1
00:00:07,867 --> 00:00:09,972
Shitty thing.
2
00:00:10,110 --> 00:00:11,595
Guillermo... He doesn't
live here anymore.
3
00:00:11,767 --> 00:00:13,700
How is it? I can't see.
4
00:00:13,711 --> 00:00:16,472
Tonight we are attending
a very special event.
5
00:00:17,797 --> 00:00:18,924
Ha!
6
00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:19,977
Aye, fuck.
7
00:00:19,988 --> 00:00:24,302
The Baron is receiving an eternal
lifetime achievement award.
8
00:00:25,367 --> 00:00:29,613
I have never heard of such a
thing, but it sounds very cool.
9
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,865
It is about time
our Baron got recognized
10
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,965
for all the incredible work
he does in our local community.
11
00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:39,036
- Yeah.
- He has done so much for all of us,
12
00:00:39,047 --> 00:00:41,774
- both as a leader and as a reliable lay.
- Yeah.
13
00:00:41,986 --> 00:00:44,506
Of course I am quite
accustomed to being exalted...
14
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:47,700
praised, feared.
15
00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:50,553
But this shall be a night to remember.
16
00:00:50,564 --> 00:00:53,464
Alas, no. The Sire cannot make it.
17
00:00:53,475 --> 00:00:56,202
Our usual sitter just started
at Northwestern and, well...
18
00:00:56,663 --> 00:00:57,837
Oh!
19
00:00:57,848 --> 00:00:59,919
You know how hard it
is to find someone new.
20
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,646
- Baron, give us a twirl.
- Oh, no.
21
00:01:02,839 --> 00:01:05,255
- Yes, please, Baron.
- Look at him go. Wow.
22
00:01:05,372 --> 00:01:06,891
- Spin, Baron, spin.
- Wow.
23
00:01:06,902 --> 00:01:09,905
Look at you all. Where are we going?
24
00:01:09,951 --> 00:01:12,298
We are going to an
event to honor the Baron.
25
00:01:12,794 --> 00:01:14,347
- Oh.
- And you are not.
26
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,159
- Oh.
- Because you have made it very clear
27
00:01:17,170 --> 00:01:21,140
that your future lies with
the humans, not the vampires.
28
00:01:21,353 --> 00:01:23,838
- That's not fair.
- Guillermo, we are a family.
29
00:01:24,391 --> 00:01:26,054
- Right.
- We will always be a family.
30
00:01:26,065 --> 00:01:29,068
- Thank you.
- And you are no longer part of the family.
31
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:32,425
- Capisce?
- Because you rejected your vampire family.
32
00:01:32,436 --> 00:01:34,058
- I didn't...
- Yeah. The "vamily."
33
00:01:34,988 --> 00:01:37,681
Oh. Colin Robinson, no.
34
00:01:37,853 --> 00:01:39,821
- Hell-lo.
- Here he is.
35
00:01:39,993 --> 00:01:41,167
- Shall we saddle up?
- Yes.
36
00:01:41,178 --> 00:01:42,835
Well, why does the monster
get to go and not me?
37
00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:44,964
- "Vamily."
- Yeah.
38
00:01:45,102 --> 00:01:47,622
- No, not him as well.
- Very good.
39
00:02:17,047 --> 00:02:22,047
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
40
00:02:23,585 --> 00:02:26,553
Yeah, I'm a little hurt I'm not going
to the vampire gathering tonight,
41
00:02:26,879 --> 00:02:29,329
but it's probably for
the best, you know?
42
00:02:31,095 --> 00:02:33,373
Besides, I already made plans to
hang out with my cousin Miguel.
43
00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,825
Actually, Miguel and I used to
be really close when I was little.
44
00:02:37,781 --> 00:02:40,439
But then he kinda
became this, like, jock.
45
00:02:40,888 --> 00:02:42,257
We grew apart,
46
00:02:42,268 --> 00:02:45,547
but our moms are determined that we
be really good friends.
47
00:02:47,491 --> 00:02:50,460
We're gonna... hang out.
48
00:02:56,669 --> 00:02:59,430
- Miguel! Hey.
- Hey. How you doing?
49
00:02:59,503 --> 00:03:01,540
You love it.
50
00:03:01,712 --> 00:03:03,013
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you do.
51
00:03:03,024 --> 00:03:05,509
No, I don't. I really don't.
52
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:08,557
We should've done this sooner. I
was working at this job, you know?
53
00:03:09,053 --> 00:03:10,388
It was crazy. I had to get outta there.
54
00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:11,692
I was starting to lose my mind...
55
00:03:11,703 --> 00:03:14,925
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Memo. I don't
need the whole pinche novella, okay?
56
00:03:15,356 --> 00:03:16,426
Losers first.
57
00:03:16,713 --> 00:03:18,366
Go get 'em, slugger.
58
00:03:18,377 --> 00:03:19,551
Oh!
59
00:03:20,272 --> 00:03:21,399
Strike one!
60
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,860
Little out of practice there, Memo?
61
00:03:22,871 --> 00:03:24,517
I don't think I was ever in practice.
62
00:03:24,528 --> 00:03:25,967
What are you talking about?
63
00:03:25,978 --> 00:03:28,277
We used to play all the
time when we were little.
64
00:03:28,288 --> 00:03:30,846
- Ah!
- Gotta keep your eyes on the ball, Memo.
65
00:03:31,235 --> 00:03:33,151
There it is. Every gang in the
66
00:03:33,161 --> 00:03:35,412
tristate area is here. How delightful.
67
00:03:35,746 --> 00:03:38,715
Yeah.
Looks like everyone came out to play.
68
00:03:38,887 --> 00:03:40,751
- Salutations.
- The Warriors. Walter Hill. 1979.
69
00:03:41,404 --> 00:03:42,405
Exciting.
70
00:03:43,616 --> 00:03:46,481
- What a turnout.
- Look up there. It's the Fly Guys.
71
00:03:46,849 --> 00:03:49,956
Oh, wow. I haven't seen
the Lower East Side Vampire Punks
72
00:03:49,967 --> 00:03:52,625
since one spat on me in 1983.
73
00:03:52,901 --> 00:03:55,351
I was cool with it. It's
what we did back then.
74
00:03:55,583 --> 00:03:58,862
- Hello, Hamptons vampires.
- Like, "Hampires."
75
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:01,129
- Stop it!
- I hate these dipshits.
76
00:04:01,140 --> 00:04:04,557
But kinda makes you proud,
you know? Our people.
77
00:04:04,799 --> 00:04:08,078
So, this is all for me?
78
00:04:08,089 --> 00:04:10,609
- Baron Afanas, there you are.
- Ah.
79
00:04:10,901 --> 00:04:12,393
- Hi.
- Hello.
80
00:04:12,404 --> 00:04:14,084
You look lovely tonight.
81
00:04:14,095 --> 00:04:16,580
I mean, you look lovely every night.
82
00:04:16,753 --> 00:04:18,617
- We all look lovely tonight.
- Ugh.
83
00:04:18,950 --> 00:04:21,332
- You included.
- Thank you.
84
00:04:21,343 --> 00:04:24,001
All right. I'm just going
to bring you up to the stage,
85
00:04:24,174 --> 00:04:26,003
and then Jerry will introduce you.
86
00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:28,765
- Jerry is here?
- Who Jerry?
87
00:04:29,098 --> 00:04:31,273
Jerry's the one who
put on this whole event.
88
00:04:31,284 --> 00:04:34,184
Look out, Manhattan all-girls
private-school vampires.
89
00:04:34,356 --> 00:04:37,808
Vicious, ruthless killers, both
socially and in a murder sense.
90
00:04:38,108 --> 00:04:39,419
What's up, girlies?
91
00:04:39,465 --> 00:04:42,433
Ew.
92
00:04:42,702 --> 00:04:44,187
- Hey!
- Told ya.
93
00:04:44,198 --> 00:04:46,303
- Check one, check two.
- Cute.
94
00:04:47,531 --> 00:04:48,834
Hello. Hi.
95
00:04:48,844 --> 00:04:50,598
I can't believe this total zero
96
00:04:50,608 --> 00:04:52,795
gets to introduce the Baron Afanas.
97
00:04:52,806 --> 00:04:54,020
Doesn't seem right.
98
00:04:54,031 --> 00:04:56,994
He hasn't even sucked him
off, let alone been nuts deep.
99
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,279
All right.
100
00:04:58,290 --> 00:04:59,783
- Just be quiet.
- You be quiet.
101
00:04:59,794 --> 00:05:02,486
Can you count, suckers?
102
00:05:06,135 --> 00:05:07,965
Look around you.
103
00:05:07,976 --> 00:05:10,496
Look at all these different vampires,
104
00:05:10,669 --> 00:05:13,119
all gathered together as one.
105
00:05:13,130 --> 00:05:14,751
Yes. How about it?
106
00:05:14,762 --> 00:05:16,660
We've got our Coney
Island carny vampires...
107
00:05:17,182 --> 00:05:20,782
side by side with our
leatherette vampires.
108
00:05:21,117 --> 00:05:23,476
We've got our Rockaway surfers...
109
00:05:23,487 --> 00:05:26,248
right next to our JFK TSA vampires.
110
00:05:27,063 --> 00:05:32,068
- Thank you for your service!
- This city doesn't bleed without you all.
111
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,580
- Yes!
- That's right! That's right, Jerry!
112
00:05:36,591 --> 00:05:41,147
Tonight we've gathered to hear
from our esteemed leader...
113
00:05:41,482 --> 00:05:44,381
the great Baron Afanas.
114
00:05:44,392 --> 00:05:48,914
Our supreme commander in charge
of our conquest of the New World.
115
00:05:49,086 --> 00:05:50,260
Yes, conquest!
116
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:55,363
At least, that was the plan, right?
117
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,322
Wasn't it?
118
00:05:57,592 --> 00:05:59,473
Taking over the New World?
119
00:06:00,672 --> 00:06:02,364
People feeling good about it?
120
00:06:02,375 --> 00:06:04,032
I'm just asking questions. I don't know.
121
00:06:04,205 --> 00:06:08,036
Maybe the Baron will be able to
provide some of these answers tonight.
122
00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:11,833
Maybe there's a
perfectly good explanation
123
00:06:12,006 --> 00:06:16,182
for why we were sent here 250
years ago to conquer the continent
124
00:06:16,355 --> 00:06:19,530
and we still find ourselves
cowering in the shadows.
125
00:06:21,463 --> 00:06:24,604
- Do you have an answer for that? Do you know why?
- What's this shit?
126
00:06:24,939 --> 00:06:26,803
- When can we move on?
- Jerry.
127
00:06:26,814 --> 00:06:28,885
That introduction I cannot live up to.
128
00:06:29,218 --> 00:06:32,118
- Thank you, thank you.
- 'Cause here's what I wanna know.
129
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:34,742
- What the fuck?
- Does the fault lie in ourselves?
130
00:06:35,413 --> 00:06:37,380
Does it lie in our stars?
131
00:06:37,885 --> 00:06:38,955
Or...
132
00:06:39,723 --> 00:06:42,761
does it lie in our leadership?
133
00:06:43,095 --> 00:06:45,235
- He has a point!
- I'm genuinely asking. I don't know.
134
00:06:45,246 --> 00:06:46,969
- Hey, hey.
- What is he talking about?
135
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:48,948
Move!
136
00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:52,046
Gimme that. How dare
you disrespect this man?
137
00:06:52,576 --> 00:06:55,165
- Hear! Hear!
- This is the great,
138
00:06:55,176 --> 00:06:58,301
the beautiful Baron Afanas.
139
00:07:02,953 --> 00:07:06,750
And this man, this mixer
of boiling hot feces,
140
00:07:07,247 --> 00:07:08,972
he knows not of his place.
141
00:07:08,983 --> 00:07:12,607
He's nothing but a sower of
discontent and disrespect.
142
00:07:12,618 --> 00:07:14,275
Let me see that.
143
00:07:14,447 --> 00:07:15,794
- Puttana! No!
- Let me see that.
144
00:07:15,805 --> 00:07:17,151
- No. No. Shut up!
- Hold on. Hold on.
145
00:07:17,485 --> 00:07:20,039
No. No, no, don't...
146
00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:26,508
Ah!
147
00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:31,005
- Uh...
- Okay. Uh, that was not my fault.
148
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:35,244
Jerry was killed by that
Frankenstein monster!
149
00:07:36,182 --> 00:07:37,908
It's Cravensworth's monster.
150
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,979
Run! Run!
151
00:07:39,990 --> 00:07:42,786
They killed Jerry! The Staten
Island vampires killed Jerry!
152
00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,467
- No, we didn't.
- Kill them!
153
00:07:45,478 --> 00:07:47,066
We should get the fuck out of here!
154
00:07:53,452 --> 00:07:56,248
Kill them!
155
00:08:10,883 --> 00:08:12,989
Fucking hell. How
many bats are up there?
156
00:08:13,474 --> 00:08:15,476
So flying home is not an option.
157
00:08:15,487 --> 00:08:17,834
Where do we go, what
do we do and how do we do it?
158
00:08:17,856 --> 00:08:21,342
We need to get home.
Which way is home? Is it north?
159
00:08:21,675 --> 00:08:24,023
- I'm certain we are south.
- No. No, we're not. I'm feeling east.
160
00:08:24,054 --> 00:08:25,538
You know I can't fly, you dicks.
161
00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:28,131
Ah. Colin Robinson,
do you know how to get home?
162
00:08:28,304 --> 00:08:30,340
No, I have no idea. I...
163
00:08:30,351 --> 00:08:33,664
I never thought I'd ever say this,
but I think we need to call Gizmo.
164
00:08:33,837 --> 00:08:36,266
- Ah! Yes.
- Yes, great idea.
165
00:08:36,277 --> 00:08:39,142
Guillermo!
166
00:08:39,153 --> 00:08:41,741
Not like that, you fucking idiot.
With the phone that he's doing.
167
00:08:42,075 --> 00:08:43,732
I can also try echolocating.
168
00:08:43,904 --> 00:08:47,115
Nadja, I'm on the phone!
169
00:08:47,174 --> 00:08:48,900
Come one, man. That's
why you gotta concentrate.
170
00:08:48,911 --> 00:08:50,464
I was concentrating.
171
00:08:50,475 --> 00:08:53,548
So this new job has a
documentary about it too?
172
00:08:54,547 --> 00:08:57,102
No, it's actually the same documentary.
173
00:08:57,274 --> 00:08:59,587
It just now follows a
guy who quits his old job
174
00:08:59,598 --> 00:09:01,773
and goes out into the regular world.
175
00:09:02,107 --> 00:09:05,916
Okay, word. So it's like
Sling Blade. But boring.
176
00:09:05,927 --> 00:09:08,033
Know what, Miguel? This is
why I don't hang out with you.
177
00:09:08,044 --> 00:09:10,080
You don't hang out
with any of the familia.
178
00:09:10,295 --> 00:09:11,453
I don't because every time I do,
179
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,590
they make me feel guilty
that I'm always busy.
180
00:09:13,601 --> 00:09:16,016
This was a mistake. I'm
sorry. I'm gonna go, okay?
181
00:09:16,027 --> 00:09:18,891
Hey, hey. Come on, Memo.
I'm not mad at you, man.
182
00:09:19,275 --> 00:09:21,691
We love you. All right? We were worried.
183
00:09:21,989 --> 00:09:24,003
We never saw you. You're
out there on your own.
184
00:09:24,014 --> 00:09:25,705
You never even talked
about having any friends.
185
00:09:25,716 --> 00:09:27,857
Don't worry about me, okay?
I have plenty of friends.
186
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:29,082
Oh, really? That's great.
187
00:09:29,092 --> 00:09:31,048
Name me one friend.
Like, who's your best friend?
188
00:09:31,059 --> 00:09:33,021
That would be, uh, Nandor.
189
00:09:33,032 --> 00:09:34,054
Nandor?
190
00:09:34,065 --> 00:09:37,789
My... My boss. My ex-boss.
He's not my boss anymore.
191
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,432
Your best friend is your former boss?
192
00:09:39,443 --> 00:09:41,238
I know, okay? It's complicated, but...
193
00:09:41,582 --> 00:09:42,684
Wait.
194
00:09:43,220 --> 00:09:44,325
Colin?
195
00:09:44,544 --> 00:09:46,062
Wait, slow down. What?
196
00:09:47,877 --> 00:09:50,707
Here we go, Mr.
Drama Queen. Just like always.
197
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,292
Every time we start to have fun, you all
198
00:09:52,302 --> 00:09:53,606
of a sudden have an emergency somewhere.
199
00:09:53,617 --> 00:09:55,826
- My friends need help. They're in danger.
- In danger?
200
00:09:56,161 --> 00:09:58,301
It's gonna sound crazy, but
someone's trying to kill them.
201
00:09:58,922 --> 00:10:01,511
- What the fuck?
- Just please let me go.
202
00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:03,962
No, no. Fuck that. I'm going
with you, all right? Let's roll.
203
00:10:04,134 --> 00:10:05,947
You don't even know them.
Why would you wanna come?
204
00:10:05,958 --> 00:10:07,243
I don't need to know them.
205
00:10:07,254 --> 00:10:10,098
You're my familia, all right? I
have to have your back. Let's go.
206
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:14,162
- Okay.
- An attack on your friends is an attack on all of us.
207
00:10:14,317 --> 00:10:15,845
Seat belt on.
208
00:10:15,856 --> 00:10:17,927
Wait. You should know before we
go that my friends, they're...
209
00:10:18,814 --> 00:10:19,993
they're not like
210
00:10:20,947 --> 00:10:22,307
the regular people that you know.
211
00:10:22,318 --> 00:10:24,148
Memo, will you chill out?
I have gay friends,
212
00:10:24,158 --> 00:10:26,064
all right? It's not
a big deal. !¡AÁndale!
213
00:10:30,564 --> 00:10:32,531
And remember, when we
find them, I get dibs
214
00:10:32,703 --> 00:10:35,430
- on killing the one with the really gross man bun.
- So cringe.
215
00:10:37,892 --> 00:10:39,756
- They're not here. Let's go.
- Okay, let's go.
216
00:10:44,604 --> 00:10:47,538
Okay.
That was not supposed to go that way.
217
00:10:47,902 --> 00:10:51,112
I cannot believe that Jerry
betrayed the Baron like that.
218
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,528
As long as you are all right,
that's all that matters.
219
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:56,106
- Ugh.
- I have been serving Jerry for months.
220
00:10:56,117 --> 00:10:58,223
I feel so betrayed. I'm so sorry.
221
00:10:58,395 --> 00:11:01,157
I hear you, I hear you. You
know, trust is essential...
222
00:11:01,168 --> 00:11:03,964
Um... We're just gonna give you
guys a minute. Just give you some...
223
00:11:04,325 --> 00:11:06,289
Sounds like this Jerry does not get...
224
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:10,338
Laszlo, why did your monster flip
the fuck out and pop Jerry's head?
225
00:11:10,673 --> 00:11:13,572
He was just performing
his duties as a protector.
226
00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:15,000
Well, then how do I know that he might
227
00:11:15,010 --> 00:11:17,345
not just flip out one
day and pop my head?
228
00:11:17,356 --> 00:11:19,703
- My monster would never do that.
- How could you be so sure?
229
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:23,030
Look at the mess that thing has created.
230
00:11:23,041 --> 00:11:25,390
That lumbering, demented donkey of a
231
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,562
creature is clearly capable of anything.
232
00:11:27,735 --> 00:11:31,981
No, no, no. He's not. My darling,
my monster would never hurt you.
233
00:11:32,542 --> 00:11:33,972
I didn't want you to know,
234
00:11:33,983 --> 00:11:36,364
but the sole objective of
creating him in the first place
235
00:11:36,904 --> 00:11:38,215
was to keep you safe.
236
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:40,883
- What?
- My darling,
237
00:11:40,894 --> 00:11:42,981
if anything were to happen to me,
238
00:11:42,992 --> 00:11:44,855
you would be protected.
239
00:11:45,190 --> 00:11:46,985
- What?
- When have I ever needed protecting
240
00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:48,516
from anything or anyone?
241
00:11:48,527 --> 00:11:50,011
I knew you'd react like this.
242
00:11:50,022 --> 00:11:51,541
For the record, my darling,
243
00:11:51,714 --> 00:11:54,682
I was a vampire on my own for centuries.
244
00:11:54,693 --> 00:11:56,936
Before you came along, Mr. Cravensworth,
245
00:11:56,947 --> 00:12:01,607
I once ripped an entire pack of
werewolves to shreds with my bare fangs
246
00:12:02,103 --> 00:12:05,106
and then scattered their entrails
on the road like a confetti.
247
00:12:05,117 --> 00:12:08,914
- I've heard this story a thousand...
- Ah! A confetti.
248
00:12:13,259 --> 00:12:14,450
The skies are clear.
249
00:12:14,461 --> 00:12:15,910
Let's try to get our bearings.
250
00:12:16,082 --> 00:12:18,947
Look. Look down there.
251
00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:22,893
Athletes preparing for a
baseball game? At this hour?
252
00:12:22,904 --> 00:12:25,942
They're not athletes, you tit.
They're the Bronx Bomber vampires.
253
00:12:26,438 --> 00:12:28,026
Well, they're looking for us.
254
00:12:28,037 --> 00:12:30,073
Good. Let's just take them on
and get this over with.
255
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:31,881
No, we should cross the bridge.
256
00:12:31,892 --> 00:12:33,047
Okay.
257
00:12:33,065 --> 00:12:35,067
- Keep walking.
- They're coming up here!
258
00:12:35,239 --> 00:12:36,965
Just keep walking.
259
00:12:37,138 --> 00:12:38,381
- What now?
- Shit.
260
00:12:38,392 --> 00:12:41,429
Oh, no. It's the Meatpacking
District vampires.
261
00:12:41,764 --> 00:12:43,800
As deadly as they are beautiful.
262
00:12:43,811 --> 00:12:45,399
I wouldn't mind having my meat packed.
263
00:12:45,571 --> 00:12:47,746
- This way. To the subway.
- Shut the fuck up.
264
00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:50,197
- Flee! Down here!
- We must run!
265
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,406
Come on. Take cover fast!
266
00:12:52,578 --> 00:12:54,615
Fuck yeah. I see an entrance.
267
00:12:54,787 --> 00:12:56,134
Come on. Hurry.
268
00:12:56,306 --> 00:12:57,756
Does the subway
even go to Staten Island?
269
00:12:57,928 --> 00:12:59,827
- Stay close, Blondie.
- What the fuck?
270
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,232
Hey. What's this shit?
271
00:13:02,243 --> 00:13:04,073
- Great. Jumping vampires.
- All right. Cool down.
272
00:13:04,180 --> 00:13:05,699
Is it hat vampires?
273
00:13:05,710 --> 00:13:07,781
- Fuck off. Fuck off.
- Oh, shit.
274
00:13:08,342 --> 00:13:10,206
No. What are they?
275
00:13:10,379 --> 00:13:11,645
These guys are the, uh...
276
00:13:13,047 --> 00:13:15,739
I don't actually know what
kind of vampires these are.
277
00:13:15,912 --> 00:13:18,777
- Are they '80s vampires?
- Breakdance vampires?
278
00:13:18,949 --> 00:13:21,918
No, I think they're
Fame the movie vampires,
279
00:13:22,091 --> 00:13:24,438
or Fame the TV show vampires.
280
00:13:24,449 --> 00:13:28,281
And the space suit fella must
represent MTV or something.
281
00:13:28,614 --> 00:13:31,100
Then what's with the
riverboat gambler guy?
282
00:13:31,433 --> 00:13:33,021
They lost me there. I have no clue.
283
00:13:33,356 --> 00:13:35,289
You killed Jerry the vampire.
284
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,785
No, no. That was done
by a random monster.
285
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:39,154
- Shazam!
- Uh-oh.
286
00:13:39,165 --> 00:13:41,237
- Five, six, seven, eight.
- No!
287
00:13:41,248 --> 00:13:42,973
What's this shit?
288
00:13:43,146 --> 00:13:44,975
- Ooh!
- Oh! Okay.
289
00:13:45,148 --> 00:13:47,495
They're twinkle-toe
vampires. I got this.
290
00:13:50,222 --> 00:13:51,982
Have you ever seen feet
move at this medium pace?
291
00:13:52,317 --> 00:13:54,008
- All right.
- That's a nice one. Aha!
292
00:13:54,180 --> 00:13:55,630
Oh.
293
00:13:55,641 --> 00:13:57,643
- Fuck off.
- Wow.
294
00:13:57,816 --> 00:13:59,887
- It's really good.
- Not bad.
295
00:14:00,215 --> 00:14:01,838
- Oh...
- Fuck this shit.
296
00:14:02,510 --> 00:14:04,374
What? What?
297
00:14:04,708 --> 00:14:06,296
- Okay.
- What the fuck?
298
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:08,965
Fuck, Laszlo!
299
00:14:08,976 --> 00:14:10,749
They really weren't that threatening.
300
00:14:10,760 --> 00:14:12,374
You idiot.
301
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:14,628
Well, he's dead.
302
00:14:14,639 --> 00:14:16,632
- Full house.
- I was handling it.
303
00:14:16,643 --> 00:14:17,713
Sorry.
304
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,070
Let's just keep moving, all right?
305
00:14:19,504 --> 00:14:20,747
We'll get above ground...
306
00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,070
- Okay.
- ... so Guillermo can find us.
307
00:14:22,243 --> 00:14:23,570
- Good idea.
- Whatever.
308
00:14:23,581 --> 00:14:26,036
You know, I really
like it when you take charge.
309
00:14:29,399 --> 00:14:31,068
No, no, no.
310
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:32,909
Don't worry about the address.
I'll text when I get it.
311
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,371
Just gather 'em up. Keep your
phone on, all right? All right.
312
00:14:35,538 --> 00:14:36,806
Who was that?
313
00:14:36,817 --> 00:14:39,318
- Some friends. In case we need backup.
- Backup?
314
00:14:39,329 --> 00:14:40,826
You said your friends
are gonna get killed.
315
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:42,391
I don't know what's gonna happen.
316
00:14:42,402 --> 00:14:44,058
- Where are they, man?
- I don't know, okay?
317
00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:46,716
Colin lost his location,
so maybe he lost reception.
318
00:14:46,727 --> 00:14:49,592
- I can try calling again. I don't know.
- Are these people even real?
319
00:14:49,603 --> 00:14:51,928
Are you kidding me right
now? Yes, they're real.
320
00:14:51,939 --> 00:14:54,597
- Why would I be doing this if they're not real?
- I just had to check.
321
00:14:54,608 --> 00:14:57,301
- Had to check? They're real, okay? Don't worry.
- You're acting crazy.
322
00:14:57,312 --> 00:15:01,063
They're my friends, and they're
vampires, so there's that.
323
00:15:01,074 --> 00:15:02,697
- Did you just say they're vampires?
- Yeah.
324
00:15:02,997 --> 00:15:04,423
Actually, you met one of them.
325
00:15:04,595 --> 00:15:06,425
- What?
- Yeah, but you attacked her.
326
00:15:06,598 --> 00:15:07,599
- The fuck?
- You attacked her.
327
00:15:07,610 --> 00:15:09,094
I would remember something like that.
328
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:11,027
How could you? She hypnotized you.
329
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,005
How you gonna remember, hmm?
330
00:15:18,276 --> 00:15:20,519
- You know what? Let's just keep driving.
- Yeah, let's keep driving.
331
00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:22,130
Oh, it's Colin.
332
00:15:22,141 --> 00:15:25,006
Hey, hey. Hi, Colin. Where are you?
333
00:15:27,737 --> 00:15:29,148
Okey dokey.
334
00:15:29,159 --> 00:15:32,106
I just got off the phone with Gizmo
335
00:15:32,278 --> 00:15:35,074
and gave him... our locash.
336
00:15:35,246 --> 00:15:36,436
You know, Laszlo,
337
00:15:36,447 --> 00:15:39,554
I had those dancing vampire
freaks in the palm of my hands.
338
00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:43,991
I do not need you or your
stupid monster to protect me.
339
00:15:44,546 --> 00:15:45,962
Is that what you think?
340
00:15:46,807 --> 00:15:51,674
My darling, I did not train
my monster to protect you
341
00:15:51,925 --> 00:15:54,342
because I thought you
could not live without me.
342
00:15:55,439 --> 00:15:56,957
I trained that monster
343
00:15:57,669 --> 00:15:59,843
because I cannot live without you.
344
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:03,841
Laszlo,
345
00:16:04,193 --> 00:16:06,554
I cannot live without you.
346
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:10,259
But if something was to happen
to you and I was to lose you,
347
00:16:10,593 --> 00:16:13,147
it wouldn't be your
protection I would miss.
348
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,804
It would be you.
349
00:16:14,815 --> 00:16:18,128
Your looks, the layers
in your hairs. Your wit.
350
00:16:19,015 --> 00:16:22,467
And the way you use
that extremely large hog.
351
00:16:22,925 --> 00:16:25,021
And that cannot be taught.
352
00:16:25,194 --> 00:16:26,678
No, it can't.
353
00:16:28,173 --> 00:16:29,657
Aw. They're being sweet again.
354
00:16:31,062 --> 00:16:32,538
- Yes.
- The way that...
355
00:16:32,549 --> 00:16:34,275
Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
356
00:16:35,526 --> 00:16:36,735
Think about what?
357
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,010
Well, isn't it obvious?
358
00:16:40,012 --> 00:16:43,292
I have been searching
for love for so very long,
359
00:16:44,810 --> 00:16:46,467
and it was right here the whole time.
360
00:16:47,055 --> 00:16:48,677
Right under my nose.
361
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,658
In front of my nose.
362
00:16:53,935 --> 00:16:55,523
- Me?
- You.
363
00:16:57,098 --> 00:16:58,859
Ugh.
364
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,160
- So, I've watched your search for love.
- Mm-hmm.
365
00:17:01,574 --> 00:17:03,335
This one, that one.
366
00:17:03,739 --> 00:17:05,154
- Your dead wife.
- Yes.
367
00:17:05,165 --> 00:17:07,305
- Guillermo's boyfriend.
- Freddie.
368
00:17:07,316 --> 00:17:11,078
Gail. I mean, basically, anyone
and everyone who wasn't me.
369
00:17:11,411 --> 00:17:13,828
And I've seen after
you won their hearts.
370
00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:15,723
It all falls apart.
371
00:17:16,110 --> 00:17:19,700
Because you're all about the
conquest, not the victory.
372
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:23,330
You're a good friend, but
you will never have me.
373
00:17:24,273 --> 00:17:25,281
Ever.
374
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,764
Sorry, could you run that by me again?
375
00:17:28,775 --> 00:17:30,362
I completely zoned out.
376
00:17:30,500 --> 00:17:33,779
I got ever so lost in those big,
377
00:17:33,790 --> 00:17:36,206
beautiful blue eyes of yours.
378
00:17:36,379 --> 00:17:38,450
I said you'll never have me.
379
00:17:38,623 --> 00:17:41,522
- I have a little bit of self-respect.
- A little... bit.
380
00:17:42,088 --> 00:17:43,986
- I just feel so ready for love.
- Okay.
381
00:17:43,997 --> 00:17:46,137
- Mmm... Wait a minute. What is that?
- Hey.
382
00:17:46,619 --> 00:17:48,207
- Laszlo.
- Oh, shit.
383
00:17:48,768 --> 00:17:50,911
- What the fuck?
- Graveyard vampires.
384
00:17:51,245 --> 00:17:53,558
Well, you hang out in a graveyard,
385
00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,053
you can expect spooky crap like this.
386
00:17:55,974 --> 00:17:57,389
Oh, bloody fuck.
387
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,919
- Should we...
- There's too many of them.
388
00:17:59,091 --> 00:18:01,059
- Run while you can.
- Yes, yes. Come on, Laszlo.
389
00:18:01,393 --> 00:18:03,568
- This way. Come on, you skull fucks.
- Yes.
390
00:18:05,407 --> 00:18:08,538
Here. Quick! Shit. Shit.
391
00:18:08,710 --> 00:18:11,023
Come on, do your worst.
392
00:18:11,034 --> 00:18:13,140
Fucking hell. Ah!
393
00:18:13,711 --> 00:18:15,610
No, no, no! Wait!
394
00:18:16,697 --> 00:18:18,030
No. Fuck off.
395
00:18:18,202 --> 00:18:21,102
Ah! I see you know your judo well.
396
00:18:21,113 --> 00:18:23,322
- Laszlo!
- It's all right, my darling. I'll be right there.
397
00:18:23,657 --> 00:18:26,073
I'm coming! Hang your cape on that.
398
00:18:26,246 --> 00:18:27,799
Get your hands off me.
399
00:18:29,189 --> 00:18:30,519
Get out, you motherfucker!
400
00:18:32,157 --> 00:18:33,262
Ooh.
401
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:38,303
Nadja! There's some over here too.
402
00:18:38,476 --> 00:18:41,202
All right. Who's next?
I can do this all night long.
403
00:18:43,952 --> 00:18:46,127
- Fuck off.
- Oh.
404
00:18:46,138 --> 00:18:48,106
- Help me up.
- Laszlo.
405
00:18:49,521 --> 00:18:51,627
- Where's my wife?
- She's over there.
406
00:18:51,971 --> 00:18:54,802
Okay. Very good aim. Wow!
407
00:18:55,412 --> 00:18:57,276
Look at my gruesome girl go.
408
00:18:57,448 --> 00:18:59,658
It's like front row at a Gallagher show.
409
00:19:00,002 --> 00:19:01,548
I think maybe he's dead?
410
00:19:01,559 --> 00:19:03,739
I will say when he's dead.
411
00:19:03,750 --> 00:19:06,684
Very impressive. But I think there
might be more vampires on the way.
412
00:19:07,148 --> 00:19:08,805
- Perhaps we should get out of here.
- In a minute!
413
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,036
Okay.
414
00:19:13,425 --> 00:19:15,016
Now we can go.
415
00:19:15,027 --> 00:19:16,684
Great. Let's do that.
416
00:19:26,696 --> 00:19:29,021
- Do you want a straw?
- Nope.
417
00:19:29,032 --> 00:19:31,828
You think that maybe we should
order coffee drinks... thank you...
418
00:19:32,001 --> 00:19:33,347
so we don't look like
a bunch of vampires
419
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,522
sat around waiting for
our familiar to save us?
420
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:38,397
We can all be here without
everyone ordering coffee.
421
00:19:38,408 --> 00:19:40,445
And we can stay at the
table as long as we want.
422
00:19:41,101 --> 00:19:43,207
And when it comes to the bathrooms,
423
00:19:43,218 --> 00:19:45,186
- legally, it's Thunderdome.
- Hey.
424
00:19:45,521 --> 00:19:46,695
- Guillermo!
- Guillermo.
425
00:19:46,706 --> 00:19:47,993
- Finally.
- Hey, Gomez.
426
00:19:48,004 --> 00:19:50,664
- You took your sweet time.
- Nadja, you all right? You have a little...
427
00:19:50,675 --> 00:19:52,780
Yeah, covered, uh, in
brain and blood and guts.
428
00:19:52,952 --> 00:19:54,851
Yes. Thank you for noticing.
429
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:57,175
So, uh, your vampire friends, they
hang out at coffee shops?
430
00:19:57,686 --> 00:20:00,167
Hey, look, no offense.
I love the costumes, man.
431
00:20:00,178 --> 00:20:02,491
You turn your mom's rug into a
dress? That's pretty cool.
432
00:20:02,683 --> 00:20:04,985
But, uh, you guys really
think you're vampires?
433
00:20:06,103 --> 00:20:08,071
No, Nandor. Don't
hurt him. That's my cousin, Miguel.
434
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,084
No kidding.
435
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:13,421
So you are the famous Miguel.
We have heard lots about you.
436
00:20:13,594 --> 00:20:15,182
What the fuck?
437
00:20:15,193 --> 00:20:17,540
Guillermo tells us you're
very tough and very cool
438
00:20:17,874 --> 00:20:20,359
and once locked him in
a cupboard for six hours.
439
00:20:20,532 --> 00:20:22,396
- Put it there.
- Don't need to fist bump on that.
440
00:20:22,407 --> 00:20:24,685
Sorry about that. Let's
straighten that for you.
441
00:20:25,019 --> 00:20:26,745
- You guys kill people?
- No shit, Kojak.
442
00:20:27,261 --> 00:20:28,462
Chillax, Miguel.
443
00:20:28,473 --> 00:20:30,922
'Cause a member of Guillermo's
family is a member of our family.
444
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,672
- Right, guys?
- Right.
445
00:20:32,683 --> 00:20:34,650
- "Vamilia."
- Nadnor! I have a Nadnor.
446
00:20:34,894 --> 00:20:36,137
Is that for you, Nandor?
447
00:20:36,148 --> 00:20:38,097
No, she is calling
someone called Nadnor.
448
00:20:38,107 --> 00:20:39,678
Also, I have not ordered anything, so...
449
00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:44,176
- I have one roundhouse kick for a Nandor.
- Yes. I am Nan...
450
00:20:45,937 --> 00:20:48,526
How quaint. A barista vampire.
451
00:20:48,537 --> 00:20:51,332
We're not barista vampires.
We're artist and writer vampires
452
00:20:51,828 --> 00:20:54,589
who happen to currently
be working as baristas.
453
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,810
And graphic designer vampires.
454
00:20:57,144 --> 00:20:58,870
- Hi. I'm Cass.
- Hi, Cass.
455
00:20:58,881 --> 00:21:01,953
Personal essayist vampire Louis here.
456
00:21:01,964 --> 00:21:04,104
- Got a shot for Nandor.
- Oh, that's me. Yes.
457
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,244
Fucking guy.
458
00:21:06,416 --> 00:21:08,211
My mistake. That was
supposed to be a double shot.
459
00:21:09,454 --> 00:21:11,234
Whoa. Oh, shit.
460
00:21:11,245 --> 00:21:12,372
Oh, I forgot to mention.
461
00:21:12,382 --> 00:21:13,516
You have Van Helsing
blood running through you.
462
00:21:13,527 --> 00:21:15,771
- What?
- It's a long story. I'll tell you later, okay?
463
00:21:20,189 --> 00:21:21,190
Bat.
464
00:21:23,246 --> 00:21:26,042
Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
It's because I said the word "bat."
465
00:21:27,817 --> 00:21:30,130
- And I've done it again. I meant to say...
- Miguel.
466
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:33,842
Should we get involved?
467
00:21:34,433 --> 00:21:37,298
You know, I forgot how
scrappy Gizmo can be
468
00:21:37,309 --> 00:21:39,545
when he gets a bit of
a bee in his bonnet.
469
00:21:39,556 --> 00:21:40,636
Ooh.
470
00:21:40,647 --> 00:21:42,407
Steam.
471
00:21:42,736 --> 00:21:43,737
"Vampuccino."
472
00:21:43,748 --> 00:21:44,956
I will fucking kill you.
473
00:21:48,966 --> 00:21:51,416
Ah! Ooh. Very good.
474
00:21:53,843 --> 00:21:56,190
Almost there. Keep reaching, Gizmo.
475
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,023
Nice shot.
476
00:22:01,762 --> 00:22:03,428
- Ooh. Dead. Very good.
- Guillermo.
477
00:22:03,601 --> 00:22:04,971
- We should go.
- Yes.
478
00:22:04,982 --> 00:22:06,707
What the fuck is that?
479
00:22:06,915 --> 00:22:08,606
Just some homeys of mine. I called
them in case we were outnumbered.
480
00:22:08,617 --> 00:22:12,517
Here they come. Hell
yeah! Donnie brought the Spyder.
481
00:22:12,851 --> 00:22:14,991
- Fancy a ride, my darling?
- Hello.
482
00:22:15,002 --> 00:22:16,141
We gotta go.
483
00:22:16,475 --> 00:22:17,856
This one? Hold on, hold on.
484
00:22:17,867 --> 00:22:19,938
- Get in, man.
- Colin Robinson!
485
00:22:20,111 --> 00:22:21,422
Let's go. We have to go.
486
00:22:22,976 --> 00:22:24,633
I don't want to get my cape caught.
487
00:22:32,525 --> 00:22:33,803
Ah.
488
00:22:33,814 --> 00:22:35,418
- Oh, home.
- Oh, yes.
489
00:22:35,429 --> 00:22:36,495
- We're home.
- Ooh, doggy.
490
00:22:36,668 --> 00:22:38,670
- Baron?
- Well, well, well.
491
00:22:38,843 --> 00:22:40,051
You're okay!
492
00:22:40,223 --> 00:22:41,733
Look who came home!
493
00:22:41,744 --> 00:22:43,813
Baron, how did you get back so fast?
494
00:22:43,985 --> 00:22:48,576
Did you know that Staten Island
has an above-ground train?
495
00:22:48,749 --> 00:22:50,682
- It's actually quite pleasant.
- Hey...
496
00:22:50,693 --> 00:22:52,772
And it gave me a chance to open up
497
00:22:52,782 --> 00:22:55,560
that Louise Penny I have on audiobook.
498
00:22:55,926 --> 00:22:58,593
- Love her.
- She's okay. But a quick question.
499
00:22:58,604 --> 00:23:00,537
What the hell were you thinking?
500
00:23:00,726 --> 00:23:02,970
Why did you kill Jerry the Vampire?
501
00:23:02,981 --> 00:23:07,227
B-Because, Baron, Jerry was a
huge threat to your almighty power.
502
00:23:08,230 --> 00:23:09,369
Yes.
503
00:23:09,380 --> 00:23:11,693
Which is why I wanted to kill him myself
504
00:23:12,866 --> 00:23:14,523
in front of everyone
505
00:23:14,534 --> 00:23:16,881
to reassert my power.
506
00:23:17,053 --> 00:23:19,055
Do you honestly think
that I did not know
507
00:23:19,227 --> 00:23:21,195
this insipid gathering was a trap?
508
00:23:21,561 --> 00:23:23,070
You knew?
509
00:23:23,081 --> 00:23:24,578
Of course I knew.
510
00:23:25,014 --> 00:23:27,754
I didn't know Jerry
was the enemy, Baron.
511
00:23:27,767 --> 00:23:31,184
But that is no excuse.
I have dishonored myself.
512
00:23:31,831 --> 00:23:35,075
But even worse, I have dishonored you.
513
00:23:35,710 --> 00:23:38,086
I will now take my own life.
514
00:23:38,097 --> 00:23:40,432
- No. No!
- No, let me...
515
00:23:40,963 --> 00:23:43,241
- I will not.
- Let her.
516
00:23:43,252 --> 00:23:46,048
- Baron, take my life instead.
- Do it.
517
00:23:46,059 --> 00:23:49,143
- Huh.
- Hold on here. Are you two a thing?
518
00:23:49,154 --> 00:23:51,225
- No. Not at all.
- It's early days.
519
00:23:51,236 --> 00:23:54,239
Get up. We're going to run
out of vampires at this rate.
520
00:23:54,447 --> 00:23:56,276
What the blazes?
521
00:23:58,588 --> 00:24:00,280
Gift.
522
00:24:00,291 --> 00:24:02,777
Oh. Jerry's crushed head. Thank you.
523
00:24:03,271 --> 00:24:05,101
Very nice.
524
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:07,597
You can just lay that down there.
525
00:24:07,608 --> 00:24:10,037
I will find somewhere
lovely for it later.
526
00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:11,912
- Now, we all have much organizing...
- Good job.
527
00:24:12,085 --> 00:24:13,707
... to do for tomorrow evening.
528
00:24:14,169 --> 00:24:16,378
To set this right.
529
00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:18,805
Here we are again.
530
00:24:18,953 --> 00:24:21,956
Jerry tried to tear us apart.
531
00:24:22,487 --> 00:24:24,983
But we, unlike Jerry,
532
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,871
will work as one.
533
00:24:27,882 --> 00:24:30,576
- Yes.
- For it will take all of us,
534
00:24:30,587 --> 00:24:32,784
all vampires,
535
00:24:32,795 --> 00:24:35,660
to bring the humans of this new world
536
00:24:35,995 --> 00:24:38,963
under our dominion.
537
00:24:39,136 --> 00:24:41,793
- Yes!
- Any questions?
538
00:24:43,605 --> 00:24:45,201
Ah.
539
00:24:50,882 --> 00:24:53,678
Okay. Anybody else? Let's
see. There was someone...
540
00:24:53,851 --> 00:24:54,921
Ah. You.
541
00:24:56,585 --> 00:24:57,966
Did you have a question?
542
00:24:59,672 --> 00:25:01,364
- Uh, nope.
- Are you sure?
543
00:25:01,536 --> 00:25:03,953
Because I thought I saw your hand go up.
544
00:25:05,330 --> 00:25:08,979
I thought I had a... had a
question, but then y-you answered it.
545
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,478
Just as I thought.
546
00:25:14,032 --> 00:25:15,275
Vampires dismissed.
547
00:25:17,311 --> 00:25:18,726
Two nights out in a row.
548
00:25:18,737 --> 00:25:20,878
The Sire's never gonna let
me hear the end of this.
549
00:26:15,747 --> 00:26:21,120
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