1
00:01:03,488 --> 00:01:05,125
Hello, everybody!

2
00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:06,893
Hello. Greetings. Thank you.

3
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,829
Hi, there.

4
00:01:09,896 --> 00:01:12,164
Hello! Hello!

5
00:01:13,566 --> 00:01:16,236
Thank you so much. Thank you.

6
00:01:16,301 --> 00:01:18,905
Thank you so much. Thank you,
thank you, thank you.

7
00:01:18,972 --> 00:01:21,174
And welcome to The Grand Tour,

8
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,676
which, once again, is in Whitby.

9
00:01:28,647 --> 00:01:30,615
There is actually
a very good reason for that.

10
00:01:30,682 --> 00:01:34,287
It is because these two
last week blew up my house,

11
00:01:34,353 --> 00:01:36,923
and I literally have
nowhere else to go.

12
00:01:36,990 --> 00:01:38,123
Yeah.

13
00:01:38,191 --> 00:01:40,692
Plus... Plus, James May
lost the tent bag.

14
00:01:40,759 --> 00:01:42,162
- Soz.
- Yeah, he did.

15
00:01:42,228 --> 00:01:44,965
He did do that.
Anyway, erm...

16
00:01:45,031 --> 00:01:48,367
we were reminiscing,
as we've been here all week,

17
00:01:48,433 --> 00:01:52,037
and we worked out that Yorkshire
is the only place on earth

18
00:01:52,104 --> 00:01:55,775
where all three of us
have had a car crash.

19
00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:57,978
So what was yours?

20
00:01:58,043 --> 00:02:00,280
A Triumph 2500 rolled over.

21
00:02:00,346 --> 00:02:02,614
- Yeah. Hammond?
- My first car.

22
00:02:02,682 --> 00:02:04,183
And my second car.

23
00:02:04,250 --> 00:02:07,186
My mum's car, my dad's car,

24
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,888
my third and fourth cars,

25
00:02:08,889 --> 00:02:10,956
my first four motorcycles,

26
00:02:11,024 --> 00:02:12,758
the Radio York radio van,

27
00:02:12,893 --> 00:02:15,161
the Radio Leeds radio car,

28
00:02:15,228 --> 00:02:17,062
and a jet-powered dragster.

29
00:02:17,129 --> 00:02:19,465
Oh, yes.

30
00:02:19,532 --> 00:02:22,034
All of those. Busy.

31
00:02:22,102 --> 00:02:24,937
And, erm... And what about
you in Yorkshire?

32
00:02:25,004 --> 00:02:28,008
Well, me, I'll tell you.
No, 1977,

33
00:02:28,074 --> 00:02:30,075
when the driving examiner
said to me,

34
00:02:30,143 --> 00:02:32,444
"Congratulations,
Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"

35
00:02:32,512 --> 00:02:35,414
what I heard was,
"Congratulations, Mr Clarkson,

36
00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:37,682
you are the best driver
I've ever seen."

37
00:02:37,750 --> 00:02:40,120
- Oh, no.
- 36 hours later -

38
00:02:40,186 --> 00:02:42,722
That's all it was, 36 hours
I'd been on the roads -

39
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:44,123
stuffed my mother's Audi.

40
00:02:44,189 --> 00:02:45,959
Wheels came off, killed a sheep.

41
00:02:47,927 --> 00:02:49,929
So, if you're the farmer,
sorry about that.

42
00:02:49,930 --> 00:02:52,098
Er... Anyway, I'm glad
we're still in Yorkshire,

43
00:02:52,164 --> 00:02:57,069
because last week we said there was no
real motoring connection with the county,

44
00:02:57,137 --> 00:02:59,938
and it turns out
that's not true.

45
00:02:59,939 --> 00:03:02,074
I was reading Trip Advisor
last night.

46
00:03:02,141 --> 00:03:05,578
Now, Trip Advisor is a website for
the mealy-mouthed and the bitter.

47
00:03:05,645 --> 00:03:07,272
Well, hang on.
I mean, it's not entirely...

48
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,814
No, seriously, it's useless
apart from anything else,

49
00:03:09,949 --> 00:03:14,955
because you have to know someone
before their opinion is relevant.

50
00:03:14,987 --> 00:03:16,788
I mean, I know Hammond, OK?

51
00:03:16,855 --> 00:03:19,224
So if he tells me
a restaurant's great,

52
00:03:19,292 --> 00:03:22,027
I know I don't want to go there,
because it'll be rubbish.

53
00:03:22,094 --> 00:03:25,730
You're absolutely right, actually, because
that bloke in the hat over there,

54
00:03:25,798 --> 00:03:29,602
I don't care how many stars he gives
Oxfam Whitby, I'm not going there.

55
00:03:31,972 --> 00:03:33,206
Exactly. Anyway...

56
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,978
I went on Trip Advisor, OK, and
there was a review of Whitby.

57
00:03:39,812 --> 00:03:41,381
And it said,
and I'm quoting here,

58
00:03:41,447 --> 00:03:45,450
"One aspect of Whitby is the
large number of local chavs..."

59
00:03:46,986 --> 00:03:49,288
"...who drive around
the town in a circuit

60
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:52,391
in their
noise-enhanced cars."

61
00:03:52,457 --> 00:03:55,027
Already,
I don't like this person.

62
00:03:55,094 --> 00:03:56,861
"They accelerated
down the narrow streets"

63
00:03:56,997 --> 00:04:01,100
and then slowed their engines down
quickly as they approached a junction,

64
00:04:01,167 --> 00:04:04,336
"causing explosive-sounding
backfiring."

65
00:04:05,737 --> 00:04:07,139
He sounds like a right knob.

66
00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:08,407
Of course he's a right knob,

67
00:04:08,473 --> 00:04:10,810
he's leaving a message
on Trip Advisor.

68
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:14,614
Anyway, the police - the police,
the local police here -

69
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,182
they've decided they've had enough
of people, how they put it,

70
00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:22,221
"...driving away in a manner that causes
their wheels to spin and screech."

71
00:04:22,288 --> 00:04:24,223
OK? So they decided
to have a clampdown.

72
00:04:24,290 --> 00:04:26,492
But,
and this is the quote I love,

73
00:04:26,559 --> 00:04:29,762
"The operation was curtailed
due to poor weather."

74
00:04:32,165 --> 00:04:33,499
What, are they saying...

75
00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:35,634
They didn't go out
because it was raining?

76
00:04:35,701 --> 00:04:38,637
No, law enforcement
in Whitby is like cricket.

77
00:04:38,704 --> 00:04:41,040
Everybody just goes inside
if it starts to drizzle.

78
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,543
So this is... This is the Whitby Town
Police we are talking about here?

79
00:04:44,610 --> 00:04:46,545
- Yeah, the WTPD.
- Yeah.

80
00:04:48,048 --> 00:04:50,716
No, hang on a minute, this is
North Yorkshire. It's NYPD.

81
00:04:52,252 --> 00:04:54,286
Wow! It actually is!
It's the NYPD!

82
00:04:54,353 --> 00:04:57,055
That would be
a brilliant police drama.

83
00:04:57,057 --> 00:04:58,490
"Right, Constable,"

84
00:04:58,557 --> 00:05:02,427
I've had the Chief Constable,
he's chewed my arse,

85
00:05:02,495 --> 00:05:05,430
"the Mayor's chewed his arse,
now we'll chew your arse."

86
00:05:06,466 --> 00:05:08,300
"We've got these lads -
well, chavs -

87
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:10,370
"that are doing,
like, wheel screeches,

88
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:14,673
and you've got 48 hours to solve it, or
I'll have your badge and your truncheon."

89
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:19,512
Anyway,
on our car show tonight...

90
00:05:20,413 --> 00:05:22,481
a tree falls over...

91
00:05:24,149 --> 00:05:26,252
...a hedgehog
makes a noise...

92
00:05:27,987 --> 00:05:29,721
...and a dog eats some meat.

93
00:05:31,824 --> 00:05:33,593
But we begin with Porsche.

94
00:05:33,658 --> 00:05:37,829
They offer an immense and immensely
complicated range of cars

95
00:05:37,896 --> 00:05:40,100
all under the 911 banner.

96
00:05:40,165 --> 00:05:44,237
Now, Porsche enthusiasts, by which
I mean these two imbeciles,

97
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:46,805
say that they're all
slightly different.

98
00:05:46,872 --> 00:05:48,240
Completely different.

99
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,875
No, slightly different,

100
00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:53,778
and that the best of the bunch
is something called the GT3 RS.

101
00:05:53,846 --> 00:05:58,317
So I thought I'd take it to our
track to see what it was like.

102
00:05:58,384 --> 00:06:01,120
And let's just hope that,
for once in your life,

103
00:06:01,187 --> 00:06:02,822
you haven't
behaved like a child.

104
00:06:02,887 --> 00:06:06,992
What do you mean? - Well, just said
it's no good because I've got one.

105
00:06:07,127 --> 00:06:12,497
Hammond, I am a professional motoring
journalist, and coming up...

106
00:06:15,201 --> 00:06:16,369
Amongst other things.

107
00:06:16,435 --> 00:06:19,872
Coming up now
is my professional review.

108
00:06:24,310 --> 00:06:26,512
This is the car in question.

109
00:06:28,247 --> 00:06:31,149
No, wait. Sorry. Hang on.

110
00:06:31,151 --> 00:06:33,052
It's easy to be confused.

111
00:06:33,153 --> 00:06:34,286
This is it.

112
00:06:38,358 --> 00:06:40,526
The hottest, hardest,

113
00:06:40,593 --> 00:06:43,329
tightest 911 of them all...

114
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:46,566
...and the most exotic.

115
00:06:58,177 --> 00:07:02,581
It has the fattest back tyres
I've ever seen on a road car.

116
00:07:02,648 --> 00:07:05,317
It has scaffolding
in the back for stiffness,

117
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,952
carbon-fibre body panels
for lightness.

118
00:07:08,019 --> 00:07:10,490
The roof is made from magnesium,

119
00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:13,192
so if you turn it over
and there are sparks,

120
00:07:13,192 --> 00:07:15,528
there will be
a blinding flash of light,

121
00:07:15,595 --> 00:07:17,497
and then you will have
a convertible.

122
00:07:27,005 --> 00:07:31,511
Like many people, I don't really
like the idea of the Porsche 911,

123
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,646
and I certainly don't like
the people who drive them.

124
00:07:34,713 --> 00:07:39,384
I find them flawed, in some
dark and rather disgusting way.

125
00:07:39,451 --> 00:07:41,221
But I will grudgingly admit

126
00:07:41,286 --> 00:07:44,290
that even the basic
cooking models are...

127
00:07:44,356 --> 00:07:46,658
extremely lovely to drive.

128
00:07:46,725 --> 00:07:47,726
They're...

129
00:07:47,793 --> 00:07:50,230
They're just very good
sports cars.

130
00:07:52,898 --> 00:07:55,100
But what about this one?

131
00:07:55,235 --> 00:07:56,269
Well...

132
00:07:57,302 --> 00:07:58,903
Let's find out.

133
00:08:05,310 --> 00:08:08,112
Straight away,
I can tell you the engine...

134
00:08:08,247 --> 00:08:10,048
is incredible.

135
00:08:12,552 --> 00:08:13,853
There's no turbocharging.

136
00:08:13,918 --> 00:08:18,790
It's just a four litre
flat-six, but...

137
00:08:18,858 --> 00:08:21,261
you get 500 horsepower.

138
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:26,031
And its red line at 9,000rpm.

139
00:08:32,272 --> 00:08:34,072
9,000!

140
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:35,774
That's bike territory.

141
00:08:37,809 --> 00:08:42,548
But the best thing is the way
it goes round corners.

142
00:08:42,615 --> 00:08:45,317
Because it's got
four-wheel steering,

143
00:08:45,384 --> 00:08:49,955
and because the engine is sitting
right over the rear axle,

144
00:08:50,022 --> 00:08:53,359
the grip is just astonishing.

145
00:08:58,563 --> 00:09:00,799
I've engaged all
the hero buttons down here,

146
00:09:00,865 --> 00:09:05,104
turned all the electronic
driver aids off,

147
00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:08,673
and let see if I can unstick it.

148
00:09:08,740 --> 00:09:13,144
In here far too fast
into Swindon Swings.

149
00:09:16,148 --> 00:09:18,551
Not "Swings," that's something
completely different.

150
00:09:18,618 --> 00:09:21,886
But, anyway,
no loss of traction at all.

151
00:09:24,889 --> 00:09:27,960
I thought, when I read
the spec sheet on the RS,

152
00:09:28,027 --> 00:09:31,331
that Porsche
had tried to make a supercar,

153
00:09:31,397 --> 00:09:35,967
a rival for Ferrari and McLaren and
Lamborghini, but they haven't.

154
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,870
It's still a sports car.

155
00:09:37,937 --> 00:09:40,340
It's still chuckable and deft.

156
00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,980
Whoa! It's very, very good.

157
00:09:49,048 --> 00:09:50,350
Annoyingly.

158
00:09:56,489 --> 00:09:59,759
But... is it as good as this,

159
00:09:59,825 --> 00:10:02,727
the BMW M4 GTS?

160
00:10:02,794 --> 00:10:08,333
Like the Porsche, it's made from
exotic lightweight materials...

161
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:12,171
and fitted with scaffolding
instead of back seats,

162
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:13,873
and enormous tyres.

163
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:17,743
It looks good.

164
00:10:17,809 --> 00:10:19,678
But there are some problems.

165
00:10:21,212 --> 00:10:24,283
When you arrive at a small
speed hump in the Porsche,

166
00:10:24,350 --> 00:10:27,753
you raise its nose
electrically and all is well.

167
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:32,658
But when you arrive at
the same hump in the BMW...

168
00:10:34,394 --> 00:10:37,496
you will need a team of men
to fold away the spoiler

169
00:10:37,562 --> 00:10:40,264
and adjust the ride height.

170
00:10:40,331 --> 00:10:42,000
This takes several hours.

171
00:10:44,803 --> 00:10:46,938
There are some other issues
as well.

172
00:10:48,707 --> 00:10:52,544
To give owners the sense
they're driving a racing car,

173
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:55,548
all of the storage bins
have been removed.

174
00:10:55,615 --> 00:10:58,518
There's no cubbyhole here,
no door pockets.

175
00:10:58,584 --> 00:11:00,753
That means there's
nowhere to put anything.

176
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:04,990
And I think that, on a day-to-day
basis, that would drive you a bit mad.

177
00:11:08,860 --> 00:11:11,931
Then there's the ride,
which is extremely bumpy,

178
00:11:11,996 --> 00:11:15,600
and the drone from the tyres,
which is horrendous.

179
00:11:18,638 --> 00:11:20,440
After ten minutes on a motorway,

180
00:11:20,472 --> 00:11:21,907
you will have a headache,

181
00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:24,443
and you won't have any
headache pills with you,

182
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:25,956
because there was
nowhere to put them.

183
00:11:27,746 --> 00:11:31,115
Now, at this point, I would
normally use the word "however"

184
00:11:31,182 --> 00:11:34,453
and start talking about
the car's good points.

185
00:11:35,455 --> 00:11:37,255
However...

186
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,491
I can't, because...

187
00:11:41,259 --> 00:11:42,662
I'm struggling to find any.

188
00:11:43,928 --> 00:11:46,731
The engine, for example,
has water injection,

189
00:11:46,798 --> 00:11:49,168
which sounds cool.

190
00:11:49,234 --> 00:11:52,904
But it means that every third
time you fill the car with fuel,

191
00:11:52,971 --> 00:11:56,642
you have to fill
a water tank in the boot.

192
00:11:56,709 --> 00:12:02,648
I don't know, but I'm not
sure this is very hi-tech.

193
00:12:05,717 --> 00:12:08,821
And then there's the steering,
which in comfort mode is horrid,

194
00:12:08,888 --> 00:12:11,990
and in sport setting
is even more horrid.

195
00:12:13,057 --> 00:12:15,860
That said,
the steering wheel is nice.

196
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:17,962
It's good and thick. It's...

197
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:21,667
It's like holding onto something
from the Ron Jeremy range.

198
00:12:21,734 --> 00:12:23,602
And the seats aren't bad.

199
00:12:23,668 --> 00:12:24,803
But other than that...

200
00:12:26,404 --> 00:12:27,639
No.

201
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:30,509
A point that becomes
even more obvious

202
00:12:30,576 --> 00:12:33,044
when you go into battle
against the Porsche.

203
00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:41,854
We both have
around 500 horsepower,

204
00:12:41,921 --> 00:12:44,789
both have a top speed
of around 190,

205
00:12:44,856 --> 00:12:48,226
but the Porsche
is a lot lighter.

206
00:12:50,529 --> 00:12:53,832
Probably because it doesn't have a
tank full of water in the boot.

207
00:13:02,542 --> 00:13:04,143
Struggling to keep up now.

208
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,581
Here we go, into Swindon.

209
00:13:08,648 --> 00:13:10,582
Oh, "Springs"!

210
00:13:10,649 --> 00:13:12,652
A pampas grass shop.

211
00:13:12,717 --> 00:13:15,187
Oh! We're having...
God, that's nasty.

212
00:13:17,255 --> 00:13:19,991
This is not a car
that responds well

213
00:13:20,058 --> 00:13:23,261
to my rather brutal
driving style.

214
00:13:25,129 --> 00:13:26,698
The problem is...

215
00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:30,635
it doesn't really respond very
well to delicacy, either.

216
00:13:34,807 --> 00:13:38,576
This competition here now
between these two cars

217
00:13:38,577 --> 00:13:42,615
is like a boxing match
between an actual boxer

218
00:13:42,682 --> 00:13:44,950
and someone
who thinks they're a boxer

219
00:13:45,017 --> 00:13:47,186
because they're wearing
satin shorts.

220
00:14:11,677 --> 00:14:16,615
How did BMW get
this thing so wrong?

221
00:14:16,649 --> 00:14:17,850
Oh, God!

222
00:14:19,985 --> 00:14:23,722
It's twitchy,
it's unpredictable.

223
00:14:23,788 --> 00:14:25,024
And in the rain,

224
00:14:25,090 --> 00:14:28,661
it's somewhere between
spiteful and undrive...

225
00:14:28,727 --> 00:14:30,663
Oh, God! ...undriveable.

226
00:14:37,302 --> 00:14:41,240
But, that said, this has to
be the winner of this test

227
00:14:41,306 --> 00:14:43,274
because Richard Hammond...

228
00:14:44,677 --> 00:14:46,144
...has got one of those.

229
00:14:52,551 --> 00:14:53,852
I called it.

230
00:14:54,854 --> 00:14:56,421
That was annoying.

231
00:14:56,488 --> 00:14:58,356
That was a professional review.

232
00:14:58,423 --> 00:14:59,692
At points.

233
00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:01,159
But you were doing so well,

234
00:15:01,225 --> 00:15:02,961
and then you ruined it
at the end.

235
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,089
What do you mean, ruined it?

236
00:15:04,096 --> 00:15:05,664
By saying you'd have a worse car

237
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,365
because I haven't got one.

238
00:15:07,432 --> 00:15:09,969
- That Porsche wounded me.
- Wounded you?

239
00:15:10,034 --> 00:15:13,504
It did wound me, because, you
know, it's got so much grip

240
00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:15,000
that you're sort of
forced into the seat?

241
00:15:15,006 --> 00:15:16,775
And the seat's
got stitching on it

242
00:15:16,841 --> 00:15:18,210
which digs a hole in your back.

243
00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:20,245
I've got a picture
of what it did. Look at this!

244
00:15:20,312 --> 00:15:22,280
That's my back!

245
00:15:22,346 --> 00:15:25,784
Oh, I'm amazed you weren't hospitalised
with that! That's horrific!

246
00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:28,687
- That is a savage wound!
- Mine's never done that to me.

247
00:15:28,754 --> 00:15:32,024
That's cos you're a midget! You
don't reach that high up the seat.

248
00:15:32,091 --> 00:15:34,558
Or maybe you're a freak
and sit in the wrong place.

249
00:15:34,693 --> 00:15:37,028
It's not just the fact
it wounds you.

250
00:15:37,096 --> 00:15:40,231
Also, the Porsche's
more expensive than the BMW.

251
00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:43,701
Yes, but I'd rather spend
?131,000 on the Porsche

252
00:15:43,702 --> 00:15:47,505
than?120,000 on a BMW that's
not very good on the road,

253
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:48,941
not very good on a track,

254
00:15:49,008 --> 00:15:50,875
and no good at all in the rain.

255
00:15:50,942 --> 00:15:52,376
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.

256
00:15:52,443 --> 00:15:53,812
- Hold on.
- What?

257
00:15:53,879 --> 00:15:55,874
I've got to the bottom of
the problem with the BMW.

258
00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:57,581
It's right here in the blurb.

259
00:15:57,716 --> 00:15:59,183
"Developed on
the Nurburgring."

260
00:16:01,052 --> 00:16:02,955
Yeah, and, actually,
speaking of tracks,

261
00:16:03,022 --> 00:16:06,158
it's now time
to hand the M4 over

262
00:16:06,225 --> 00:16:10,495
to a man who thinks that sparkling
water is basically communist.

263
00:16:10,562 --> 00:16:13,097
Yeah, time to give it
to the American.

264
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,369
There he is.

265
00:16:17,436 --> 00:16:19,638
And he's off! No messing.

266
00:16:19,739 --> 00:16:21,340
Parps from the exhaust
on the upshifts

267
00:16:21,405 --> 00:16:23,942
as he attacks
the Isn't Straight.

268
00:16:24,009 --> 00:16:26,245
I wonder if he actually
knows what he's in.

269
00:16:26,311 --> 00:16:27,746
Driving a BMW.

270
00:16:28,980 --> 00:16:30,982
British Motor Works.

271
00:16:31,049 --> 00:16:33,118
So, that's a no, then.

272
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:35,287
OK, continuing up the Isn't.

273
00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,823
They say it's got more power.

274
00:16:40,259 --> 00:16:43,227
Than what, my damn toothbrush?

275
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:44,929
OK.

276
00:16:44,996 --> 00:16:47,899
Right to the end
of the Isn't now,

277
00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:49,533
and into Your Name Here.

278
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,803
Hard on the brakes,
keeping it all in check,

279
00:16:51,870 --> 00:16:56,040
and surely he'll appreciate the turbos
punching him out of the corner.

280
00:16:56,107 --> 00:17:01,113
Turbos on an engine is God's way of telling
you it ain't got enough cylinders.

281
00:17:01,179 --> 00:17:03,849
My mistake.
Right, back up the Isn't.

282
00:17:03,916 --> 00:17:06,018
Really winding up
that straight-six.

283
00:17:06,085 --> 00:17:09,253
I must admit, from
the outside, it sounds good.

284
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,490
And already
he's turning in hard,

285
00:17:11,556 --> 00:17:12,857
round the Unexploded Bomb,

286
00:17:12,924 --> 00:17:16,295
into the narrowness
of Old Lady's House.

287
00:17:16,361 --> 00:17:19,964
Yeah, back on the power for the
bumpy bit towards Sub Station.

288
00:17:20,031 --> 00:17:22,902
Idiotic splitter
in peril over the ruts.

289
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:25,369
Now working
the ceramic brakes hard

290
00:17:25,436 --> 00:17:26,538
for the tight left.

291
00:17:26,605 --> 00:17:29,407
Tickle of power.
There it is.

292
00:17:29,473 --> 00:17:32,111
And left again
into Field Of Sheep.

293
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:35,346
A whiff of oversteer,
and across the line!

294
00:17:37,582 --> 00:17:39,084
It looked tidy.

295
00:17:39,151 --> 00:17:40,519
Yeah, it looked all right.

296
00:17:40,585 --> 00:17:41,886
It looked tidy. Right...

297
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:44,288
Let's bring up the er...

298
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:46,258
Let's bring up
the leader board, if we can.

299
00:17:46,325 --> 00:17:50,028
Now, there we are. We've already
had the 911 GT3 RS round.

