1
00:00:12,890 --> 00:00:15,289
I say, I was just thinking...
2
00:00:15,300 --> 00:00:19,097
"I'll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.
3
00:00:19,108 --> 00:00:21,671
- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.
4
00:00:21,682 --> 00:00:24,411
I was just thinking, now that
Gizmo is no longer with us,
5
00:00:24,422 --> 00:00:25,957
perhaps we could repurpose that space
6
00:00:26,570 --> 00:00:28,580
under the stairs that
he used to live in.
7
00:00:28,591 --> 00:00:30,110
- So mean!
- What?
8
00:00:30,121 --> 00:00:31,743
You know that it gives Nandor the pip
9
00:00:31,754 --> 00:00:33,837
when he hears about his
old bouncing little buddy.
10
00:00:33,848 --> 00:00:36,500
I don't even know what
you guys are talking about.
11
00:00:36,511 --> 00:00:38,583
- Guillermo.
- Who?
12
00:00:38,594 --> 00:00:42,218
The servant boy who used to live
in the rathole under the stairs.
13
00:00:42,229 --> 00:00:43,991
I remember it was the perfect place
14
00:00:44,002 --> 00:00:47,018
for me to store my precious volumes.
15
00:00:47,029 --> 00:00:51,136
I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo lived here,
16
00:00:51,147 --> 00:00:54,116
I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."
17
00:00:54,127 --> 00:00:58,485
No, I think you'll find I grabbed
that space as soon as we moved in.
18
00:00:58,496 --> 00:01:00,040
Do you know who would remember?
19
00:01:00,051 --> 00:01:01,093
Who?
20
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,520
- Jerry.
- Yes.
21
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:04,921
- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.
22
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,215
- Yes.
- Good old Jerry.
23
00:01:06,226 --> 00:01:08,637
- Jerry would remember everything.
- Yes.
24
00:01:08,648 --> 00:01:09,788
Sorry. Who's Jerry?
25
00:01:12,998 --> 00:01:16,553
Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.
26
00:01:16,624 --> 00:01:19,420
Jerry's a good guy. Solid vampire.
27
00:01:19,431 --> 00:01:20,918
Jerry was a real leader.
28
00:01:20,929 --> 00:01:22,413
- A man with a plan.
- Yep.
29
00:01:22,424 --> 00:01:26,221
Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire.
30
00:01:26,293 --> 00:01:29,331
I mean, the man is all
vampire, no bullshit.
31
00:01:29,331 --> 00:01:31,518
Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire."
32
00:01:31,529 --> 00:01:35,049
No frills, no chills. No "Blah,
blah, blah the Relentless"
33
00:01:35,233 --> 00:01:37,166
or "Vlad the Whatever."
34
00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:41,590
"Jerry the Vampire."
Bam! Thank you, mister.
35
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:45,260
Jerry and I used to have
these really long talks,
36
00:01:45,416 --> 00:01:47,418
and he'd actually listen to me.
37
00:01:47,418 --> 00:01:50,906
He might have been the only person
in this house that actually liked me.
38
00:01:50,917 --> 00:01:52,186
That's true.
39
00:01:52,197 --> 00:01:54,897
- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.
40
00:01:54,908 --> 00:01:56,772
Whatever happened to Jerry?
41
00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:02,111
- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.
42
00:02:02,538 --> 00:02:04,506
- Shit. Shit. Fuck.
- What?
43
00:02:04,517 --> 00:02:07,328
- I hope Jerry is okay.
- This is a real mess-up!
44
00:02:07,339 --> 00:02:11,758
Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.
45
00:02:12,029 --> 00:02:15,714
Where they will stay
sleeping for decades and decades.
46
00:02:15,725 --> 00:02:19,349
- Awakening only when their f...
- Their fellow vampires wake them up.
47
00:02:19,360 --> 00:02:25,125
We, um, forgot to wake Jerry
up from his super slumber. Oops.
48
00:02:26,724 --> 00:02:29,244
Which is an easy thing to forget
49
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:31,978
because we had a lot going on.
50
00:02:31,989 --> 00:02:33,643
We did. So much.
51
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:38,935
And also, because Jerry had requested
to be woken up on New Year's Eve.
52
00:02:38,946 --> 00:02:41,466
New Year's Eve, 1996.
53
00:02:41,921 --> 00:02:43,267
Right.
54
00:02:43,957 --> 00:02:45,441
This one's on us.
55
00:03:15,928 --> 00:03:20,928
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
56
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,982
Does anyone remember where
Jerry's super-slumber coffin is?
57
00:03:24,922 --> 00:03:26,035
Jerry?
58
00:03:26,046 --> 00:03:28,473
Shh. Don't scream his name like that.
59
00:03:28,484 --> 00:03:31,315
We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.
60
00:03:31,315 --> 00:03:34,050
- Jerry?
- Guys, guys, guys.
61
00:03:34,061 --> 00:03:36,616
- Here he is. It's Jerry.
- Oh, gosh.
62
00:03:38,667 --> 00:03:41,497
Jerry? Oh, Jerry?
63
00:03:44,820 --> 00:03:46,822
- Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
- No, no, no.
64
00:03:46,833 --> 00:03:48,815
What have we done?
65
00:03:48,826 --> 00:03:50,885
Jerry seems to have broken up into seven
66
00:03:50,895 --> 00:03:53,424
or eight pieces that
smell like old meat.
67
00:03:53,435 --> 00:03:55,575
- Hold on. This isn't Jerry.
- What?
68
00:03:55,586 --> 00:03:58,348
These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment
69
00:03:58,411 --> 00:03:59,722
I abandoned decades ago.
70
00:04:00,849 --> 00:04:02,920
Couldn't be fucked,
so I just left it all.
71
00:04:02,931 --> 00:04:05,830
To create life. To use science itself...
72
00:04:05,841 --> 00:04:09,707
chemical galvanism, electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera...
73
00:04:09,905 --> 00:04:12,315
to reanimate dead tissue.
74
00:04:12,326 --> 00:04:18,021
Now, whomever unlocks that
mystery, is not a man, but a god.
75
00:04:18,627 --> 00:04:20,056
Like Frankenstein.
76
00:04:21,916 --> 00:04:24,953
- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
77
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:26,709
Never heard of him.
78
00:04:27,060 --> 00:04:28,093
Right.
79
00:04:28,104 --> 00:04:31,522
Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature
80
00:04:31,697 --> 00:04:35,839
that the world will hail
as Cravensworth's new man.
81
00:04:35,850 --> 00:04:39,439
Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come
and help them lift this coffin lid.
82
00:04:39,648 --> 00:04:40,684
Sorry, my darling.
83
00:04:54,186 --> 00:04:55,877
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
84
00:04:56,282 --> 00:05:02,751
Wow, that was a long one. Happy
New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.
85
00:05:02,751 --> 00:05:05,719
- Finally.
- So fun. You're all looking well.
86
00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:08,101
- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.
87
00:05:08,101 --> 00:05:11,195
Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever.
88
00:05:11,206 --> 00:05:13,622
Jerry, you're still buttering
me up like the old days.
89
00:05:13,762 --> 00:05:16,578
Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume.
90
00:05:16,589 --> 00:05:19,005
- You presume correctly. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
91
00:05:19,502 --> 00:05:20,606
Hey, Jer-bear.
92
00:05:21,949 --> 00:05:25,970
- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.
93
00:05:25,981 --> 00:05:27,949
Good to see you as well.
94
00:05:27,949 --> 00:05:30,112
So, how did it go?
95
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,264
Uh, how did what go?
96
00:05:33,264 --> 00:05:34,990
Conquering the New World.
97
00:05:34,990 --> 00:05:37,130
I would have given anything
to have been there for it,
98
00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:40,158
- but I really needed that super slumber.
- I bet.
99
00:05:40,169 --> 00:05:42,965
So, did you end up conquering
just the United States
100
00:05:43,205 --> 00:05:44,793
or did you end up deciding
101
00:05:44,793 --> 00:05:46,968
that the New World means
Canada and Mexico as well?
102
00:05:48,397 --> 00:05:51,262
So you let me sleep
for 50 years instead of 20.
103
00:05:52,180 --> 00:05:55,966
During which time, you
conquered your street?
104
00:05:56,129 --> 00:05:57,771
- Yes.
- And part of...
105
00:05:57,771 --> 00:05:59,715
- Part of Ashley Street.
- Right.
106
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:02,764
- Actually, most of Ashley Street. So...
- Yes.
107
00:06:02,930 --> 00:06:04,065
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
108
00:06:04,076 --> 00:06:06,010
Again, you've showed
me whatever this thing is
109
00:06:06,021 --> 00:06:07,703
where you can have a
television in your pocket.
110
00:06:07,714 --> 00:06:10,993
No, I know. But you asked what
you've missed over the last 50 years.
111
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,615
So, I just thought you should see this.
112
00:06:13,615 --> 00:06:15,410
What is this supposed to be?
113
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:18,309
Well, it's a bit of a brain teaser.
114
00:06:18,309 --> 00:06:21,830
Does the dress look white and
gold or black and blue to you?
115
00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:25,351
Okay. Stop. But the
fact that vampires exist,
116
00:06:25,351 --> 00:06:27,238
that's still a secret, right?
117
00:06:27,249 --> 00:06:28,752
Humans don't know about that.
118
00:06:28,763 --> 00:06:31,628
Yes, totally. Got no idea.
119
00:06:31,639 --> 00:06:35,988
Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty
120
00:06:35,999 --> 00:06:37,817
from prying human eyes.
121
00:06:37,828 --> 00:06:39,519
And those who are too curious...
122
00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:41,774
well, they'll spend their
last moments ruing the day
123
00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:44,719
they poked their noses in
where they weren't belonging.
124
00:06:45,252 --> 00:06:46,658
- What he said.
- Right.
125
00:06:46,669 --> 00:06:50,777
But then, why is there a human
camera crew here filming everything?
126
00:06:54,552 --> 00:06:58,039
Oh, them. No. You
don't need to worry about them
127
00:06:58,039 --> 00:06:59,557
because, Jerry, they're cool. So...
128
00:06:59,557 --> 00:07:00,903
Yes, very cool.
129
00:07:00,914 --> 00:07:03,813
Do you even know who they're
going to show all this to?
130
00:07:04,225 --> 00:07:05,354
Um...
131
00:07:05,365 --> 00:07:07,002
You gotta hear this.
132
00:07:07,013 --> 00:07:08,613
What? What is this?
133
00:07:08,624 --> 00:07:12,248
It's a pretty comprehensive
list of the things you've missed.
134
00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:15,161
Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.
135
00:07:15,228 --> 00:07:17,196
- Colin.
- Isn't that what I said?
136
00:07:17,196 --> 00:07:19,074
No, you said Carl.
137
00:07:19,085 --> 00:07:21,432
South Pacific, Walter
Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.
138
00:07:21,579 --> 00:07:24,237
I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?
139
00:07:24,237 --> 00:07:28,552
Well, it stops in 1988 around
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
140
00:07:28,552 --> 00:07:31,693
- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!
141
00:07:31,693 --> 00:07:35,283
Okay. Not now, guy. Can
somebody just please tell me
142
00:07:35,283 --> 00:07:37,733
what is our current dark purpose,
143
00:07:37,733 --> 00:07:40,771
and why are we letting
these humans know about it?
144
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,356
Um...
145
00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:44,742
- Yes?
- Sit down.
146
00:07:44,753 --> 00:07:45,802
Never mind.
147
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:48,402
Jerry has been asking a
lot of questions lately
148
00:07:48,623 --> 00:07:53,455
about things I haven't
thought about in a long while.
149
00:07:53,466 --> 00:07:56,642
Things that make you
go, "Hmm" so to speak.
150
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,972
Yes. Hmm.
151
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,427
- Come on. In here.
- Sure of it? Yep.
152
00:08:05,438 --> 00:08:09,442
Okay. Sorry, I just need a private
moment with Nandor. So...
153
00:08:09,453 --> 00:08:11,007
- What?
- Just wait a second.
154
00:08:13,148 --> 00:08:16,462
Okay. Why do we allow a camera crew
155
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,418
to document our every moves?
156
00:08:18,429 --> 00:08:22,433
But who would not want to document
the lives of three exalted vampires?
157
00:08:22,622 --> 00:08:24,010
And also Colin Robinson.
158
00:08:24,021 --> 00:08:26,909
Obviously. But why do we allow it?
159
00:08:27,163 --> 00:08:28,396
Hmm.
160
00:08:28,407 --> 00:08:30,685
- Right?
- You know who would remember?
161
00:08:30,752 --> 00:08:32,302
Guillermo would remember.
162
00:08:32,313 --> 00:08:34,695
- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can't do that.
163
00:08:34,963 --> 00:08:36,620
No, no, no, he has a new life now.
164
00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:38,553
He has a new home. He has a new job.
165
00:08:38,553 --> 00:08:40,141
Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.
166
00:08:41,142 --> 00:08:44,179
Fine.
167
00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:48,804
Hello. We are going
to visit Guillermo in his new home.
168
00:08:48,804 --> 00:08:52,981
This way. You may not
like where he lives now.
169
00:08:52,981 --> 00:08:55,243
I do not like where any human lives.
170
00:08:55,254 --> 00:08:57,962
There is always a sink and a couch
171
00:08:57,973 --> 00:09:00,329
and a drawer full of spoons.
172
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:03,722
Well, you know, I actually helped
Guillermo to find his new home.
173
00:09:03,733 --> 00:09:05,632
Well, because he was
looking for his independence,
174
00:09:05,718 --> 00:09:07,756
and I kind of felt I owed him.
175
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:10,632
It's okay to admit that you
just miss him a little bit.
176
00:09:10,643 --> 00:09:13,370
Please, Nadja. Familiars,
they come, and they go.
177
00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:15,600
You know, you cannot get too attached.
178
00:09:15,611 --> 00:09:17,924
Most of them are killed in
the line of duty anyways.
179
00:09:17,935 --> 00:09:20,834
That's just the circle
of life. And here we are.
180
00:09:21,914 --> 00:09:24,779
What? I thought he
had his own apartment.
181
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:28,310
Well, he does in Laszlo's old
garden shed where he used to jack off.
182
00:09:30,846 --> 00:09:33,815
Let's see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
183
00:09:33,815 --> 00:09:35,023
Who is it?
184
00:09:35,023 --> 00:09:37,819
Hi, guys.
185
00:09:37,819 --> 00:09:40,201
So, yeah, I moved into
Laszlo's garden shed.
186
00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:44,582
There's a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say.
187
00:09:44,593 --> 00:09:47,734
And there was some really big
stains that I couldn't identify.
188
00:09:48,272 --> 00:09:50,211
I was gonna get my own place eventually,
189
00:09:50,211 --> 00:09:54,044
but I looked around for a while and
realized I cannot afford anything.
190
00:09:54,055 --> 00:09:55,443
So, when Nandor offered that I could
191
00:09:55,454 --> 00:09:57,853
stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.
192
00:09:57,864 --> 00:09:59,245
Sign me up.
193
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:02,421
So, Guillermo, how long
have you lived here?
194
00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:04,375
- Months.
- Months?
195
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:06,369
- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?
196
00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:07,898
- Yeah.
- This is actually the first time
197
00:10:07,909 --> 00:10:11,669
- I've seen Guillermo since he left. So...
- Bullshit.
198
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:14,269
Actually, no, he's telling the truth.
199
00:10:14,269 --> 00:10:17,238
We've maintained really good
boundaries about not seeing each other
200
00:10:17,238 --> 00:10:19,550
till I get my life together.
201
00:10:19,550 --> 00:10:21,242
And where do you make toilet?
202
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,693
Hmm? Uh, I'm always at work,
203
00:10:24,693 --> 00:10:27,109
so I just save it till I'm at work.
204
00:10:27,109 --> 00:10:31,044
Work. And how is your new career going?
205
00:10:31,044 --> 00:10:32,494
I work at a restaurant.
206
00:10:32,647 --> 00:10:34,278
Panera Bread?
207
00:10:34,689 --> 00:10:37,416
- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just...
208
00:10:37,427 --> 00:10:39,866
- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?
209
00:10:39,877 --> 00:10:42,052
You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?
210
00:10:43,725 --> 00:10:47,143
And how is your new master at Panera?
211
00:10:47,326 --> 00:10:49,535
My boss? Actually, he's good. He's...
212
00:10:49,546 --> 00:10:51,513
Guillermo, what is this bucket?
213
00:10:51,513 --> 00:10:54,344
You know what? It's getting
late, and I have to be up early.
214
00:10:54,344 --> 00:10:55,897
So, I think probably just...
215
00:10:55,908 --> 00:10:58,329
Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.
216
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,435
I was wondering what the smell was that
217
00:11:00,518 --> 00:11:02,379
was here when I got here months ago.
218
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,457
- So that's what that was.
- The point is this,
219
00:11:04,457 --> 00:11:10,567
Jerry has inquired as to why we
allow the documentary crew to film us.
220
00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:12,983
- Wait. Who's Jerry?
- Never mind. Doesn't matter who Jerry is.
221
00:11:12,983 --> 00:11:14,709
You miss a little, you miss a lot.
222
00:11:14,709 --> 00:11:17,919
- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'm taking this bucket with me.
223
00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:19,541
No, wait. Why?
224
00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:22,395
Why not?
225
00:11:22,406 --> 00:11:24,304
See you in another
month or two, Guillermo.
226
00:11:24,315 --> 00:11:25,765
- Man, human form!
- Well, look who it is!
227
00:11:25,996 --> 00:11:27,342
- Hello, my darling.
- Hi.
228
00:11:27,342 --> 00:11:28,723
Yes. That's my love.
229
00:11:28,723 --> 00:11:29,965
Jerry and I've just had a feed.
230
00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:31,864
I had to warn him about the modern roads
231
00:11:31,864 --> 00:11:33,989
with the steel horses
with their rubber feet.
232
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,176
Again, I know what a fucking car
is. I wasn't asleep that long.
233
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,348
- Laszlo, you sly dog.
- What...
234
00:11:41,359 --> 00:11:42,495
You.
235
00:11:42,495 --> 00:11:44,264
Congratulations, my friend.
236
00:11:44,275 --> 00:11:46,764
- I thought you said you didn't finish him.
- Finish what?
237
00:11:46,775 --> 00:11:50,020
Your monster... made of cadaver
parts and reanimated to give it life.
238
00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,964
Jerry, that is Guillermo.
239
00:11:51,975 --> 00:11:54,219
Did you see? He looked
when you said his name.
240
00:11:54,230 --> 00:11:56,336
No, uh, he's human.
241
00:11:56,943 --> 00:11:57,959
A human amongst us?
242
00:11:57,959 --> 00:11:59,270
- Yes.
- I'll handle this.
243
00:11:59,270 --> 00:12:00,548
- No. Uh, Jerry.
- No.
244
00:12:00,548 --> 00:12:02,584
Jerry, no, no. This is Guillermo.
245
00:12:02,584 --> 00:12:05,173
He's okay. He's our familiar.
246
00:12:05,173 --> 00:12:08,832
Ah. Okay. Apologies.
247
00:12:08,832 --> 00:12:10,926
Familiar, go fetch my
coffin from the basement.
248
00:12:10,937 --> 00:12:15,700
Uh, the thing is, Jerry,
he's not our familiar anymore.
249
00:12:15,711 --> 00:12:17,713
Okay. Why does he still live here?
250
00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:20,313
- Good question.
- It's a long story.
251
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:21,946
- Yeah. Look at this.
- Don't.
252
00:12:21,957 --> 00:12:24,028
Fine, but if someone asks you
253
00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:26,435
why Michael Dukakis
was riding on a tank,
254
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:29,277
you're not gonna know what to
say. You're gonna look dumb, Jerry.
255
00:12:29,727 --> 00:12:31,176
It's pretty good.
256
00:12:31,187 --> 00:12:35,122
So you haven't managed to reanimate
dead flesh to create new life?
257
00:12:35,376 --> 00:12:37,447
- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.
258
00:12:37,447 --> 00:12:39,656
If you haven't been working on
that, what have you been doing?
259
00:12:39,656 --> 00:12:42,383
- Tending my vulva garden.
- Indeed.
260
00:12:44,465 --> 00:12:47,088
Uh, Nandor, can I see
you for a moment inside?
261
00:12:47,215 --> 00:12:49,597
Certainly, Jerry. This way.
262
00:12:49,776 --> 00:12:51,317
He seems nice.
263
00:12:51,806 --> 00:12:54,049
I turned Guillermo
into a human, which was a hassle,
264
00:12:54,049 --> 00:12:55,844
- but for the best...
- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second.
265
00:12:55,844 --> 00:12:57,950
- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?
266
00:12:57,950 --> 00:13:00,573
Me, Jerry? I'm great. Why do you ask?
267
00:13:00,573 --> 00:13:04,197
It's just... The old Nandor, the
Nandor I knew before I went to sleep?
268
00:13:04,197 --> 00:13:06,545
- That's me.
- Is it though?
269
00:13:06,545 --> 00:13:10,031
You were Nandor the fucking Relentless,
270
00:13:10,031 --> 00:13:13,759
a killer of men, a
conqueror of continents.
271
00:13:13,759 --> 00:13:16,037
- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?
272
00:13:16,037 --> 00:13:17,487
Very good questions, Jerry.
273
00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,701
The fuck happened around here?
274
00:13:27,143 --> 00:13:30,180
Well, I'm going to turn
in before the sun comes up.
275
00:13:30,191 --> 00:13:32,263
- Get back on a normal schedule.
- Good night, Jerry.
276
00:13:32,508 --> 00:13:33,681
The fuck is that?
277
00:13:33,692 --> 00:13:35,107
That is my dolly.
278
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:38,059
She contains the ghost
of my dead human form
279
00:13:38,059 --> 00:13:40,095
from before I became
a vampire, you know.
280
00:13:40,095 --> 00:13:42,477
Right. Cool.
281
00:13:42,477 --> 00:13:43,858
- Anyways...
- Good night, Jerry.
282
00:13:43,858 --> 00:13:45,100
- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.
283
00:13:46,007 --> 00:13:48,527
I hadn't finished speaking. Uh.
284
00:13:49,553 --> 00:13:51,412
Good night, Kyle-in.
285
00:13:51,762 --> 00:13:53,868
- Good to have you back, old chap.
- Good to be back.
286
00:13:53,868 --> 00:13:55,870
And good to see you
two getting along again.
287
00:13:55,870 --> 00:13:57,285
What's he talking about, my darling?
288
00:13:57,285 --> 00:13:59,805
When I went under, you two
weren't speaking at all.
289
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:01,841
You hadn't spoken in five or six years.
290
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,464
Really? I think I'd
remember something like that.
291
00:14:03,464 --> 00:14:04,913
Um. Me too.
292
00:14:04,913 --> 00:14:07,122
Maybe it was a different
Laszlo and Nadja.
293
00:14:07,122 --> 00:14:09,033
It was a long time ago, I guess.
294
00:14:09,044 --> 00:14:12,220
Literally 50 years ago,
which, again, was not the plan.
295
00:14:12,327 --> 00:14:15,434
Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo
296
00:14:15,447 --> 00:14:18,518
had such a big argument that we
didn't speak for about five years?
297
00:14:18,548 --> 00:14:21,136
- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?
298
00:14:21,136 --> 00:14:22,196
It couldn't have been that bad.
299
00:14:22,206 --> 00:14:23,484
I'm sure it's water
under the bridge now.
300
00:14:23,484 --> 00:14:25,693
You wanted to go out and get a real job
301
00:14:25,693 --> 00:14:29,006
because of your morbid
fascination with regular folks.
302
00:14:29,006 --> 00:14:32,354
- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.
303
00:14:32,354 --> 00:14:34,978
- He said it was too "dangerous-uh"...
- Yeah.
304
00:14:34,978 --> 00:14:36,686
... for you to be out on your own
305
00:14:36,696 --> 00:14:39,154
without his protection or some bullshit.
306
00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:42,157
You longhead streak of British piss!
307
00:14:42,157 --> 00:14:43,814
Who are you to say that
I need your protection?
308
00:14:43,814 --> 00:14:46,161
If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,
309
00:14:46,161 --> 00:14:49,164
I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
310
00:14:49,164 --> 00:14:52,513
- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what? You can get fucked.
311
00:14:52,513 --> 00:14:55,516
How dare you talk to me like
that with that salty tongue?
312
00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:57,621
- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?
313
00:14:57,621 --> 00:15:00,834
Can't you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?
314
00:15:00,845 --> 00:15:04,952
Jerry was one of the only
real friends that I ever had.
315
00:15:05,318 --> 00:15:07,411
At least I thought he was.
316
00:15:07,422 --> 00:15:12,185
It's pretty obvious, though,
that the guy doesn't remember me.
317
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,088
Jerry is right, of course.
318
00:15:14,155 --> 00:15:15,570
What have I become?
319
00:15:15,570 --> 00:15:18,576
My own familiar humiliates
me and what do I do?
320
00:15:18,587 --> 00:15:23,281
Murder him? Nah, I become his landlord.
321
00:15:23,371 --> 00:15:26,408
Where did I lose my way?
322
00:15:26,408 --> 00:15:27,582
Jerry's right, of course.
323
00:15:27,582 --> 00:15:29,550
I staked my entire reputation
324
00:15:29,550 --> 00:15:31,206
on being a man of science.
325
00:15:31,206 --> 00:15:34,382
A man to create life from dead tissue.
326
00:15:34,598 --> 00:15:36,004
And what did I do?
327
00:15:36,004 --> 00:15:38,593
I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence
328
00:15:38,593 --> 00:15:41,976
and spent the last 50 years
pulling my pud.
329
00:15:41,976 --> 00:15:45,255
Who the hell is Laszlo
to forbid anything?
330
00:15:45,255 --> 00:15:47,395
Think of what I could have become
331
00:15:47,395 --> 00:15:50,363
if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.
332
00:15:50,363 --> 00:15:52,538
That's right, girl. Don't let
these motherfuckers hold you back.
333
00:15:52,758 --> 00:15:54,070
Yes. Exactly.
334
00:15:54,317 --> 00:15:55,403
Truth.
335
00:15:55,403 --> 00:15:57,578
A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,
336
00:15:57,578 --> 00:16:01,563
which would ordinarily be a
feast for an energy vampire.
337
00:16:01,574 --> 00:16:06,579
But it's too much of a good
thing and it's starting to show.
338
00:16:06,590 --> 00:16:09,559
I'm not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,
339
00:16:09,659 --> 00:16:11,807
but it keeps soaking in
340
00:16:11,818 --> 00:16:15,063
and I'll be damned if it
doesn't go straight to my hips.
341
00:16:15,216 --> 00:16:18,909
Guillermo, do you think you might
respect me more if I had killed you?
342
00:16:19,565 --> 00:16:21,429
What? No.
343
00:16:21,429 --> 00:16:23,419
I think that was a
very nice thing you did.
344
00:16:23,430 --> 00:16:26,054
- Not killing me.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
345
00:16:26,054 --> 00:16:28,609
Formerly known as Nandor the Relentless,
346
00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:32,405
now known as Nandor
the kind-of-nice guy.
347
00:16:32,405 --> 00:16:36,306
Gizmo, I want you to have
my scientific devices.
348
00:16:36,306 --> 00:16:40,310
I won't be needing them
anymore. I do not deserve them.
349
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:43,658
My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.
350
00:16:43,658 --> 00:16:45,660
- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?
351
00:16:45,660 --> 00:16:48,401
Do you think that would make a
difference? The moment has passed.
352
00:16:48,412 --> 00:16:50,412
You sure you wanna get rid of
this? Looks pretty expensive.
353
00:16:50,423 --> 00:16:52,446
Well, that there is my anal speculum.
354
00:16:52,457 --> 00:16:56,427
It's tarnished from years of use,
but you're more than welcome to it.
355
00:16:57,023 --> 00:16:58,599
Guillermo, I need you to do me a
356
00:16:58,609 --> 00:17:01,089
favor and please tell the pompous trout
357
00:17:01,089 --> 00:17:03,532
with a woman's haircut,
also known as Laszlo,
358
00:17:03,543 --> 00:17:05,646
that he needs to move his
coffin from our bedroom
359
00:17:05,646 --> 00:17:07,340
to the couch in the library.
360
00:17:07,351 --> 00:17:10,182
- But he's right there.
- Gizmo, would you please tell my wife
361
00:17:10,193 --> 00:17:11,919
if she wishes to kick
a man while he's down,
362
00:17:11,997 --> 00:17:13,446
to do so in writing?
363
00:17:13,446 --> 00:17:15,759
What is going on with you guys?
364
00:17:15,759 --> 00:17:18,831
- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.
365
00:17:18,831 --> 00:17:21,662
I used to live in the house
right over there with you.
366
00:17:21,662 --> 00:17:22,870
Colin, I know who you are.
367
00:17:22,870 --> 00:17:24,250
At least somebody does.
368
00:17:24,250 --> 00:17:26,805
Okay, this is not my place, not my job,
369
00:17:26,805 --> 00:17:28,245
but clearly something's wrong.
370
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:30,084
And I think we can
all agree what that is.
371
00:17:30,490 --> 00:17:32,500
That I have become a total pussy?
372
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:35,814
- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?
373
00:17:35,814 --> 00:17:38,195
- That my pants don't fit anymore?
- No.
374
00:17:38,195 --> 00:17:41,198
I was gonna say it's Jerry.
375
00:17:41,198 --> 00:17:44,278
- What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.
376
00:17:44,289 --> 00:17:46,134
I know, I'm sure Jerry is a great,
377
00:17:46,134 --> 00:17:47,413
- fantastic guy...
- He is.
378
00:17:47,424 --> 00:17:49,690
... but, you know, something
happens when you add a new person
379
00:17:49,690 --> 00:17:51,484
into a group of friends.
380
00:17:51,484 --> 00:17:52,658
It throws off the dynamic.
381
00:17:52,658 --> 00:17:54,695
But you were the new person.
382
00:17:54,695 --> 00:17:57,363
- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that's harsh,
383
00:17:57,374 --> 00:18:00,102
but I made it work because
I did whatever it took
384
00:18:00,297 --> 00:18:02,323
to make all of you happy.
385
00:18:02,323 --> 00:18:05,706
I mean, I ate your shit over and over.
386
00:18:05,706 --> 00:18:07,915
I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.
387
00:18:07,915 --> 00:18:10,529
Okay, is this your sneaky, slimy,
388
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:11,867
little way of letting us know that you
389
00:18:11,878 --> 00:18:13,128
want to move back into the house with us
390
00:18:13,139 --> 00:18:15,245
- and start working for us again?
- We accept.
391
00:18:15,405 --> 00:18:18,974
- No. No, absolutely not.
- I was just joking, you know,
392
00:18:18,985 --> 00:18:21,226
because we're doing
just fine without you.
393
00:18:21,237 --> 00:18:24,689
Great. The point is, I'm sure
Jerry was a great friend, right?
394
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,461
- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,
395
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,176
but it's just not working anymore.
396
00:18:28,187 --> 00:18:31,328
And you all need to be honest
with yourself and with him.
397
00:18:31,559 --> 00:18:32,895
- He's right.
- Thank you.
398
00:18:32,906 --> 00:18:35,426
Guillermo, can you please tell
the man who just said "he's right"
399
00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:38,201
that I reluctantly agree with him?
400
00:18:38,255 --> 00:18:41,707
Okay, Guillermo is right. We will fix.
401
00:18:41,707 --> 00:18:43,143
- Great.
- Great.
402
00:18:43,154 --> 00:18:44,846
- I'll see you out. Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?
403
00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:46,781
- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.
404
00:18:47,055 --> 00:18:48,565
Will you help us fix this?
405
00:18:48,576 --> 00:18:51,406
What part of "I don't work
for you" don't you understand?
406
00:18:51,417 --> 00:18:53,445
Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar
407
00:18:53,582 --> 00:18:56,722
or as a preeminent former shit-eater
408
00:18:56,722 --> 00:18:59,104
of Staten Island, but
as a former friend.
409
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:00,110
Yeah.
410
00:19:04,884 --> 00:19:07,802
Look, we all know this is gonna be
a hard conversation to have, right?
411
00:19:07,802 --> 00:19:09,931
- Yes.
- Okay. So who's gonna do the talking?
412
00:19:09,942 --> 00:19:12,289
- As leader of this group...
- You're not the leader of the group.
413
00:19:12,431 --> 00:19:14,675
- ... I shall do it.
- Well, I don't disagree with that.
414
00:19:14,686 --> 00:19:17,655
Guillermo, could you please tell
Laszlo that it is not ever his right
415
00:19:17,778 --> 00:19:20,796
to say what people can and cannot do?
416
00:19:20,807 --> 00:19:23,534
Guys, can you just step back a little
bit? I'm trying to turn around.
417
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,457
- Okay, so what are you going to say?
- I will say,
418
00:19:25,468 --> 00:19:28,638
"Jerry, old friend, we love
you and we have love for you,
419
00:19:28,649 --> 00:19:30,479
but it's just not working out."
420
00:19:30,490 --> 00:19:31,939
That's great so far.
Okay, and then what?
421
00:19:31,950 --> 00:19:33,469
These two will hold him down,
422
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:35,419
and I'm gonna drive this
stake through his heart.
423
00:19:35,430 --> 00:19:36,486
What? No.
424
00:19:36,486 --> 00:19:38,074
Or I could just chop his head off.
425
00:19:38,074 --> 00:19:39,972
- No.
- Douse him with this holy water.
426
00:19:39,972 --> 00:19:42,664
- No.
- If he tries making a run for it, I got this bad boy.
427
00:19:42,664 --> 00:19:44,494
What makes you think
that you need to kill him?
428
00:19:44,494 --> 00:19:45,875
- It was your idea.
- No, it wasn't.
429
00:19:45,875 --> 00:19:47,428
There are other ways
of ending a relationship
430
00:19:47,428 --> 00:19:48,601
than killing the other person.
431
00:19:48,601 --> 00:19:50,741
Name one.
432
00:19:50,741 --> 00:19:53,641
- Shit.
- Hey, guys. What's up?
433
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:57,461
What? Did you let me
sleep for another 50 years?
434
00:19:57,472 --> 00:19:58,696
What year is it?
435
00:19:59,734 --> 00:20:01,978
- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.
436
00:20:02,098 --> 00:20:04,056
- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
437
00:20:04,067 --> 00:20:07,450
We love you and we have love for you.
438
00:20:07,788 --> 00:20:09,253
But it's just...
439
00:20:09,460 --> 00:20:13,135
The thing is, you mean so much
to us. You're such a... No.
440
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:14,941
Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that
441
00:20:15,139 --> 00:20:17,683
you're such a big part of this family.
442
00:20:17,869 --> 00:20:19,768
And there's something
that they all discovered
443
00:20:19,779 --> 00:20:22,540
while you were asleep for 50
years and they forgot to tell you.
444
00:20:24,024 --> 00:20:25,410
- No.
- Tell me.
445
00:20:25,421 --> 00:20:27,734
Well, no, I forgot it was my
job and I dropped the ball.
446
00:20:27,813 --> 00:20:30,471
- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.
447
00:20:30,471 --> 00:20:32,865
It's just that... See,
Jerry, it's... Sorry.
448
00:20:32,876 --> 00:20:34,878
I heard that you were the brains behind
449
00:20:35,054 --> 00:20:37,425
the whole taking over America plan.
450
00:20:37,512 --> 00:20:38,688
Yeah. Guilty.
451
00:20:38,699 --> 00:20:40,528
He's gonna like what
we have to show him.
452
00:20:40,722 --> 00:20:43,864
So why don't you come on
out and we will show you...
453
00:20:43,864 --> 00:20:45,658
- He's running!
- No, he's not, Colin.
454
00:20:45,658 --> 00:20:50,491
Oh, gosh! It went right through
my foot in my orthopedic shoe.
455
00:20:50,491 --> 00:20:52,798
- You had a crossbow.
- Ooh, that hurts.
456
00:20:53,183 --> 00:20:54,875
So, what do you think?
457
00:20:54,875 --> 00:20:58,493
Am I supposed to F him or...
You know, what's the plan here?
458
00:20:58,504 --> 00:21:01,127
I mean, you can if you want, but no,
that's not why I brought him here.
459
00:21:01,329 --> 00:21:03,150
Well, why did you bring him here?
460
00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:07,372
PS, I probably will F him but more
out of boredom than anything else.
461
00:21:07,707 --> 00:21:09,990
Such as the plight of The Guide.
462
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:12,969
Okay. No, I brought him
here because he's everything
463
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,293
you've been waiting
your entire life for.
464
00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:17,173
He wants to take over the New World.
465
00:21:18,047 --> 00:21:19,600
- It can't be true.
- It is.
466
00:21:19,761 --> 00:21:21,820
Could he be the chosen one
467
00:21:21,831 --> 00:21:24,005
who will finally make
our conquest a reality?
468
00:21:25,222 --> 00:21:26,812
- Yep.
- You know, I once thought
469
00:21:26,822 --> 00:21:28,563
Nandor was the chosen one.
470
00:21:28,563 --> 00:21:32,282
- Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin.
- Never.
471
00:21:32,293 --> 00:21:35,918
I just said those guys are
kind of not self-starters.
472
00:21:35,929 --> 00:21:37,758
- That's true.
- Uh, Lieutenant.
473
00:21:37,769 --> 00:21:40,530
Oh, you can just call me The Guide.
474
00:21:40,782 --> 00:21:42,888
You'll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'll like it.
475
00:21:42,888 --> 00:21:46,098
You'll find I'm a bit of a
stickler for a chain of command.
476
00:21:46,098 --> 00:21:48,257
- I like him very much.
- Told you.
477
00:21:48,268 --> 00:21:51,064
Yes, sir. Lieutenant
at your service, sir.
478
00:21:51,075 --> 00:21:54,251
Now, is this the most current map
of the continental United States?
479
00:21:55,579 --> 00:21:57,348
- No.
- No, it is not, sir.
480
00:21:57,359 --> 00:22:00,466
Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating
481
00:22:00,477 --> 00:22:01,852
the highest ranks of the US government
482
00:22:01,953 --> 00:22:03,882
a heartbeat away from the presidency.
483
00:22:04,082 --> 00:22:06,049
Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.
484
00:22:06,049 --> 00:22:07,637
Get me everything you have on this guy.
485
00:22:07,637 --> 00:22:09,742
We haven't had a vampire
so close to the throne
486
00:22:09,742 --> 00:22:12,217
of human power since McNamara in ''61.
487
00:22:12,228 --> 00:22:13,608
Pulling those documents now, sir.
488
00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:16,891
And so we are of one mind.
489
00:22:16,902 --> 00:22:19,180
Therefore, we shall meet here for
at least three hours every night
490
00:22:19,476 --> 00:22:20,990
and conceive a plan...
491
00:22:21,001 --> 00:22:25,833
the complete and total vampire
subjugation of all humans.
492
00:22:26,069 --> 00:22:28,416
- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let's do this.
493
00:22:28,707 --> 00:22:30,896
- Yes.
- Can I get a beep-beep?
494
00:22:32,593 --> 00:22:36,010
Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.
495
00:22:36,010 --> 00:22:38,633
It is of the utmost importance.
496
00:22:38,633 --> 00:22:42,051
But is it as important as creating life?
497
00:22:42,518 --> 00:22:45,712
I'm still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,
498
00:22:45,723 --> 00:22:48,968
threatened and scared because I
wanted to learn the ways of the humans.
499
00:22:49,051 --> 00:22:52,295
But now, it is all about
just me going out there
500
00:22:52,306 --> 00:22:55,896
and getting some and then
getting a little piece more.
501
00:22:56,154 --> 00:22:59,180
- Hmm?
- What about conquering the New World?
502
00:22:59,191 --> 00:23:02,091
You know, yes, conquering
the New World or nothing.
503
00:23:02,102 --> 00:23:04,932
Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.
504
00:23:05,063 --> 00:23:08,998
Now let the conquest of
the New World commence.
505
00:23:09,009 --> 00:23:11,909
House meeting. House meeting.
506
00:23:14,201 --> 00:23:16,756
Hello? Guys?
507
00:23:24,541 --> 00:23:25,853
Pull me everything you've got
508
00:23:25,864 --> 00:23:26,969
- on foreign debt...
- All right.
509
00:23:26,980 --> 00:23:28,809
- ... homeless vets...
- Yes.
510
00:23:29,060 --> 00:23:30,648
- ... AIDS, crack...
- Uh-huh.
511
00:23:30,659 --> 00:23:33,317
- Yes, sir. Okay.
- ... and Bernie Goetz.
512
00:23:33,373 --> 00:23:38,447
Also any relevant documents concerning
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
513
00:23:38,521 --> 00:23:44,320
- Yes, here's a rock and roller Cola "scroll."
- Ah, perfect.
514
00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:34,740
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -