1 00:00:09,279 --> 00:00:10,520 Hi. 2 00:00:10,521 --> 00:00:11,590 - Hello. - Hey. 3 00:00:11,591 --> 00:00:12,902 Okay, moving on. 4 00:00:12,903 --> 00:00:14,387 What is this shit? 5 00:00:16,762 --> 00:00:18,399 Oh... Uh, Hold there, please. 6 00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:20,579 - But I am going home. - It's just gonna be for a few seconds. 7 00:00:20,590 --> 00:00:22,280 We're just in the middle of shooting something. 8 00:00:22,291 --> 00:00:24,637 Very cool. What are we shooting? 9 00:00:24,804 --> 00:00:27,082 - Dogs? Criminals? - Cut. 10 00:00:27,083 --> 00:00:28,600 I'm not allowed to say, but what... 11 00:00:28,601 --> 00:00:29,739 Adam, we're cutting. 12 00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:32,148 Cut! Brad, can you go to two? 13 00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,744 - Who is Brad? - Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay. 14 00:00:34,745 --> 00:00:37,644 10'1"! What a tall fellow this Brad is. 15 00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,784 Copy. All right, we're moving to the dolly shot! 16 00:00:39,785 --> 00:00:42,649 Dolly? Nadja would be devastated if her dolly was shot. 17 00:00:42,883 --> 00:00:44,021 No, I must intervene. 18 00:00:44,032 --> 00:00:45,755 No. We're going again. 19 00:00:48,344 --> 00:00:51,554 Shit, shit, shit. Shitty, shitty, shit. 20 00:00:51,555 --> 00:00:54,143 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we are under attack. 21 00:00:54,144 --> 00:00:56,628 A militia has assembled on our territory. 22 00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:57,802 - I know! - It's not a militia. 23 00:00:57,803 --> 00:00:59,493 They're just filming a TV show. 24 00:00:59,494 --> 00:01:01,564 Well, this TV show has invaded our territory. 25 00:01:01,565 --> 00:01:03,394 They are attacking us with their trucks 26 00:01:03,395 --> 00:01:05,914 and their lights and their gigantic Brads. 27 00:01:05,915 --> 00:01:08,123 Nandor thinks everything is a war. 28 00:01:08,124 --> 00:01:09,469 Yet this time, 29 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,153 he's absolutely right. 30 00:01:11,164 --> 00:01:13,890 It's called PI Undercover: New York. 31 00:01:14,337 --> 00:01:16,579 It's a police procedural in its fourth season. 32 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:18,305 "Detective Jack Mancuso 33 00:01:18,306 --> 00:01:20,583 is brought to life with deft sensitivity 34 00:01:20,584 --> 00:01:22,309 by a never-better Cal Bodian." 35 00:01:22,310 --> 00:01:24,070 "Brought to life"? Who is this man? 36 00:01:24,071 --> 00:01:25,864 Some kind of necromancer? 37 00:01:25,865 --> 00:01:28,062 - No. Worse. He's an actor. - Shit. 38 00:01:28,073 --> 00:01:29,959 Now, wading down into the comments. 39 00:01:29,970 --> 00:01:34,218 "Winsomely compelling copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at... 40 00:01:34,229 --> 00:01:36,185 - Oh, wait. That was me. - Drivel for the unwashed. 41 00:01:36,186 --> 00:01:38,291 The Bard, how he weeps. 42 00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:41,190 - What the blazes? - Fucking 43 00:01:42,374 --> 00:01:44,245 Why is there a fucking truck in our garden? 44 00:01:44,256 --> 00:01:45,808 Entering the property. 45 00:01:45,819 --> 00:01:47,682 There's an enemy at the gate. Hold the line. 46 00:01:47,693 --> 00:01:49,314 - Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry. - You good? 47 00:01:49,325 --> 00:01:50,877 Yeah. I'm with the owners. Yeah, same location. 48 00:01:50,888 --> 00:01:52,313 Don't worry, insurance is gonna cover all this. 49 00:01:52,324 --> 00:01:54,014 We should disembowel this guy. 50 00:01:54,025 --> 00:01:55,695 - Let's fucking kill him. - Quiet on set. 51 00:01:55,706 --> 00:01:56,844 - We're rolling. - Sorry. 52 00:01:56,855 --> 00:01:58,546 - Sorry. - Sorry! 53 00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:37,005 Not bad. Not bad at all, ya stud. 54 00:02:37,006 --> 00:02:40,042 What are you up to, you creamy snake? 55 00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:42,907 All dressed up like a bowl of millet. 56 00:02:42,908 --> 00:02:45,841 I am getting ready to go to a friend's house 57 00:02:45,842 --> 00:02:46,911 for a dinner party, 58 00:02:46,912 --> 00:02:48,223 thank you very much. 59 00:02:48,224 --> 00:02:49,569 You don't have any friends. 60 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,949 Uh, yeah, I do. 61 00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:53,504 I've got the Monster and my boy, Joel. 62 00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:56,576 Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel? 63 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,295 I'm always talking about Joel. 64 00:02:58,306 --> 00:03:00,859 We used to work together a few years ago in the same office. 65 00:03:01,064 --> 00:03:02,409 Pushing paper around, 66 00:03:02,410 --> 00:03:04,118 - generally getting after it. - Hmm. 67 00:03:04,129 --> 00:03:06,682 Yeah, I love Joel. Could never bring myself to drain the guy. 68 00:03:06,897 --> 00:03:09,244 So why have we never heard about him? 69 00:03:09,245 --> 00:03:12,350 Well, he and I drifted apart a few years ago 70 00:03:12,351 --> 00:03:14,421 when he, uh, married Becky. 71 00:03:14,422 --> 00:03:17,079 He has a very nice, pinched face. 72 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,288 Anyway, he called me up last week and was like, 73 00:03:19,289 --> 00:03:21,773 "Hey, bruh. Wanna come over for some grub, bruh?" 74 00:03:21,774 --> 00:03:23,879 And I was like, "Sure, bruh. What time, bruh?" 75 00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:26,226 And he was like, "Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh." 76 00:03:26,227 --> 00:03:28,691 - Could I come with you? - Um... 77 00:03:28,702 --> 00:03:29,808 Why am I doing this? 78 00:03:29,819 --> 00:03:31,267 Ever since I have been working up the career ladder 79 00:03:31,567 --> 00:03:32,705 at Cannon Capital, 80 00:03:32,716 --> 00:03:34,200 I have been absolutely loving 81 00:03:34,201 --> 00:03:36,788 my deliciously mild human interactions. 82 00:03:36,789 --> 00:03:38,549 And I really want the chance to, you know, 83 00:03:38,550 --> 00:03:40,447 practice my human small talk. 84 00:03:40,448 --> 00:03:43,450 "Oh, hey, hon. Love that top. Where is it from? 85 00:03:43,668 --> 00:03:46,212 Online? Great. I love online. 86 00:03:46,213 --> 00:03:49,767 My allergies are bonkers today. Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing. 87 00:03:49,768 --> 00:03:52,735 I think I'm gonna go low-key for my birthday this year." 88 00:03:52,736 --> 00:03:54,668 Or, "I did the Harris Potter quiz, 89 00:03:54,669 --> 00:03:56,946 and I got Slytherin. Aw." 90 00:03:56,947 --> 00:04:01,434 You know, I'm trying really hard to get back to normal with Joel. 91 00:04:01,435 --> 00:04:05,127 And I worry if I showed up with a nightmare 92 00:04:05,128 --> 00:04:09,856 in a Civil War ghost's dress, it might freak him the fuck out. 93 00:04:09,857 --> 00:04:11,789 I think it would make you look like Mr. Bigs 94 00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:13,342 from the Sexy City show 95 00:04:13,343 --> 00:04:15,543 to have such a mouse woman on your arm. 96 00:04:15,554 --> 00:04:18,326 - Squeak, squeak. - Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure. 97 00:04:18,337 --> 00:04:19,580 Yay. 98 00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:22,524 - Gizmo! - Guillermo. 99 00:04:22,525 --> 00:04:23,663 Wake up, you little prick. 100 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:25,699 Get the fuck up. 101 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,356 - What? What? Why? What? - Invaders have just rammed a hole 102 00:04:27,357 --> 00:04:29,255 - in our garden wall. - Sorry, I must've fallen asleep. 103 00:04:29,256 --> 00:04:30,281 You need to get up. 104 00:04:30,292 --> 00:04:32,154 We need weapons, not this fancy-ass shit. 105 00:04:32,155 --> 00:04:34,052 We are about to launch a counteroffensive. 106 00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:36,020 We need sickles and scythes and weaponry. 107 00:04:36,021 --> 00:04:37,470 No. Whatever this is, 108 00:04:37,471 --> 00:04:39,161 it sounds like a bad idea. Don't do it. 109 00:04:39,162 --> 00:04:40,990 We're being invaded. We will not go empty-handed. 110 00:04:40,991 --> 00:04:43,061 We are about to conquer a production 111 00:04:43,062 --> 00:04:45,857 known as PI Undercover: New York. 112 00:04:45,858 --> 00:04:47,376 - What? Are you serious? - Oh, yes. 113 00:04:47,377 --> 00:04:48,653 - Right now? - Yes. 114 00:04:48,654 --> 00:04:50,276 - Are they? Move! - Wait! 115 00:04:50,277 --> 00:04:52,174 - Guillermo, wait! - Where? Where? 116 00:04:52,175 --> 00:04:54,314 Guillermo, you cannot take them on single-handedly. 117 00:04:54,315 --> 00:04:56,178 No. Don't ruin this for me, okay? 118 00:04:56,179 --> 00:04:57,904 That is my favorite show ever. 119 00:04:57,905 --> 00:05:00,044 PIUNY. 120 00:05:00,045 --> 00:05:04,082 It's the perfect cozy, rainy-day show. 121 00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,636 But it's so much more than that. 122 00:05:05,637 --> 00:05:07,672 PI Undercover: New York is, like, 123 00:05:07,673 --> 00:05:09,467 the crown jewel of the PI Undercover extended universe. 124 00:05:09,468 --> 00:05:11,193 I mean, I love the original PI Undercover 125 00:05:11,194 --> 00:05:13,540 and PI Undercover: London, but PIUNY, ah, 126 00:05:13,541 --> 00:05:15,163 just hits different. 127 00:05:15,164 --> 00:05:16,750 I mean, I've seen every episode, like, 12 times. 128 00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,236 Essentially, it's a meditation on grief because 129 00:05:19,237 --> 00:05:20,422 It's fantastic. 130 00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:23,861 In fact, last summer I cosplayed as Jack Mancuso 131 00:05:23,862 --> 00:05:25,483 at the Philadelphia Comic Con. 132 00:05:25,484 --> 00:05:28,210 All the subreddit haters were, like, so jelly. 133 00:05:28,211 --> 00:05:29,763 Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit. 134 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,248 Do you think Cal Bodian's over there? 135 00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:32,870 Do you think he'll sign my zine? 136 00:05:34,163 --> 00:05:37,270 My PI Undercover fanzine. I've done everything myself. 137 00:05:38,428 --> 00:05:40,465 I just took a guess about the chest hair. 138 00:05:41,395 --> 00:05:44,258 He wants a Cambodian to sign his what? 139 00:05:44,269 --> 00:05:45,374 Mmm. 140 00:05:49,059 --> 00:05:50,888 Now, fair warning. 