It's good to have you back...
you horror-hungry humans.
You know by now who's here to feed your fear.
It's me, the Crypt Keeper...
with another flesh-creeping scream story...
for your shivering pleasure.
I'm calling this bite of bitter bile:
"Lover Come Hack to Me."
So plump up that coffin pillow...
and settle back your bones.
We're going to take a little ride...
to honeymoon hell.
I'll go load the car, hon.
Peggy, you'll live to regret this day.
Please don't spoil my happiness, Aunt Edith.
Peggy, I'm only thinking of your happiness.
You'll live to regret this day, too.
Why would I ever regret marrying the woman I love?
You don't love her. You love the fortune that her mother left her.
And you love her stocks and bonds and her real estate and that big house.
And you don't love any of that? Give me a break, Aunt Edith.
You've been sponging off of Peggy for 20 years.
I've been protecting Peggy for 20 years from people like you.
- And I'll continue to protect her. - We'll be back in a week.
Make sure you leave a forwarding address, okay?
You're putting me out? You can't make me leave that house.
I was born there.
I guess you'll just have to find someplace else to die.
- Are you ready, honey? - Yes.
- Bye, Aunt Edith. - Bye.
- Did you find where we are? - No. I can't read maps.
- Oh, no. - What? What is it? What's wrong?
Look.
Wow. It must have been the lightning.
Do you think you can move it?
In this weather? Are you crazy? Look at its size. I'll get soaking wet.
If we turn around and go back, it will take us all night to get to the hotel.
You don't want to spend our wedding night on the road, do you?
I guess not. You got a flashlight in here?
Yeah. In here.
- Is this yours? - No. I've never seen it before.
It must be a wedding present from old Aunt Edith. I'll take care of it.
Wait here.
Shit. I'm soaked.
We've gotta turn around.
Where's the key?
I don't have them. You probably took them out with you.
Fuck.
What are we going to do?
- Hello. - Hello.
Hello? Anybody home?
- I'm scared. - You're always scared, Peggy.
Looks like the house is all ours.
Are you going to break and enter?
No, we're going to stand out here all night and catch our death of cold.
Look what I found.
Guess we're meant to go in.
Charles?
- What? - Don't you think...
Think what? What?
Don't you think that you should carry me over the threshold?
All right.
Welcome to the honeymoon suite.
Look, there's a phone. Can I call AAA?
Sure, if it works. I'll get the bags.
How did you know the line was dead?
Well, what'd you expect? Obviously no one's been living here.
- Come on. - Where?
We're gonna go exploring.
It looks like nothing's been touched here for 20 years.
What now?
Well, what's wrong?
It's just a family portrait.
Probably someone's mother-in-law.
Get it? Mother-in-law.
Old battle-ax. Aunt Edith.
Was this put here for us?
- What, the axe? - No, the fire.
It looks like it's just been recently laid.
Yeah. Who cares?
I think fires are very romantic. Don't you?
Yes, dear. Especially when they're lit.
- Take your clothes off. - What?
Take off your wet clothes so they have a chance to dry.
It's about time we saw each other naked, don't you think?
After all, honey...
- we are married now. - Yes, of course.
Just let me get my bag.
All right.
- Peggy, where are you? - Right here.
Thank you.
I wish I had a drink.
Well, we have other things, you know.
- What? - Each other.
Yeah, right, each other.
You're not really attracted to me, are you?
What are you talking about?
My aunt was right, wasn't she?
You did only marry me for my money.
Oh, honey.
Hey now, don't be silly.
You know I love you.
Do you?
God, of course I do.
And I want you, too.
You do?
Yeah.
Remember how many times I tried to make love to you...
before we got married?
You were always the one that said no.
That's because I wanted to keep myself perfect for this night.
I know.
No, you don't.
You don't know how important it is for me...
to have this night be perfect.
- I know. It's important to me, too. - Do you mean that?
Yes, I do.
I do.
And I want you.
Honey, I want you.
I want you so much.
Charles, please. Please.
Please, Charles. Stop.
- Stop it. Stop! - What?
I thought that's what you wanted.
It is. I want it desperately, but not like this.
What do you mean? What's wrong with this? This is perfect.
There's a storm outside, a cheery fireplace inside.
What's wrong?
In a bed, please. In a bed.
All right, in a bed. If we can find one in here.
Thank you.
Anything to please my wife.
- This is just perfect. - Well, we can only try.
What's with this clock ticking?
It makes me feel safe. The sound.
Jesus.
- Peggy? - In here, Charles.
Isn't this so beautiful?
Yeah, beautiful.
Look. This is so weird.
The bed looks like it's just been made.
Look at all these candles.
That even makes it more romantic. You light them and I'll go get changed.
All right.
This is perfect, isn't it?
Absolutely, my darling.
Yeah, right.
The perfect honeymoon...
starting the perfect marriage...
with the perfect wife.
Are you in bed yet?
Yes, I'm in bed, honey.
You know, I'd do anything for you.
And I'd do anything for you, too.
And your bank account.
This is anything.
I hope you like it.
- Peggy? - Yes.
You do like it, don't you?
Like it? I love it.
Good.
Because I want this to be as perfect for you...
as it is for me.
It is going to be perfect, isn't it?
As perfect as I can make it.
And, baby...
I can make it perfect.
You really are a virgin.
Yes.
Good.
We made a child.
I know we did.
And she's only...
this big.
It was perfect.
As perfect as it will ever get.
Peggy?
What the hell?
Looks like somebody needs a little cooling off.
- Let's do it inside. - Yeah.
There you go, my lady, carried across the threshold.
You're wonderful.
I want you. I want you right now.
I want you, too.
Let's go.
No. I don't want to do it in a bed.
I want to do it somewhere special.
Somewhere perfect.
Get it off. Get it hard.
We're gonna make this one really special.
No. We're gonna make this one really perfect.
It's perfect. Perfect.
She never loved me, either.
Why did she marry me?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is, the marriage certificate is real.
She is mine.
And every goddamn penny she's got in the world...
is mine, too.
Allen, our love is complete now.
Perfectly complete.
We made a baby girl...
and she's only this big.
And I believed her when she said she was a virgin.
This is the way love should always remain, my dearest.
Clean and sweet and passionate.
But it doesn't. Time sours it.
The passion cools.
But that's not going to happen to our passionate love, my dearest.
I'm not going to let it happen.
I'm going to keep it just exactly as it is.
Preserve it for always.
I'm not going to let time spoil our love.
Where's the ax?
Wake up, darling.
Wake up.
Wake up!
Good. Now go back to sleep.
No!
It's not Peggy. They're both ghosts.
- You see, Allen... - Allen?
...I told you I'd preserve our love.
Peggy's father was named Allen.
He died before Peggy was born.
Peggy's mother killed her husband in this house...
on their wedding night.
That was the night that Peggy was conceived.
Don't you think Peggy would be a nice name for our little girl?
Please. Please, God!
Please, God! Please let me be dreaming.
Easy.
It was just a nightmare.
I guess it was a nightmare.
- You need a towel. - Yes.
What were you dreaming about?
It was about your parents.
I dreamt that your mother killed your father on their wedding night.
That's weird.
That's exactly what happened on the night I was conceived.
What?
And I want what my mother had.
A perfect honeymoon.
A perfect love...
that I can make sure that time does not spoil.
We don't have a perfect love. I married you for your money. I've never loved you.
That's not true.
Yes, it is.
See?
Now I brought this to kill you on our wedding night.
I was going to blame it on a burglar and inherit your money.
But you didn't shoot me because after we made love...
you realized that our honeymoon was perfect...
- and that you love me. - No.
I'll shoot you now. I swear to God I'll shoot you right now.
You love me too much to kill me.
You wanna bet?
See?
Our love is perfect. That's why I'm going to preserve it...
- for always. - No!
Sleep tight, Charles.
Aunt Edith.
- I'm so happy you came. - I'm so glad you called.
- How was your wedding night? - It was wonderful.
- I'm going to have a baby girl. - Really?
- Yes and she's only this big. - That's lovely, dear.
- You'll love her, won't you? - Well, of course I will.
Just as I loved your mother, as I love you.
Only no more men, understand?
I promise.
Besides, I don't need one anymore, now that I have my little girl.
But she's gonna need one, someday.
Of course she will, dear.
Of course she will.
Talk about family traditions.
All you bouncing bachelors out there...
a word of warning:
Before you take that matrimonial plunge...
check out the bride's background.
Open her closet door...
and see if any family secrets fall out.
Beware of skeletons, unless they're yours truly.
English