1 00:00:53,853 --> 00:00:55,853 (CHEERING) 2 00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:01,026 Hello, everybody! 3 00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:03,496 Hello! Hello! 4 00:01:07,534 --> 00:01:09,736 - Hello! - (CHEERING) 5 00:01:10,870 --> 00:01:12,838 Thank you so much. 6 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:16,009 JEREMY: What a welcome. 7 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,179 Hello. Thank you, everyone. 8 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:20,381 Welcome to The Grand Tour, 9 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:23,950 which this week comes to you from the shores of Loch Ness 10 00:01:24,016 --> 00:01:27,721 - in Scotland! - (CHEERING) 11 00:01:27,787 --> 00:01:29,055 Now... 12 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:30,356 Exactly. 13 00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:32,158 Now, to most people around the world, 14 00:01:32,159 --> 00:01:34,662 Scotland is just a bunch of scenery 15 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,298 and Mel Gibson with some paint on his face. 16 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:39,900 But actually it's a bit more than that. 17 00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:43,069 What we have here is a list of all the important things 18 00:01:43,170 --> 00:01:45,170 that were invented in America, OK? 19 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,508 This is what the Germans came up with. 20 00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:49,877 Then we've got the English contribution. 21 00:01:49,942 --> 00:01:53,414 And then let's have a look at what France did. 22 00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,918 That's it. I'm not making that up. 23 00:01:57,984 --> 00:01:59,186 And the pencil sharpener. 24 00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:00,719 Oh, and the pencil sharpener! 25 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,656 Now let's have a look at the list of things 26 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:06,394 that were invented by Scottish people. 27 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,662 RICHARD: It's just...! 28 00:02:08,728 --> 00:02:10,597 (CHEERING) 29 00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,633 It's unbelievable! It's everything! 30 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:16,569 Cordite. Cloning. Colour photography. 31 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,538 Percussion cap. 32 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:21,308 Golf, lime cordial. I mean, the list goes on and on. 33 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,312 - Buick! - Hang on a minute. 34 00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:26,780 Why is the US Navy on there? 35 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:30,484 Not joking, that was actually invented by a Scottish person. 36 00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:33,387 - Was it? - So was the BBC, so was the SAS. 37 00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:36,590 All Special Forces, in fact. And I think I know why. 38 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,692 If you are from Mexico or France or Italy, 39 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:41,627 you wake up in the morning, open the curtains, 40 00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,997 it's a lovely day, think, "I'll go to the beach." 41 00:02:44,063 --> 00:02:46,766 In Scotland you open the curtains... 42 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,468 it's damp and cold: 43 00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,603 "I'll go to the shed and I'll invent something." 44 00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:52,673 That's what's going on there. 45 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:55,008 I'm surprised, actually, the English, 46 00:02:55,074 --> 00:02:58,078 don't just say that those are British inventions. 47 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,514 Ah, yes, the Andy Murray syndrome. 48 00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:02,248 (BOOING) 49 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,983 Let's be honest, this does happen a lot. 50 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,984 OK. Alexander Graham Bell, 51 00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,653 when he was working away 52 00:03:07,655 --> 00:03:09,588 with his Bakelite and his wires in his shed, 53 00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,590 he was a Scottish crackpot. 54 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,328 When he invented the telephone, 55 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,430 he was a British genius! 56 00:03:16,497 --> 00:03:19,266 Exactly the same sort of thing happens with sport. 57 00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:21,368 Motor racing, Jackie Stewart. 58 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:24,103 Three times Formula 1 World Champion. 59 00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:25,604 OK, he's British. 60 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:29,276 Jim Clark. Two times Formula 1 World Champion. 61 00:03:29,312 --> 00:03:32,680 British. David Coulthard... Scottish. 62 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:38,586 That's how it works! 63 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:40,687 - It is, yes. - Maybe we should explain 64 00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,753 to people in America what's going on here. 65 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:44,758 Yeah, exactly. Let me just clear this up for you. 66 00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,824 This is how it works on this side of the pond. 67 00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,729 This is Britain. This bit is England, where we're from. 68 00:03:49,796 --> 00:03:51,631 This bit's Scotland, where we are now. 69 00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:55,168 This bit's Wales, which is next to where I live. 70 00:03:55,302 --> 00:03:57,135 Exactly. The rules are very simple. 71 00:03:57,137 --> 00:03:58,670 If you're English 72 00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:01,074 and you become brilliant or do something brilliant, 73 00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:02,675 you remain English. 74 00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,311 If you're Scottish or Welsh 75 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,844 and you do something brilliant, 76 00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:10,950 the English decide that you are, in fact, British. 77 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,554 The English really are appalling, aren't they?! 78 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:16,723 - RICHARD: They are! - (CHEERING) 79 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,262 I tell you what, I love being in Scotland 80 00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:24,564 because everyone here speaks their mind. 81 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,634 There's no ambiguity. 82 00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,002 The town of Larkhall in Scotland, their welcome sign, 83 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,338 here we go. 84 00:04:35,141 --> 00:04:37,345 (CHEERING) 85 00:04:37,377 --> 00:04:40,047 This is Scotland. 86 00:04:40,112 --> 00:04:42,215 It's not just words, either, it's actions. 87 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,518 Do you remember that terrorist attack at Glasgow Airport 88 00:04:44,584 --> 00:04:46,252 a couple of years ago? 89 00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:48,922 Somebody tried to explode... bomb didn't go off. 90 00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:50,689 He ran off and he didn't get very far 91 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:53,259 because this happened. 92 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:55,495 (LAUGHTER) 93 00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,668 The Scottish way. That is the Scottish way. 94 00:05:03,235 --> 00:05:05,605 And um... 95 00:05:05,673 --> 00:05:09,209 Interestingly, there have been no terrorist attacks in Scotland since. 96 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:11,478 Just thinking about that for a second. 97 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,178 When he kicked him, he must have broken his foot 98 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,680 on the other guy's pelvis. 99 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:16,783 - Yeah. - Which means the guy's plums 100 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,987 were in the middle of the impact. 101 00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:23,423 When that terrorist woke up that morning, 102 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:24,891 he must've thought, "Right, 103 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:26,994 "The worst thing that'll happen to me today 104 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,226 is I'm gonna blow up." 105 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,795 It wasn't, though, was it? 106 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:32,832 Cos the only thing to explode was his knackers. 107 00:05:32,899 --> 00:05:35,403 - Can we get on with the show? - Yes. Good idea. 108 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:38,271 Because in tonight's car programme... 109 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,774 I urinate on an engine... 110 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,711 Richard wears an anorak... 111 00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,481 and James takes drugs. 112 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,819 But first, I want to talk about Fiat. 113 00:05:52,819 --> 00:05:55,088 They're mostly known these days for the 500, 114 00:05:55,154 --> 00:05:57,055 which is a small retro hatchback. 115 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:59,057 But after an absence of more than a decade, 116 00:05:59,058 --> 00:06:01,293 they are back in the sports car game. 117 00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:03,095 So I went down to the Eboladrome 118 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,096 to check out what they've come up with. 119 00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:22,449 Here it is. And as with the 500, 120 00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,882 you can tell straightaway 121 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,454 that Fiat are playing the nostalgia card 122 00:06:27,487 --> 00:06:31,423 because this car is called the 124 Spider, 123 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:36,730 in honour of their rear-wheel drive roadster from the '70s. 124 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,798 Under the skin, though, 125 00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:44,170 the 124 is based on the thoroughly modern Mazda MX-5. 126 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:47,608 Fiat supply some important things like the engine 127 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,375 and the body, 128 00:06:49,375 --> 00:06:50,843 but both cars are built 129 00:06:50,843 --> 00:06:53,012 on the same production line in Japan. 130 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,518 On the surface, that is no bad thing. 131 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,521 You're gonna sleep a lot better at night 132 00:06:59,521 --> 00:07:01,220 knowing that your Italian car 133 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:04,057 was actually put together by the Japanese. 134 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,860 However, it does raise a question. 135 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,797 Is that a sports car in its own right, 136 00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:13,867 or just a Mazda with a different badge on? 137 00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,834 Well, before we find out, 138 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,038 let's look a bit more closely at the badge. 139 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:21,108 Because you'll notice it says Abarth. 140 00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:25,612 Abarth are Fiat's go- to people 141 00:07:25,678 --> 00:07:29,182 when they want to light a fire under one of their cars. 142 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,353 Not light an actual fire, but give what's already there 143 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:37,024 some extra zest and zing and fire. 144 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:44,396 For starters, Abarth has tuned the 1.4 litre turbo – charged engine, 145 00:07:44,531 --> 00:07:49,670 so that this, the hottest 124, is faster than any MX- 5. 146 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,707 0- 60 takes 6.8 seconds. 147 00:07:56,877 --> 00:08:02,081 And the top speed is 145mph. 148 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:06,553 But in a car like this that feels like 145 million. 149 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,822 Certainly bundles for me. 150 00:08:12,959 --> 00:08:16,196 And it's not just performance where the 124 has the edge 151 00:08:16,262 --> 00:08:19,867 over its Japanese half- brother. 152 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,901 I have to admit, and this comes from someone 153 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,204 who struggles to find fault with the MX- 5, 154 00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:28,007 the 124 does sound better. 155 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:35,282 Abarth have given it something called the Record Monza exhaust system. 156 00:08:35,347 --> 00:08:40,452 What it does is make a small car produce a big- car noise. 157 00:08:40,587 --> 00:08:42,655 (ENGINE ROARS) 158 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,961 It's like a cat in a lion suit 159 00:08:50,963 --> 00:08:53,600 and that's exactly the sort of panto you want. 160 00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,370 What I'm saying here is that this car does its own thing. 161 00:08:58,437 --> 00:09:01,140 It has its own personality. And that's important. 162 00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:07,847 But on the next point, the 124 does take a bit of a body blow. 163 00:09:10,683 --> 00:09:15,322 You see, there's a price to pay for all this Abarth- ness. 164 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,958 And that price is ă30.000. 165 00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:22,595 ă5.000 more than the top MX- 5. 166 00:09:22,629 --> 00:09:27,466 That said, the 124 does give you more under the skin, 167 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:32,338 most notably in the handling department. 168 00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:37,144 The thing is, Abarth have given this car a limited – slip diff... 169 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:40,813 which makes sliding something you command. 170 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,649 (TYRES SCREECH) 171 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:51,792 The MX- 5 doesn't have that. 172 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,561 Neither does it have this sport button here, 173 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,664 which relaxes the stability control. 174 00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:00,498 Quite a lot. 175 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,514 So, what we have here is a car that's fast, 176 00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:17,951 sounds good and is great fun in the corners. 177 00:10:20,352 --> 00:10:24,057 But there's something else very important about the 124. 178 00:10:28,260 --> 00:10:30,562 I don't know that there's really a million miles of difference 179 00:10:30,629 --> 00:10:32,899 between this and the MX- 5. 180 00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:39,139 But everything I do in this car I'm doing in an Italian sports car. 181 00:10:41,607 --> 00:10:45,913 And it is impossible for that not to put you in a good mood. 182 00:10:47,413 --> 00:10:51,751 It does feel so good to be in a small, Italian roadster again. 183 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,754 It's about time. 184 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:59,091 Everything about this little Fiat is designed to stir the emotions. 185 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:01,928 And make you smile like a child. 186 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:04,798 Right down to the retro black bonnet. 187 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:07,167 God, I love a black bonnet! 188 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,601 It just... Ooh! 189 00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:11,739 It's just... a black bonnet. 190 00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:15,875 Only cool cars have black bonnets. Fact! 191 00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:18,510 I really like the MX- 5. 192 00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:22,115 But the 124 has taken those Japanese foundations 193 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,851 and added some Italian showmanship. 194 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,756 That's why I'd have it over the Mazda. 195 00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:32,993 I don't just like it, I love it. 196 00:11:38,130 --> 00:11:39,765 (CHEERING) 197 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,070 It's interesting that, because... 198 00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:46,373 ..as you know, I'm a sucker for an Italian sports car. 199 00:11:46,438 --> 00:11:49,176 Love 'em to bits especially the Alfa. 200 00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:53,046 However, I've driven an ordinary, cooking Fiat 124 201 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,984 and that is not as good as an MX- 5, not even close. 202 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,052 That's true. You'd be better off with the MX- 5. 203 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:01,788 Unless you want the fastest MX- 5, 204 00:12:01,823 --> 00:12:03,322 in which case buy the Abarth. 205 00:12:03,322 --> 00:12:07,827 - Quite. - Have we just done consumer advice? 206 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,197 A little bit. A little bit. Moving on quickly. 207 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,263 Yes, we will, move it on. And we'll find out 208 00:12:12,264 --> 00:12:15,235 how fast the Abarth goes round the Eboladrome. 209 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,168 That, of course, means handing it over to a man 210 00:12:17,169 --> 00:12:19,940 who thinks that beards were invented by Lenin. 211 00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:23,243 Yep. It's the American. 212 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,913 There he is, poised and ready. 213 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,980 And he's off. 214 00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:30,015 With a skitter of wheelspin 215 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,649 and a fruity noise from the exhaust. 216 00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:36,623 Straight onto a soaking-wet Isn't Strait. 217 00:12:36,688 --> 00:12:38,959 What the hell... 218 00:12:39,025 --> 00:12:41,995 has happened in my life... 219 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,496 that I'm over here driving a Fiat... 220 00:12:44,563 --> 00:12:47,500 in the wet in England? 221 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:51,071 He may not be enjoying it but he is very good at it. 222 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:54,341 As he carves the 124 through the standing water, 223 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:58,711 making the best use of its 170 horsepower. 224 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:02,249 Really leaning on it as he approaches Your Name Here. 225 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:03,850 That is ballsy. 226 00:13:03,850 --> 00:13:05,150 Now, heavy on the brakes, 227 00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:08,355 swoops round this fast left-hander, 228 00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:12,424 and exits with a skilful flurry of stylish over-steer. 229 00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:14,225 Back onto the Isn't. 230 00:13:14,226 --> 00:13:16,897 Hell, I don't know whether to drive this thing 231 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,898 or use it for a spit-cup. 232 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,933 Charming! 233 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,333 Nerds will note these conditions 234 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,871 would be better suited to a Barchetta. 235 00:13:24,907 --> 00:13:26,504 If you like this car, 236 00:13:26,505 --> 00:13:29,876 I bet you got a lot of fancy cushions in your house. 237 00:13:29,912 --> 00:13:31,342 Yeah, cos as we know, 238 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,344 cushions are, of course, Communist. 239 00:13:33,379 --> 00:13:38,118 Right, into the tight complex of Old Lady's House. 240 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:40,452 Keeping it nice and tidy through there. 241 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:44,591 And now full power for the lumpy, bumpy sprint 242 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,557 down to Substation. 