It is Friday morning.
And it is another beautiful day
in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Oh, my God.
Oh!
Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.
Oh, we have a serious problem here.
All right, everybody.
Lock the doors. Turn off the lights.
Pretend you're not here.
Are we in danger?
There's no time to think about it. This is real.
Just shh, everybody.
Michael, should I call the...
What?
The I.T. tech guy and me
did not get off to a great start.
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Yeah, I tried to install it myself,
but you guys have these things
so password-protected.
That just means you have to enter your password.
Uh...
What's your password, Michael?
Um, it's...
Oh. 1, 2, 3, 4. Yes.
Michael... Aah! Gah!
Please don't do that.
Okay, I'm sorry. What is going on in there?
Why is he here? What are you doing?
I can't tell you.
You have to tell me.
I don't have to tell you anything.
Look, Michael.
I know you don't want to have to think about this,
but if something were to happen to you,
God forbid, then I would need to know
in order to take over.
Dwight, nothing is gonna happen to me. Okay?
I'm in the best shape of my life.
Look at at this. Grr!
Yeah, but that doesn't matter.
You could get a brain aneurysm.
I'm not gonna... Or hit by a car.
Stop. Or a bus or a train.
You could get poisoned. Fall down a well.
Step on a mine. Choke.
Okay, if I step on a mine in Scranton, Pennsylvania,
and die, you can have my job. Okay?
Why don't you just go away?
There are certain things
a boss does not share with his employees.
His salary. That would depress them.
His bed.
And I am not going to tell them
that I'll be reading their e-mails.
So how do you search?
By keyword phrase.
Try profits.
No, try Michael Scott.
Michael, boss, and funny.
Oh, my God! Wow!
E-mail from Stanley.
Stanley. Terribly nice guy.
"Sorry I didn't write back sooner.
"I can't go to the game tonight
"because my boss Michael is an ass
and making me stay late."
Well, Stanley's an ass.
Not one of our harder workers.
Hey, what's the deal, Michael?
Why are you spying on our computers?
Oh, no!
Everybody, Oscar's gone crazy.
What other ghost stories do you have for us?
That I'm a robot?
I will destroy everything in my path.
Actually, we just...
Boop! Beep! Bop!
Okay. Bonk!
Boop boop. Oil can.
Oil can.
Tin Man.
Actually we just got a memo from I.T.
saying you're doing e-mail surveillance.
Oh, what? No, that defeats the whole purpose.
So it's true? You have access to our e-mails?
You know what the problem is?
I think I do.
The problem is that when people
hear the term "Big Brother"
they immediately think it's scary or bad.
But I don't. I think, "Wow. I love my Big Brother."
I gotta erase a lot of stuff.
A lot of stuff.
Oh, hey. Just so you know.
If you have any sensitive e-mails,
they need to be deleted immediately.
I know.
Good.
Hey.
Something just happened.
Dwight just told Angela that she has to delete
all of her sensitive e-mails immediately.
What? I know.
Hmm.
Do you think that they're like...
No. Right, no.
Ugh! Ew.
Ew, ew, ew.
Maybe.
It's like squishing a spider under a book.
It's gonna be really gross, but I have to look
and make sure that it's really dead.
So if you guys see anything...
Hey, Dwight? Um...
My friend is kind of into
these two girls that he works with.
Nice. One is tall and brunette.
And the other one is short and blonde
and perky and kind of judgmental.
Who do you think he should choose?
Does he have access to their medical records?
Um...
I think one of the greatest things about modern America
is the computerization of medical records.
As a volunteer sheriff, I can look up
anyone's psychiatric records or surgical histories.
Yeast infections.
There are huge number
of yeast infections in this county.
Probably because we're down river
from that old bread factory.
Meredith has an E-vite
from Jim.
"Barbecue at Jim's tonight."
Tonight? Wonder where my e-vitation is?
Click on guest list.
Angela. Stanley. Oscar.
Meredith. Phyllis. Kevin. Creed.
Must be...
No.
Hey, Angela. How's it going?
It's okay.
Listen, are you bringing anyone
to Jim's party tonight?
No. Are we supposed to?
No. I mean I don't know. I don't think so.
Hmm. Excuse me.
Oh.
There's always a distance
between a boss and the employees.
It is just nature's rule.
It's intimidation, mostly.
It's the awareness that they are not me.
I do think that I am very approachable
as one of the guys.
But maybe I need to be even approachabler.
Ahem.
That's pretty, um... Yeah.
Are you gonna eat with us?
Of course.
Hanging with my crew.
Crew that I am one of.
Hanging with my Cup of Noodles.
This is a meal in a cup right here.
Hot, tasty. Reminds me of college.
Lived on this stuff. Brain food. Mmm.
You know what I really, really miss about college?
The parties. Everybody'd go.
