1
00:00:00,967 --> 00:00:02,301
Kevin Malone, you're next.

2
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:04,937
Spit that out.

3
00:00:04,939 --> 00:00:07,373
Spit... okay, come on.
Let's go.

4
00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:13,245
You look cute today, Dwight.

5
00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:15,514
Thanks, girl.

6
00:00:18,451 --> 00:00:20,419
So, yesterday, Dwight found
half a joint

7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,854
in the parking lot.

8
00:00:21,856 --> 00:00:24,156
Which is unfortunate,
because, as it turns out,

9
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,058
Dwight finding drugs
is more dangerous

10
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,926
than most people using drugs.

11
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,062
Let's go over
some of the symptoms

12
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,898
of marijuana use, shall we?

13
00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,434
You tell me
who this sounds like.

14
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,936
Slow moving.

15
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,571
Inattentive.

16
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,573
Dull.

17
00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,643
Constantly snacking.

18
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:47,913
Shows a lack of motivation.

19
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:51,550
Hey.

20
00:00:52,085 --> 00:00:54,820
I like the people
I work with generally.

21
00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,688
With four exceptions.

22
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,091
But someone committed a crime.

23
00:00:59,093 --> 00:01:00,726
And I did not become
a Lackawanna County

24
00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:04,163
Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy
to make friends.

25
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:06,198
And by the way, I haven't.

26
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:14,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-

27
00:01:38,865 --> 00:01:43,235
I enjoy the tangy zip
of Miracle Whip.

28
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,672
Jim does the best impressions.

29
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,240
Sometimes he'll look up at me
from his desk

30
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,342
and he'll just be someone else.

31
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,977
Like, he'll go, um...

32
00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:00,619
That was supposed to be Phyllis.

33
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,020
I can't do it as good as he can.

34
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,523
And the guys are saying,
"Chug chug chug."

35
00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,758
But I'm so small
and all I'd eaten that day

36
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,160
was one of those
Auntie M pretzels

37
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,528
from the food court.

38
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,763
So I said, "Is it okay
if I sip it?"

39
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:12,764
And they said no.

40
00:02:12,766 --> 00:02:13,966
But Ryan seemed cool either way.

41
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:15,400
Stop!

42
00:02:15,402 --> 00:02:18,537
This is not Kelly Kapur
story hour.

43
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:22,474
Illegal drugs were consumed
on company property, okay?

44
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,810
Your ass is on the line, Mister!

45
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,545
My ass is on the line.

46
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,080
Now, I'm gonna ask you again.

47
00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:31,683
What time did you
go home last night?

48
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,018
6:00.

49
00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:42,094
I didn't know that you were
at a party Saturday night.

50
00:02:42,096 --> 00:02:44,796
I go to a lot of parties.

51
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,965
Okay, I'm gonna need
to search your car.

52
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,300
Give me your keys.

53
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,434
I am not giving you my keys.

54
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,836
Don't make me
do this the hard way.

55
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,970
What's the hard way?

56
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:54,306
I go down to the police station

57
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,607
on my lunch break.

58
00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:56,942
I tell a police officer...

59
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,510
I know several.

60
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,479
What I suspect
you may have in your car.

61
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:01,747
He requests a hearing
from a judge

62
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:03,081
and obtains a search warrant.

63
00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:04,283
Once he has said warrant,

64
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:07,386
he will drive over here
and make you give him

65
00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:08,854
the keys to your car.

66
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,856
And you will have to obey him.

67
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,558
Yeah, let's do it that way.

68
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,059
Ryan, is he bugging you?

69
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,494
Dwight, dude,

70
00:03:15,496 --> 00:03:17,663
you gotta take
a chill pill, man.

71
00:03:17,665 --> 00:03:21,266
It was one joint
in the parking lot, you know?

72
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:23,569
You're totally harshing
the office mellow.

73
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:24,570
I can't stop this investigation.

74
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:25,704
It is my job.

75
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,239
Whoa, you are a volunteer.

76
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,740
I volunteered for this job.

77
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,942
And that's not the same.

78
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:31,143
It is my duty...
Volunteer duty,

79
00:03:31,145 --> 00:03:32,711
to investigate the crime scene.

80
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,346
I have six more
interviews to go.

81
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:36,648
And then I will reveal
what I know.

82
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:38,250
Narc!

83
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:41,153
If you are attempting
to compliment me,

84
00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:42,187
you have done a very good job.

85
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,488
I wasn't attempting
to compliment you.

86
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,690
Well, you have.

87
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,091
Because being a narc is one of
the hardest jobs

88
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,259
that you can have.
Okay.

89
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,460
And I am very proud
of being a narc.

90
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,461
Why don't you just cool it?

91
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:51,029
Cool it, Dwight, please?

92
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:52,030
God.

93
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,699
Dude, where's my office?

94
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,667
I totally lost it!

95
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:56,802
'Cause I was half-baked!

96
00:03:56,804 --> 00:04:00,305
Smoking doobies!
Doobie Brothers.

97
00:04:00,307 --> 00:04:03,275
I was smoking doobies
with my brothers.

98
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:05,510
Peace out!
Seacrest.

99
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,047
Well, your office is behind you.

100
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,115
Thanks.

101
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,650
Mmmunchies.

102
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,851
Who wants some munchies?

103
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:15,520
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.

104
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:19,191
I don't know if anyone's
ever offered him any.

105
00:04:19,193 --> 00:04:21,893
Oscar visited Mexico
when he was five

106
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,263
to attend his
great grandmother's funeral.

107
00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,831
What does that mean
to a United States

108
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,599
law enforcement officer?

109
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,369
He's a potential drug mule.

110
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,871
Have you ever taken any
illegal drugs?

111
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,072
No, I have not.

112
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,375
Do you think it's possible
that maybe

113
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:38,410
you could have had
some drugs in your system

114
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,779
without you knowing about it?

115
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,781
What are you implying?

116
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,916
Have you ever...

117
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:48,887
pooped a balloon?

118
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:54,293
Okay, I'm done with this.

119
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,668
He sure left in a hurry.

120
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,036
I don't wanna blow this.

121
00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:05,871
This is what all
good law enforcement officers

122
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,539
dream of.

123
00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:11,410
The chance to solve
an actual crime.

124
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,712
Do you know what this is?

125
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,414
Yes, it's marijuana.

126
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,848
How do you know that?

127
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,650
It's labeled.

128
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:21,320
Dammit.

129
00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:27,259
That is Northern Lights
Cannabis Indica.

130
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,861
No.

131
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:31,463
It's marijuana.

132
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:32,597
I'm just saying
that you can't be sure

133
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:33,799
that it wasn't you.

134
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:35,434
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.

135
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,203
Marijuana is a memory loss drug.

136
00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,404
So maybe you just
don't remember.

137
00:05:39,406 --> 00:05:40,539
I would remember.

138
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,640
Well, how could you

139
00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:42,641
of it just erased your memory?

140
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:43,742
That's not how it works.

141
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,977
Now, how do you know
how it works?

142
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:47,546
Knock it off, okay?
I am interviewing you.

143
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,648
No, you said that
I'd be conducting the interview

144
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:50,916
when I walked in here.

145
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:53,018
Now, exactly how much pot
did you smoke?

146
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,889
So, Pam told me you do
a great Stanley impression.

147
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,024
I'd love to hear it.

148
00:05:59,026 --> 00:06:00,726
Oh, um...

149
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:04,329
Why do you keep CC'ing me
on things

150
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,732
that have nothing to do with me?

151
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,433
Why do you...

152
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:09,568
Oh.

153
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:10,836
Is that supposed to be me?

154
00:06:10,838 --> 00:06:12,337
Oh, hey, Stanley.

155
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,572
I was just doing an impression.

156
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:16,141
I do not think that is funny.

157
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:20,078
He does everyone in the office.

158
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,146
Hmm.

159
00:06:26,085 --> 00:06:28,720
I do not think that is funny.

160
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,921
Jinx.
Buy me a coke.

161
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,690
No no no!
No talking.

162
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,528
Jim is not allowed to talk

163
00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:38,764
until after he buys me a coke.

164
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:39,931
Those are the rules of jinx.

165
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:41,967
And they are
unflinchingly rigid.

