I have left Dunder-Mifflin
after many record-breaking years,
and I am officially on the job market.
And it's very exciting.
For your convenience,
I've broken it down into three parts:
professional résumé,
athletic and special skills résumé,
and Dwight Schrute trivia.
I am ready to face any challenges
that might be foolish enough to face me.
How would I describe myself?
Three words:
Hardworking,
alpha male,
jackhammer.
Merciless.
Insatiable.
There's nothing on my horizon except everything.
Everything is on my horizon.
I got this job to make some money
while I continue my employment search.
And, uh...
it's fine for the time being.
Oops.
Break's over.
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Big Turkey.
Is that you singing?
All four parts.
Recorded it on my computer.
It took me forever.
You gonna answer it?
I called it myself.
I just thought you'd get a kick
out of the new ring.
Yikes.
Side note:
I'd just like to say I'm thrilled
to be working directly beneath you.
- Oh. - I feel I have a lot to learn from you.
Even though you're younger and have less experience.
So...
here's to the future.
Andy and The Tuna.
I miss Dwight.
Congratulations, Universe.
You win.
Argh, top won't go up.
Oh, hey hey! Look who's here.
- Hello, hello. - Hi, Michael.
- Welcome back. - Good to see you.
As you know, Oscar is a gay man,
who is also my friend
and he has been on a little bit of a sabbatical...
recently.
Seeing the world. Finding himself.
Having lots of fun, no doubt.
What does that mean?
Oooh, check out the new car.
German engineering, nice. How many pesos did that set you back?
It's a company lease.
From the settlement.
After you kissed me.
Well, that's how this company takes care of our employees.
When we settle, we settle high.
I have an idea:
Rainbow stickers, all over the back windshield.
Shout it from the mountain tops, my friend.
Part of me wants the people in this office
to have learned their lesson, and just shut the hell up.
And part of me thinks...
"You know what? Keep talking.
I'd really love a home theater."
Yes, Dwight Schrute has left the company...
more personnel turnover.
Cost of doin' business.
Yeah, well, it is a big loss.
Dwight was the top salesman.
Was the top salesman.
I said "was."
Addition by subtraction.
What does that even mean?
That is impossible.
Mmm...
Yeah, you're right.
But there is some good news. Oscar is back.
Addition by addition.
So we are going to have a big party today
to welcome him back, and hopefully
that'll lift everyone's spirits.
- Hey. - Oscar!
- Pam. - Good to have you back.
Good to be back.
- Welcome back, Oscar. - Thank you.
- Good to be back. - Hey, Oscar.
Hey, everyone.
Oh, hello, Oscar.
How was your gay-cation?
That's very funny.
Yeah?
I thought of that, like,
two seconds after you left.
Hi, Angela.
Oscar.
Hey, boss.
Hey, what's up?
Nooothin'.
Enhrrr... hehh.
Man, TGI Wednesday.
- Yeah. - Am I right?
Yep.
Gonna go home, get my beer on,
get my Lost on.
What are you doin' later? You want to hang out?
Uh... I don't know.
Maybe.
Well, I'll take that as a "maybe."
- Where you goin'? - Bathroom.
Well, I'm going to the kitchen.
I'll walk with you.
Yeah, things are goin' pretty good.
Gettin' a lot of face time with the boss.
Oscar?
I have a question.
Would you like to join the Party Planning Committee?
The committee with all the women?
Yeah.
Because I'm gay?
- No.
No.
Certain events have transpired,
and I've thought about certain things.
And I'm sorry for the way
those certain events transpired.
And I would just like to make some changes
about certain things
and certain situations.
- Okay, okay. - And certain accountants.
All right, all right, I'll join.
I'd love to.
That's...
Thank you.
Can I join too?
Never.
You sell those two printers this morning?
Nice work.
Child's play.
Give me something hard to sell.
Hey, where's Dwight?
You didn't hear?
Decapitated. Whole, big thing.
We had a funeral for a bird.
I'm pretty sure none of that's real.
You're not real, man.
Wow.
What is wrong with this thing?
It looks terrible.
Do you want me to ask the night cleaning crew
if they stopped watering it?
Yeah.
Oh, you know what?
Ask them about the toys on my desk too.
They always used to arrange the toys on my desk
in a... a very pleasing way.
It used to brighten my morning.
Oh, that wasn't the night crew.
That was Dwight.
Really?
That was very nice of him.
We need more attitude like that around this office.
Feel ya, dawg.
Yeah, do you?
Absolutely.
What did I say?
You said...
Ruh-duht duh duh-dooh.
Huh.
Which is, like,
"Right on."
Pam was like, "Blah blah blah."
And you were like, "Yeah. Psh-sht."
Nailed it.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Love that Andy, right?
Solid fellow?
Seems smart enough.
Likes me a lot.
A lot.
Too much.
Like a crazy person, a little.
Not super crazy, just...
there's something about him that creeps me out.
I can't really explain it.
He's always up in my bidness,
which is Ebonics for "being in my face"
and annoying the bejesus out of me."
I don't understand how someone
could have so little self-awareness.
I really have no preference.
We don't even have to have a party.
No. Hey, hey...
Don't be ridiculous.
Of course we are going to have a party,
a celebration of Oscar.
Oscar night.
And I want it to be Oscar-specific.
- Michael, I... - No, no.
I mean, not... not because you're gay.
Your gayness
- does not define you. - Okay.
Your Mexican-ness is what defines you to me.
And I think we should celebrate Oscar's Mexicanity.
So... Phyllis,
I want you to go find firecrackers...
and a Chihuahua.
Pam, in the frozen food section,
Swanson makes a delightful chimichanga.
Why don't you have me riding in on a donkey
into the office, like Pepe?
Ah... a burro. Of course.
If Oscar wants a donkey, let's get him one.
Need any help?
Oh, no thank you.
I'm... I'm just looking.
Great.
I will literally be standing right here
if you need anything at all.
Okay.
I think I could go for some tuna fish right about now.
Oh, oh, oh, got my rod here.
Whizzzzzz...
Bloop.
Click, click.
Click, click, click.
Click, click.
Click, click, click, click.
Click, click, click... Argh!
Oop! Oh.
I got one. I got one.
Eeh!
Hey.
- Hey. - Hey.
So, Andy is in rare form today.
Yeah, you should not encourage him.
Encourage him?
I'm the victim, okay?
He's fishing for me.
We've got to do something.
Look, I've got, like, 15 new clients
that I've inherited from Dwight,
and each file is password protected
with a different mythical creature,
so... I'm sorry.
I can't.
Fine.
Party pooper.
Oop! Ooh. Rah!
Unh!
Ooh!
Ah! Whoa!
Who's that sportscaster that bit that lady?
Marv something?
Floppin' around!
Andy is like Marv something.
Great sportscaster...
big, weirdo creep.
185 pounder. Check it out.
Whew! Ahh!
- Hey, Ryan? - What?
Do you wanna pull a prank on Andy?
Not right now, but ask me again 10 years ago.
I liked you better as the temp.
Me too.
Hey, guys.
How's the workload
on all of Dwight's old accounts?
Handling it okay?
Sort of. He had a lot of clients.
Yes, he did.
Have any of you
talked to Dwight?
Oh, sure.
We talk all the time.
- Really? - No.
Don't... don't do that.
That's not nice.
What about you, Phyllis?
You and Dwight were close.
No. Sorry.
Dwight had a big personality,
and I have a big personality.
And a lot of times
when two people like that get together,
it can be explosive.
Really comin' down out there.
Commute's gonna be hell.
I have snow tires and chains.
Plus exceptional eye-hand coordination.
So, um, where were you workin' before this?
Dunder-Mifflin.
What kind of company is that?
Paper company.
They're only one of Staples' top competitors in the area.
- I never heard of 'em. - Whoa.
Really? Have you heard of paper?
It's gonna be like that, huh?
I don't like him, his giant head,
or his beady little eyes.
That's all I got to say on the matter.
Would you like to pull a prank on Andy?
I'm kind of in the middle of... Yes, please.
Okay, good.
Stay right here.
- Oh. - Sorry about that.
Good move, Tuna.
Nice one.
Are there any messages?
Nope.
So weird.
Hmm.
Nice to have Oscar back.
Yeah.
So how much do you love Lance Bass now?
I don't know who that is.
You don't know who Lance Bass is?
He's only one of the five best singers ever,
and, gay.
I've never heard of him.
Oscar, you really need to learn more about your culture.
I'm not fine.
And no, I don't want to talk about it.
- All right. - Okay, fine.
What do you think of Andy?
Uhm...
Because on paper, Andy and I should be best buds.
We even have the same Top Ten All-Time Favorite Movie list,
down to the number.
Andy's a "Yes-man."
Not all the time.
Sometimes I'll say I don't like something,
he says he doesn't like it, either.
Right.
He'll always agree with whatever you say.
He did the same thing with Josh in Stamford.
If he did that with Josh, he could be doing that with me.
When I was five years old, I had these Spiderman pajamas.
And one night, my mom was tucking me in,
and she tried to give me a raspberry on my tummy.
You know... pff-f-ft...
and, uh, I tried to crawl away,
and what happened was,
her eyes were closed, and she grabbed me...
and she kissed me
on my butt.
And it was just the worst.
So I know what it's like to have your butt kissed.
Literally.
And it-it-it's terrible.
And it better not be what Andy is doing.
Um... Large Tuna.
Have you seen my cell phone device?
'Cause someone is calling right now.
There is a call.
Angela?
Is everything okay?
No.
I miss him.
Dwight?
No. John Denver.
Okay. That's a good talk.
Wait, I'm sorry.
He's gone because of me.
I told him I would be upset if people knew about us,
so he didn't have an alibi for Michael.
I denied him.
I still think there's a way you can explain it to Michael.
Somehow.
Pam, I am not like you.
Walking around in your provocative outfits,
saying whatever thought pops in your head
Yeah... that's me.
Thank you. This was helpful.
What are you talkin' about?
Where is my freaking phone?
You know what? Maybe it's in the ceiling.
You know what? Maybe you're in the ceiling.
I don't trust you, Phyllis.
Michael?
Yes?
Never mind, you're busy. I'll come back tomorrow.
No, what is it?
I...
I just...
I wanted to let you know
that Dwight was late that morning
because he had to drive to New York
to drop off the correlated tax forms that I forgot to send.
Though to be fair, Kevin never reminded me.
Why would Dwight do that for you?
I think I know why.
Because Dwight would do that for anyone here.
Because Dwight loves this company, that's why.
Do you think that anyone else out there
would have driven to corporate for you?
None of them...
especially not Andy.
Pam, I have a mission to accomplish.
Make sure this party gets rolling,
and I will be back shortly.
Hey-oh.
Where are you going? Do you want me to come with?
Um...
Just listen.
I forgot to tell you the plan for this Saturday:
you, me, bar, beers, buzzed...
wings, shots, drunk.
Waitresses hot.
Football... Cornell/Hofstra: slaughter.
Then quick nap at my place, and we hit the tiz-own.
No.
I don't want to do any of that.
Duh.
Which is why I was joking about doing it.
No, just stop. Stop.
Just stop doing it.
You're going to drive me crazy.
Fine, I'll just go sit at my desk and be quiet.
Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship.
And I'm also sorry
that a lot of people here
for some reason think it's funny
to steal someone's personal property
and hide it from him.
Here's a little news flash.
It's not funny!
In fact, it's pretty freakin' unfunny!
Oh, my God!
Ow!
That was an overreaction.
Gonna hit the break room. Does anybody want anything?
Pam, you good?
Yeah.
Sure? Okay.
I made a mess.
I forced Dwight to resign prematurely,
and I replace him with Andy,
who loves this place so much, he punched a hole in it.
It's a mess. A big mess.
And it's weird, because this is not like me.
I am usually the guy they call in to clean up the mess.
Well, I guess today, I am going to have to call in myself.
Eh.
Dwight.
Dwight!
I'm sorry.
No, that question is meaningless.
Just go with the copy paper.
It's your funeral.
See how that works out for you.
Hey.
What's up?
Same old.
Um...
It takes a big man to admit his mistake.
And I am that big man.
Angela from accounting told me what you did.
Oh, my God, she told you?
Yes, she did.
And, Dwight...
if you were willing to do something like that
for some random co-worker,
then clearly I misjudged you from the beginning...
and I apologize.
Accepted.
How's this place treating you?
The boss isn't funny.
Ooh, well.
I don't get to wear my ties.
No.
I'm sure.
So?
So maybe you should come back.
You should come back.
Please.
I don't want to do your laundry anymore.
We can talk about that.
All right.
Oh, my God.
That's half-inch drywall.
I think we broke his brain.
It's not freakin' funny.
Are you enjoying your fiesta?
Actually, yeah.
I didn't think I would, but turns
out it's great.
Ladies and gentlemen!
May I present...
Mr. Dwight Schrute!
- Yay. - Yay.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
Okay, Dwight, you can let go of her hand.
You're gonna break it.
Not bad, huh?
You did this for me?
Guilty.
Where'd you get this stuff?
Gerdy's.
Which aisle?
I don't remember.
Well, draw me a map, mama.
Pam.
I will shake mine, and then you will-
No, I will not.
My God...
So does this remind you of your childhood, or anything?
It reminds me a lot of The Three Amigos,
with Steve Martin and Chevy Chase.
Wow. Thank you.
Wow, that's... Thanks so much.
Hey.
Do you still have feelings for her?
Yes.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the big finale.
Sir, would you do the honor?
Oh, man.
No, no, no.
I don't need it.
Get out!
It takes a big man to admit his mistake,
and that's what I did.
The important thing is...
I learned something.
I don't want somebody sucking up to me
because they think I am going to help their career.
I want them sucking up to me
because they genuinely love me.
Hmm.
So Michael had a little chat with corporate,
and they decided to send me to management training.
Anger management, technically, but still...
management material.
This whole thing is supposed to take ten weeks,
I expect to be done in five.
How?
Name repetition, personality mirroring,
and positive reinforcement through nods and smiles.
So, don't worry about old Andy Bernard,
I'll be back.
Just like Rambo.
- Oh, hi, you must be Andy. - Oh, hi.
Yes, I am, and you must be Marcy.
That's right. It's so good to meet you.
- It's so good to meet you. - Thanks.
- Well, ready to have some fun? - Yeah.
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