The athletes. The nerds. The professors.
The professors would go to the parties?
Yeah. They were the most fun.
We always invited them.
It's true. I'm having a party.
I've got three cases of imported beer.
Karaoke machine.
And I didn't invite Michael.
So three ingredients for a great party.
And it's nothing personal.
I just think if he were there,
people wouldn't be able to relax.
You know, have fun.
And my roommate wants to meet everybody.
Because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm making Dwight up.
He is very real.
What?
Oh! Yes!
Thank you.
Question.
On the Internet, there are several different options
to get to your house for the party tonight.
Oh, um, no. No, no, no. Keep that down.
Why?
Because not everybody knows about the party.
Like who? Who doesn't know?
Um, Michael.
Why just Michael?
'Cause it's a surprise.
Is it? Mm-hmm.
Oh, that's perfect.
So don't tell.
I won't. Okay.
So, Dwight thinks that tonight
is a surprise party for Michael.
Really? That's great. I know.
Maybe we can get him to hide and wait somewhere.
Oh, man.
Oh, you know what? Speaking of which,
I was just trying to get a handle on,
you know, numbers for food and stuff.
So do you think Roy's gonna come or...
Oh, no. He can't make it.
Oh, okay. Cool.
Here. Hey.
Almost quitting time.
Yep. It's 4:00.
One more hour
to take care of anything you forgot to do.
Hey, I don't know if you have any plans tonight,
but if you don't, we could hang out.
Oh, um... I can't.
You have plans? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I do.
Yeah, I do too, I do too. Oh, you do?
Big plans. I do, yeah.
Because you just said you wanted to hang out...
Tonight, I can't do it tonight.
No. Improv class. I have improv class.
Hanging out with my improv buds. Really?
Yeah. Oh, that sounds like a lot of fun.
Oh, it's the best. It is the best.
I would not miss it for the world.
But if something else came up, I would definitely not go.
Improv sounds great.
It is.
Okay.
All right.
What?
I think Stanley just coughed.
Hey, Pam. Do you need me to walk you to your vehicular transport?
No, thanks.
All right.
Oscar, you have big plans tonight...
I'm on a call. Okay.
Kevin. Big man, big man. What are you doing tonight?
Where you off to?
My brother is in town
and we are going to see the Alaska Film Festival at...
Okay, all right.
Hey, Angela. Rushy, rushy.
Where you rushing off to?
I'm just leaving for the day.
Yeah, well, duh. Where are you headed?
Charity. Bake Drive.
Liar! You are a liar.
No, I'm not!
Ohh. Dwight.
Oh, Dwight, my loyal compadre.
You and I are hanging tonight.
The two of us. We are celebrating
our freedom and our manhood.
You know what?
Why don't we watch that show you've been wanting to watch?
That stupid Battleship Galaxy...
Battlestar Galactica?
That's... Whatever stupid show you want to watch.
I can't tonight. Unfortunately I've got plans.
I have to go to practice. Soccer practice.
I didn't know you played soccer, Dwight.
Clarinet.
You too, Dwight?
Have fun tonight.
Whatever it is that you're doing.
And I'll see you Monday.
He has no idea.
Quick announcement, everybody.
If I could have everybody's attention.
We do have wine in the kitchen.
And there is beer available on the porch.
And despite what you might think,
it's not all for Meredith and Kelly.
So please enjoy.
Jim, you really think this is a good idea?
Huh? A hide-a-key rock?
Hey, you must be Dwight.
You don't work with us.
That's because Mark's my roommate.
Oh.
Hey, I love the Birkenstocks.
Thanks. Yeah, I always keep an extra set in the car
for special occasions.
Jim, come here. Mm-hmm?
When is the guest of honor coming?
Oh. Uh, later-ish.
He's gonna love it!
Great. I just wanted to let you guys know
that we will be taking the tour like I promised...
Hey. Hey!
Just in time. Do you want to go on a group tour?
We were just about to leave.
Definitely.
Well, the group tour is now leaving then.
Ladies and gentlemen, just a few things
that we're going to be pointing out to you today.
You will be able to see both bedrooms.
And if we're lucky,
maybe get a chance to peek into the bathroom.
Who knows? I have to remind you also
that flash photography is prohibited.
And as much as you can,
please refrain from touching things.
I know you might want to.
Hey, is Katie coming?
Um, actually I haven't talked to her in a while.
Huh? Oh. Is it cool if I call her?
We'll talk about that later.
Okay, let's get right into it.
I need two people for the first scene.
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Mr. Kotter!
Mr. Kot-ter!
Okay. Michael. And...
Anybody?
How about Marybeth?
Okay. Come on.
Okay, so you start us off, Marybeth.
All right, great. Okay.
Boom! Detective Michael Scott!
I'm with the FBI!