141 00:05:50,889 --> 00:05:52,717 The stuff Joel and I used to talk about 142 00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:54,892 was not necessarily family-friendly, so... 143 00:05:54,893 --> 00:05:56,238 Like what? 144 00:05:56,249 --> 00:05:58,664 - Eh. Just guy stuff. - Like what? 145 00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,380 - Don't worry about it. - Tell me. 146 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:02,736 - I'll tell you later. - No, tell me now. 147 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,317 - Boobs. - Hmm. 148 00:06:05,938 --> 00:06:07,333 They're here! 149 00:06:07,664 --> 00:06:08,975 Hey! 150 00:06:08,976 --> 00:06:10,563 There he is. 151 00:06:10,564 --> 00:06:12,307 - What's up? What's up? - Oh, my G... What's up? 152 00:06:12,318 --> 00:06:13,728 This is look at him. 153 00:06:13,739 --> 00:06:15,947 - The prodigal cubicle-mate returns. - Hey! 154 00:06:15,948 --> 00:06:17,397 - Hi. - Hello. 155 00:06:17,398 --> 00:06:18,824 Thank you so much for coming. 156 00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:21,630 This is Nadja, my girlfriend. 157 00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:24,439 I have heard so much about you, and wow. 158 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,648 Your top is so lovely and warm. 159 00:06:26,649 --> 00:06:28,995 Reminds me of, um, PSL season. 160 00:06:28,996 --> 00:06:31,239 Pumpkin spice latte. I love those. 161 00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:33,276 I never know if people are on... on drugs. 162 00:06:34,450 --> 00:06:37,797 - What... What is all this? - Oh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber. 163 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,980 Huge, uh, YouTuber. 164 00:06:39,991 --> 00:06:43,147 Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking" and you'll find my channel. 165 00:06:43,148 --> 00:06:45,322 - She films everything, you know? - Hello. 166 00:06:45,323 --> 00:06:46,814 - Mostly... - Welcome. 167 00:06:46,825 --> 00:06:48,269 - Oh. - This is Becky. 168 00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:51,801 - What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky. - Hello, Colin. How are you? 169 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:54,745 I'm well. How are you? Uh, this is Nadja, my girlfriend. 170 00:06:54,746 --> 00:06:56,016 Nice to pleasure. 171 00:06:56,027 --> 00:06:59,685 Girlfriend. It's... It's lovely to meet you. 172 00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:02,166 I'm gonna go check on the salmon. 173 00:07:02,167 --> 00:07:06,481 I hope by salmon you mean wine. 'Cau I'm a woman. I love wine. 174 00:07:06,482 --> 00:07:07,925 No, I meant fish. 175 00:07:07,936 --> 00:07:10,282 Well, ladies to the kitchen, men to the conversation. 176 00:07:10,762 --> 00:07:12,108 You go do it, girlfriend. 177 00:07:13,173 --> 00:07:15,490 Listen, I know you said no gifts, but, uh, 178 00:07:15,491 --> 00:07:17,630 - there you go. - This is totally unnecessary. 179 00:07:17,631 --> 00:07:19,459 But I ain't mad at it. 180 00:07:19,460 --> 00:07:21,772 I'm surprised you actually had time to have us over 181 00:07:21,773 --> 00:07:23,774 with the season starting soon 182 00:07:23,775 --> 00:07:26,363 and pitchers and catchers reporting in, like, 11 days. 183 00:07:26,364 --> 00:07:27,875 Go Mets, right? 184 00:07:27,886 --> 00:07:29,883 You know what? I'm not even really feeling baseball anymore. 185 00:07:29,884 --> 00:07:31,369 Those fucking rule changes. 186 00:07:32,093 --> 00:07:34,543 - It's a Mike Piazza baseball card. - Yeah, I didn't know. 187 00:07:34,868 --> 00:07:36,476 - Is it signed? - It is. 188 00:07:36,477 --> 00:07:40,446 So, I spent the last two weeks binge-watching every Mets game 189 00:07:40,447 --> 00:07:41,964 from the past seven years. 190 00:07:41,965 --> 00:07:44,795 Baseball is extremely slow, even for me. 191 00:07:45,066 --> 00:07:47,446 That's a lot of time I'm not gonna get back. 192 00:07:47,457 --> 00:07:50,007 So, baseball's out. What are you into now? 193 00:07:50,008 --> 00:07:53,390 - We watch Top Chef. - Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too. 194 00:07:53,595 --> 00:07:54,805 - Cool. - Where's your bathroom? 195 00:07:54,806 --> 00:07:57,670 I need to do a a number three. 196 00:07:57,901 --> 00:07:59,913 - What? - Ayo. 197 00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:01,674 I don't un what's a three? 198 00:08:01,675 --> 00:08:04,060 - Remember on our days in the office? - Yeah. 199 00:08:04,071 --> 00:08:05,934 We would go down to the third floor 200 00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:07,852 to do our big smelly poos. 201 00:08:07,853 --> 00:08:10,372 - I think I kinda remember that. - Where's your bathroom? 202 00:08:10,373 --> 00:08:11,753 - It's upstairs. - Okay. 203 00:08:11,754 --> 00:08:13,202 - So nice. - Thank you. 204 00:08:13,203 --> 00:08:15,204 A little kiss for my "banooney." 205 00:08:15,205 --> 00:08:17,207 And one for me, my banana. 206 00:08:20,694 --> 00:08:21,902 Act normal. 207 00:08:22,972 --> 00:08:24,387 Your taste is just... 208 00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:27,078 Thank you. I just like solid colors. 209 00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:29,080 Hmm. Maroon. 210 00:08:30,773 --> 00:08:31,911 Traveling to base camp. You over at video village? 211 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,430 Let us storm their base camp. 212 00:08:33,431 --> 00:08:35,052 And lay waste to their video village. 213 00:08:35,053 --> 00:08:37,917 - Last looks. - Indeed they are. 214 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:41,265 - Et tu, Seanie? - Hey, fellas. 215 00:08:41,266 --> 00:08:44,026 - What the shit? - I rent my bathroom out to the crew. 216 00:08:44,027 --> 00:08:45,683 He has succumbed to the King's shilling. 217 00:08:45,684 --> 00:08:47,444 Oh, come on. I do this all the time. 218 00:08:47,445 --> 00:08:49,446 You know how many movies have wanted to rent 219 00:08:49,447 --> 00:08:50,845 my little potty? 220 00:08:50,856 --> 00:08:53,451 We have lost our greatest ally to the other side. Let's go. 221 00:08:53,462 --> 00:08:54,841 Think about all the legendary piss 222 00:08:54,852 --> 00:08:56,474 that's flowing through those pipes. 223 00:08:56,582 --> 00:08:57,927 Diane Keaton's piss. 224 00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,456 Jim Carrey's piss! 225 00:08:59,457 --> 00:09:01,596 Mike Barbooglio's piss! 226 00:09:01,597 --> 00:09:04,771 The salmon smells amazing, Becky! 227 00:09:04,772 --> 00:09:08,706 I hope it's as good as Tiffani Faison's 228 00:09:08,707 --> 00:09:11,399 monkfish from Top Chef season one. 229 00:09:12,643 --> 00:09:16,194 Please let me help with, um, the touching and the boiling. 230 00:09:16,205 --> 00:09:17,930 No. No, you're fine. Just relax. 231 00:09:18,404 --> 00:09:19,991 Tell me, how... how did you and Colin meet? 232 00:09:20,002 --> 00:09:21,443 Oh, yes. Uh... 233 00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:24,170 Let us gossip like two little brain-dead bitches. 234 00:09:24,171 --> 00:09:26,415 Does, um, Colin ever talk about me? 235 00:09:26,863 --> 00:09:28,485 - No. That was stupid. - You know men. 236 00:09:28,486 --> 00:09:29,909 They don't talk about anything 237 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:32,335 - other than, "Ouch, my balls." - Yeah. They don't talk about anything. 238 00:09:32,346 --> 00:09:35,049 - Yeah. Except Colin's not like that. - Scrotum. It's... 239 00:09:36,183 --> 00:09:38,460 Oh. Yes. Sorry? 240 00:09:38,461 --> 00:09:41,463 Colin's not like that. Colin has never been like that. 241 00:09:41,464 --> 00:09:43,154 Right. Okay. 242 00:09:43,155 --> 00:09:45,329 Colin's not like other men. He's really sensitive. 243 00:09:45,507 --> 00:09:47,957 And that is why he is my soft-boiled egg. 244 00:09:47,968 --> 00:09:49,866 I'm very happy for you both. 245 00:09:50,646 --> 00:09:52,025 Sorry. I... 246 00:09:52,026 --> 00:09:54,736 I don't wanna see Colin get hurt, you know? 247 00:09:54,747 --> 00:09:57,203 He's an incredible person. 248 00:09:57,204 --> 00:10:00,309 I have used my brilliant powers of deduction 249 00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:04,003 to detect that Becky is rock-hard in love 250 00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:05,970 with Colin Robinson, 251 00:10:05,971 --> 00:10:08,628 much like Carrie loved Aidan in the Sexy City show, 252 00:10:09,035 --> 00:10:11,658 which I have watched every episode of. 253 00:10:12,426 --> 00:10:14,634 Looks like you two ladies could use some drinks. 254 00:10:14,635 --> 00:10:16,843 Did you wash the lettuce like I asked, Joel? 255 00:10:16,844 --> 00:10:18,221 I was about to, yes. 256 00:10:18,232 --> 00:10:20,768 So the answer's "no," not "yes" if you didn't do it. 257 00:10:20,779 --> 00:10:22,321 So the answer's "no." 258 00:10:22,405 --> 00:10:23,890 Okay. 259 00:10:25,678 --> 00:10:27,302 Cal Bodian is still in his trailer, 260 00:10:27,303 --> 00:10:29,615 probably preparing for his first scene of the day. 261 00:10:29,616 --> 00:10:31,030 He usually likes to get to set 262 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:32,790 and meditate for an hour beforehand, 263 00:10:32,791 --> 00:10:33,998 then he gets a snack. 264 00:10:33,999 --> 00:10:36,381 Usually a muffin and a cup of tea. 265 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,694 He's been sober for 17 years. 266 00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,677 Oh, my God. There he is! 267 00:10:42,352 --> 00:10:44,078 That's great guys! Thank you! 268 00:10:45,252 --> 00:10:46,632 Oh, wow. You have your muffin. 269 00:10:46,633 --> 00:10:47,951 So cool. 270 00:10:47,962 --> 00:10:50,482 Do you, uh... Do you ever read any of the fanzines? 271 00:10:51,024 --> 00:10:55,165 Ah. Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a meal? 272 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,022 - A succulent Chinese meal? - Wow. 273 00:10:58,023 --> 00:11:00,680 I'm just saying that's where the PIUNY community really is, you know? 274 00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:02,095 - Sure. - In the zines. 275 00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:04,753 Mr. Bodian, would you come with me? 276 00:11:04,754 --> 00:11:06,548 I have procured several prostitutes 277 00:11:06,549 --> 00:11:07,894 for your viewing pleasure. 278 00:11:07,895 --> 00:11:09,033 - Oh. - I will not kill you. 279 00:11:09,034 --> 00:11:10,587 What scene is that for again? 280 00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:12,071 Mr. Bodian, we're ready for you. 281 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,110 Okay. Thank you. 282 00:11:13,121 --> 00:11:15,443 - Mr. Bodian But the prostitutes... - What? 283 00:11:15,454 --> 00:11:17,870 No, leave him alone. Do not hurt Cal Bodian. 284 00:11:17,871 --> 00:11:19,129 This is war. 285 00:11:19,140 --> 00:11:21,245 Doesn't matter. That man was not the leader. 286 00:11:21,411 --> 00:11:23,378 But he is the main guy on the show. 287 00:11:23,389 --> 00:11:25,459 He is an actor, Nandor. 288 00:11:25,593 --> 00:11:27,697 A simpleton who paints his face. 289 00:11:27,708 --> 00:11:31,124 He is an empty-headed puppet who thinks the world loves him, 290 00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:33,437 when in actual fact, he is nothing more 291 00:11:33,438 --> 00:11:35,715 than a lapdog begging for scraps. 292 00:11:35,716 --> 00:11:37,475 - Yes. - No, he is not the leader. 293 00:11:37,476 --> 00:11:40,237 That would be another devil who pulls the strings. 294 00:11:40,238 --> 00:11:44,173 The half-wit they call the director. 295 00:11:50,351 --> 00:11:51,869 Colin Robinson, did you and Becky 296 00:11:51,870 --> 00:11:53,402 ever have a thing for each other? 297 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,423 What? No. 298 00:11:54,424 --> 00:11:56,322 She and Joel had some issues, 299 00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:58,120 and I was a good listener for her. 300 00:11:58,131 --> 00:12:00,684 But that was only because I wanted them to get back together 301 00:12:00,879 --> 00:12:02,155 'cause Joel was so sad. 302 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,494 I don't know. 303 00:12:03,675 --> 00:12:06,056 I think her vagina is pulsing for you. 304 00:12:06,057 --> 00:12:08,506 Don't fabricate drama where there isn't any. 305 00:12:08,507 --> 00:12:10,267 You wanted to come to this party 306 00:12:10,268 --> 00:12:11,993 to see how the normal people live. 307 00:12:11,994 --> 00:12:15,549 Well, welcome to the wonderful world of "normalos." 308 00:12:16,826 --> 00:12:19,173 - Enough. - I do not get you at all. 309 00:12:21,037 --> 00:12:23,039 Halt. Where is your leader? 310 00:12:24,183 --> 00:12:25,218 Thank you. 311 00:12:25,835 --> 00:12:27,284 "AD." 312 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,384 - A director. - Yes. 313 00:12:29,943 --> 00:12:32,531 - Now I cut the head of the snake. - Go in. 314 00:12:35,396 --> 00:12:36,466 Nice day. 315 00:12:37,364 --> 00:12:38,641 Come on, Nandor. 316 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,644 What the fuck are you wearing? 317 00:12:42,334 --> 00:12:45,198 That was actually the second assistant director, 318 00:12:45,199 --> 00:12:47,545 and he made me production assistant. 319 00:12:47,546 --> 00:12:48,857 They are short-staffed. 320 00:12:48,858 --> 00:12:50,176 This is all good news. 321 00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:53,127 - We can infiltrate them from the inside. - Yes, yes. 322 00:12:53,138 --> 00:12:56,485 But first, I must go to crafty to fetch taffy for scripty. 323 00:12:56,486 --> 00:12:58,833 Oh, shit. Nandor, you have been seduced 324 00:12:58,834 --> 00:13:00,973 by the siren of show business. 325 00:13:01,191 --> 00:13:04,128 - No, I'm infiltrating like - Where's the PA? 326 00:13:04,139 --> 00:13:05,667 - We're still waiting on - whatever you said before. 327 00:13:05,668 --> 00:13:07,186 Yes, go Nandor. 328 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,806 Yes, I'm just fetching it. What is taffy? 329 00:13:09,817 --> 00:13:10,948 Oh, no. 330 00:13:10,949 --> 00:13:13,882 Uh, Sy... Uh, Strai... Top. Top Gun. 331 00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:17,679 Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef. Top... Top... Top hat? 332 00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,992 - Uh... Wait. Did you say Top Chef? - Yes, I did. 333 00:13:19,993 --> 00:13:22,304 - It was Top Chef. - Nice one, dude. 334 00:13:22,305 --> 00:13:25,031 Is it just me or is it so hard to locate 335 00:13:25,032 --> 00:13:28,306 a good, trustworthy handyman these days? 336 00:13:28,317 --> 00:13:29,380 - Yes! - It is. 337 00:13:29,381 --> 00:13:30,507 When we wanted to renovate the bathroom, 338 00:13:30,518 --> 00:13:31,839 I decided I'm just gonna do it myself. 339 00:13:31,850 --> 00:13:33,472 You did a bathroom reno by yourself? 340 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:36,690 - Yeah, I found a guy out in Queens... - Oh, brother. Here we go. 341 00:13:36,701 --> 00:13:41,187 ... and he gave us these beautiful vintage tiles. 342 00:13:41,650 --> 00:13:42,858 - And... - They're just tiles. 343 00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:45,258 Do you wanna go to see it? It's gorgeous. 344 00:13:45,259 --> 00:13:46,743 Uh, yes. 345 00:13:46,744 --> 00:13:48,187 - Good luck. - Yeah. 346 00:13:48,198 --> 00:13:50,371 - Is it dangerous? - No, it's just boring. 347 00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:52,265 Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking idiot 348 00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:55,097 'cause I saved us a lot of money and did a kick-ass job. 349 00:13:58,410 --> 00:14:00,998 - What about that bathroom? - Yes. Do you wanna see it? 350 00:14:00,999 --> 00:14:03,449 - Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. - Okay. Great. Follow me. 351 00:14:03,450 --> 00:14:05,417 Try not to miss me too much, my love. 352 00:14:11,044 --> 00:14:13,045 Sit here, Colin. 353 00:14:13,046 --> 00:14:16,531 Right here. I'm just kidding. 354 00:14:16,695 --> 00:14:18,730 Hello, Colin Robinson. 355 00:14:18,741 --> 00:14:19,777 Hello. 