243 00:13:46,558 --> 00:13:48,995 Front hazards coming on under hard braking. 244 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,062 All Fiats do that for some reason. 245 00:13:51,063 --> 00:13:53,365 Armful of opposite lock into Field Of Sheep. 246 00:13:53,432 --> 00:13:57,303 More exuberance through there and across the line. 247 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:59,370 (CHEERING) 248 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:03,543 (LOW CHATTER) 249 00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,979 It was a ballsy entry into Your Name Here, that was. 250 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:11,083 Anyway... we must now find out where it ends up on the board. 251 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,019 Let's have a look. 252 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,956 Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Hammond. 253 00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,023 So you've recommended what is 254 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:20,326 officially the slowest car in the world. 255 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:23,830 Well... No, slowest car on our board. 256 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,831 - Our board is the world. - It is. 257 00:14:25,831 --> 00:14:27,899 All right. Look, it was wet. 258 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:31,337 That lake's wet. Someone once did 200mph on that. 259 00:14:31,403 --> 00:14:33,740 - And... - Then they were killed, I admit. 260 00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:35,106 - But... - Quite, quite. 261 00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:36,408 Let's move on. It's time now 262 00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:38,408 for us to take a gentle cruise 263 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:42,315 down the velvety smoothness of Conversation Street. 264 00:14:42,381 --> 00:14:44,381 (MELLOW JAZZ) 265 00:14:46,452 --> 00:14:48,452 (LAUGHTER) 266 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:51,657 - That really hurts. - It did! 267 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:53,725 Just to be absolutely clear with you, 268 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:55,561 that really, really hurt. 269 00:14:55,562 --> 00:15:00,133 Yeah. It was supposed to be a pretend bottle. 270 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,235 - Let's move it on. - I would like to converse about something important. 271 00:15:03,302 --> 00:15:06,438 Why is it that we have leather seats in cars? 272 00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:08,975 Because in reality it's a terrible material. 273 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,509 It's too shiny and slippery. 274 00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:13,046 It's too hot or it's too cold. It's rubbish. 275 00:15:13,113 --> 00:15:15,315 I think it's cos we got hung up on the idea 276 00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:18,418 that leather is somehow posh on a car seat. 277 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,985 But it didn't use to be like that. 278 00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:21,419 In the old days, the posh people sat 279 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,490 in the back of the car on cloth seats, 280 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,323 and it was the chauffeur sitting at the front- 281 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,028 they gave him leather because it's hard-wearing. 282 00:15:27,028 --> 00:15:29,296 I've got a picture here of an old car. 283 00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:32,331 They didn't even extend the roof to cover him! 284 00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,831 Another three feet would have done it. 285 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:35,400 I think that's deliberate. 286 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:37,703 I think that's to remind him that he's scum! 287 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:42,009 What would you two like to have instead of leather? 288 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,908 There's all sorts of things you could use. 289 00:15:43,909 --> 00:15:45,909 You could have cable-knit wool. 290 00:15:45,912 --> 00:15:50,116 But it's nice, it's cosy. Desperately looking around. 291 00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:52,313 His jumper would make quite a good car seat. 292 00:15:52,488 --> 00:15:55,721 - Cosy. - It's nylon! It is! 293 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,357 Or pleblon. One of the two. 294 00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:01,227 - It's a good idea. - It isn't a good idea! 295 00:16:01,293 --> 00:16:03,363 Or, how's this for an idea? 296 00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,297 Let me just throw it out there. 297 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,265 Why not take a cow, 298 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:10,370 turn the middle of it into burgers and steaks, 299 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,105 and then, instead of throwing the skin away, 300 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,542 use it to cover the seats of your car? 301 00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:18,811 Because it's a terrible material and it doesn't work. 302 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,278 That's only because you two 303 00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:22,114 have decided to be vegetarians. 304 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,548 Well, no, hang on... 305 00:16:23,549 --> 00:16:26,153 They have. They actually have. 306 00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,187 They woke up together one morning and went, 307 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:29,488 "Let's not eat meat any more." 308 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,625 We didn't wake up together one morning. 309 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,592 - Get clear on that. - It's a fine definition. 310 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,629 Mysteriously arrived at the same conclusion 311 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:39,065 pretty much the same day. 312 00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:40,499 Anyway, we still eat chicken. 313 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,368 Yep. Chicken is a vegetable. 314 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:44,571 - It isn't. - It is. 315 00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:47,307 Scientifically, chicken is a vegetable. 316 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:50,110 If you cut a chicken's head off it still runs around. 317 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,677 There you go. 318 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,511 Thereby proving it's not a sentient being, 319 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:55,246 it's a higher-order vegetable. 320 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,648 Scientifically. 321 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,649 OK, we'll make the seats of your cars 322 00:16:58,650 --> 00:17:01,087 out of chicken skins. Actually, that's not a bad idea. 323 00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:05,592 Wouldn't a chicken-skin seat look like a giant scrotum? 324 00:17:05,657 --> 00:17:08,295 Yes, and that's your fault for not eating meat. 325 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,396 So now let's move on, shall we? 326 00:17:10,462 --> 00:17:13,599 I've got something. Back in the 1920s, OK, 327 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,366 a Scottish company made a car 328 00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:17,537 which they said was for women. 329 00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,140 Got a picture of it here. It's called the Galloway. 330 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,776 What about that car makes it for women? 331 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:27,346 Well, they said it had a smaller-than-usual steering wheel 332 00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:30,450 - and a more reliable engine. - Oh, yeah, of course, 333 00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:32,551 because men don't want a reliable engine, do they? 334 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,353 - It's only women! - I hate reliable engines. 335 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:35,987 Also, you can drive it standing up, 336 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,125 which is what women did in the 1920s. 337 00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:39,525 This sort of thing is still going on today 338 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,026 because I've got news of one here. 339 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,461 A car that's been launched 340 00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:45,332 called the Seat Mii Cosmopolitan. 341 00:17:45,397 --> 00:17:47,298 We have a picture of it. There you go. 342 00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:50,136 - How do you spell Mii? - M-I-I. 343 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,240 - It's Mii-iii. - It is Mii-iii. 344 00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:56,476 "I've got a Mii-iii." 345 00:17:56,542 --> 00:17:58,443 It's been done in collaboration 346 00:17:58,444 --> 00:17:59,711 with Cosmopolitan magazine. 347 00:17:59,711 --> 00:18:01,380 "It's aimed at Cosmo Girl", it says. 348 00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,681 And, are you ready? 349 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,516 "The headlights have an eyeliner shape." 350 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,886 - No, they don't. - "It's easy to park." 351 00:18:07,953 --> 00:18:09,488 Oh, yeah, cos... 352 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,624 I much prefer a car that's hard to park 353 00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,792 because I'm a man. 354 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,493 Can we get something clear here? OK? 355 00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:18,431 This gender-splitting of cars is ridiculous. 356 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,599 It's like saying a woman's airline seat 357 00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,836 or a woman's matches or a woman's anything. 358 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:26,573 "Can I buy a box of women's pencils, please?" 359 00:18:26,638 --> 00:18:30,410 Exactly. The only things I can think of that can be split by gender 360 00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:34,247 - are bicycles, because of the crossbar. - Yeah. 361 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:37,317 - And underwear. - Sometimes, yeah. 362 00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,953 - Overshare? - (MOUTHS) 363 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:44,020 I said that out... 364 00:18:47,826 --> 00:18:51,198 I left in a hurry. 365 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,365 Honestly, I just can't understand 366 00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:55,201 why people think there's such a thing 367 00:18:55,201 --> 00:18:57,604 - as a woman's car and a man's car. - Ridiculous. 368 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,305 It's not as if you drive cars 369 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,306 with your old chap or your magic triangle. 370 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:03,410 And there's um... 371 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,585 - Listen... - It's a little graphic. 372 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,122 But a few years ago, Volvo did a concept car, 373 00:19:16,222 --> 00:19:17,522 and they boasted very loudly 374 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,490 that the whole thing had been designed 375 00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:21,460 entirely by women. 376 00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,496 And I've got a picture of it. 377 00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,932 It's a coupe with gull-wing doors and a massive engine. 378 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,333 It's what everyone would do. 379 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,268 I would definitely have done that. Exactly. 380 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,501 Men and women are exactly the same 381 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:32,136 when it comes to cars. The end. 382 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:33,372 - Exactly. - Right. Now... 383 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,905 You know Tesla? 384 00:19:34,906 --> 00:19:37,910 Tesla believes it's pioneering the electric car. 385 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:40,547 But that ain't so. There was a Scottish company back in the '60s 386 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,347 which made an electric car. 387 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:45,417 - I've got a picture of it here. - RICHARD: Oh, God! 388 00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:47,051 It's called The Scamp. 389 00:19:47,052 --> 00:19:49,922 It had a top speed of 35mph, 390 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,690 a range of 20 miles. 391 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,093 And I want to make it absolutely plain, 392 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,060 that's Scottish, not British. 393 00:19:56,061 --> 00:19:59,665 It is, yes! Very definitely! 394 00:19:59,731 --> 00:20:01,867 That... that is Scottish. 395 00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:04,036 (APPLAUSE) 396 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,336 We can end the conversation. 397 00:20:05,337 --> 00:20:07,807 Now, all over the world, 398 00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,009 people, by and large, buy very boring cars. 399 00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:14,314 I met a man yesterday who'd just spent ă8,000 400 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,614 on a five-year-old Ford Focus. 401 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:17,650 I thought, "Why did you do that? 402 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,384 If you've got ă8.000 to spend, 403 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,621 why didn't you buy a used Maserati?" 404 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,756 I think it's because people believe 405 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:27,727 if you buy the used, exotic Italian car for ă8,000 406 00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,560 it's going to break down all the time. 407 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,798 Yes, but will it? To find out, 408 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,701 we actually put our own money on the line, 409 00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:38,704 and we each went out and bought a second – hand Maserati. 410 00:20:38,770 --> 00:20:41,740 Yes, and then we decided that cars this glamorous 411 00:20:41,807 --> 00:20:45,444 and this exciting couldn't possibly be tested in Britain. 412 00:20:45,511 --> 00:20:50,383 So we decided to meet up in continental Europe. 413 00:20:56,655 --> 00:21:01,560 This is the race track we selected. 414 00:21:01,627 --> 00:21:04,079 It's just 60 miles from Calais, 415 00:21:04,115 --> 00:21:06,532 and I arrived bright and early. 416 00:21:09,368 --> 00:21:11,538 (DOOR CREAKING) 417 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,942 This... is a Maserati Biturbo. 418 00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:21,681 First car in the world to be fitted with two turbo chargers. 419 00:21:21,748 --> 00:21:25,451 And this particular example is the sought-after S model. 420 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:29,320 And it's only done 24.000 miles. 421 00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:35,362 And yet despite that, all I paid for it was ă7.950. 422 00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:39,798 So you get all this glamour, all this power, 423 00:21:39,865 --> 00:21:43,403 all that badge for less than you'd pay in the UK 424 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,971 for a six-year-old Toyota "Pious". 425 00:21:50,710 --> 00:21:54,646 Why has Richard Hammond arrived in a Ford Cortina? 426 00:21:54,713 --> 00:21:59,751 Wait. It isn't a Ford Cortina, it's another Biturbo! 427 00:21:59,818 --> 00:22:02,989 - No, this is the 430. - It isn't! 428 00:22:03,055 --> 00:22:04,455 - It is! - Biturbo. 429 00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:05,691 This isn't a Biturbo. 430 00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:06,991 - It is! - That's a Biturbo. 431 00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,394 Hammond. 432 00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:09,827 I'm sorry to have to tell you this. 433 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:12,632 But the Ghibli, the Racing, 434 00:22:12,699 --> 00:22:15,634 the Karif, the Shamal, the 222 and the 430, 435 00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:18,404 they were all the same car. They haven't got any money. 436 00:22:18,471 --> 00:22:20,471 They just changed the name badge on the back. 437 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,007 These are the same car. 438 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,443 Yours is very ugly, but it's the same car. 439 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:25,844 I dispute that. 440 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:27,746 This is not ugly, this is elegant. 441 00:22:27,747 --> 00:22:29,515 - This is Italian style. - It isn't! 442 00:22:29,516 --> 00:22:32,284 That is a fabulous-looking car. Let's look at this. 443 00:22:32,419 --> 00:22:34,686 What have you got? It's a bit gaudy, mate. 444 00:22:34,753 --> 00:22:36,788 You wanna hear this baby fire up. 445 00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:39,157 (ENGINE WHINES AND SCREAMS) 446 00:22:39,224 --> 00:22:41,227 Get out! Save yourself! 447 00:22:41,292 --> 00:22:44,262 - (REVVING) - Yes! 448 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:45,596 Feel the power of that! 449 00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,597 Have you seen all this- 450 00:22:47,599 --> 00:22:49,599 there's no other word for it- oil? 451 00:22:49,602 --> 00:22:51,169 Yeah, that... 452 00:22:51,170 --> 00:22:52,269 - Yeah. - Yeah. 453 00:22:52,270 --> 00:22:53,638 Happily, 454 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:55,339 before any more could flood out, 455 00:22:55,340 --> 00:22:57,340 James arrived. 456 00:22:59,878 --> 00:23:04,784 Have you ever seen a more ungainly-looking machine? 457 00:23:04,851 --> 00:23:06,851 What's the matter? Is your door broken? 458 00:23:06,853 --> 00:23:09,655 No, I'm broken. Can you hold the door for me? Thank you. 459 00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:14,760 Behold... the Maserati Zagato Spyder. 460 00:23:14,826 --> 00:23:17,063 - Biturbo, mate. - Zagato Spyder. 461 00:23:17,128 --> 00:23:18,529 All Biturbos. 462 00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:20,530 I think this was designed 463 00:23:20,532 --> 00:23:22,032 when it was owned by Citroen, 464 00:23:22,034 --> 00:23:24,069 which was bankrupt at the time. 465 00:23:24,135 --> 00:23:25,804 Then there was some guy in America 466 00:23:25,805 --> 00:23:27,638 who had a bit of Maserati. 467 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,474 And then the Italian Government, or Fiat, 468 00:23:29,476 --> 00:23:31,308 they all sort of had bits of it. 469 00:23:31,309 --> 00:23:33,746 They ran around going, "We made a new car. Look." 470 00:23:33,813 --> 00:23:35,981 It was exactly the same, it just had a new name. 471 00:23:36,048 --> 00:23:39,050 Excuse me, James. I just want to see just... 472 00:23:39,117 --> 00:23:41,319 Oh, you've got two-tone leather. 473 00:23:41,355 --> 00:23:43,522 But why have you got an automatic? 474 00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:45,592 I've bust my arm. 475 00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:47,625 That's why it took a long time to get out. 476 00:23:47,626 --> 00:23:48,859 Have you really broken your arm? 477 00:23:48,861 --> 00:23:50,327 Which arm have you broken? 478 00:23:50,328 --> 00:23:52,865 (JEREMY LAUGHS) 479 00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:55,101 It has made me murderously bad-tempered 480 00:23:55,166 --> 00:23:57,737 and intolerant of your fatuousness. 481 00:23:57,804 --> 00:23:59,237 Have you seriously broken your arm? 482 00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:00,806 It's fractured quite badly. 483 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,842 - Don't touch it. - How did you break it? 484 00:24:02,909 --> 00:24:05,744 - I fell over. - That's why you got an automatic? 485 00:24:05,811 --> 00:24:08,180 - Yes. - Is that roof electric? 486 00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:10,650 - No. - There's a button on the front. 487 00:24:11,851 --> 00:24:14,520 - Oh, right. So it is manual. - Yes. 488 00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:16,756 Anyway, we must get off. Come on, let's drive on. 489 00:24:16,823 --> 00:24:19,125 Can you put the roof back up for me? 490 00:24:19,191 --> 00:24:21,191 No! I'm not doing that. 491 00:24:23,762 --> 00:24:28,200 We decided first of all to have a drag race, 492 00:24:28,267 --> 00:24:32,270 between our cars and a similarly-priced modern car... 493 00:24:32,337 --> 00:24:34,540 the Suzuki "Celery". 494 00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:41,111 Tense moment. 495 00:24:43,549 --> 00:24:45,585 (TYRES SQUEAL) 496 00:24:48,887 --> 00:24:51,624 Sadly, however, the pit straight was too narrow 497 00:24:51,691 --> 00:24:53,691 for our four cars. 498 00:24:55,294 --> 00:24:57,462 What are you doing? 499 00:24:57,564 --> 00:24:59,598 Hammond, you idiot! 500 00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:06,573 - You crashed into my Maserati! - You crashed into mine! 501 00:25:06,607 --> 00:25:08,574 I've got nowhere to go. There's a barrier there. 502 00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:11,242 There was nowhere for me to go. I was where I was. 503 00:25:12,612 --> 00:25:14,814 So, for the second attempt... 504 00:25:16,782 --> 00:25:19,818 I volunteered to go down the pit lane. 505 00:25:21,653 --> 00:25:23,690 Yes, this is genius! 506 00:25:25,657 --> 00:25:27,993 And that didn't work, either. 507 00:25:28,059 --> 00:25:30,596 Re-emerging on the track. Hammond is there. 508 00:25:30,632 --> 00:25:31,962 What the hell? 509 00:25:31,963 --> 00:25:34,666 Oh, shit! 510 00:25:36,067 --> 00:25:37,635 Oh, my God! 511 00:25:37,636 --> 00:25:40,807 Arg! 512 00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,375 Why the hell can't we just do a drag race properly? 513 00:25:43,442 --> 00:25:45,510 It can't be that difficult. 514 00:25:45,612 --> 00:25:48,780 After this latest accident, we decided that, 515 00:25:48,847 --> 00:25:52,384 as Hammond's car had the biggest engine... 516 00:25:52,451 --> 00:25:55,788 he'd represent Maserati's honour on his own. 517 00:25:56,955 --> 00:26:00,226 OK, this is it. I am the elected driver. 518 00:26:01,359 --> 00:26:04,631 The chosen one. The kingpin. 519 00:26:06,498 --> 00:26:08,498 I like that. 520 00:26:12,304 --> 00:26:14,304 Massive amount of bleeping about... 521 00:26:15,273 --> 00:26:18,009 But then... 522 00:26:18,076 --> 00:26:23,048 Finally, it spools up, turbos whizzing away. 523 00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:29,221 And yes! Absolutely creamed it! 524 00:26:29,288 --> 00:26:31,088 (LAUGHS) 525 00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,992 Yep, they were right to pick me. 526 00:26:34,059 --> 00:26:37,930 And the car, the 430...Maserati. 527 00:26:40,066 --> 00:26:41,799 Now you've established that, as a team, 528 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,369 our twin turbo-charged Maseratis are faster 529 00:26:44,435 --> 00:26:46,705 than a 67-horsepower "Celery", 530 00:26:46,772 --> 00:26:49,275 let's get rid of the little Japanese car 531 00:26:49,340 --> 00:26:52,744 and find out which of our three cars 532 00:26:52,811 --> 00:26:55,013 is the fastest round the track. 533 00:26:55,080 --> 00:26:57,015 We'll be driving Maseratis 534 00:26:57,016 --> 00:26:59,518 on a race track in continental Europe. 535 00:26:59,585 --> 00:27:01,286 Sounds good, doesn't it? 536 00:27:01,287 --> 00:27:03,955 What's the matter with you? Why do you look so miserable? 537 00:27:05,991 --> 00:27:07,993 I've broken my arm. 538 00:27:08,059 --> 00:27:09,694 If we're gonna drive round a track, 539 00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,932 can I at least have one of those disabled knob things? 540 00:27:12,999 --> 00:27:15,034 - You know. - On the steering wheel? 541 00:27:15,101 --> 00:27:16,737 Yeah, like a forklift truck has. 542 00:27:16,738 --> 00:27:18,738 Sounds fair enough. 543 00:27:20,271 --> 00:27:22,307 So, whilst our colleague enjoyed 544 00:27:22,374 --> 00:27:24,743 his special breakfast, 545 00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:27,179 Richard and I attached his steering knob. 546 00:27:27,246 --> 00:27:29,246 There you go. 547 00:27:29,749 --> 00:27:31,817 And then we hit the track. 548 00:27:33,519 --> 00:27:35,385 The roots of this car, 549 00:27:35,386 --> 00:27:40,026 they were planted during the 1957 German Grand Prix. 550 00:27:40,092 --> 00:27:43,328 Fangio, at the wheel of his Maserati 250F, 551 00:27:43,394 --> 00:27:49,902 overcame a 48-second deficit in 22 laps to win the race. 552 00:27:49,969 --> 00:27:53,072 He smashed the lap record ten times. 553 00:27:53,138 --> 00:27:57,375 You don't lose a pedigree like that. 554 00:27:57,442 --> 00:28:00,278 Here we go. Feel the tail kick out a little bit. 555 00:28:01,579 --> 00:28:03,582 Or the front go. 556 00:28:03,648 --> 00:28:05,785 There's the back. On the front. 557 00:28:07,486 --> 00:28:09,756 Oh, God. I've got it. 558 00:28:12,924 --> 00:28:16,061 Flying laps in a Maserati. 559 00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:18,765 This is exactly what Stirling Moss did. 560 00:28:25,570 --> 00:28:28,339 Not exactly. Bits of it are. 561 00:28:29,776 --> 00:28:31,778 Meanwhile, in the convertible, 562 00:28:31,844 --> 00:28:35,314 James was very unhappy with his new steering knob. 563 00:28:41,788 --> 00:28:43,990 Oh, God, it's the left-hander. 564 00:28:45,791 --> 00:28:48,927 Bend the knob. 565 00:28:48,994 --> 00:28:51,329 What is the matter with those two? 566 00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:57,934 We're OK. We're in good shape. 567 00:28:58,904 --> 00:29:01,440 - No, we're not! - (TYRES SCREECH) 568 00:29:01,507 --> 00:29:03,507 Despite my lucky-dip handling, 569 00:29:03,541 --> 00:29:05,877 I did eventually catch Hammond. 570 00:29:09,181 --> 00:29:11,115 Take him! Take him on the inside! 571 00:29:11,116 --> 00:29:13,116 Yes! 572 00:29:13,719 --> 00:29:15,719 Yes! 573 00:29:17,323 --> 00:29:18,623 No! 574 00:29:18,624 --> 00:29:20,624 (CHUCKLES) 575 00:29:21,460 --> 00:29:23,460 Arg! 576 00:29:24,830 --> 00:29:26,898 No, I... Oh, God, strewth. 577 00:29:28,534 --> 00:29:30,836 He's going surely now! 578 00:29:30,872 --> 00:29:32,872 Jesus! 579 00:29:35,707 --> 00:29:39,478 It just has too many horsepowers here. Come on! 580 00:29:41,948 --> 00:29:43,948 Oh, shit. 581 00:29:47,219 --> 00:29:49,520 Mr Clarkson is indisposed briefly. 582 00:29:49,587 --> 00:29:53,558 JEREMY: And moments later, so was Mr Hammond. 583 00:29:53,625 --> 00:29:55,625 No, no, no! 584 00:29:56,627 --> 00:29:58,627 Come on! 585 00:29:58,663 --> 00:30:03,234 So, having learned absolutely nothing at all... 586 00:30:03,301 --> 00:30:06,137 we decided to abandon the race track 587 00:30:06,204 --> 00:30:08,740 and embark on a 700-mile cruise 588 00:30:08,807 --> 00:30:11,509 to the south of France. 589 00:30:11,576 --> 00:30:15,047 James was very pleased with this plan. 590 00:30:15,114 --> 00:30:17,148 This is more like it, isn't it? 591 00:30:17,215 --> 00:30:18,884 Not mucking around on a race track, 592 00:30:18,884 --> 00:30:21,019 which is always a bad idea in old cars. 593 00:30:21,086 --> 00:30:23,086 We're going on a proper road trip 594 00:30:23,088 --> 00:30:24,923 to a lovely part of the world 595 00:30:24,923 --> 00:30:28,660 in very, very evocative, exotic cars- 596 00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,727 Maserati! 597 00:30:31,931 --> 00:30:34,700 In the 1970s, Maserati was naming all its cars 598 00:30:34,766 --> 00:30:38,136 after... exotic-sounding warm winds: 599 00:30:38,203 --> 00:30:41,173 Mistral, Khamsin, Bora. 600 00:30:43,308 --> 00:30:45,944 When I was a kid growing up in Doncaster, 601 00:30:46,011 --> 00:30:47,211 I just thought, 602 00:30:47,212 --> 00:30:49,315 "I've no idea what a Mistral is 603 00:30:49,381 --> 00:30:51,381 but I want one!" 604 00:30:52,250 --> 00:30:55,153 Maserati. South of France. 605 00:30:55,221 --> 00:31:00,526 It just sounds right. 606 00:31:00,592 --> 00:31:02,460 However, fairly soon, 607 00:31:02,461 --> 00:31:05,596 reality began to stick its unwelcome nose 608 00:31:05,663 --> 00:31:07,397 into the equation. 609 00:31:07,398 --> 00:31:11,938 You get no heat in here and I can't de-mist at all. 610 00:31:11,972 --> 00:31:13,939 The brakes. 611 00:31:13,940 --> 00:31:15,705 It brakes one wheel very well. 612 00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:19,310 But only one wheel at a time. And you never know which one. 613 00:31:22,981 --> 00:31:27,025 - James, are my lights dazzling you? - Yeah, a bit. 614 00:31:27,164 --> 00:31:32,022 Because they seem to be on main beam, but I can't dip them. 615 00:31:32,023 --> 00:31:34,425 JAMES: If I put my headlights on full beam, 616 00:31:34,492 --> 00:31:36,492 nobody coming the other way flashes at me. 617 00:31:38,064 --> 00:31:40,064 (RATTLING) 618 00:31:40,731 --> 00:31:42,733 You hear that rattling? 619 00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:44,800 That's the steering wheel. 620 00:31:47,472 --> 00:31:49,009 On top of the mechanical issues, 621 00:31:49,009 --> 00:31:50,375 there was the problem 622 00:31:50,375 --> 00:31:52,176 of James tackling the toll booths 623 00:31:52,177 --> 00:31:54,712 in his right-hand-drive car. 624 00:31:54,779 --> 00:31:56,779 (GROANS) 625 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,251 (GROANS) 626 00:32:03,689 --> 00:32:05,390 (GROANS) 627 00:32:05,391 --> 00:32:08,259 Ahh! Urgh! 628 00:32:08,326 --> 00:32:10,260 We've got 700 miles to go. 629 00:32:10,261 --> 00:32:14,000 It's going to take us for ever at this speed. 630 00:32:15,366 --> 00:32:17,403 JEREMY: And then, to cap it all... 631 00:32:17,469 --> 00:32:21,472 Jeremy, there are sparks coming from under your car. 632 00:32:23,009 --> 00:32:25,010 I think you probably need to stop. 633 00:32:27,578 --> 00:32:29,580 - Oh, look. - Something's on fire. 634 00:32:29,647 --> 00:32:32,351 - Fire! - Right. Might have to piss on it. 635 00:32:32,417 --> 00:32:36,486 - Oh, no! - Go round there! 636 00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:40,259 He's going to claim to be an emergency service now. 637 00:32:40,326 --> 00:32:42,227 JEREMY: Annoyingly, our road trip 638 00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:45,497 wasn't proving to be as stylish as we'd hoped. 639 00:32:47,398 --> 00:32:49,067 So, at the next petrol stop, 640 00:32:49,067 --> 00:32:51,103 with James failing to appreciate 641 00:32:51,170 --> 00:32:52,636 a present we'd bought for him... 642 00:32:52,637 --> 00:32:54,740 You used to have a good sense of humour. 643 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,375 I do have a good sense of humour when you're being funny. 644 00:32:57,442 --> 00:32:59,644 - Which you are sometimes. - ...I suggested a new idea. 645 00:32:59,711 --> 00:33:01,711 Listen, listen. I've had a thought. 646 00:33:01,712 --> 00:33:03,681 South of France is a long way away. 647 00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:07,419 So why don't we go to the north of France instead? 648 00:33:07,486 --> 00:33:09,520 - Yes! - That is a good idea. 649 00:33:09,587 --> 00:33:11,923 And there's much more to see and do in the north 650 00:33:12,057 --> 00:33:14,326 than there is in the south of France. 651 00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,761 What is there to see and do in the north of France? 652 00:33:16,827 --> 00:33:19,765 Well, there's the immigrant camp in Calais. 653 00:33:19,830 --> 00:33:23,469 There's that square where they set fire to a woman. 