Think about this. What is the most exciting thing
that can happen on TV or in movies
or in real life? Somebody has a gun.
That's why I always start with a gun
because you can't top it. You just can't.
I'm supposed to meet my doctor here.
Have you seen him? He's a very angry midget.
Boom! Freeze!
Michael Scarn, FBI!
You know what you did.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Yeah, you thought you could get away
with your little ruse didn't you? Didn't you?
Well, you didn't.
Because I know where you hid the diamonds.
I've been on to you and your little friends for weeks.
Boom! Boom! Boom!
I'm not even in the scene!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Stop. Stop! Stop.
Okay. You shot me. Great. Stop.
Okay, you can't just shoot everyone in the scene.
Well, if you hadn't stopped the scene,
you would've seen where it was going.
Okay. What about the scene they set up?
Boring.
No, it wasn't. No more guns. No, no.
Michael, I want you to give me all the guns you have.
Just get rid of all your guns and give them to me.
Great. Bleh!
Bleh. Okay.
Jim's bedroom.
See, I knew we lost somebody on the tour.
Cool. This is your desk.
This is my desk.
Your home office.
Home office. This is it. Yeah.
You have to sit down so I can get the full effect.
Okay. Sure. Will do.
Okay, wait. So that would make me...
Like right here.
Yeah. Yep, that feels about right.
And then Dwight would be like...
You know what? Let's just leave that image out of it.
Because this is a happy place.
Happy thoughts, Pam. Happy thoughts.
Um... oh! Yearbook.
Yeah, you don't have to, um...
All right. Yes, that's not gonna be awkward at all.
Oh, no! Oh, yeah.
You were so dorky! Thank you.
Freeze. I'm in.
Do you want to go over the rules one more time?
No, no, no, no.
I'm looking in my wallet for money
so you can tell me my fortune.
I promise it's worth it.
Oh, I can see you walking out of here,
and you're thrilled with your reading.
What are you...
Michael, what did you tell him?
Nothing.
Then why are his hands up? Bill?
He told me he couldn't show it to me,
but he has a gun.
Okay. Let's call it a day.
Good. That was good.
Good work, everybody.
Angela, burger, dog? Having fun?
I got sap on me.
Chicken, hot dog, burger.
I'm a vegetarian.
There's soda inside.
Oh.
I didn't think the premium
laser color copy batch
would sell as well as it did.
It surprised us all. I'll tell you why. Because...
I'm sorry, guys.
Can we please not talk about paper?
There's gotta be something else that we can talk about.
Ahem.
Um, I think it's all right.
I mean, jeez. It's late already.
Hmm.
Hey, Phyllis.
Come here for a second. Sure.
Have you heard anything
about any secret office romances or...
You tell me.
Well, you do mean you and Jim, right?
Oh, God. I am so sorry. I mean, I thought...
You guys hang out all the time.
And you're talking all the time.
I'm sorry. It's like...
It's okay. It's okay.
Ah! Not so fast, fire guy.
How do we get to Bernie's Tavern from here?
Oh, don't worry. We're all gonna carpool.
So, Bernie's, huh? We're all going to Bernie's?
Oh, uh, sorry. We're not going as a group.
It's just a private friend
who happens to know all of us from different ways
is throwing a private birthday thing.
Right, right, right. Well, guys, I'd love to go
to Bernie's with you. But you know what?
I have an office party.
Big office party I need to go to.
So can't get out of it.
Good job. Hey, see you later.
Nice job, Bill. Not.
Oh, hey, how's your new side project going?
Um, oh, yeah. I gave that up.
Really? Yeah. It turns out I was, um,
just grasping at straws.
Just because two people are hanging out,
it doesn't mean that they're together.
You know? Like people can just be friends.
And I think that it was really unfair of us
to assume that there was anything else going on.
Surprise!
Everybody.
Wow. Who opened the morgue for this thing?
I was just driving by. Thought I'd drop in.
Here's some wine. I would love a glass
if you're gonna open it.
Hello, temp. Take my jacket.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, come on. That guy?
He is a good guy. Not a terrorist.
Yikes.
Karaoke. I love it.
I am a karaoke fiend!
I call dibs. I've got next.
I got next up. Come on. Let's...
Ha! Okay. Where's that wine?
Okay. This is a duet. So...
Somebody else? Pam, you want to...
come up and sing this one?
Need somebody else. Takers, please.
Kelly?
This is the part that goes to the girl.
We're making love!
Talk! Just talk!
I am... Shut up!
Funny story... The way I got into improv
was... I got into improv...
The story about me getting into improv was
that I was walking down the street
and a race car pulls up.
And the guy says, "Hey, you're funny.
"You're the funniest guy I've ever seen.
Or my name is not Dale Earnhardt."
And that was an improv.
Um, the real way was that I found a flyer.
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