1 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:13,388 Hey! 2 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,557 Learn how to drive, you jabroni! 3 00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,018 I'll sue you to the bottom of the fucking Hudson! 4 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,648 It's so great to be back in New York. 5 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:23,732 - Yeah. - Rats! 6 00:00:23,815 --> 00:00:24,900 - Rat! - Oh, where? 7 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,276 Ooh! Ooh! 8 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,626 We come bearing gifts. 9 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:43,794 - Oh. Wow. - Hi. 10 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,629 - I see that. - Hi, pretty. 11 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,426 Oh, look at that... look at that view. 12 00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,387 That's gorgeous. 13 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,016 You know I can't accept bribes. 14 00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,309 - Bribes? I don't see bribes. - Bribes? 15 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:00,978 Oh, no, this... 16 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,646 I just have low blood sugar. - It's like a hostess- 17 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:04,147 - I wanted to grab some fruit. No, I went to a bodega. 18 00:01:04,188 --> 00:01:06,441 Uh... 19 00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,652 Well, I... I heard that you were understandably 20 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:10,904 less than pleased that I announced 21 00:01:10,988 --> 00:01:13,657 I was doing a show at your esteemed venue 22 00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:15,284 before I had actually booked it. 23 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,035 And I just wanted to come in person and apologize 24 00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:19,329 and say I cannot wait to work together. 25 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,707 - You're right. I was very pissed off. 26 00:01:21,789 --> 00:01:24,334 Because that is not how things work around here. 27 00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,961 No. I... I'm sorry. 28 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,295 And if you had come to me, 29 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:28,547 I would have told you that 30 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,924 I don't think you're right for MSG. 31 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,468 I think you're right for Radio City. 32 00:01:33,551 --> 00:01:35,637 I think you're right for Webster Hall. 33 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,765 Ha! I know this bitch didn't just say Webster Hall. 34 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:39,850 Oh, OK. 35 00:01:39,890 --> 00:01:42,352 I can tell you're a whole deal. 36 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,938 She is, but we do feel very strongly that the Garden 37 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,024 is the best venue for someone of Deborah's stature. 38 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,358 Mm-kay. 39 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,360 The talk show was great, 40 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:52,487 but you don't have the comps. 41 00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:53,905 You haven't toured in years. 42 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,824 You barely have any social media presence. 43 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,243 It's just... it's too much of a gamble. 44 00:01:58,327 --> 00:01:59,953 I will sell out. 45 00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,706 And even if I don't, what does it matter to you? 46 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,041 I mean, we will front the rental costs. 47 00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,208 You'll be off the hook. 48 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,710 It's not just about the money. 49 00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,878 If you are playing MSG, 50 00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:11,048 you are the center of cultural conversation. 51 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,883 I mean, our venue is a major part 52 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,176 of New York City's history. 53 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,969 We can't just let anyone perform here. 54 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,888 - I'm sorry... isn't there a live 55 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,681 true crime podcast playing tonight? 56 00:02:19,765 --> 00:02:21,058 "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 57 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,226 has over 90 million monthly listeners. 58 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:26,897 It is hosted by two of the most popular people in America. 59 00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,191 They swayed the presidential election. 60 00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:30,734 You know, I think you might be underestimating 61 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,694 Deborah's fans, because they are rabid. 62 00:02:32,778 --> 00:02:34,154 They abducted me once. 63 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,489 I got free, but I didn't call the cops, 64 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:37,199 because they are so sweet. 65 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,410 My point is, they're enthusiastic, 66 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,745 and these tickets are gonna sell. 67 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,038 I just don't see it. 68 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:44,665 This won't be just a stand-up show. 69 00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,249 This will be historic. 70 00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:48,793 I'm taking down Bob Lipka and his censorship of me 71 00:02:48,877 --> 00:02:50,253 and speaking truth to power. 72 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:52,422 This is bigger than just me. 73 00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,549 I'm sorry, Deborah. 74 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:55,926 I am so sorry. 75 00:02:55,966 --> 00:02:58,095 I... I should not have wasted your time 76 00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:01,682 with this petty gifting business. 77 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,102 How do two shares of Berkshire Hathaway class A stock sound? 78 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,187 Thank you so much for coming by. 79 00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:09,106 - Absolutely. Thanks. Thank you. 80 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:10,107 We'll leave these with your assistant. 81 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,942 Thanks for your time. 82 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,694 Have a nice day, I guess. 83 00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,364 That MSG booker is dumb. 84 00:03:17,447 --> 00:03:18,740 And her leather jacket was stupid. 85 00:03:18,824 --> 00:03:19,991 No, it was full-grain leather 86 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,284 in a sophisticated cut. 87 00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:22,327 Fine, she's rich, cool, 88 00:03:22,411 --> 00:03:23,787 and ruining our lives. 89 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,956 Look, we just need to reignite the base. 90 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:28,125 The Little Debbies would help me with anything. 91 00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,793 Do you remember '93? 92 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,503 They started that hunger strike so I could get reinstated 93 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,130 as the spokesperson for SnackWell's? 94 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,756 Or when they crashed the Eileen Fisher website 95 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:35,882 the day your cashmere dusters dropped? 96 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,134 Yeah, exactly. 97 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:38,135 What about that autograph convention 98 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:39,469 in Vegas you passed on? 99 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:40,804 The Little Debbies will love that. 100 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,555 You are a genius! All right. 101 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,599 We get my biggest fans together in one place, 102 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,309 I shower them with love and affection, 103 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:48,061 and then we ask them to organize 104 00:03:48,145 --> 00:03:51,523 a grassroots movement to get me Madison Square Garden. 105 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:53,442 When is it? - Three weeks, the 21st. 106 00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,860 That... that's Ava's birthday. 107 00:03:54,942 --> 00:03:56,361 - It's fine. - Are there any other options? 108 00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:57,821 - No. - No, no, no, I... 109 00:03:57,863 --> 00:03:58,989 honestly, I don't care about my birthday. 110 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,366 I really don't. 111 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:03,618 You have to at least take the day off. 112 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,036 And hang out with who? 113 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,913 I only have one friend, remember? 114 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,999 What are you talking about? 115 00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,584 You remember the last night in Singapore? 116 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,461 You said it was weird you were my only friend? 117 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:15,839 You probably don't remember. You were pretty drunk, girl. 118 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,591 It's fine. Don't worry. 119 00:04:17,673 --> 00:04:19,176 I didn't survive growing up in Massachusetts 120 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,887 by letting a drunk person's insults affect me. 121 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,680 Seriously, you should do it. 122 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,348 So should I book it, or... 123 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:27,017 - Yeah. - Yeah. 124 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,769 Here, Jimmy, get the shot. 125 00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,524 Perfect. - Wha... 126 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,193 That's what we've been waiting for? 127 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:37,360 Yeah, for content. 128 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:38,487 - God! - You need to chill. 129 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:39,988 Uh, she wanted content. 130 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,925 Good morning, my favorite ladies and Damien. 131 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,593 So we've talked to the organizers, 132 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:02,928 slipped them a hundo, and guess what. 133 00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:04,054 They moved Heather Locklear 134 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,388 to the other side of the building. 135 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,890 Good. 136 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,391 She's still my exact shade of blonde in '98. 137 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,726 And look, I know you want to be out by 3:00, 138 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,394 so I'm gonna talk to Billy Baldwin and see 139 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,146 if he'll give you his time slot in the photo studio. 140 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,564 Perfect, yeah, I don't want to be here too late. 141 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,024 OK. I'm gonna head to the table. 142 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,484 - All right. See you over there. 143 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,903 And you. 144 00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:21,154 Happy birthday, birthday girl. 145 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:22,364 Thank you. Oh! 146 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:23,698 - Tickling you. - Oh, thanks. 147 00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,200 I know we normally get you a gift, 148 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,910 but we are a little low on funds this year. 149 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:28,119 I'm sorry about that. - Don't even worry about it. 150 00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,454 Oh, my God, I finished 151 00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:30,580 your "Mall Girl" script last night. 152 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,749 Ava, it is so good. - Mm-hmm. 153 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,876 - Oh! - Yeah, I laughed, I cried. 154 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,586 It's like, it's emotional and cinematic. 155 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,588 It's really special, and I can't wait to send it around. 156 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,006 - Oh, my God. Amazing. Thank you. 157 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,424 I'm proud of you. 158 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,176 - Oh. - Coffee, birthday girl? 159 00:05:43,260 --> 00:05:46,012 - Wow. - This is a really fancy tray. 160 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,598 - Had it custom-made... heaters built in, 161 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,268 USB charging, patent pending. 162 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,103 You're a really good assistant. 163 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,605 You know, in Hollywood, it's not about good or bad. 164 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,649 It's about power. 165 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,442 Nice watch. 166 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,490 Oh, honey, I would love to sign this, 167 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:06,950 but I can't legally. 168 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,286 I love you guys. 169 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,412 Mwah! 170 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:13,415 There they are. 171 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,958 They're probably foaming at the mouth. 172 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:16,585 Hey, my Little Debbies! 173 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:23,842 Hi. 174 00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:27,095 Hello. 175 00:06:28,263 --> 00:06:29,639 Oh, wow! 176 00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,474 The DV Industries Swiss Army knife. 177 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,143 It's got it all. It's got the tweezers. 178 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,978 It's got the brow spoolie. 179 00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:37,689 I mean, come on, who could ask for more than that? 180 00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,357 Very rare item. 181 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,318 Actually, it's widely available on the internet... 182 00:06:41,359 --> 00:06:42,569 which you'd know if you were still active 183 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:44,154 on the DV message boards. 184 00:06:44,195 --> 00:06:46,072 - Um, how would you... how would you like me to... 185 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,490 Just your name, please. 186 00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:48,617 OK. 187 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,623 It's great to see you. 188 00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:58,001 Hey. How's it going? 189 00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,669 Oddly icy. 190 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,005 Well, I just met the actor who gave Dawson a blowjob 191 00:07:02,047 --> 00:07:03,340 on the boat in season three, 192 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,966 so I'm feeling starstruck and amazing. 193 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:06,217 One autograph. 194 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,511 Hi, there. Hi. 195 00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:10,055 - Hi. - Oh, hey. 196 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,848 Sorry, I think the line starts back there. 197 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,267 - Oh, no. I'm actually here for you. 198 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,186 I am a huge fan. 199 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:18,021 Of... of me? 200 00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:19,189 Yeah. 201 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,607 I was obsessed with "Girl Town," 202 00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,192 and you always wrote the best episodes. 203 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:24,945 - Oh, my God. I left college for that job. 204 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,279 I know. 205 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,114 And then I followed you on Twitter. 206 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,532 Even now, I'll just randomly look up 207 00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:30,533 your old tweets sometimes. 208 00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:32,869 Oh, no, don't do that. 209 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,704 Anyway, then I saw "My Bad" 210 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,748 because I heard that you'd worked on it. 211 00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:38,166 Yeah. 212 00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:40,043 I'd never even seen Deborah before. 213 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:41,586 I mean... It's kind of crazy how 214 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,214 you've changed the whole trajectory of her career. 215 00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,216 She's mad lucky to have you. 216 00:07:46,257 --> 00:07:47,384 I wish you said that 217 00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:49,052 a little louder, but thank you. 218 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,721 Will you sign your "Times" magazine cover? 219 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,475 Yes, I... I've never... 220 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,560 never signed anything for anyone before. 221 00:07:57,644 --> 00:07:59,562 Wow. This is amazing. 222 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:01,606 I really now understand why parasocial relationships 223 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:02,941 are replacing real ones. 224 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,610 But seriously, thank you 225 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,946 for all that you contribute to society. 226 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:11,157 Anytime. 227 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,870 I'll catch you around. 228 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,038 Yeah, I'll be around all day. 229 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,415 Coolie. 230 00:08:18,456 --> 00:08:21,084 Coolie. Coolie. 231 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,086 I can't tell you how sorry I am. 232 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,087 Please. It's on me. 233 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:25,547 Thank you. Thanks. 234 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:26,756 Thanks for coming. 235 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,425 - Ticket. - Oh, Ezekiel. 236 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,926 How nice to see a familiar face. 237 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,302 What can I sign for you? 238 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,429 I've actually signed something for you. 239 00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:35,306 It's my resignation letter as president 240 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:37,767 of the Deborah Vance Fan Club, Southwest Branch. 241 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,769 - But Ezekiel, you... you've been a pillar 242 00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,770 of the Little Debbie community for years! 243 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,732 I heard that Kathy Griffin is looking for an infusion 244 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:46,776 into her base, so I am taking my talents elsewhere. 245 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,320 - OK. OK, what... what is going on? 246 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:50,780 What is the problem? 247 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,782 The problem is that you went Hollywood. 248 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,910 I did not go Hollywood! 249 00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,287 Yes, you did. 250 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,621 You haven't sent out Deborah's Dos and Don'ts 251 00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,123 in almost two years. 252 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:01,666 I don't know what to do and what not to do. 253 00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,585 Sometimes I just sit in the dark. 254 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:04,961 - Yeah! - Yeah! 255 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,547 You discontinued your car insurance plan! 256 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,466 And now I'm uninsured. - Yeah! 257 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,926 Oh, honey, you gotta have insurance. 258 00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,095 And you discontinued the Deborah Vance red light mask. 259 00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:16,473 I liked the burns! It eventually turned to tan. 260 00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:17,640 - Yeah! - Yeah! 261 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:18,808 You won't admit you're a lizard! 262 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,772 Hey, get into a single-file line, 263 00:09:23,855 --> 00:09:25,148 or you will be tased! 264 00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,733 Do not fuck with me! 265 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,280 You should address the lizard thing. 266 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,948 It's gaining traction. 267 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,826 Who's next? 268 00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,036 And you really don't mind switching with Deborah? 269 00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,204 Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. 270 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,206 That rant she did against Lipka? 271 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:43,165 Gold, legend. 272 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,959 Guy's a freaking animal. - Tell me about it. 273 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,337 Well, she always invites me to her Fourth of July party. 274 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,465 I never go, but the invite's always nice. 275 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:51,841 Well, you're gonna be on the list forever, man. 276 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:53,176 We appreciate you. 277 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:54,969 Never too big, Jimmy. 278 00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,806 Never too big. - My man. All right. 279 00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:00,350 OK, now that's a guy I could be friends with... I love him. 280 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,018 Exactly what I like to hear from you, boss, 281 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:03,686 because I do not want to see you fall prey 282 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,688 to the male loneliness epidemic. 283 00:10:05,730 --> 00:10:07,148 - No. - I know. It's terrible. 284 00:10:07,232 --> 00:10:09,192 My Uncle Maury shot himself in the head. 285 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:10,860 It's Renee O'Connor. 286 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,153 Who's that? 287 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:13,279 From "Xena: Warrior Princess," 288 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:14,948 the show... the show on The WB. 289 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,366 - Oh, TV show. - Yeah. 290 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:17,867 I haven't made it to TV yet. 291 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,328 I'm still making it through all the movies. 292 00:10:20,411 --> 00:10:22,288 - She's Xena? - No, that's Gabrielle. 293 00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,624 That's Xena's battle partner, her confidant. 294 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,793 She's a traveling bard. - Well, you gotta go say hi. 295 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:28,294 - Hell, no. I would be so nervous. 296 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:29,963 I... I would faint. No, I couldn't. 297 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,631 I mean, I've seen every episode multiple times. 298 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,174 I even still have a recurring dream 299 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:35,051 that I'm helping Xena save Prometheus 300 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,761 so that humans don't lose their capacity for healing and fire. 301 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,429 Jimmy, you're meeting her. 302 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,848 You'll regret it if you don't. Come on. 303 00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:41,850 - You think? - I know so. 304 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,184 OK. OK. 305 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:44,352 God, I wish I had a beta blocker. 306 00:10:44,435 --> 00:10:45,395 - Ah. - All right, let's go. 307 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,272 Whoo! 308 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:48,690 So are you working on anything else, 309 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:50,441 other than writing for Deborah? 310 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,901 Yeah, yeah, I actually just wrote a movie 311 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,695 about a girl who lives at the mall, so... 312 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,697 Oh! Such a good idea. 313 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,740 Got my tickets. I am "saur" sat. 314 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,617 You are so sweet. 315 00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,870 Shit, wait, this is just occurring to me. 316 00:11:01,953 --> 00:11:03,580 Are you gonna have to leave Deborah? 317 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,373 No, no. I mean, 318 00:11:05,415 --> 00:11:06,833 especially not after what she did for me 319 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:08,293 at "Late Night." - Mm. 320 00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:13,923 So what's your, like, dream? 321 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:15,592 You know, I've always wanted to create my own show. 322 00:11:15,633 --> 00:11:16,926 Oh. 323 00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,845 I was voted Most Likely to Showrun 324 00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,430 in my high school yearbook. 325 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,016 I mean, I did create the superlative, but still. 326 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,018 I really hope this isn't weird that I know this, 327 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,520 but, um, it's your birthday today, right? 328 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,731 Yeah. Yes, it is. 329 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,108 And you're turning 30, right? 330 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,568 - Yeah. - Poof! 331 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:35,612 Pretty big milestone. 332 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,197 Are you, like, freaking out about 333 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,323 where you're at in your life? 334 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,991 No, not... I mean, no, 335 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:41,451 not really, I don't think. 336 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,453 Should I? No. No! I'm not. 337 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,831 Well, I'd love to get you something for your birthday, 338 00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,124 like a cupcake or... 339 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:50,001 You don't have to. 340 00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,295 But if they have chocolate cake, I'd take chocolate icing. 341 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,963 Or if they have vanilla cake, 342 00:11:54,005 --> 00:11:55,798 I still would want chocolate icing. 343 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,175 But if Funfetti is in the mix, of course... 344 00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,593 They just have corn muffins. 345 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:00,261 Perfect. 346 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,639 - It's your day. - Whoo! 347 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,474 Why are you performing only at Madison Square Garden 348 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,850 and not Portsmouth, New Hampshire? 349 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,268 I mean, we are important too. 350 00:12:07,352 --> 00:12:09,145 We built the Revolutionary War fleet. 351 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,314 And we so appreciate that. 352 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,650 You stopped doing your annual Christmas conference call. 353 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,902 Now, how we supposed to sync up on micro-theme? 354 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,404 You never published another book of Debokus, 355 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:21,241 and the regular sudokus are just too hard. 356 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,617 I'm mad you left QVC. 357 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,661 And I'm mad you didn't leave QVC earlier. 358 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:26,996 Work it out. 359 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:28,456 I miss Marcus. 360 00:12:28,539 --> 00:12:30,667 Damien never sends us locks of your hair. 361 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,337 You didn't endorse a candidate 362 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,298 in the presidential election, so I didn't vote. 363 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:38,967 And now my kids won't talk to me. 364 00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:40,551 I sent you two suspicious packages 365 00:12:40,635 --> 00:12:43,179 and didn't even receive a cease-and-desist letter. 366 00:12:43,221 --> 00:12:44,180 You used to care. 367 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,181 OK, that's it! 368 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,182 I need a break. 369 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,392 10-minute break. 370 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:52,188 These people are impossible to please. 371 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,648 I mean, my fans seem to think I owe them 372 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:55,358 every single moment of my life. 373 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,651 Think of it this way. 374 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,528 Today, you are being paid to be yelled at. 375 00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,530 For some people, that's a kink. 376 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,909 - Oh, yeah. This is classic Gabby, yeah. 377 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:07,370 Oh, she looks the exact same. 378 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,830 Did you know it was actually the fans 379 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,873 that saw Xena as a guest character on "Hercules," 380 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,542 and they were so enthusiastic 381 00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:14,335 that they actually helped get the spin-off series made? 382 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,005 Grassroots movements are always so inspiring. 383 00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,465 That is, until they turn bloodthirsty. 384 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,800 - Next! - It's us. 385 00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:22,677 - Here we go. Here we go. - We paid. 386 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,304 - Hi. I'm Renee. - Oh, I'm Renee... 387 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,555 um, you're Renee. - Yeah, I'm Renee. 388 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,723 - You're Renee. - I am Renee. 389 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:28,016 - I'm Jimmy. - You're Jimmy. 390 00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,392 - I am so starstruck. - It's OK. 391 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,144 - I'm so sorry. This is weird because... 392 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,521 so, OK, I'm a manager in LA, so I never get starstruck. 393 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,148 But I... I think that you are such a talent, and... 394 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,399 Oh. 395 00:13:36,482 --> 00:13:37,900 The series meant so much to me. 396 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,902 I was so lucky to be a part of that world. 397 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:41,571 Have you ever thought about doing a rewatch podcast? 398 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,197 You know, they're really big right now, 399 00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,574 where you go through old episodes and discuss them? 400 00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:45,783 I don't think enough people 401 00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:47,035 want to hear me talk about that. 402 00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:48,119 - Girl, shut up! - Are you kidding? 403 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,120 - We love the show! - No. 404 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:50,413 We've watched it all. 405 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:51,581 People would love that content. 406 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,249 Like, the Hope storyline, you know? 407 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,043 When did you realize your daughter was gonna be evil? 408 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,086 Was it from the beginning, or did it slowly dawn on you? 409 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,880 Well, her father was a wicked demigod, 410 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,381 so it kind of tipped it off for me. 411 00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,758 Right. 412 00:14:01,799 --> 00:14:03,092 Mysteriously impregnated at a demon ritual? 413 00:14:03,134 --> 00:14:04,260 I was like, that's gonna come back. 414 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:05,762 - It did. - Yeah. 415 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:07,138 Do you mind if we get a photo? 416 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:08,639 Of course. 417 00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,058 - I'm sorry. I'm sweating. - I'm... 418 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,267 It's OK. 419 00:14:11,309 --> 00:14:12,560 - Yay. - Ah! 420 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,020 Smile big! - Yay. Yay. 421 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,772 Bigger! Ah, cuties! 422 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:17,273 - Not that big. Not that big. 423 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,025 - Split the difference. Split the difference. 424 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:20,943 Maybe I should just start over and get all new fans. 425 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,570 I mean, there are people born every day, right? 426 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:23,905 I gotta tell you, I mean, 427 00:14:23,988 --> 00:14:25,281 as someone who just got their first fan, 428 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,783 you really need to cherish these moments. 429 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,201 It's been 12 minutes, and I said 10. 430 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,744 Oh! 431 00:14:29,827 --> 00:14:31,412 OK, hey, just try to keep it together. 432 00:14:31,496 --> 00:14:32,747 All right? 433 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,374 No promises. 434 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,583 OK. 435 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,045 - Hello. How can I do better for you? 436 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,298 - Oh, no. I just wanted to say thank you. 437 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,966 Oh. 438 00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:45,802 You're... you're welcome. For what? 439 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,804 Well, my mom and I have been, like, 440 00:14:47,887 --> 00:14:51,140 huge fans of yours ever since "Live Free or Diet," 441 00:14:51,182 --> 00:14:54,143 and we came to Vegas, and we saw you at the Palmetto. 442 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,645 And then we were, like... 443 00:14:55,686 --> 00:14:58,314 Literally quoting your jokes for 10 hours 444 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,483 the entire car ride home. 445 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,318 It was, like, the best weekend. 446 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:04,153 - Oh, I'm so glad. Thank you. 447 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:08,408 Anyway, we made you something to say thank you. 448 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,662 It's you, Barry, and Cara. 449 00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,872 Wow. 450 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,499 And we made this completely out of 451 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,000 natural seeds and grains. 452 00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:19,627 29 types. 453 00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:22,130 - Whew! - We were sorting yellow peas 454 00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,006 for an entire winter just to nail 455 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:26,467 your light honey blonde. 456 00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:27,677 It's gotten a little warped 457 00:15:27,718 --> 00:15:29,137 because we made it three years ago, 458 00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:31,013 but you haven't been to any of these, so we... 459 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:33,808 we couldn't get it to you, but here you go. 460 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,146 It's beautiful. 461 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,273 It's beautiful. 462 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:42,525 Is your mom here so I can thank her? 463 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:44,610 Oh, no. 464 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,488 She passed in May. 465 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:50,366 I'm... I'm so sorry, honey. 466 00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:51,367 Thank you. 467 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:52,869 She would be so happy 468 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:54,996 that I was finally able to get this to you. 469 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:57,582 She really loved you. 470 00:15:58,665 --> 00:15:59,709 Thank you. 471 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,378 Thank you. 472 00:16:08,092 --> 00:16:10,261 I... I need a minute. 473 00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:13,097 It... it's OK. 474 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,974 Damien, it's OK. 475 00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:21,522 - Ugh. - Oh, man. 476 00:16:31,741 --> 00:16:34,035 Oh, yeah. Been there. 477 00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,746 It's carpal tunnel. You need one of these. 478 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:38,206 No. It's not that. 479 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,083 It's... this. 480 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,543 Ah. 481 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,755 Fan art so ugly, it moves you to tears? 482 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:47,215 Something like that. 483 00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,175 I once had a guy paint a portrait of me 484 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,802 using a stamp pad and his anus. 485 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,097 It's framed in my bathroom. 486 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:56,432 No, it's not that it's ugly. 487 00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:58,893 I mean, it is. 488 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,103 But it's just that this... 489 00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:04,440 this woman and her mother 490 00:17:04,523 --> 00:17:07,276 spent months of their lives making this. 491 00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:09,278 Oh, yeah, but so what? 492 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:10,988 They love doing it. 493 00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,782 They support us, we show up for them. 494 00:17:13,866 --> 00:17:16,452 That's the frickin' deal, mama. 495 00:17:16,493 --> 00:17:18,119 Well, that's the thing. 496 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,330 I haven't been showing up for them. 497 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:23,459 And they're very mad at me for it. 498 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,252 They'll forgive you. 499 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,464 I don't deserve it. 500 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:30,132 I just came here to exploit them 501 00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:31,551 because I need their help. 502 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:33,469 Ah. 503 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:37,306 Well, just tell them what you need. 504 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:39,642 They want to feel like they're in a relationship with you 505 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,144 and that you need them more than anyone else, 506 00:17:42,186 --> 00:17:44,730 and it sounds like you might. 507 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:48,067 The truth will set you free, baby doll. 508 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,694 That's all they want. 509 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,534 That, and a T-shirt 510 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,412 that only some people are allowed to get. 511 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:16,387 Um, Little... Little Debbies. 512 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:19,307 Uh... uh, I have news. 513 00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:22,810 Madison Square Garden won't give me a date 514 00:18:22,893 --> 00:18:24,687 because they say I'm not big enough to play it. 515 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,022 What? 516 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,984 So I came here to get you 517 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,194 to rally for me, 518 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,322 which is unfair, 519 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,533 because you're right. 520 00:18:37,575 --> 00:18:39,243 I have neglected you. 521 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:44,123 And I am so sorry. 522 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:45,541 Hold on, they're saying 523 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:47,335 you're not big enough to play MSG? 524 00:18:47,418 --> 00:18:48,628 Fuck that! 525 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:50,796 The Garden would be lucky to have you. 526 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,715 - Yeah! - Thank you. 527 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:55,676 Well, in time, I hope that I can regain your trust. 528 00:18:55,718 --> 00:18:58,054 They don't get to tell you what you can and can't do! 529 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,889 That's our job! - Yeah 530 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:01,891 You're the greatest comedian of all time. 531 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,017 - Yes! - Yeah! 532 00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:04,685 So the Knicks can play MSG, 533 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,562 but not Deborah Vance? 534 00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,439 Misogynistic bullshit! - Yes! 535 00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,441 I don't care if you are a lizard. 536 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,276 You deserve to play MSG! 537 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,196 As president of the Little Debbies 538 00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:17,531 Tucson chapter, this will not stand. 539 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,200 Wait, sorry, sorry. 540 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,077 I thought you were my fan. 541 00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,745 - What are you talking about? That's Cindy. 542 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,121 She's a third-generation Little Debbie. 543 00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,414 That's right. 544 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:26,999 I'm here for Deborah. 545 00:19:27,083 --> 00:19:28,834 I just wanted to replace you and write for her, 546 00:19:28,918 --> 00:19:30,378 you stupid bitch! 547 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,004 Oh, my God. 548 00:19:32,088 --> 00:19:33,339 Well... 549 00:19:33,422 --> 00:19:34,840 So you didn't like any of my tweets? 550 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:36,926 - They're not jokes. They're thought poems! 551 00:19:37,009 --> 00:19:38,386 OK. 552 00:19:38,427 --> 00:19:40,221 Deborah, who do we talk to about this? 553 00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,555 - Yeah. - Yeah. 554 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:46,435 AmandaWeinberg@ msg-entertainment.com, 555 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:51,273 1 Madison Square Garden Plaza, Suite 3H. 556 00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:54,026 Deborah, we will get you that motherfucking venue. 557 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,569 That's a promise. 558 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,279 Yeah, well, if you can do that, 559 00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:00,616 I'm making the tickets $20, so you all can come! 560 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:02,451 And you know what? 561 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:03,953 I'm bringing back Deborah Plus. 562 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:06,288 And you know what else? 563 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,790 This year's Christmas theme 564 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:09,792 is fuchsia and cherry... 565 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,128 the 1997 redux! 566 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,968 Deborah, Deborah, Deborah! 567 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,428 - Good, actually... I didn't think it would be, 568 00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:21,804 but the macchiato... why? - Made me sick. 569 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,305 - Jimmy. - The macchiato is really good. 570 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:24,974 - Jimmy! Jimmy! - Oh, Renee. 571 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,434 Hey. - Yeah. 572 00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:28,310 You know, I want to thank you for your advice. 573 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,812 I reached out to Lucy, 574 00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,148 and she loves the "Xena" rewatch podcast idea. 575 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:34,275 - Lucy Lawless knows my idea? - Yeah. 576 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,568 Well, you know, it's really nice 577 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:36,736 to talk about business with someone 578 00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:38,404 who is familiar with my work. 579 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:40,656 I never had a rep pitch me any ideas, 580 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,158 much less actually watch the whole show. 581 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,492 - What? People... - Pathetic. 582 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:44,660 - People are insane. People are sick. 583 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,828 People are sick. I don't get it. 584 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:47,621 - Sick people. - Pieces of shit. 585 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,790 I'm sure your roster is crowded, but, um, 586 00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,501 would you ever consider representing me? 587 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,253 - Us? - Yes! 588 00:20:54,336 --> 00:20:55,671 - Absolutely. - All right. 589 00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,256 Well, then, I mean, 590 00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:58,674 I probably should give you, you know, 591 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:00,217 10% of what I made today. 592 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,844 No, no, no, that's not necessary, but thank you. 593 00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:03,345 Are you OK with hundreds? 594 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,889 - Uh... - Yes! 595 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,015 - Love them. I will take those. - We are. We are. 596 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,475 - Thank you. - Wow. 597 00:21:07,558 --> 00:21:08,809 - No, this is... this is... - Could use the money. 598 00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:10,352 OK, well, this was amazing. 599 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,646 Consider yourself a client of Schaefer & LuSaque. 600 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:13,689 Yeah, let me put you on an email 601 00:21:13,731 --> 00:21:15,191 with Lucy and I next week? 602 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,567 When you're back in LA, we'll take you to dinner. 603 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,319 You like Greek? - I love Greek. 604 00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:20,196 I don't eat octopus, though, anymore. 605 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,156 - They're too intelligent. - That's right. 606 00:21:26,577 --> 00:21:29,163 Erik Estrada looked amazing. 607 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,206 Surprise! 608 00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:32,708 Oh, my God. 609 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:35,878 Oh, my God. 610 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:36,962 What a surprise. 611 00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:39,673 This is crazy! 612 00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:41,217 We love you, girl. 613 00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:42,802 Thank you. - Ah. 614 00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:44,678 Happy birthday, love. 615 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:48,349 - Hi, Mom. - Happy birthday, honey. 616 00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:49,725 Look who's here. 617 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:51,227 Oh, wow. Hi! 618 00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:52,728 - Hi! - Jenny Reagan. 619 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:54,021 It's me. Yup, hey. 620 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,148 How are you? Nice to see you. 621 00:21:56,232 --> 00:21:57,566 Hi. It's so nice to see you. 622 00:21:57,650 --> 00:21:59,193 - Uh-huh. - It's been forever. 623 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:01,570 - Eighth grade graduation. - How could I forget? 624 00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:03,697 Yeah, when Deborah called, I told her how inseparable 625 00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:06,200 you two were and how it would mean the world to you 626 00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,910 to be together on your 30th. 627 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:09,370 So here we all are. - Absolutely. 628 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,038 - Yup, yup, yup. - How are you? 629 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:12,081 - Look at you two. - Amazing. 630 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,207 - Yeah. - Yeah. 631 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,458 I married Greg Holland. 632 00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:16,252 Remember him? 633 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:17,419 Um... 634 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:18,629 He ran through a glass door. 635 00:22:18,712 --> 00:22:19,922 His cousin drowned in the quarry. 636 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:21,298 Oh, yes, Greg! 637 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:22,383 He used to put girls in his hockey bag. 638 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:23,592 Him. Anyway, 639 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:24,593 we have four kids under six. 640 00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:25,761 - Whoa! - Yep. 641 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:26,929 - Whoa! - Yep, all natural. 642 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,722 Oh, my... good for you. 643 00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:30,266 Anyway, needless to say, I am thrilled to be here. 644 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,642 - Yeah, I bet. - Oh, I should tell you, 645 00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:32,726 Mr. Murch just died. 646 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:33,936 Oh, that's so sad. 647 00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:35,020 No, it's not. 648 00:22:35,104 --> 00:22:36,063 He was a pedophile, 649 00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:37,690 convicted multiple times over. 650 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:40,401 Let's party! - OK! 651 00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:41,527 Come on! 652 00:22:44,113 --> 00:22:45,030 Oh... 653 00:22:45,114 --> 00:22:46,615 Oh, my God! 654 00:22:46,657 --> 00:22:50,369 And we got just a few of your favorite things. 655 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:52,204 The entire Jack in the Box menu. 656 00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,789 Cranberry kombucha. 657 00:22:53,873 --> 00:22:55,791 Oh, yes, cupcakes from a queer bakery. 658 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,042 Oh. 659 00:22:57,126 --> 00:22:58,085 - And of course... - Oh, my God. 660 00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,378 Bertucci's rolls 661 00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,255 and Papa Gino Papa Melts? 662 00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:02,631 I had them flown in this morning. 663 00:23:02,673 --> 00:23:04,008 I missed these rolls. 664 00:23:08,846 --> 00:23:10,681 The spray cleans the screen 665 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,767 while the brush wipes the crumbs from the keyboard. 666 00:23:13,851 --> 00:23:15,144 Thank you so much. 667 00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:17,021 - Please use it. - I will. Sorry. 668 00:23:18,105 --> 00:23:19,273 Ladies and gentlemen, 669 00:23:19,356 --> 00:23:21,358 we have one last surprise. 670 00:23:21,442 --> 00:23:25,362 Please give a warm welcome to Jesse McCartney. 671 00:23:27,907 --> 00:23:29,241 Yes, bitch! 672 00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,162 This one goes out to the most special girl 673 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:35,289 in the world... you know who you are. 674 00:23:35,372 --> 00:23:38,083 - It... it's me. - Happy birthday. 675 00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:39,835 I wrote about this in my middle school journal, 676 00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:41,253 and it's... it's coming true. 677 00:23:41,337 --> 00:23:43,631 - I know! I... I read your journals. 678 00:23:43,714 --> 00:23:45,966 That's why... that's why he's here. 679 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,562 OK, I'm sleeping in late tomorrow. 680 00:24:40,646 --> 00:24:42,564 You can ball your own cantaloupe. 681 00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:44,316 Good night. - Good night! 682 00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:45,567 Well, you know what? 683 00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:46,860 I... I'm gonna say good night now too. 684 00:24:46,944 --> 00:24:48,821 I have a 4:15 a.m. flight 685 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:50,406 to Papeete to see my boyfriend 686 00:24:50,489 --> 00:24:52,741 in the Senior World Windsurfing Competition. 687 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,201 I'm sorry, you have a boyfriend? 688 00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:55,202 Well, I emailed you about him. 689 00:24:55,285 --> 00:24:56,370 I emailed her. 690 00:24:56,453 --> 00:24:57,997 Uh, no, I don't think you did. 691 00:24:58,080 --> 00:24:59,581 Well, I'm seeing someone, Ava. 692 00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:02,084 And it's become physical, the first since your father. 693 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:04,253 Well, depends what you count. 694 00:25:04,336 --> 00:25:05,713 Oh, God. 695 00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:06,755 - Uh, well, I love you. - OK. 696 00:25:06,797 --> 00:25:07,965 - Bye. - Mwah. 697 00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,258 - Mwah. Good night. - Love you. 698 00:25:09,299 --> 00:25:10,259 Good night. Bye. 699 00:25:10,342 --> 00:25:11,468 Awesome. 700 00:25:13,137 --> 00:25:14,388 Well... 701 00:25:14,471 --> 00:25:15,431 Oh, my God. 702 00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:16,932 That was a successful party. 703 00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:18,434 Yeah. 704 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:21,770 You had so many friends who showed up for you. 705 00:25:21,812 --> 00:25:23,272 And that Jenny, you know, 706 00:25:23,313 --> 00:25:24,773 the one who drank vodka 707 00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:26,942 out of one of my really nice wine glasses? 708 00:25:27,026 --> 00:25:29,945 Yes, Jenny Reagan, the girl I only befriended 709 00:25:30,029 --> 00:25:31,739 so that I could play with her hermit crabs. 710 00:25:31,822 --> 00:25:33,073 And then she stopped being my friend 711 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,658 when she got her period before me. 712 00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:37,619 Oh, well... 713 00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:39,079 - friend's a friend. - Yeah. 714 00:25:39,163 --> 00:25:40,998 And you had a lot of them here. 715 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:46,587 Deborah, 716 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:48,297 did you only throw me this party 'cause you feel bad 717 00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,549 about what you said on the boat in Singapore? 718 00:25:50,632 --> 00:25:52,885 No. 719 00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,553 I mean, it's your birthday! 720 00:25:54,636 --> 00:25:56,096 You deserve a party, a birthday party. 721 00:25:56,180 --> 00:25:57,431 Wow. 722 00:25:57,514 --> 00:25:58,557 Did you ever hear of one of those? 723 00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:00,309 Guilt looks good on you. 724 00:26:00,350 --> 00:26:03,312 Deborah, you don't have to feel guilty about that. 725 00:26:03,353 --> 00:26:05,773 You're not wrong. 726 00:26:05,856 --> 00:26:08,192 You are my only friend. 727 00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:11,361 What hurt me was that you said it was weird, 728 00:26:11,445 --> 00:26:12,780 'cause I don't think it is. 729 00:26:15,199 --> 00:26:18,327 - You know, I think you're... you're the reason that I... 730 00:26:18,410 --> 00:26:20,871 haven't been there for the Little Debbies. 731 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:23,999 You know, I... I used to spend so much time with my fans, 732 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:26,543 but it wasn't for them. 733 00:26:26,627 --> 00:26:28,879 It was for me. 734 00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:31,423 I... I mean, they were my friends. 735 00:26:32,966 --> 00:26:34,843 Because I never really had any. 736 00:26:34,927 --> 00:26:37,346 - Yes, you did. You had friends. 737 00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:39,139 You've always had friends. You have tons of friends. 738 00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,140 No. 739 00:26:40,224 --> 00:26:43,936 I was popular... 740 00:26:44,019 --> 00:26:46,939 but I never had a... a best friend. 741 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:51,026 Well, I mean, you know, my... 742 00:26:51,110 --> 00:26:55,197 my sister, you know, we know how that went. 743 00:26:55,239 --> 00:26:58,367 So I just relied more and more on the Little Debbies, 744 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:01,370 and it was as much for me 745 00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:03,080 as it was for them. 746 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:05,916 But then I met you. 747 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:12,548 And I didn't need them so much anymore. 748 00:27:12,589 --> 00:27:15,509 Well, makes sense. 749 00:27:15,592 --> 00:27:17,511 I'm your number one fan. 750 00:27:19,304 --> 00:27:21,223 Hey. Oh, oh, oh. 751 00:27:21,306 --> 00:27:23,559 Oh, you've got 50 minutes left on your birthday. 752 00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,060 What do you want to do? 753 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:27,479 Hmm. 754 00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:29,857 Oh. 755 00:27:32,442 --> 00:27:34,695 And that's my new phone background. 756 00:27:34,778 --> 00:27:37,406 - Ooh! Someone's smoking the cheech. 757 00:27:37,447 --> 00:27:38,407 P-U! 758 00:27:38,448 --> 00:27:39,700 You're still here. 759 00:27:39,783 --> 00:27:41,410 Oh, yeah. 760 00:27:41,493 --> 00:27:43,453 I just fucked Jesse McCartney. 761 00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:45,038 - What? - Yeah! 762 00:27:45,122 --> 00:27:46,498 You cheated on Greg? 763 00:27:46,582 --> 00:27:48,250 OK, you don't know our arrangement. 764 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:50,169 Wow, OK. Are you open? 765 00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,753 No. 766 00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:54,047 Hey, you mind if I rinse off in your swimming pool? 767 00:27:54,131 --> 00:27:55,674 I don't want to get a UTI. 768 00:27:55,757 --> 00:27:56,925 - Sure. - Wonderful. 769 00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,094 Thank you. 770 00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:00,762 Wow, lot of salt and pepper shakers. 771 00:28:00,846 --> 00:28:03,182 Think you got enough? 772 00:28:03,265 --> 00:28:04,933 - Sorry about that. - Oh, here. 773 00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:07,019 Try this. - Mm. 774 00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:09,438 What is it? 775 00:28:09,479 --> 00:28:11,773 It's my pumpkin yogurt bread batter. 776 00:28:11,857 --> 00:28:13,275 I want to include a fat-free recipe 777 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:15,402 in my newsletter tomorrow. - Mmm. 778 00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:16,820 'Cause my Little Debbies are gonna need 779 00:28:16,904 --> 00:28:18,572 all the energy they can get. 780 00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:21,116 Absolutely. 781 00:28:21,158 --> 00:28:22,409 I was gonna say get out of my head 782 00:28:22,492 --> 00:28:24,912 because when he... when he took the OLSAT... 783 00:28:30,667 --> 00:28:33,295 Katie's remains were never recovered from that creek. 784 00:28:33,378 --> 00:28:35,130 Atticus! 785 00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:36,840 Put your shoes on, honey! We're late! 786 00:28:36,924 --> 00:28:37,966 This episode of "Murder My Stupid Ass Please" 787 00:28:38,050 --> 00:28:39,927 is sponsored by Deb for MSG. 788 00:28:39,968 --> 00:28:41,970 Go to change.org today and add your name to the petition. 789 00:28:42,012 --> 00:28:43,472 Amanda? 790 00:28:51,688 --> 00:28:53,315 - Oh, good. This is all for you. 791 00:28:53,398 --> 00:28:54,608 What? 792 00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:58,320 Oh, my God, they found my home address. 793 00:28:58,403 --> 00:28:59,821 Oh, my God. 794 00:28:59,863 --> 00:29:01,615 No, I... I don't want anything to do with this. 795 00:29:01,698 --> 00:29:03,492 Return to sender! 796 00:29:03,533 --> 00:29:05,786 Except for the Old Navy. 797 00:29:05,869 --> 00:29:07,120 I got three other bags. 798 00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:08,956 I am being stalked and harassed! 799 00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:11,083 Return to sender, gracias! 800 00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:21,468 Hello? 801 00:29:22,552 --> 00:29:23,971 Who's there? 802 00:29:25,722 --> 00:29:27,307 Deb for MSG! 803 00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:29,184 - There she is! - Get her! 804 00:29:29,268 --> 00:29:30,727 Deb for MSG! 805 00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:32,062 Out of my way! 806 00:29:32,145 --> 00:29:34,022 Out of my way! 807 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:36,316 Bitch! 808 00:29:36,358 --> 00:29:37,526 Deb for MSG! 809 00:29:37,567 --> 00:29:39,236 I understand many of you 810 00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:41,238 have been waiting for me to speak on this. 811 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:42,572 So hear me now. 812 00:29:42,656 --> 00:29:45,867 I am not a lizard. 813 00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:48,620 And I know that is something a lizard would say. 814 00:29:48,704 --> 00:29:50,289 However... 815 00:29:50,372 --> 00:29:51,540 That was really, really believable, though. 816 00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:52,958 - Yeah? Thanks. - Yeah. 817 00:29:53,041 --> 00:29:54,042 Loved it. - Hello? 818 00:29:54,084 --> 00:29:57,004 The harassment has got to stop. 819 00:29:57,087 --> 00:29:59,464 Still don't think it's a good idea, 820 00:29:59,548 --> 00:30:01,717 but I'm giving you a date at the Garden. 821 00:30:01,758 --> 00:30:03,051 Oh... oh, OK. 822 00:30:03,093 --> 00:30:04,720 Wow. That... that's fantastic. 823 00:30:04,761 --> 00:30:06,013 Yeah, great. 824 00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:07,014 Thanks, Amanda. 825 00:30:07,097 --> 00:30:08,432 We'll talk real soon. 826 00:30:11,268 --> 00:30:12,519 We're going to MSG. 827 00:30:12,602 --> 00:30:14,146 Yes! 828 00:30:14,229 --> 00:30:15,314 When? 829 00:30:15,397 --> 00:30:16,565 September 11. 830 00:30:16,648 --> 00:30:17,983 9/11? 831 00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:19,526 It was the only date available. 832 00:30:19,609 --> 00:30:21,278 Great! 833 00:30:21,361 --> 00:30:24,072 - Here we go! Ow, that hurt! 834 00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:26,074 God, it's like high-fiving the Hulk! 835 00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:27,909 You're...