654 00:33:23,535 --> 00:33:25,535 Yes. 655 00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:35,114 There'll be other stuff. There will be other stuff. 656 00:33:36,082 --> 00:33:38,082 (CHEERING) 657 00:33:38,084 --> 00:33:40,219 OK. Thank you very much. 658 00:33:41,819 --> 00:33:45,124 Thank you so much. Thank you. 659 00:33:45,191 --> 00:33:46,856 We'll pick that up later on, 660 00:33:46,857 --> 00:33:50,796 but now it's time to play Celebrity Brain Crash! 661 00:33:50,862 --> 00:33:53,098 (CHEERING) 662 00:33:59,137 --> 00:34:01,940 - Yeah, it's still terrible. - Awful! 663 00:34:02,107 --> 00:34:05,644 OK, now what can we say about our guest this week? 664 00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:10,115 He's Scottish, but he won a gold medal at the Olympics. 665 00:34:10,148 --> 00:34:11,815 So of course he's British. 666 00:34:11,817 --> 00:34:13,318 (LAUGHTER) 667 00:34:13,318 --> 00:34:15,318 He started out in cycling, 668 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:17,422 then very wisely took up motor racing. 669 00:34:17,489 --> 00:34:19,724 He actually competed at Le Mans. 670 00:34:19,791 --> 00:34:21,425 But today he's in a boat. 671 00:34:21,427 --> 00:34:23,728 Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Chris Hoy! 672 00:34:23,795 --> 00:34:25,630 (CHEERING) 673 00:34:25,630 --> 00:34:27,630 There he is! 674 00:34:28,266 --> 00:34:30,302 There he is. 675 00:34:30,369 --> 00:34:32,137 He's gonna be all right. 676 00:34:32,137 --> 00:34:34,472 He's rowing it the wrong way round. 677 00:34:34,539 --> 00:34:38,108 The great thing is, everyone, the great thing is... 678 00:34:38,143 --> 00:34:44,382 that Loch Ness is a peaceful, inland lake with no hazards at all. 679 00:34:44,449 --> 00:34:48,186 We may finally get a guest to the studio. 680 00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:50,356 Yeah, that would be great. Get him in unharmed. 681 00:34:50,422 --> 00:34:52,458 - Come on, Sir Hoy! - Come on. 682 00:34:52,523 --> 00:34:54,760 - Come on, you can do it! - (EXPLOSION) - Oh, my... 683 00:34:54,826 --> 00:34:56,827 (AUDIENCE GASPS) 684 00:34:58,664 --> 00:35:00,666 (APPLAUSE) 685 00:35:04,469 --> 00:35:07,273 What happened? How...? What...? 686 00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:10,942 Ladies and gentlemen... 687 00:35:11,009 --> 00:35:15,581 you've just applauded the tragic death of Sir Hoy. 688 00:35:15,646 --> 00:35:16,813 Um... 689 00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:20,619 No idea. I think he must have hit a mine. 690 00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,753 And there was a terrific explosion, 691 00:35:22,820 --> 00:35:23,853 you may have seen it. 692 00:35:23,855 --> 00:35:25,356 And he's now... 693 00:35:25,356 --> 00:35:27,356 Well, he's gone, hasn't he? 694 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,028 Does that mean he's not coming on, then? 695 00:35:31,096 --> 00:35:33,096 Well, James, he's exploded 696 00:35:33,199 --> 00:35:35,701 and been reduced to chops and offal. 697 00:35:35,766 --> 00:35:38,369 So that is a no. 698 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:40,436 It's OK. I've got a backup plan. 699 00:35:40,438 --> 00:35:42,940 You know voice activation systems in cars? 700 00:35:43,007 --> 00:35:44,375 They don't really work, 701 00:35:44,376 --> 00:35:46,445 particularly they don't work in Scotland. 702 00:35:46,512 --> 00:35:48,980 As we shall now demonstrate with a short clip 703 00:35:49,047 --> 00:35:54,420 of a man trying to pair his telephone with his Vauxhall. 704 00:35:54,485 --> 00:35:58,690 MAN: Pair. VOICE SYSTEM: You can say "pair". 705 00:35:58,757 --> 00:36:04,028 Select device. For feedback, help or cancel... 706 00:36:04,094 --> 00:36:06,130 Pair. 707 00:36:06,231 --> 00:36:07,965 You can say "pair". 708 00:36:07,965 --> 00:36:10,001 I just (BLEEP) said pair! 709 00:36:10,068 --> 00:36:12,103 ...or cancel. 710 00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:14,239 Pair! 711 00:36:14,273 --> 00:36:17,242 You can say "pair". Select device. 712 00:36:17,309 --> 00:36:20,246 For feedback, help or cancel... 713 00:36:20,311 --> 00:36:23,514 (EXAGGERATED) Pa-a-a-ir. 714 00:36:24,750 --> 00:36:26,750 Pardon. 715 00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:30,389 What I really love about this guy 716 00:36:30,456 --> 00:36:33,625 is how long he perseveres for. 717 00:36:33,692 --> 00:36:34,858 Watch this. 718 00:36:34,860 --> 00:36:37,896 Pa-a-a-a-ir. 719 00:36:37,963 --> 00:36:40,266 Do you want to add or delete a device? 720 00:36:40,298 --> 00:36:43,101 - Yes! Add a device. - Pardon? 721 00:36:43,168 --> 00:36:45,168 Add a device. 722 00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,838 Using the pair function and the external device... 723 00:36:47,905 --> 00:36:49,907 Yah! 724 00:36:55,079 --> 00:36:57,882 He was brilliant. Anyway... 725 00:36:57,949 --> 00:37:00,286 That is the problem. That is the problem, 726 00:37:00,351 --> 00:37:03,621 but, Hammond, I have a solution. OK? 727 00:37:03,688 --> 00:37:05,923 No, don't scoff. Don't scoff. 728 00:37:05,990 --> 00:37:08,559 This is a system that is cheap, 729 00:37:08,626 --> 00:37:10,626 works anywhere in the world, 730 00:37:10,661 --> 00:37:12,597 and you can fit it to any car, 731 00:37:12,597 --> 00:37:14,766 no matter how old it is. 732 00:37:14,833 --> 00:37:18,936 Let me show you how it works, OK? Step in. 733 00:37:19,003 --> 00:37:21,139 Ready? Voice activation. 734 00:37:21,206 --> 00:37:23,309 Engage wipers. 735 00:37:26,311 --> 00:37:28,347 It's just a man! 736 00:37:28,414 --> 00:37:29,980 It's Gavril from Bulgaria. 737 00:37:29,981 --> 00:37:33,318 He can do anything. Right, select drive. 738 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,389 There you go. Call Bell-end. 739 00:37:38,889 --> 00:37:41,726 Now, he picks up the phone, he does all the dialling. 740 00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,829 My hands are on the wheel, I'm safe. 741 00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:46,565 He holds it next to my ear so it's hands-free. 742 00:37:46,632 --> 00:37:48,632 - (MOBILE RINGS) - Who's Bell-end? 743 00:37:52,338 --> 00:37:54,373 - What? - I don't want to talk to you. 744 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,775 End call! 745 00:37:56,842 --> 00:37:58,943 All right, then. 746 00:37:59,010 --> 00:38:01,045 Punch driver. 747 00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:03,079 Punch... It doesn't work. 748 00:38:03,081 --> 00:38:05,851 He won't respond to you, only me. That's the genius. 749 00:38:05,916 --> 00:38:08,219 And it gets better. Get out, OK. 750 00:38:08,353 --> 00:38:10,086 He locks the doors. 751 00:38:10,088 --> 00:38:12,690 And then he opens them when I get back 752 00:38:12,757 --> 00:38:14,757 so I don't have to have any keys with me, 753 00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:17,695 which would spoil the line of my jean trouser. 754 00:38:19,164 --> 00:38:20,697 Let me just re-cap this, OK. 755 00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,934 So in Whitby you turned a Romanian man 756 00:38:23,001 --> 00:38:24,969 - into a self-driving car. - Yes, I did. 757 00:38:24,969 --> 00:38:27,005 You turned me into a parking sensor. 758 00:38:27,072 --> 00:38:29,940 And now you've turned a Bulgarian man into a voice-control system. 759 00:38:30,007 --> 00:38:33,344 - Yes. - There's a theme establishing 760 00:38:33,471 --> 00:38:37,416 itself here, with your inventions, and it is that you're a moron. 761 00:38:39,050 --> 00:38:40,617 A-ha. OK. Watch this. 762 00:38:40,619 --> 00:38:42,820 You know, in a modern BMW 7 Series, 763 00:38:42,887 --> 00:38:44,989 you have back seats that massage you 764 00:38:45,056 --> 00:38:47,458 - as you drive along, yeah? - Yes. 765 00:38:49,695 --> 00:38:51,829 What I've done in here... is just genius. 766 00:38:51,896 --> 00:38:55,666 I have scooped out the middle of that back seat, OK? 767 00:38:55,733 --> 00:38:57,869 And then you can fit it with a Dwan Fen. 768 00:38:57,936 --> 00:38:59,903 - What's a Dwan Fen? - She's here. 769 00:38:59,905 --> 00:39:03,108 - She's from Thailand. - (LAUGHTER) 770 00:39:04,576 --> 00:39:06,711 I don't know why people are laughing at this. 771 00:39:06,777 --> 00:39:09,847 She now blends perfectly with the seat, OK? 772 00:39:09,914 --> 00:39:11,949 She is the seat. 773 00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,052 So I step in... like so. 774 00:39:16,186 --> 00:39:19,690 And then...I get a massage as I drive along. 775 00:39:19,757 --> 00:39:21,659 Ooh! 776 00:39:21,659 --> 00:39:25,295 James, James... he's sitting on a Thai woman now. 777 00:39:25,431 --> 00:39:27,666 I know. Come back over here, and we'll move it on. 778 00:39:27,733 --> 00:39:29,735 We'll go back to the Maserati film. 779 00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,469 Now, so far we have established 780 00:39:31,469 --> 00:39:33,137 that I've broken my arm, 781 00:39:33,137 --> 00:39:36,442 but that the cars are working really rather well. 782 00:39:36,476 --> 00:39:38,108 Yes! And we rejoin the action 783 00:39:38,108 --> 00:39:40,043 after a night in a town called Deauville, 784 00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:43,213 where Jeremy had, for reasons known only to himself, 785 00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,081 decided to re-enact 786 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:50,456 the famous VW Golf advert from the '80s. 787 00:39:50,489 --> 00:39:54,324 JEREMY: This is the man who put a million on black 788 00:39:54,460 --> 00:39:56,460 and it came up red. 789 00:39:58,929 --> 00:40:01,967 This is the man who married a sex kitten, 790 00:40:02,032 --> 00:40:04,969 just as she turned into a cat. 791 00:40:07,038 --> 00:40:10,509 This is the man who moved into gold, 792 00:40:10,576 --> 00:40:13,177 just as the clever money moved out. 793 00:40:17,949 --> 00:40:23,521 This is the man who drives a Maserati. 794 00:40:24,523 --> 00:40:26,692 (ENGINE FAILS TO START) 795 00:40:28,626 --> 00:40:30,829 (ENGINE FAILS TO START) 796 00:40:31,929 --> 00:40:35,501 Start, you vicious bastard! 797 00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:40,271 Of course, being a Maserati, it did eventually begin. 798 00:40:40,338 --> 00:40:44,976 So we then fitted James's wheel with a new knob... 799 00:40:45,043 --> 00:40:47,846 and decided to go and play on the beach. 800 00:40:56,855 --> 00:40:58,855 Ha-ha! 801 00:41:08,233 --> 00:41:09,800 You really would have trouble doing this 802 00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:11,836 on a beach in the south of France 803 00:41:11,902 --> 00:41:14,773 because the whole thing would be covered 804 00:41:14,840 --> 00:41:18,543 in people turning their plastic surgery brown. 805 00:41:18,610 --> 00:41:21,746 Ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow-ow-ow-ow-ow. 806 00:41:24,014 --> 00:41:26,050 In the sea! 807 00:41:26,117 --> 00:41:28,119 Whoa! 808 00:41:30,655 --> 00:41:33,023 You can take a Maserati in the sea... 809 00:41:34,693 --> 00:41:37,896 because the rust-proofing is so good. 810 00:41:37,963 --> 00:41:40,931 After that, we enjoyed a picturesque walk 811 00:41:40,998 --> 00:41:43,034 and a philosophical debate. 