300
00:17:50,095 --> 00:17:52,030
Wha... And you're
not gonna show the lap?

301
00:17:52,096 --> 00:17:53,357
Nobody's interested
in watching an American

302
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:56,201
being sawn in half
by a glorified Beetle.

303
00:17:56,268 --> 00:17:58,302
It did 1:20.4.

304
00:17:58,369 --> 00:18:00,838
Right, so, now let's see
what the M4 did.

305
00:18:00,839 --> 00:18:04,076
Let's put the time up.
There it is.

306
00:18:05,344 --> 00:18:07,846
Two seconds slower,
and that's a short track.

307
00:18:07,913 --> 00:18:09,914
That's unbelievable.
That's not good, is it?

308
00:18:09,981 --> 00:18:13,885
No. It's only a second
faster than a Porsche 718.

309
00:18:13,952 --> 00:18:16,055
I know.
I mean, I admire BMW

310
00:18:16,121 --> 00:18:18,690
for trying with that car.
I really do.

311
00:18:18,757 --> 00:18:20,759
But, my God,
they've made a hash of it.

312
00:18:20,859 --> 00:18:23,028
In fact, I'm trying
to think of a metaphor

313
00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:26,530
for someone who's really tried
their hardest with something

314
00:18:26,597 --> 00:18:28,232
and it hasn't worked.

315
00:18:34,105 --> 00:18:35,406
No, nothing's coming to mind.

316
00:18:35,473 --> 00:18:37,009
I've got nothing.
I've got nothing.

317
00:18:37,076 --> 00:18:38,176
I've got nothing at all.

318
00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,878
So, let's...
Let's move it on.

319
00:18:39,912 --> 00:18:44,548
It's time for us to make a gentle
left into Conversation Street.

320
00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:54,492
OK. Right, I want to begin
with the new Ford GT.

321
00:18:54,558 --> 00:18:57,229
You've got a picture of it
here. Now, this is...

322
00:18:57,296 --> 00:18:59,530
Well, you remember
the last GT they did.

323
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:03,102
That was just an homage,
really, to the old GT40.

324
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,904
This one, they say, is actually
a racing car on the road.

325
00:19:05,971 --> 00:19:08,707
It's got a twin-turbo,
3.5 litre V6,

326
00:19:08,772 --> 00:19:10,575
seven-speed
flappy-paddle box,

327
00:19:10,642 --> 00:19:12,076
more than 600 horsepower.

328
00:19:12,144 --> 00:19:16,381
The problem is, though, I
can't think of any racing car

329
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,750
that works on the road,
really, ever.

330
00:19:18,817 --> 00:19:20,085
No, they don't.

331
00:19:20,152 --> 00:19:23,087
I mean, the Nissan GTR:
fabulous, fabulous car.

332
00:19:23,154 --> 00:19:26,357
Rubbish.
It's undriveable.

333
00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:27,826
You know,
it's a very good point,

334
00:19:27,926 --> 00:19:29,394
because a racing car on the road

335
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:32,030
is a bit like trying to play
tennis with a cricket bat.

336
00:19:32,096 --> 00:19:33,365
It's technically possible...

337
00:19:33,432 --> 00:19:35,267
Two totally different
disciplines.

338
00:19:35,334 --> 00:19:38,336
The only trouble is, that looks so
good, I do find myself going...

339
00:19:39,570 --> 00:19:42,840
Mm. You erm... You bought
the last GT, didn't you?

340
00:19:42,942 --> 00:19:44,442
Yes.

341
00:19:44,509 --> 00:19:46,677
Thank you for reminding me,
Hammond. Yes, I did.

342
00:19:46,744 --> 00:19:48,272
- Did that go well for you?
- No, it didn't.

343
00:19:48,279 --> 00:19:50,115
- Oh, did it not?
- No, it didn't.

344
00:19:50,182 --> 00:19:52,777
The problem was the insurance company
said it had to have a burglar alarm,

345
00:19:52,784 --> 00:19:57,221
which blew usually when my daughter was
doing the school play and ruined it,

346
00:19:57,288 --> 00:19:58,957
and it had to have a tracker.

347
00:19:58,958 --> 00:20:02,594
And there is nothing on God's earth
more annoying than a tracker.

348
00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:04,689
But I've got a tracker. It doesn't
bother me in the slightest.

349
00:20:04,695 --> 00:20:06,776
No, that's because you'll have
a little special place

350
00:20:06,830 --> 00:20:08,833
on your hall table
with a pencil outline.

351
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:12,037
"I've got my keys and must
remember to take my tracker."

352
00:20:12,104 --> 00:20:13,771
Because you're organised
and I'm not.

353
00:20:13,837 --> 00:20:16,438
One for your tracker, for your keys,
one for your little penknife.

354
00:20:16,474 --> 00:20:18,477
One for some change
in case you need it.

355
00:20:18,542 --> 00:20:21,472
Yeah, with 10ps and 2ps. - And a tiny
screwdriver for mending your glasses.

356
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,382
- He will. Oh, he will.
- No, I won't.

357
00:20:23,448 --> 00:20:25,309
No, it lives in a...
It just has a little pouch.

358
00:20:25,317 --> 00:20:26,477
You just hang it on the hook.

359
00:20:26,484 --> 00:20:28,252
- Oh, does it?
- You've got a pouch?

360
00:20:28,319 --> 00:20:30,422
He's got a pouch
for his tracker.

361
00:20:30,489 --> 00:20:32,156
Especially for the tracker?

362
00:20:32,223 --> 00:20:34,192
- Well, yeah, because...
- What's it made of?

363
00:20:34,259 --> 00:20:36,728
- Well, leather, I suppose.
- A little leather pouch.

364
00:20:36,795 --> 00:20:38,163
Did you make it yourself?

365
00:20:38,230 --> 00:20:39,964
- No, it came...
- A little leather pouch.

366
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,067
It came with the car,
believe it or not.

367
00:20:42,134 --> 00:20:44,103
Oh, so Ferrari sold it to you.

368
00:20:44,169 --> 00:20:46,204
Was it?600?
I bet it was.

369
00:20:46,270 --> 00:20:48,039
No, it just came with the car!

370
00:20:48,106 --> 00:20:49,673
I don't think Ferrari
give it away!

371
00:20:49,740 --> 00:20:51,210
The stripes on your Ferrari, OK?

372
00:20:51,276 --> 00:20:52,876
Two stripes,
a bit like on that Ford.

373
00:20:52,943 --> 00:20:55,384
There are two stripes. How much
did you pay for those stripes?

374
00:20:55,447 --> 00:20:57,882
Well, they were an option.
They were?6,000.

375
00:20:59,451 --> 00:21:03,020
Look. Listen, this is why
I drive a Golf GTI, OK?

376
00:21:03,021 --> 00:21:05,150
Because you don't need an alarm,
you don't need a tracker,

377
00:21:05,156 --> 00:21:09,094
and it's five insurance groups lower
down than the previous Golf GTI level.

378
00:21:09,161 --> 00:21:10,628
- Wow!
- It is!

379
00:21:10,694 --> 00:21:13,265
It's because you can't crash it.

380
00:21:13,332 --> 00:21:16,867
I bet I could.

381
00:21:16,934 --> 00:21:22,574
Anyway, have you two seen those new pedestrian
traffic lights in Trafalgar Square?

382
00:21:22,641 --> 00:21:25,777
Which, if you're watching America,
is in London, which is in Britain.

383
00:21:25,844 --> 00:21:27,479
Are these... Yes.

384
00:21:27,546 --> 00:21:30,848
These are the ones that have got
the two blokes on them, isn't it?

385
00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:32,717
James, don't be sexist!

386
00:21:32,784 --> 00:21:35,054
- Why is that...?
- No, because what if you're a lesbian?

387
00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:37,955
Well, you would put
two women on it.

388
00:21:38,057 --> 00:21:39,790
Well, then
what if you're straight?

389
00:21:39,857 --> 00:21:42,394
- A man and a woman?
- But traffic lights are only this big.

390
00:21:42,461 --> 00:21:44,596
You can't have a man
and a man, a man and a woman,

391
00:21:44,663 --> 00:21:47,298
a man who isn't sure,
and a woman and a woman...

392
00:21:47,365 --> 00:21:51,502
What if... What if you
just want to cross the road?

393
00:21:51,569 --> 00:21:54,838
What... It's like being
in the '70s with you two!

394
00:21:54,905 --> 00:21:59,211
Crossing the road is now an opportunity
for you to express your sexuality.

395
00:21:59,278 --> 00:22:03,248
It is. That's why they've come up
with these traffic lights in London.

396
00:22:03,315 --> 00:22:04,715
What are they for?

397
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:06,585
No, they really have.
They really have.

398
00:22:06,651 --> 00:22:08,619
- They're real?
- They are for real.

399
00:22:08,686 --> 00:22:10,788
What's that one
on the right, then?

400
00:22:10,855 --> 00:22:12,957
Hello! Transgender.

401
00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:16,161
What?
So, hang on, only tran...

402
00:22:16,228 --> 00:22:18,096
- Yeah.
- What?

403
00:22:18,096 --> 00:22:20,231
Transgender traffic lights.

404
00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:22,800
- I didn't know that.
- So only...

405
00:22:22,866 --> 00:22:25,703
Only transgender people
can cross when that's green?

406
00:22:25,769 --> 00:22:27,005
No!

407
00:22:27,105 --> 00:22:28,740
When it goes red, does that mean

408
00:22:28,807 --> 00:22:30,209
it's not OK to be transgender?

409
00:22:30,275 --> 00:22:32,243
That's a good point.

410
00:22:32,310 --> 00:22:33,904
I don't know what happens
when it goes red.

411
00:22:33,912 --> 00:22:36,480
No way they're gonna say,
"It's not a..." I don't know.

412
00:22:36,548 --> 00:22:39,116
And what has any of this got
to do with crossing the road?

413
00:22:39,117 --> 00:22:42,386
That's all you want to do. It's nothing
to do with expressing your sexuality.

414
00:22:42,453 --> 00:22:44,388
It's the wrong time.
I want to cross the road.

415
00:22:44,455 --> 00:22:46,023
All I want to do at that point

416
00:22:46,125 --> 00:22:47,959
is work out how to go
to the other side.

417
00:22:48,026 --> 00:22:49,594
And by that I don't mean...

418
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:52,564
No. I don't...

419
00:22:53,832 --> 00:22:55,134
I mean...

420
00:22:56,567 --> 00:22:58,302
...of the road.

421
00:22:58,369 --> 00:23:00,138
Maybe you're right, it is.

422
00:23:00,172 --> 00:23:02,473
Right, now,
can I talk about Alfa Romeo?

423
00:23:02,540 --> 00:23:04,008
- No.
- Why?

424
00:23:04,143 --> 00:23:05,876
Because we have to
introduce our next film.

425
00:23:05,943 --> 00:23:08,646
Now, as we know, in recent
years the world's carmakers

426
00:23:08,712 --> 00:23:11,415
have made great strides
to make more fuel-efficient

427
00:23:11,482 --> 00:23:14,152
and environmentally-friendly
car engines,

428
00:23:14,153 --> 00:23:15,854
but very little has been
done to make more

429
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:19,157
environmentally-friendly
car bodies and interiors.

430
00:23:19,191 --> 00:23:22,527
Yeah, by and large, they are
still made of steel and plastic,

431
00:23:22,594 --> 00:23:24,729
and that consumes
a huge amount of energy.

432
00:23:24,796 --> 00:23:29,401
So we had an idea. Are there more sustainable
materials that could be used instead?

433
00:23:29,468 --> 00:23:33,337
Well, to find out, each of us
bought a Land Rover Discovery.

434
00:23:33,404 --> 00:23:35,574
We then removed its metal body

435
00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,943
and replaced it with whatever we
thought was the best solution

436
00:23:40,010 --> 00:23:42,213
for the future of the planet.

437
00:23:46,351 --> 00:23:48,452
The meeting point was in Wales,

438
00:23:48,519 --> 00:23:50,888
and I was the first to arrive,

439
00:23:50,954 --> 00:23:53,192
in a car made from mud.

440
00:23:56,961 --> 00:24:00,999
But, sadly, before I had the chance
to tell you anything about it,

441
00:24:01,065 --> 00:24:02,366
Hammond arrived.

442
00:24:09,773 --> 00:24:12,676
Oh, yeah.
Let me talk you through this.

443
00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:16,515
What I've done, I've built
a frame out of hazel,

444
00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:19,250
through which I have weaved
English flowers and shrubs.

445
00:24:19,317 --> 00:24:20,984
It's basically a hedgerow.

446
00:24:21,051 --> 00:24:23,221
Better still, it is growing,
because I've planted them

447
00:24:23,221 --> 00:24:26,557
so it's got compost and soil to
provide the nutrients required

448
00:24:26,625 --> 00:24:28,727
to let my car
flourish and bloom.

449
00:24:28,792 --> 00:24:31,563
You don't... You don't wash
this car, you water it.

450
00:24:31,630 --> 00:24:34,266
It's alive.
It's brilliant, isn't it?

451
00:24:34,333 --> 00:24:36,867
- Clematis?
- No, it's cleared up.

452
00:24:36,934 --> 00:24:40,704
- Have you become a hippie?
- No, but I can feel it starting inside me.

453
00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,240
- What have you done?
- Well...

454
00:24:42,307 --> 00:24:44,308
Sadly, before I could tell him,

455
00:24:44,375 --> 00:24:46,911
Jeremy arrived...
in a snuff movie.

456
00:24:54,853 --> 00:24:58,623
Gentlemen, I can see what's happened.
Wha...

457
00:24:58,690 --> 00:25:03,461
You're speechless, because
all the words in your head

458
00:25:03,528 --> 00:25:07,266
have been sucked out by
the magnetism of my genius.

459
00:25:07,298 --> 00:25:10,734
A car made from bone and skin.

460
00:25:10,801 --> 00:25:13,104
- What bones?
- Animal bones.

461
00:25:13,171 --> 00:25:16,074
Bones are no good for this. You
can't use bones to make cars.

462
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:19,678
Why not? When your dog dies,
what do you do now? You bury it.

463
00:25:19,743 --> 00:25:21,880
- I don't turn her into a boot lid!
- Why not?

464
00:25:21,945 --> 00:25:24,348
Because I don't want to see a
little face stretched across...

465
00:25:24,415 --> 00:25:27,285
You don't have the face!
I haven't got a face on it.

466
00:25:27,286 --> 00:25:28,619
It's just the bones.

467
00:25:28,686 --> 00:25:31,021
So as Granny gets older,
does the family sit around

468
00:25:31,088 --> 00:25:33,392
planning a new little hatchback?

469
00:25:33,458 --> 00:25:34,858
Now, I hadn't thought of people.

470
00:25:34,925 --> 00:25:37,161
There's not a lot
of dignity in it, is there?

471
00:25:37,296 --> 00:25:38,930
Have you used ears
for wing mirrors?

472
00:25:38,997 --> 00:25:40,365
- Yes.
- You're sick!

473
00:25:40,432 --> 00:25:42,634
Why would you not do that?
They're designed for that.

474
00:25:42,701 --> 00:25:45,135
- No, they're not.
- Well, they are.

475
00:25:45,202 --> 00:25:49,673
They're not reflective. - They absorb
information and pass it on to the creature.

476
00:25:49,740 --> 00:25:51,442
- Look at my windscreen.
- What is that?

477
00:25:51,509 --> 00:25:53,577
It's...
the digestive system -

478
00:25:53,644 --> 00:25:56,314
well, part of the digestive
system - of an cow.

479
00:25:56,315 --> 00:25:57,682
What part
of the digestive system?

480
00:25:57,749 --> 00:25:59,817
- Its stomach lining.
- Not its stomach lining.

481
00:25:59,884 --> 00:26:01,685
- Well, where? Further back?
- Yes.

482
00:26:01,752 --> 00:26:04,489
Are you staring at the world
through a cow's ring?

483
00:26:06,924 --> 00:26:08,759
It is its anal passage.

484
00:26:08,826 --> 00:26:13,230
But it's stretched so thin that
it's completely transparent.

485
00:26:13,332 --> 00:26:15,066
Cow's arse, horse's arse.
It's perfect!

486
00:26:15,133 --> 00:26:19,903
Come on! It's a lot better than what
you two have done, which is nothing.

487
00:26:19,971 --> 00:26:22,641
- What's this made out of?
- Have a guess. -Is it mud?

488
00:26:22,707 --> 00:26:24,343
It's mud. It's a mud car.

489
00:26:24,375 --> 00:26:26,103
- You've got flat tyres.
- No, they're not flat.

490
00:26:26,109 --> 00:26:28,680
They're pumped up as high as
they will go without exploding.

491
00:26:28,747 --> 00:26:30,648
- How much does it weigh?
- Quite a lot.

492
00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:32,083
- How much?
- Yeah, loads.

493
00:26:32,150 --> 00:26:33,817
How much does it weigh, James?

494
00:26:33,884 --> 00:26:35,453
- What units would you like?
- Tonnes.

495
00:26:35,519 --> 00:26:37,154
Five.

496
00:26:37,221 --> 00:26:41,058
- Five tonnes? Well, that's just idiotic.
- Well, mud is quite heavy.

497
00:26:41,125 --> 00:26:44,363
This looks safe. - It's sustainable,
is that. That is growing.

498
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:47,932
While we've been having that conversation,
this has extended a little bit.

499
00:26:47,999 --> 00:26:50,159
- It just grows quietly.
- Is it actually a living car?

500
00:26:50,167 --> 00:26:53,605
Everything's planted. I've put bulbs
along here, ready for spring. Daffodils.

501
00:26:53,672 --> 00:26:56,375
- Not safe, though, is it?
- Yes. Hazel, very strong.

502
00:26:56,407 --> 00:27:00,479
It's not as strong as bone. Bone is
three times stronger than steel.

503
00:27:00,545 --> 00:27:01,913
Is it?

504
00:27:01,980 --> 00:27:04,915
Oh. Sorry, text.

505
00:27:04,982 --> 00:27:06,484
Mr Wilman.

506
00:27:06,550 --> 00:27:10,454
"Having built your cars from nature,
you will now drive through it,"

507
00:27:10,521 --> 00:27:11,955
to the Myarth Hill,

508
00:27:12,022 --> 00:27:15,559
"where you will take part in
a green motorsport event."

509
00:27:15,626 --> 00:27:18,396
- What green motorsport event?
- He doesn't say.

510
00:27:18,430 --> 00:27:22,601
A motorsport event that is
presumably ecological in some way.

511
00:27:22,666 --> 00:27:23,667
OK.

512
00:27:23,734 --> 00:27:25,604
Before setting off,

513
00:27:25,670 --> 00:27:28,306
we consulted a map to see
where we were going.

514
00:27:28,406 --> 00:27:30,808
Right, so that's the UK.

515
00:27:30,875 --> 00:27:33,677
We're here,
and we've got to get to here.

516
00:27:35,779 --> 00:27:38,982
Well... that doesn't look
like too much of a challenge.

517
00:27:40,484 --> 00:27:42,185
With that sorted, we saddled up

518
00:27:42,252 --> 00:27:46,023
and began
our epic 11-mile journey.

519
00:27:47,325 --> 00:27:48,527
Look at the smoke!

520
00:27:48,593 --> 00:27:50,193
That's ecological.

521
00:27:50,260 --> 00:27:54,031
Greenpeace are gonna be
ringing him up at any moment.

522
00:27:54,097 --> 00:27:55,799
Tremendous.

523
00:27:55,866 --> 00:27:58,470
Smells of nature, I'm in nature,

524
00:27:58,537 --> 00:28:00,939
I'm made of nature.

525
00:28:01,005 --> 00:28:05,876
It's not quick, but it gives me
more time to enjoy God's creation,

526
00:28:05,943 --> 00:28:08,680
of which I am very much a part.

527
00:28:08,747 --> 00:28:10,714
Oh!

528
00:28:12,182 --> 00:28:14,051
James!

529
00:28:18,021 --> 00:28:22,493
We've done ten seconds,
and James...

530
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:26,597
I may be losing one of my - I think the
correct technical term is the A-pillar.

531
00:28:26,664 --> 00:28:28,500
Now it's gone completely.

532
00:28:30,602 --> 00:28:33,637
Oh, dear!

533
00:28:35,606 --> 00:28:39,076
Surely he has to admit defeat?

534
00:28:39,143 --> 00:28:41,278
There's not much car left now.

535
00:28:41,345 --> 00:28:44,214
Oh, dear, James.

536
00:28:44,281 --> 00:28:45,784
I think we can count you out.

537
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:47,278
- But it doesn't matter.
- What doesn't matter?

538
00:28:47,285 --> 00:28:49,554
Look. You think, "Oh, James's
car's falling apart."

539
00:28:49,621 --> 00:28:53,657
I'm standing in my spare-parts
department. All of it.

540
00:28:53,724 --> 00:28:55,326
Can be used to rebuild your car?

541
00:28:55,393 --> 00:28:58,962
- It's right under there, mud.
- So it's as good as new? -Sort of.

542
00:28:59,029 --> 00:29:02,666
Well, I'm sorry, but we're gonna
set off and leave you behind.

543
00:29:02,733 --> 00:29:04,260
Well, hang on.
You can't leave me behind

544
00:29:04,268 --> 00:29:06,347
because we haven't started.
We're still in the field.

545
00:29:06,403 --> 00:29:07,699
- Oh, yes.
- Good point. OK, well,

546
00:29:07,705 --> 00:29:10,141
we're gonna set off
and go to the pub.

547
00:29:10,208 --> 00:29:12,076
- That's a very good idea.
- While you...

548
00:29:12,143 --> 00:29:14,979
- While you...
- ...find some mud.

549
00:29:15,046 --> 00:29:17,516
I've lost my car!
Oh, it's there. It's there.

550
00:29:19,182 --> 00:29:21,051
With Bob The Builder
out of the way,

551
00:29:21,118 --> 00:29:23,253
Richard and I
settled down to appreciate

552
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:27,959
the planet-saving nature of
our revolutionary eco-cars.

553
00:29:29,426 --> 00:29:31,229
You may be...

554
00:29:31,295 --> 00:29:32,730
amused by my bodywork,

555
00:29:32,797 --> 00:29:34,965
or perhaps horrified,

556
00:29:35,032 --> 00:29:39,770
but the fact is that
making steel bodies for cars

557
00:29:39,837 --> 00:29:46,076
produces 120 million tonnes
of carbon dioxide every year.

558
00:29:46,144 --> 00:29:48,547
120 million tonnes!

559
00:29:50,582 --> 00:29:52,584
Carmakers will sort out clean,

560
00:29:52,651 --> 00:29:55,318
environmentally-friendly
engines. They will.

561
00:29:55,385 --> 00:29:59,923
But in the meantime, I can tell you that
the CO2 produced by this car's engine

562
00:29:59,990 --> 00:30:03,728
is being absorbed
and used by the bodywork.

563
00:30:05,163 --> 00:30:08,266
Plants breathe in carbon dioxide
and breathe out oxygen.

564
00:30:08,332 --> 00:30:11,603
That's what my car's body
is doing right now.

565
00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:17,608
Jumpers, Sunday lunch...
spare parts.

566
00:30:17,675 --> 00:30:20,478
You don't need
a foundry or a furnace

567
00:30:20,545 --> 00:30:22,145
to build the body for this car.

568
00:30:22,212 --> 00:30:25,784
You just need animals
to make love to one another.

569
00:30:25,849 --> 00:30:29,587
That's what this car is
really. It's a sex machine.

570
00:30:31,122 --> 00:30:35,626
Meanwhile, back at base,
James was having a rethink.

571
00:30:35,693 --> 00:30:37,796
I've decided to abandon
my original idea

572
00:30:37,862 --> 00:30:40,298
because it was just
too weak and too floppy,

573
00:30:40,364 --> 00:30:43,667
and instead I'm going to
build a car out of bricks.

