1 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,594 Hello, everybody. 2 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,364 Hello. Thank you. 3 00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,138 Hello. 4 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,206 Thank you. 5 00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:14,575 Thank you so much. 6 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,210 Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Grand Tour, 7 00:01:17,277 --> 00:01:20,147 which, this week, comes from the Netherlands. 8 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,885 We're setting something of a record, actually, 9 00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:31,158 cos we are the first three British men ever to come here for a weekend 10 00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,161 and not vomit on a prostitute. 11 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,229 Actually, we love coming to Holland. 12 00:01:36,296 --> 00:01:37,965 James for his... for his own reasons. 13 00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:43,003 And I like it because the Dutch are officially 14 00:01:43,069 --> 00:01:45,173 the tallest people on earth. 15 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:46,906 It's true. True fact. 16 00:01:46,973 --> 00:01:49,509 - Yes, and I hate it here. - I'm sick of... 17 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:52,513 I'm sick of staring at belly buttons all day. 18 00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:57,950 The only problem I do have here is that I'm not allowed to use the word "swaffelen". 19 00:01:58,018 --> 00:01:59,353 - Yeah. 20 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:00,921 Well, you just did, didn't you? 21 00:02:00,987 --> 00:02:05,192 No, the thing is, OK, it is a really bad word here, 22 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,859 and I have no idea why. 23 00:02:06,926 --> 00:02:09,629 - What does it mean? - It means... 24 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,701 It means to bang your gentleman sausage... 25 00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,937 ...on the side of the Taj Mahal. 26 00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,938 Oh, God! 27 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,740 Anyway, listen. Erm... 28 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,478 We're in Rotterdam, which is a marvellous city, in fact, 29 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,614 because you aren't allowed to bring a car into the city - 30 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:31,252 a petrol car - if it was built before 1992. 31 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:35,622 You aren't allowed to bring a diesel car into the city if it was built before 2000, 32 00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:39,058 which means you're never held up by poor people. 33 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,932 -Really? -What else can we say about the Dutch? 34 00:02:44,997 --> 00:02:47,735 -Oh, of course, you gave the world speed cameras. -Oh, yeah. 35 00:02:47,800 --> 00:02:50,737 -So thank you very much for that. -Thank you. 36 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,973 No, actually, I'd far rather be pulled over 37 00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:56,543 by the actual Dutch police rather than a speed camera, 38 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:59,247 cos, boy, oh, boy, do these guys look good. 39 00:02:59,312 --> 00:03:00,313 -We've got a picture here. -Whoa! 40 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:06,854 I would very much like to see a lady policeman in an outfit like that. 41 00:03:06,919 --> 00:03:10,022 - It looks like the guy on the right already has. 42 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,925 - Shall we get on with the show... man? 43 00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:14,594 Yes, good idea. Er... 44 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:17,865 And coming up in our programme about cars this week... 45 00:03:19,165 --> 00:03:21,033 I try to pull a camel. 46 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:23,403 Come on. Come on. 47 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:25,639 A donkey pulls James. 48 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,443 And Richard gets stuck in a cow orgy. 49 00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:32,746 I-I really am alarmed. 50 00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:38,352 But first, there's been a bit of an argument in the office between these two. 51 00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,187 You see, Richard maintains 52 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:44,858 that the Mazda MX-5 is all the sports car you would ever need. 53 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,194 -Because it is. -Mm-hm. But James says it isn't. 54 00:03:48,295 --> 00:03:49,796 Because it isn't. 55 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,800 So we decided they should sort it out 56 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:58,406 by going to the obvious proving ground for all sports cars: 57 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,407 North Africa. 58 00:04:35,975 --> 00:04:37,677 This is it, 59 00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:42,350 the latest version of the bestselling two-seater roadster of all time. 60 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,452 And it's easy to see why. 61 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:47,053 Peppy little engine at the front, 62 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,423 two seats in the open air in the middle, rearwheel drive. 63 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:53,093 It's the perfect sports-car recipe. 64 00:04:53,159 --> 00:04:55,963 But layered on top of that in this new version 65 00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:58,432 you get air conditioning, heated seats, 66 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,834 lane-departure assist, cruise control, 67 00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:03,637 rain-sensing wipers, dusk-sensing headlamps. 68 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,838 You just can't do any better. 69 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,742 Well, you can, actually, because all of those luxury items you're mentioning now, 70 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:13,480 they just add weight, and they mean it isn't a true sports car any more. 71 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:14,981 -Yes, it is. -No, it isn't. 72 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:17,750 Colin Chapman, he was the bloke who founded Lotus, 73 00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:21,788 he said the ethos of a sports car is simplify and add lightness. 74 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,625 He didn't say you simplify and add electric windows. 75 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:29,196 Yep, and then he gave all his money away to a drug dealer called John DeLorean. 76 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,130 This, ladies and gentlemen, is what it's actually about. 77 00:05:31,197 --> 00:05:33,199 This is called the Zenos. 78 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:36,903 You get four wheels, you get somewhere to sit, an engine, and that's it. 79 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,505 It's a sports car. 80 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,641 -Yeah. What do you do if it rains? -Well, you'd get wet. 81 00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,644 What if you want to listen to the radio? 82 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,579 Why would I want to listen to the radio around here? 83 00:05:45,646 --> 00:05:47,279 -Does it have a heater? -No. 84 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,182 -Has it got windows? -Look, if you buy a football boot, 85 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,286 you don't expect it to be usable as a ballet shoe, do you? 86 00:05:53,420 --> 00:05:58,191 But Mazda has invented a football boot that you can wear to the opera. 87 00:05:58,257 --> 00:06:02,028 Look, I can guarantee that if you wear that shoe to the opera house... 88 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,863 At this point, the director said 89 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:06,899 he'd heard enough about shoes for one day... 90 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:12,639 ...and told us to go for a drive. 91 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:23,182 Right, now I'm away from Hammond's luxury sports car resort, 92 00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:26,454 let me tell you a little bit about this remarkable car. 93 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,122 It's powered by the 2L turbocharged engine 94 00:06:30,189 --> 00:06:33,726 from the Ford Focus ST, giving 250 horsepower. 95 00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:36,463 That's mounted in the middle, right behind my head there, 96 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,831 driving the rear wheels through a no-nonsense, 97 00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,168 old-school six-speed gearbox. 98 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,773 Now, 250 horsepower doesn't sound like a huge amount in the modern world, 99 00:06:45,838 --> 00:06:48,841 but this car, made with an aluminium spine 100 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:51,711 and composite tub, and all the rest of it, 101 00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:53,747 weighs less than three quarters of a tonne, 102 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,048 so it is genuinely quick. 103 00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:57,784 Look... Whoa! 104 00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,793 Yeah! 105 00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:15,735 It makes the noise of some futuristic propulsion system powered by antimatter. 106 00:07:21,173 --> 00:07:23,143 Yes! Electrifying! 107 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:35,154 James comes from a world where he wants his phone and his camera separate. 108 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,723 "I like a paper diary." 109 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,860 This Mazda is a smartphone. It does everything. 110 00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:47,067 It looks brilliant, it will be endlessly reliable, it's fast, 111 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,036 it's got speakers in the headrests, and it handles well. 112 00:07:54,206 --> 00:07:57,577 And you can get an MX-5 from £18,500. 113 00:07:57,644 --> 00:08:00,548 James's car starts at £33,000, 114 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,783 and you don't even get doors! 115 00:08:02,850 --> 00:08:05,218 My shed has got doors. 116 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,055 I furnish my cats with doors. 117 00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,656 You need doors. 118 00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:20,399 I bet he's being shaken to death in that thing. 119 00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:22,201 I bet Hammond thinks I'm being shaken to death in here, 120 00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:23,603 but actually he's wrong, 121 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,040 because this isn't like a BAC Mono or a Radical. 122 00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:30,442 It is obviously very much a car for taking on the track, 123 00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:32,379 but it's been tuned for road use. 124 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:33,647 It's quite supple. 125 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:34,815 See? Look. 126 00:08:34,881 --> 00:08:37,417 Bump. It's all right. 127 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,885 I'm very relaxed. 128 00:08:44,456 --> 00:08:47,027 Eventually, we pulled over for a cup of coffee 129 00:08:47,094 --> 00:08:49,261 and a bit more arguing about doors. 130 00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:53,066 Just because they had them in the 12th century 131 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,402 on cathedrals, whatever, you don't need them now. 132 00:08:55,467 --> 00:08:56,870 Don't be a slave to convention. 133 00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:59,005 But people had eyelids in the 12th century, 134 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,708 and nobody's deciding, "Let's get rid of those, they're old hat." 135 00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:04,211 "Oh, no! I've got dust in my eyes and I can't sleep." 136 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,413 That's completely facile, Hammond. You know exactly what I mean. 137 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,081 The door... I mean, Riva speedboats don't have doors. 138 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,618 You don't say... 139 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:13,485 This is lovely, isn't it? 140 00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:15,087 What are you doing here? 141 00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:17,725 Well, word reached me that you two were talking rubbish. 142 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:21,227 -What do you mean, "rubbish"? -Well, if you want the best sports car, 143 00:09:21,293 --> 00:09:23,831 you don't want a Mazda or a Zenos. You want-- 144 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,732 Oh, God. He's brought an Alfa Romeo. 145 00:09:25,798 --> 00:09:27,299 Yes, of course I have. 146 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:30,302 Alfa Romeo 4C Spider. 147 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:39,647 This is what I'm talking about. 148 00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:42,481 A symphony in carbon fibre. 149 00:09:42,548 --> 00:09:44,517 Balance personified. 150 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,953 The Graduate updated. 151 00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:49,923 A mini Ferrari, as cute as a bunny rabbit, 152 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:53,393 with the greatest badge in the history of mo-- 153 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,128 How much is it? 154 00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:58,665 -You know perfectly well how much it is. -Yeah, we've forgotten. 155 00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:00,833 Money is vulgar. 156 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:05,072 You can't put a price on something as exquisite as that. 157 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,340 Yeah, but Alfa Romeo did put a price on it, didn't they? 158 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,475 And what was it? 159 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:10,677 Sixty thousand pounds. 160 00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:14,147 So you could have both of our cars and everything in the back of shot 161 00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:16,283 for the price of one of these Alfa Romeos? 162 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,720 I know, it is extraordinary value for money. 163 00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:23,289 -It's too far from outside to inside. -It's miles! 164 00:10:23,355 --> 00:10:24,758 Yes, thick sills... 165 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,693 -Here we go. -...for strength. 166 00:10:26,759 --> 00:10:28,961 Look at this, rotary heater knobs. 167 00:10:29,028 --> 00:10:31,498 -It's like being in the 1970s. -Yeah, it is, actually. 168 00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:32,799 This handbrake, look at that. 169 00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:35,034 Is that fixed on or does that come off? 170 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:37,537 Alfa Romeo, purveyors of disappointment for nearly three decades. 171 00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,605 - Look at this. Classy. 172 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,241 Yeah. Feel the quality in that. Let me feel that. 173 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:45,111 Mm. Sixty thousand pounds?! 174 00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:46,413 - Mm. And this... 175 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,081 That's what you want to hear. 176 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,984 If you ever buy a new item of clothing, never show it these two. 177 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:55,154 "What are you wearing that jacket for? It makes you look like a German gameshow host." 178 00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:56,889 - That's satisfying. 179 00:10:56,956 --> 00:10:58,759 Why are you wearing that jacket? 180 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,994 Because I was at a party in India last night, 181 00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,461 and I've hurried over here. 182 00:11:02,528 --> 00:11:03,996 Why did you go to the party 183 00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,331 dressed as a German gameshow host? 184 00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,736 Soon, I grew weary of their abuse 185 00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:12,339 and set off in what, be in no doubt, 186 00:11:12,404 --> 00:11:16,543 is my favourite car on sale today. 187 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:22,615 I will admit, there are one or two tiny little problems with the 4C. 188 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,216 Trivial stuff. 189 00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:28,154 It's very wide. The gearbox is a little bit dim-witted. 190 00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:32,591 If you fit sports exhausts, the noise is catastrophic. 191 00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:35,028 The petrol tank... yeah, that's too small. 192 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:39,767 You've really only got a range of 300... yards. 193 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,969 And then there's the steering. 194 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:45,672 There's no power assistance, so it's incredibly heavy when you're parking, 195 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,775 there's no feel when you're on the move. 196 00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:50,543 And then, and this is its party piece, 197 00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:56,149 just occasionally, it'll go violently left or right for no reason. 198 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:59,286 Whoa! You see that? 199 00:11:59,351 --> 00:12:00,419 Bloody hell. 200 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:08,796 But look at it this way, we could all probably find fault with our children, 201 00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,464 and yet... we still love them. 202 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,870 Jeremy loves Alfa Romeos 203 00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:19,338 because, back in the old days, 204 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:22,109 they were great... but they're not any more. 205 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:26,013 Plenty of things were great. 206 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,547 Greece. 207 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,015 Rolf Harris. 208 00:12:29,982 --> 00:12:31,484 You can't love them now. 209 00:12:36,155 --> 00:12:38,057 Another small problem with the Alfa 210 00:12:38,125 --> 00:12:39,426 that I didn't mention earlier 211 00:12:39,491 --> 00:12:41,628 is that you get cramp after five minutes. 212 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:45,832 Ooh! Arg! 213 00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:47,835 I'm gonna have to stop and go for a walk, 214 00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,436 and they'll want to know why, 215 00:12:49,501 --> 00:12:52,504 and I'll have to tell them I need a wee or something. 216 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,974 No, diarrhoea. 217 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,408 Sorry, I've got to stop. I've got to stop. 218 00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:59,711 I'm just stopping for a minute here. Hang on. 219 00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:01,248 Why are you stopping for a minute? 220 00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:04,216 Ohhh! Nothing. 221 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:05,852 Well, why are you hopping about? 222 00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,687 Look at the snowy mountains. 223 00:13:08,754 --> 00:13:10,456 You are welcome to Morocco. 224 00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:13,659 Ah, merci, monsieur. Comment ça va? 225 00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:15,195 God above. 226 00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,664 -Have you got cramp? -No. 227 00:13:18,730 --> 00:13:20,232 Yes, you have. 228 00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:23,169 Right, good. Well, I've seen the view. 229 00:13:23,235 --> 00:13:26,239 I just wanted to see the view, and it's lovely. 230 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:34,881 Back on the road, James suddenly delivered 231 00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:38,150 a very un-James-manlike observation. 232 00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:41,553 My car is seriously quick! 233 00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,155 It's not as fast as this. 234 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,325 Yeah, I bet it is. 235 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:51,530 James, this has a turbocharged 1750cc engine 236 00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:53,033 from a Fiat Punto. 237 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:57,004 Mine's 2L with a twin-scroll turbocharger. 238 00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:02,142 Have you noticed Hammond is being strangely quiet on the subject of speed? 239 00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:05,011 Oh, just listening to you two bicker. 240 00:14:05,077 --> 00:14:08,115 I am a bit down on power, if I'm honest. 241 00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:14,153 I think Hammond's in a sort of retirement home for former distressed sports-car owners. 242 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,692 Right, next straight bit of road, James May, 243 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:25,032 I will pull over and show you what real speed is. 244 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,400 Cows. 245 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:31,004 On a roof rack. I've never seen that. 246 00:14:33,472 --> 00:14:37,277 Soon, we found a suitable stretch of road... 247 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,080 ...and Hammond agreed to be the starter. 248 00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:45,618 -I've got launch control. -Not interested. 249 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:50,756 Are you ready? Before anyone comes. 250 00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:53,994 In three, two, one, go! 251 00:14:59,765 --> 00:15:01,600 Well, now, that's just impossible! 252 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,207 It's the Zenos... 253 00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,677 which means James May has just won a drag race. 254 00:15:12,511 --> 00:15:17,017 But for me, that wasn't the biggest surprise. 255 00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:20,320 I don't understand why this lost, 256 00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:22,990 because instead of a conventional chassis, 257 00:15:23,023 --> 00:15:25,125 it has a carbon-fibre tub, 258 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,894 like you get in a Formula One car 259 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,996 or a McLaren P1. 260 00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:36,668 And a carbon-fibre tub makes a car... expensive, but light. 261 00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:38,837 Very light. 262 00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:41,607 I'm trying to work out why I lost that race. 263 00:15:41,673 --> 00:15:44,876 I think it's cos your car isn't as fast as mine. 264 00:15:45,011 --> 00:15:46,178 That was a factor. 265 00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:49,048 Yeah, but mine is so light. 266 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,383 How do you know it's light? 267 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,418 Every time Alfa say how much it weighs, 268 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,253 they give a different figure. 269 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,054 Yeah, that's because they've got 270 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:58,658 better things to do than go around weighing cars. 271 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,793 When Picasso had finished one of his paintings, 272 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:03,830 he didn't say, "Oh, I wonder how much that weighs." 273 00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:07,134 You need to know the weight of an Alfa for when you resell it, 274 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,735 because you buy scrap cars by weight. 275 00:16:11,437 --> 00:16:13,806 With the Zenos, that was built in Norfolk, 276 00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,908 so obviously they're gonna weigh it - there's nothing else to do. 277 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,044 This is from Milan. 278 00:16:18,077 --> 00:16:22,149 They finished making it, and then they went into town with one and pulled girls. 279 00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:25,817 It's massive and it's made of pig iron, 280 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,120 that's the problem. 281 00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:29,121 I can see the carbon fibre... 282 00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:33,259 The weight argument raged on for the rest of the journey. 283 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,563 So, that night, at the hotel, 284 00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:39,466 I came up with a plan. 285 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,068 I'm gonna weigh all three cars 286 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:45,871 to prove the Alfa's the lightest. 287 00:16:45,937 --> 00:16:49,176 The problem with your plan is that you'd need a weighbridge, and... 288 00:16:49,241 --> 00:16:50,543 -Yes. -Well, hang on. 289 00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,379 -Well, get one. -No, there isn't one. 290 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,713 I have got the hotel brochure here, actually, 291 00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,616 and, do you know, it's got three restaurants, 292 00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:02,455 a spa, and a gym, a business centre, tennis court. 293 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:03,923 Mm-hm. - But with one glaring omission. 294 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,791 -What? -There's no weighbridge. 295 00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:09,195 -No! -They haven't thought of that. I'd knock a star off. 296 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:12,265 I shall build one. 297 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,102 I shall build a weighbridge, and then you shall see. 298 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,708 -I will build a weighbridge. -That could have been 299 00:17:21,773 --> 00:17:26,913 a really useful and interesting test, and you've ruined it. 300 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,980 People are interested in Alfa Romeos! 301 00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:31,718 People are interested in murders, they don't want to see one. 302 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,820 Anyway, anyway, we'll have more of that later on, 303 00:17:34,886 --> 00:17:37,957 but first, it is now time for us to engage reverse 304 00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:42,229 and park neatly in a marked space on Conversation Street. 305 00:17:50,136 --> 00:17:55,607 Right, now, which nation on earth has the worst police cars? 306 00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:58,744 Oh, that's some good conversation. I like that one. 307 00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:01,748 The worst police cars, it's definitely not the Americans, is it, 308 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,284 because they have those Crown Vics, and they're rearwheel drive V8s. 309 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,520 -That's what you need. -They're good police cars. Not the Americans. 310 00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:11,990 -Erm... -It's us. It's the British. 311 00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:15,627 Yeah. We have those dreary little Vauxhall diesel Astras. 312 00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,063 Opels if you live here. 313 00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:19,731 Or, if you're in America, those miserable little Chevrolets 314 00:18:19,798 --> 00:18:21,534 that are actually Daewoos. It's awful. 315 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,269 Most countries around the world 316 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:25,672 would traditionally have always had a police car that was made there, 317 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:27,574 one of their own cars. Wouldn't they? 318 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,375 And the funny thing is, that's not what they used to do here. 319 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,410 -In Holland? -No. 320 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:32,345 You don't surprise me. 321 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:36,816 What they actually had for many years, about 30 years, was Porsches. 322 00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:39,852 -What? -The police used Porsches, yeah. Remember? Yeah. 323 00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,422 -Do you know, I'd forgotten. You're right, they did. -They did. 324 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,490 How did they persuade the government? 325 00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,026 It's masterful. It's genius. 326 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,627 Absolute respect to everybody who did it. 327 00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:51,298 What they did was say, "Right, we need... 328 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,932 Hm. I think we need a Porsche 329 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:56,001 because it's air-cooled and the engine is at the back, 330 00:18:56,067 --> 00:19:00,071 and that would be handy if we have to reverse at high speed for a long time." 331 00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:01,340 They actually said that? 332 00:19:01,407 --> 00:19:02,775 They did. And this gets better. 333 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,244 And I'm not making this up. They did say this. 334 00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,279 They need a car where you can remove the roof 335 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:11,384 so you can stand on the seats to address traffic in an emergency situation. 336 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,287 So what they need is a 911 Targa, 337 00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:16,855 and matching sunglasses, I presume, yes. 338 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,759 Did they also say, "And it comes with 911 on the back 339 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,627 which is our telephone number"? 340 00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:24,263 The thing is, it doesn't, and they're still at it, 341 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,798 because the cycle cops around here, 342 00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,034 and there's a lot of them, 343 00:19:28,099 --> 00:19:29,635 they managed to persuade the government 344 00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,005 that they need mountain bikes. 345 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:34,707 -What, here? -In Holland. 346 00:19:34,773 --> 00:19:37,410 It's the flattest country on earth 347 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,378 and they need mountain bikes! 348 00:19:39,445 --> 00:19:41,580 "Yes, I might see a mountain." What?! 349 00:19:42,815 --> 00:19:43,915 The best thing... 350 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:51,458 The best thing is, it gives us an opportunity to have one more look 351 00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:55,060 at a photograph of the Dutch mountain cop police. 352 00:19:55,126 --> 00:19:57,564 There they are. 353 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,699 - Now, I want to talk about otters. 354 00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:01,468 -What? -I want to talk about otters. 355 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,635 You see, a few years ago somebody in Holland 356 00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:08,474 worked out that there were only 185 otters in the entire country. 357 00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:10,041 Yeah, Jeremy, it's a car show. 358 00:20:10,108 --> 00:20:12,711 Bear with me, OK, because I've got the figures here. 359 00:20:12,778 --> 00:20:17,549 In 2014, 21 of these otters were run over. 360 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:22,255 OK? In 2015, 49 were run over. 361 00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:25,557 You only have 185 otters in the whole country, 362 00:20:25,625 --> 00:20:30,863 and in two years, you've flattened 70 of them under your cars. 363 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,333 - What is your problem with otters?! 364 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,667 The thing is that I don't want people to get the wrong impression. 365 00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:39,405 I don't want everyone to think that Dutch people go around murdering animals. 366 00:20:39,471 --> 00:20:40,772 Let me explain. 367 00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:45,176 Recently, the government here spent 150,000 euros, 368 00:20:45,243 --> 00:20:47,212 and that's £150,000, 369 00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:49,281 £160,000, £170,000... 370 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:51,049 That's Brexit for you. 371 00:20:51,116 --> 00:20:55,654 We can't even afford to put mayonnaise on our chips now any more. 372 00:20:55,721 --> 00:21:00,992 Er... Anyway, they spent 150,000 euros on a bridge over a road 373 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:02,729 so squirrels could cross safely. 374 00:21:02,795 --> 00:21:05,397 We've got a picture of the bridge. It's a substantial thing. 375 00:21:05,464 --> 00:21:07,133 You know this bridge? A famous bridge? 376 00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:10,102 -That's a squirrel bridge? -Yeah, it's a squirrel bridge. 377 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:13,905 Anyway, how many squirrels do you think have used it? 378 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,808 A squillion. 379 00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:19,979 I see where you're going with that one, James. No, it isn't. 380 00:21:20,046 --> 00:21:21,146 I've got the figures here. 381 00:21:21,212 --> 00:21:24,451 "CCTV footage has revealed, in 2014, 382 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,553 three squirrels used it. 383 00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:30,356 In 2015, it was used only twice." 384 00:21:30,423 --> 00:21:34,661 Well, why didn't the third squirrel use it again in 2015? 385 00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:36,929 -It probably got run over. -Yeah. 386 00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:39,798 By somebody mistaking him for an otter. 387 00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:41,032 Get it! Get it! 388 00:21:42,402 --> 00:21:44,036 Now... Er... 389 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:47,507 You've probably read the other day, the Dutch are taking a view 390 00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,675 on whether to allow people to... 391 00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:53,413 How can I put this? Assisted dying of somebody - 392 00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:56,749 feels as though their life is complete, OK? 393 00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,785 This is something that occupies me a lot, 394 00:21:58,851 --> 00:22:01,688 I'll be honest with you, because I sometimes think... 395 00:22:01,753 --> 00:22:04,155 "Oh, have I done enough now?" 396 00:22:04,222 --> 00:22:05,857 - Yes. - No. 397 00:22:07,058 --> 00:22:08,394 No, you know, when? 398 00:22:08,461 --> 00:22:10,195 When would it be appropriate for me to think, 399 00:22:10,261 --> 00:22:11,998 "Time to end." 400 00:22:12,064 --> 00:22:13,932 - Now. - No. 401 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:18,136 -May I get on with it? -Yeah, do. Do it now. 402 00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:20,972 No, what I want to say is, OK... 403 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:22,575 I'll get the forms, there can't be many. 404 00:22:22,642 --> 00:22:24,210 The time comes... Ssh! 405 00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:27,880 The time, I think, comes when you stop wanting to be an idiot. 406 00:22:27,946 --> 00:22:29,648 That's the time when you've done enough. 407 00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:31,683 - I know what you mean. - No, actually, you are right, 408 00:22:31,750 --> 00:22:34,252 cos I think it's the moment where you go into a big department store, 409 00:22:34,319 --> 00:22:38,257 and you go into the kitchenware section, and you see a tea cosy, 410 00:22:38,324 --> 00:22:39,791 but you don't put it on your head. 411 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,728 Exactly. 412 00:22:41,794 --> 00:22:44,763 Not putting things on your head is a sign it's time. 413 00:22:44,830 --> 00:22:47,500 And the time you don't want to put gloves on your ears 414 00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,435 and pretend to be a reindeer. 415 00:22:51,503 --> 00:22:54,441 -I think that's just you, Hammond. -It's just me, isn't it? 416 00:22:54,473 --> 00:22:56,442 Here's the moment I think you know. 417 00:22:56,509 --> 00:22:59,546 You're driving up a motorway. There's a train track next to you. 418 00:22:59,612 --> 00:23:02,048 A train comes. It could be one of those fast ones. 419 00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:05,351 The day when you don't try and race the train, 420 00:23:05,451 --> 00:23:06,685 that's the day. 421 00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:08,520 -Yes. -I have to race the train. 422 00:23:08,587 --> 00:23:10,490 I have to go faster than the train 423 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:12,290 so everyone on the train looks at me and goes, 424 00:23:12,357 --> 00:23:13,960 "I've made the wrong travel choice. 425 00:23:14,026 --> 00:23:16,061 "I should have gone in the car. It's quicker." 426 00:23:16,127 --> 00:23:19,198 If you're ever on a train and you look out of the window, 427 00:23:19,265 --> 00:23:22,000 you're overtaking me and I can't be bothered to race you, 428 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:26,638 it's because I'm on my way to the new Dutch death clinic. 429 00:23:26,705 --> 00:23:27,673 And that is the end of Conversation Street. 430 00:23:27,740 --> 00:23:29,642 Now, if you have children, 431 00:23:29,709 --> 00:23:32,511 there's every chance they'll spend every spare second they have 432 00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,012 playing Zombie Splatter 7 , 433 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,214 or some other such computer game, 434 00:23:36,281 --> 00:23:39,117 but what about more traditional board games? 435 00:23:39,184 --> 00:23:42,622 Kids these days say they're not interested in such games, 436 00:23:42,689 --> 00:23:46,258 but I believe they would be if they were bigger 437 00:23:46,325 --> 00:23:48,160 and involved cars. 438 00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:52,898 To prove our point, 439 00:23:52,964 --> 00:23:56,502 we've come here, to the countryside. 440 00:23:58,538 --> 00:24:00,405 And on the board-game front, 441 00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:02,273 we shall start with a classic. 442 00:24:02,340 --> 00:24:05,811 A game where two players try and guess where each other's ships are, 443 00:24:05,877 --> 00:24:09,048 and then blow them up by firing missiles at them. 444 00:24:09,115 --> 00:24:10,316 It's a simple game, 445 00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:13,318 and, as such, if you want to play it with cars, 446 00:24:13,384 --> 00:24:14,953 you don't need much. 447 00:24:17,288 --> 00:24:19,526 In fact, all you need 448 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:22,260 is a massive former Cold War airfield 449 00:24:22,327 --> 00:24:26,633 with enough tarmac to accommodate the board for your board game. 450 00:24:28,934 --> 00:24:31,303 With a big enough slab of airfield, 451 00:24:31,369 --> 00:24:32,971 you can then lay out your grid, 452 00:24:33,038 --> 00:24:35,541 onto which you can place your battleships. 453 00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:37,076 And all you need for that 454 00:24:37,143 --> 00:24:40,246 is several thousand pounds' worth of old cars. 455 00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:43,615 But not any old cars. 456 00:24:43,682 --> 00:24:45,317 This stretch limo, for example, 457 00:24:45,384 --> 00:24:49,055 may have seen active service on hundreds of hen nights, 458 00:24:49,121 --> 00:24:53,092 but it makes the perfect aircraft carrier. 459 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:55,060 And then there's this Toyota Prius. 460 00:24:55,126 --> 00:24:58,064 Its electric engine makes it perfect as a submarine, 461 00:24:58,130 --> 00:24:59,632 silent running. 462 00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:03,068 And then there's this Chrysler PT Cruiser convertible. 463 00:25:03,134 --> 00:25:05,837 There is no naval equivalent for this car, 464 00:25:05,904 --> 00:25:07,272 but who cares if we blow it up? 465 00:25:07,338 --> 00:25:09,576 Because it is, after all, crap. 466 00:25:09,576 --> 00:25:15,446 And speaking of blowing up, we now come to the missiles. 467 00:25:15,582 --> 00:25:20,152 For these, you need a car that is frightening and lethal. 468 00:25:20,219 --> 00:25:24,656 A car that strikes fear into other motorists. 469 00:25:24,723 --> 00:25:27,459 And what better car could there be for this job 470 00:25:27,594 --> 00:25:29,796 than the magnificent G-Wiz? 471 00:25:30,997 --> 00:25:33,432 All I needed now was an opponent, 472 00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:35,201 a board-game veteran, 473 00:25:35,267 --> 00:25:38,136 a man who thinks Call Of Duty 474 00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,306 is a visit to the lavatory. 475 00:25:40,372 --> 00:25:42,974 That's excellent, Hammond. You've thought of everything. 476 00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:45,612 I know, I have. Containers as the fence. 477 00:25:45,644 --> 00:25:47,846 A fireman, in case things get out of hand. 478 00:25:47,913 --> 00:25:50,682 A health-and-safety bloke to stop us blowing ourselves up. 479 00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:53,885 Cars that look exactly like ships. The lot. 480 00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,122 But how will you fire the missiles at the cars? 481 00:25:56,188 --> 00:26:00,660 Well, that is the real genius in my plan. 482 00:26:00,727 --> 00:26:02,994 Easy, powerful and proven. 483 00:26:03,061 --> 00:26:05,897 Fire the G-Wiz missiles with the movie cannon. 484 00:26:05,964 --> 00:26:08,968 -You reckon that's accurate enough? -Well, it's a cannon. 485 00:26:09,035 --> 00:26:10,903 But you've got to hit a specific square. 486 00:26:10,970 --> 00:26:14,707 You aim the cannon. You adjust the trajectory and the elevation. 487 00:26:14,773 --> 00:26:17,644 -You can work that out? -It's a cannon. 488 00:26:17,644 --> 00:26:20,779 To shut James up, I took one of the spare cars 489 00:26:20,846 --> 00:26:22,949 to demonstrate a practice shot. 490 00:26:24,282 --> 00:26:25,917 Right, we're all set. 491 00:26:25,984 --> 00:26:28,354 It's fully charged. Pressure's good. Fire. 492 00:26:38,830 --> 00:26:42,334 I had a better idea for the weapons-launching system. 493 00:26:56,682 --> 00:26:58,150 So, there you go. 494 00:26:58,217 --> 00:27:00,551 You call out the grid reference that you want, 495 00:27:00,686 --> 00:27:03,923 and the driver just manoeuvres the jib exactly over that square, 496 00:27:03,990 --> 00:27:05,692 and then drops the G-Wiz missile. 497 00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:08,326 It is absolutely unerringly accurate. 498 00:27:08,394 --> 00:27:09,961 I like that. 499 00:27:10,028 --> 00:27:13,732 Unlike everything else I've done here, with all this stuff, 500 00:27:13,799 --> 00:27:17,970 this is all things you can do at home in your garden. 501 00:27:18,037 --> 00:27:20,006 With the giant containers 502 00:27:20,071 --> 00:27:25,176 making sure neither of us could see what the other was doing, 503 00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:29,414 ...James and I moved our battleships into place. 504 00:27:31,416 --> 00:27:35,788 And with the board laid out, it was time to play. 505 00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:39,157 Right, the hen-night limos each require two hits to be sunk. 506 00:27:39,224 --> 00:27:43,095 Both the motorhomes, they each require two hits to be sunk as well. 507 00:27:43,162 --> 00:27:45,932 And then my Prius and your PT Cruiser, 508 00:27:45,998 --> 00:27:48,099 they each require one to be sunk. 509 00:27:48,166 --> 00:27:50,769 We've got ten G-Wiz missiles each. 510 00:27:50,836 --> 00:27:52,971 Five hits needed to win. Got it? 511 00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:55,540 Yes, right. 512 00:27:55,606 --> 00:27:59,244 Having won the toss, James would be first to fire, 513 00:27:59,310 --> 00:28:02,381 but I had a cunning plan to thwart him. 514 00:28:02,448 --> 00:28:06,952 What I've done is put a couple of my ships right out on the edges, 515 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:10,455 because James will think, "Hammond's a bit thick, 516 00:28:10,521 --> 00:28:13,792 and it's a typically amateurish tactic to put your ships on the edge, 517 00:28:13,859 --> 00:28:15,126 so that's what he'll have done." 518 00:28:15,193 --> 00:28:17,128 But then he'll think, "Hang on. 519 00:28:17,195 --> 00:28:19,131 Even Hammond's not that thick. 520 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:21,333 He just wants me to think he's thick, 521 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:24,002 so he'll have put his cars in the middle." 522 00:28:24,069 --> 00:28:26,637 James will then not go for the edges, 523 00:28:26,772 --> 00:28:28,273 he'll go for the middle. 524 00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:31,076 But my ships will be at the edges. 525 00:28:31,143 --> 00:28:34,680 It's like a... double, or even a triple bluff. 526 00:28:34,780 --> 00:28:36,347 Now, Hammond is a bit thick, really, 527 00:28:36,414 --> 00:28:39,417 so I reckon he'll have put his all around the edges. 528 00:28:41,653 --> 00:28:43,890 D2, please. 529 00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:48,359 Fire! 530 00:28:58,938 --> 00:29:02,808 -What was that? -It was my limo. 531 00:29:02,842 --> 00:29:06,144 Hit on your limo on D2, thank you. Your shot. 532 00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:13,684 Red crane driver, I'd like C4, please. C4. 533 00:29:13,819 --> 00:29:15,054 Fire! 534 00:29:21,827 --> 00:29:24,663 That's a miss. 535 00:29:24,730 --> 00:29:27,598 C4, miss. 536 00:29:27,665 --> 00:29:29,167 Back to my original theory. 537 00:29:29,234 --> 00:29:30,568 Hammond will have gone along the edge, 538 00:29:30,635 --> 00:29:31,837 I'm pretty confident in that. 539 00:29:31,903 --> 00:29:34,506 So is it there, or is it there? 540 00:29:34,573 --> 00:29:39,144 Green crane driver, fire at D1. 541 00:29:39,211 --> 00:29:40,346 Fire! 542 00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:50,622 -Yes! -You sank my limousine! 543 00:29:50,689 --> 00:29:56,394 One sinking to me, a miss for Admiral Hammond. 544 00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:59,030 And you've overdone the explosives. 545 00:30:01,299 --> 00:30:03,368 One plan would be, if you're playing this at home, 546 00:30:03,434 --> 00:30:06,305 do it on a day when there's a lot of barbecues in the area. 547 00:30:06,372 --> 00:30:08,374 That way, people will just think, "Well, yeah, 548 00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,242 it's a big barbecue they're having next door." 549 00:30:12,644 --> 00:30:14,512 With my aircraft carrier gone 550 00:30:14,579 --> 00:30:19,184 and James's fleet unscathed, I had to break my duck. 551 00:30:19,250 --> 00:30:22,153 I'd like you to hit B2, please. 552 00:30:25,523 --> 00:30:26,893 Damn! 553 00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:28,359 B2. Well... 554 00:30:28,426 --> 00:30:30,429 Well, there's no... Where are they?! 555 00:30:30,496 --> 00:30:31,797 I've just got a feeling. 556 00:30:31,864 --> 00:30:34,901 B1. B1, please. 557 00:30:42,340 --> 00:30:45,477 Red crane driver, can I have square A1? 558 00:30:47,913 --> 00:30:49,414 Fire! 559 00:30:53,085 --> 00:30:54,653 Oooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo! 560 00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,422 Yes! Come on! 561 00:30:56,488 --> 00:30:59,825 Oh, you are on the run! That is it! Want to give up? 562 00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:02,127 You've sunk my Cruiser. 563 00:31:02,193 --> 00:31:07,032 So that's a big red kill on A1. Boom! 564 00:31:07,098 --> 00:31:10,036 But James wasn't taking this lying down. 565 00:31:11,670 --> 00:31:14,440 C3. Fire! 566 00:31:18,410 --> 00:31:19,510 Yes! 567 00:31:19,577 --> 00:31:20,578 You hit my submarine, 568 00:31:20,645 --> 00:31:22,949 my invisible, silent-running Prius. 569 00:31:25,284 --> 00:31:27,219 I am losing badly. 570 00:31:27,286 --> 00:31:29,989 I've scored only one hit, he's scored three. 571 00:31:31,257 --> 00:31:33,325 But then the game started to turn, 572 00:31:33,392 --> 00:31:36,761 as James had a run of three straight misses. 573 00:31:36,827 --> 00:31:38,197 Fire! 574 00:31:46,837 --> 00:31:48,539 It was a miss! Ha-ha! 575 00:31:48,606 --> 00:31:51,009 Thank you. I'm closing down my options. 576 00:31:51,076 --> 00:31:55,814 It would close your options down further if you were to hit rather than miss. 577 00:31:55,881 --> 00:31:59,684 Which was exactly what I was now doing. 578 00:31:59,750 --> 00:32:00,987 B3, please. 579 00:32:04,490 --> 00:32:06,224 A3, please. 580 00:32:10,528 --> 00:32:11,797 Yes! 581 00:32:11,863 --> 00:32:14,333 You've sunk my battleship. 582 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:16,567 I am raining down destruction 583 00:32:16,634 --> 00:32:19,171 on your dwindling fleet of doomed ships. 584 00:32:19,238 --> 00:32:20,672 You loser. Ha-ha! 585 00:32:20,739 --> 00:32:23,509 No, I'm not losing. We're neck and neck. 586 00:32:24,710 --> 00:32:27,113 Annoyingly, James was right. 587 00:32:27,179 --> 00:32:29,681 I still had my battleship Winnebago, 588 00:32:29,748 --> 00:32:32,851 and he still had his stretched aircraft carrier, 589 00:32:32,917 --> 00:32:36,688 both of which needed two hits to destroy. 590 00:32:36,755 --> 00:32:38,490 It was May's turn to play. 591 00:32:41,027 --> 00:32:42,394 B2. 592 00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:45,030 Critical stage of the game now. 593 00:32:45,030 --> 00:32:46,731 A hit now and I'm in trouble. 594 00:32:47,932 --> 00:32:49,335 Fire! 595 00:32:50,536 --> 00:32:51,569 Come on. 596 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,242 Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! 597 00:32:57,308 --> 00:33:00,578 It shouldn't feel so good, but it does. 598 00:33:01,680 --> 00:33:03,281 Oh. 599 00:33:06,051 --> 00:33:08,354 It's gonna be here. 600 00:33:08,420 --> 00:33:11,522 Red crane, target C1, please. C1. 601 00:33:13,625 --> 00:33:14,625 Fire! 602 00:33:18,064 --> 00:33:20,531 Hard luck, Horatio Hammond. 603 00:33:22,968 --> 00:33:24,769 All I've got to do now, 604 00:33:24,836 --> 00:33:26,771 get inside Richard Hammond's mind. 605 00:33:26,837 --> 00:33:30,942 An awful place, admittedly, but if I can just get in there for a second, 606 00:33:31,076 --> 00:33:32,743 which way has he put it? 607 00:33:32,810 --> 00:33:35,346 There and there; there and there; there and there? 608 00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:43,255 C2. 609 00:33:48,094 --> 00:33:49,361 Fire! 610 00:33:55,366 --> 00:33:57,568 That'll be a miss. 611 00:33:59,704 --> 00:34:04,476 That, Captain May, was a miss! 612 00:34:07,479 --> 00:34:12,251 However, while James now had to choose between just two squares, 613 00:34:12,318 --> 00:34:14,786 I was looking at a choice of six. 614 00:34:16,155 --> 00:34:19,291 Red crane, target C2, please. C2. 615 00:34:24,230 --> 00:34:27,132 Red crane, fire! 616 00:34:27,166 --> 00:34:28,699 I meant C3! I meant... 617 00:34:33,572 --> 00:34:34,773 Yes! 618 00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:38,143 Oh, yes! Yes! 619 00:34:38,210 --> 00:34:40,679 Bollocks. 620 00:34:40,746 --> 00:34:44,815 That mistaken shot wasn't just a hit, 621 00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:46,952 it had changed everything. 622 00:34:47,018 --> 00:34:49,788 Because I said C2, when actually I meant three, 623 00:34:49,855 --> 00:34:51,722 in case it was there, 624 00:34:51,789 --> 00:34:53,224 that's a kill - bang - 625 00:34:53,291 --> 00:34:54,860 which means it has to be there. 626 00:34:54,925 --> 00:34:57,262 It can't be here or here, so I've got him. 627 00:34:57,329 --> 00:34:59,297 James, you do know what that means, don't you? 628 00:34:59,364 --> 00:35:00,931 Yes, I've just worked it out. 629 00:35:00,998 --> 00:35:03,534 I've got to get this right, otherwise you've won. 630 00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:07,606 -Do you want to surrender? -No, I don't! 631 00:35:07,672 --> 00:35:10,509 So, I was now faced with the choice 632 00:35:10,576 --> 00:35:12,744 that would decide the game. 633 00:35:14,179 --> 00:35:17,648 A2 or B3? 634 00:35:17,715 --> 00:35:20,518 A2, B3. What would Richard Hammond do? 635 00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:24,556 Green-crane driver... 636 00:35:28,693 --> 00:35:29,894 Oh, God. 637 00:35:34,300 --> 00:35:36,835 Come on, you bewildered old spaniel - miss. 638 00:35:39,237 --> 00:35:41,440 Right. Fire! 639 00:35:54,985 --> 00:35:57,623 Yes! Yes! 640 00:35:57,688 --> 00:35:58,757 Ha-ha! 641 00:36:02,228 --> 00:36:04,563 Oh, God! 642 00:36:04,630 --> 00:36:05,797 Ha-ha-ha! 643 00:36:05,864 --> 00:36:06,998 Yes! 644 00:36:09,235 --> 00:36:10,436 Hammond! 645 00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:14,373 Best of three? 646 00:36:17,876 --> 00:36:20,144 I bet... 647 00:36:20,246 --> 00:36:23,349 I bet the makers of Sony PlayStation are quaking in their boots. 648 00:36:23,414 --> 00:36:25,016 Well, I wouldn't be surprised. 649 00:36:25,083 --> 00:36:27,518 -They will go, "Oh, my..." -I know. There's the future. 650 00:36:27,585 --> 00:36:30,688 -That was a total waste of time. -Well, now, hang on. 651 00:36:30,755 --> 00:36:34,393 No, we destroyed a PT Cruiser, a Prius and many G-Wizs. 652 00:36:34,460 --> 00:36:36,728 Well, that's true, yes. But James... 653 00:36:36,795 --> 00:36:38,163 James? 654 00:36:40,065 --> 00:36:45,471 Never mind. Let's move on to Celebrity Brain Crash. 655 00:36:51,277 --> 00:36:52,978 Yeah. Now... 656 00:36:55,780 --> 00:36:57,516 This week... 657 00:36:57,583 --> 00:37:00,652 This week, we don't just have one star, 658 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:02,487 we have several. 659 00:37:02,554 --> 00:37:04,356 They're one of the biggest bands 660 00:37:04,422 --> 00:37:06,391 ever to come out of Holland, 661 00:37:06,458 --> 00:37:07,659 and they're going to begin here, 662 00:37:07,726 --> 00:37:12,297 in the sixth largest port in the world... 663 00:37:12,297 --> 00:37:13,798 by performing their biggest hit, 664 00:37:13,864 --> 00:37:16,367 by which I mean... their hit. 665 00:37:16,434 --> 00:37:19,137 Ladies and gentlemen, Golden Earring! 666 00:37:21,306 --> 00:37:22,407 And there they are. 667 00:37:22,474 --> 00:37:23,809 I tell you what, 668 00:37:23,875 --> 00:37:25,876 we ought to make the lights go a bit better. 669 00:37:25,943 --> 00:37:28,847 Can we dim the lights? That's better. A bit more rock 'n' roll. 670 00:37:28,914 --> 00:37:30,081 What is their hit? 671 00:37:30,148 --> 00:37:33,217 Well, this is Holland, birthplace of the speed camera. 672 00:37:33,318 --> 00:37:35,052 It's obvious. Radar Love. 673 00:37:49,335 --> 00:37:50,702 Oh... 674 00:37:51,902 --> 00:37:54,840 OK, ladies and gentlemen, erm... 675 00:37:54,905 --> 00:37:58,344 ...there's a cable's gone into the sea here, and... 676 00:37:58,344 --> 00:38:00,911 ...Golden Earring have been electrocuted. 677 00:38:02,581 --> 00:38:04,416 Does that mean they're not coming on, then? 678 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:07,818 Well, James, they've been subjected to a lethal dose of electricity 679 00:38:07,885 --> 00:38:10,822 and are now lying on the ground, sizzling, so it's no. 680 00:38:10,889 --> 00:38:12,958 -They're not, no. -OK, OK. 681 00:38:13,023 --> 00:38:15,927 That is a very grisly scene. I apologise for that, everybody. 682 00:38:15,994 --> 00:38:18,028 Erm... Probably not as grisly, though, 683 00:38:18,096 --> 00:38:21,065 as if you're looking at us from out there. 684 00:38:21,132 --> 00:38:22,768 -Eh? -Well, think about it. 685 00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:26,103 -Oh, yeah! -Yeah. 686 00:38:26,170 --> 00:38:28,907 We are standing in a window in a Dutch port, 687 00:38:28,974 --> 00:38:30,041 bathed in red light... 688 00:38:31,443 --> 00:38:33,143 ...and we've got no trade lining up. 689 00:38:33,210 --> 00:38:34,512 -Nobody's here. -No. 690 00:38:34,579 --> 00:38:36,748 No, I know! I know! I've had an idea. 691 00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:39,751 I've had an idea of how we can fill the time 692 00:38:39,818 --> 00:38:42,253 that would have been taken up by the late Golden Earring. 693 00:38:42,387 --> 00:38:44,021 You see, the thing is... 694 00:38:44,088 --> 00:38:46,757 Can we make the lights go white again now? Pretend that never happened. 695 00:38:46,824 --> 00:38:48,960 Good. See, the thing is that, in Holland, 696 00:38:49,027 --> 00:38:51,730 there are these motorist accessory stores, OK? 697 00:38:51,797 --> 00:38:54,164 -Oh, yeah. -They're open all night. The place is full. 698 00:38:54,231 --> 00:38:57,503 We went to one last night and bought a load of amazing stuff 699 00:38:57,568 --> 00:39:00,137 you can use on the road. 700 00:39:00,204 --> 00:39:02,440 Bring it over here. Let's show you a couple of things, 701 00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:03,541 I mean, this, for example. 702 00:39:03,608 --> 00:39:05,076 It's an incredible safety device. 703 00:39:05,143 --> 00:39:06,612 Yeah. 704 00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:10,416 This is very clever, because in a lot of car crashes, 705 00:39:10,416 --> 00:39:12,650 people bite their tongues, sometimes off. 706 00:39:12,717 --> 00:39:15,487 But by wearing this neat safety device, 707 00:39:15,554 --> 00:39:16,855 no way is he biting his tongue. 708 00:39:16,922 --> 00:39:18,789 Look at that! Perfectly safe. That is clever. 709 00:39:18,856 --> 00:39:20,626 Unbelievable. And then you can get traffic cones 710 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,760 that fit in the glovebox. 711 00:39:22,827 --> 00:39:24,463 This is one here. 712 00:39:26,030 --> 00:39:28,500 Yeah. - It's not funny stuff, this is safety material. 713 00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:32,103 -Another one. -These are compact, so you can fit them in your boot. 714 00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,706 The thing is, though, OK, in America, 715 00:39:34,773 --> 00:39:37,543 as I'm sure you know, there are high-occupancy vehicle lanes. 716 00:39:37,608 --> 00:39:40,177 Er... You're not allowed to go in them 717 00:39:40,244 --> 00:39:42,713 unless you've got two or more people in the car. 718 00:39:42,780 --> 00:39:44,449 We've always been very worried in Europe 719 00:39:44,449 --> 00:39:46,452 that this idea is gonna come over here, 720 00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:48,753 but the Dutch have it covered, 721 00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:51,657 because in these motorist accessory shops, 722 00:39:51,722 --> 00:39:53,592 you can buy inflatable people. 723 00:39:53,659 --> 00:39:55,193 We've got one here. 724 00:39:55,260 --> 00:39:57,295 -Very clever, this. Very clever. -Isn't it? 725 00:39:57,362 --> 00:40:00,264 The only slight issue is they do take a lot of effort to blow up. 726 00:40:00,331 --> 00:40:01,967 It's hard work doing. 727 00:40:02,032 --> 00:40:04,936 It doesn't matter, though, because here's the thing. 728 00:40:05,003 --> 00:40:07,606 OK, if you arrive at one of those 729 00:40:07,672 --> 00:40:09,708 high-occupancy vehicle lanes, 730 00:40:09,775 --> 00:40:11,943 then you pull over on the hard shoulder - 731 00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:14,480 just pass the Dutchie on the left-hand side here - 732 00:40:14,545 --> 00:40:16,981 and then use your engine to blow up 733 00:40:17,047 --> 00:40:19,117 your inflatable person. 734 00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:24,289 So I'm going to do that now, just to show you how unbelievably easy this is. 735 00:40:24,355 --> 00:40:25,757 Are we ready? 736 00:40:25,824 --> 00:40:28,126 I'll just er... put a bit of fuel in there. 737 00:40:28,193 --> 00:40:29,860 And here we go. 738 00:40:29,927 --> 00:40:32,764 Why have you put your fingers in your ears? It's only a V8. 739 00:40:32,831 --> 00:40:34,364 It's virtually silent. 740 00:40:36,300 --> 00:40:37,735 Here we go. 741 00:40:38,836 --> 00:40:40,905 Behold. 742 00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,943 What the...? 743 00:40:58,289 --> 00:40:59,958 Right, the erm... 744 00:41:00,025 --> 00:41:02,327 The inflatable person has split. There's-- 745 00:41:02,527 --> 00:41:04,228 Oh, dear. 746 00:41:04,295 --> 00:41:05,697 Mine's all right. 747 00:41:07,197 --> 00:41:10,135 Let's move on, shall we? Tonight we are in Morocco, 748 00:41:10,201 --> 00:41:15,541 for what was supposed to be a sensible sports-car test of my Mazda MX-5 749 00:41:15,574 --> 00:41:19,177 versus Bob Marley's Norfolk-built Zenos. 750 00:41:19,244 --> 00:41:23,213 Unfortunately, the ape turned up, uninvited, 751 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:25,983 in a ridiculously expensive Alfa Romeo. 752 00:41:26,050 --> 00:41:27,585 Yes, I did. 753 00:41:27,652 --> 00:41:29,219 And when we left the action, 754 00:41:29,286 --> 00:41:32,990 I decided to see which of the cars was the lightest 755 00:41:33,057 --> 00:41:35,760 by building some rudimentary scales - 756 00:41:35,827 --> 00:41:40,565 a job that these two thought would be... beyond me. 757 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:49,775 Despite the cynicism of my colleagues, 758 00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,811 the next morning, my scales were ready. 759 00:42:03,822 --> 00:42:05,757 -Wow. -Yeah. 760 00:42:05,824 --> 00:42:10,628 Even more startling was Jeremy's choice of counterweight. 761 00:42:10,695 --> 00:42:12,496 How are you gonna get it on there? 762 00:42:12,597 --> 00:42:14,599 -It's gonna jump. -Oh, yeah, they're big jumpers, cows. 763 00:42:14,599 --> 00:42:15,701 -Look, it wants to. -He's limbering up, 764 00:42:15,766 --> 00:42:17,603 he's getting ready, you can tell. 765 00:42:17,603 --> 00:42:20,304 -Up you come. -It's not gonna jump. They can't jump. 766 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:22,940 Up you come. 767 00:42:23,007 --> 00:42:25,811 On the off chance that this isn't a jumping cow, 768 00:42:25,876 --> 00:42:28,646 which it might not be, I think you need a ramp. 769 00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,617 You hold that. I shall go and make a ramp. 770 00:42:31,682 --> 00:42:33,251 -Hello. Hello. -Hello, nice cow. 771 00:42:33,318 --> 00:42:36,353 Oh, it's bonded with you, Jeremy. It's bonded. 772 00:42:36,420 --> 00:42:38,856 Soon, without any help at all, 773 00:42:38,923 --> 00:42:41,760 I had fashioned a makeshift ramp. 774 00:42:43,862 --> 00:42:44,963 Very good. Well done. 775 00:42:45,030 --> 00:42:46,864 That was quick and effective. 776 00:42:46,931 --> 00:42:50,101 Unfortunately, the cow had wandered off, 777 00:42:50,168 --> 00:42:53,438 so I had to draft in a substitute. 778 00:42:53,503 --> 00:42:55,273 Go on, camel. 779 00:42:55,340 --> 00:42:56,641 -Come on, camel. -Come on. 780 00:42:56,641 --> 00:42:58,208 Come on, camel. Come on. 781 00:42:59,811 --> 00:43:01,646 Come on. Come on. 782 00:43:01,646 --> 00:43:03,782 He's not gonna go on. 783 00:43:03,849 --> 00:43:05,550 Up you come. Come on. 784 00:43:05,650 --> 00:43:07,251 Come on. Can you push him? Oh, no. 785 00:43:07,318 --> 00:43:10,889 Not really, cos they kick your balls off if you do that. Let me... 786 00:43:10,956 --> 00:43:13,759 David Attenborough has never said that. 787 00:43:13,824 --> 00:43:16,795 Eventually, I had some success. 788 00:43:16,862 --> 00:43:18,262 This is good. We are getting there. 789 00:43:18,329 --> 00:43:20,530 We are building up a big Christmas dinner. 790 00:43:20,666 --> 00:43:24,202 And then the original cow came back. 791 00:43:25,469 --> 00:43:27,237 - Come on. - Dr Thinklittle. 792 00:43:27,304 --> 00:43:30,440 Come on. Come on. My camel's going over here. 793 00:43:30,507 --> 00:43:31,842 Good cow. 794 00:43:33,945 --> 00:43:36,280 -Tragically, however... -...it's not enough. 795 00:43:36,347 --> 00:43:38,949 Could you go and get another cow? 796 00:43:39,918 --> 00:43:41,753 Come on, small cow. 797 00:43:41,820 --> 00:43:43,420 He's on. Right, excellent. 798 00:43:43,487 --> 00:43:44,789 -Good, good, good. -Jeremy? 799 00:43:44,856 --> 00:43:46,257 -Yes? -This is far... 800 00:43:46,324 --> 00:43:49,193 -Oh, my God! -I don't want to be here for this! 801 00:43:49,260 --> 00:43:52,163 I'm on some scales. Its carrot's come out. 802 00:43:52,230 --> 00:43:54,231 -Are they both boy cows? -Yeah, they're both boys. 803 00:43:54,298 --> 00:43:57,835 Yeah. Oh, no. This is quite bad. 804 00:43:57,902 --> 00:43:59,570 -I'm... Yeah. -I really am alarmed. 805 00:43:59,704 --> 00:44:01,706 I'm stuck on a porn set. 806 00:44:03,340 --> 00:44:05,275 Am I part of this? Is this a threesome? 807 00:44:05,342 --> 00:44:07,545 He's trod on a turk... No, he hasn't. 808 00:44:07,612 --> 00:44:11,016 More importantly, the whole cast of our porn film 809 00:44:11,081 --> 00:44:14,351 still weighed less than the Mazda. 810 00:44:14,418 --> 00:44:16,855 Chickens. Hello, chickies. 811 00:44:16,922 --> 00:44:18,489 -It's not enough, is it? -No. 812 00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:22,293 It doesn't make... Jeremy, this is complete nonsense. 813 00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,262 Cow sex! No! 814 00:44:25,530 --> 00:44:28,099 Come on, we go. On you go. 815 00:44:28,166 --> 00:44:29,900 I'm not convinced that this isn't... 816 00:44:29,967 --> 00:44:31,769 Oh, the goat's escaped. 817 00:44:31,836 --> 00:44:34,371 At this stage, we explained to Jeremy 818 00:44:34,438 --> 00:44:38,309 that animals cannot be used as counterweights. 819 00:44:38,376 --> 00:44:40,045 Right, no, you may have a point. 820 00:44:40,110 --> 00:44:42,748 I think it's better if I kill them. 821 00:44:42,813 --> 00:44:45,250 -What? -Well, if they're dead, they won't mind. 822 00:44:47,318 --> 00:44:50,755 This plan made the job much easier. 823 00:44:52,523 --> 00:44:53,759 Oh, hello! 824 00:44:53,791 --> 00:44:56,327 My experiment has worked. 825 00:44:56,393 --> 00:44:57,494 Wow! We have a figure. 826 00:44:57,561 --> 00:44:59,898 For the record, it weighs two cows, 827 00:44:59,965 --> 00:45:01,967 two legs of cows - brackets, rear - 828 00:45:02,032 --> 00:45:03,467 one camel and three goats. 829 00:45:03,534 --> 00:45:05,070 That's incredible! 830 00:45:05,135 --> 00:45:07,338 The most exciting thing I've ever been involved in. 831 00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:11,777 Having established the weight of the Mazda, 832 00:45:11,777 --> 00:45:13,945 it was time to do the Zenos. 833 00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,784 Hammond, reverse off down my superb ramp. 834 00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:21,987 -Whoa! It's... -I'm gonna walk this way. 835 00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:24,289 Why is it doing that? James counterbalances with you. 836 00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:26,391 Hang on. That's not gone well. 837 00:45:26,456 --> 00:45:28,326 - Yeah, it has. - No, it's moved! 838 00:45:29,795 --> 00:45:32,663 Oh, this is... Now the back wheels have come off! 839 00:45:32,797 --> 00:45:34,800 Somebody get on! The whole crew! 840 00:45:36,201 --> 00:45:37,635 What's happened? 841 00:45:37,702 --> 00:45:39,369 - Oh, God! 842 00:45:39,436 --> 00:45:41,672 No, there's no point doing that, Hammond. 843 00:45:41,806 --> 00:45:43,809 We need to think this through. 844 00:45:46,844 --> 00:45:48,179 Hang on. I've got an idea. 845 00:45:48,246 --> 00:45:50,614 If you get off there, this side will go up. 846 00:45:50,681 --> 00:45:53,418 Then you put the ramp under the back wheels of the Mazda 847 00:45:53,483 --> 00:45:54,885 when it comes down again. 848 00:45:54,952 --> 00:45:58,456 -So you all need to get off. -Right, I'm off. 849 00:46:01,827 --> 00:46:04,061 Hang on. Are you going up now? 850 00:46:04,128 --> 00:46:05,663 -I think so. -No, we need... 851 00:46:05,730 --> 00:46:07,197 I know, everybody has to go there. 852 00:46:07,264 --> 00:46:09,099 -On that side. Yeah. -Everybody, all the crew. 853 00:46:09,166 --> 00:46:13,070 All the chunkier lads, if you get on that one. 854 00:46:13,137 --> 00:46:15,005 How did we get into this position? 855 00:46:15,072 --> 00:46:17,208 Somebody pull on the front, just to tip it. 856 00:46:17,275 --> 00:46:19,844 And then we will move this ramp. 857 00:46:19,878 --> 00:46:21,711 Hello? Can we have all of... 858 00:46:21,847 --> 00:46:23,914 - He's down now! - Am I gonna die? 859 00:46:24,849 --> 00:46:27,018 Am I dead? Am I dead? 860 00:46:29,186 --> 00:46:30,856 Thanks to our fluent French, 861 00:46:30,856 --> 00:46:35,260 we were able to get the forklift driver to help us. 862 00:46:35,326 --> 00:46:37,161 The Mazda... 863 00:46:37,228 --> 00:46:38,429 Erm... 864 00:46:42,099 --> 00:46:44,434 Reverse à vous la ramp, 865 00:46:44,501 --> 00:46:47,237 avec introduce la ramp... Yeah. 866 00:46:48,505 --> 00:46:51,376 Then the authorities arrived. 867 00:46:51,442 --> 00:46:53,710 -Ah, les animaux? -Yes, les animaux. 868 00:46:53,777 --> 00:46:55,112 Wait. Erm... 869 00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:57,315 Is it a Problème? 870 00:46:57,382 --> 00:47:01,385 James, it's not acceptable in Morocco 871 00:47:01,452 --> 00:47:04,889 to kill animals to establish the weight of a car, so... 872 00:47:04,922 --> 00:47:06,992 It's not acceptable in Morocco? 873 00:47:07,057 --> 00:47:09,027 Having established nothing at all, 874 00:47:09,094 --> 00:47:10,561 we were all ordered to leave, 875 00:47:10,628 --> 00:47:13,398 which made Hammond very cheesed off with me. 876 00:47:13,463 --> 00:47:15,465 You're a bloody idiot! 877 00:47:15,532 --> 00:47:16,902 Funny! 878 00:47:18,436 --> 00:47:20,237 I think he's angry, isn't he? 879 00:47:20,304 --> 00:47:23,340 And I wasn't in James's good books, either. 880 00:47:24,675 --> 00:47:26,344 Clarkson! 881 00:47:26,411 --> 00:47:27,411 What's the matter? 882 00:47:27,478 --> 00:47:30,114 I want the steering wheel back, you muppet! 883 00:47:30,181 --> 00:47:31,548 -I haven't got it. -You have! 884 00:47:31,615 --> 00:47:33,985 I haven't. One of those goats has got it. 885 00:47:34,052 --> 00:47:35,954 Goats can't pick things up. 886 00:47:42,693 --> 00:47:46,231 With his wheel retrieved, we set off. 887 00:47:46,297 --> 00:47:48,798 And soon, James and I decided 888 00:47:48,934 --> 00:47:51,469 something needed to be done. 889 00:47:51,536 --> 00:47:53,471 Jeremy, are you there? 890 00:47:53,538 --> 00:47:55,639 Yes, I am. 891 00:47:55,706 --> 00:47:57,141 Oh, good. Erm... 892 00:47:57,208 --> 00:47:58,742 Look, just... 893 00:47:58,809 --> 00:48:01,112 Er... Just bear with me, OK? 894 00:48:01,179 --> 00:48:05,416 This isn't really working as well as we'd hoped at the moment, 895 00:48:05,483 --> 00:48:09,586 so we think it would be better if we went our own way 896 00:48:09,653 --> 00:48:11,255 and you went yours. 897 00:48:13,858 --> 00:48:16,193 Are you in on this, James? 898 00:48:16,260 --> 00:48:20,965 Well, the thing is that we had conceived quite an interesting test 899 00:48:20,998 --> 00:48:24,402 between an everyday sports car and a hardcore sports car. 900 00:48:24,469 --> 00:48:26,704 And, I mean, it's not you. 901 00:48:26,771 --> 00:48:29,974 But, I mean, really, it's the Alfa. The Alfa doesn't fit. 902 00:48:31,809 --> 00:48:33,811 Right, well, OK. Erm... 903 00:48:33,878 --> 00:48:35,713 I'll leave you two alone. 904 00:48:35,780 --> 00:48:37,347 And I do mean alone, 905 00:48:37,414 --> 00:48:40,985 because... I'm going to take the film crews with me. 906 00:48:48,759 --> 00:48:49,994 Now that we're alone, 907 00:48:50,061 --> 00:48:53,264 I could prattle on for hours 908 00:48:53,331 --> 00:48:57,001 about what the Alfa Romeo badge means, 909 00:48:57,034 --> 00:48:59,336 and how, with its carbon-fibre tub, 910 00:48:59,403 --> 00:49:01,106 this isn't really a sports car. 911 00:49:01,172 --> 00:49:05,110 It's more a... scaled-down, cut-price LaFerrari. 912 00:49:06,277 --> 00:49:08,079 But I've had a better idea. 913 00:49:12,650 --> 00:49:16,454 What I did was find a wonderful piece of road... 914 00:49:21,092 --> 00:49:22,827 ...and then shut up, 915 00:49:22,893 --> 00:49:25,596 so the pictures could do the talking. 916 00:50:56,387 --> 00:50:57,855 That's the thing about this Alfa - 917 00:50:57,922 --> 00:51:00,925 if you talk about it, you're gonna criticise it. 918 00:51:00,990 --> 00:51:05,530 If you just look at it... you're gonna fall in love. Oh, hello. 919 00:51:07,164 --> 00:51:10,135 Mate! Mate! Thank God you're here! 920 00:51:11,668 --> 00:51:13,036 What's the matter with him? 921 00:51:13,137 --> 00:51:14,804 Well, for the first time in my life, 922 00:51:14,871 --> 00:51:18,443 I'm rather glad you're here, because... 923 00:51:18,509 --> 00:51:21,010 he thinks he's discovered an ancient civilisation. 924 00:51:21,146 --> 00:51:22,646 And he got very excited, 925 00:51:22,713 --> 00:51:25,150 and I couldn't say, "No, Hammond, it's not real." 926 00:51:25,150 --> 00:51:26,516 It's a film set. 927 00:51:26,583 --> 00:51:29,286 That is where they filmed Asterix And Obelix , 928 00:51:29,353 --> 00:51:31,688 and that is where they film Game Of Thrones . 929 00:51:31,755 --> 00:51:33,423 Yeah, I know that, but he thinks it's real. 930 00:51:33,490 --> 00:51:35,260 He thinks aliens have come down 931 00:51:35,326 --> 00:51:38,728 and that everything that universities in Britain know about Ancient Egypt, 932 00:51:38,795 --> 00:51:41,231 Ancient Greece, Ancient Rome, is all wrong. 933 00:51:47,036 --> 00:51:49,373 Which feet last trod these steps? 934 00:51:50,807 --> 00:51:52,210 Were they even human? 935 00:51:55,980 --> 00:51:57,914 Maybe they were that big. 936 00:51:57,981 --> 00:52:00,284 This was actually used in The Jewel Of The Nile . 937 00:52:00,351 --> 00:52:01,652 -Was it? -Yeah. 938 00:52:01,719 --> 00:52:05,822 Starring Kathleen Turner, Michael Douglas, 939 00:52:05,889 --> 00:52:07,824 and, I think, Danny DeVito. 940 00:52:07,891 --> 00:52:10,561 Hammond probably thinks that it's a spaceship. 941 00:52:10,628 --> 00:52:12,663 That's how they got here. 942 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,202 It's like touching hands... 943 00:52:18,268 --> 00:52:20,438 ...across the millennia. 944 00:52:22,407 --> 00:52:24,775 These were not primitive people. 945 00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:29,514 While Indiana Hammond 946 00:52:29,579 --> 00:52:31,916 continued his deluded ramblings, 947 00:52:31,981 --> 00:52:33,650 I came up with an idea. 948 00:52:35,585 --> 00:52:38,889 I tell you what this place has never been used as. 949 00:52:38,956 --> 00:52:41,226 -What? -A racetrack. 950 00:52:43,793 --> 00:52:45,429 Having convinced Richard 951 00:52:45,496 --> 00:52:47,965 we wouldn't anger the sleeping gods, 952 00:52:48,032 --> 00:52:52,869 we made a circuit from the roads running through the studio lot. 953 00:52:55,405 --> 00:52:59,076 And then I went off to get changed. 954 00:52:59,143 --> 00:53:01,378 Wow! Hammond, Roger Moore isn't here. 955 00:53:01,445 --> 00:53:03,447 No, he's not, is he? What is that? 956 00:53:03,514 --> 00:53:05,849 It's my Alfa Romeo racing suit. 957 00:53:05,916 --> 00:53:07,684 -Is it? -Yes, it is. Look at that. 958 00:53:07,751 --> 00:53:09,420 - Oh! - Peacock lining. 959 00:53:09,487 --> 00:53:10,655 That makes it better. 960 00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,257 It's the Dick from Del Monte. 961 00:53:12,322 --> 00:53:14,123 The Cock from Del Monte. 962 00:53:14,259 --> 00:53:16,059 The Dick from Del Monte, he says, "Ra-ra-ra!" 963 00:53:16,126 --> 00:53:19,128 - In an Alfa Romeo-- - This is tremendous! 964 00:53:19,264 --> 00:53:22,099 In an Alfa Romeo... 965 00:53:22,166 --> 00:53:25,001 ...looking good is more important than looking where you're going. 966 00:53:25,068 --> 00:53:26,836 -That's a shame. -When are you gonna do that? 967 00:53:29,273 --> 00:53:32,443 It was now time to get down to business. 968 00:53:32,510 --> 00:53:35,846 But first, we went out for some sighting laps. 969 00:53:37,914 --> 00:53:40,284 Whoa! 970 00:53:40,318 --> 00:53:42,820 It's all skiddy! 971 00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:45,755 - Oh, this is very narrow. - James did this. 972 00:53:45,822 --> 00:53:49,693 That's only an inch wider than my car, you stupid man! 973 00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,128 But I'm in! 974 00:53:51,195 --> 00:53:52,862 I'm into ancient Egypt! 975 00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:58,369 Oh, wow! Look at that! Paintings and everything! 976 00:54:00,170 --> 00:54:02,840 I'm gonna go around the unconvincing fighter jet. 977 00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:10,114 Understeering like mad, that's not good. I must remember that. 978 00:54:10,179 --> 00:54:12,682 The problem you have in the 4C is it's mid-engined, 979 00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:14,784 which means, on a surface like this, 980 00:54:14,851 --> 00:54:16,353 there's no weight over the front, 981 00:54:16,420 --> 00:54:18,456 and that means... no grip. 982 00:54:20,824 --> 00:54:23,693 Unlike the other two, this is front-engined, 983 00:54:23,760 --> 00:54:25,563 so there's less weight on the back end, 984 00:54:25,630 --> 00:54:27,498 which would make for a livelier back end 985 00:54:27,565 --> 00:54:30,000 and more time enjoying oversteer. 986 00:54:32,168 --> 00:54:34,338 Oh, I'm gonna spin! 987 00:54:35,672 --> 00:54:38,708 That's bad! That's too much oversteer. 988 00:54:39,844 --> 00:54:41,346 Game Of Thrones set. 989 00:54:41,411 --> 00:54:43,481 I mustn't think about Khaleesi. 990 00:54:43,547 --> 00:54:46,483 Oh, no! Thinking about Khaleesi, it's bad! 991 00:54:46,550 --> 00:54:48,585 Don't think about Khaleesi! 992 00:54:48,652 --> 00:54:50,355 No! 993 00:54:51,922 --> 00:54:54,023 Holy crap! 994 00:54:54,090 --> 00:54:55,425 It's a castle! 995 00:54:57,862 --> 00:55:00,597 God, no! Nearly hit a bit of Nazareth then. 996 00:55:00,664 --> 00:55:02,766 Jesus would have been displeased. 997 00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:08,639 Having got to know 998 00:55:08,706 --> 00:55:10,708 our weird and demanding track, 999 00:55:10,775 --> 00:55:13,978 we began the timed laps, with James going first 1000 00:55:14,043 --> 00:55:17,581 in his lightweight, powerful Norfolk-mobile. 1001 00:55:19,416 --> 00:55:21,217 Right, are we ready, James May? 1002 00:55:21,284 --> 00:55:23,788 In three, two, one... Begin! 1003 00:55:32,963 --> 00:55:35,965 Oh, where's the bend? I don't... 1004 00:55:39,103 --> 00:55:40,405 Oh, balls! 1005 00:55:40,405 --> 00:55:42,271 You know, what worries me most of all, 1006 00:55:42,407 --> 00:55:47,612 is the poor little man who's mortgaged his house to start Zenos. 1007 00:55:47,677 --> 00:55:49,679 And that he's lent it to us on the television. 1008 00:55:49,746 --> 00:55:52,215 "And which one's driving it? Which...?" 1009 00:55:52,282 --> 00:55:53,550 "Oh, no." 1010 00:55:56,052 --> 00:55:57,487 Right, now what do I do? 1011 00:56:01,125 --> 00:56:03,628 After my first-corner cock-up, 1012 00:56:03,693 --> 00:56:06,563 I was on the back foot, trying to make up time. 1013 00:56:09,967 --> 00:56:11,936 Heading for Nazareth, I think. 1014 00:56:17,173 --> 00:56:19,009 Whoa! 1015 00:56:19,076 --> 00:56:20,610 All over the place! 1016 00:56:27,518 --> 00:56:29,920 Round and round the thingy. 1017 00:56:31,021 --> 00:56:32,489 Whoa! 1018 00:56:38,027 --> 00:56:39,963 Fast, faster. Faster. 1019 00:56:52,777 --> 00:56:58,248 Well... this only goes up to 999 hours, sadly. 1020 00:56:58,315 --> 00:56:59,550 Right. 1021 00:56:59,617 --> 00:57:01,918 But it's OK, you were just in that time. 1022 00:57:01,985 --> 00:57:02,753 Yeah, mm. 1023 00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:04,221 James, did you manage to drive 1024 00:57:04,288 --> 00:57:06,623 whilst dragging your face along the ground? 1025 00:57:06,690 --> 00:57:08,291 A lot of dust comes in. 1026 00:57:08,358 --> 00:57:11,161 - Why don't you wind the windows up? 1027 00:57:11,228 --> 00:57:13,230 You're funny men. 1028 00:57:13,297 --> 00:57:17,001 Next, it was the turn of John Travolta. 1029 00:57:17,067 --> 00:57:20,605 Never has anybody looked quite so good... 1030 00:57:20,670 --> 00:57:22,072 ...on a timed lap. 1031 00:57:24,809 --> 00:57:28,012 In three, two, one... Go! 1032 00:57:34,083 --> 00:57:35,885 Right, let's make this count. 1033 00:57:40,557 --> 00:57:42,527 Narrow! 1034 00:57:52,068 --> 00:57:53,170 Sideways in linen! 1035 00:58:07,952 --> 00:58:09,186 Game Of Thrones set. 1036 00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:19,797 Understeering... 1037 00:58:20,731 --> 00:58:22,599 Turn! Turn! 1038 00:58:25,936 --> 00:58:28,606 Come on, let's get that turbocharger singing! 1039 00:58:30,206 --> 00:58:31,942 Kill it now! 1040 00:58:48,659 --> 00:58:49,960 Well, he arrived. 1041 00:58:51,327 --> 00:58:54,297 Finally, Sir John Blashford-Hammond. 1042 00:58:55,666 --> 00:58:56,733 -Ready? -Yes. 1043 00:58:56,800 --> 00:58:59,068 In three, two, one... Go! 1044 00:59:02,371 --> 00:59:03,773 Right, this is it. 1045 00:59:22,525 --> 00:59:24,061 I can't afford a single error. 1046 00:59:40,476 --> 00:59:42,311 Uh-oh! This is a hot lap! 1047 00:59:53,190 --> 00:59:55,492 Here he comes. 1048 00:59:55,559 --> 00:59:57,661 Ooh! 1049 01:00:00,297 --> 01:00:01,831 No! 1050 01:00:01,898 --> 01:00:04,068 And with that, back to the tent. 1051 01:00:08,172 --> 01:00:10,407 Smashed it. Smashed it. 1052 01:00:10,474 --> 01:00:12,976 -Hang on a minute. -What? 1053 01:00:13,043 --> 01:00:16,380 You know that Windmills Of Your Mind sequence in the car? 1054 01:00:16,445 --> 01:00:19,148 -Yeah. -You made the Alfa look really good in that. 1055 01:00:19,215 --> 01:00:21,184 -Yes. -What if somebody buys one? 1056 01:00:21,251 --> 01:00:22,820 You don't want that on your conscience. 1057 01:00:22,887 --> 01:00:25,155 What do you mean? It was a brilliant... What? 1058 01:00:25,222 --> 01:00:28,893 Anyway, anyway, I have the results here of the laps. 1059 01:00:28,958 --> 01:00:30,994 And er... well, in third place, 1060 01:00:31,061 --> 01:00:32,730 you in the Zenos; second place, you in the Alfa; 1061 01:00:32,797 --> 01:00:34,898 first place, the winner was me in the Mazda. 1062 01:00:34,965 --> 01:00:36,365 But it was a hollow victory, 1063 01:00:36,432 --> 01:00:40,336 because I ruined an ancient piece of sculpture. 1064 01:00:41,637 --> 01:00:43,072 Yes, but here's the thing, OK? 1065 01:00:43,139 --> 01:00:46,376 After the weight test and the speed test we did, 1066 01:00:46,443 --> 01:00:49,079 we've learned... 1067 01:00:49,146 --> 01:00:50,880 -...nothing. -Yeah, it's nothing. Nothing at all. 1068 01:00:50,947 --> 01:00:52,949 Literally nothing at all. 1069 01:00:53,016 --> 01:00:55,018 And on that terrible disappointment, 1070 01:00:55,085 --> 01:00:56,219 I'm afraid it's time to end. 1071 01:00:56,286 --> 01:00:58,021 Thank you so much for watching. 1072 01:00:58,088 --> 01:01:00,289 -See you next week. Goodbye. -Goodbye!