356 00:14:20,605 --> 00:14:23,228 Is she, uh... Is she good to you? 357 00:14:24,574 --> 00:14:26,887 - Who? - Your girlfriend. 358 00:14:27,439 --> 00:14:29,026 - Sorry. I hope she's good to you. - Oh. 359 00:14:29,027 --> 00:14:30,269 You... You deserve it. 360 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,788 Yeah, yeah. I think, you know... 361 00:14:31,789 --> 00:14:33,548 Well, yeah, I think we get along really well. 362 00:14:33,549 --> 00:14:36,551 It's nothing as special as what you and Joel have. 363 00:14:36,552 --> 00:14:38,967 Joel? Yeah. Ol' Joel. 364 00:14:38,968 --> 00:14:41,073 We've had our ups and downs over the years. 365 00:14:41,074 --> 00:14:42,730 Yeah. That'll happen. 366 00:14:43,144 --> 00:14:44,697 When it does, I... 367 00:14:46,079 --> 00:14:47,631 I just remember 368 00:14:47,632 --> 00:14:50,082 you were the only one I could talk to about it. 369 00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:52,429 Do you miss our talks, Colin Robinson? 370 00:14:54,501 --> 00:14:55,536 Yeah, uh... 371 00:14:58,022 --> 00:14:59,608 Ready for you on set. 372 00:14:59,609 --> 00:15:01,231 I think he is slumbering. 373 00:15:01,232 --> 00:15:03,958 Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep. 374 00:15:03,959 --> 00:15:07,064 Cans? Anyone for cans? Would you like some cans? 375 00:15:07,065 --> 00:15:09,618 Some cans? Cans? Fucking ignore me. 376 00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:11,275 I already have cans on. 377 00:15:11,276 --> 00:15:12,967 - You have cans? - I have cans. 378 00:15:12,968 --> 00:15:14,658 Sorry. Hi. 379 00:15:14,659 --> 00:15:16,453 This one can for you. 380 00:15:16,454 --> 00:15:18,800 - Sure I can't tempt you with some? - Do you see 'em? 381 00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:20,112 - Anyone ask for cans? - No. 382 00:15:20,113 --> 00:15:21,217 Son of a 383 00:15:23,495 --> 00:15:25,151 What the fuck are you doing? 384 00:15:25,152 --> 00:15:27,982 Uh, we are not allowed to say what we're filming, sir. 385 00:15:27,983 --> 00:15:29,777 Also, we're trying to clear the frame. 386 00:15:29,778 --> 00:15:32,020 Would you mind following me over by the snack table? 387 00:15:32,021 --> 00:15:34,022 - Rolling! We are rolling! - What? 388 00:15:34,023 --> 00:15:35,127 All right. Shut up. 389 00:15:35,128 --> 00:15:37,094 Out the way, fuckos. Fuck. 390 00:15:38,351 --> 00:15:40,162 - Do you guys wanna play Pictionary? - Oh. 391 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,097 Joel, they don't wanna play Pictionary. It's okay. 392 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:45,506 Well, I mean if it's anything like reading a dictionary, then yeah. 393 00:15:45,517 --> 00:15:47,055 Yeah, I do. 394 00:15:50,729 --> 00:15:55,079 Shit. Wait, what is shit. No, no, no. Fuck. 395 00:15:56,149 --> 00:15:58,529 - Oh. - How many times have I told you to replace 396 00:15:58,530 --> 00:16:00,014 the fucking smoke detector? 397 00:16:00,278 --> 00:16:01,518 It's my fault, of course. 398 00:16:01,529 --> 00:16:03,357 Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon. 399 00:16:03,466 --> 00:16:06,537 More excuse for cream cheese, am I right? 400 00:16:06,538 --> 00:16:07,849 My salmon is fucked. 401 00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:10,300 I love the smell of burnt salmon. 402 00:16:10,301 --> 00:16:12,509 Goddamn it, Joel. You're a fucking failure. 403 00:16:12,510 --> 00:16:13,890 Colin, can I ask you a favor? 404 00:16:13,891 --> 00:16:15,305 Sure, Joel. Anything. 405 00:16:15,569 --> 00:16:17,238 It's a little unconventional, 406 00:16:17,239 --> 00:16:19,516 and so if it makes you uncomfortable, 407 00:16:19,517 --> 00:16:21,345 then you just tell me, and I'll shut the hell up. 408 00:16:21,346 --> 00:16:22,968 Stop. We go too far back. 409 00:16:22,969 --> 00:16:24,866 I mean, we're like Stephanie Cmar 410 00:16:24,867 --> 00:16:26,419 and Kristen Kish 411 00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,515 in the Seattle season of Top Chef. 412 00:16:28,895 --> 00:16:30,527 You know, they used to be roommates. 413 00:16:30,528 --> 00:16:32,011 Would you ever wanna... 414 00:16:32,012 --> 00:16:33,599 - Do you think that... - Just a town house. 415 00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:35,187 Just go into this... Just come with me. 416 00:16:35,188 --> 00:16:36,740 - Just can... - The hallway. 417 00:16:36,741 --> 00:16:38,328 Yeah, this is nice. 418 00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:40,641 I need you to fuck my wife. 419 00:16:43,196 --> 00:16:44,679 What? 420 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:46,094 I told you it was a little unusual. 421 00:16:46,095 --> 00:16:49,097 Is that something she would be 422 00:16:49,098 --> 00:16:50,719 - Ravenous for? Yes. - Right. 423 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:52,342 It's something that keeps our marriage alive. 424 00:16:52,343 --> 00:16:53,895 Strange request. 425 00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:55,074 Yeah, okay. 426 00:16:55,085 --> 00:16:58,072 Well, if it's any consolation, I'll be there the whole time. 427 00:16:58,073 --> 00:17:00,384 - I'll have eyes on you... - It's no consolation. 428 00:17:00,385 --> 00:17:01,903 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Okay. 429 00:17:01,904 --> 00:17:04,596 - But just think about it, buddy. - Girlfriend, come here. 430 00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:09,139 I think he might. 431 00:17:10,541 --> 00:17:11,681 Sabotage. 432 00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:13,727 Do you know what the French translation of "sabotage" is? 433 00:17:14,123 --> 00:17:15,537 It's "fuck things up." 434 00:17:15,538 --> 00:17:17,436 I'm gonna fuck things up for these people. 435 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:19,921 Chap in the white hat. Now, he's the director. 436 00:17:19,922 --> 00:17:22,372 He doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. 437 00:17:22,373 --> 00:17:25,099 The loudest man in the room with fuck all to say. 438 00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:27,308 Surrounds himself with sycophants, 439 00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:29,931 but nothing more than a tin-pot dictator. 440 00:17:29,932 --> 00:17:31,795 And he's nothing without the scribe. 441 00:17:31,796 --> 00:17:33,107 Now, that's the writer there. 442 00:17:33,108 --> 00:17:35,074 The brains behind the whole thing, 443 00:17:35,075 --> 00:17:37,801 yet hugely underappreciated. 444 00:17:37,802 --> 00:17:39,492 Socially not the best, 445 00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:41,667 but she's the beating heart behind the production. 446 00:17:41,668 --> 00:17:44,670 She is the passionate soul of the televisual medium. 447 00:17:44,671 --> 00:17:46,948 - Sir, we are still rolling. - What do you want? 448 00:17:46,949 --> 00:17:49,917 - What are you doing here? - I don't care what you... Whoa. 449 00:17:49,918 --> 00:17:52,471 Where the fuck did you get that sweated shirt? 450 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:53,618 This is for crew only. 451 00:17:53,629 --> 00:17:55,354 Season 3 crew only, to be precise. 452 00:17:55,578 --> 00:17:56,696 Yeah, I can see that. 453 00:17:56,707 --> 00:17:58,432 I want one of those sweated shirts. 454 00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:00,237 Well, you can't have one. That's a cut! That's a cut! 455 00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,689 I love that sweated shirt. It is a remarkable garment. 456 00:18:03,690 --> 00:18:05,760 As you can see, there's some kind of flap at the back 457 00:18:05,761 --> 00:18:08,073 which is attached to the neck, which must be some kind of hood 458 00:18:08,074 --> 00:18:09,626 to protect him from the weather. 459 00:18:09,627 --> 00:18:11,766 On the front looks like some kind of pouch, 460 00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:13,595 which I'm guessing is inspired by the kangaroo. 461 00:18:13,596 --> 00:18:18,497 It's probably 50% polyester. Maybe 40% cotton. 462 00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:20,154 And the rest must be rayon. 463 00:18:20,155 --> 00:18:21,983 But the biggest question I have 464 00:18:21,984 --> 00:18:23,985 is why the fuck has he got one of those and I haven't? 465 00:18:23,986 --> 00:18:25,538 You're in the shot! 466 00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:27,989 - He's in the shot. - Dude, you're in the shot! 467 00:18:27,990 --> 00:18:29,508 He's fucked up. 468 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,096 You're still in! 469 00:18:31,097 --> 00:18:32,787 You're still in the fucking shot! 470 00:18:32,788 --> 00:18:34,655 Go behind the bush. 471 00:18:34,666 --> 00:18:37,148 All right. Fuck it. We'll fix it in post. Back to one. 472 00:18:39,898 --> 00:18:42,728 You were right. I-I don't know what to do. 473 00:18:42,729 --> 00:18:47,043 I've wanted Joel's friendship for so long, but at what cost? 474 00:18:47,044 --> 00:18:50,011 Colin, just stick your beak in his wife and be friends. 475 00:18:50,012 --> 00:18:53,778 I just wanted a normal relationship with him, you know? 476 00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:56,387 And this is not normal. 477 00:18:56,398 --> 00:18:58,916 I think it's probably time to get you out of here, mister. 478 00:18:58,917 --> 00:18:59,988 Come on. 479 00:19:03,612 --> 00:19:04,966 Well, we better be off. 480 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,122 There's a Pilates class I've been promising myself 481 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,410 I'll make in the morning. 482 00:19:08,421 --> 00:19:09,731 No. Why don't you come join us first? 483 00:19:09,859 --> 00:19:11,412 There's plenty of room. Come on. 484 00:19:11,413 --> 00:19:13,586 No, our dance card is filled up for the evening. 485 00:19:13,587 --> 00:19:16,072 What upset you? Did my fucking idiot of a husband say something? 486 00:19:16,073 --> 00:19:17,728 Uh-oh. Was I bad? 487 00:19:17,729 --> 00:19:19,040 Hey, Joel, maybe next week we could go bowling? 488 00:19:19,041 --> 00:19:20,559 - Yeah. - That would be so fun. 489 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,009 That'd be great. Just boys time, 490 00:19:22,010 --> 00:19:23,389 and then you come back and fuck my wife. 491 00:19:23,390 --> 00:19:26,013 Thanks for the grub. That was swirl. 492 00:19:26,014 --> 00:19:28,498 Hmm. 493 00:19:28,499 --> 00:19:29,603 Okay, come here. 494 00:19:33,435 --> 00:19:37,334 I say, Detective Mancuso has soiled his trousers. 495 00:19:37,739 --> 00:19:40,958 - His show pants? - What? Yeah. It's ghastly. 496 00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:43,030 Okay. We have doubles on Cal's pants, right? 497 00:19:43,445 --> 00:19:44,963 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 498 00:19:49,796 --> 00:19:52,591 I'm sorry that Joel turned out to be such a depressing pervert. 499 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,248 I mean, I quite liked it, 500 00:19:54,249 --> 00:19:56,802 but I know that you were looking for a more normal, 501 00:19:56,803 --> 00:19:58,494 less sexual friend. 502 00:19:58,763 --> 00:20:01,696 - Yeah. - Maybe humans are such depressing, 503 00:20:01,911 --> 00:20:04,085 weird freaks because, you know, 504 00:20:04,086 --> 00:20:05,638 they try so hard to be normal 505 00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,813 that they repress all their most horny desires. 506 00:20:07,814 --> 00:20:10,609 And then they just end up squirting themselves to death. 507 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:13,784 Well, wise words. Maybe you're a Carrie after all. 508 00:20:13,785 --> 00:20:15,407 Lock it up. Hold there, please. 509 00:20:15,408 --> 00:20:17,617 I'm so sorry, but no. 510 00:20:21,690 --> 00:20:23,794 The hat? Oh, yeah, that's from season 6. 511 00:20:23,795 --> 00:20:25,175 We shot them back-to-back. 512 00:20:25,186 --> 00:20:26,980 - What the fuck are you doing in... - Oh. 513 00:20:27,385 --> 00:20:29,766 That gear is for crew only. 514 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,389 Hmm. Someone's jealous of my swag. 515 00:20:32,390 --> 00:20:33,459 Perhaps. 516 00:20:33,460 --> 00:20:34,978 But there is one garment 517 00:20:34,979 --> 00:20:37,292 that I know you will never get your hands on. 518 00:20:37,775 --> 00:20:40,294 Nandor, give me that sweated shirt! 519 00:20:40,295 --> 00:20:41,467 You shall never have it! 520 00:20:44,426 --> 00:20:46,738 - Laszlo, get a grip. - Good idea. 521 00:20:48,337 --> 00:20:49,373 No! 522 00:20:50,684 --> 00:20:53,031 - You're stretching it! - Wouldn't be the first time. 523 00:20:55,828 --> 00:20:56,863 Time-out, time-out. 524 00:20:58,899 --> 00:21:00,832 What are we doing? 525 00:21:01,557 --> 00:21:05,008 Chewed up and spat out in true Hollywood style. 526 00:21:05,009 --> 00:21:08,287 We need to rain hellfire on these Hollywood pricks. 527 00:21:08,288 --> 00:21:09,944 Drink the blood of the director. 528 00:21:09,945 --> 00:21:12,326 Crush the balls of the best boy. 529 00:21:12,327 --> 00:21:14,639 And whack all of the actors. 530 00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:17,021 Yeah, let's do it. 531 00:21:18,195 --> 00:21:19,540 Hey, you guys are still here? 532 00:21:19,541 --> 00:21:21,232 We wrapped, like, half an hour ago. 533 00:21:22,578 --> 00:21:23,648 Happy trails, guys. 534 00:21:25,202 --> 00:21:28,826 We did it. We fucking did it. 535 00:21:29,684 --> 00:21:31,138 Well done, Nandor. 536 00:21:31,139 --> 00:21:33,174 You know, sometimes the best tactic in war 537 00:21:33,626 --> 00:21:35,280 is to not fight at all. 538 00:21:35,454 --> 00:21:37,421 You sound just like a writer. 539 00:21:40,044 --> 00:21:41,355 - Onward! - Yeah. 540 00:21:41,356 --> 00:21:43,874 Meanwhile, while Laszlo and Nandor 541 00:21:43,875 --> 00:21:46,325 called wrap on their beef, 542 00:21:46,326 --> 00:21:49,466 I couldn't help but wonder, if we stopped saying cut 543 00:21:49,467 --> 00:21:51,054 The Cal mobile. 544 00:21:51,055 --> 00:21:53,401 would we all get a little more action? 545 00:21:53,402 --> 00:21:55,196 Hi, Mr. Bodian. I'm just a huge fan. 546 00:21:55,197 --> 00:21:57,164 I wanted to know if I can take a picture with you quickly? 547 00:21:57,165 --> 00:21:58,924 Now is not a great time. It's not a good time. 548 00:21:58,925 --> 00:22:00,305 It's just for my zine, actually. 549 00:22:00,306 --> 00:22:01,858 - Have you read this? - Hey! 550 00:22:01,859 --> 00:22:03,170 Maybe if we could ask our friends 551 00:22:03,171 --> 00:22:05,241 for just a little more quiet on set 552 00:22:05,242 --> 00:22:06,828 Sign his program, you fucklord. 553 00:22:06,829 --> 00:22:08,554 we'd end up with a lot less drama. 554 00:22:08,555 --> 00:22:10,211 You know who the fuck I am? 555 00:22:10,212 --> 00:22:11,730 You think it's not gonna be a problem for you? 556 00:22:11,731 --> 00:22:13,214 Here we go! 557 00:22:13,215 --> 00:22:14,422 Because even for the biggest stars, 558 00:22:14,423 --> 00:22:16,217 it's important to stay grounded. 559 00:22:17,564 --> 00:22:19,463 And that's when I realized 560 00:22:20,118 --> 00:22:24,226 it wasn't PIUNY or show business, 561 00:22:25,262 --> 00:22:28,712 or even Staten Island that kept us all together... 562 00:22:28,713 --> 00:22:30,163 Colin Robinson. 563 00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,235 Shut fuck up. 564 00:22:35,709 --> 00:22:37,274 Oh, file saved. 565 00:22:49,884 --> 00:22:52,253 There he is. That's the street right here. 566 00:22:52,254 --> 00:22:53,703 That's where they shoot... 567 00:22:53,704 --> 00:22:56,465 - Took your time, Mancuso. - This looks bad. 568 00:22:56,948 --> 00:22:59,123 Bad? We just found six more inside. 569 00:22:59,641 --> 00:23:02,195 Son of a bitch. The Mob. 570 00:23:03,334 --> 00:23:04,404 What the hell? 571 00:23:05,681 --> 00:23:07,614 I guess I know where I'm going next. 572 00:23:08,305 --> 00:23:09,753 - Where's that? - Was that... 573 00:23:09,754 --> 00:23:11,653 - Undercover. - Never mind. 574 00:23:12,399 --> 00:23:17,399 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -