1 00:00:21,824 --> 00:00:25,264 Previously on this filmed documentary program, 2 00:00:25,298 --> 00:00:28,370 or whatever the fuck this is supposed to be. 3 00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:31,711 Behind this door is the living quarters of The Sire. 4 00:00:31,744 --> 00:00:33,315 The actual Sire? 5 00:00:33,348 --> 00:00:35,820 Do not ever open this door. 6 00:00:35,853 --> 00:00:38,358 Peekaboo. 7 00:00:38,391 --> 00:00:39,861 As I was saying, 8 00:00:39,895 --> 00:00:42,333 - do not ever... - Open the door. 9 00:00:42,366 --> 00:00:43,803 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it. 10 00:00:48,445 --> 00:00:49,447 As leader of... 11 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,451 Co-leader. 12 00:00:51,484 --> 00:00:53,455 ... of the Vampiric Council, it is one of my... 13 00:00:53,488 --> 00:00:54,523 Our. 14 00:00:55,088 --> 00:00:58,129 ... our duties to be looking after The Sire. 15 00:00:58,162 --> 00:01:01,268 The Sire is the original vampire 16 00:01:01,302 --> 00:01:03,940 from which all other vampires are descended. 17 00:01:03,973 --> 00:01:05,243 Over the centuries, 18 00:01:05,377 --> 00:01:10,153 it has devolved into a horrific and fearsome creature. 19 00:01:10,186 --> 00:01:14,194 He is one very angry, very crispy piece of crust. 20 00:01:14,228 --> 00:01:17,767 But its continued health is of extreme importance 21 00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,406 for the fate of all vampire-kind. 22 00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:23,913 So, uh, why are we talking to you about The Sire? 23 00:01:23,946 --> 00:01:26,685 Um... 24 00:01:28,924 --> 00:01:32,164 It is a fucking mess down here. 25 00:01:32,197 --> 00:01:34,501 No one is respecting my organizational system. 26 00:01:34,620 --> 00:01:36,590 What are you pissing on about? 27 00:01:36,624 --> 00:01:38,061 Look at this. 28 00:01:38,094 --> 00:01:40,165 What is the point of having a glowing orb section 29 00:01:40,198 --> 00:01:43,671 if you're gonna put the glowing orb in the monkey paw section? 30 00:01:43,705 --> 00:01:45,675 I've just got to find this stupid magic flute for Laszlo. 31 00:01:45,709 --> 00:01:47,679 He wants to use it to seduce some mail woman, 32 00:01:47,713 --> 00:01:49,650 and to be honest, I'm here for it. 33 00:01:49,683 --> 00:01:50,886 Oh, shit. 34 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,622 - What is it? - Shit, shit, shit, 35 00:01:52,656 --> 00:01:54,026 - The Sire! - shit! 36 00:01:54,059 --> 00:01:55,495 He is... Oh... 37 00:01:55,528 --> 00:01:57,099 - Open... open the door, Nandor. - Yes. 38 00:01:57,132 --> 00:01:58,868 Got it. 39 00:02:00,105 --> 00:02:02,175 - Oh, for fuck's sake. - Oh, damn. 40 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,578 Oh. 41 00:02:03,611 --> 00:02:05,048 Oh, The Sire. 42 00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:06,283 Sire. 43 00:02:06,317 --> 00:02:09,289 - Oh, no. - It seems that The Sire was so hungry 44 00:02:09,323 --> 00:02:11,794 that it took the sharpened bones of its victims 45 00:02:11,827 --> 00:02:14,901 - and tunneled a hole in the wall. - I can't believe it. 46 00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:16,871 Little rascal. 47 00:02:16,905 --> 00:02:18,641 I can't believe you 48 00:02:18,674 --> 00:02:20,712 managed to mess this up so badly, Nandor. 49 00:02:20,745 --> 00:02:22,215 It was your job to feed The Sire. 50 00:02:22,249 --> 00:02:23,952 - Me? - Yes, you. 51 00:02:23,986 --> 00:02:25,021 What? 52 00:02:25,055 --> 00:02:26,157 So, yeah, 53 00:02:26,190 --> 00:02:29,898 turns out I never actually told Nandor to feed The Sire. 54 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:32,836 How is this my fault? 55 00:02:32,869 --> 00:02:34,840 Because I said to you that 56 00:02:34,873 --> 00:02:36,844 you're the one to be responsible for feeding The Sire. 57 00:02:38,949 --> 00:02:41,922 What have I done? 58 00:02:41,955 --> 00:02:43,124 I was meaning to. 59 00:02:43,157 --> 00:02:44,793 I even wrote it on a sticky note. 60 00:02:44,827 --> 00:02:46,965 "Ask Nandor Feed Sire." 61 00:02:46,998 --> 00:02:49,971 But I never actually got around to giving him the message. 62 00:02:51,707 --> 00:02:53,960 So, you know, I think it's very 63 00:02:53,961 --> 00:02:56,885 difficult to say who's at fault, really. 64 00:03:34,393 --> 00:03:36,630 Why are you just fucking sitting there?! 65 00:03:36,664 --> 00:03:38,668 - We're all gonna fucking die! - All die. 66 00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:40,205 Oh, my love. Please don't tell me 67 00:03:40,238 --> 00:03:42,309 - you believe in this bullshit? - Of course I do. 68 00:03:42,342 --> 00:03:45,081 If the vampire that turns you dies, then you die. 69 00:03:45,115 --> 00:03:48,354 So, if the original vampire dies, you all die? 70 00:03:48,387 --> 00:03:50,758 - All die. - No, it's a fucking urban myth. 71 00:03:50,792 --> 00:03:52,863 Like ghosts or large penises. 72 00:03:52,897 --> 00:03:54,666 You don't want to help? Fine. 73 00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,970 I will fix this. 74 00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:58,641 Since this is all my big dumb stupid fault. 75 00:03:58,674 --> 00:04:00,345 - No, Master. - Yes. 76 00:04:00,378 --> 00:04:02,018 Control that hellhound! 77 00:04:02,019 --> 00:04:03,260 Nandor, wait! 78 00:04:03,261 --> 00:04:05,188 - Nandor... - People will believe anything these days. 79 00:04:05,221 --> 00:04:06,824 Absolutely anything. 80 00:04:07,267 --> 00:04:09,406 I tell you, if what they're saying is true, 81 00:04:09,431 --> 00:04:12,269 both my wife and I would be dead by now. 82 00:04:12,294 --> 00:04:14,798 - Yeah. - The Baron obviously turned my wife into a vampire 83 00:04:14,831 --> 00:04:17,169 and she turned me into a vampire. 84 00:04:17,203 --> 00:04:19,808 You two should be dead because The Baron is definitely dead. 85 00:04:19,841 --> 00:04:21,445 Absolutely. 86 00:04:21,478 --> 00:04:23,181 The Baron is definitely dead. 87 00:04:23,215 --> 00:04:26,187 Yeah, burnt to a crisp and buried in the backyard. 88 00:04:26,229 --> 00:04:28,166 In the back garden, as we speak. 89 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:30,730 - Fuck. Get a shovel. - Yeah. 90 00:04:30,763 --> 00:04:32,233 Gizmo! 91 00:04:32,266 --> 00:04:33,636 I am not accustomed 92 00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:36,542 to taking responsibility for my missteps. 93 00:04:36,584 --> 00:04:39,323 When I was a military general, 94 00:04:39,348 --> 00:04:41,518 if there was a problem in one of my various wars, 95 00:04:41,552 --> 00:04:44,358 I would simply blame another nation 96 00:04:44,391 --> 00:04:46,227 and then we would go to war with them. 97 00:04:46,261 --> 00:04:48,666 And so on, etcetera. We've all been there. 98 00:04:48,707 --> 00:04:51,647 But, as leader of the Vampiric Council... 99 00:04:51,672 --> 00:04:54,110 Coleader! 100 00:04:54,143 --> 00:04:57,817 I must swallow my pride and do what is right. 101 00:04:57,851 --> 00:05:01,257 It says here that the correct name for The Sire 102 00:05:01,292 --> 00:05:05,198 is, in fact, uh, "G-G-Gajillarum"? 103 00:05:05,232 --> 00:05:08,639 I think you swallow the "G," so it's like "Yarilariur." 104 00:05:08,673 --> 00:05:10,142 It doesn't seem right. 105 00:05:10,182 --> 00:05:11,786 - Are you sure? - No. 106 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,683 I need to figure this out before my press conference begins. 107 00:05:13,716 --> 00:05:15,687 No, what? We don't need to do a press conference, 108 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,256 we just need to capture the bloody thing. 109 00:05:17,290 --> 00:05:19,828 No! I need to let the vampire community know 110 00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,732 what is happening and put their mind at ease. 111 00:05:21,765 --> 00:05:24,538 'Cause it is I who have failed to perform a very simple job. 112 00:05:24,651 --> 00:05:25,953 I don't think we need to... Oh. 113 00:05:25,987 --> 00:05:28,793 Over the power of the ether, 114 00:05:28,826 --> 00:05:33,903 I hereby summon the vampire society's most respected journalists, 115 00:05:33,936 --> 00:05:36,274 news anchors, bloggers, vloggers 116 00:05:36,307 --> 00:05:40,750 and high school yearbook editors. 117 00:05:40,783 --> 00:05:43,422 Oh, it worked. 118 00:05:43,456 --> 00:05:44,758 Thank you all for coming. 119 00:05:44,791 --> 00:05:46,628 Is this thing on? 120 00:05:46,662 --> 00:05:48,499 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Uh... 121 00:05:48,532 --> 00:05:50,803 But now is not the time for jokes. 122 00:05:50,837 --> 00:05:52,607 This evening, 123 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,580 at approximately 9:53 in the p. m. Staten Island time, 124 00:05:55,613 --> 00:05:58,919 the creature known as The Sire, 125 00:05:58,953 --> 00:06:02,594 - aka Girlyjim... - Nailed it. 126 00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:07,002 ... escaped Vampiric Council watch and is currently at large 127 00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:09,941 in the tristate area, exact location unknown. 128 00:06:09,975 --> 00:06:12,847 I, Nandor The Relentless, 129 00:06:12,881 --> 00:06:16,855 co-supreme leader of the Vampiric Council, 130 00:06:16,889 --> 00:06:20,596 do hereby accept full responsibility for this misstep. 131 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:22,152 - Time for questions. - Coleader Nandor. 132 00:06:22,153 --> 00:06:23,502 - Yes? - Coleader Nandor, hi. 133 00:06:23,536 --> 00:06:24,871 Uh, Lars Murderbone, Orlando Sentinel. 134 00:06:24,905 --> 00:06:26,608 Is there currently any kind of plan in place 135 00:06:26,642 --> 00:06:28,311 to capture The Sire? 136 00:06:28,344 --> 00:06:30,716 We have a plan and it is going absolutely perfectly. 137 00:06:30,750 --> 00:06:32,454 - So, you can go. - Yes. 138 00:06:32,487 --> 00:06:34,858 And you know, there's a lot of speculation saying, 139 00:06:34,891 --> 00:06:37,730 "Oh, this is gonna be the end of vampires as we know it." 140 00:06:37,717 --> 00:06:38,717 What?! 141 00:06:38,718 --> 00:06:40,152 No one asked. 142 00:06:40,153 --> 00:06:42,841 Even if that did happen, we've had a wonderful run, 143 00:06:42,874 --> 00:06:44,644 haven't we? We've had a great time. 144 00:06:44,678 --> 00:06:46,815 - You've doomed us all! - Oh, no! 145 00:06:46,849 --> 00:06:49,488 Okay, bye. 146 00:06:50,957 --> 00:06:55,298 You have just made things significantly worse. 147 00:06:57,002 --> 00:06:59,441 No. No. 148 00:07:01,256 --> 00:07:04,941 - Dig there. - That's literally what I'm doing right now. 149 00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:06,637 Well, dig deeper. 150 00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:08,441 I can't remember where we buried the bastard. 151 00:07:08,474 --> 00:07:09,643 Might this be him? 152 00:07:09,676 --> 00:07:10,778 Uh, that might not. 153 00:07:10,812 --> 00:07:13,617 That is the census taker, 1990. 154 00:07:13,651 --> 00:07:15,455 - What about this chap? - Nope. 155 00:07:15,488 --> 00:07:17,692 Oh, for fuck's sake. 156 00:07:17,726 --> 00:07:20,665 Now that rock is beginning to ring a bell. 157 00:07:20,698 --> 00:07:21,900 That rock there. 158 00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:23,652 That does ring a bell, that rock. 159 00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:26,248 Baron? Are you there? 160 00:07:26,289 --> 00:07:28,060 Yes. 161 00:07:28,085 --> 00:07:29,722 - Oh, my God. - Shit. 162 00:07:29,756 --> 00:07:30,991 - Did you hear that? - Baron? 163 00:07:31,025 --> 00:07:32,595 - Yes? - It's over there. 164 00:07:32,628 --> 00:07:34,666 - Baron? - I am here. 165 00:07:34,699 --> 00:07:35,868 - Here, here. Start digging, man. - Here. Come on. 166 00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:37,605 Shit. 167 00:07:37,638 --> 00:07:40,611 Big pull now. Almost there. 168 00:07:42,782 --> 00:07:46,174 Well, fancy seeing you here, Baron. 169 00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,802 We thought you were dead. 170 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,739 Well, no, I am not. 171 00:07:50,772 --> 00:07:53,490 You see, when you buried me, 172 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:57,590 I was pretty much dead, but not completely dead. 173 00:07:59,092 --> 00:08:01,598 Give The Baron his last sip. 174 00:08:01,631 --> 00:08:02,766 Of course. 175 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,302 Shall we just get him in? 176 00:08:04,337 --> 00:08:05,939 - Yeah. - Goodbye, Baron. 177 00:08:05,973 --> 00:08:08,478 I was able to slowly regain my strength, 178 00:08:08,512 --> 00:08:11,351 subsisting on the blood-soaked dirt 179 00:08:11,384 --> 00:08:15,726 of the many, many humans you have buried out here. 180 00:08:15,759 --> 00:08:17,329 That was a bit of luck. 181 00:08:17,363 --> 00:08:19,667 Now, I did try to dig my way to the surface 182 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,671 using just my mouth 183 00:08:21,704 --> 00:08:25,746 and this one arm that is fused to my chest. 184 00:08:25,787 --> 00:08:29,395 I guess I was digging sideways instead of up. 185 00:08:31,123 --> 00:08:35,599 Yeah, that'll happen when your arm is, uh, yeah. 186 00:08:35,624 --> 00:08:38,797 Soon, I recovered enough to cry out 187 00:08:38,839 --> 00:08:41,009 and beg you to dig me up. 188 00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:43,815 Uh, "Help! Help!" I cried. 189 00:08:43,849 --> 00:08:45,886 - Oh, okay. That was you, then. - Right. 190 00:08:45,919 --> 00:08:47,623 Yeah, I heard the screams, 191 00:08:47,648 --> 00:08:49,853 but I just thought it was someone in the neighborhood 192 00:08:49,894 --> 00:08:52,666 in grave danger. I was like, "Not my problem." 193 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,470 That is all in the past, 194 00:08:54,503 --> 00:08:59,447 because I am now back, and I have never felt better. 195 00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:02,026 - If I, if I could just... get... - Well, you look good. 196 00:09:02,051 --> 00:09:05,559 Oh, oh. Almost. Ah. Yes, okay. 197 00:09:05,592 --> 00:09:07,429 - There we go. - Okay. 198 00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:09,867 - Who wants to get smacked first? - Oh. 199 00:09:09,901 --> 00:09:11,871 Yeah, it was a little nerve-racking 200 00:09:11,905 --> 00:09:14,610 seeing The Baron again, considering our-our history. 201 00:09:19,119 --> 00:09:20,889 But he doesn't seem to remember anything. 202 00:09:20,931 --> 00:09:23,937 He was on a lot of drug blood that night, so... 203 00:09:23,962 --> 00:09:26,968 What he don't know won't hurt him, or me. 204 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,872 So nice to be back in the arms 205 00:09:28,905 --> 00:09:33,615 of a big, strong boy. Mwah. 206 00:09:33,648 --> 00:09:35,151 But this means that that Sire theory... 207 00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:36,554 "If he dies they all die"... 208 00:09:36,588 --> 00:09:38,157 that might be real. 209 00:09:38,490 --> 00:09:39,927 Sorry, Baron. Urgent matter. 210 00:09:39,961 --> 00:09:42,031 We must attend to it. Bye! 211 00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:44,069 Feed him. A simple task. 212 00:09:44,102 --> 00:09:45,572 I accept full responsibility. 213 00:09:45,606 --> 00:09:47,543 I don't see how that helps us. 214 00:09:47,576 --> 00:09:50,449 Oh, good evening, my sweet companions. 215 00:09:50,482 --> 00:09:52,686 The Baron. You're alive... ish. 216 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,692 - Well, catch me up. Have you taken over America? - Uh... 217 00:09:55,726 --> 00:09:58,865 Well, we've, um, taken over the local Vampiric Council. 218 00:09:58,898 --> 00:09:59,898 Huzzah! 219 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:01,704 Yes, huzzah! 220 00:10:01,738 --> 00:10:03,742 But it's not going so great. 221 00:10:03,775 --> 00:10:05,445 Understatement of the year. 222 00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:06,881 What she said. 223 00:10:06,914 --> 00:10:08,785 Yes, you've picked a bit of a shitty time 224 00:10:08,818 --> 00:10:10,856 - to come back from the dead. - I see. 225 00:10:10,889 --> 00:10:13,027 Uh, speaking of which, could one of you be a dear 226 00:10:13,060 --> 00:10:14,964 and push my eye back in? 227 00:10:14,997 --> 00:10:17,503 Guillermo? 228 00:10:17,536 --> 00:10:20,642 Also, I think one of my ears fell off in the foyer, 229 00:10:20,676 --> 00:10:21,886 - if we could... - Which one? 230 00:10:21,887 --> 00:10:22,887 Does it matter? 231 00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:25,719 - Which ear was it again? - The right one. 232 00:10:25,752 --> 00:10:27,523 We need to find The Sire! 233 00:10:27,556 --> 00:10:28,858 I believe his theory. I always have. 234 00:10:28,892 --> 00:10:30,696 Oh. Shit. They're right, what are we doing? 235 00:10:30,729 --> 00:10:32,766 - Nobody panic. Everybody... - I'm not panicking! 236 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:33,935 We're all gonna die! 237 00:10:33,969 --> 00:10:35,539 My sword. 238 00:10:35,572 --> 00:10:37,476 - Come on, there's no time to waste! - Help! 239 00:10:42,820 --> 00:10:45,626 Sorry, there's not chalkboard in here, so I had to use my mouth. 240 00:10:45,659 --> 00:10:48,197 So, you want to catch a vampire, huh? 241 00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:50,769 Well, it ain't gonna be easy. 242 00:10:50,802 --> 00:10:53,975 It's not like catching rats or elderly joggers. 243 00:10:54,009 --> 00:10:56,948 Joggers. Yeah, that's Jaws, 1975. 244 00:10:56,981 --> 00:11:00,021 The shark kept malfunctioning, and so Spielberg... 245 00:11:00,054 --> 00:11:01,658 Shut up! 246 00:11:01,691 --> 00:11:03,193 You promoted me to be a bodyguard. 247 00:11:03,227 --> 00:11:07,001 I believe that I should be in charge 248 00:11:07,035 --> 00:11:08,672 of catching The Sire. 249 00:11:12,109 --> 00:11:13,204 - All right. - Yeah. 250 00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:14,205 - What? - Fuck it. 251 00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:15,284 - Okay, fine. Yeah, sure, whatever. - Don't give a shit. 252 00:11:15,284 --> 00:11:17,221 Now wait just a moment. 253 00:11:17,255 --> 00:11:20,729 You are going to place the fate of all vampire-kind 254 00:11:20,762 --> 00:11:23,902 into the hands of your familiar? 255 00:11:23,935 --> 00:11:26,941 Well, he's actually quite a skilled vampire hunter. 256 00:11:26,974 --> 00:11:31,718 I mean, he killed you. 257 00:11:31,751 --> 00:11:36,126 - ... gene, he killed Eugene. A very powerful vampire. - Oh. 258 00:11:36,151 --> 00:11:38,724 Maybe later we'll talk about Eugene some more, 259 00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:39,765 but, Guide Lady, I need you to check in 260 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,069 with your intel sources. 261 00:11:41,103 --> 00:11:42,673 How do you know I have intel sources? 262 00:11:42,706 --> 00:11:44,109 Oh, you don't? 263 00:11:44,142 --> 00:11:47,115 No, I-I do have intel sources. The Watchers. 264 00:11:47,148 --> 00:11:48,818 Nadja, why don't you go with her, tag along? 265 00:11:48,852 --> 00:11:50,254 Maybe you'll learn a thing or two. 266 00:11:50,287 --> 00:11:51,958 And, Laszlo, why don't you change your shoes, 267 00:11:51,991 --> 00:11:53,728 'cause those don't look comfy at all, and you're gonna 268 00:11:53,762 --> 00:11:55,197 - do some groundwork, okay? - Why don't you get fucked? 269 00:11:55,231 --> 00:11:57,703 Okay. And you go get me a glass of water, no ice. 270 00:11:57,728 --> 00:11:59,064 Yeah, I wouldn't have a clue 271 00:11:59,105 --> 00:12:00,809 where you would find something like that. 272 00:12:00,842 --> 00:12:02,880 - Don't get cocky. - Eat shit, Guillermo. 273 00:12:02,913 --> 00:12:04,583 Have you got some sack, my boy. 274 00:12:04,617 --> 00:12:06,921 So then, if you don't need me, I'll be on my way. 275 00:12:06,954 --> 00:12:08,223 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Guillermo. 276 00:12:08,257 --> 00:12:09,927 Not so fast. 277 00:12:09,968 --> 00:12:12,206 - Not so fast, old chap. - Okay, then. 278 00:12:12,231 --> 00:12:14,737 What are you waiting for? You have your orders. Go. 279 00:12:14,770 --> 00:12:15,970 Let's do it. - Come on. 280 00:12:19,013 --> 00:12:20,850 When I'm in desperate need of information, 281 00:12:20,883 --> 00:12:22,420 I have two go-to sources. 282 00:12:22,453 --> 00:12:23,622 The Watchers. 283 00:12:29,064 --> 00:12:30,433 Are they meeting us here, or... ? 284 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:31,895 Oh, they're here already. 285 00:12:31,936 --> 00:12:34,040 They've always been here. 286 00:12:34,065 --> 00:12:36,303 I mean, at least since this building was built. 287 00:12:36,336 --> 00:12:38,073 Hello, ladies. 288 00:12:38,107 --> 00:12:40,211 Oh, yeah. 289 00:12:42,115 --> 00:12:44,487 - Honey, it's been way too long. - Oh. 290 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,958 And looks like you finally made a friend. 291 00:12:46,991 --> 00:12:49,396 - Hello. - We have a desperate emergency. 292 00:12:49,429 --> 00:12:51,400 We were wondering if anyone has spotted 293 00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:53,805 an ancient vampire on the loose? 294 00:12:53,838 --> 00:12:57,111 - About four-foot-nine. Horrible face. - Oh, my. 295 00:12:57,145 --> 00:12:58,447 Completely naked. 296 00:12:58,481 --> 00:13:01,053 Genitalia like nothing you've ever seen. 297 00:13:01,086 --> 00:13:03,925 You'd be surprised at what I have seen, 298 00:13:03,959 --> 00:13:05,862 but no, not ringing any bells. 299 00:13:05,896 --> 00:13:07,131 Speaking of ringing bells, listen to this. 300 00:13:07,165 --> 00:13:08,501 You know how Count Blake the Torturous 301 00:13:08,535 --> 00:13:09,870 is selling his haunted clock tower? 302 00:13:09,904 --> 00:13:11,273 - Yes. - Well, it turns out 303 00:13:11,306 --> 00:13:13,812 they had to lower the asking price, twice. 304 00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:15,281 - Twice! - In this market? 305 00:13:15,314 --> 00:13:17,285 I know. Just because it has half a staircase 306 00:13:17,318 --> 00:13:18,989 doesn't make it a duplex. 307 00:13:19,022 --> 00:13:21,961 Also, yeah, they're, like, super gossipy bitches. 308 00:13:21,995 --> 00:13:23,498 Oh! Sorry! This is very urgent! 309 00:13:23,531 --> 00:13:25,569 - Back to it, please. We need your help. - No fun. 310 00:13:25,602 --> 00:13:27,973 All right, I'll check in with some of the other gargoyles. 311 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,109 Thank you. 312 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,085 Oh, you know, I've heard this sound at night sometimes, 313 00:13:34,119 --> 00:13:36,858 but I always just thought it was a passing truck. 314 00:13:36,891 --> 00:13:37,993 Huh! 315 00:13:38,027 --> 00:13:39,964 Oh. 316 00:13:39,997 --> 00:13:41,501 All right, all right, I've got something for you. 317 00:13:41,534 --> 00:13:44,974 So, hearing from one of my 'goyles out in Queens... 318 00:13:45,007 --> 00:13:46,243 "'Goyles." We get it. 319 00:13:46,276 --> 00:13:48,882 Low-hanging fruit has never made me laugh. 320 00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:51,053 Your sense of humor is so fucking interesting. 321 00:13:51,086 --> 00:13:53,023 Oh, shut up, you old cooze. 322 00:13:53,057 --> 00:13:54,994 - The Sire! The Sire! - You got it. 323 00:13:55,027 --> 00:13:57,131 A creature that matches that description 324 00:13:57,165 --> 00:13:58,868 was spotted in Ozone Park. 325 00:13:58,902 --> 00:14:00,605 - Ozone Park. Got it. - Come on! 326 00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:03,110 - Thank you. - Uh, wait! Don't you have any hot goss for us? 327 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,580 Quid pro quo, Clarice. 328 00:14:04,613 --> 00:14:06,249 Sorry. Fresh out. 329 00:14:06,283 --> 00:14:07,987 - Got to run! - Oh! Nice! 330 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:09,557 I guess see you next time you need something from us. 331 00:14:09,590 --> 00:14:11,594 - What a pair of messy bitches. - Yeah. 332 00:14:11,627 --> 00:14:13,430 I'm obsessed. 333 00:14:13,464 --> 00:14:15,001 - Sire! - Where's that magic flute 334 00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:16,203 - when you need it? - Shush, Laszlo. 335 00:14:16,236 --> 00:14:17,271 All right, everyone, 336 00:14:17,305 --> 00:14:18,608 stay alert and stay vigilant. 337 00:14:18,641 --> 00:14:20,344 Careful. He might be hiding up a tree. 338 00:14:20,378 --> 00:14:22,048 Oh... 339 00:14:22,081 --> 00:14:23,350 Stop! 340 00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:25,287 - What is that? - Look at these footsteps. 341 00:14:25,321 --> 00:14:27,125 - Something's not right. - Careful! 342 00:14:29,262 --> 00:14:30,565 Just like I suspected. 343 00:14:30,599 --> 00:14:32,235 Vampire piss. 344 00:14:32,268 --> 00:14:34,072 How do you know what vampire piss tastes like? 345 00:14:34,105 --> 00:14:36,443 - Just trust me, okay? - Hmm. 346 00:14:36,477 --> 00:14:38,013 Judging by these tracks, 347 00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:39,950 he's headed... south. 348 00:14:39,984 --> 00:14:42,321 - Oh. - Okay, you heard Piss Man. Let's move. 349 00:14:42,355 --> 00:14:44,927 - She calls for us to move! - I just fucking said it. 350 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,463 She just fucking said it! 351 00:14:46,497 --> 00:14:49,436 I made a posting on the website Nextdoor 352 00:14:49,469 --> 00:14:51,574 asking if anyone saw anything suspicious, 353 00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:53,511 but it-it just kind of turned into 354 00:14:53,545 --> 00:14:55,214 an orgy of racism. 355 00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:57,185 - Okay! Come on! This way! - Oh, we must hurry. 356 00:14:57,218 --> 00:15:00,057 Go, Hellhound. Go, baby. 357 00:15:00,091 --> 00:15:01,928 Careful, careful. 358 00:15:01,961 --> 00:15:04,332 Looks like The Sire stopped for a snack. 359 00:15:04,365 --> 00:15:06,504 - Oh, little snack. - Probably the security guard. 360 00:15:06,537 --> 00:15:09,977 - Yum. - It's like the meat has been sucked out from the inside, 361 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:13,183 like a hairy crab leg. 362 00:15:13,217 --> 00:15:15,054 - He probably took the carcass inside. - The what? 363 00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:16,924 - The "cuh-cass." The "cuh-cass." - Yes, 364 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:18,928 - "cuh-cass." - Which means one thing. 365 00:15:18,962 --> 00:15:20,097 He's trapped. 366 00:15:20,131 --> 00:15:21,667 - This is our chance. - Great. 367 00:15:21,701 --> 00:15:23,470 - Well, you go ahead and we'll wait here. - No! 368 00:15:23,505 --> 00:15:26,276 - All your lives depend on this! - All vampires' lives! 369 00:15:26,309 --> 00:15:28,147 Not mine. Not energy vampires. 370 00:15:28,180 --> 00:15:29,617 This is hopeless. 371 00:15:29,650 --> 00:15:31,554 The sun is going to come up and, when it does, 372 00:15:31,587 --> 00:15:33,658 it's going to kill that thing and then we're all going to die 373 00:15:33,691 --> 00:15:35,629 and it's all because of me! 374 00:15:35,662 --> 00:15:36,667 Fucking... 375 00:15:37,669 --> 00:15:39,703 Stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay? 376 00:15:39,737 --> 00:15:42,075 And help me help you fix this! 377 00:15:43,978 --> 00:15:46,249 Let's go kill that Sire. 378 00:15:46,283 --> 00:15:48,220 - Yeah! - Yes. Well, no, no! 379 00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:50,157 Let's not kill. We're not gonna kill it. 380 00:15:50,191 --> 00:15:52,361 Whoa there, beast! Heel! 381 00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:54,667 - No, we're not gonna kill it, remem... - Cursed brute! 382 00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:56,537 A little help, please? 383 00:15:56,571 --> 00:15:59,543 Wow, that freak really tore this place up. 384 00:15:59,577 --> 00:16:01,647 Where is the ravenous little monster? 385 00:16:01,681 --> 00:16:03,317 Okay, here's what we're gonna do. 386 00:16:03,350 --> 00:16:05,254 Nadja, Laszlo, you'll find The Sire 387 00:16:05,287 --> 00:16:06,991 and corner him to the back of the store 388 00:16:07,024 --> 00:16:09,329 while Colin Robinson, Nandor and myself will be there 389 00:16:09,362 --> 00:16:11,266 waiting for him so he doesn't escape. 390 00:16:11,299 --> 00:16:13,437 And, uh, 391 00:16:13,470 --> 00:16:15,509 Guide Lady and The Baron... 392 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,546 - Mm-hmm. - ... whatever you do, just do it quietly. 393 00:16:17,579 --> 00:16:18,648 Will do. 394 00:16:20,552 --> 00:16:22,455 Come on, my darling. Let's head for the women's intimates. 395 00:16:22,489 --> 00:16:24,325 - This way. - Can you stop flashing that thing in my eyes? 396 00:16:24,359 --> 00:16:25,359 Sorry. 397 00:16:25,361 --> 00:16:27,064 Yoo-hoo! 398 00:16:27,098 --> 00:16:28,568 Grijillium. 399 00:16:28,601 --> 00:16:30,572 Now, if I had my magic flute, 400 00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:32,441 this would all be over in two minutes. 401 00:16:32,476 --> 00:16:34,480 Would you shut the fuck up about your pissing magic flute? 402 00:16:34,513 --> 00:16:36,049 My magic flute works. 403 00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,020 Grianjistun! 404 00:16:39,623 --> 00:16:41,359 Bloody shit! There he is! 405 00:16:41,393 --> 00:16:44,165 - Oh! - Whoa! 406 00:16:44,199 --> 00:16:45,467 Oh! 407 00:16:45,468 --> 00:16:46,571 Whoa! 408 00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:54,319 Shit. 409 00:16:54,352 --> 00:16:56,189 Dring Grinjly. 410 00:16:58,193 --> 00:17:00,464 Gruj-Grujum! 411 00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:01,767 Oh. 412 00:17:01,801 --> 00:17:03,771 Jin-Jingreelij. 413 00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:08,347 We've come to take you home to your lovely, cozy prison cell! 414 00:17:08,380 --> 00:17:09,650 What is he doing? 415 00:17:09,683 --> 00:17:11,186 We need something to get his attention. 416 00:17:11,219 --> 00:17:12,388 Yeah, well, we might be in luck. 417 00:17:12,421 --> 00:17:14,058 We don't have a magic flute. 418 00:17:15,562 --> 00:17:17,599 We got one of these. Don't mind if I do. 419 00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:19,570 Careful. 420 00:17:22,408 --> 00:17:24,312 Oh, yes. That's right. 421 00:17:24,345 --> 00:17:27,118 Come on, big green baby. Yes, come to Mama. 422 00:17:27,151 --> 00:17:28,918 Oh, Laszlo, look out! 423 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:30,959 My darling! 424 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,731 - Fuck me. - Leave him alone! 425 00:17:33,765 --> 00:17:35,100 Stop it! 426 00:17:35,134 --> 00:17:36,637 Leave my husband alone! 427 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:48,360 Laszlo! 428 00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:50,565 My darling! Oh! 429 00:17:50,599 --> 00:17:53,504 Are you dead?! My love. 430 00:17:53,538 --> 00:17:55,542 I think I swallowed the harmonica. 431 00:17:57,178 --> 00:17:58,781 Where is that thing? 432 00:17:59,783 --> 00:18:01,821 If I had more time, I would build something more advanced, 433 00:18:01,854 --> 00:18:03,524 obviously, but... 434 00:18:03,558 --> 00:18:05,528 I think this will get the job done. 435 00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,499 They didn't have any armor, so I had to make do. 436 00:18:07,532 --> 00:18:09,789 - Yeah. See? - Yeah, that'll do it. 437 00:18:09,790 --> 00:18:10,867 - Yes. - Yeah. 438 00:18:10,868 --> 00:18:14,212 All we need now is bait. 439 00:18:15,849 --> 00:18:17,418 No. No. 440 00:18:17,451 --> 00:18:18,688 - Yes. - No. 441 00:18:18,721 --> 00:18:20,391 Why do I have to be tied to this rope? 442 00:18:20,424 --> 00:18:21,694 So that we can yank you back 443 00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,598 moments before you are viciously mauled. 444 00:18:25,234 --> 00:18:27,606 Shit. What the fuck is this? 445 00:18:27,639 --> 00:18:30,545 Greetings and salutations! 446 00:18:30,579 --> 00:18:32,281 Laszlo, enough. 447 00:18:32,315 --> 00:18:34,452 You did not swallow a bloody harmonica. 448 00:18:34,486 --> 00:18:36,524 Yes... I... did. 449 00:18:36,557 --> 00:18:40,532 Human bait. Obviously! We should have done this from the start! 450 00:18:40,565 --> 00:18:42,335 Nice little car, Baron! 451 00:18:42,368 --> 00:18:45,475 Oh, I am controlling it with my mind. 452 00:18:45,508 --> 00:18:47,144 Looking good. 453 00:18:47,178 --> 00:18:48,548 That's great. Where-where is The Sire, though? 454 00:18:48,581 --> 00:18:50,752 He lunged at us. And he moves like lightning. 455 00:18:50,785 --> 00:18:52,489 So be prepared to yank that rope 456 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,493 and the human bait very, very quickly. 457 00:18:54,526 --> 00:18:56,564 Don't care about it. Just yank. 458 00:18:56,597 --> 00:18:58,217 Negabme. 459 00:18:58,218 --> 00:18:59,218 Shit. 460 00:19:01,547 --> 00:19:02,750 Quick! Get out of here! He can see us! 461 00:19:06,316 --> 00:19:08,621 Make yourself look appetizing, Guillermo. 462 00:19:08,655 --> 00:19:10,558 Shake your moneymaker. 463 00:19:11,727 --> 00:19:13,698 Enough of this. 464 00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:17,305 Why did you yank me early? 465 00:19:17,338 --> 00:19:18,708 That's what she said. 466 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:21,446 I just found out about that series of jokes. 467 00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,518 Because you should not be in this situation. 468 00:19:23,558 --> 00:19:25,729 This is all my doing. 469 00:19:25,755 --> 00:19:28,928 I should be the one that goes toe to toe with the beast. 470 00:19:30,665 --> 00:19:32,201 Nandor, wait. 471 00:19:32,241 --> 00:19:36,183 Uh, I have something I need to tell you. 472 00:19:36,209 --> 00:19:37,546 Okay. 473 00:19:38,781 --> 00:19:40,585 I don't think you should wear that helmet, 474 00:19:40,618 --> 00:19:42,723 because it's going to make absolutely no difference 475 00:19:42,756 --> 00:19:45,862 when The Sire is crushing you and mincing you to smithereens. 476 00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,866 - Uh, I... - You look very stupid. 477 00:19:47,899 --> 00:19:50,371 - Okay. - Take it off. 478 00:19:50,404 --> 00:19:53,611 And I appreciate you telling me that. 479 00:19:53,644 --> 00:19:54,780 You are a good friend. 480 00:19:54,813 --> 00:19:56,517 Thanks for nothing. 481 00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,521 - But I was... trying to save... - Wish me luck. 482 00:19:58,554 --> 00:19:59,629 - Luck. - Good luck. 483 00:20:01,097 --> 00:20:05,986 Hello, Mr. Sire! I'm coming to visit with you! 484 00:20:06,011 --> 00:20:07,359 Hey! Hey! 485 00:20:07,384 --> 00:20:10,810 - Hey! Quit! Can you not do that, please?! - Neberme ate. 486 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:13,306 That's not very nice! Hey! 487 00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:14,610 - Neberme ate. - Please don't do that. 488 00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:16,614 What is Nandor doing? 489 00:20:16,647 --> 00:20:18,483 The beast just wants to be free. 490 00:20:18,517 --> 00:20:20,889 - Neberme ate. - Ha-ha! Can't catch me! Ow! 491 00:20:20,922 --> 00:20:23,694 - How do you know that? - Well, that is what it keeps saying. 492 00:20:23,728 --> 00:20:27,468 "Neberme ate." Which means "do not take me back" 493 00:20:27,501 --> 00:20:29,740 in the ancient vampire tongue. 494 00:20:29,773 --> 00:20:31,342 I thought we all knew this. 495 00:20:31,376 --> 00:20:32,478 You speak its language? 496 00:20:32,511 --> 00:20:33,915 But of course. 497 00:20:33,948 --> 00:20:35,919 - Master, wait! I'm coming! - Wh... 498 00:20:35,952 --> 00:20:38,624 - Whoa! - It's fine. It's going great. 499 00:20:38,658 --> 00:20:40,461 I think he's getting tired. 500 00:20:40,494 --> 00:20:43,033 - Speak to it. Speak to it. - Why should I have to speak... 501 00:20:43,066 --> 00:20:44,603 Ko ne dabas, mek? 502 00:20:46,072 --> 00:20:49,045 Ow. 503 00:20:49,078 --> 00:20:50,347 Ne, ne, ne. 504 00:21:02,071 --> 00:21:04,509 Oh, oh! 505 00:21:04,542 --> 00:21:06,947 What's so G-damn funny? 506 00:21:06,981 --> 00:21:09,018 Oh. Ladies and gentlemen, 507 00:21:09,051 --> 00:21:10,788 everything is okay now. 508 00:21:10,822 --> 00:21:13,360 Uh, you see, Goëjlrm here thought 509 00:21:13,393 --> 00:21:15,568 - that you guys wanted to kill him. - We did. 510 00:21:15,569 --> 00:21:16,399 - What? - No, it... No. 511 00:21:16,432 --> 00:21:17,501 No, no, no, no. 512 00:21:17,535 --> 00:21:18,905 Of course not! 513 00:21:18,938 --> 00:21:20,541 But now that he has been fed 514 00:21:20,575 --> 00:21:23,513 and knows that he is safe, everything is okay. 515 00:21:23,547 --> 00:21:27,656 - Oh. - Enter kate ne atgavo. 516 00:21:27,689 --> 00:21:30,394 Ah. And if you try to put him back in that cell, 517 00:21:30,427 --> 00:21:32,097 he's going to rip each of your throats out. 518 00:21:32,131 --> 00:21:33,713 - Fair enough. - Eh. 519 00:21:33,714 --> 00:21:35,838 We could add some extra hay, you know, 520 00:21:35,872 --> 00:21:37,254 maybe a rope swing. 521 00:21:37,254 --> 00:21:39,325 Enter kate ne atgavo! 522 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:40,523 Copy that! 523 00:21:40,524 --> 00:21:42,198 Makes perfect sense. 524 00:21:42,231 --> 00:21:43,333 Come on, old friend. 525 00:21:43,368 --> 00:21:45,337 No one's going to hurt you. 526 00:21:45,372 --> 00:21:48,745 Can I just say, on behalf of us... 527 00:21:48,778 --> 00:21:51,149 Oh, fuck it. Doesn't matter. 528 00:21:52,184 --> 00:21:53,621 So we were able to get The Sire 529 00:21:53,655 --> 00:21:56,460 back under Vampiric Council control. 530 00:21:56,494 --> 00:21:59,466 See? No one's going to hurt you. We are all, uh, your friends. 531 00:21:59,507 --> 00:22:02,345 Turns out The Sire had an absolutely excellent sense 532 00:22:02,372 --> 00:22:04,175 of humor. Very dry. 533 00:22:04,208 --> 00:22:06,447 Do you think he'd mind it if I pulled his tail? 534 00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:07,749 - He likes it! - No, no. 535 00:22:07,783 --> 00:22:09,720 Nandor, leave it, you fucking idiot. 536 00:22:09,753 --> 00:22:11,189 And we have sorted out 537 00:22:11,222 --> 00:22:13,394 a much more suitable living situation. 538 00:22:13,428 --> 00:22:14,930 For all involved. 539 00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:18,236 Well, frankly, it has turned out 540 00:22:18,270 --> 00:22:20,842 to be a pretty terrific setup for all three of us. 541 00:22:20,875 --> 00:22:23,481 - Butam vednum. - Oh. 542 00:22:23,514 --> 00:22:25,352 Goëjlrm has comfort 543 00:22:25,385 --> 00:22:28,624 and space and companionship. 544 00:22:28,658 --> 00:22:31,630 Neves ton tyeknon itho? 545 00:22:31,664 --> 00:22:33,668 Yes, that infernal squirrel. 546 00:22:33,701 --> 00:22:35,505 It drives him to madness. 547 00:22:35,538 --> 00:22:38,811 And the hound has been able to really be itself. 548 00:22:41,282 --> 00:22:42,686 Ah, well, 549 00:22:42,719 --> 00:22:45,825 I am thankful to no longer be suckling 550 00:22:45,859 --> 00:22:48,230 blood-soaked dirt underground. 551 00:22:49,833 --> 00:22:51,269 Oh. 552 00:22:52,304 --> 00:22:53,641 It is time. 553 00:22:53,674 --> 00:22:56,480 And we are able to regularly feed thanks 554 00:22:56,514 --> 00:22:59,953 to the online service Airbnb.com. 555 00:22:59,987 --> 00:23:04,663 Hello. Is this the Rustic Remote Airbnb rental? 556 00:23:04,696 --> 00:23:06,667 Yes. Do come in. 557 00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,938 You're just in time for... 558 00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:09,973 dinner. 559 00:23:11,277 --> 00:23:13,926 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -