggies and...
Buggies? How the fuck long will that take?
We just need to round up the buggies and...
I work in hospitality, Charlotte, okay, so I can smell bullshit.
-Moml Hey! -Honeyl
Hey! Hey, Daddy!
Hey, Tommy, it's great to see ya.
Couple of hours?
It was wonderful just sitting there. We liked watching the planes.
Your father thought he might've seen the man from U2.
And Arthur Laffer, of the Laffer curve?
-Right... -Are they coming?
Well, could be... It's mostly rock gods and economists.
Hey, hey, it's the Fly Guys!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
-Good to see you! -You made it, man!
Hey, Tommy, your mother's a little thirsty.
-Mom, are you thirsty? -A little thirsty.
l... I don't wanna be a trouble, Torn.
I... It was my fault.
-Grab a bag, and then we'll go... -Yeah, yeah.
I'll follow you up.
I hope you're happy now, Charlotte, 'cause my mother is dying of thirst.
And l'vejust picked up a bag. l'm carrying a case on my wedding eve.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, I gotta go.
But I'll see you there, okay?
Uh, I managed to change the time for the embassy, and...
(CHUCKLES)
Sorry, are we okay?
Oh, yeah.
Gil, you don't have to come to the wedding.
That's not...
We've just been doing the media monitoring.
Motherfuckers, l'll fucking kill him.
I'll take them to pieces.
-NATHAN EL: He's not sleeping. -Right.
It's, uh, what's-his-name. He's got under his skin.
Screwdriver-face.
Oh, the bit...
The bit where he implied he murdered his wife.
Yeah, for some reason that's somewhat irked him.
Gil, you don't need to focus on this. We can hit it.
I know. I'm focused.
l'm X-raying this briefing for salient facts.
I mean, I don't wanna make a big thing out of this,
but is it possible your father is the worst human being who ever lived?
Uh, l... I don't think that's...
Is it true he's not coming to the wedding out of, what, spite?
-(SIGHS) Well, it's complicated. -I wanna take him out.
I wanna destroy ATN.
I'm not sure that's wise.
And if I said it was wise, would you have a problem with that?
No.
In the end, Gil, I'll do whatever you want.
Siobhan, look... If there's something, anything you can get me.
I'm in a fucking knife fight here.
I'm holding a dildo made out of American cheese.
So this is really gonna happen, yeah?
You know I don't want ICBC as part of the syndicate, right?
Uh, seventy-five to 150 basis points, and 0.2% commitment fee.
-Oh, my fucking God. -Then, yeah, fuck yeah.
-I feel good. -Holy shit.
Without them we're good to go. Let me call you back.
Um, has your sister ever heard of Lake Como?
Has she ever heard of Venice, St. Barts, the Maldives?
Has she heard of these locations? She must be aware of them.
I got the call. You get the call?
I got the fucking call.
Shall we go inside? Come on.
What? In here?
Brother, we are putting together a hostile takeover
of one of the largest media corporations in the world.
I think we can brave some non-vintage champagne.
Wow.
Um, can we get some champagne? A bottle, please? Thank you.
What are we talking? Like 10 days, then we go in for the kill?
Yeah.
Can't keep it on lockdown for more than about 10 days, right?
-Yeah, that's about it. -BARMAID: John?
John?
-John! -So, like, uh...
BARMAID: Have we got any of that champagne?
...the 19th, for the bear hug?
-Yeah, good. One little thing... -Good.
The Canadians, there seems to be a little static on some details.
-Like what? -Like, you as CEO.
-What do you mean? -Relax, okay?
This doesn't happen without you.
It's normal co-investor bullshit.
Frank knows those guys. You want me to...
-You want me to... -l'll handle it, dude.
No leaks, please. Not to Frank, not to anyone.
Why are you so jumpy about this, Ken?
Why am ljumpy?
About fucking Rome,
fucking Shiv and Connor
probably blowing what's left of my dad's fucking brain?
About taking the company out of family control, forever?
I don't know, Stewy. Why would that make me jumpy?
Look, I don't give a fuck.
But, I mean... Do you want me to ask?
I'm just curious to see if she's gonna come begging.
-Because I can ask. -I don’t wanna ask.
If she wants to ask, she can ask.
'Cause I can... I can physically see her.
Gerri, I don't wanna ask.
Okay.
She comes crawling, then I'll think it over.
-Fine. Okay, I get it. -Who's there?
-Um... -Have you seen Caroline?
Is she still with that chinless hippie prick?
Ooh, I thought we might miss the rehearsal.
Oh, we don't need to rehearse. We're gonna kill it.
Did you think again about your dad and whether we want to reconsider?
-Fuck him. -Right, right.
And did you think again about whether we wanna go Wamsgans
or Roy-Wamsgans?
Or, as I said, I'd be willing to just drop traditional
and go Tom-Roy, in fact, for myself, if...
Um...
Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
Uh-huh.
I could do with knowing about the bad thing, in cruises.
You know, the thing that meant you couldn't sleep?
Uh-huh.
-No? -Uh... l...
No, I don't know. I just think, yeah...
ljust think, you know, church and state, and... and AC/DC,
and Ebony and Ivory and never the twain shall meet.
Yeah, right, but you always wanted to make it public.
-Didn't you? -Yes, yeah.
-In my bones, I did. -Exactly.
But I did then destroy all the evidence, so...
(CLEARS THROAT)
I guess, you know, if it's bad...
The longer you leave it, the worse it'll be when it comes out.
Yes, unless it never comes out, you know?
I bet it's not even that bad.
Uh, it is quite bad.
It's quite bad.
SHIV: Oh, fuck, here we go. TOM: Look, honey.
This is where it's happening.
Ooh.
-Oh, hey. -Hey.
-lt's exciting! -SH V: Hey.
You, uh... (CHUCKLES) You spoken to the wicked bitch of the West yet?
just got here, Shiv.
Hey, is this gonna take long?
SHIV: Shall we?
-Saddle up, soldier. -Oh, come on.
She can't be that bad.
Yeah. Just don't look at her directly.
CAROLINE: Hello! Hello, hello.
-Hi. -(CHUCKLES) Here you are.
CAROLINE: I knew you'd arrive eventually.
Tom, remember Tabs?
-SH V: My mom. -Hello!
-Tom. -Hi.
Gosh, look at you.
-You're very plausible. -Oh, thank you.
Exactly.
(SHIV AND TOM CHUCKLE)
-Hi, Mom. -Hi, Kendall.
ROMAN: Tabitha, have you guys met?
-Have you all... -Bro.
(ROMAN BARKING)
So, shall we go and play happy families?
TOM: Yes. Great.
-SH V: Mmm-hmm. -(TAB THA CHUCKLES)
Well done on Tom.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
Tell me again why you're marrying him.
-Mom, come on. -(CHUCKLES) Joking. I like...
-I like him! -Okay.
And I want to say I hope this can be nice.
I really appreciate your coming over here.
-Okay, it's no worries. -GREG: Hey! Hey!
My travel agent specializes in guilt trips.
-Hey! Hey! -(CHUCKLES)
Apologies. Did I miss anything?
-No. -Happy day.
Caroline Collingwood.
Pleased to meet you.
Likewise, your excellency.
Gregory Hirsch.
Greg!
-You're Greg egg. -Excuse me?
You're Greg the egg!
When you were born you looked like a little misshapen egg.
I did... Yeah, I did hear tell of...
And your dad used to try and sleep with all the men in Sausalito.
-(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) -(LAUGH NG)
-How's your mother? -Uh, good. Okay, yeah.
Solvent, currently. Debt free.
Great. Come on in.
Come and see our little church.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
These are all my disreputable slave-owning ancestors.
-GREG: Very nice. -(CAROLINE SCOFFS)
-Oh, my God. Tom, did you see? -What, Greg?
-Did I see what? -That's the girl from Brooklyn.
-From your bachelor party. -Yes.
Who sucked your dick and made you swallow your load.
Greg, that's not very weddingy.
-But that's her. -I know.
Greg, her name is Tabitha, and she and Roman are dating.
-Mmm-hmm. -Which is cool, so please, do not act
like an unsophisticated rube.
-Okay. Wow. -Yeah.
He really liked her and it's fine.
It's just one of those weird urban things,
like when you go to see stand-up, and the comedian is your dentist.
-Okay? Yeah? -Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh.
-Hey! -Hey.
-Hey! -So...
-We should, uh, get going. -Yeah, let's do it.
l'm Willa, by the way, I'm Connor's partner.
(CHUCKLES)
Fantastic.
And what do you do, Willa?
Oh, um... I'm a... I'm a playwright.
-Wow. Fantastic. -Yeah.
-Thank you. -America.
And what do you do, Connor?
Well, um...
Connor doesn't really do anything.
Do you, Con?
I think they're all gathered now, Patrick.
-Shall we? -What?
What?
Shit.
Just to get things straight.
Am I right that the father... I understand the father...
Couldn't be bothered.
(TOM CHUCKLES)
He's, uh... He's not well, he's not well.
CAROLINE: Yeah, that's the story.
Everyone remember the story.
So, uh, lwill be performing the father role.
VICAR: Great.
Listen, I didn't mean you don't do anything, ljust...
Well, that's a shame because that's what you said.
No, you know, I mean, nothing like my writing.
Safeguarding 30,000 acres of wilderness, that's nothing?
Being on the verge of setting up a podcast on Napoleonic history
with a considerable level of investment interest, that's nothing?
-No, sure, it's... -Cracking the nut of happiness,
like a modern day Thoreau. Well, that's nothing.
Con, you're great, okay.
You are... l...
It was a dumb thing to say.
Well, here we are.
The ancestral home Caroline didn't inherit.
The thorn in her side, the fish bone in her throat.
When we were kids, she wouldn't even let us look at it.
What do you think?
I mean, (LAUGHS) it's massive!
I hate it.
KENDALL: Hey, so, listen. FRANK: Mmm-hmm.
KENDALL: You know the Canadians, right?
Yves, et cetera?
FRANK: Oh. The pension fund guys? Yeah.
KENDALL: Yeah.
What do they think of me?
How do you mean? What's the context?
I can't give you context.
Okay. That's very interesting context.
-Look, as a pal... -Uh-huh.
(SIGHS)
Say there was a situation where private equity
was trying to buy out a major media company
and install a new CEO.
-How would they view me? -Are you serious?
Fuck. So what, they're co-investors?
Come on, you know those guys.
Behind closed doors, are they of the opinion
I'm, uh, the real deal, or, uh, in training?
And would there be room to wet the beak of an old pal
in such a situation?
Frank, too soon. Too soon. Get your hard-on out of my soup.
Okay.
-So? -Well. ..
I think they have a lot of time for you,
but there may be certain questions.
Shit.
Well, you know they think they're hot shots.
They make hard jokes.
As in?
Well, sometimes when you were absent
they used to refer to you as "the calamari cock ring."
I don't even know what that means.
I think it means they think of me as a cock ring
made from calamari, Frank.
It's pretty self-explanatory.
So what do we say?
Well, lthought we were gonna say "illness."
No, I don't like illness. Plays weak.
Okay, we can say "busy."
What prick's too busy to attend his own daughter's wedding?
Okay, "family rift."
But we background brief that, um, Gil's campaign is like a cult.
"What is this grieving senator's mysterious hold on Shiv Roy?"
We sprinkle some of that.
It makes her look weak. And it makes me look like I'm...
None of my kids have gone round the bend,
or offed themselves.
We've always pushed that you're a good dad.
-Because? -Because you are a good dad.
Huh.
So, if you don't want to say, I mean,
work or illness or rift, do we just...
Fuck it. There's no way out.
-I mean, if you want to go... -I don't want to go.
But there's no other fucking way out.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
Well, we can do whatever you want us to do,
and I'm... I'm so sorry if you think we've done the wrong thing,
but they literally just called and told us he was coming.
-Who's coming? -Dad. And Marcia.
-Wait... Dad's coming here? -Yeah.
-I thought you didn't want him to. -I don't.
I mean, it's your wedding, so...
Yeah. I don't want him here. He's never apologized.
But Marcia called Tom, and...
And obviously I had to ask Shiv.
Yeah. Meanwhile, she's already called Charlotte,
-and they're on their way. -Dad's coming?
Is it about the launch? Is he concerned?
Yeah, I'm sure he's thinking about that 24/7.
So, uh, I mean, what are you gonna do?
-You could just say no. -Yeah. I could.
But what, just get security to fucking stop him?
-Oh, hold on. -No, I could do that.
Yeah, you could, but it might cause a funny atmosphere,
because he did pay... You know, he did pay for all this. He's paid.
Okay, if he's got the stones to walk in here, what are we gonna do?
Put the dogs on him? Tell him there's no seat, he's gotta stand?
Like, he's given us no choice.
So, now I hear he is coming.
-Yeah. -CAROL NE: Well, that's wonderful.
-Oh, come on, Mom. -No, no. It's fine.
I just hope you won't forget about me, when your father arrives
with the head of his Middle Eastern operations.
-Marcia? -Yeah, Marcia.
Do you still find her a bit... You know...
(SIGHS) Actually, we became quite close during Dad's illness.
Oh, well.
What a sweet little scene that must've been.
Very touching, I'm sure.
-Actually, it's quite good. -SHIV: Why?
Just you're being the second-most important person at your wedding.
Take the pressure off.
-(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) -(LIVELY CHATTER)
Mmm. This is delicious.
Well, I'm very glad you like it.
Because it cost a pretty penny.
Well, it's delicious. It tastes like it.
(LAUGHTER)
-(CLEARS THROAT) Sorry. Just a second? -Oh, no. Of course.
-Hi. Excuse me. -Hi there.
Um...
Got any protein for us to use?
Uh, protein? I'm not a fucking hen to lay you eggs.
-l'm a strategist. -I know. lt'sjust... Gil.
-What? -Uh, he'd like a word.
Okay.
-Hey. Hey! -MAN: Hey. How ya doing?
-Good. -I gotta say,
you knocked it out of the park with the wine.
-Didn't we? -lt's delicious.
Gil.
Listen, I don't mean to be overly dramatic,
but I was assured when I accepted that your father wouldn't be here.
I know. Plans changed, I was ambushed.
This is not okay from my POV, Siobhan.
This compromises me.
I mean... And you were very eager that Gil would come along.
I mean, that's...
Well, yeah, when I invited you
I didn't realize it was gonna be a chore.
He'sjust weighty, Shiv. He carries his gravity.
He's not a man, he's a fucking planet.
Look, there's no press, and there's no pictures.
We gotjammers and a, you know, a fucking hawk to take out drones.
It'll be like it never happened.
I hear you might have something explosive I can use.
Yeah, maybe. I'm working on it. But just not yet.
Let's destroy ATN, Shiv.
Wouldn't that be a nice wedding gift to the American people?
Oh, yeah, sure, I'm just concerned about collateral damage.
-Tom. -Tom? He'll be fine.
Says the man who has literally no idea what he's even talking about.
Shiv, come on.
l have all the arguments on monopolies, and news
and the coarsening of the public sphere,
but I kind of start falling asleep when I hear myself talk.
Give me something salty, Shiv.
Get me a stick of dynamite I can shove up his fucking ass!
Okay, I get that.
-Come here. You know Gil. -Yeah, sure.
Pleased to meet you, Senator Eavis.
Likewise.
How are you finding it outside the evil empire?
Oh, fine. I'm fine, thank you.
And how do you like it here in the lion's den?
I've been to zoos before.
You like drinking our champagne?
I'm a "champagne for all" guy, not a "gruel for all" guy.
-Hey, uh, you know Senator Eavis. -ROMAN: Mmm-hmm.
Sword of the dispossessed and lover of vintage champagne.
I guess, technically, I should take a swing at you.
Technically, I should call you libelous scum.
Are you gonna calm the shit-talk down,
or are we gonna have to ramp things up?
Is your dad gonna stop poisoning the discourse of our great republic?
Have you got a laptop?
Do you see the shit out there? We're the fucking good guys now.
(SCOFFS)
Join in, by the way. Feel free.
No?
Shiv? I mean, your guy here is shit-talking our company.
Yeah, we don't talk about that.
That would be a conflict of interest.
Oh, lies!
Oh! 'Cause you... Yeah, the lies.
Can't wait for the big one tomorrow. Right?
Well, these hands aren't gonna fuck themselves, so...
Nice to meet you, Senator Beavis.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
-Congratulations. -Thanks.
-Nice to finally meet you. -Tom Wamsgans.
Obviously. Nate.
Uh-huh. Right. Right.
Hi. Well, I've heard very little about you.
What can I say? (CHUCKLES) Best man won.
(CHUCKLES)
-As in? -The... You won the Shiv-off, pal.
Good luck.
Right. And... And who are you again?
Nate Sofrelli.
Did she never... This is embarrassing.
-Are... Are you a pal of Kendall's? -Yes.
-Okay. Ah. Okay. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Shiv and , back in ancient history, we...
Oh, right. Oh. Oh, I see.
Oh, okay, okay, maybe she did.
-Right. -Maybe she did.
Ah, the best man won.
Maybe.
There was an uncle who ended up living in Gibraltar with a monkey,
and he swindled my mom's grandpa.
We used to come here as kids. She lives nearby.
Very good. Keep the wound fresh and all that.
You know what, I'm gonna split.
I can see my husband-to-be talking to my ex,
and it's making me feel like I want to hurl.
-So, great to meet you. -Yeah, fair. You too.
Enjoy. Have a good night.
Just to say...
So kind of your parents to have paid for all this delicious wine.
Oh, not at all, not at all.
They wanted to make a contribution, so...
So clever the way they're letting every single person know.
Oh. Oh, good...
You okay?
Yeah, I think ljust got stabbed by your mom,
but I'm not... not completely sure.
Oh, yeah, that's how it works.
You'll bleed out in about an hour.
Can I... Can I talk to you for two seconds?
Uh, yeah.
TOM: Just...
So ljust wanted to get you up here to talk about the, uh, table plans.
Oh, and have you thought any more about, ow,
whether you want to tell me about the secret thing?
And ljust wanted to, uh, say that l, uh, ldid meet Nate.
Oh, you...
You've met Nate before. I think.
No?
Huh. Uh...
Oh, well, he's a... you know, he's a good colleague,
and, uh, you know, he's a friend of Kendall's.
They ran around in Shanghai together.
And he's a dick.
Uh, well, he's okay, but he has a certain dickish quality about him.
I think I've mentioned him to you before.
Look, Shiv, uh...
Is this real?
What do you... What do you mean?
Am I a total jerk?
Uh...
Do you... Do you really want to do this? 'Cause we don't have to.
Do this?
-All the people are here. -Yeah.
And, besides, lwant to. I do... I do want to.
I mean, is this...
Wha...
What level are we on? Are you fucking around on me?
-Tom. -Honestly? This Nate...
You know, I can...
I... There are vibes.
Oh. Tom. What, as soon as two colleagues are close...
-D.C. loves gossip. -No, sure.
Sometimes there are rumors,
and people, you know, they're not fucking.
But sometimes they totally are.
Honestly?
(SIGHS)
This is real.
I'm not fucking around on you.
Well, I trust you.
Good.
Thank you.
And that puts my mind at rest, so...
You know, when...
when we met, lwas in such a mess.
I need you.
Hmm?
I do.
If you want to know about the secret stuff,
the cruise line stuff, I'll tell you.
Because we have to be able to trust. Right?
-Yeah? -Yeah, that'd be great.
(SNORTING)
-Hey, hey, how ya doing? -Hi.
-Where are the kids? -They're upstairs. (CHUCKLES)
-Cool. -They're, uh, sleeping.
-Yeah, right. -I saw Shiv.
-How are the happy couple? Okay? -Oh, yeah.
Good. You know, uh, maintaining the veneer.
Mmm-hmm. You okay?
I'm fantastic. ldid, like, uh,
one hundred and twenty push-ups this morning, so, I think I'm okay.
Wow. You did 120 push-ups.
Rava, ljust have a lot going on right now.
Uh-huh.
It's not one of your more relaxing interludes?
Yeah. It's not.
I'm a big fucking stress knot. What can I tell you?
I probably have a tumor eating me inside-out.
You want another drink?
Your lawyers have gotten a little quiet on me,
so I'm just wondering if that's...
Oh, yeah, I don't know about that.
Mmm-hmm. Can you maybe give them a little nudge?
Sure.
I'll give them a nudge.
Ken. Ken.
Hmm?
-I know you. -Oh, yeah, you do?
-Yeah, I know you. -Really.
And if you want to talk, I am here.
Yeah. Well, I'm good.
Mmm.
Yeah, you know what?
The truth is my lawyers are stonewalling,
because, uh, your lawyers are trying to fuck me over.
So, shall we just leave it to them,
and then you and me canjust, uh, flirt
and you can do your whole la-dee—fucking-da smile
and we can just be all chummy and everything,
because I love all that shit?
Have a fucking line if you need one that badly.
Yeah, lwill, okay?
-Fuck you. -Thanks.
Everything isn't what you think. You know?
You can't see inside me just 'cause I've told you the occasional...
Well, well, well. What the fuck's going on here?
This looks, uh, mighty fucking cozy.
Um... (CHUCKLES)
Hi. Hi, Kendall.
-Hi. -We werejust, uh...
Well, we were just saying that I think that the first time I came here
was back when you guys were kids, like,
maybe 1986, I think.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. -Remember that?
Right. Great.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sorry. I'm sorry. I should, uh, circulate.
-Okay. -Al rightie.
-We'll see you later. -Yep.
Well, I'm happy to tell, but, uh, do we have to do it tonight?
You know, 'cause it's about the corporate cover-up of crimes
and institutionalized sexual abuse.
Oh, fuck.
Well, bad for Dad. Great for Gil.
It's not very "weddingy."
Yeah, still...
Okay. So...
(SIGHS)
There were payoffs, there was
legal and semi-illegal intimidation...
And do you personally have plausible deniability?
Yes, I think so. Yeah.
Digital deep-clean, and, uh, I shredded the paper material.
-Great. -An outside team.
And inside, to sign the paper out... Greg.
-Greg. -Yeah.
Just thought family would be safest, and Greg's expendable. You know.
What, you'd kill Greg?
No. But you know, he's family, right?
-So we shut him up. -Yeah, okay, right.
What are you gonna do with this?
'Cause if I give you the details, it could really hurt me, Shiv.
You're not gonna let me get hurt?
No.
I'll need specifics.
Okay. So...
So...
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
Keep him away from me.
Your father's making a subtle entrance, as I see.
Hey.
Come on. Forbidden fruit.
Nate.
Has the chicken laid the egg?
Uh, no. Not yet. Nojoy.
Look at you.
I'm desperate to make you concentrate on nothing but me forjust 15 minutes.
You think used to concentrate on you?
Nate.
(SIGHS)
So, Greg egg.
Oh.
-How long do you give it? -Uh, I'm sorry?
The marriage. How long do you give it?
Oh.
Is there doubt afoot?
I mean, Ifor one think they look solid as a rock.
But there you go, I'm just an old romantic.
Yeah, yeah!
-Here we are. -Thank you.
-Hello. -Hey.
I'm feeling much better.
He's much improved.
Great. Though you weren't actually invited.
Maybe I can get them to make you an omelette and find you a chair.
I think usually the ones who are paying get a chair, no?
Oh, I didn't realize you'd contributed, Marcia.
So rude of me. Thank you.
Let's get to the fucking room, shall we?
How is the big man? Well, well, well. It's good to see you. You good?
All good. Everything is good, acquisition-wise.
All we have to do is shut down
the voice of the fucking people over there.
Oh, there he is. (CHUCKLES)
-Will you excuse me? -Absolutely.
Kendall.
KENDALL: Hey, Dad.
So, what about it, son?
You want to jump out the trenches and play a game of soccer?
Can I bring you some corn to get you through the winter?
How you doing? What's the news?
Oh, keeping busy.
You need a reference for your resume?
"Relatively punctual. Prone to bouts of insubordination."
Yeah, well, you know.
So,
how long are you gonna fuck about on the outside?
Uh-huh.
You, uh... You recruiting?
What, uh, new Head of Being Continually Thwarted?
How would a TV network suit you? Huh?
One of the big guys when I land it. Could that work?
You feeling the heat on your own?
Yeah? A little? You want me back?
Like, to, uh, to put that in a press release?
I'm just a lovely guy.
Can you top me up, please?
So, what was all that about, cocksucker?
Oh, he wasjust, uh, telling me what a sensational job you're doing.
Fuck you.
Did he mention the launch? Does he know that I've accelerated?
(CHUCKLES)
Say something fucking funny?
-Hello. -Oh.
Caroline Collingwood, mother of the bride.
Oh, hi, I'm Stewy.
-So, how long do you give it? -(CHUCKLES) I'd say forever.
Or until Shiv goes away for the week, whichever comes first.
Excuse me.
You beast. (CHUCKLES)
Hi, Mom. I hear you're asking "How long you give it?"
Just a cheeky icebreaker.
Okay, well, it's pretty fucking horrible.
It's not all about you, Shiv. Other people need something to say.
Okay, well, can you ask them about the price of fucking fish instead?
-I like your girlfriend, Ro. -Oh, thank you.
I met her at a sex party where she was giving the groom a blowjob.
(CAROLINE LAUGHS)
-You should marry that one. -Excuse me?
And, Shiv, stop taking everything so seriously.
I'm trying to sparkle.
When people ask me how long I give it, I say forever.
-Okay, well... -It will be forever.
-Well, thank you. -Or it'll feel like forever.
-She says she's being impish. -She's being a stone-cold bitch.
Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)
Uh, hey, you want to meet up later tonight? All together?
-At the place? -SHIV: Yeah.
So, uh...
You talked to the white whale? What'd he have to say?
Nothing. I mean, he's just shoring up his position.
It's not real. He's under pressure.
Mmm. Are you good? No wobbles, right? You okay?
I'm not gonna get, uh, coldcocked here, am I?
'Cause I heard from Frank
the Canadians might not be too keen on me.
You talked to the fucking grandfather clock?
Has he signed anything?
No, that would just be rude.
I mean, he... he...
he used to give me flying lessons in his fucking Cessna.
Come on, man. (CHUCKLES)
You're not a little prince anymore.
Don't rely on Sir Talky of Fuckchester, please.
He's good, Stewy.
GIL: Are we working upstate, or...
Ah!
Mr. Fuckhead, I presume.
Logan Roy, Logan Roy, Logan Roy.
Are we allowed to talk?
I've nothing but admiration for you, personally, Mr. Roy.
LOGAN: Oh, really?
It's the sort of thing you say, isn't it? (CHUCKLES)
Ooh, classy. (CHUCKLES)
So, what is it you've got against me?
You're the one making it personal.
I'm just trying to do myjob, think of everyone, not just myself.
The interest of each is the good of all.
That is the whole of the law.
You don't need to remind me of my Adam Smith.
-I taught economics. -Where? Kindergarten?
"to each according to his need"?
What about, and this isn't me talking,
but what about me, Mr. Fucking Ability,
busting my chops in my auto shop
so that some needy fuck from the projects
can jack off on my time?
That's the issue, I'm afraid.
GIL: Well, lfind that a very reductive view of human nature.
LOGAN: Well, I didn't make human nature,
but I do know what they read and what they watch.
I make my nut off what people really want.
Don't tell me about people.
I'd go flat broke in a week if I didn't.
MARCIA: Nice to meet you, Senator.
GIL: Yeah.
SHIV: Sleep well, Dad.
-MARCIA: Night. -(SIGHS) Thank you.
Might be your last good one for a decade or so. (SIGHS)
LOGAN: Hmm?
The cruise situation.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, sure. Well, you might soon. Unless...
(LOGAN SIGHS)
You could afford to be un petit peu plus agréable, Siobhan.
You don't understand, Marcia.
Well, I know when see a spoiled slut.
Excuse me?
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
What the fuck? Who are you?
Apart... I mean, apart from a machine for gathering power?
You don't know how vulnerable a human being can be.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Have you ever had a fucking grapefruit without an agenda?
He made you a playground, and you think it's a whole world.
Well... (SPEAKS FRENCH)
Go out and see how you like it.
Fuck off.
Well, you two seem to be the best of friends.
Don't.
Aw, come on. It's okay.
Hey, Pinky.
Someone will be in touch.
Great.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
You know, you're fucking great.
Thank you!
You're not a head fuck. Or a bitch or a leech.
You say such pretty things.
You never once asked to stay over,
or how it works with my dad, or the trust,
or what my stake is, you know?
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'm just pathologically incurious.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What if I was prepared to marry you?
-Hello. -Hiya.
(TABITHA LAUGHING)
Right. -What?
Shiv's getting married, Kendall got married...
Ah, I see. So, how about you come down off of Mt. Olympus
and propose to a mere mortal?
Yeah, what if?
-No. -No?
-Crazy. -Why is this crazy?
Because this isn't... this isn't a normal relationship.
VVhy?
Well, um, for one thing, we never fuck.
Oh, yeah, we do.
-No, we don't. -Yeah, come on.
Yeah, we do. We've been busy, that's all.
No, you, like, kind ofjerked off near me, once.
There's no need to be disgusting.
I mean, to be honest, Roman, (LAUGHS) I've had more sexual contact
-with the groom than I have with you. -Oh.
I asked you not to talk about that.
I've slept with a lot of guys, Roman Roy,
and if that is gonna be a problem, you better say.
It's not gonna be a problem. It's Tom's.
I don't wanna talk about it. You want to get married?
Babe.
Do you think this is the way to get someone to stay?
SHIV: Hey, hey, Gerri.
Thank you for meeting me here.
Uh-huh. What is this?
Uh, just a chat.
Right. It's your wedding,
why do I feel like I'm about to get fucked?
(CHUCKLES) Okay, it's late. Uh, here's the situation.
I know all about the cruise division horror show.
And the cover-up.
And Gil wants to go to town on you, but maybe I can get him to hold off,
if ATN stops the personal stuff. Gil's wife.
You want us to stop attacking him?
Poor little fragile presidential candidate.
No, keep attacking him all through the primaries,
fire up our base, and then just back off for the general.
They're journalists, Shiv, not remote-controlled little...
Yeah, sure they are. I just feel confident that, you know,
a little public comment or two from my dad, an email,
and the minions realign pretty quick.
(SCOFFS)
So, uh, you are, um... (CLEARS THROAT)
-Just to be clear... -Oh, yeah. No, I'm bullying you.
Yes. I'm blackmailing you.
I'm threatening to destroy my father. However you want to put it.
-And you're happy with that? -Oh, come on, it is what it is.
You used to be such a nice girl.
(SHIV SCOFFS)
-And Tom needs to be clean. -(SCOFFS)
Move him on, move him up, maybe abroad.
With clean hands.
You're very pushy, missy.
Thank you, fairy godmother.
(SIGHS) And if I was authorized to accept,
can you get Mr. Smith to fuck off back to Washington
and not pull down his pants to show off his amazing morals?
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can persuade him that a dirty LBJ
gets more done than a clean McGovern.
(SIGHS)
Okay, well, good night.
Hey.
Uh, no marriage advice from my dear old godmother?
I don't know. I was never very good at all that.
My husband died.
"Don't let him die"?
Okay, what is this? I was in the middle of a conversation.
Dude, I am super-sorry. Jess, could you give us a second?
No. Stew? Seriously.
Ken, Igot... Igot Sandy on the line.
Sandy?
-Fuck. -What is it?
He can tell you.
Uh, you can say, Stew. What's with the theatrics?
WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Can you hold for Mr. Furness?
STEWART: He was just there. Where'd he go?
You're not gonna say? Seriously?
Is this the coldcock?
I think it'S just best that he tell you. That's all.
(SIGHS) You're such a pussy.
Is... IS... Is this, uh, Canadian shit?
Um...
It's about that bear hug letter.
-Starting the takeover. -Okay.
An acceleration.
-No, no, no. No, no, no. Fuck off. -This weekend.
-Hello, Sandy? -At my sister's wedding?
Are you insane?
What do you want this to be, one wedding and four fucking funerals?
-SANDY: Hello? -Okay.
Hi. Yeah, he told me already.
No, absolutely not, no way, no. No! Fuck this!
Listen. But you told Frank Vernon.
That has... I hinted.
We ’ve been contacted by a reporter, and they know something's cooking.
We have to go tomorrow or risk a leak, which kills us.
No. We're all together, okay?
This is... This is not a good time.
Well, it really is a good time.
Your dad's out of the loop in the UK. We catch him off-guard.
(SIGHS)
No.
(STAMMERING) I... I need to, uh, you know,
prepare.
Uh, I... I...
Sandy, I need prep time. Okay? For the approach.
You can 't make an omelet without breaking some dicks.
Look, I'm sorry. Okay?
We 'll be in touch with the letter,
and let's close-coordinate on the minute it's presented.
Okay? Thanks, kid.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
Motherfucker.
(ROMAN HUMMING)
-Hey. How you doing? -ROMAN AND KENDALL: Hey.
Where's Con?
KENDALL: Uh... ROMAN: Did...
-KENDALL: Con? Was he invited? -Did you tell him?
-No. -ROMAN: Oh.
Come on. What?
You want me to get him? I told Willa.
Uh...
My...
Fucking hell!
Why did you get in the boat?
No, I'm good. I got shit to do.
ROMAN: What? Why did you... Why are we here?
I thought this was for old times.
Uh... (SIGHS)
No?
What about you, you wanna smoke my J?
No, I got Shit to do too. A lot cooking.
What the fuck! Really?
All right, one hit.
There we go, motherfucker. Ooh. Steal it.
(SHIV CHUCKLING)
Diss.
-Intercepted. -Old times.
So, listen, guys, um...
I do have something I need to tell you. Um...
I was at Mom's earlier,
she had me going through, like, her papers and stuff,
sorting through some shit,
and, uh, it turns out, uh, Shiv,
you're adopted.
And, Ken? You're adopted.
And Connor is obviously adopted.
And so all that Shit's coming to me, so you can fuck off.
SHIV: I'm sorry. I don't know why I asked you down here.
ROMAN: (CHUCKLES) No, it's good.
Congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
Thanks.
It's gotta not be so easy for you
to be on the outside, seeing me do big shit.
-Yeah. -Big of you. Thank you.
KENDALL: Yeah, well...
Uh...
Can I suggest a hug?
-You serious? -What is it... What?
-Yeah. I'm serious. -Why?
Just, come on. Bring it in.
-You know you want to. -I'm going butt first.
Here I come.
-Here we all are! -(KENDALL GRUNTS)
(SHIV LAUGHS)
ROMAN: Ow! lthink I cut the nipple right off!
(LAUGHTER)
(SIGHS)
I don't know. I mean, like, I think I owe it to him,
but I don't want to be the one to tell him.
You know?
I mean, like, what if he finds out that I knew?
Like, I either...
I either owe it to tell him... Owe it to him to tell him,
or I don't owe it to him to totally not tell him.
I think tell him.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Maybe don't.
I don't fucking know.
(KEYBOARD CLACKING)
KENDALL: Right.
Well, no, we can't do that, because that'll trigger the disclosure...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SHEEP BLEATING)
GREG: Oh, shit. That's him. Wait. Stop. Stop.
Great night. Thanks for the ride.
-Hey, Tom! -TOM: Hey, hey! See you.
GREG: Hey, wait up! TOM: Morning, Greg!
(TOM CHUCKLES)
Look, Tom, uh...
I... I... I, uh, didn't know...
-(S GHS) -Like, exactly how to tell you this,
and I've been up all night trying to think exactly how to broach...
So I want to just say that... that...
I think that Shiv is...
No.
I think she's having an affair.
No. You're wrong.
No, I mean, not...
Shut up, Greg. Shut up.
No, because I...
-You are. You're wrong. -Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong.
You are wrong, so we're all good.
-Okay, good. -Okay? So, good.
Thank you for your time.
-Yeah. And you don't want to hear... -All right.
I don't want to hear anything, Greg,
'cause it was a misunderstanding.
-I saw what I saw... -Shut up.
ljust said Shut up. Shut the fuck up.
All right, but I think you should know...
No. Shut the fuck up, Greg.
-I'm trying to help you. -Shut up, will you?
-Fucking shut up. -Dude! What the hell?
I told you to fucking shut up, will you?
(GRUNTING)
Get off of me.
-Just Shut up. -What the fuck, man?
-Yeah, I... -Shut up!
(PANTING)
You know, I was quite outraged when she suggested this.
I don't like being outside the US. for too long.
Doesn't sit well.
And there's a mercilessness I miss.
I'm not used to these squalid little deals.
Yeah, living with the safety catch off,
fucking without a rubber.
Everywhere else feels so soft.
I mean, look at this fucking place.
(SIGHS) Yeah, well, it's... it's all quite refined.
LOGAN: Refined? (SCOFFS) Slaves. Cotton and sugar.
This country's nothing but an off-shore laundry
for turning evil into hard currency.
(LAUGHS)
Is this where you tell me you're working for the communists?
And now itjust lies here, you know,
living off its capital, sucking in immigrants
to turn it and stop it getting bed sores.
I was looking foward to taking you down.
You've got a very persuasive daughter.
But doesn't a deal feel so much better?
Handshake?
I don't think either of us want to get dirty, do we?
Yeah.
(LIVELY CHATTER)
STEWART: You wanna game it?
KENDALL: Sure.
Deliver the letter, he calls emergency board...
We go public, world blows up.
The arbs dive in, he tells the world some, uh, fairy tales,
talks poison pill, other defenses,
board says, "Hang on, we don't want to get sued."
Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
Dad says, "Fuck the shareholders,"
calls us, tells us to fuck off.
He's a good man, Pinky.
He's a good man.
Price rockets, because everyone knows we're gonna win.
STEWART: You think there's a chance he'll just do a deal?
Have you met my dad?
Nope. He'll never retreat.
It'll be hostile, hostile, hostile.
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)