812 00:41:43,101 --> 00:41:46,070 JEREMY: Is there anything on earth which is worse 813 00:41:46,137 --> 00:41:49,074 than having another man put sun cream on your back? 814 00:41:49,139 --> 00:41:50,641 JAMES: I've never experienced that. 815 00:41:50,641 --> 00:41:53,443 And then we played some sport. 816 00:41:53,579 --> 00:41:55,244 Penalty shoot-out 817 00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:58,115 in Maseratis on a beach in northern France. 818 00:42:01,652 --> 00:42:03,652 (POP) 819 00:42:08,827 --> 00:42:10,327 With our ball gone, 820 00:42:10,327 --> 00:42:12,228 we continued on our tour of Normandy, 821 00:42:12,230 --> 00:42:17,235 with our badly-built colleague moaning constantly. 822 00:42:17,302 --> 00:42:19,302 (JAMES GROANS) 823 00:42:19,304 --> 00:42:21,306 Has he been swapped for an old lady? 824 00:42:21,371 --> 00:42:23,608 JEREMY: He's always been an old lady. 825 00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:25,744 He was born an old lady! 826 00:42:25,811 --> 00:42:28,012 "Congratulations, Mrs May. It's an old lady!" 827 00:42:31,449 --> 00:42:36,021 As darkness fell, we reached the ancient town of Honfleur, 828 00:42:36,086 --> 00:42:38,086 where we decided to spend the night. 829 00:42:38,123 --> 00:42:40,759 Unfortunately, to reach our hotel, 830 00:42:40,826 --> 00:42:42,893 we had to navigate through a maze 831 00:42:42,960 --> 00:42:45,630 of tiny, medieval streets. 832 00:42:48,833 --> 00:42:51,469 JEREMY: Pardon. Sorry. 833 00:42:51,536 --> 00:42:54,639 RICHARD: This is narrow. Isn't it narrow? 834 00:42:57,307 --> 00:42:59,307 No. 835 00:43:02,648 --> 00:43:06,016 How did people manage in this town in the olden days 836 00:43:06,083 --> 00:43:08,653 when nobody had power steering? 837 00:43:09,688 --> 00:43:11,688 Oh, no. 838 00:43:12,456 --> 00:43:14,659 I do that how? 839 00:43:17,896 --> 00:43:20,097 - (CRUNCH) - Oh, my God. 840 00:43:21,298 --> 00:43:23,298 I'm totally stuck. 841 00:43:26,737 --> 00:43:29,206 Ow, ow, ow, ow. Cobbles. 842 00:43:33,844 --> 00:43:35,981 God almighty. 843 00:43:37,715 --> 00:43:39,751 I'm not sure that's possible. 844 00:43:48,259 --> 00:43:50,594 Oh, for... Is that...? 845 00:43:50,695 --> 00:43:52,461 You're in the way. 846 00:43:52,463 --> 00:43:54,699 It's a one-way street my way. 847 00:43:54,766 --> 00:43:56,065 It's a one-way street, yes. 848 00:43:56,067 --> 00:43:58,235 That's why me and the other cars 849 00:43:58,302 --> 00:44:00,170 are all coming this way. 850 00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:03,407 Please don't make me back up with this steering. 851 00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:06,443 Come on, it's a workout. 852 00:44:06,510 --> 00:44:08,311 Hammond, I am gonna kill you. 853 00:44:08,313 --> 00:44:10,849 - (HORN BEEPS) - Moment, s'il vous plaĂŽt. 854 00:44:12,449 --> 00:44:14,452 Mon ami... 855 00:44:14,518 --> 00:44:18,489 Il a conduit-ay son voiture 856 00:44:18,556 --> 00:44:20,556 comme la gorilla. 857 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,731 Vous devrez... le jambon 858 00:44:26,797 --> 00:44:28,900 prenez la rue Ă  gauche 859 00:44:28,967 --> 00:44:33,338 et nous sommes les champignons! 860 00:44:33,403 --> 00:44:37,242 With Jeremy out of the way, I could move on. 861 00:44:37,307 --> 00:44:39,208 But then... 862 00:44:39,210 --> 00:44:42,347 JAMES: Hammond, is that you with yellow lights coming up here? 863 00:44:42,413 --> 00:44:45,382 - Oh, my God. - That's a bit of bad luck. 864 00:44:45,449 --> 00:44:47,585 You're going to have to reverse up there, aren't you? 865 00:44:47,652 --> 00:44:50,521 I can't back up because it's preposterously narrow 866 00:44:50,588 --> 00:44:53,291 and I can't swivel my head round to look behind me. 867 00:44:53,358 --> 00:44:54,490 So now what? 868 00:44:54,492 --> 00:44:56,025 Well, I'm going the right way 869 00:44:56,027 --> 00:44:57,494 down the one-way street, 870 00:44:57,494 --> 00:44:59,163 so I have right of way. 871 00:44:59,164 --> 00:45:00,864 Urgh! 872 00:45:00,865 --> 00:45:03,869 Sorry, Hammond, you'll have to direct me a bit. 873 00:45:03,934 --> 00:45:07,072 - Right a bit. - My right or your right? 874 00:45:07,137 --> 00:45:08,672 Well, my right. Which is your left 875 00:45:08,672 --> 00:45:11,009 but you're steering in reverse. 876 00:45:11,076 --> 00:45:12,809 Hold it there and I'll go left. 877 00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,244 Your left or my left? 878 00:45:14,244 --> 00:45:16,313 Your right, my left as I'm looking. 879 00:45:16,380 --> 00:45:20,786 And your right as you're looking, i. e. your right. 880 00:45:20,818 --> 00:45:22,619 JEREMY: I had found the hotel, 881 00:45:22,619 --> 00:45:25,222 but clearly my colleagues were going to be a while. 882 00:45:25,289 --> 00:45:27,793 JAMES: When you say my left, do you mean my left 883 00:45:27,826 --> 00:45:29,559 if I'm facing the way I'm going 884 00:45:29,559 --> 00:45:31,061 or facing the way I'm facing? 885 00:45:31,061 --> 00:45:32,528 RICHARD: Good point. 886 00:45:32,530 --> 00:45:35,666 Your left is still my right. 887 00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:39,536 But you're going backwards. Just drive backwards! 888 00:45:39,603 --> 00:45:41,907 I'm going to the hotel now but I'll leave this on 889 00:45:41,972 --> 00:45:44,641 so you can stay in tune with what they're doing. 890 00:45:44,708 --> 00:45:46,708 JAMES: I don't believe I've come the wrong way 891 00:45:46,811 --> 00:45:48,847 down a one-way street. I know. 892 00:45:48,914 --> 00:45:51,817 RICHARD: Are you making your situation better or worse? 893 00:45:51,882 --> 00:45:54,952 Better? Worse? Better? Worse? 894 00:45:55,019 --> 00:45:57,889 - (BELL CHIMES) - When Richard and James 895 00:45:58,014 --> 00:46:00,324 did finally join me, we reflected over dinner 896 00:46:00,324 --> 00:46:03,228 about our time in the north of France. 897 00:46:03,293 --> 00:46:06,063 It's been just a tremendous journey. 898 00:46:06,130 --> 00:46:08,699 We've had three Maseratis out here for three days 899 00:46:08,833 --> 00:46:11,402 and we've only had one minor fire. 900 00:46:11,469 --> 00:46:14,639 Can I just say, and I'm being absolutely honest here, 901 00:46:14,704 --> 00:46:16,139 I love my Maserati. 902 00:46:16,141 --> 00:46:18,543 - I've totally fallen for it. - Yes. 903 00:46:18,608 --> 00:46:20,644 I really like mine. 904 00:46:20,710 --> 00:46:22,211 No car makes a better noise. 905 00:46:22,213 --> 00:46:24,248 No two-litre car makes a better noise than that. 906 00:46:24,315 --> 00:46:26,317 I love it more now than when I started. 907 00:46:26,384 --> 00:46:28,217 I definitely want to keep mine. 908 00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:31,056 I want to know what it's like to drive with two arms. 909 00:46:31,121 --> 00:46:33,157 Because we all loved our cars so much, 910 00:46:33,224 --> 00:46:35,659 I decided we should end our road trip 911 00:46:35,726 --> 00:46:38,063 with a spicy climax. 912 00:46:38,128 --> 00:46:41,298 Why don't we race back to England, OK? 913 00:46:41,365 --> 00:46:44,302 First thing in the morning. Last one back there... 914 00:46:45,436 --> 00:46:47,204 has to sell their car. 915 00:46:47,204 --> 00:46:49,340 - Ooh, that's cruel. - That's harsh. 916 00:46:49,407 --> 00:46:53,143 It's not entirely fair on me, is it? 917 00:46:54,278 --> 00:46:55,445 Hello. Why not? 918 00:46:55,445 --> 00:46:57,882 You chose to come equipped with one arm. 919 00:46:57,918 --> 00:46:59,349 It's your issue, not ours. 920 00:46:59,349 --> 00:47:02,387 So we set off from here, all at the same time. 921 00:47:02,452 --> 00:47:05,990 Any route you like. Last one... 922 00:47:06,891 --> 00:47:08,927 back on English soil, 923 00:47:08,994 --> 00:47:10,327 has to sell their car. 924 00:47:10,327 --> 00:47:12,128 I'm up for it. I'll risk it 925 00:47:12,130 --> 00:47:14,132 cos that'll make the trip home exciting. 926 00:47:14,199 --> 00:47:16,199 I'll do it. Last one home... 927 00:47:23,074 --> 00:47:24,942 As dawn broke, 928 00:47:24,943 --> 00:47:26,943 we lined up outside the hotel, 929 00:47:26,978 --> 00:47:28,978 ready for the off. 930 00:47:28,980 --> 00:47:30,914 JEREMY: Gentlemen, it's ten to four in the morning. 931 00:47:30,916 --> 00:47:32,748 Let's do this. 932 00:47:32,750 --> 00:47:35,320 In three, two, one... Begin! 933 00:47:35,385 --> 00:47:38,023 (JEREMY'S ENGINE FAILS TO START) 934 00:47:38,088 --> 00:47:40,088 (HORN TOOTS) 935 00:47:40,125 --> 00:47:43,128 (ENGINE FINALLY STARTS THEN STALLS) 936 00:47:44,228 --> 00:47:46,096 Blast! 937 00:47:46,097 --> 00:47:48,097 - (ENGINE STARTS) - Come on! 938 00:47:51,202 --> 00:47:53,304 No! No! 939 00:47:53,371 --> 00:47:55,539 At all costs, I am winning this. 940 00:47:58,242 --> 00:48:00,478 - (GROANS) - (FROG SQUEAKS) 941 00:48:00,545 --> 00:48:04,481 This is typical. Typical of Italian cars. 942 00:48:04,548 --> 00:48:06,952 They wait until you really need them, 943 00:48:07,018 --> 00:48:09,954 and then they go wrong. 944 00:48:09,987 --> 00:48:11,987 "Oh, darling, darling, I'm in labour! Quickly!" 945 00:48:12,023 --> 00:48:14,224 "Yes, I'm on my way in my Maserati." 946 00:48:14,291 --> 00:48:16,291 (CROAKS) 947 00:48:18,096 --> 00:48:20,297 Right. Up here. 948 00:48:21,498 --> 00:48:24,235 Some of this is familiar, which is bad. 949 00:48:25,603 --> 00:48:28,639 Oh, no, not lost now. 950 00:48:28,706 --> 00:48:31,608 JEREMY: Once again, I'd managed to coax my car 951 00:48:31,675 --> 00:48:33,143 into some kind of life 952 00:48:33,143 --> 00:48:34,978 and I was on my way. 953 00:48:34,980 --> 00:48:37,148 So, straight out of town. 954 00:48:38,983 --> 00:48:43,221 - (DEEP RATTLING) - Sounding healthy. 955 00:48:43,288 --> 00:48:45,523 With a top speed of about 12, 956 00:48:45,590 --> 00:48:48,126 I was headed for the ferry port of Le Havre. 957 00:48:48,193 --> 00:48:49,858 The trouble is that logically, 958 00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:52,630 the others would be doing the same thing. 959 00:48:55,032 --> 00:48:59,369 Car, clear your throat, please. 960 00:49:01,672 --> 00:49:03,672 I'm out! 961 00:49:03,673 --> 00:49:05,673 Right, England, here I come. 962 00:49:08,278 --> 00:49:11,016 Clear your throat, car! Clear it! 963 00:49:11,081 --> 00:49:12,815 Or we shall be last. 964 00:49:12,817 --> 00:49:15,585 And then I shall have to sell you, and not to someone nice. 965 00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,623 You know that man who has sex with his cars 966 00:49:19,690 --> 00:49:22,126 and then puts pictures of it on the internet? 967 00:49:22,193 --> 00:49:24,027 I'm going to sell you to him 968 00:49:24,028 --> 00:49:27,398 unless you get going. Now, come on! 969 00:49:27,465 --> 00:49:30,101 - Hang on a minute. - No! 970 00:49:30,168 --> 00:49:32,168 No, no, no, no! 971 00:49:37,074 --> 00:49:39,074 Big road. Yes! 972 00:49:41,045 --> 00:49:42,445 RICHARD: James, meanwhile, 973 00:49:42,447 --> 00:49:44,213 was dawdling along at the back. 974 00:49:44,215 --> 00:49:48,818 Yet he seemed strangely unconcerned about this. 975 00:49:48,885 --> 00:49:51,755 On the face of it, viewers, this isn't much of a race, 976 00:49:51,822 --> 00:49:54,224 because I've got the slowest car, we know that. 977 00:49:54,291 --> 00:49:56,460 I only have the use of one arm 978 00:49:56,527 --> 00:49:57,827 and I'm steering 979 00:49:57,827 --> 00:50:01,099 with a squeaky frog bolted to the wheel. 980 00:50:01,166 --> 00:50:03,768 However, it's not that simple. 981 00:50:03,833 --> 00:50:06,804 - (SQUEAK) - In fact, 982 00:50:06,871 --> 00:50:09,005 I believe I will be first. 983 00:50:09,074 --> 00:50:12,177 Because he who is last shall be first. 984 00:50:12,242 --> 00:50:14,344 As we know. 985 00:50:17,815 --> 00:50:19,849 Coming up now to the motorway. 986 00:50:19,916 --> 00:50:22,119 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 987 00:50:23,820 --> 00:50:25,820 Come on, car. Please! 988 00:50:29,494 --> 00:50:31,528 It's made it up the slip road. 989 00:50:31,596 --> 00:50:34,632 Have you ever known a car with more spirit 990 00:50:34,699 --> 00:50:37,402 than this magnificent Maserati? 991 00:50:37,467 --> 00:50:41,206 However, the gradient on the slip road was nothing 992 00:50:41,271 --> 00:50:43,340 compared to what lay ahead. 993 00:50:48,679 --> 00:50:50,679 Oh, my giddy aunt. 994 00:50:53,983 --> 00:50:56,286 Port, where is it? 995 00:50:56,353 --> 00:50:58,623 If I get there first, I've got to wait for the ferry. 996 00:50:58,688 --> 00:51:00,791 They could catch up, but I'll be ahead in the queue. 997 00:51:00,858 --> 00:51:03,927 Whoever gets on the boat first gets off the boat first, 998 00:51:03,994 --> 00:51:05,329 and you can't change that. 999 00:51:05,329 --> 00:51:07,797 First on the boat is first off the boat. 1000 00:51:07,864 --> 00:51:09,864 They win. 1001 00:51:17,375 --> 00:51:18,974 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 1002 00:51:18,976 --> 00:51:20,409 Right, calm, Jeremy, calm. 1003 00:51:20,411 --> 00:51:22,411 You're on a motorway. 1004 00:51:22,447 --> 00:51:24,280 On an enormous bridge, 1005 00:51:24,282 --> 00:51:26,282 surrounded by many heavy lorries. 1006 00:51:27,318 --> 00:51:29,353 (EXHAUST SPLUTTERS) 1007 00:51:29,420 --> 00:51:31,420 - (BANG) - Oh, no. 1008 00:51:31,456 --> 00:51:33,824 I can hear the exhaust spluttering. 1009 00:51:33,891 --> 00:51:37,362 Smoke. A lot of smoke now. 1010 00:51:39,963 --> 00:51:43,168 Please! Please work! 1011 00:51:44,735 --> 00:51:48,172 Mercifully, I reach the top of the bridge. 1012 00:51:48,208 --> 00:51:50,708 But then... 1013 00:51:50,775 --> 00:51:52,775 (SPLUTTERS AND STALLS) 1014 00:51:54,077 --> 00:51:55,445 It's dead. 1015 00:51:55,445 --> 00:51:58,315 Shit, I've lost braking. I have lost braking. 1016 00:51:58,382 --> 00:52:01,385 Bloody hell. Handbrake not working, either. 1017 00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:03,920 I've lost all brakes. 1018 00:52:03,987 --> 00:52:06,224 There was only one thing for it. 1019 00:52:10,894 --> 00:52:12,496 I have no brakes! 1020 00:52:12,496 --> 00:52:13,996 You've just hit our car! 1021 00:52:13,998 --> 00:52:15,298 I haven't got any brakes! 1022 00:52:15,300 --> 00:52:16,932 They're not pleased 1023 00:52:16,934 --> 00:52:19,637 about being used as a brake. 1024 00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,204 This is totally illegal, by the way, 1025 00:52:21,206 --> 00:52:22,773 on a French motorway. 1026 00:52:22,775 --> 00:52:24,340 Right, so I've no brakes 1027 00:52:24,342 --> 00:52:26,342 and no engine. 1028 00:52:31,315 --> 00:52:33,451 Think, Jeremy, think. 1029 00:52:36,019 --> 00:52:38,655 Port. Yes, hello. 1030 00:52:38,722 --> 00:52:41,125 Unaware of Jeremy's problems, 1031 00:52:41,226 --> 00:52:43,527 I was keeping the hammer down. 1032 00:52:45,329 --> 00:52:46,862 Holiday-makers! 1033 00:52:46,864 --> 00:52:49,666 I hate holiday-makers! 1034 00:52:49,733 --> 00:52:51,733 (HORN BLARES) 1035 00:52:52,101 --> 00:52:54,405 Trucks. 1036 00:52:54,472 --> 00:52:57,608 I'm going to get caught up with all the trucks. 1037 00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:00,844 Meanwhile, back in the land of Captain Cryptic... 1038 00:53:00,911 --> 00:53:02,911 (JAMES HUMS TO HIMSELF) 1039 00:53:06,617 --> 00:53:08,318 Do you know, I'm so relaxed about this, 1040 00:53:08,318 --> 00:53:09,652 I think, in a short while, 1041 00:53:09,653 --> 00:53:11,889 I might stop for a pleasant coffee 1042 00:53:11,956 --> 00:53:14,525 and a read of the newspaper. 1043 00:53:17,295 --> 00:53:19,329 Not got time for you, mate. I'm sorry. 1044 00:53:19,396 --> 00:53:21,498 Car! Car! 1045 00:53:24,001 --> 00:53:26,001 Oh, God. Another roundabout. 1046 00:53:26,036 --> 00:53:28,373 It's like I'm in the middle of bloody town. 1047 00:53:30,641 --> 00:53:32,677 I need to find my own route. 1048 00:53:32,742 --> 00:53:34,844 There must be sneaky ways through. 1049 00:53:41,619 --> 00:53:43,619 This could be good. This could be good. 1050 00:53:52,061 --> 00:53:53,730 Down there. 1051 00:53:53,731 --> 00:53:55,731 Oh! 1052 00:53:56,733 --> 00:53:59,869 Dead end. Not that way. Bloody hell. 1053 00:54:16,019 --> 00:54:19,824 My shortcut wasn't going well. 1054 00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:26,731 Where are they and more importantly where am I? 1055 00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:34,003 This was a mistake. This is making things worse. 1056 00:54:34,070 --> 00:54:36,072 It's just costing time. 1057 00:54:36,139 --> 00:54:38,106 And, as it turned out, 1058 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:41,244 time was something I didn't have. 1059 00:54:41,346 --> 00:54:43,981 I am now down to one turbo charger, 1060 00:54:44,047 --> 00:54:46,047 but I'm back in the race. 1061 00:54:49,353 --> 00:54:55,159 Yes, I'm at the wheel of a Renault DCI 120 tow truck. 1062 00:54:55,224 --> 00:54:56,793 And what's more, I've decided 1063 00:54:56,793 --> 00:54:59,496 to head for the port as the crow flies. 1064 00:55:02,632 --> 00:55:04,635 Oh, yes! 1065 00:55:09,106 --> 00:55:11,376 Oh, God, no! 1066 00:55:13,510 --> 00:55:15,713 This looks good. 1067 00:55:17,382 --> 00:55:19,382 Yes. Ferry terminal. 1068 00:55:20,184 --> 00:55:22,184 This is all correct. 1069 00:55:26,190 --> 00:55:27,423 That is Jeremy! 1070 00:55:27,425 --> 00:55:28,525 There's Hammond! 1071 00:55:28,525 --> 00:55:30,259 What is he doing? 1072 00:55:30,260 --> 00:55:32,429 Kill him! 1073 00:55:34,398 --> 00:55:36,400 I have to win. I have to win. 1074 00:55:37,902 --> 00:55:40,971 A roundabout. Oh, bloody hell. Really? 1075 00:55:44,809 --> 00:55:48,211 The problem was that the port of Le Havre is so vast 1076 00:55:48,277 --> 00:55:51,715 and so complex, it was very easy to get lost. 1077 00:55:51,782 --> 00:55:54,885 This was still anyone's race. 1078 00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,557 Where is Hammond? Where is May? 1079 00:56:01,559 --> 00:56:03,559 Where is the boat? 1080 00:56:04,561 --> 00:56:06,731 Come on, come on, come on. 1081 00:56:06,797 --> 00:56:08,431 (SQUEAK) 1082 00:56:08,432 --> 00:56:10,568 (HUMS) 1083 00:56:17,907 --> 00:56:20,143 This is wrong. This is wrong. 1084 00:56:27,751 --> 00:56:29,152 It's got to be down here. 1085 00:56:29,152 --> 00:56:31,152 Yes! 1086 00:56:33,757 --> 00:56:37,594 Did I have some carpet stuck under the throttle? 1087 00:56:37,661 --> 00:56:40,965 Cos my DCI 120's going like a bastard! 1088 00:56:47,972 --> 00:56:51,175 Yes! This looks good. This is the place. 1089 00:56:55,579 --> 00:56:58,715 Good van. Good van. The boat is there. 1090 00:56:58,782 --> 00:57:02,018 There is Richard Hammond. Is James May here? 1091 00:57:03,487 --> 00:57:05,153 No, he is not! 1092 00:57:05,155 --> 00:57:06,789 He is not. 1093 00:57:06,791 --> 00:57:08,791 Yes! 1094 00:57:10,661 --> 00:57:13,197 Ha-ha! No May? 1095 00:57:17,668 --> 00:57:19,302 JAMES: No, and there wouldn't be, 1096 00:57:19,302 --> 00:57:21,505 because I was in another part of the port 1097 00:57:21,572 --> 00:57:23,574 with my own travel plans. 1098 00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:25,943 Last night, after the other two had gone to bed, 1099 00:57:26,010 --> 00:57:28,512 I arranged for our company yacht 1100 00:57:28,545 --> 00:57:31,615 to be waiting for me in the harbour. 1101 00:57:31,681 --> 00:57:33,684 And there it is! 1102 00:57:39,523 --> 00:57:42,827 I simply drive up, hop aboard, 1103 00:57:42,893 --> 00:57:44,893 and then we'll be on our way. 1104 00:58:01,010 --> 00:58:03,010 (JAMES GROANS) 1105 00:58:05,550 --> 00:58:07,751 (CHEERING) 1106 00:58:11,121 --> 00:58:13,990 - He lived, annoyingly. - Hold on, hold on. 1107 00:58:14,057 --> 00:58:15,925 Hold on. Hammond. 1108 00:58:15,925 --> 00:58:17,760 I need to ask you about this. 1109 00:58:17,762 --> 00:58:21,264 Why did you stick "Deshabille" on my car? 1110 00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:24,001 Because you were disabled. 1111 00:58:24,068 --> 00:58:28,572 Déshabillé means undressed, you moron! 1112 00:58:28,608 --> 00:58:30,438 Let's not get bogged down 1113 00:58:30,440 --> 00:58:31,974 with "Ooh, can't speak French." 1114 00:58:31,976 --> 00:58:35,746 Let's get to the point which is, James May, 1115 00:58:35,813 --> 00:58:38,916 you lost and you broke the company yacht. 1116 00:58:38,983 --> 00:58:40,750 - You did. - Hang on a minute. 1117 00:58:40,751 --> 00:58:43,688 My car got closer to England than yours did. 1118 00:58:43,753 --> 00:58:45,588 Yes, but the other thing it got closest to 1119 00:58:45,590 --> 00:58:47,222 was the bottom of the sea. 1120 00:58:47,224 --> 00:58:48,925 All of that is irrelevant 1121 00:58:48,925 --> 00:58:50,659 because my car was the best, 1122 00:58:50,661 --> 00:58:52,494 cos it didn't go wrong at all. 1123 00:58:52,496 --> 00:58:54,130 Mine was perfectly reliable. 1124 00:58:54,130 --> 00:58:57,134 Mm-hm. Mine was as reliable as James's arms. 1125 00:58:57,201 --> 00:59:01,271 And the extraordinary thing is, no-one can work out 1126 00:59:01,338 --> 00:59:02,706 what was wrong with it. 1127 00:59:02,706 --> 00:59:04,909 It fell off the back of a lorry. 1128 00:59:04,974 --> 00:59:06,943 No- one can work out what fault it had 1129 00:59:06,943 --> 00:59:09,713 that caused it to be on the lorry in the first place. 1130 00:59:09,780 --> 00:59:11,815 And even nine months down the line, 1131 00:59:11,882 --> 00:59:15,885 two trained Maserati mechanics are totally stumped. 1132 00:59:15,952 --> 00:59:18,355 It is an unfathomable fault. 1133 00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:20,289 Yeah, so what we can conclude 1134 00:59:20,289 --> 00:59:23,492 from our exhaustive testing in the north of France 1135 00:59:23,628 --> 00:59:25,630 is that if you buy a used Maserati, 1136 00:59:25,695 --> 00:59:28,998 you have a 66% chance of it working. 1137 00:59:30,367 --> 00:59:31,668 They're not bad odds. 1138 00:59:31,670 --> 00:59:32,969 You wouldn't say that 1139 00:59:32,969 --> 00:59:35,271 if you were having an eye operation. 1140 00:59:35,338 --> 00:59:37,775 Exactly. And on that terrible disappointment, it's time to end. 1141 00:59:37,842 --> 00:59:40,376 Thank you so much for watching. Good night! 1142 00:59:40,443 --> 00:59:42,646 (CHEERING)