1
00:00:04,337 --> 00:00:06,703
It's good to have you back...

2
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:09,970
you horror-hungry humans.

3
00:00:10,410 --> 00:00:14,744
You know by now
who's here to feed your fear.

4
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:18,349
It's me, the Crypt Keeper...

5
00:00:18,618 --> 00:00:21,644
with another flesh-creeping
scream story...

6
00:00:21,721 --> 00:00:24,087
for your shivering pleasure.

7
00:00:25,191 --> 00:00:29,025
I'm calling this bite of bitter bile:

8
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:32,693
"Lover Come Hack to Me."

9
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,297
So plump up that coffin pillow...

10
00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,895
and settle back your bones.

11
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:42,608
We're going to take a little ride...

12
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,802
to honeymoon hell.

13
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,016
I'll go load the car, hon.

14
00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:59,490
Peggy, you'll live to regret this day.

15
00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:02,951
Please don't spoil my happiness,
Aunt Edith.

16
00:01:03,029 --> 00:01:05,497
Peggy, I'm only thinking of your happiness.

17
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,129
You'll live to regret this day, too.

18
00:01:11,037 --> 00:01:13,505
Why would I ever regret
marrying the woman I love?

19
00:01:13,673 --> 00:01:16,801
You don't love her. You love the fortune
that her mother left her.

20
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:20,835
And you love her stocks and bonds
and her real estate and that big house.

21
00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:24,177
And you don't love any of that?
Give me a break, Aunt Edith.

22
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,616
You've been sponging off of Peggy
for 20 years.

23
00:01:26,686 --> 00:01:29,780
I've been protecting Peggy for 20 years
from people like you.

24
00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:32,723
- And I'll continue to protect her.
- We'll be back in a week.

25
00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:35,124
Make sure you leave
a forwarding address, okay?

26
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:38,221
You're putting me out?
You can't make me leave that house.

27
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:39,526
I was born there.

28
00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,261
I guess you'll just have to find
someplace else to die.

29
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:45,203
- Are you ready, honey?
- Yes.

30
00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:47,536
- Bye, Aunt Edith.
- Bye.

31
00:02:13,666 --> 00:02:17,534
- Did you find where we are?
- No. I can't read maps.

32
00:02:21,674 --> 00:02:24,768
- Oh, no.
- What? What is it? What's wrong?

33
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,305
Look.

34
00:02:28,414 --> 00:02:30,814
Wow. It must have been the lightning.

35
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,712
Do you think you can move it?

36
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:39,189
In this weather? Are you crazy?
Look at its size. I'll get soaking wet.

37
00:02:39,459 --> 00:02:44,021
If we turn around and go back, it will
take us all night to get to the hotel.

38
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,891
You don't want to spend
our wedding night on the road, do you?

39
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,765
I guess not. You got a flashlight in here?

40
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,494
Yeah. In here.

41
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:03,076
- Is this yours?
- No. I've never seen it before.

42
00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:08,386
It must be a wedding present
from old Aunt Edith. I'll take care of it.

43
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:14,290
Wait here.

44
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:51,089
Shit. I'm soaked.

45
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,159
We've gotta turn around.

46
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,431
Where's the key?

47
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:02,532
I don't have them.
You probably took them out with you.

48
00:04:05,645 --> 00:04:06,703
Fuck.

49
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:11,345
What are we going to do?

50
00:04:14,621 --> 00:04:16,248
- Hello.
- Hello.

51
00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:21,319
Hello? Anybody home?

52
00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,794
- I'm scared.
- You're always scared, Peggy.

53
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:30,131
Looks like the house is all ours.

54
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,296
Are you going to break and enter?

55
00:04:32,605 --> 00:04:36,097
No, we're going to stand out here
all night and catch our death of cold.

56
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:41,471
Look what I found.

57
00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:47,585
Guess we're meant to go in.

58
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,554
Charles?

59
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:03,661
- What?
- Don't you think...

60
00:05:05,838 --> 00:05:07,738
Think what? What?

61
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:12,269
Don't you think that you should
carry me over the threshold?

62
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,275
All right.

63
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,629
Welcome to the honeymoon suite.

64
00:05:39,405 --> 00:05:42,602
Look, there's a phone. Can I call AAA?

65
00:05:43,142 --> 00:05:46,600
Sure, if it works. I'll get the bags.

66
00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:02,594
How did you know the line was dead?

67
00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:05,789
Well, what'd you expect?
Obviously no one's been living here.

68
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,267
- Come on.
- Where?

69
00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:11,598
We're gonna go exploring.

70
00:06:24,350 --> 00:06:27,012
It looks like nothing's been
touched here for 20 years.

71
00:06:28,054 --> 00:06:29,385
What now?

72
00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:36,360
Well, what's wrong?

73
00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:40,558
It's just a family portrait.

74
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,963
Probably someone's mother-in-law.

75
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:47,033
Get it? Mother-in-law.

76
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:50,604
Old battle-ax. Aunt Edith.

77
00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,402
Was this put here for us?

78
00:06:53,045 --> 00:06:54,808
- What, the axe?
- No, the fire.

79
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:57,372
It looks like it's just been recently laid.

80
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:02,447
Yeah. Who cares?

81
00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:08,618
I think fires are very romantic. Don't you?

82
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,962
Yes, dear. Especially when they're lit.

83
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,227
- Take your clothes off.
- What?

84
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:21,396
Take off your wet clothes
so they have a chance to dry.

85
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:26,301
It's about time we saw each other naked,
don't you think?

86
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,875
After all, honey...

87
00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:34,851
- we are married now.
- Yes, of course.

88
00:07:35,021 --> 00:07:36,579
Just let me get my bag.

89
00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:39,886
All right.

90
00:08:25,137 --> 00:08:27,571
- Peggy, where are you?
- Right here.

91
00:08:32,144 --> 00:08:33,475
Thank you.

92
00:08:45,324 --> 00:08:46,689
I wish I had a drink.

93
00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,154
Well, we have other things, you know.

94
00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:54,555
- What?
- Each other.

95
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:56,997
Yeah, right, each other.

96
00:09:01,674 --> 00:09:04,643
You're not really attracted to me, are you?

97
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:10,010
What are you talking about?

98
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,681
My aunt was right, wasn't she?

99
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,216
You did only marry me for my money.

100
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:23,228
Oh, honey.

101
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,267
Hey now, don't be silly.

102
00:09:36,909 --> 00:09:38,570
You know I love you.

103
00:09:40,746 --> 00:09:41,940
Do you?

104
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,044
God, of course I do.

105
00:09:49,288 --> 00:09:50,812
And I want you, too.

106
00:09:52,058 --> 00:09:53,286
You do?

107
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:55,485
Yeah.

108
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:59,259
Remember how many times
I tried to make love to you...

109
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:00,890
before we got married?

110
00:10:03,803 --> 00:10:06,033
You were always the one that said no.

111
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:09,570
That's because I wanted to keep myself
perfect for this night.

112
00:10:09,642 --> 00:10:10,904
I know.

113
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,638
No, you don't.

114
00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:16,014
You don't know how important
it is for me...

115
00:10:16,082 --> 00:10:17,947
to have this night be perfect.

116
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:22,581
- I know. It's important to me, too.
- Do you mean that?

117
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,754
Yes, I do.

118
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:30,588
I do.

119
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,855
And I want you.

120
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:38,997
Honey, I want you.

121
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,269
I want you so much.

122
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:48,371
Charles, please. Please.

123
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:50,743
Please, Charles. Stop.

124
00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:54,276
- Stop it. Stop!
- What?

125
00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:56,854
I thought that's what you wanted.

126
00:10:57,289 --> 00:11:01,555
It is. I want it desperately,
but not like this.

127
00:11:03,529 --> 00:11:06,293
What do you mean?
What's wrong with this? This is perfect.

128
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:09,698
There's a storm outside,
a cheery fireplace inside.

129
00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:12,267
What's wrong?

130
00:11:13,406 --> 00:11:16,705
In a bed, please. In a bed.

131
00:11:18,477 --> 00:11:21,969
All right, in a bed.
If we can find one in here.

132
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:23,977
Thank you.

133
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,010
Anything to please my wife.

134
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:35,327
- This is just perfect.
- Well, we can only try.

135
00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:42,324
What's with this clock ticking?

136
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:46,931
It makes me feel safe. The sound.

137
00:11:50,576 --> 00:11:51,804
Jesus.

138
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:07,853
- Peggy?
- In here, Charles.

139
00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:17,494
Isn't this so beautiful?

140
00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:22,035
Yeah, beautiful.

141
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,834
Look. This is so weird.

142
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,240
The bed looks like it's just been made.

143
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,776
Look at all these candles.

144
00:12:32,451 --> 00:12:36,512
That even makes it more romantic.
You light them and I'll go get changed.

145
00:12:39,058 --> 00:12:40,389
All right.

146
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,641
This is perfect, isn't it?

147
00:12:58,744 --> 00:13:01,406
Absolutely, my darling.

148
00:13:03,883 --> 00:13:05,316
Yeah, right.

149
00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,576
The perfect honeymoon...

150
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:14,191
starting the perfect marriage...

151
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:23,730
with the perfect wife.

152
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:06,671
Are you in bed yet?

153
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,747
Yes, I'm in bed, honey.

154
00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:13,451
You know, I'd do anything for you.

155
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,315
And I'd do anything for you, too.

156
00:14:19,391 --> 00:14:21,450
And your bank account.

157
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,129
This is anything.

158
00:14:34,807 --> 00:14:36,604
I hope you like it.

159
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:40,478
- Peggy?
- Yes.

160
00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:47,052
You do like it, don't you?

161
00:14:47,686 --> 00:14:49,278
Like it? I love it.

162
00:14:49,989 --> 00:14:51,320
Good.

163
00:14:55,461 --> 00:15:00,160
Because I want this to be
as perfect for you...

164
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,091
as it is for me.

165
00:15:06,805 --> 00:15:09,365
It is going to be perfect, isn't it?

166
00:15:11,543 --> 00:15:13,977
As perfect as I can make it.

167
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:19,841
And, baby...

168
00:15:22,154 --> 00:15:24,714
I can make it perfect.

169
00:15:57,556 --> 00:15:59,615
You really are a virgin.

170
00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,554
Yes.

171
00:16:02,394 --> 00:16:03,725
Good.

172
00:17:51,637 --> 00:17:53,434
We made a child.

173
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:56,239
I know we did.

174
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,534
And she's only...

175
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:04,939
this big.

176
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,348
It was perfect.

177
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,919
As perfect as it will ever get.

178
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,590
Peggy?

179
00:19:10,482 --> 00:19:11,972
What the hell?

180
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:16,886
Looks like somebody
needs a little cooling off.

181
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:20,181
- Let's do it inside.
- Yeah.

182
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:33,227
There you go, my lady,
carried across the threshold.

183
00:19:33,305 --> 00:19:34,897
You're wonderful.

184
00:19:35,807 --> 00:19:38,867
I want you. I want you right now.

185
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,945
I want you, too.

186
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:43,340
Let's go.

187
00:19:43,649 --> 00:19:45,913
No. I don't want to do it in a bed.

188
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,285
I want to do it somewhere special.

189
00:19:48,487 --> 00:19:50,352
Somewhere perfect.

190
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:08,700
Get it off. Get it hard.

191
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:25,287
We're gonna make this one really special.

192
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:29,458
No. We're gonna make this one
really perfect.

193
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:03,988
It's perfect. Perfect.

194
00:21:20,145 --> 00:21:22,045
She never loved me, either.

195
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:35,656
Why did she marry me?

196
00:21:37,996 --> 00:21:39,987
It doesn't matter.

197
00:21:44,202 --> 00:21:48,935
What matters is,
the marriage certificate is real.

198
00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:50,907
She is mine.

199
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:55,107
And every goddamn penny
she's got in the world...

200
00:21:55,180 --> 00:21:56,943
is mine, too.

201
00:21:57,349 --> 00:22:00,807
Allen, our love is complete now.

202
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,648
Perfectly complete.

203
00:22:06,725 --> 00:22:08,590
We made a baby girl...

204
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:12,463
and she's only this big.

205
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:17,165
And I believed her
when she said she was a virgin.

206
00:22:22,808 --> 00:22:26,300
This is the way love
should always remain, my dearest.

207
00:22:27,145 --> 00:22:29,511
Clean and sweet and passionate.

208
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,913
But it doesn't. Time sours it.

209
00:22:34,419 --> 00:22:36,353
The passion cools.

210
00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:40,856
But that's not going to happen
to our passionate love, my dearest.

211
00:22:41,727 --> 00:22:43,854
I'm not going to let it happen.

212
00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:48,463
I'm going to keep it just exactly as it is.

213
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:50,700
Preserve it for always.

214
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,636
I'm not going to let time spoil our love.

215
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,707
Where's the ax?

216
00:22:58,777 --> 00:23:00,267
Wake up, darling.

217
00:23:01,113 --> 00:23:02,341
Wake up.

218
00:23:03,949 --> 00:23:06,281
Wake up!

219
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:09,746
Good. Now go back to sleep.

220
00:23:10,789 --> 00:23:12,279
No!

221
00:23:24,970 --> 00:23:28,872
It's not Peggy. They're both ghosts.

222
00:23:31,343 --> 00:23:33,868
- You see, Allen...
- Allen?

223
00:23:34,112 --> 00:23:36,512
...I told you I'd preserve our love.

224
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,710
Peggy's father was named Allen.

225
00:23:40,185 --> 00:23:42,847
He died before Peggy was born.

226
00:23:45,490 --> 00:23:48,982
Peggy's mother killed her husband
in this house...

227
00:23:50,662 --> 00:23:52,289
on their wedding night.

228
00:23:53,031 --> 00:23:55,795
That was the night that Peggy
was conceived.

229
00:24:01,706 --> 00:24:05,608
Don't you think Peggy would be
a nice name for our little girl?

230
00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:09,839
Please. Please, God!

231
00:24:09,915 --> 00:24:12,179
Please, God! Please let me be dreaming.

232
00:24:17,823 --> 00:24:20,155
Easy.

233
00:24:21,226 --> 00:24:22,818
It was just a nightmare.

234
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:27,064
I guess it was a nightmare.

235
00:24:28,834 --> 00:24:31,098
- You need a towel.
- Yes.

236
00:24:31,837 --> 00:24:33,566
What were you dreaming about?

237
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,301
It was about your parents.

238
00:24:37,843 --> 00:24:41,506
I dreamt that your mother
killed your father on their wedding night.

239
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,679
That's weird.

240
00:24:43,882 --> 00:24:47,511
That's exactly what happened
on the night I was conceived.

241
00:24:47,752 --> 00:24:48,844
What?

242
00:24:50,088 --> 00:24:52,522
And I want what my mother had.

243
00:24:53,592 --> 00:24:55,423
A perfect honeymoon.

244
00:24:56,294 --> 00:24:58,387
A perfect love...

245
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:03,327
that I can make sure
that time does not spoil.

246
00:25:03,568 --> 00:25:07,800
We don't have a perfect love. I married you
for your money. I've never loved you.

247
00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:08,999
That's not true.

248
00:25:09,107 --> 00:25:11,667
Yes, it is.

249
00:25:12,978 --> 00:25:14,138
See?

250
00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:18,174
Now I brought this to kill you
on our wedding night.

251
00:25:19,084 --> 00:25:22,076
I was going to blame it on a burglar
and inherit your money.

252
00:25:22,153 --> 00:25:24,951
But you didn't shoot me
because after we made love...

253
00:25:25,023 --> 00:25:27,719
you realized that our honeymoon
was perfect...

254
00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:30,351
- and that you love me.
- No.

255
00:25:31,129 --> 00:25:34,030
I'll shoot you now. I swear to God
I'll shoot you right now.

256
00:25:34,232 --> 00:25:36,257
You love me too much to kill me.

257
00:25:37,168 --> 00:25:38,430
You wanna bet?

258
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,672
See?

259
00:25:45,076 --> 00:25:49,103
Our love is perfect.
That's why I'm going to preserve it...

260
00:25:49,414 --> 00:25:52,508
- for always.
- No!

261
00:26:10,702 --> 00:26:12,533
Sleep tight, Charles.

262
00:26:23,381 --> 00:26:24,905
Aunt Edith.

263
00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:36,116
- I'm so happy you came.
- I'm so glad you called.

264
00:26:37,395 --> 00:26:40,626
- How was your wedding night?
- It was wonderful.

265
00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:43,498
- I'm going to have a baby girl.
- Really?

266
00:26:43,735 --> 00:26:46,602
- Yes and she's only this big.
- That's lovely, dear.

267
00:26:49,107 --> 00:26:52,543
- You'll love her, won't you?
- Well, of course I will.

268
00:26:53,244 --> 00:26:55,769
Just as I loved your mother, as I love you.

269
00:26:57,115 --> 00:27:00,243
Only no more men, understand?

270
00:27:00,719 --> 00:27:01,981
I promise.

271
00:27:02,387 --> 00:27:06,153
Besides, I don't need one anymore,
now that I have my little girl.

272
00:27:08,426 --> 00:27:11,259
But she's gonna need one, someday.

273
00:27:13,064 --> 00:27:14,929
Of course she will, dear.

274
00:27:16,334 --> 00:27:17,665
Of course she will.

275
00:27:28,380 --> 00:27:31,838
Talk about family traditions.

276
00:27:31,983 --> 00:27:35,180
All you bouncing bachelors out there...

277
00:27:35,253 --> 00:27:36,880
a word of warning:

278
00:27:37,522 --> 00:27:41,253
Before you take that matrimonial plunge...

279
00:27:41,559 --> 00:27:43,993
check out the bride's background.

280
00:27:45,263 --> 00:27:47,595
Open her closet door...

281
00:27:47,666 --> 00:27:51,693
and see if any family secrets fall out.

282
00:27:52,504 --> 00:27:57,066
Beware of skeletons,
unless they're yours truly.

283
00:28:33,778 --> 00:28:34,767
English