1
00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:05,280
Today is the test launch day for
the inaugural Sabre store.
2
00:00:05,456 --> 00:00:06,410
(Makes trumpets)
3
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:09,790
And I, Dwight Truth I'm in
charge of the entire operation.
4
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If I can prove myself today
5
00:00:11,509 --> 00:00:12,927
and the store
is a hit with the media
6
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and Nellie sees this,
7
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the vice presidency is mine.
8
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- Are you holding this chair?
- Yes.
9
00:00:18,099 --> 00:00:19,767
'Cause I feel like
I'm gonna fall off.
10
00:00:19,801 --> 00:00:21,135
- Yes. Yes.
- I'm not wearing
11
00:00:21,169 --> 00:00:22,836
- the right shoes for this.
- We went over this, okay?
12
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Your tiny fingers
make the best knots.
13
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Hey, strangers.
14
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So stoked
for the Sabre store opening.
15
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Hey, my name's Tabitha.
16
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I'm camped out in front
of the Sabre store
17
00:00:34,816 --> 00:00:37,251
so I can be first in line
for the new pyramid.
18
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Psst. It's me, Erin.
19
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Dwight had me pretend
to be a hipster to create hype,
20
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and it's working.
21
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There's already people
camped out behind me.
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[Cheerful music]
23
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Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
24
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Test launch day, people.
25
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Now, I would like
to fill you in
26
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on a little secret about me
27
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to inspire you today.
28
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Now, I know you probably
all think
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I'm this patrician goddess.
30
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But here's the truth.
31
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I was born in the little
working class town of Basildon,
32
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and until the age of 32,
33
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[cockney accent]
I talked like this,
34
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which was bloody horrendous,
innit?
35
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I came from dirt--
36
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No, lower than...
37
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What's lower than dirt?
38
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Loam, magma, mantle,
outer core, inner core.
39
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- Yeah, thank you.
- Loam.
40
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Bloody loam, I came from.
41
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I hit rock bottom.
42
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When I auditioned
for the Spice Girls,
43
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I didn't even get a callback.
44
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Which Spice Girl?
45
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The black one.
46
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I never stood a chance.
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Okay.
48
00:01:46,655 --> 00:01:48,222
Now, think about
my journey here today,
49
00:01:48,256 --> 00:01:52,059
and let it inspire
your journey.
50
00:01:52,093 --> 00:01:53,360
Okay.
Nellie, thank you.
51
00:01:53,395 --> 00:01:54,895
- Thank you so much.
- Yep.
52
00:01:54,929 --> 00:01:56,430
Today is press day,
53
00:01:56,448 --> 00:01:59,933
and press is gonna make
or break this store.
54
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:02,269
And for a tech company,
press can only mean one thing--
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Bloggers.
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Dossier on bloggers.
57
00:02:05,940 --> 00:02:08,792
Bloggers are gross,
bloggers are obese.
58
00:02:08,827 --> 00:02:10,744
Bloggers have halitosis.
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You're gonna love 'em.
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00:02:12,998 --> 00:02:16,150
Ryan is going to be
the main event today.
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00:02:16,184 --> 00:02:18,302
He is the pitchman
who is going to give
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the feisty, yet profound speech
63
00:02:20,621 --> 00:02:21,972
worthy of a world's fair.
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Ryan, you ready to do this?
65
00:02:23,141 --> 00:02:24,591
When people
see this presentation,
66
00:02:24,626 --> 00:02:26,126
they're gonna [Bleep]
in their pants.
67
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- Okay.
- Come on, man.
68
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Seriously disgusting.
69
00:02:29,064 --> 00:02:31,131
Cathy, you will be the hot
girl who talks to bloggers.
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Ugh.
Kill me.
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00:02:32,684 --> 00:02:34,134
That was my idea.
72
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Packer, you will be
the sexual predator
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who has come to prey
on the trendy teenage girls
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00:02:38,206 --> 00:02:39,606
who are obsessed
with the pyramid.
75
00:02:39,641 --> 00:02:41,375
- Uh...
- Uh...
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00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:42,976
That is excellent.
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I don't see what that gets us,
but I'm a team player.
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Perfect casting, right?
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00:02:46,314 --> 00:02:47,948
Schrute's out to get me.
80
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But I'm playing the long game.
81
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As soon as he messes up,
82
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I swoop in like
a sexual predator.
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00:02:54,055 --> 00:02:56,924
I want to create
a sense of wonder
84
00:02:56,958 --> 00:02:58,625
and enthusiasm
85
00:02:58,660 --> 00:03:03,130
as if, at the end of ET,
candy poured out of the screen.
86
00:03:03,164 --> 00:03:05,132
Do you understand?
87
00:03:05,166 --> 00:03:08,135
I wanna get goose pimples.
88
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Speaking of pimples,
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let's release the bloggers!
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Morning, everyone.
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00:03:15,610 --> 00:03:16,977
Oh, Andy, guess what
happened to me this morning?
92
00:03:17,011 --> 00:03:18,395
Don't care.
Tell me later.
93
00:03:18,446 --> 00:03:21,848
Listen, it's important.
You've gotta hear this.
94
00:03:21,866 --> 00:03:23,233
What do you got?
95
00:03:23,284 --> 00:03:25,235
- Oh, my God.
- Do you have a black eye?
96
00:03:25,286 --> 00:03:26,553
Yes, I do, Phyllis.
97
00:03:26,588 --> 00:03:28,522
I woke up at 4:00 A.M.
by accident,
98
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,374
in time for the paper
to be delivered.
99
00:03:30,408 --> 00:03:32,526
Guess what.
100
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:35,379
It's not a kid on a bike.
It's a man in a car.
101
00:03:35,413 --> 00:03:36,747
Andy, who punched you?
102
00:03:36,798 --> 00:03:38,365
Hey, I was on the can.
103
00:03:38,383 --> 00:03:40,250
What's this about a black guy
in the office?
104
00:03:40,301 --> 00:03:41,835
Black eye, Meredith.
105
00:03:41,869 --> 00:03:43,870
Will someone please explain
what's going on here?
106
00:03:43,888 --> 00:03:45,756
Since the interesting thing
happened till now,
107
00:03:45,807 --> 00:03:48,842
so much time has passed,
it's like my life is buffering.
108
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Here's what happened.
109
00:03:51,412 --> 00:03:53,046
Pam and I were arriving
for the day,
110
00:03:53,064 --> 00:03:55,616
and there was a gang
in the parking lot
111
00:03:55,650 --> 00:03:57,818
on bikes,
on-- on motorcycles.
112
00:03:57,852 --> 00:04:00,387
And they just were
hassling Pam...
113
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- That's true.
- They had, uh...
114
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- Weapons.
- Weapons.
115
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I just stepped in to talk
some sense into them.
116
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But these were not the kind
of people who use their words.
117
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Punches were going,
and I ducked a few,
118
00:04:13,034 --> 00:04:15,735
landed a couple,
and I was fighting them off.
119
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It was totally, like--
like, senseless crime.
120
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- Thank goodness he was there.
- Good job, Andy.
121
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Yeah!
[All murmuring]
122
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I didn't do anything
any of you wouldn't have done.
123
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Open the gates!
124
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There's plenty for everyone.
No need to panic.
125
00:04:31,519 --> 00:04:33,654
- There's plenty for everyone!
- Quit it!
126
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There's plenty!
Don't stampede.
127
00:04:35,123 --> 00:04:36,890
No need to stampede, sir.
128
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- I was ahead of you!
- Okay, okay, hey, hey!
129
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It's gonna be fine.
130
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It's gonna be fine.
There's plenty of pyramids.
131
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Come on.
I was in line before you.
132
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So you're a blogger, right?
133
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Yeah. Blogger.
134
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God, stay away.
135
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Oh, I always get in trouble
around bloggers.
136
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I'm trying to be
a good girl for once.
137
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Uh, yeah, I already
bought my pyramid,
138
00:05:00,048 --> 00:05:01,832
but I don't want to leave yet.
139
00:05:01,883 --> 00:05:03,517
I haven't had so much fun
since seeing...
140
00:05:03,551 --> 00:05:07,087
Zoo-ey Desh-channel at
the Couch-arilla Music Festival.
141
00:05:07,121 --> 00:05:08,589
So fun.
142
00:05:08,623 --> 00:05:10,507
How can we feel safe knowing
that there are gangs here?
143
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We should call the police
right now!
144
00:05:12,460 --> 00:05:13,861
- No!
- Yes!
145
00:05:13,895 --> 00:05:16,129
No, no, no, no, no, we don't
need to call the police.
146
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They'll just ask everybody
questions,
147
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get up in everyone's business,
right, Pam?
148
00:05:19,567 --> 00:05:22,769
Police are a hassle.
We settled this on the street.
149
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And my eye will heal.
But if the police come,
150
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then we will forever
stain our neighborhood
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00:05:27,508 --> 00:05:28,992
as a troubled area.
152
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Why would you care
153
00:05:30,361 --> 00:05:32,479
what the police think
of our neighborhood?
154
00:05:32,513 --> 00:05:35,148
Because I have
neighborhood pride.
155
00:05:35,166 --> 00:05:36,717
1-8-5-0-5.
156
00:05:36,751 --> 00:05:38,485
- 1-8-5-0-5.
- Guys, guys.
157
00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:40,320
That's so vague.
158
00:05:40,355 --> 00:05:42,556
You gotta do the zip plus 4.
159
00:05:42,590 --> 00:05:44,124
1-8-5-0-5...
160
00:05:44,158 --> 00:05:46,510
Dash 7-4-2-7!
161
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Look, I don't feel safe.
162
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I think we should
call the police.
163
00:05:50,598 --> 00:05:52,299
Exactly.
We need to feel safe.
164
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:54,301
Which is why...
165
00:05:54,335 --> 00:05:58,639
Toby is teaching us
self-defense.
166
00:05:58,673 --> 00:06:00,006
Me?
167
00:06:00,024 --> 00:06:01,358
Toby, will you teach us
self-defense?
168
00:06:01,392 --> 00:06:03,977
Yeah. Um... I can't
believe you remembered
169
00:06:04,012 --> 00:06:05,979
I do self-defense.
170
00:06:06,013 --> 00:06:08,065
Um, I'll go put on my cup.
171
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Great.
172
00:06:09,684 --> 00:06:11,184
- Yes!
- Okay.
173
00:06:11,202 --> 00:06:13,237
I wasn't sure which one
of you was Chuck!
174
00:06:13,288 --> 00:06:15,455
Yeah, no, it seems
to be going great.
175
00:06:16,741 --> 00:06:18,692
Andy got beat up
by a fifth grade girl?
176
00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:20,260
Look at that guy.
177
00:06:20,295 --> 00:06:22,162
He's got his Sabre phone on,
and he's not even using it.
178
00:06:22,196 --> 00:06:25,749
This is a perfect photo
for my "Daily Fail" blog.
179
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,051
Uh, I-I gotta go.
Okay.
180
00:06:28,086 --> 00:06:30,637
Dwight, what is a fail?
That sounds bad.
181
00:06:30,672 --> 00:06:32,105
Oh, no, no, no.
It's good.
182
00:06:32,140 --> 00:06:34,574
It's really-- on the Internet,
it's a really--
183
00:06:34,609 --> 00:06:36,710
That's a really good,
good thing.
184
00:06:36,728 --> 00:06:38,762
Are you trying to sabotage
this entire event?
185
00:06:38,813 --> 00:06:39,896
I'm very sorry.
186
00:06:39,931 --> 00:06:43,150
We gave you
an Arrowhead for free
187
00:06:43,184 --> 00:06:44,685
for the day.
188
00:06:44,719 --> 00:06:46,787
How hard would it have been
189
00:06:46,821 --> 00:06:48,522
to do this, hmm?
190
00:06:48,556 --> 00:06:51,024
"Hello. Hi, sweetie.
It's Jim.
191
00:06:51,059 --> 00:06:53,076
"I'm calling you
from the new Arrowhead,
192
00:06:53,111 --> 00:06:54,928
"which is why my voice
is crystal clear
193
00:06:54,963 --> 00:06:56,580
"and my hand
won't ever get tired
194
00:06:56,614 --> 00:06:58,732
because of the ergonomic
shape."
195
00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,951
I'm really sorry.
Is there anything I can do,
196
00:07:01,002 --> 00:07:02,602
maybe pretend to be Chuck?
197
00:07:02,637 --> 00:07:04,121
You could have pretended
to be Chuck.
198
00:07:04,172 --> 00:07:05,906
I begged you to pretend
to be Chuck,
199
00:07:05,940 --> 00:07:07,274
but you chose to be yourself,
200
00:07:07,308 --> 00:07:08,959
and you can no longer be Chuck!
201
00:07:09,010 --> 00:07:11,295
Surrender the tripack.
202
00:07:15,850 --> 00:07:18,752
You know what you have to do.
203
00:07:23,691 --> 00:07:26,326
Point it towards
the store, idiot!
204
00:07:36,224 --> 00:07:38,559
(Laughs)
You know what I mean...?
205
00:07:38,593 --> 00:07:40,060
One of these buttons is--
206
00:07:40,094 --> 00:07:42,396
Damn it.
Take over.
207
00:07:42,430 --> 00:07:45,098
Oh, hey, hey, hey,
you guys, you must be lost.
208
00:07:45,116 --> 00:07:47,100
Listen.
Excuse me, sir.
209
00:07:47,118 --> 00:07:48,702
Yeah, the fountain where
you can feed the pigeons
210
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:49,987
is out behind the bank.
211
00:07:50,021 --> 00:07:51,905
Tell your great grandson
to bring his kid by.
212
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:54,074
Okay. So long.
Here we go.
213
00:07:54,108 --> 00:07:56,243
Erin! Psst!
Come on!
214
00:07:56,277 --> 00:07:58,078
The elderly suck the life
out of the young.
215
00:07:58,112 --> 00:07:59,246
Get them out of here!
216
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,082
We are closed!
Come on.
217
00:08:02,116 --> 00:08:05,335
Self-defense is not
some fun boxing match, okay?
218
00:08:05,386 --> 00:08:07,187
This is about escaping
with your life.
219
00:08:07,222 --> 00:08:11,175
So... Strike,
scream, and run.
220
00:08:11,226 --> 00:08:14,828
All right?
Let's try it.
221
00:08:14,863 --> 00:08:18,798
- [Screams]
- Ow.
222
00:08:18,817 --> 00:08:20,300
That may have been my fault.
223
00:08:20,335 --> 00:08:21,602
What the hell, Toby?
224
00:08:21,636 --> 00:08:23,637
Okay, look,
in a real crisis situation,
225
00:08:23,655 --> 00:08:26,323
you're not gonna
have time to think, okay?
226
00:08:26,357 --> 00:08:28,692
So just remember,
I-a-a-t-g.
227
00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:30,911
"It's all about the groin."
228
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:34,181
What if you're being
attacked by a...
229
00:08:34,215 --> 00:08:36,183
Smallish man
230
00:08:36,217 --> 00:08:38,285
who happens to not
have a groin?
231
00:08:38,319 --> 00:08:40,287
I don't think
that's very common.
232
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:43,657
What if you're being attacked
by a 4'11" man
233
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,626
- who's penisless?
- Why are you fixated
234
00:08:45,660 --> 00:08:48,328
on this hypothetical
transgendered attacker?
235
00:08:48,363 --> 00:08:49,830
Why don't we start
with the basics?
236
00:08:49,864 --> 00:08:51,632
Show us how to defend ourselves
against a baby,
237
00:08:51,666 --> 00:08:54,668
and then like
a fifth-grade girl,
238
00:08:54,686 --> 00:08:56,386
and then, you know,
if we have time,
239
00:08:56,437 --> 00:08:57,871
on up to a scary man.
240
00:08:57,906 --> 00:08:59,640
Well, the most common
scenario
241
00:08:59,674 --> 00:09:02,209
is a larger man
attacking a smaller female.
242
00:09:02,243 --> 00:09:04,027
So in that scenario,
243
00:09:04,062 --> 00:09:06,980
what if the victim
244
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:09,449
sucker-punches the attacker
in the face?
245
00:09:09,484 --> 00:09:11,318
What can the attacker then do
246
00:09:11,352 --> 00:09:12,719
to better protect himself?
247
00:09:12,754 --> 00:09:14,521
It's interesting
that you're drawn
248
00:09:14,539 --> 00:09:16,740
to the point of view
of the attacker.
249
00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:19,409
You would like
the turn of the table.
250
00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:20,994
Okay, the latest
Chad Flenderman novel...
251
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,213
[Everyone groans]
Based from the point of view
252
00:09:23,248 --> 00:09:25,666
of his nemesis,
Dr. Lucifer Wu.
253
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:28,051
Can I please leave?
I have a rape flute.
254
00:09:28,086 --> 00:09:30,704
All right, well, let's try
one simple technique together.
255
00:09:30,722 --> 00:09:32,873
Why doesn't everyone stand?
Okay, so...
256
00:09:32,907 --> 00:09:34,675
You're being attacked.
You got your hands up.
257
00:09:34,709 --> 00:09:36,760
Simple palm strike to the chin.
258
00:09:36,811 --> 00:09:39,179
Up to the chin.
One, two.
259
00:09:39,213 --> 00:09:40,931
All: One, two.
260
00:09:40,982 --> 00:09:43,233
- One, two.
- [Softly] Take that, kid.
261
00:09:43,268 --> 00:09:46,019
Cathy, I would like
to introduce you
262
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,321
to fatty gruesome.
263
00:09:47,355 --> 00:09:50,073
He is a freelancer
for Wired Magazine.
264
00:09:50,108 --> 00:09:52,075
Patty Grossman.
I'm a woman.
265
00:09:52,110 --> 00:09:53,610
But you still work for
Wired, right?
266
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:54,895
Yes.
Good!
267
00:09:54,929 --> 00:09:57,898
Okay. Flirt away.
268
00:09:57,932 --> 00:09:59,116
Sabre.
269
00:09:59,167 --> 00:10:01,702
It's time to come home.
270
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,106
Yeah.
271
00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:07,708
Yeah. I mean, I think...
272
00:10:07,742 --> 00:10:09,543
It seemed like you were
a little nervous.
273
00:10:09,577 --> 00:10:11,628
Yeah, no [Bleep], Sherlock!
Can somebody please tell me
274
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:13,146
something encouraging
about this presentation
275
00:10:13,181 --> 00:10:15,081
before I go out there in front
of a million people and do it?
276
00:10:15,099 --> 00:10:16,633
I know, I know, champ,
just calm down,
277
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,769
because listen...
278
00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,437
When you're out in front
of all those people...
279
00:10:20,471 --> 00:10:22,889
- Yeah, what?
- You just need to realize
280
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:26,059
so much rides on this.
281
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,761
- You have no idea.
- Dwight.
282
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,597
I'm trying to make him
feel important.
283
00:10:30,615 --> 00:10:32,399
God. I wish Kelly
were here.
284
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,234
She always knew what to say.
285
00:10:34,268 --> 00:10:36,486
Um...
286
00:10:36,537 --> 00:10:38,605
[Imitating kelly] Oh, Ryan,
287
00:10:38,623 --> 00:10:39,740
you're so smart.
288
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:41,208
You're smarter than
Mark Zuckerberg
289
00:10:41,242 --> 00:10:43,443
and those Google guys
all combined.
290
00:10:43,461 --> 00:10:45,612
- Hee hee hee.
- You're so ignorant,
291
00:10:45,647 --> 00:10:47,164
you barely know
what you're talking about.
292
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:49,115
That's so ridiculous.
293
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:51,385
You really need
to read a couple of books.
294
00:10:51,419 --> 00:10:53,253
What's a book?
[Giggles]
295
00:10:53,287 --> 00:10:56,306
Oh, my God.
You're so embarrassing.
296
00:10:56,341 --> 00:10:59,192
My mom would say
the best stuff, though.
297
00:11:01,162 --> 00:11:03,263
[Ahem]
298
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,701
You can...
299
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,336
[Slightly effeminate]
You can do it, Ryan.
300
00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:11,838
And you know
that I'm capable of this.
301
00:11:11,873 --> 00:11:14,207
- You're the only one
who can do it, s-sweetie.
302
00:11:14,242 --> 00:11:16,476
What did you think
of the presentation?
303
00:11:16,511 --> 00:11:19,212
I thought it was great,
sweetie.
304
00:11:19,247 --> 00:11:20,714
I would just fix
that one--
305
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,499
Oh, "fix" means you hate it!
I knew it!
306
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:24,885
- I need something to drink!
- Jim, get him a water.
307
00:11:24,919 --> 00:11:26,286
No, not a water.
A sports drink.
308
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:27,704
I hate everything
in that fridge.
309
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:29,706
Not red-- Get me something
yellow or green
310
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,208
from a nearby store.
311
00:11:31,259 --> 00:11:32,992
Not red!
312
00:11:33,011 --> 00:11:34,661
Why are you just
standing there?
313
00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:39,499
Go to a nearby store and get him
a yellow or green sports drink!
314
00:11:39,517 --> 00:11:42,669
Now, if your attacker
is willing to defile a corpse,
315
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:45,004
you better stop playing dead
right away
316
00:11:45,023 --> 00:11:46,973
and just make it known
that you're alive.
317
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:48,058
Forgive me for interrupting.
318
00:11:48,109 --> 00:11:49,810
I believe my daughter
319
00:11:49,844 --> 00:11:51,978
had an altercation
with somebody here,
320
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,548
some fancy gentleman
with a squeaky voice?
321
00:11:54,582 --> 00:11:56,683
[Deep voice] I think you guys
might have the wrong office.
322
00:11:56,701 --> 00:11:58,819
That's him...
The guy I hit.
323
00:11:58,853 --> 00:12:01,354
- What?
- You've gotta be kidding me.
324
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,690
Poor Andy!
325
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:05,709
First you got beat up
by a gang,
326
00:12:05,743 --> 00:12:08,528
- and now she kicks your ass?
- No, Kevin-- [Sighs]
327
00:12:08,546 --> 00:12:10,597
What about the lady you hit
with a pine cone?
328
00:12:10,631 --> 00:12:11,832
There.
That chubby one.
329
00:12:11,866 --> 00:12:14,201
I just had a baby.
330
00:12:14,235 --> 00:12:16,236
- Yesterday?
- Wow.
331
00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:17,971
Apologize.
332
00:12:18,005 --> 00:12:19,205
Sorry I kicked your ass
333
00:12:19,223 --> 00:12:21,174
in front of your "thin"
girlfriend.
334
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,342
How 'bout we wait
till next year
335
00:12:22,376 --> 00:12:23,510
after you have your kid?
336
00:12:23,544 --> 00:12:26,113
You know what?
Tiffy's going to college.
337
00:12:26,147 --> 00:12:27,397
[Deep voice]
Listen, I don't know
338
00:12:27,432 --> 00:12:28,715
what you guys
are talking about,
339
00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:30,684
but I guess I'll just
accept your apology
340
00:12:30,718 --> 00:12:32,018
so we can get on with our day.
341
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:33,720
God bless.
342
00:12:33,738 --> 00:12:35,722
Friend of mine uses your paper.
343
00:12:35,740 --> 00:12:37,056
You do good work.
344
00:12:37,108 --> 00:12:39,409
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
345
00:12:39,444 --> 00:12:41,361
So, Toby, I think we should
do a different
346
00:12:41,395 --> 00:12:42,746
self-defense seminar--
347
00:12:42,780 --> 00:12:45,398
"How to protect ourselves
against tiny little girls."
348
00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:48,585
There's no shame in getting
beaten up by a girl.
349
00:12:48,619 --> 00:12:50,704
My ex-wife
used to demolish me.
350
00:12:50,738 --> 00:12:52,289
No, there is shame in it,
okay?
351
00:12:52,340 --> 00:12:54,007
We have
to draw the line somewhere.
352
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:56,593
Oh, my God, I think I see
the imprint of a ring pop.
353
00:12:56,627 --> 00:12:57,711
Oh...
354
00:12:57,745 --> 00:12:59,713
[Kelly laughing]
355
00:12:59,747 --> 00:13:01,264
Have you seen Erin?
356
00:13:01,299 --> 00:13:04,284
I'm on break.
357
00:13:05,286 --> 00:13:06,636
Oh, God!
No, hey, bloggers,
358
00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:08,021
where do you think
you're going?
359
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,473
No, no, no, you gotta stay
for the big presentation.
360
00:13:09,524 --> 00:13:11,558
We got
this young whiz kid-- Ryan.
361
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:13,259
He's like an even
more handsome Bill Gates.
362
00:13:13,277 --> 00:13:14,594
When's the presentation?
363
00:13:14,612 --> 00:13:16,396
It's moments away.
Just stay here!
364
00:13:16,430 --> 00:13:18,732
Hey, Uncle Lucas,
it's your nephew, Ryan.
365
00:13:18,766 --> 00:13:20,700
Honestly, I could use
a prescription
366
00:13:20,735 --> 00:13:22,953
for ritalin right now.
367
00:13:22,987 --> 00:13:26,406
Well, I know you did one
for Aunt Carol.
368
00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:28,575
Oh, so it's different
because it's your wife?
369
00:13:28,609 --> 00:13:30,109
Well, that doesn't make
any sense to me.
370
00:13:30,128 --> 00:13:32,646
- How you doing?
- Don't talk to me right now.
371
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,214
I'm sorry,
I know you're my boss,
372
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:37,450
but seriously, you need to get
the hell out of my face.
373
00:13:37,468 --> 00:13:40,086
What I don't understand
is why...[Voice fades]
374
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,556
Your little man
is unraveling.
375
00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:44,090
Now, go and fix it.
376
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:45,892
Sorry about kicking you out.
377
00:13:45,927 --> 00:13:49,128
It's just we don't want
our brand associated with death.
378
00:13:49,147 --> 00:13:51,264
It's okay.
I'll go to the Costco
379
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:53,266
and search for handsome men.
380
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,468
You're not married yet?
381
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:56,970
[Laughs] Oh, I was.
382
00:13:56,988 --> 00:13:59,606
My husband was my best friend.
383
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,208
He passed away.
384
00:14:02,693 --> 00:14:04,878
My best friend
was my boss Andy.
385
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,646
We dated for a while,
386
00:14:06,664 --> 00:14:08,198
but since then, he rejected me,
387
00:14:08,249 --> 00:14:09,883
and we're not really friends.
388
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,619
Someone rejected you?
389
00:14:12,653 --> 00:14:14,037
With that body
390
00:14:14,088 --> 00:14:15,589
and those bazongas?
391
00:14:15,623 --> 00:14:16,706
Forget him!
392
00:14:16,757 --> 00:14:19,626
Yeah!
Forget him!
393
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:21,828
And you should
forget your husband.
394
00:14:21,846 --> 00:14:23,663
Well...
395
00:14:23,681 --> 00:14:26,049
How long has he
been in the bathroom?
396
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:27,684
- About ten minutes.
- Jeez!
397
00:14:27,718 --> 00:14:29,352
What's he doing in there?
[Cell phone vibrates]
398
00:14:29,387 --> 00:14:30,804
Oop, that's my phone.
Am I allowed to answer it,
399
00:14:30,838 --> 00:14:33,940
- or are you gonna freak out?
- Are there bloggers around?
400
00:14:33,975 --> 00:14:35,642
It's Ryan.
"I'm sorry. I lied.
401
00:14:35,676 --> 00:14:38,044
"I'm not in the bathroom.
I can't do it.
402
00:14:38,079 --> 00:14:40,580
I need to see my mom.
I'm going home."
403
00:14:40,615 --> 00:14:44,034
What is the delay here?
404
00:14:44,068 --> 00:14:45,869
Where's Ryan?
405
00:14:45,903 --> 00:14:47,237
Why is he not here?
406
00:14:47,288 --> 00:14:50,023
I had to send him home.
407
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,826
As brilliant and creative
as he is,
408
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:54,594
he is nothing...
409
00:14:54,629 --> 00:14:57,597
- Compared to this guy!
- Uh...
410
00:14:57,632 --> 00:14:58,748
- What?
- That's right.
411
00:14:58,799 --> 00:15:00,250
Will you just give us a second?
412
00:15:00,301 --> 00:15:01,751
You are gonna bloody ruin it.
413
00:15:01,802 --> 00:15:03,169
You're gonna bloody ruin it
because you're a no-good
414
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,839
- half-ass cockeyed...
- Okay.
415
00:15:05,873 --> 00:15:07,557
- That's--
- Jim--
416
00:15:07,592 --> 00:15:08,675
- I'm not doing
the presentation.
417
00:15:08,709 --> 00:15:10,510
Look at me.
Look at me!
418
00:15:10,544 --> 00:15:12,612
Look... At... This... Face.
419
00:15:12,647 --> 00:15:14,397
This is not the face
of a performer.
420
00:15:14,432 --> 00:15:15,882
This is the face
of a scary apparition
421
00:15:15,917 --> 00:15:17,567
you see before you die.
422
00:15:17,602 --> 00:15:19,653
I'm telling you...
423
00:15:19,687 --> 00:15:22,222
If you don't do this,
424
00:15:22,256 --> 00:15:25,091
[whispers]
I don't stand a chance.
425
00:15:25,126 --> 00:15:27,160
Please, Jim.
426
00:15:31,766 --> 00:15:34,584
Okay. I'll do it.
427
00:15:34,619 --> 00:15:35,869
Oh, my God.
428
00:15:35,903 --> 00:15:38,638
O...kay!
429
00:15:38,673 --> 00:15:40,573
Go get into Ryan's costume
and check out his notes.
430
00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:42,542
- A costume?
- Of course there's a costume!
431
00:15:42,576 --> 00:15:44,511
[Laughs]
432
00:15:44,545 --> 00:15:46,296
Oh, this is gonna be great.
433
00:15:46,347 --> 00:15:47,764
There's nothing like
some last-minute changes
434
00:15:47,798 --> 00:15:51,168
to really energize
a presentation.
435
00:15:51,202 --> 00:15:52,853
Huh?
436
00:16:01,745 --> 00:16:04,915
Did you pass out in there?
What is taking so long?
437
00:16:04,949 --> 00:16:06,749
I've been in here
for 20 seconds.
438
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:07,984
Hurry up.
Let me in.
439
00:16:08,019 --> 00:16:09,319
I wanna watch you get dressed.
440
00:16:09,353 --> 00:16:11,521
Did you find the eyeliner?
441
00:16:11,556 --> 00:16:13,456
I'm not wearing eyeliner.
442
00:16:13,491 --> 00:16:15,942
You are
wearing eyeliner, Jim.
443
00:16:15,977 --> 00:16:18,979
[Coldplay's Clocks]
444
00:16:19,030 --> 00:16:24,768
♪ ♪
445
00:16:24,802 --> 00:16:27,838
Time. Space.
446
00:16:27,872 --> 00:16:29,239
Gender.
447
00:16:29,273 --> 00:16:31,341
[Dwight mouthing words]
There are no rules anymore.
448
00:16:31,375 --> 00:16:33,326
All boundaries
are breaking down
449
00:16:33,377 --> 00:16:37,164
in the wake
of the infinite future.
450
00:16:37,215 --> 00:16:39,449
The only thing that--
451
00:16:39,483 --> 00:16:41,484
The only thing that remain--
452
00:16:41,519 --> 00:16:43,520
The only thing that remains
are the things
453
00:16:43,554 --> 00:16:45,255
that have stood
the test of time--
454
00:16:45,289 --> 00:16:47,357
Love, values,
455
00:16:47,391 --> 00:16:50,126
and of course,
the pyramids--
456
00:16:50,144 --> 00:16:53,196
The strongest shape
ever constructed,
457
00:16:53,231 --> 00:16:54,964
a shape that fits
458
00:16:54,982 --> 00:16:57,500
all other shapes inside of it.
459
00:16:57,535 --> 00:16:58,818
[Softly]
No, that--
460
00:16:58,853 --> 00:16:59,936
It's true.
461
00:16:59,970 --> 00:17:02,873
This... is the future,
462
00:17:02,907 --> 00:17:04,441
because...
463
00:17:04,475 --> 00:17:06,509
this is the past.
464
00:17:06,544 --> 00:17:09,613
I've been through a lot
of issues in my life.
465
00:17:09,647 --> 00:17:12,249
I've seen drug addiction,
466
00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:14,251
unemployment.
467
00:17:14,285 --> 00:17:17,020
I've been in a relationship
that tore my heart apart
468
00:17:17,054 --> 00:17:19,089
without ever being able
to accept
469
00:17:19,123 --> 00:17:21,391
that love drove the pain.
470
00:17:21,425 --> 00:17:23,493
[Scattered applause]
Yep.
471
00:17:23,527 --> 00:17:25,095
When I was ten years old,
472
00:17:25,129 --> 00:17:27,130
my parents took me
to Disney World.
473
00:17:27,164 --> 00:17:30,467
I cried the whole time.
474
00:17:30,501 --> 00:17:32,018
I was not able to comprehend
475
00:17:32,053 --> 00:17:35,705
the beauty that was before me.
476
00:17:35,740 --> 00:17:38,208
I just wanted...
To go home.
477
00:17:38,242 --> 00:17:41,811
This is what the pyramid
will do for you.
478
00:17:41,845 --> 00:17:45,548
It is the bridge to the world.
479
00:17:45,583 --> 00:17:47,584
It has a USB port.
480
00:17:47,618 --> 00:17:49,069
Wireless...
481
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,738
Will be available in 2013.
482
00:17:51,789 --> 00:17:55,492
You can play anything
483
00:17:55,526 --> 00:17:58,378
from Chuck to Cars 2.
484
00:18:00,398 --> 00:18:02,265
With the pyramid,
485
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:04,100
you have the connection
486
00:18:04,135 --> 00:18:06,069
to everything,
487
00:18:06,103 --> 00:18:07,570
in time...
488
00:18:07,605 --> 00:18:09,506
and space.
489
00:18:09,540 --> 00:18:11,207
Crowd: Oh!
490
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:14,377
Psst!
491
00:18:15,379 --> 00:18:16,813
Oh.
492
00:18:20,601 --> 00:18:22,402
Ryan: Sabre.
493
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:26,022
It's time...
to come home.
494
00:18:36,951 --> 00:18:38,134
All right.
495
00:18:38,169 --> 00:18:40,303
Thank you so much.
Wow.
496
00:18:40,338 --> 00:18:42,555
Wow!
497
00:18:42,590 --> 00:18:43,974
And good night.
498
00:18:44,008 --> 00:18:45,542
[Applause continues]
499
00:18:45,576 --> 00:18:46,593
Yeah.
500
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:49,129
Thank you.
501
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:51,281
Thank you very much.
502
00:18:51,315 --> 00:18:53,633
Okay, this isn't over.
Let's stay focused, okay?
503
00:18:53,684 --> 00:18:55,084
We made fun of Andy earlier
504
00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:56,936
for getting beat up
by a little girl,
505
00:18:56,971 --> 00:18:59,422
but... little things
can be dangerous.
506
00:18:59,457 --> 00:19:01,808
Whether it's a Gremlin
507
00:19:01,859 --> 00:19:03,326
or Chucky The Doll--
508
00:19:03,361 --> 00:19:05,962
The key is to throw it
in something.
509
00:19:05,997 --> 00:19:07,614
Like a fireplace
510
00:19:07,648 --> 00:19:10,116
or a tub of electricity.
511
00:19:10,151 --> 00:19:11,951
Okay, good point.
Um...
512
00:19:11,986 --> 00:19:15,171
Good point?
What is a tub of electricity?
513
00:19:15,206 --> 00:19:17,374
- I don't-- I don't--
- With all due respect,
514
00:19:17,408 --> 00:19:19,275
we know
what we're defending against.
515
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:21,127
It's a 12-year-old
female bully.
516
00:19:21,162 --> 00:19:23,480
- I was a 12-year-old bully.
- Great!
517
00:19:23,514 --> 00:19:25,782
I think Kelly
should attack Toby.
518
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,017
Yeah.
519
00:19:27,051 --> 00:19:28,284
Yeah, that's not
a bad idea, actually,
520
00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:30,470
because I have had a lot
of pent-up aggression.
521
00:19:30,504 --> 00:19:32,455
- Thanks.
- Good. Go.
522
00:19:32,490 --> 00:19:34,090
- I don't know if this
is gonna help--
523
00:19:34,124 --> 00:19:35,525
Let's go, Kelly.
524
00:19:35,559 --> 00:19:37,594
We should stay to maybe
some more traditional models--
525
00:19:37,628 --> 00:19:38,978
You think you're so pretty!
526
00:19:39,013 --> 00:19:41,464
Well, you're not gonna be
so pretty come prom time!
527
00:19:41,499 --> 00:19:43,350
Okay, this is what's called
pre-violent posturing.
528
00:19:43,401 --> 00:19:46,603
Take that!
Not so pre-violent anymore!
529
00:19:46,637 --> 00:19:49,022
Okay, I'm at what's called
"the decision point."
530
00:19:49,073 --> 00:19:50,357
- Hey, hey, hey,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly--
531
00:19:50,408 --> 00:19:51,941
[Smack] Ow!
532
00:19:51,975 --> 00:19:54,144
God! My good eye!
533
00:19:54,178 --> 00:19:56,513
Oh, boy!
534
00:19:56,547 --> 00:19:57,881
Oh, no, I'm not
laughing at you.
535
00:19:57,915 --> 00:20:00,617
I'm laughing at, um...
something that
536
00:20:00,651 --> 00:20:03,953
Cece did on the playground
earlier-- Yesterday.
537
00:20:03,987 --> 00:20:05,988
This morning.
538
00:20:06,006 --> 00:20:08,024
You know why I got
hit by girls?
539
00:20:08,059 --> 00:20:11,261
Because I stood up
for others...
540
00:20:11,295 --> 00:20:14,347
Pam and Toby.
541
00:20:14,382 --> 00:20:16,466
I stepped in, and I didn't care
542
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,668
that I was standing up
to girls.
543
00:20:18,686 --> 00:20:20,553
You may wanna ask yourselves,
544
00:20:20,604 --> 00:20:24,357
"where were you
when the girls came?"
545
00:20:25,776 --> 00:20:28,611
Tough day. Yes.
But I feel good.
546
00:20:28,646 --> 00:20:31,247
I put the office
in their place,
547
00:20:31,282 --> 00:20:33,817
took a bunch of pain killers,
drank half a bottle of wine,
548
00:20:33,851 --> 00:20:35,218
took my pants off.
549
00:20:35,252 --> 00:20:38,655
I just feel good!
550
00:20:38,689 --> 00:20:41,524
Okay, okay, I will be
the first to admit it.
551
00:20:41,542 --> 00:20:43,693
We could have integrated more
Chuck into the presentation.
552
00:20:43,711 --> 00:20:44,694
Dwight.
553
00:20:44,728 --> 00:20:48,164
You're the Vice President.
554
00:20:48,199 --> 00:20:49,749
Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah!
555
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,401
- [Squealing]
- Okay!
556
00:20:51,435 --> 00:20:53,536
- Come on!
- Aah!
557
00:20:53,554 --> 00:20:54,838
Right on!
558
00:20:54,872 --> 00:20:56,506
Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
559
00:20:56,540 --> 00:20:57,792
Boom!
560
00:21:27,228 --> 00:21:32,224
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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