1 00:00:22,506 --> 00:00:24,856 Last week I gave a fire safety talk. 2 00:00:26,069 --> 00:00:28,119 And nobody paid any attention. 3 00:00:29,021 --> 00:00:31,279 It's my own fault for using Powerpoint. 4 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,906 Powerpoint is boring. 5 00:00:33,393 --> 00:00:35,634 People learn in lots of different ways, 6 00:00:35,759 --> 00:00:37,036 but experience 7 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,704 is the best teacher. 8 00:00:44,283 --> 00:00:46,702 Today, smoking is gonna save lives. 9 00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:08,618 Does anyone smell anything smoky? 10 00:01:08,743 --> 00:01:10,993 Did you bring your jerky in again? 11 00:01:16,106 --> 00:01:17,156 Oh, my god! 12 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,121 Fire! 13 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:22,673 Fire! My goodness. What's the procedure? 14 00:01:22,798 --> 00:01:25,084 - What do we do, people? - The phones are dead. 15 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,178 - How did that happen? - It's out in the hall. 16 00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:29,573 We don't know. Smoke could come through an air duct. 17 00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:31,301 My god! OK, it's happening. 18 00:01:31,426 --> 00:01:33,485 Everybody stay calm. What's the procedure, everyone? 19 00:01:33,610 --> 00:01:36,050 - What's the procedure? Stay calm! - Wait, wait! 20 00:01:36,175 --> 00:01:38,055 Everybody, now calm down! 21 00:01:39,434 --> 00:01:43,384 Touch the handle. If it's hot, there could be a fire in the hallway. 22 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:45,908 What does warm mean? 23 00:01:46,347 --> 00:01:47,724 Not a viable option. 24 00:01:47,849 --> 00:01:49,316 - What next? - Don't run! 25 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:51,612 Here's a door. Check that one out. 26 00:01:51,737 --> 00:01:53,677 - How's the handle? - It's warm. 27 00:01:53,976 --> 00:01:55,488 Well... another option. 28 00:01:55,613 --> 00:01:57,128 Back to our options, jeez! 29 00:01:57,253 --> 00:01:58,868 Settle down. No bunching. 30 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:00,489 - I forgot my purse. - Leave it! 31 00:02:00,614 --> 00:02:01,790 Get out of the way! 32 00:02:01,915 --> 00:02:05,616 Things can be replaced, Phyllis. People, human lives... However, can... 33 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,503 My hand! That's hot! 34 00:02:10,843 --> 00:02:12,217 This one's hot, too! 35 00:02:12,342 --> 00:02:14,223 We're trapped. Everyone for himself! 36 00:02:14,348 --> 00:02:15,256 Let's go! 37 00:02:15,381 --> 00:02:17,970 - Out of my way! - Let's go! Get out of my way. 38 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:20,217 - Calm, please. - Get out of the way! 39 00:02:20,342 --> 00:02:22,327 Have you ever seen a burn victim? 40 00:02:22,452 --> 00:02:25,060 - Move it! - Procedure, procedure! 41 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:28,384 Exit options. Where do we go, folks? 42 00:02:28,509 --> 00:02:30,244 Use a what to cover the mouth? 43 00:02:30,369 --> 00:02:31,834 A what? A rag. 44 00:02:31,959 --> 00:02:33,435 A damp rag, perhaps. 45 00:02:34,012 --> 00:02:35,862 Just remember those procedures. 46 00:02:36,032 --> 00:02:37,553 What are the options? 47 00:02:37,678 --> 00:02:39,909 That's a wrong way. We've already tried that. 48 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,770 Remember your exit points. 49 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:44,204 Exit points, people. What's next? 50 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:45,914 Stay alive, I'm getting help! 51 00:02:46,084 --> 00:02:47,457 - Pull me up! - Too heavy! 52 00:02:47,627 --> 00:02:48,917 I only weigh 82 pounds. 53 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:50,978 Save bandit! 54 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:55,693 How about 911? 55 00:02:55,818 --> 00:02:56,884 Anyone? 911. 56 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,846 What do we do? 57 00:03:08,971 --> 00:03:12,482 Use surge of fear and adrenaline to sharpen your decision-making. 58 00:03:12,652 --> 00:03:14,609 I am not dying here. Come on. 59 00:03:18,684 --> 00:03:22,134 - What is that? What is that? - The fire's shooting at us! 60 00:03:22,259 --> 00:03:24,623 What in the name of god is going on? 61 00:03:28,706 --> 00:03:29,834 Battering ram. 62 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:39,742 Help! 63 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,222 I'm about to die! 64 00:03:48,290 --> 00:03:49,290 Attention! 65 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,188 Employees of Dunder Mifflin. 66 00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,571 This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. 67 00:03:55,793 --> 00:03:58,209 There is no fire. It was only a simulation. 68 00:03:58,334 --> 00:03:59,134 What? 69 00:03:59,259 --> 00:04:02,324 Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. 70 00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,368 So, what have we learned? 71 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:09,831 Come on. It's not real, Stanley. Don't have a heart attack. 72 00:04:10,534 --> 00:04:11,749 No! You will not die. 73 00:04:12,953 --> 00:04:14,648 - You will not die. - Call 911. 74 00:04:15,872 --> 00:04:17,372 Barack is president! 75 00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:18,952 You are black! 76 00:04:19,077 --> 00:04:21,647 - I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. - Don't give him for this. 77 00:04:21,772 --> 00:04:23,179 He's gonna swallow his tongue. 78 00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:25,519 Open your mouth! Don't swallow it. 79 00:04:25,644 --> 00:04:28,520 - You're choking him! - I'm fine, leave me alone! 80 00:04:28,645 --> 00:04:30,026 Leave him alone! 81 00:04:30,213 --> 00:04:31,270 I'm saving him! 82 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,898 Subtitles: - Feygnasse Team - 83 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:36,942 Synch: Jarick & Collioure Proofreading: So. & Valpi 84 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,302 Episode 5x13 "Stress Relief" 85 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,595 How could you possibly think this is a good idea? 86 00:05:05,765 --> 00:05:08,155 A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. 87 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,683 - Electricity. - Shampoo. 88 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,612 You could have burned the whole building. 89 00:05:11,737 --> 00:05:14,437 I just wanna say for the record, I did not kill anyone. 90 00:05:14,562 --> 00:05:16,366 Stanley was attacked by his own heart. 91 00:05:16,491 --> 00:05:19,999 He should be released from the hospital and back in the office in a couple days. 92 00:05:20,124 --> 00:05:22,988 Did you shout, "fire!", causing a panic? 93 00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:24,541 Yes, I shouted, "fire!" 94 00:05:24,666 --> 00:05:26,207 I shouted many things. 95 00:05:26,332 --> 00:05:29,333 I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building, 96 00:05:29,458 --> 00:05:31,914 so you can imagine my frustration as safety officer 97 00:05:32,039 --> 00:05:33,880 when nobody would heed of what... 98 00:05:34,005 --> 00:05:35,958 - heeded... heeded of... - Hed. Hedded. 99 00:05:36,083 --> 00:05:37,790 - When no one hedded... - Take hedded of. 100 00:05:37,915 --> 00:05:39,979 No one would take "hedded" of my instructions. 101 00:05:40,104 --> 00:05:42,227 - Heed. Take heed of. - So you... 102 00:05:42,352 --> 00:05:44,471 - And I don't see my coworkers... - Take heed of. 103 00:05:44,596 --> 00:05:46,429 heeding this right now. 104 00:05:49,544 --> 00:05:50,366 What? 105 00:06:04,485 --> 00:06:05,585 This city... 106 00:06:10,612 --> 00:06:12,520 We aren't mad, we're just disappointed. 107 00:06:12,645 --> 00:06:13,965 No, we are mad. 108 00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:15,377 Yes. We are. 109 00:06:15,710 --> 00:06:16,801 We are livid. 110 00:06:16,926 --> 00:06:18,743 But we're going to let this one slide. 111 00:06:18,868 --> 00:06:20,209 - Thank you. - We're not! 112 00:06:20,334 --> 00:06:22,306 I'm not a mind-reader, David. 113 00:06:23,992 --> 00:06:26,593 Look, this is a very serious offense. 114 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,805 We have cause to fire you. 115 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,380 Can you shove down? 116 00:06:31,068 --> 00:06:32,068 Instead... 117 00:06:33,332 --> 00:06:34,541 Shove down, please. 118 00:06:34,666 --> 00:06:36,519 Instead, what I think we should do 119 00:06:36,808 --> 00:06:39,499 is strip you of your title as safety officer. 120 00:06:39,624 --> 00:06:41,763 And we should take a part of his pay 121 00:06:41,888 --> 00:06:44,168 and donate it to the charity of your choice. 122 00:06:44,293 --> 00:06:46,498 - Something that Dwight doesn't like. - PETA. 123 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:49,749 Michael, you have to take responsibility here. 124 00:06:49,874 --> 00:06:52,286 One of your employees had a heart attack. 125 00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:55,539 He could have died because of the way you're allowing your office to run. 126 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,958 - Do you want that on your conscience? - Do you? 127 00:06:59,349 --> 00:07:01,299 - You talking to me? - Yeah. 128 00:07:02,114 --> 00:07:02,930 What? 129 00:07:05,505 --> 00:07:06,380 Well... 130 00:07:06,505 --> 00:07:09,155 I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. 131 00:07:09,781 --> 00:07:12,372 It amuses me when corporate thinks they can make big change 132 00:07:12,497 --> 00:07:15,347 with a 20 min meeting in some fancy high-rise. 133 00:07:16,509 --> 00:07:18,509 What's the matter? You hungry? 134 00:07:19,574 --> 00:07:21,274 No, Dwight, I'm worried. 135 00:07:22,684 --> 00:07:24,233 A man's life is in my hands. 136 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,202 Don't you worry about that. I got it covered. 137 00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:31,074 I am planning a bomb scare. That should really get the blood pumping. 138 00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:32,693 That's not gonna happen. 139 00:07:32,818 --> 00:07:34,327 I'm taking over as safety man. 140 00:07:35,391 --> 00:07:37,381 - What? You? Come on. - Yes. 141 00:07:37,506 --> 00:07:39,755 - I'm smart. I'll figure it out. - That's preposterous. 142 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:40,730 I will. 143 00:07:42,704 --> 00:07:45,354 Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 144 00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:48,621 "This is the place that I might die today." 145 00:07:49,242 --> 00:07:51,242 That's what a hospital is for. 146 00:07:51,693 --> 00:07:52,793 An office... 147 00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:54,967 is for not dying. 148 00:07:56,414 --> 00:07:58,214 An office is a place to... 149 00:07:59,473 --> 00:08:01,212 live life to the fullest, 150 00:08:01,337 --> 00:08:02,687 to the max, to... 151 00:08:05,756 --> 00:08:07,256 An office is a place 152 00:08:07,475 --> 00:08:09,125 where dreams come true. 153 00:08:11,498 --> 00:08:12,767 Don't excite him. 154 00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:14,642 Don't make him excitable. 155 00:08:17,804 --> 00:08:18,954 Welcome back. 156 00:08:19,544 --> 00:08:20,544 Thank you. 157 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:22,167 It's true. 158 00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,869 Around this office, in the past, 159 00:08:23,994 --> 00:08:25,962 I've been a little abrupt with people. 160 00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:27,631 Not maybe. Yes or no. 161 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:28,715 No way. 162 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,217 Are you from another planet? 163 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,678 Have you lost your mind? Cause I'll help you find it. 164 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,556 Did I stutter? I'm done. Good-bye. 165 00:08:36,897 --> 00:08:39,768 But the doctor said if I can't find a new way 166 00:08:39,893 --> 00:08:42,400 to relate more positively to my surroundings, 167 00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:43,771 i'm going to die. 168 00:08:44,881 --> 00:08:46,567 A throne for your highness. 169 00:08:48,452 --> 00:08:50,356 I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. 170 00:08:50,481 --> 00:08:52,738 No, no debate. You're going to sit in that wheelchair 171 00:08:52,863 --> 00:08:54,808 until you're back on your feet. 172 00:08:55,556 --> 00:08:56,994 I'm going to die. 173 00:08:57,990 --> 00:08:59,240 A, b, c... OK? 174 00:08:59,682 --> 00:09:02,928 And that stands for airway, breathing, and circulation. 175 00:09:03,053 --> 00:09:04,991 You know what? That could be a little confusing 176 00:09:05,116 --> 00:09:07,805 because in sales, a, b, c means "always be closing." 177 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:10,089 This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. 178 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,187 Shut it. 179 00:09:11,312 --> 00:09:14,743 We found ourselves on the less-prepared side of things 180 00:09:15,054 --> 00:09:16,561 when Stanley had his... 181 00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:18,579 When his heart went berserk. 182 00:09:18,704 --> 00:09:20,436 And I knew exactly what to do, 183 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,372 but in a much more real sense, 184 00:09:22,497 --> 00:09:24,184 I had no idea what to do. 185 00:09:24,309 --> 00:09:27,187 So I thought we should have a CPR training class. 186 00:09:27,545 --> 00:09:30,899 And of course you can't get the practice dummy 187 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,570 unless the instructor comes along with it. 188 00:09:33,695 --> 00:09:35,908 Red cross, you know, racket. 189 00:09:38,276 --> 00:09:40,189 I can't keep doing this forever. 190 00:09:40,314 --> 00:09:41,814 It's been 20 seconds. 191 00:09:43,718 --> 00:09:44,718 Call it. 192 00:09:45,455 --> 00:09:46,876 Would you like to try next? 193 00:09:47,046 --> 00:09:48,696 Absolutely I would not. 194 00:09:48,959 --> 00:09:51,271 You know, who I really think should go? 195 00:09:51,794 --> 00:09:52,695 Stanley. 196 00:09:53,163 --> 00:09:54,258 I don't know. 197 00:09:54,569 --> 00:09:57,094 It's not a good idea. He needs to rest. 198 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,813 No rest for the sick. 199 00:10:01,323 --> 00:10:03,623 We are not always going to be there 200 00:10:04,885 --> 00:10:06,685 to coddle your heart back 201 00:10:07,618 --> 00:10:09,818 when it disappears to be working. 202 00:10:09,956 --> 00:10:12,653 What are you gonna do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? 203 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,889 I would die. 204 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,421 And you're OK with that? 205 00:10:15,546 --> 00:10:17,446 I'm OK with the logic of it. 206 00:10:17,889 --> 00:10:19,939 Come on. Get up. Let's do this. 207 00:10:20,474 --> 00:10:22,208 Yes, I had a heart attack. 208 00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:25,164 I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. 209 00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,250 And I don't have enough saved to retire. 210 00:10:27,705 --> 00:10:30,305 I feel like I'm working at my own casket. 211 00:10:31,090 --> 00:10:32,771 Come on! You're losing you. 212 00:10:32,896 --> 00:10:34,632 You're losing you. Do it! 213 00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:37,135 This is you we're talking about. 214 00:10:37,864 --> 00:10:39,309 OK. I'll show them. 215 00:10:39,434 --> 00:10:40,484 Here we go. 216 00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:42,932 All right. 217 00:10:43,057 --> 00:10:45,560 So assessing the situation, are they breathing? 218 00:10:46,289 --> 00:10:47,289 No, Rose. 219 00:10:48,016 --> 00:10:49,336 They are not breathing. 220 00:10:49,461 --> 00:10:51,511 And they have no arms or legs. 221 00:10:52,029 --> 00:10:54,405 - That's not part of it. - Where are they? 222 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:58,031 You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, 223 00:10:58,199 --> 00:11:00,349 do we bother resuscitating them? 224 00:11:00,855 --> 00:11:03,412 What kind of quality of life do we have there? 225 00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:06,497 - I would wanna live with no legs. - How about no arms? 226 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,174 No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now. 227 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:10,585 You don't do anything. 228 00:11:10,908 --> 00:11:14,308 All right, let's get back to it, cause you're losing him. 229 00:11:14,937 --> 00:11:15,937 Too fast. 230 00:11:16,062 --> 00:11:19,612 Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. 231 00:11:19,737 --> 00:11:22,346 That's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 232 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,890 - How's that gonna help you? - I'll divide and count to it. 233 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:25,921 Right. 234 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:30,062 A good trick is to pump to the tune of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. 235 00:11:30,187 --> 00:11:32,607 - Do you know that song? - Yes, I do. I love that song. 236 00:11:36,755 --> 00:11:37,805 No, it's... 237 00:11:41,644 --> 00:11:44,870 You were in the parking lot earlier. That's how I know you. 238 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:20,905 You didn't maintain 100 beats per minute, 239 00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:23,991 and ambulance didn't arrive cause nobody called 911. 240 00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:26,461 - So you lost him. - OK. He's dead. 241 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,496 Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose? 242 00:12:30,063 --> 00:12:31,461 - No idea. - Anyone else? 243 00:12:31,586 --> 00:12:32,834 - Bury him. - Wrong! 244 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,403 Check for organ donor card. 245 00:12:34,528 --> 00:12:36,463 If he has one, we only have min to harvest. 246 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:37,756 No wallet. I checked. 247 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,373 - He's an organ donor. - He is? 248 00:12:39,498 --> 00:12:41,560 Give me some ice and a styrofoam bucket. 249 00:12:41,685 --> 00:12:42,735 Here we go. 250 00:12:43,684 --> 00:12:44,534 My god! 251 00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:47,159 What are you doing?! 252 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,063 We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. 253 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,647 I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. 254 00:12:56,855 --> 00:12:57,892 Are you OK? 255 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,288 Oh, my god! 256 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:02,623 Daddy? 257 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:04,866 My god! 258 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,285 Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? 259 00:13:08,758 --> 00:13:10,784 I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, 260 00:13:10,909 --> 00:13:13,204 and it turns out, it's pretty realistic. 261 00:13:13,477 --> 00:13:15,877 We had to pay for it. Cost us $3,500. 262 00:13:16,573 --> 00:13:18,023 $5,300 for a dummy? 263 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:21,183 Look. 264 00:13:21,970 --> 00:13:23,170 This is why... 265 00:13:23,362 --> 00:13:24,712 we have training. 