166
00:06:49,475 --> 00:06:50,742
Sold out!

167
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,279
That has never happened
in the history of jinx!

168
00:06:55,448 --> 00:06:57,149
Sorry, that's not my problem.

169
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,359
I know you're innocent.

170
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:08,593
But I can't look like
I'm treating you

171
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,429
any differently.

172
00:07:10,431 --> 00:07:11,630
I understand.

173
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,200
Where were you yesterday
after work?

174
00:07:16,202 --> 00:07:18,236
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.

175
00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:19,304
Who's he calling?

176
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,639
Rattin' somebody out.

177
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,707
Narc.
Narc!

178
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:23,708
Kevin.

179
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:25,043
That is so good, Michael.

180
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,045
Remember the narc bit?

181
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,914
I will let them know.

182
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:30,348
Uh-oh.
Who's in trouble?

183
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,783
Attention, everyone!

184
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,718
Drug testers are coming
in a couple hours

185
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,188
to test everyone's urine.

186
00:07:36,190 --> 00:07:38,356
Wha...
What?

187
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:39,658
What are you talking about?
Company policy.

188
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,426
If drugs are found
on the premises,

189
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,228
there is automatic drug testing

190
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,397
conducted within 24 hours.

191
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,332
Is that true, Toby?

192
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,267
Uh, when you sign
your job application

193
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,670
you agree to comply
with random drug testing.

194
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:57,275
Two nights ago I went
to an Alicia Keys concert

195
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,010
at Montage Mountain
Performing Arts Center.

196
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:00,579
I scored these
great aisle seats.

197
00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:02,481
Anyway, after the opening act,

198
00:08:02,483 --> 00:08:04,349
this beautiful girl
sits down next to me.

199
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,318
And I never get to meet girls
with lip rings.

200
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,220
And she had one.

201
00:08:08,222 --> 00:08:09,921
I don't know exactly
how this happened,

202
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,190
but one of her friends
started passing around

203
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,458
some stuff.

204
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,993
And they said that it
was clove cigarettes.

205
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:17,095
And I'm sure that
it was clove cigarettes.

206
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,264
Everybody in the aisle
was doing it.

207
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,366
Okay, attention, everyone.

208
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,335
The drug testing
has been cancelled.

209
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,870
Instead, I will be going around

210
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:27,806
to each of you and doing
a visual inspection.

211
00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:28,940
No, you can't do that.

212
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,975
I can do that.

213
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:30,976
It is my office.

214
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,010
No, you cannot.

215
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,745
It has to be official.

216
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,914
And it has to be urine.

217
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:42,053
Uh... all right.

218
00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:52,264
Kevin, what prescription drugs
are you taking

219
00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:53,298
besides Rogaine?

220
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,734
I'm not taking Rogaine.

221
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,402
Angela, what about you?

222
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,671
I don't take
any prescription drugs.

223
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,607
You're not... on anything?

224
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:06,745
Good.

225
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:11,950
So, the first time
we went out to dinner,

226
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,652
it was like, whatever, fine.

227
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:15,120
But I was so nervous.

228
00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:17,489
So this time,
I want it to be special.

229
00:09:17,491 --> 00:09:18,924
So I bought a new dress!

230
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:20,358
One of those kinds
that's kind of low cut

231
00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:21,593
at the top to show some things

232
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,994
but not everything.

233
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,063
I mean, not everything, Jim.
I promise.

234
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,932
Hey, you guys.
What's going on?

235
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,668
Oh, we're just having
the best conversation.

236
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:31,436
Oh, okay... well,
Michael wants to see everyone

237
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,138
in the conference room.

238
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:35,807
But you know what?
We have a few minutes.

239
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,310
So you guys should definitely
finish up your conversation.

240
00:09:38,312 --> 00:09:39,377
Cool, thanks.

241
00:09:41,914 --> 00:09:45,083
So I was looking so hot...

242
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,452
It has come to my attention

243
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:52,624
that some people here
think the use of drugs

244
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,492
is something to laugh about.

245
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,627
We don't feel that way.

246
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,695
No, not at all.

247
00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:57,729
You were the one joking around

248
00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,863
calling Dwight a narc.

249
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:00,832
No.
Uh, no.

250
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:03,435
That was a test.
I was testing you.

251
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:04,970
And you all failed.

252
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,372
Miserably.

253
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,708
When I said
that Dwight was a narc,

254
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:10,875
how many of you defended him?

255
00:10:10,877 --> 00:10:12,744
How many of you said,
"Hey, you know what?

256
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,945
"He's right.

257
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,581
"What he's doing
is protecting this office

258
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:17,882
from the evils of drugs"?

259
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,150
Thank you, Michael.

260
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,252
I am ridiculously
anti-drug.

261
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:24,889
I am so anti-drug that I am
above suspicion

262
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:27,158
in any way
that involved suspicion...

263
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,327
or testing of any kind.

264
00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:32,030
Drugs ruin lives, people.

265
00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:35,266
Drugs destroy careers.

266
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,768
Take Cheech and Chong.

267
00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:39,404
Everybody knows that
Cheech and Chong are funny.

268
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,272
But just imagine
how funny they would be

269
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,209
if they didn't smoke pot.

270
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:46,011
I want everybody
to take a look to their left.

271
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:50,348
Now I want everybody
to take a look to their right.

272
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:54,019
One of those people will be dead

273
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,589
from drug use at some point
in their lives.

274
00:10:57,591 --> 00:11:00,191
This year, more people

275
00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,028
will use cocaine
than will read a book

276
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,062
to their children.

277
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,497
Where did you get these facts?

278
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,931
Are these facts scaring you?

279
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:07,999
Or are they not?

280
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:09,100
They are not.

281
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:12,771
Do you think
that smoking drugs is cool?

282
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:15,807
Do you think
that doing alcohol is cool?

283
00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:16,941
No, I don't.

284
00:11:16,943 --> 00:11:18,243
I have a glass of red wine
with dinner

285
00:11:18,245 --> 00:11:20,745
about once a week
for the antioxidants.

286
00:11:20,747 --> 00:11:21,780
Okay, enough.
Enough.

287
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:22,947
Enough!

288
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:28,420
I have written down a list
of illegal drugs.

289
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:29,654
Take a gander.

290
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,390
How many of these
are you familiar with?

291
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,359
Hookah is not
an illegal drug, Michael.

292
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:35,460
Yes, it is.

293
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,095
No, it's not.

294
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:39,130
It's a type of pipe.

295
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,267
You can fill it with tobacco,
often mixed with fruit, or...

296
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,002
Okay, you know what, Toby?

297
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,336
Pam, could you take this down?

298
00:11:45,338 --> 00:11:48,039
In addition to Toby's urine
being tested,

299
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,041
I would like to test
his blood and his hair.

300
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,109
You can't do that.

301
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,945
I can test anyone randomly.

302
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,346
And I have chosen you randomly.

303
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,381
That's not random.

304
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,450
Okay, enie, meanie, miney, moe.

305
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:00,251
Is random.

306
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,586
Okay, you know what?

307
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:02,887
I'm gonna need a volunteer

308
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,823
to select one of these words.

309
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:08,993
And tell us of something...
tragic that happened

310
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:11,563
in either their lives
or the lives of a loved one.

311
00:12:12,932 --> 00:12:14,032
Yeah, Pam.

312
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:17,702
I know that Jim
has an amazing story

313
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:20,004
about a relative of his
who got caught up

314
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,639
in the world of drugs.

315
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:22,674
Really?

316
00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:23,775
Mmm-hmm.

317
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,010
Jim, it's okay.
You can...

318
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,814
This would be a good place
to let it out, Jim.

319
00:12:29,816 --> 00:12:30,815
These are people you can trust.

320
00:12:30,817 --> 00:12:32,984
These are people
who care about you.

321
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,185
It's okay.

322
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,321
Just... we will
not judge you.

323
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,022
We are here to not judge you.

324
00:12:38,024 --> 00:12:40,625
Oh, he's doing it.
Okay.

325
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:47,165
It's okay.

326
00:12:58,811 --> 00:12:59,944
Oh.

327
00:13:01,680 --> 00:13:03,248
Okay, are you sure?

328
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,084
That looked like
it was gonna be good.

329
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,553
All right.
Okay, well...

330
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,088
Wow!

331
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:12,657
He really pulled out
the big guns.

332
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,359
Fake crying.

333
00:13:15,094 --> 00:13:16,728
Did not expect that.

334
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:22,333
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,

335
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,102
is that I hate drugs.

336
00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,970
I hate them.

337
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:29,207
And based upon what I have seen,

338
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:32,143
you all don't quite hate 'em
as much as I do.

339
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,913
So you are going
to have a drug test.

340
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,080
And I am not.

341
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:37,215
No, you will be tested.

342
00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:38,283
Yes, I... no,
will not be.

343
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,484
No, you will be.

344
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,352
That is the law
according to the rules.

345
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:42,587
Okay.

346
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,422
Well, Dwight, just know...

347
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,157
that I've been very busy today.

348
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,193
And I've got a lot
of work to do.

349
00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:49,994
And I wasn't planning
on going to the bathroom.

350
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,129
And I don't even know
if anything's

351
00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,263
gonna come out, okay?

352
00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,299
So, good.
Thank you.

353
00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:58,136
Hi, Linda.

354
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,571
Dwight Schrute.
Assistant Regional Manager.

355
00:13:59,573 --> 00:14:02,073
You might remember
testing my urine

356
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,108
a few years back
when I was applying

357
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,910
to be a Volunteer
Sheriff's Deputy.

358
00:14:05,912 --> 00:14:07,579
We test a lot of urine.

359
00:14:07,581 --> 00:14:09,247
Mine was green.

360
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:12,250
Oh, right.

361
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,284
How are you?

362
00:14:13,286 --> 00:14:14,352
I'm all better.

363
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,820
So I need you to do some work

364
00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:17,188
on the St. Andrew's account.

365
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,323
I need your urine.

366
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:19,824
I need some filing done.

367
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:20,825
What kind of filing?

368
00:14:20,827 --> 00:14:23,428
That... just forget it.
Just the urine.

369
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:26,297
That goes directly
to the tester.

370
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:27,565
Just...

371
00:14:33,639 --> 00:14:35,206
I need your urine.

372
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,110
Like, in a cup?

373
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,479
Yes, in a cup.
We're not animals, Dwight.

374
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,147
For what purpose?

375
00:14:43,149 --> 00:14:44,282
It's none of your business.

376
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,550
Then I refuse.

377
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,085
Okay, all right.
Just...

378
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,954
I went to
an Alicia Keys concert.

379
00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:52,257
Over the weekend.

380
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,695
And I think I may have
gotten high accidentally

381
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,530
by a girl with a lip ring.

382
00:15:00,332 --> 00:15:02,000
Are you serious?

383
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:09,807
I need clean urine for the lady.

384
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:14,913
But that's illegal.

385
00:15:14,915 --> 00:15:16,881
Don't think of it that way.

386
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:18,850
It's like...

387
00:15:18,852 --> 00:15:20,652
Urine goes all over the place,
you know?

388
00:15:20,654 --> 00:15:21,753
There's no controlling it.

389
00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,788
It just...
Not my urine.

390
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:25,857
A cup could find its way
under the urine.

391
00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:27,358
It might be an accident.

392
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,994
Were you forced to do drugs
at this concert?

393
00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,462
Is something wrong?

394
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,630
Look, just...

395
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,401
Just fill up the cup.

396
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,942
Do you want to
give Michael your urine?

397
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,579
I want him to have
all the urine he needs.

398
00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:51,516
You're not gonna get
my permission on this.

399
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:52,684
I know that.

400
00:15:52,686 --> 00:15:54,352
Don't you think I know that?

401
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,057
Yeah, we do testing
all over the country.

402
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:00,925
Cool.

403
00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,026
Hey, are you guys hiring?

404
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:05,363
You wanna work
at the urinalysis lab?

405
00:16:06,932 --> 00:16:08,833
Yeah, maybe.

406
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:17,508
My father's name
was Dwight Schrute.

407
00:16:17,510 --> 00:16:22,914
My grandfather's name
was Dwight Schrute.

408
00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:28,619
His father's name?
Dwiged Schrued.

409
00:16:28,621 --> 00:16:30,455
Amish.

410
00:16:35,861 --> 00:16:38,229
I loved my father very much.

411
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,465
Every morning
he'd wake up at dawn

412
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,867
and make us biscuits with gravy.

413
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,235
When I was little, my dad and I

414
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,837
played a lot of games together.

415
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,372
My dad cheated a lot,

416
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,240
but I never busted him on it.

417
00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:51,342
I would have, except I didn't
know about it.

418
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,077
He didn't tell me
'til years later.

419
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:55,446
I was shocked when I found out.

420
00:16:57,516 --> 00:16:59,417
What?

421
00:16:59,419 --> 00:17:01,519
Did you wanna tell me something?

422
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,888
You look like
you wanna tell me something.

423
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,123
You look like you have something

424
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,858
really important to say
and you just can't

425
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,292
for some reason.

426
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,296
Come on, you can tell me.

427
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:16,234
Jim, you can tell me anything.

428
00:17:52,337 --> 00:17:54,172
I'd like a magazine.

429
00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:55,740
We just need urine, sir.

430
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,442
I'd still like one.

431
00:17:58,243 --> 00:17:59,544
Dwight.

432
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,579
Well...

433
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,681
I passed the test, thanks to you

434
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:05,349
and your untainted pee.

435
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:06,984
Thank you very much.

436
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:08,019
That's great.

437
00:18:08,021 --> 00:18:09,587
What's wrong?

438
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:10,888
Where's your costume?

439
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,523
It's a uniform.

440
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:15,126
And I turned it in today
when I tendered my resignation.

441
00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:17,361
Why? What...

442
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:20,665
I took an oath
when I was sworn in.

443
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,167
And I broke that oath today.

444
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:42,120
Here.

445
00:18:43,489 --> 00:18:44,555
Just buy it from me.

446
00:18:46,225 --> 00:18:47,492
I haven't talked
to you in hours,

447
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:48,793
and it's been weird.

448
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,061
And I really wanna know

449
00:18:50,063 --> 00:18:51,596
what the hell's going on
with Dwight.

450
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,478
Hi.
Hey.

451
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,846
How much time do you have left
on your break?

452
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:09,947
10 minutes.

453
00:19:13,218 --> 00:19:16,854
Since you did such a good job
with the investigation,

454
00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:19,190
I decided to pull a few strings,

455
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,392
call in a few favors.

456
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,860
And I've decided to make you

457
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:25,663
Official Security Supervisor
of the branch.

458
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:27,665
Really?

459
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,500
Yes, sir.
That's fantastic.

460
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,903
'Cause I've always felt
that the security here sucked.

461
00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:35,706
So you wanna...

462
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,210
"Dwight K. Schrute,

463
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:42,547
"I hereby declare you
an honorary volunteer corporal

464
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:46,784
in charge of assisting
all activity security."

465
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:47,818
Good, okay?

466
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:48,886
Here's your badge.

467
00:19:50,355 --> 00:19:51,822
Thank you, Michael.

468
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,791
Very nice.

469
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,960
Great.
Can I have a gun?

470
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,129
No.
I don't have a gun.

471
00:19:58,131 --> 00:19:59,530
Okay.

472
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,733
I'll have to bring in
my bow staff.

473
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,403
I don't think so.
Don't.

474
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,470
Good.
Thank you, Michael.

475
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,106
No... oh...

476
00:20:11,977 --> 00:20:13,177
I need to go over
some details with you.

477
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:14,478
First of all...
All right, well...

478
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:16,881
Thank you.

479
00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:19,250
How many orange traffic cones
do you have?

480
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,384
Two.

481
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,954
Oh... God.

482
00:20:22,956 --> 00:20:26,190
Wow, what a terrible day
to not be able to talk.

483
00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,693
Dwight was literally carrying
around his own urine

484
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,094
and dressed like
one of the Village People.

485
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,597
Why does he do the things
that he does for Michael?

486
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,065
I just don't get it.

487
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:36,100
What is he getting
out of that relationship?

487
00:20:37,305 --> 00:21:37,684
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