574
00:30:43,734 --> 00:30:45,604
The basic materials
for making the bricks

575
00:30:45,670 --> 00:30:48,640
are fresh mud
with a bit of water in it,

576
00:30:48,707 --> 00:30:52,210
er... some straw
to give it strength,

577
00:30:52,276 --> 00:30:54,077
and some sheep poo.

578
00:30:54,144 --> 00:30:56,647
You then use that
to make the brick shape,

579
00:30:56,714 --> 00:30:58,415
and then you fire those
in a kiln.

580
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:00,951
Then you use the bricks to
build the thing like a house.

581
00:31:01,019 --> 00:31:04,055
Except, of course, it will be
roughly the shape of a car.

582
00:31:05,890 --> 00:31:10,929
Back on the road, Hammond had
called our eco convoy to a halt.

583
00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:13,396
- What's the matter?
- Shh.

584
00:31:13,463 --> 00:31:14,665
Shush what?

585
00:31:14,732 --> 00:31:16,334
There's a bustle in my hedgerow.

586
00:31:17,836 --> 00:31:20,238
Well, don't be alarmed now.

587
00:31:20,304 --> 00:31:25,143
- It's probably just a... spring clean.
- What, for the May Queen?

588
00:31:25,209 --> 00:31:28,646
As it turned out,
I'd picked up a passenger.

589
00:31:29,713 --> 00:31:31,715
Hold on. There! Look!

590
00:31:31,782 --> 00:31:33,284
Oh! It's a hedgehog!

591
00:31:33,351 --> 00:31:35,019
Yeah! He's moved in.

592
00:31:36,988 --> 00:31:39,390
Do hedgehogs have bones?
He could be a door mirror.

593
00:31:39,457 --> 00:31:42,226
He's now a member of
my little community in here.

594
00:31:42,292 --> 00:31:44,095
You're not using him
to make a door mirror.

595
00:31:44,162 --> 00:31:46,297
- No, but when he dies...
- He lives here!

596
00:31:46,364 --> 00:31:47,865
Hedgehogs die.

597
00:32:09,287 --> 00:32:12,022
Oh, he's got a mouse
in his little bird box.

598
00:32:12,089 --> 00:32:15,693
And it's got the biggest
testes I've ever seen!

599
00:32:18,261 --> 00:32:20,964
Eventually, Richard and I
arrived at the pub.

600
00:32:24,067 --> 00:32:27,204
Oh, hello!
Oh, mate! You fool!

601
00:32:29,140 --> 00:32:30,340
Oh! Oh, look.

602
00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:32,777
Clean break. That'll never...
You're gonna need pins.

603
00:32:32,844 --> 00:32:35,947
Shut up! Your car's
given me hay fever.

604
00:32:36,013 --> 00:32:37,480
I can't see through my eyes.

605
00:32:37,548 --> 00:32:39,951
Oh, so you crashed your car
because mine's got flowers on

606
00:32:40,018 --> 00:32:43,755
and not because you built your
windscreen out of a cow's balloon knot?

607
00:32:43,822 --> 00:32:46,958
Let's not get bogged down with who
caused the accident, cos it was you.

608
00:32:47,025 --> 00:32:49,027
I am now gonna go
and get some spare parts.

609
00:32:49,093 --> 00:32:50,452
Of course you are.
That'll be easy.

610
00:32:50,461 --> 00:32:52,421
Maybe there'll be a nice zoo
in this tiny village.

611
00:32:52,430 --> 00:32:54,097
No, hospital.
Old folks' home.

612
00:32:54,164 --> 00:32:56,734
You could wait... Just find one
of those old ladies with...

613
00:32:58,501 --> 00:33:00,038
Back at the start point,

614
00:33:00,104 --> 00:33:03,106
the eco-warrior was
ramping up the pace.

615
00:33:23,260 --> 00:33:24,127
Watch that go.

616
00:33:26,329 --> 00:33:28,031
Meanwhile, back at the pub,

617
00:33:28,098 --> 00:33:31,301
I was repairing
my damaged front end.

618
00:33:31,368 --> 00:33:34,771
Well, annoyingly,
the pork that I bought

619
00:33:34,772 --> 00:33:36,467
is sort of triangular
and doesn't look right.

620
00:33:36,473 --> 00:33:38,977
It doesn't really fit,
so I've got a side of beef,

621
00:33:39,042 --> 00:33:40,845
which I think will be great.

622
00:33:40,912 --> 00:33:43,181
Now, I'm just erm...
clearing away the old bone.

623
00:33:51,088 --> 00:33:53,825
No, shoo! Shoo in Welsh.

624
00:33:55,226 --> 00:33:56,994
I'm warning you.

625
00:33:57,060 --> 00:33:59,798
How would you like to be
a petrol filler cap?

626
00:34:04,035 --> 00:34:05,202
What do you think?

627
00:34:05,269 --> 00:34:06,971
I actually think it
looks rather stylish,

628
00:34:07,038 --> 00:34:10,909
because it immediately looks
ecological, recyclable,

629
00:34:10,974 --> 00:34:13,010
sustainable -
all those things.

630
00:34:13,077 --> 00:34:15,813
You get a single-skin
brick wall.

631
00:34:15,880 --> 00:34:18,248
It builds up very neatly,
as you can see.

632
00:34:18,315 --> 00:34:20,985
It is exactly the same as
making something out of Lego.

633
00:34:21,052 --> 00:34:22,820
If you have lots of Lego...

634
00:34:30,293 --> 00:34:32,362
Right.

635
00:34:32,429 --> 00:34:36,567
Clearly, James was not going
to get his car built that day,

636
00:34:36,634 --> 00:34:41,472
so Richard and I decided to
spend the night at the pub.

637
00:34:41,539 --> 00:34:43,440
How far have we come today?
Just remind me.

638
00:34:43,507 --> 00:34:45,135
We're still in the same
field where we started.

639
00:34:45,143 --> 00:34:46,710
- Well, he is.
- Yes.

640
00:34:46,844 --> 00:34:50,313
We're in a pub. - But we have
to go back to the start to start.

641
00:34:52,083 --> 00:34:53,952
- It's not the best start.
- No.

642
00:34:54,018 --> 00:34:55,947
- Erm...
- How do we know? We haven't started yet.

643
00:34:55,954 --> 00:35:00,257
Precisely, so, actually, it might yet be
a brilliant start when the start starts.

644
00:35:05,329 --> 00:35:06,364
Ow!

645
00:35:11,902 --> 00:35:15,672
His one was useless. It's his
slap-happy attitude to making things.

646
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:17,675
Attention to detail.

647
00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:19,043
Thank you very much.

648
00:35:19,110 --> 00:35:22,880
Anyway, now it is time
for Celebrity Brain Crash!

649
00:35:29,487 --> 00:35:31,755
Now, last week...

650
00:35:31,889 --> 00:35:33,590
Last week,
as I'm sure you'll remember,

651
00:35:33,657 --> 00:35:38,329
our guest Simon Pegg sadly fell
into the harbour and drowned.

652
00:35:38,396 --> 00:35:41,331
Er... But there's no danger
of that happening this week,

653
00:35:41,398 --> 00:35:45,068
because our guest is actually
starting in the harbour.

654
00:35:45,135 --> 00:35:47,972
He is one of Britain's
top comedians

655
00:35:48,039 --> 00:35:50,340
and a jet-ski enthusiast.

656
00:35:50,407 --> 00:35:54,445
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jimmy Carr!

657
00:35:55,914 --> 00:35:57,914
Here he comes now, look,
on the screen...

658
00:35:57,916 --> 00:36:00,018
and he's looking good!

659
00:36:00,083 --> 00:36:03,021
He is. What are we going to
ask him when he gets here?

660
00:36:03,086 --> 00:36:05,923
I'm gonna ask him, actually,
about erm...

661
00:36:05,989 --> 00:36:08,025
that story he told me
once when we were on holiday.

662
00:36:08,092 --> 00:36:09,927
No, you can't ask
him about that on air.

663
00:36:09,927 --> 00:36:11,362
Ofcom, they won't like it.

664
00:36:11,429 --> 00:36:13,264
Why does Ofcom...
We're on the internet.

665
00:36:13,331 --> 00:36:16,000
Yeah, but we're still broadcast.
You can't tell that story.

666
00:36:17,969 --> 00:36:19,637
Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!

667
00:36:19,702 --> 00:36:22,072
I don't want to interrupt.
He's come in very hot.

668
00:36:22,139 --> 00:36:25,675
No, what's this boat doing?
Shush, everyone! Shush!

669
00:36:25,742 --> 00:36:26,943
The boat! Stop the...

670
00:36:26,945 --> 00:36:28,445
Oh, for God's sake! The boat!

671
00:36:30,813 --> 00:36:32,951
Oh, my God.

672
00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:53,436
As you may have noticed, the audience
there applauding the tragic death...

673
00:36:55,672 --> 00:36:58,976
...of one of Britain's best-loved
comedians, Jimmy Carr.

674
00:37:00,177 --> 00:37:02,746
Does that mean
he's not coming on, then?

675
00:37:02,813 --> 00:37:04,983
Well, James, he's burst

676
00:37:05,016 --> 00:37:08,251
and is now basically chum
on the waters of the harbour,

677
00:37:08,318 --> 00:37:10,221
so that's a no,
he's not coming on.

678
00:37:10,288 --> 00:37:12,222
This is a dis...
It's awkward.

679
00:37:12,289 --> 00:37:14,992
It's every single week. - We're getting
a reputation. People are gonna notice.

680
00:37:14,992 --> 00:37:20,898
It's OK, though. I've just thought of
something else we can do to fill the time.

681
00:37:20,998 --> 00:37:22,233
You... You know what it is.

682
00:37:22,300 --> 00:37:24,467
- You go outside, and you.
- Do I have to do this?

683
00:37:24,534 --> 00:37:26,369
Yes, I'm afraid you do.
Could you go that way?

684
00:37:26,436 --> 00:37:28,371
Go get it. Quickly, quickly.
Run, run, run.

685
00:37:28,438 --> 00:37:30,440
Ladies and gentlemen,

686
00:37:30,507 --> 00:37:34,545
please try not to look at the hideous
bloodstained water out of the window.

687
00:37:36,213 --> 00:37:38,014
You see, the thing is...
The thing is

688
00:37:38,016 --> 00:37:41,085
that when immigrants try
to get into the country,

689
00:37:41,152 --> 00:37:43,420
they always come in the back
of a container lorry,

690
00:37:43,487 --> 00:37:47,090
and I always think that is the
world's worst game of hide-and-seek.

691
00:37:47,157 --> 00:37:50,094
Cos if you work for Homeland Security...
No, what's it called here?

692
00:37:50,161 --> 00:37:54,164
Border Force? ...Border Force, you open
the doors and, "Well, there you are."

693
00:37:54,231 --> 00:38:00,036
So I was thinking, surely there must be
a better way of getting into Britain?

694
00:38:00,038 --> 00:38:02,840
And I think I've worked it out.

695
00:38:03,041 --> 00:38:05,809
So, James, could you
bring the car in? Yes.

696
00:38:05,876 --> 00:38:07,210
Yes, good man.

697
00:38:07,277 --> 00:38:08,411
Right, here he comes now,

698
00:38:08,478 --> 00:38:11,181
at his usual top speed of eight,

699
00:38:11,248 --> 00:38:14,717
in what is an Audi TT Quattro.

700
00:38:14,784 --> 00:38:18,121
That's perfect. Thank you so much, James.
If you'd like to step out.

701
00:38:18,188 --> 00:38:22,126
Now, Richard Hammond
is in this car.

702
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:27,797
And I'm going to give you, the studio
audience, one hour to find him.

703
00:38:27,864 --> 00:38:29,800
Oh, not an hour!

704
00:38:29,867 --> 00:38:33,471
All right, not an hour. A minute.
I'll give you 60 seconds to find him.

705
00:38:33,536 --> 00:38:35,806
Help yourselves, everybody.
See if you can find him.

706
00:38:35,873 --> 00:38:38,141
- Open the bonnet.
- Look in the ashtray!

707
00:38:38,208 --> 00:38:41,344
Look in the ashtray? He's
small, but he's not that small.

708
00:38:41,411 --> 00:38:44,114
- Open the boot.
- Inside the seat.

709
00:38:44,181 --> 00:38:45,416
"Inside the seat."

710
00:38:45,483 --> 00:38:47,351
He's strapped underneath.
He's underneath.

711
00:38:47,418 --> 00:38:49,619
- Have a look.
- I'll get down.

712
00:38:49,686 --> 00:38:51,481
If you just go down there, you
can have a look underneath.

713
00:38:51,489 --> 00:38:53,556
Has anyone lifted this?

714
00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,893
Three, two, one...

715
00:38:55,958 --> 00:38:57,195
No, you've all failed.

716
00:38:57,260 --> 00:38:59,097
You'd be no good in Immigration.

717
00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:04,434
Right, go back to where you were,
because, ladies and gentlemen,

718
00:39:04,501 --> 00:39:07,338
what we are going to do now
is reveal to you

719
00:39:07,405 --> 00:39:11,007
where Richard Hammond
was concealed in this car.

720
00:39:11,108 --> 00:39:12,943
James, could you give me a hand?

721
00:39:13,010 --> 00:39:15,545
- Certainly.
- Okey-doke.

722
00:39:15,612 --> 00:39:17,114
- Hello!
- There he is.

723
00:39:17,114 --> 00:39:20,751
Hello! I'm in the car. Yeah.

724
00:39:23,820 --> 00:39:25,588
Are you all right?

725
00:39:25,655 --> 00:39:27,490
Yeah. Can I get out now?

726
00:39:27,557 --> 00:39:30,927
The amazing thing is,
it's not just Audi TTs.

727
00:39:30,994 --> 00:39:33,764
Almost any car
has that much space

728
00:39:33,831 --> 00:39:36,134
if you want to do
a spot of people smuggling.

729
00:39:36,166 --> 00:39:38,601
Yeah, it's not that much
space, just to be clear.

730
00:39:38,668 --> 00:39:40,237
Can I get out now?

731
00:39:40,304 --> 00:39:43,340
No, because I've just
thought of something.

732
00:39:43,407 --> 00:39:45,202
No, seriously. James, could
you pop the bumper back on?

733
00:39:45,208 --> 00:39:46,744
- What?
- No, move your feet.

734
00:39:46,809 --> 00:39:49,380
- No, because...
- It's not very nice!

735
00:39:49,447 --> 00:39:52,449
Is it not? Right, so,
pop that back on there.

736
00:39:52,516 --> 00:39:55,052
Now, what we've
got here, I think,

737
00:39:55,152 --> 00:39:58,456
is a really rather
effective parking sensor.

738
00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:02,326
What? I don't like this!
I like it. I like it.

739
00:40:02,393 --> 00:40:05,329
You get back in. We'll bring
a car in so that...

740
00:40:05,396 --> 00:40:07,465
Yeah, so you've got
something to reverse up to.

741
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:09,567
I need to drill some holes
for your eyes.

742
00:40:09,632 --> 00:40:13,103
You bloody don't!

743
00:40:13,170 --> 00:40:16,239
Seriously, Hammond, you won't be
able to see anything unless I do.

744
00:40:16,306 --> 00:40:19,342
- Where are your eyes? About here?
- At the front of my head!

745
00:40:19,409 --> 00:40:21,478
Right, close them, Hammond.
This...

746
00:40:30,119 --> 00:40:32,655
- Hammond?
- I'm not talking to you!

747
00:40:34,625 --> 00:40:36,594
Right, I'll do one
for your other eye.

748
00:40:38,896 --> 00:40:41,632
There. Can you see out now?

749
00:40:42,699 --> 00:40:44,501
Yes, there. Look.
Can you see?

750
00:40:44,568 --> 00:40:47,804
We can see his little eyes. That's lovely.
If someone holds this.

751
00:40:47,871 --> 00:40:50,507
Right, James, if you'd like
to start reversing,

752
00:40:50,574 --> 00:40:53,976
keeping your ears open for
Hammond's pitiable screams.

753
00:40:54,043 --> 00:40:55,445
Roger.

754
00:40:55,512 --> 00:40:57,981
No...
No! No! Just stop!

755
00:40:58,047 --> 00:40:59,750
No! Stop!

756
00:40:59,817 --> 00:41:02,585
- How far away is that?
- About 15 feet.

757
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:05,088
- What?
- Hammond?

758
00:41:05,222 --> 00:41:06,757
- What?
- We live in London.

759
00:41:06,824 --> 00:41:09,893
You could build a?4 million
house in that gap.

760
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:11,929
I need to know when
you're half an inch away.

761
00:41:11,994 --> 00:41:14,864
You're not the one
in the bloody bumper!

762
00:41:14,931 --> 00:41:16,833
- Right, come on, then, James.
- Here we go.

763
00:41:16,900 --> 00:41:19,237
Hammond, you're on silence
till it's dangerous.

764
00:41:25,041 --> 00:41:26,943
Stop!

765
00:41:28,612 --> 00:41:31,248
That is absolutely brilliant.

766
00:41:32,282 --> 00:41:34,318
That's like
a quarter of an inch.

767
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:37,887
Look at that.

768
00:41:37,954 --> 00:41:38,956
Cor!

769
00:41:40,423 --> 00:41:43,460
The thing is, parking sensors
are very expensive.

770
00:41:43,527 --> 00:41:45,663
You can rent a man
for almost nothing.

771
00:41:45,728 --> 00:41:48,998
Yeah, look, I don't know how much
you pay to rent a man normally,

772
00:41:49,065 --> 00:41:50,934
but I cost more.

773
00:41:51,001 --> 00:41:52,902
Now, get me out of here, please.

774
00:41:52,969 --> 00:41:55,672
Well, no, because we've got
to link into the next film.

775
00:41:55,739 --> 00:41:58,141
We can't get you out anyway

776
00:41:58,275 --> 00:41:59,969
because you're too close;
we'll never get the bumper off.

777
00:41:59,976 --> 00:42:02,913
You're too good at your job, Hammond.
Oh, God!

778
00:42:02,980 --> 00:42:05,081
That's what's happened.
So we're going back...

779
00:42:05,148 --> 00:42:08,585
Actually, it's part two,
isn't it? What was the film?

780
00:42:08,652 --> 00:42:10,788
It was Italy.
No, that was last week.

781
00:42:12,289 --> 00:42:14,291
- Oh, the cars!
- Oh, really?

782
00:42:14,358 --> 00:42:18,396
- Oh, the sustainable thing.
- Sustainable cars. So... -Yes.

783
00:42:18,461 --> 00:42:23,534
Get on with it!

784
00:42:26,769 --> 00:42:29,306
The following morning
we were up bright and early

785
00:42:29,306 --> 00:42:31,708
so we could get back
to the start line.

786
00:42:35,012 --> 00:42:37,681
- Not a bad night, actually.
- It was all right.

787
00:42:37,748 --> 00:42:38,849
Oh, hello.

788
00:42:40,351 --> 00:42:42,552
May?

789
00:42:44,922 --> 00:42:47,891
Oh! That's dogs and foxes
and things, isn't it?

790
00:42:47,958 --> 00:42:50,393
Dogs have come
and eaten your car.

791
00:42:50,460 --> 00:42:52,496
They haven't eaten
it, they've destroyed it,

792
00:42:52,563 --> 00:42:55,398
which means I've got to
put it back together again.

793
00:42:56,934 --> 00:42:59,869
There are some spare parts
up there.

794
00:42:59,936 --> 00:43:02,039
Yeah, I think that
horse is looking very ill.

795
00:43:02,105 --> 00:43:03,574
It's got a very grey face.

796
00:43:03,641 --> 00:43:05,342
That's always a sign
of looking ill.

797
00:43:05,409 --> 00:43:07,510
Is your horse ill?

798
00:43:07,577 --> 00:43:08,746
- No.
- No?

799
00:43:08,811 --> 00:43:10,914
- No
- He'll last the day, then?

800
00:43:10,981 --> 00:43:12,014
Yeah.

801
00:43:13,983 --> 00:43:14,985
Damn it.

802
00:43:17,788 --> 00:43:20,557
It took all morning
to repair my car

803
00:43:20,623 --> 00:43:22,460
with stuff from
the butcher's shop,

804
00:43:22,525 --> 00:43:24,126
which meant it was lunchtime

805
00:43:24,193 --> 00:43:25,695
before we were on our way back

806
00:43:25,762 --> 00:43:27,797
to see how James was getting on.

807
00:43:30,601 --> 00:43:32,670
Jeremy, what's all that smoke
up ahead there?

808
00:43:34,036 --> 00:43:35,405
What smoke?

809
00:43:35,472 --> 00:43:38,442
That massive ball of smoke
in front of us, up front.

810
00:43:38,509 --> 00:43:40,510
I can't see it.
My hay fever's really bad.

811
00:43:40,577 --> 00:43:42,898
No, you can't see it because
you're trying to looking at it

812
00:43:42,945 --> 00:43:45,548
through a cow's butt hole.

813
00:43:45,615 --> 00:43:48,452
As it turned out,
the smoke was on account

814
00:43:48,518 --> 00:43:54,056
of James having single-handedly
restarted the Industrial Revolution.

815
00:44:01,297 --> 00:44:02,400
What?

816
00:44:02,432 --> 00:44:04,101
- What are you doing?
- I'm making...

817
00:44:06,969 --> 00:44:13,175
The theory is... we are reducing
our impact on the environment,

818
00:44:13,242 --> 00:44:14,277
but you've dug it up!

819
00:44:14,411 --> 00:44:15,646
It's not where anybody lives.

820
00:44:15,713 --> 00:44:17,440
It's just the countryside.
It's not doing anything.

821
00:44:17,447 --> 00:44:18,916
Is that a coal lorry?

822
00:44:18,981 --> 00:44:22,719
Yes. - The least environmental
thing on the entire earth.

823
00:44:22,786 --> 00:44:25,422
It's a lorry delivering coal.

824
00:44:25,489 --> 00:44:27,724
- So?
- Why do you need coal?

825
00:44:27,791 --> 00:44:29,693
- To fire up the kiln.
- What?

826
00:44:29,760 --> 00:44:32,061
The bricks have to be baked.
You can't just...

827
00:44:32,128 --> 00:44:36,132
Hold on. So you're making a
car out of mud bricks? - Yes.

828
00:44:36,199 --> 00:44:39,637
Are you gonna dig a canal network to get
in and out, perhaps, with your coal?

829
00:44:39,702 --> 00:44:42,072
- That's quite a good idea.
- It isn't a good idea!

830
00:44:43,641 --> 00:44:45,976
Much ruined countryside later,

831
00:44:46,043 --> 00:44:49,679
James's new car
was finally ready.

832
00:44:49,746 --> 00:44:52,516
Why are you dressed up
like an American footballer?

833
00:44:52,583 --> 00:44:54,617
Well, it's a prototype,

834
00:44:54,684 --> 00:44:56,686
and I'm a test pilot, in effect.

835
00:44:56,753 --> 00:44:59,021
Test pilots wear
specialist equipment.

836
00:44:59,088 --> 00:45:01,458
But that looks
perfectly solid to me.

837
00:45:02,460 --> 00:45:04,461
That roof is...

838
00:45:04,494 --> 00:45:07,565
James, even given the limitations
of the material you've used,

839
00:45:07,630 --> 00:45:08,898
your car looks crap.

840
00:45:08,965 --> 00:45:10,833
But look how it blends in
with the environment.

841
00:45:10,900 --> 00:45:12,128
Prince Charles would love this.

842
00:45:12,135 --> 00:45:13,670
It doesn't blend in
with anything.

843
00:45:13,737 --> 00:45:16,474
There's no environment left -
you've dug it all up.

844
00:45:16,507 --> 00:45:19,342
- Right, can we finally go?
- Yes, you can.

845
00:45:19,476 --> 00:45:20,911
11 miles lie ahead.

846
00:45:20,978 --> 00:45:23,012
See you there.

847
00:45:25,648 --> 00:45:27,985
Ow!

848
00:45:33,724 --> 00:45:36,994
That is a complete
mystery, to be honest.

849
00:45:37,059 --> 00:45:38,596
It's not.

850
00:45:38,661 --> 00:45:41,164
It had an arched roof,
it had a keystone.

851
00:45:41,231 --> 00:45:43,333
There must be something
wrong with that mortar.

852
00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:47,170
Waiting for James
to mend his bodywork, again,

853
00:45:47,237 --> 00:45:50,840
meant my bodywork
started to go off.

854
00:45:53,010 --> 00:45:55,177
But, eventually, he was ready.

855
00:46:00,583 --> 00:46:02,786
It's really rather pleasant.

856
00:46:02,853 --> 00:46:05,822
This is like being at home
with the windows open.

857
00:46:05,889 --> 00:46:09,793
Richard, meanwhile, had added
some floral go-faster stripes,

858
00:46:09,860 --> 00:46:14,063
and I'd opened up my cow's rectum
to improve the ventilation.

859
00:46:16,967 --> 00:46:18,869
We have had a few problems.

860
00:46:18,936 --> 00:46:22,606
We've only covered, yes,
two miles in two days,

861
00:46:22,672 --> 00:46:24,708
but here we are,

862
00:46:24,775 --> 00:46:27,545
as a threesome, going along.

863
00:46:33,583 --> 00:46:34,818
But then...

864
00:46:34,885 --> 00:46:36,920
It's a river,
and not a small one.

865
00:46:41,791 --> 00:46:43,927
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

866
00:46:47,565 --> 00:46:50,199
Oh, God.

867
00:46:50,266 --> 00:46:53,269
- Oh, your bricks have fallen off, mate.
- Your bonnet's fallen off.

868
00:46:53,335 --> 00:46:56,239
Perfectly all right.
Redundancy's built into it.

869
00:46:56,306 --> 00:46:58,307
- Is it?
- Yeah.

870
00:46:58,375 --> 00:47:00,744
Since Richard
is the team bumpkin,

871
00:47:00,811 --> 00:47:03,280
we decided he should go first.

872
00:47:05,181 --> 00:47:08,351
OK, well, my community of
people, make for higher ground.

873
00:47:08,418 --> 00:47:10,253
Just climb.

874
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:14,023
Hammond's ark made it
to the other side safely.

875
00:47:14,090 --> 00:47:15,826
Yeah!

876
00:47:15,893 --> 00:47:17,760
And then it was my go.

877
00:47:18,929 --> 00:47:21,130
I'm really deep here.

878
00:47:21,197 --> 00:47:22,632
Really, really deep.

879
00:47:22,699 --> 00:47:24,902
Oh, no! Cows leak!

880
00:47:24,967 --> 00:47:27,269
That's a terrible thing
to learn!

881
00:47:28,739 --> 00:47:31,842
However, I, too, made it
with relative ease.

882
00:47:31,909 --> 00:47:33,844
Eat my meat, Hammond!

883
00:47:34,844 --> 00:47:36,614
But then...

884
00:47:36,646 --> 00:47:38,347
Look at this.

885
00:47:38,414 --> 00:47:39,717
Tragic.

886
00:47:39,782 --> 00:47:43,519
An old man driving a low
garden wall into a river.

887
00:47:43,621 --> 00:47:46,690
Let's look on the bright side.
If this doesn't work as a car,

888
00:47:46,757 --> 00:47:48,791
it will be very effective
as a dam.

889
00:47:52,762 --> 00:47:55,164
He's not doing it quite as
quickly as you or I did it.

890
00:47:55,231 --> 00:47:57,266
Nor as aggressively,
nor as purposefully.

891
00:47:59,101 --> 00:48:02,105
His car is also riding a lot lower
than ours because it weighs so much.

892
00:48:02,172 --> 00:48:04,875
I was getting very deep.
It may be leaking slightly.

893
00:48:07,811 --> 00:48:09,112
It's leaking a lot.

894
00:48:10,713 --> 00:48:14,083
Cack.
Chaps, I think I'm beached.

895
00:48:14,150 --> 00:48:16,786
I'm being honest, there's not a
great deal we can do about it.

896
00:48:16,853 --> 00:48:18,722
You're in the river, we're here.

897
00:48:18,789 --> 00:48:21,657
Right, if I go right a bit,

898
00:48:21,659 --> 00:48:24,260
I should... clear that...

899
00:48:24,327 --> 00:48:26,295
Oh, yes!

900
00:48:26,362 --> 00:48:29,199
Oh, the... - The side's just
come off. -Yeah, that's...

901
00:48:29,266 --> 00:48:32,268
So the mortar's dissolving and
the bricks are just falling off.

902
00:48:32,335 --> 00:48:33,737
Yes.

903
00:48:35,739 --> 00:48:37,039
That's more gone.

904
00:48:37,106 --> 00:48:39,742
Oh, God!
The mortar's dissolving!

905
00:48:39,809 --> 00:48:42,378
He's just transporting
his own cameras along.

906
00:48:42,445 --> 00:48:43,914
That's all he's doing.

907
00:48:43,981 --> 00:48:45,114
Get off!

908
00:48:46,349 --> 00:48:48,851
Get off!

909
00:48:48,918 --> 00:48:51,253
Little spindly arms
throwing a brick.

910
00:48:53,690 --> 00:48:54,891
Help!

911
00:48:57,059 --> 00:48:59,228
We're gonna have to put him
out of his misery.

912
00:48:59,295 --> 00:49:02,865
We'll just abandon him.
Do you think?

913
00:49:02,932 --> 00:49:04,400
What is the point of him?

914
00:49:04,467 --> 00:49:06,068
James, can you hear me?

915
00:49:06,135 --> 00:49:09,172
We've analysed the situation
and there is literally

916
00:49:09,239 --> 00:49:11,307
nothing we can do to help.
Nothing.

917
00:49:13,010 --> 00:49:15,378
Leaving James
in his dissolving car,

918
00:49:15,445 --> 00:49:19,315
we headed off to make camp
and get supper underway.

919
00:49:20,784 --> 00:49:23,052
Well, apart from your
rather tragic tents,

920
00:49:23,119 --> 00:49:26,856
- this isn't so bad.
- It's all right.

921
00:49:26,923 --> 00:49:28,458
It is amazing, isn't it?

922
00:49:28,525 --> 00:49:31,894
My car, the way it disappears
into that hedge,

923
00:49:31,961 --> 00:49:34,998
it's not just camouflage,
it is hedge.

924
00:49:35,065 --> 00:49:36,833
- It's gone.
- No, it is genuinely...

925
00:49:36,900 --> 00:49:40,402
Actually, I will agree,
yours is remarkable.

926
00:49:42,172 --> 00:49:45,275
Meanwhile, James's car
had shed so much weight

927
00:49:45,342 --> 00:49:47,844
that he was able to get free...

928
00:49:47,911 --> 00:49:53,115
and start raping the countryside
again to rebuild it.

929
00:49:53,182 --> 00:49:54,117
Bastards.

930
00:49:55,318 --> 00:49:56,253
Bastards.

931
00:49:58,288 --> 00:50:01,057
You know, what's incredible
about this -

932
00:50:01,123 --> 00:50:03,726
this sustainable living
we're doing -

933
00:50:03,726 --> 00:50:03,760
this sustainable living we're doing - is our
barbecue is made from bricks from James's car,

934
00:50:03,762 --> 00:50:07,965
is our barbecue is made
from bricks from James's car,

935
00:50:08,030 --> 00:50:11,268
the kindling and the
vegetables are from your car.

936
00:50:11,333 --> 00:50:14,436
Are you about
to tell me I'm eating...

937
00:50:14,503 --> 00:50:16,039
Back wing.

938
00:50:19,476 --> 00:50:22,780
What? - When you buy a steak,
it says "keep refrigerated".

939
00:50:22,846 --> 00:50:25,014
It doesn't say, "Stick
to the side of your car",

940
00:50:25,081 --> 00:50:27,016
leave in the sun,
then drive through a river."

941
00:50:32,454 --> 00:50:33,322
Whoa!

942
00:50:46,103 --> 00:50:49,005
James is making
such a racket, isn't he?

943
00:50:49,072 --> 00:50:51,673
It's worse than last time.

944
00:50:51,740 --> 00:50:55,711
The difference on this trip, while
he's been tearing nature apart,

945
00:50:55,778 --> 00:50:58,181
I've never felt closer to it.

946
00:50:58,248 --> 00:51:01,418
Well, he's just messing
everything up. He always...

947
00:51:07,224 --> 00:51:08,925
Holy cow.

948
00:51:08,992 --> 00:51:10,827
- Hammond.
- What?

949
00:51:12,394 --> 00:51:13,429
That.

950
00:51:15,065 --> 00:51:17,000
What are you doing?

951
00:51:17,067 --> 00:51:18,902
He couldn't see it.
It's a hedge trimmer.

952
00:51:18,969 --> 00:51:22,204
That's my community,
you rural bastard!

953
00:51:23,639 --> 00:51:25,474
- Oh, my...
- Oh, God!

954
00:51:27,577 --> 00:51:29,579
The next morning,
to cheer up Hammond

955
00:51:29,646 --> 00:51:31,914
following the decimation
of his car

956
00:51:31,981 --> 00:51:34,885
and his woodland
animal community,

957
00:51:34,952 --> 00:51:36,318
I made breakfast.

958
00:51:37,855 --> 00:51:39,489
- Eat it.
- No!

959
00:51:39,556 --> 00:51:41,690
- Why not?
- Because it's going green!

960
00:51:41,757 --> 00:51:42,960
It's just a bit of door.

961
00:51:43,025 --> 00:51:45,228
You can see where the flies
have been on it.

962
00:51:45,295 --> 00:51:46,262
It's disgusting.

963
00:51:46,329 --> 00:51:48,297
Hello. Hello!

964
00:51:48,364 --> 00:51:49,231
What...?

965
00:51:50,500 --> 00:51:52,434
- It's a dung heap.
- It is a dung heap.

966
00:51:56,072 --> 00:51:57,673
- Morning.
- Morning.

967
00:51:57,739 --> 00:51:59,442
Is this a car? What is it?

968
00:51:59,509 --> 00:52:03,713
It is a totally sustainable car made
of, effectively, wattle and daub,

969
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:05,715
only the wattle
has been replaced by straw

970
00:52:05,782 --> 00:52:07,650
and the daub has been
replaced by cow poo,

971
00:52:07,717 --> 00:52:09,418
but the principle is the same.

972
00:52:09,485 --> 00:52:12,021
How the hell do you fit in it?
Only just.

973
00:52:12,088 --> 00:52:14,523
- Where's your windscreen?
- There.

974
00:52:14,590 --> 00:52:15,458
Hang on.

975
00:52:16,960 --> 00:52:19,295
Can we just test
your blind spots, James?

976
00:52:19,362 --> 00:52:21,498
Can you see either of us now?

977
00:52:22,731 --> 00:52:24,201
No.

978
00:52:24,266 --> 00:52:27,003
Heavily pedestrianised areas
should be avoided.

979
00:52:29,739 --> 00:52:32,909
Right, come on. We've just
got two miles to go. - Yes.

980
00:52:33,976 --> 00:52:35,144
Jesus Christ!

981
00:52:35,211 --> 00:52:36,813
The smell!

982
00:52:36,914 --> 00:52:40,583
What's that? - It breaks my heart,
but it's a small gift for you.

983
00:52:40,650 --> 00:52:44,820
- Is it? Mate!
- Yes, from me and my woodland community.

984
00:52:44,922 --> 00:52:46,155
Oh!

985
00:52:46,222 --> 00:52:48,824
- It's a dead bat!
- Yeah, it is.

986
00:52:48,925 --> 00:52:51,594
- Bats have sonar, don't they?
- Yeah.

987
00:52:51,661 --> 00:52:54,731
So I could use it as a
reversing parking sensor.

988
00:52:54,797 --> 00:52:57,367
Yeah, I don't think it works
once the bat is dead.

989
00:53:00,137 --> 00:53:02,239
And so,
with all of us running...

990
00:53:06,275 --> 00:53:08,744
My reversing bat
is working well.

991
00:53:08,811 --> 00:53:13,182
...we began the final two-mile
leg of our epic journey.

992
00:53:14,684 --> 00:53:16,253
Oh, balls!

993
00:53:16,318 --> 00:53:19,956
There are some issues associated
with environmentalism,

994
00:53:19,956 --> 00:53:22,525
and we're seeing
one of them right now.

995
00:53:28,364 --> 00:53:31,969
- Am I anywhere near the gate?
- Oh, God!

996
00:53:34,972 --> 00:53:40,010
James attempted to tie his car back
together using a ball of string...

997
00:53:40,077 --> 00:53:41,443
which went well.

998
00:53:43,213 --> 00:53:45,282
It's going...

999
00:53:47,050 --> 00:53:49,985
Oh, that's gonna
confuse him now!

1000
00:53:49,987 --> 00:53:53,322
Why'd they make it in a ball
shape? What a stupid idea!

1001
00:53:54,992 --> 00:53:58,295
But eventually it was done
and we were on our way.

1002
00:54:00,396 --> 00:54:03,199
James,
how much does it weigh now?

1003
00:54:03,266 --> 00:54:07,570
I'm gonna say the weight has gone down a
bit. I think I'm down to three tonnes.

1004
00:54:07,637 --> 00:54:09,706
So you still need
an HGV licence?

1005
00:54:09,771 --> 00:54:13,010
But it's not a type of car
known to the DVLA.

1006
00:54:15,478 --> 00:54:18,248
Mind you,
I had even bigger problems.

1007
00:54:18,315 --> 00:54:21,418
My car was starting
to smell really bad.

1008
00:54:23,019 --> 00:54:24,320
One of the sound recordists

1009
00:54:24,387 --> 00:54:26,188
just came to fiddle
with my microphone,

1010
00:54:26,255 --> 00:54:27,724
and actually was sick.

1011
00:54:29,326 --> 00:54:33,163
Eventually, though, our
destination hoved into view.

1012
00:54:35,498 --> 00:54:38,235
After
three days gruelling travel

1013
00:54:38,300 --> 00:54:41,038
over 11 miles, we're here.

1014
00:54:42,639 --> 00:54:44,507
This must be it.

1015
00:54:44,574 --> 00:54:48,710
It was the Inaugural Sustainable
Living Motorsport Challenge

1016
00:54:48,777 --> 00:54:52,481
on a track carved out of
nature itself.

1017
00:54:53,650 --> 00:54:55,452
Oh, hang on.

1018
00:54:57,054 --> 00:54:58,920
- A text message.
- What?

1019
00:54:59,056 --> 00:55:00,382
I've got a text
here from Mr Wilman,

1020
00:55:00,389 --> 00:55:02,291
with the instructions
of what we're doing.

1021
00:55:02,358 --> 00:55:06,429
"Whoever does the most laps
in one hour wins."

1022
00:55:06,496 --> 00:55:08,364
Oh, well, James,
that's not gonna be you.

1023
00:55:08,431 --> 00:55:11,201
- Well, you don't know.
- No, I do know it's not gonna be you.

1024
00:55:11,268 --> 00:55:13,603
Oh, no, wait. Hang on.
"You will be racing against

1025
00:55:13,670 --> 00:55:16,438
three old-fashioned
steel cars."

1026
00:55:17,539 --> 00:55:19,641
- Hang on. Yes, those.
- Hello.

1027
00:55:21,077 --> 00:55:23,313
- Oh, there they are.
- How quaint.

1028
00:55:23,380 --> 00:55:25,414
No, they don't look
quaint. They look ridiculous.

1029
00:55:25,481 --> 00:55:27,384
It's funny, that's
the nature of progress.

1030
00:55:27,449 --> 00:55:29,751
- Suddenly, they look stupid.
- They do.

1031
00:55:31,653 --> 00:55:36,126
The museum pieces were being
driven by three local yobbos.

1032
00:55:37,693 --> 00:55:39,096
Right, this is it.

1033
00:55:39,128 --> 00:55:43,166
The MeaTI, the TreeTI
and the PeaTI are ready.

1034
00:55:48,771 --> 00:55:51,873
Oh, what a start!
It's a good start.

1035
00:55:51,940 --> 00:55:53,976
Yes, we're blocking!

1036
00:55:54,110 --> 00:55:57,746
Oh, they've gone! They've gone!
I couldn't see the flag.

1037
00:55:59,715 --> 00:56:03,119
Yes, there are some hay
bales. I'll follow those.

1038
00:56:03,119 --> 00:56:05,722
Where the hell does it go next?

1039
00:56:05,788 --> 00:56:08,625
Despite the excellent start
from Richard and I,

1040
00:56:08,690 --> 00:56:12,362
we were quickly overwhelmed
by the steel cars.

1041
00:56:12,429 --> 00:56:15,197
And now the Golf's got past!

1042
00:56:16,998 --> 00:56:18,601
Oh, no! Oh, no!

1043
00:56:18,668 --> 00:56:21,137
I've let the Mondeo through.
That's a disaster!

1044
00:56:22,304 --> 00:56:25,407
Oh, I've lost
one of my nose tampons!

1045
00:56:25,474 --> 00:56:29,679
What Richard and I really needed
was help from our colleague.

1046
00:56:29,746 --> 00:56:32,148
Sadly, though...

1047
00:56:32,148 --> 00:56:35,351
I'm gonna take a racing line.
Oh, I'm completely lost.

1048
00:56:35,418 --> 00:56:39,521
The trouble is, the race track looks
the same as the front of the car.

1049
00:56:39,588 --> 00:56:41,523
What a stupid idea for an event.

1050
00:56:43,793 --> 00:56:46,795
I've lost the other
nose tampon! Help!

1051
00:56:48,164 --> 00:56:50,300
I may have to pit
for another tampon.

1052
00:56:51,833 --> 00:56:53,170
Where am I going?

1053
00:56:54,836 --> 00:56:56,739
All right, James?

1054
00:56:56,806 --> 00:56:58,039
No.

1055
00:56:58,175 --> 00:56:59,708
No time to lose.

1056
00:57:02,811 --> 00:57:04,614
I've gone for
the super absorbent,

1057
00:57:04,681 --> 00:57:07,250
slightly larger nose tampons,

1058
00:57:07,317 --> 00:57:09,286
which I hope will last
a little longer.

1059
00:57:13,722 --> 00:57:16,393
Given that we were in
an endurance race,

1060
00:57:16,458 --> 00:57:19,695
our tactics so far
had been to protect our cars.

1061
00:57:21,630 --> 00:57:24,501
Reliability, that's what we need here.
That is everything.

1062
00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:26,068
That's what matters most.

1063
00:57:26,202 --> 00:57:29,771
But with the cars of the past
racking up so many laps,

1064
00:57:29,838 --> 00:57:31,840
we had to get the hammer down.

1065
00:57:34,110 --> 00:57:36,213
The MeaTI against the...

1066
00:57:36,246 --> 00:57:40,583
whatever that is -
1.6 litre Golf.

1067
00:57:40,650 --> 00:57:41,918
Yes!

1068
00:57:41,983 --> 00:57:43,753
Yes! I've got him!

1069
00:57:45,288 --> 00:57:47,923
Power sliding a hedge.

1070
00:57:47,989 --> 00:57:49,692
Come on!

1071
00:57:54,096 --> 00:57:56,233
Yes. Oh, yes.

1072
00:57:59,436 --> 00:58:01,503
I think I've done a lap.

1073
00:58:03,005 --> 00:58:07,244
With us three - well, two -
making good progress,

1074
00:58:07,309 --> 00:58:10,947
the cars from the past
started to play dirty.

1075
00:58:13,416 --> 00:58:15,585
That is out of order!
They are getting violent!

1076
00:58:18,320 --> 00:58:20,523
Oh! Oh, no!

1077
00:58:20,590 --> 00:58:22,291
I've lost a tampon again!

1078
00:58:24,893 --> 00:58:26,396
Who was that?

1079
00:58:26,463 --> 00:58:27,630
Think you can mess with us

1080
00:58:27,697 --> 00:58:29,398
just because we like
trees, do you?

1081
00:58:29,465 --> 00:58:32,469
That's out of order, mate.
You can't. Have that!

1082
00:58:39,275 --> 00:58:41,411
The bone is taking on the steel!

1083
00:58:43,945 --> 00:58:45,947
Although
we were holding our own,

1084
00:58:46,014 --> 00:58:49,885
the relentless pressure started
to take its toll on our vehicles.

1085
00:58:54,391 --> 00:58:55,925
I've lost part of the hat.

1086
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,996
I can smell...

1087
00:59:01,063 --> 00:59:02,632
What can I smell?

1088
00:59:04,099 --> 00:59:06,335
Is that from the exhaust?

1089
00:59:06,402 --> 00:59:10,706
With Hammond distracted by the hot
exhaust burning his bodywork,

1090
00:59:10,773 --> 00:59:12,974
it was all down to my cow car.

1091
00:59:16,478 --> 00:59:21,483
Good dicing here between
the past and the future.

1092
00:59:21,550 --> 00:59:23,920
It's neck and neck!

1093
00:59:25,186 --> 00:59:26,822
But then...

1094
00:59:26,889 --> 00:59:28,324
Oh, no! No!

1095
00:59:29,425 --> 00:59:30,592
Disaster!

1096
00:59:30,659 --> 00:59:32,394
Oh, hell.
I think it looks like

1097
00:59:32,461 --> 00:59:33,663
Jeremy's got trouble.

1098
00:59:35,632 --> 00:59:37,333
How do you peel a cow?

1099
00:59:38,934 --> 00:59:41,737
Having eventually got to
the overheating engine

1100
00:59:41,804 --> 00:59:45,942
and seen it had become a
production line for maggots...

1101
00:59:46,007 --> 00:59:48,510
...I decided to go off
and be sick.

1102
00:59:51,880 --> 00:59:56,853
Er... News from the Inaugural
Sustainable Motorsport Event

1103
00:59:56,918 --> 00:59:59,255
On A Sustainable Track,
or whatever it's called,

1104
00:59:59,356 --> 01:00:02,724
Jeremy Clarkson has retired
with a maggot infestation.

1105
01:00:04,494 --> 01:00:07,963
This meant all our hopes
rested with Richard Hammond

1106
01:00:08,030 --> 01:00:09,632
and his smouldering ark.

1107
01:00:12,601 --> 01:00:14,371
Yeah, you ran wide!

1108
01:00:14,436 --> 01:00:16,204
But then...

1109
01:00:16,271 --> 01:00:17,574
Oh, my God!

1110
01:00:19,307 --> 01:00:20,376
Oh, no!

1111
01:00:22,512 --> 01:00:26,815
Oh, no! More news from the Sustainable
Motorsport Challenge is that... Ow!

1112
01:00:26,882 --> 01:00:30,018
...Richard Hammond,
I believe, is on fire.

1113
01:00:30,085 --> 01:00:31,721
The garden centre is ablaze.

1114
01:00:33,322 --> 01:00:35,824
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, no!

1115
01:00:38,094 --> 01:00:39,496
That's gonna make it worse!

1116
01:00:41,797 --> 01:00:43,699
With Hammond's car on fire...

1117
01:00:45,134 --> 01:00:49,137
mine alive, and James's
disintegrating again...

1118
01:00:49,204 --> 01:00:50,840
Ow! Ow!

1119
01:00:50,907 --> 01:00:54,943
...we decided that environmentalism
simply doesn't work.

1120
01:00:56,177 --> 01:00:58,748
And with that, back to...

1121
01:00:58,815 --> 01:01:00,983
And with that, back to the tent.

1122
01:01:03,686 --> 01:01:04,887
Holy crap!

1123
01:01:11,193 --> 01:01:13,896
- No, it didn't work.
- No. So, there we are.

1124
01:01:16,432 --> 01:01:17,800
There we are,
we've looked into it.

1125
01:01:17,867 --> 01:01:19,268
We've looked into it thoroughly,

1126
01:01:19,335 --> 01:01:22,771
and I'm afraid we're all
doomed, we're all gonna die.

1127
01:01:22,838 --> 01:01:26,342
And on that terrible disappointment,
I'm afraid it's time to end.

1128
01:01:26,443 --> 01:01:27,943
See you next week. Goodbye!