266 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,615 We start with the dummy, 267 00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,537 and learn from our mistakes. 268 00:13:28,662 --> 00:13:30,089 And now Dwight knows 269 00:13:30,214 --> 00:13:32,727 not to cut the face off of a real person. 270 00:13:39,581 --> 00:13:42,631 Hope you brought your appetitos, my lady, my tuna. 271 00:13:43,955 --> 00:13:45,605 A little movie popcorn. 272 00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:50,293 Damn it. 273 00:13:50,957 --> 00:13:52,807 This movie, a lot of buzz. 274 00:13:53,022 --> 00:13:55,249 Not coming out for another 6 months. 275 00:13:55,651 --> 00:13:57,546 Mrs. Albert Hannaday. 276 00:13:59,177 --> 00:14:01,381 Friendship with the nerd dog has its privileges. 277 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:05,432 We don't normally download films illegally. 278 00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:07,593 Cause we're honest, hard-working people. 279 00:14:07,718 --> 00:14:09,231 And we don't know how. 280 00:14:09,356 --> 00:14:11,667 But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. 281 00:14:11,792 --> 00:14:13,642 Punishment fits the crime. 282 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,905 And I want you to meet my nana. 283 00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:17,830 Nana? 284 00:14:18,865 --> 00:14:19,715 This... 285 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:20,690 is Sam. 286 00:14:22,515 --> 00:14:24,408 Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hannaday. 287 00:14:24,533 --> 00:14:26,283 Please... Call me "Lily." 288 00:14:34,543 --> 00:14:35,831 Let's play bridge. 289 00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,953 You can be my partner. 290 00:14:39,171 --> 00:14:40,271 All right... 291 00:14:41,024 --> 00:14:41,824 Lily. 292 00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:55,268 What's going on? 293 00:14:55,580 --> 00:14:57,425 No one really knows, but Pam's parents 294 00:14:57,550 --> 00:15:00,022 are going through a bit of a rough patch in their marriage. 295 00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,822 My dad spent the night at our place last night. 296 00:15:02,947 --> 00:15:05,224 My parents have been fighting for weeks and... 297 00:15:05,349 --> 00:15:06,599 it kinda sucks. 298 00:15:06,851 --> 00:15:08,201 Jim's been great. 299 00:15:09,172 --> 00:15:11,722 But I'm gonna need to buy my dad a robe. 300 00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:14,646 He's not saying what he needs to say. 301 00:15:16,145 --> 00:15:17,495 Who? Jack Black? 302 00:15:20,915 --> 00:15:23,239 I mean, they just need to communicate, you know? 303 00:15:23,364 --> 00:15:27,048 If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then... 304 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:32,606 Jim and Pam 305 00:15:33,909 --> 00:15:35,709 are, like, movie geniuses. 306 00:15:37,081 --> 00:15:40,631 They're catching things that are totally going over my head. 307 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:42,829 Hi, everyone. 308 00:15:43,277 --> 00:15:46,411 Corporate has given Dwight... two strikes. 309 00:15:46,536 --> 00:15:48,836 They are very, very upset with him. 310 00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:50,156 So... 311 00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:52,075 as a disciplinary measure, 312 00:15:52,871 --> 00:15:54,684 he is going to have to issue 313 00:15:54,809 --> 00:15:56,159 a formal apology. 314 00:15:57,711 --> 00:15:59,027 Have you prepared 315 00:15:59,152 --> 00:16:00,786 your statement of regret? 316 00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:02,334 - I have. - Let's hear it. 317 00:16:07,121 --> 00:16:08,621 "I state my regret." 318 00:16:10,899 --> 00:16:13,889 - You couldn't have memorized that? - I could not because I did not feel it. 319 00:16:14,342 --> 00:16:17,442 OK, everyone. I am going to need you to sign this statement of regret 320 00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,310 as an acknowledgment that you heard it. 321 00:16:19,505 --> 00:16:21,763 OK? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. 322 00:16:21,888 --> 00:16:24,149 It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. 323 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,187 Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years 324 00:16:27,312 --> 00:16:29,021 and forced him not to exercise. 325 00:16:29,146 --> 00:16:32,531 Now, take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this. 326 00:16:33,211 --> 00:16:34,311 Make a line. 327 00:16:35,244 --> 00:16:37,037 Just form a line right here. 328 00:16:37,739 --> 00:16:38,639 Sign it! 329 00:16:39,641 --> 00:16:40,664 Sign it now! 330 00:16:43,686 --> 00:16:44,686 Hi, dad. 331 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:48,621 Yeah, Jim has shaving cream. Check our bathroom. 332 00:16:49,648 --> 00:16:50,448 Lily? 333 00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:52,744 I'm in here. 334 00:16:59,884 --> 00:17:01,644 I'm sorry, I didn't... 335 00:17:02,982 --> 00:17:04,932 Realize you were in the bath. 336 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,245 Do you want me to go? 337 00:17:12,072 --> 00:17:13,522 I want you to stay. 338 00:17:23,263 --> 00:17:24,639 Give me a break. 339 00:17:25,325 --> 00:17:26,575 I know it, man. 340 00:17:27,272 --> 00:17:29,922 You know, Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. 341 00:17:31,023 --> 00:17:34,073 And it was gonna be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. 342 00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:38,254 But then Nicole Kidman dropped out so they went with Cloris Leachman 343 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,066 with a small rewrite. 344 00:17:40,906 --> 00:17:42,306 Get that in there. 345 00:17:42,431 --> 00:17:43,609 Put it around me. 346 00:17:43,734 --> 00:17:45,458 - Yeah. - Get that done already. 347 00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,332 I know, but if I get it deeper... 348 00:17:47,457 --> 00:17:48,457 What is... 349 00:17:54,164 --> 00:17:56,514 He was pretty talkative at breakfast. 350 00:17:57,326 --> 00:17:58,526 Wha... brea... 351 00:18:00,462 --> 00:18:01,538 Breakfast? 352 00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:05,499 You mean when they were eating soup? 353 00:18:05,694 --> 00:18:07,840 I don't think that was breakfast. 354 00:18:07,965 --> 00:18:10,715 Unless soup... does soup symbolize breakfast? 355 00:18:11,399 --> 00:18:14,840 So he doesn't share with his daughter, but shares with his daughter's fiance? 356 00:18:14,965 --> 00:18:17,265 OK, you guys... They're making out. 357 00:18:22,156 --> 00:18:24,309 Did my dad say anything about my mom? 358 00:18:24,912 --> 00:18:25,712 Nope. 359 00:18:25,837 --> 00:18:28,137 We mostly just talked about cereal. 360 00:18:30,250 --> 00:18:31,067 What? 361 00:18:31,785 --> 00:18:32,935 I don't know. 362 00:18:33,295 --> 00:18:35,909 I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of this stuff 363 00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:38,684 cause he can't really talk to me about it. 364 00:18:39,410 --> 00:18:40,951 You're good to talk to. 365 00:18:42,363 --> 00:18:43,214 I'm OK. 366 00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:45,081 I'm not... great. 367 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:46,050 And... 368 00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:58,152 Everybody sit on the floor, indian-style, like me. 369 00:18:58,761 --> 00:19:00,105 Om... my god, 370 00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:02,696 if you're wearing a dress, please keep your knees together. 371 00:19:02,821 --> 00:19:04,571 Nobody wants to see that. 372 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,664 My goal is to make this office 373 00:19:08,789 --> 00:19:11,739 as peaceful a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. 374 00:19:12,808 --> 00:19:15,658 And I think sounds have a lot to do with that. 375 00:19:16,299 --> 00:19:18,899 Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. 376 00:19:25,863 --> 00:19:27,663 That one makes me think... 377 00:19:28,927 --> 00:19:29,877 of death. 378 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:34,588 That's kind of nice. 379 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,657 It is... 380 00:19:36,374 --> 00:19:37,474 a beautiful, 381 00:19:38,069 --> 00:19:39,152 sunny day 382 00:19:39,875 --> 00:19:40,875 as we walk 383 00:19:41,276 --> 00:19:43,021 through the meadow. 384 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,000 It is very... 385 00:19:45,333 --> 00:19:46,283 spiritual 386 00:19:46,597 --> 00:19:49,479 and relaxing, and there are flowers, 387 00:19:50,135 --> 00:19:52,185 and it is sunny and beautiful. 388 00:19:52,656 --> 00:19:54,086 Now, up ahead, 389 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,258 a castle in the distance. 390 00:19:56,383 --> 00:19:58,513 - Don't open your eyes. - What? 391 00:19:58,638 --> 00:19:59,795 And you walk up 392 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,613 toward the castle, 393 00:20:02,761 --> 00:20:04,520 and inside the castle 394 00:20:04,928 --> 00:20:05,728 are... 395 00:20:05,881 --> 00:20:06,681 four 396 00:20:07,559 --> 00:20:08,359 men. 397 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:10,300 And each of them... 398 00:20:10,425 --> 00:20:12,125 None of them have shoes. 399 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,500 And they give you a funny cigarette, 400 00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:16,910 and you feel even more relaxed. 401 00:20:17,035 --> 00:20:19,357 And then you want ice cream. 402 00:20:19,939 --> 00:20:21,881 You want a big bowl of ice cream. 403 00:20:22,006 --> 00:20:23,805 So what kind do you want? Yell it out. 404 00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,932 - Chunky monkey. - Too expensive. 405 00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:28,049 - Chocolate. - Racism is dead. 406 00:20:28,174 --> 00:20:30,680 You can have any kind of ice cream you want. 407 00:20:30,805 --> 00:20:32,155 What do you want? 408 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:33,880 What is that? People. 409 00:20:34,005 --> 00:20:35,942 I told you to get rid of the cell phones. 410 00:20:36,315 --> 00:20:38,352 It's my biofeedback machine. 411 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,626 What is that? Like a video game? 412 00:20:41,751 --> 00:20:44,116 It alerts me when my stress level goes up 413 00:20:44,241 --> 00:20:46,202 so I can try to calm down. 414 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:47,800 You have stress? 415 00:20:49,203 --> 00:20:51,249 During our relaxation exercise? 416 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,928 - Let me get you some water. - No, I'll help you. 417 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,091 Here we go. 418 00:20:55,549 --> 00:20:58,548 - Let me get you up. - Would you step back? Please. 419 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:00,066 A little further. 420 00:21:15,837 --> 00:21:18,087 I think that thing is on the fritz. 421 00:21:20,755 --> 00:21:22,822 Would you reach over and touch his thing? 422 00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:25,067 That's what he said. Right, guys? 423 00:21:25,192 --> 00:21:26,432 'Cause of gay. 424 00:21:28,209 --> 00:21:29,859 Let's give this a shot. 425 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,422 I think you're what's stressing everybody out. 426 00:21:41,759 --> 00:21:43,759 So it wasn't Dwight after all. 427 00:21:44,444 --> 00:21:46,294 Looks like I am the killer. 428 00:21:46,923 --> 00:21:49,973 You never expect that you're the killer. It's a... 429 00:21:50,238 --> 00:21:51,338 great twist. 430 00:21:52,015 --> 00:21:53,115 Great twist. 431 00:21:57,152 --> 00:21:59,052 Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. 432 00:21:59,817 --> 00:22:00,817 Hey, Mom. 433 00:22:05,832 --> 00:22:07,182 What did Dad say? 434 00:22:10,284 --> 00:22:11,788 What did you say to my dad? 435 00:22:12,313 --> 00:22:14,534 - What? - After you talked, he called my mom 436 00:22:14,659 --> 00:22:16,626 and said he was gonna look for an apartment. 437 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:18,194 Pam, I don't know. 438 00:22:19,645 --> 00:22:20,645 Nothing. 439 00:22:20,866 --> 00:22:23,633 Truly, nothing. I just was honest with him and I... 440 00:22:24,602 --> 00:22:26,452 I'm so sorry, I don't know. 441 00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,221 I'll call him again. 442 00:22:33,239 --> 00:22:35,339 50% of marriages end in divorce. 443 00:22:35,961 --> 00:22:36,761 So... 444 00:22:38,239 --> 00:22:40,389 it was her parents or my parents. 445 00:22:43,006 --> 00:22:46,606 What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? 446 00:22:47,106 --> 00:22:50,535 And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? 447 00:22:55,717 --> 00:22:56,967 I don't get it. 448 00:22:58,345 --> 00:22:59,845 Do I stress you out? 449 00:22:59,970 --> 00:23:01,670 Nothing stresses me out. 450 00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:05,049 Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. 451 00:23:06,303 --> 00:23:07,753 Speaking of which... 452 00:23:12,701 --> 00:23:15,243 Remember when people used to say "boss" 453 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:19,078 when they were describing something that was really cool? 454 00:23:19,338 --> 00:23:20,188 Like... 455 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:23,933 "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man." 456 00:23:24,925 --> 00:23:27,575 "Look at that perm. That perm is so boss." 457 00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:31,191 It's what made me want to become a boss. 458 00:23:33,009 --> 00:23:36,009 And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. 459 00:23:36,426 --> 00:23:38,291 But now, boss is just... 460 00:23:38,654 --> 00:23:39,955 slang for... 461 00:23:40,799 --> 00:23:42,149 "jerk in charge." 462 00:23:43,284 --> 00:23:45,384 OK, everybody. I figured it out. 463 00:23:46,395 --> 00:23:47,395 The reason 464 00:23:47,913 --> 00:23:51,533 that you are all so stressed around me is that you are too intimidated 465 00:23:51,658 --> 00:23:54,223 to tell me what you really think. 466 00:23:54,697 --> 00:23:58,519 You are keeping these feelings inside, and that is causing stress. 467 00:23:58,825 --> 00:24:00,425 So, what is a solution? 468 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,650 Solution is honesty, 469 00:24:03,121 --> 00:24:05,276 laughter, and comedy. In short... 470 00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:06,401 Vacation. 471 00:24:06,918 --> 00:24:07,820 What? No. 472 00:24:08,584 --> 00:24:10,839 I am talking about a roast! 473 00:24:11,780 --> 00:24:13,034 Of Michael Scott. 474 00:24:13,637 --> 00:24:16,579 Come on! Who here has the Comedy Central roast channel? 475 00:24:16,747 --> 00:24:19,362 You've seen it, right? Everybody gets together, 476 00:24:19,487 --> 00:24:22,153 and you start hurling insults at the one guy, 477 00:24:22,278 --> 00:24:25,797 and everybody's laughing, and everybody is hugging each other. 478 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:28,091 Are you serious? You really want us to roast you? 479 00:24:28,642 --> 00:24:30,718 - Si, señor. - That's offensive. 480 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,772 It's not! It's not offensive during a roast. 481 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,758 Anything goes and I want you guys to really get cracking on this. 482 00:24:36,883 --> 00:24:39,685 I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. 483 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:41,353 I want you to really 484 00:24:41,675 --> 00:24:44,775 make fun of anything about me. It could be my race, 485 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:48,290 could be the fact that I'm so fit, or I'm a womanizer. 486 00:24:48,811 --> 00:24:50,198 Fair game. Whatever. 487 00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,189 I don't want to write your stuff for you. 488 00:24:52,314 --> 00:24:53,908 But I just want it to be good. 489 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:01,306 I consider myself a good person. 490 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:03,793 But I'm gonna try to make him cry. 491 00:25:06,213 --> 00:25:09,026 I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. 492 00:25:09,151 --> 00:25:12,568 I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. 493 00:25:12,968 --> 00:25:14,731 I have got to make sure 494 00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,829 that YouTube comes down to tape this. 495 00:25:21,604 --> 00:25:23,020 May I have your attention? 496 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,315 Sign in on the sign-in sheet. The clipboard. 497 00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:30,128 This is mandatory. If you don't sign in, your name will not be counted. 498 00:25:32,811 --> 00:25:34,711 This is your apology letter. 499 00:25:35,396 --> 00:25:37,118 The last signature I needed. 500 00:25:39,995 --> 00:25:41,956 Welcome, welcome, welcome! 501 00:25:42,124 --> 00:25:43,524 You are all jerks. 502 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:47,040 Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. 503 00:25:47,699 --> 00:25:50,405 Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. 504 00:25:50,725 --> 00:25:54,051 If you're here for the Gravoski wedding, it is the second door on the left. 505 00:25:55,652 --> 00:25:58,848 So we all know how these work. Needs to get crazy. 506 00:25:59,016 --> 00:26:00,433 Take your best shots. 507 00:26:00,739 --> 00:26:03,039 I am going to sit right over "chair" 508 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,639 Whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. 509 00:26:10,782 --> 00:26:12,732 Lower the mic for the midget. 510 00:26:15,162 --> 00:26:16,670 If you ever wondered 511 00:26:16,795 --> 00:26:20,045 whether you were Michael Scott, here's a quiz to help. 512 00:26:20,369 --> 00:26:22,622 If you ever put sunblock on a window, 513 00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:24,640 you might be Michael Scott. 514 00:26:26,702 --> 00:26:29,402 I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. 515 00:26:31,090 --> 00:26:33,132 If you ever called the fire department 516 00:26:33,300 --> 00:26:36,052 cause your head was stuck in your chair, you might be... 517 00:26:43,081 --> 00:26:45,628 I don't go make burgers where you work 518 00:26:45,753 --> 00:26:48,203 and then tell you how to make burgers. 519 00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:51,894 I have made a list of people that I would make out with 520 00:26:52,019 --> 00:26:54,291 before I would make out with Michael Scott. 521 00:26:54,416 --> 00:26:56,113 A turtle. A fridge. 522 00:26:57,014 --> 00:26:58,864 Anybody from the warehouse. 523 00:26:59,317 --> 00:27:00,567 A wood chipper. 524 00:27:00,769 --> 00:27:01,536 Kevin. 525 00:27:02,270 --> 00:27:03,204 A candle. 526 00:27:03,580 --> 00:27:05,030 And Lord Voldemort. 527 00:27:05,155 --> 00:27:07,458 Anyway, happy birthday, Michael! 528 00:27:07,626 --> 00:27:09,026 You'd be so lucky! 529 00:27:09,427 --> 00:27:10,377 Good one. 530 00:27:12,659 --> 00:27:14,659 You ran over me with your car. 531 00:27:16,653 --> 00:27:19,419 You posted a picture of my bare boobs 532 00:27:19,544 --> 00:27:23,224 on the bulletin board with a caption that said, "gross." 533 00:27:25,239 --> 00:27:27,019 You are the reason I drink. 534 00:27:27,306 --> 00:27:29,848 You are the reason I live to forget. 535 00:27:41,060 --> 00:27:42,210 Friends only. 536 00:27:45,748 --> 00:27:47,774 Several times a day, Michael says words 537 00:27:47,899 --> 00:27:50,224 words that are way beyond my vocabulary. 538 00:27:50,349 --> 00:27:52,849 - I know where this is going. - Do you? 539 00:27:53,797 --> 00:27:55,347 Remember "spider face"? 540 00:27:55,472 --> 00:27:58,872 'Cause the quote was, "cut off your nose to spider face." 541 00:28:03,644 --> 00:28:05,593 How dare you all attack him like this? 542 00:28:05,718 --> 00:28:08,269 - Stop it. - Michael is your superior. 543 00:28:08,437 --> 00:28:11,140 You should be bowing down in front of him. 544 00:28:11,265 --> 00:28:13,403 OK? They don't understand who they have. 545 00:28:13,528 --> 00:28:16,457 You're interrupting me. I am trying to get your back. 546 00:28:16,582 --> 00:28:19,822 Are you calling me an idiot? Don't you ever talk to me that way. 547 00:28:20,121 --> 00:28:21,981 You pathetic, short little man. 548 00:28:22,106 --> 00:28:25,306 You don't have any friends or any family or any land. 549 00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:34,045 I just want to take a minute to talk about something very serious. 550 00:28:34,405 --> 00:28:35,705 Once every hour, 551 00:28:35,959 --> 00:28:38,624 someone is involved in an Internet scam. 552 00:28:39,491 --> 00:28:41,291 That man is Michael Scott. 553 00:28:42,125 --> 00:28:44,749 He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. 554 00:28:44,874 --> 00:28:46,074 You know what? 555 00:28:46,411 --> 00:28:48,361 Forgive me for caring, right? 556 00:28:49,895 --> 00:28:51,845 Michael is a great delegator. 557 00:28:52,174 --> 00:28:54,674 He never does any work himself... ever. 558 00:28:56,568 --> 00:28:59,018 And one time I walked in on him naked. 559 00:29:00,091 --> 00:29:01,891 And his thing is so small. 560 00:29:02,271 --> 00:29:03,837 How small is it? 561 00:29:04,042 --> 00:29:06,692 If it were an iPod, it would be a Shuffle. 562 00:29:07,916 --> 00:29:09,867 Can I make just a little announcement? 563 00:29:09,992 --> 00:29:12,030 In a professional roast, usually 564 00:29:12,155 --> 00:29:16,150 the roaster will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. 565 00:29:16,275 --> 00:29:18,560 Something about how much they love them. 566 00:29:18,685 --> 00:29:20,418 So just keep that in mind. 567 00:29:20,676 --> 00:29:21,830 Mike claims 568 00:29:21,955 --> 00:29:24,777 - we're all a family. - We are! We are a family. 569 00:29:26,480 --> 00:29:29,225 What's his name? All the way in the back, there. 570 00:29:29,393 --> 00:29:30,443 Very funny. 571 00:29:30,946 --> 00:29:32,246 What's his name? 572 00:29:34,621 --> 00:29:36,249 I'm thinking Roy. 573 00:29:36,374 --> 00:29:39,151 Roy left years ago. What's his name? 574 00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:41,746 I don't believe I have had the pleasure. 575 00:29:41,871 --> 00:29:45,324 I gave you a ride home last week and we spent an hour in traffic. 576 00:29:45,492 --> 00:29:47,592 - What's his name? - Jefferson. 577 00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:50,621 His name is Michael. 578 00:30:00,230 --> 00:30:02,090 What I hate about you 579 00:30:03,048 --> 00:30:04,784 You really suck as a boss 580 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,830 You're the losiest, jerkiest And you're dumber than applesauce 581 00:30:12,970 --> 00:30:15,705 We're stuck listening to you all day 582 00:30:15,830 --> 00:30:18,315 Stanley tried to die just to get away 583 00:30:18,483 --> 00:30:19,733 Well, it's true 584 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,540 That's what I hate about you 585 00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:25,601 That's what I hate about you 586 00:30:38,711 --> 00:30:39,728 And now... 587 00:30:39,853 --> 00:30:42,631 a man who deserves no introduction. 588 00:30:47,856 --> 00:30:49,332 Thank you very much. 589 00:30:49,701 --> 00:30:51,501 Thank you. That was great. 590 00:30:51,626 --> 00:30:53,576 Great job, some great laughs. 591 00:30:55,247 --> 00:30:56,247 Really... 592 00:30:57,410 --> 00:30:59,960 Really went after my intelligence, there. 593 00:31:01,477 --> 00:31:04,361 Dozens of online I.Q. tests might prove you wrong... 594 00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:07,939 And my thing isn't... 595 00:31:08,064 --> 00:31:09,575 tiny, it's average, so. 596 00:31:10,954 --> 00:31:12,654 Get your facts straight. 597 00:31:15,633 --> 00:31:19,133 When I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor 598 00:31:20,187 --> 00:31:21,287 I thought... 599 00:31:22,065 --> 00:31:22,865 Sorry. 600 00:31:23,924 --> 00:31:25,618 I have a frog in my throat. 601 00:31:30,284 --> 00:31:34,183 I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. 602 00:31:39,044 --> 00:31:40,044 First up, 603 00:31:40,336 --> 00:31:41,736 Phyllis and Kevin. 604 00:32:09,679 --> 00:32:11,579 Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. 605 00:32:12,091 --> 00:32:15,541 Sorry, Michael's not here right now. Can I take a message? 606 00:32:17,370 --> 00:32:18,893 Great. I will. Thanks. 607 00:32:23,489 --> 00:32:26,350 It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. 608 00:32:26,475 --> 00:32:28,552 My guess... He's either deeply depressed 609 00:32:28,677 --> 00:32:32,127 or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. 610 00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:36,005 He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them 611 00:32:36,130 --> 00:32:38,563 and staring up at them. And I always say, "Michael, 612 00:32:38,688 --> 00:32:41,295 "take 2 steps back and stare at the icicle from the side." 613 00:32:41,420 --> 00:32:45,415 And he's like, "I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them." 614 00:32:46,410 --> 00:32:48,360 It was only a matter of time. 615 00:32:48,925 --> 00:32:50,795 Michael is so dumb... 616 00:32:51,388 --> 00:32:53,805 that he tries to put his M&Ms 617 00:32:54,066 --> 00:32:55,758 in alphabetical order. 618 00:32:56,279 --> 00:32:57,629 All right, Kevin. 619 00:32:57,923 --> 00:33:00,769 Enough with the Michael jokes. He got it bad enough yesterday. 620 00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:03,772 - I'm almost done. - That reeks, and I'm trying to eat. 621 00:33:04,387 --> 00:33:06,737 Attention, everyone. I've just got a text from Michael. 622 00:33:06,862 --> 00:33:09,028 He says, "personnel day." Are we hiring? 623 00:33:09,992 --> 00:33:12,781 - You're being replaced. - I think he meant "personal day." 624 00:33:12,949 --> 00:33:14,239 That's quite a leap. 625 00:33:14,364 --> 00:33:16,112 I hope he's OK. I feel bad. 626 00:33:16,237 --> 00:33:17,786 Give it up. He's dead. 627 00:33:18,680 --> 00:33:20,194 He just send a text. 628 00:33:20,319 --> 00:33:21,498 What's a text? 629 00:33:42,161 --> 00:33:43,760 You know, sometimes... 630 00:33:44,355 --> 00:33:45,905 to get perspective... 631 00:33:46,515 --> 00:33:50,215 I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away. 632 00:33:51,475 --> 00:33:53,552 And our problems don't matter to him 633 00:33:53,677 --> 00:33:56,427 because we're just a distant point of light. 634 00:33:57,755 --> 00:33:59,505 But he feels sorry for me. 635 00:34:00,395 --> 00:34:03,030 Because he has an incredibly powerful microscope 636 00:34:03,155 --> 00:34:04,805 and he can see my face. 637 00:34:08,255 --> 00:34:09,105 I'm OK. 638 00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:13,484 No, I'm not. 639 00:34:14,135 --> 00:34:15,803 Phyllis, there's a package for you. 640 00:34:19,087 --> 00:34:20,112 Sign here. 641 00:34:31,271 --> 00:34:32,121 Got it. 642 00:34:36,041 --> 00:34:36,841 Sam... 643 00:34:39,473 --> 00:34:42,316 It's not that you dumped my grand-daughter. 644 00:34:42,441 --> 00:34:46,091 And it's not that you want children. It's that you lied to me. 645 00:34:46,328 --> 00:34:47,543 Can't you see that? 646 00:34:47,915 --> 00:34:49,115 Can't you see? 647 00:34:50,805 --> 00:34:53,155 - I'll never trust you. - Lilly, no. 648 00:34:54,748 --> 00:34:55,948 Lilly, please. 649 00:34:57,236 --> 00:34:58,336 Lilly, stop! 650 00:35:00,478 --> 00:35:03,028 I don't care how much time we have left. 651 00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:06,419 I don't care what my friends say. 652 00:35:06,849 --> 00:35:09,049 I don't care what your mom thinks. 653 00:35:09,665 --> 00:35:12,815 Frankly, I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense. 654 00:35:14,390 --> 00:35:15,340 Please... 655 00:35:16,091 --> 00:35:17,990 Move back to my appartement. 656 00:35:28,660 --> 00:35:30,060 I'm not giving up. 657 00:35:30,879 --> 00:35:32,279 I'm not giving up. 658 00:35:36,977 --> 00:35:38,677 Push the reverse button! 659 00:35:39,232 --> 00:35:40,679 Reverse the button! 660 00:35:49,115 --> 00:35:49,915 Sam... 661 00:35:59,223 --> 00:36:00,261 Hey, Dad. 662 00:36:01,669 --> 00:36:03,319 No, I know Mom told me. 663 00:36:09,373 --> 00:36:10,542 I'll see you then. 664 00:36:32,359 --> 00:36:33,859 So, what did he say? 665 00:36:35,339 --> 00:36:36,652 Was it my fault? 666 00:36:41,900 --> 00:36:44,850 He said that you told him how much you loved me. 667 00:36:46,032 --> 00:36:48,632 About how you feel when I walk in a room. 668 00:36:49,107 --> 00:36:50,207 And about... 669 00:36:50,488 --> 00:36:52,692 how you've never doubted for a second 670 00:36:52,817 --> 00:36:56,467 that I'm the woman you wanna spend the rest of your life with. 671 00:36:58,261 --> 00:37:01,911 I guess he has never felt that with my mom even at their best. 672 00:37:02,949 --> 00:37:04,012 You're OK? 673 00:37:08,777 --> 00:37:11,478 When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. 674 00:37:12,330 --> 00:37:14,667 My kids are going to be right about that. 675 00:37:15,916 --> 00:37:18,573 I guess it also means that, sometimes, 676 00:37:18,698 --> 00:37:21,948 love affairs look different to the people inside them. 677 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:28,477 I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. 678 00:37:29,077 --> 00:37:31,127 Maybe I could be a food critic. 679 00:37:31,674 --> 00:37:33,474 "These muffins taste bad." 680 00:37:34,395 --> 00:37:35,745 Or an art critic. 681 00:37:36,007 --> 00:37:37,657 "That painting is bad." 682 00:37:43,385 --> 00:37:45,285 It's really good to see you. 683 00:37:46,573 --> 00:37:49,516 - Why are you wearing a turtleneck? - You're all right? 684 00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:52,461 - I feel I was a little harsh yesterday. - Me too. 685 00:37:52,586 --> 00:37:53,924 We're really sorry. 686 00:37:54,049 --> 00:37:56,148 I spend the afternoon in the park 687 00:37:56,316 --> 00:37:57,941 trying to feed the pigeons. 688 00:37:58,399 --> 00:38:01,049 I guess they all flew West for the winter. 689 00:38:02,253 --> 00:38:04,907 I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you. 690 00:38:05,720 --> 00:38:07,490 - What? - I wrote them down. 691 00:38:07,615 --> 00:38:09,165 So I wouldn't forget. 692 00:38:11,186 --> 00:38:12,486 Jim, you're 6'11 693 00:38:13,612 --> 00:38:16,877 and you weight 90 pounds. Gumby has a better body than you. 694 00:38:17,811 --> 00:38:18,670 Roasted. 695 00:38:18,838 --> 00:38:21,008 Dwight, you're a kiss ass. Boom. Roasted. 696 00:38:21,133 --> 00:38:23,717 Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. 697 00:38:23,885 --> 00:38:24,885 Meredith, 698 00:38:25,010 --> 00:38:27,944 you've slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one. 699 00:38:28,069 --> 00:38:29,669 Boom. Roasted. Kevin, 700 00:38:29,794 --> 00:38:32,564 I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. 701 00:38:32,689 --> 00:38:35,854 Creed, your teeth called: your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. 702 00:38:36,022 --> 00:38:37,314 Where is Angela? 703 00:38:38,308 --> 00:38:41,740 There you are. I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. 704 00:38:41,865 --> 00:38:43,111 Roasted. Stanley, 705 00:38:43,524 --> 00:38:45,989 you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. 706 00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:47,626 Roasted. Oscar, 707 00:38:47,905 --> 00:38:49,371 you are... 708 00:38:55,349 --> 00:38:56,399 You're gay. 709 00:38:57,637 --> 00:39:00,287 Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck. 710 00:39:00,778 --> 00:39:02,678 And you're gayer than Oscar. 711 00:39:03,049 --> 00:39:04,841 - Boom. Roasted. - Boom. Roasted. 712 00:39:15,945 --> 00:39:18,188 All right, everybody. You know I can't. 713 00:39:19,865 --> 00:39:21,273 You know I kid. 714 00:39:21,398 --> 00:39:24,998 You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. 715 00:39:26,789 --> 00:39:29,389 Good night. God bless. God bless America. 716 00:39:29,514 --> 00:39:30,826 And get home safe. 717 00:39:34,831 --> 00:39:37,574 They say that laughter is the best medecine, so... 718 00:39:37,699 --> 00:39:41,142 Stanley, you can throw away those pills. You're cured. 719 00:39:43,187 --> 00:39:44,700 Actually, you should... 720 00:39:44,825 --> 00:39:46,883 better hold on the pills, just in case. 721 00:40:47,966 --> 00:40:50,262 Every Thursday, they bring their best. 722 00:40:50,387 --> 00:40:53,922 - You think you can pull that off? - It'd be the performance of a lifetime. 723 00:40:54,047 --> 00:40:56,703 With the moments that can change lives. 724 00:40:57,098 --> 00:40:58,413 And surprises 725 00:40:59,133 --> 00:41:00,733 that keep us guessing. 726 00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:02,334 This Thursday. 727 00:41:02,502 --> 00:41:04,878 I'm trying to figure out the last time you and Jim had sex. 728 00:41:05,046 --> 00:41:07,255 The shows you love, almost too much. 729 00:41:07,423 --> 00:41:10,133 - Then I'll put my mouth on his. - I don't know what that means. 730 00:41:13,930 --> 00:41:15,472 All new comedy night done right. 731 00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:17,849 A blame. Thursday on NBC. 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net