1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,920 - [crew members clamoring] - Hello. 2 00:00:05,338 --> 00:00:06,505 Hi. 3 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:07,590 - Hello. - Hey. 4 00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,385 [Nandor] What is this shit? 5 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,471 Oh-- Uh, Hold there, please. 6 00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:16,890 - But I am going home. - It's just gonna be for a few seconds. 7 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:18,600 We're just in the middle of shooting something. 8 00:00:18,601 --> 00:00:20,936 Very cool. What are we shooting? 9 00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:23,230 - Dogs? Criminals? - [crew member 1] Cut. 10 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:25,816 - I'm not allowed to say, but what-- - [crew member 1] Adam, we're cutting. 11 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:27,985 Cut! Brad, can you go to two? 12 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,278 Who is Brad? 13 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,863 Brad's 10-1, copy. Okay. 14 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,782 10'1"! What a tall fellow this Brad is. 15 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,909 Copy. All right, we're moving to the dolly shot! 16 00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:38,787 Dolly? Nadja would be devastated if her dolly was shot. 17 00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:39,913 No, I must intervene. 18 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,874 No. We're going again. 19 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,168 [Adam screams] 20 00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:47,671 Shit, shit, shit. Shitty, shitty, shit. 21 00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:50,299 Gentlemen. Gentlemen. Gentlemen, we are under attack. 22 00:00:50,300 --> 00:00:52,760 A militia has assembled on our territory. 23 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:53,844 - [Laszlo] I know! - It's not a militia. 24 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,637 They're just filming a TV show. 25 00:00:55,638 --> 00:00:57,681 Well, this TV show has invaded our territory. 26 00:00:57,682 --> 00:01:02,019 They are attacking us with their trucks and their lights and their gigantic Brads. 27 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:04,271 Nandor thinks everything is a war. 28 00:01:04,272 --> 00:01:05,606 Yet this time, 29 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,524 he's absolutely right. 30 00:01:07,525 --> 00:01:10,486 - It's called PI Undercover: New York. - [Nandor gasps] 31 00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:12,696 [Colin] It's a police procedural in its fourth season. 32 00:01:12,697 --> 00:01:16,700 "Detective Jack Mancuso is brought to life with deft sensitivity 33 00:01:16,701 --> 00:01:18,452 by a never-better Cal Bodian." 34 00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,997 "Brought to life"? Who is this man? Some kind of necromancer? 35 00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:23,582 No. Worse. He's an actor. 36 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:24,666 Shit. 37 00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,210 [Colin] Now, wading down into the comments. 38 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:29,963 "Winsomely compelling copaganda," says C-Rob-69 at-- 39 00:01:29,964 --> 00:01:31,048 Oh, wait. That was me. 40 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,341 Drivel for the unwashed. 41 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:34,426 The Bard, how he weeps. 42 00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:35,677 [thuds] 43 00:01:35,678 --> 00:01:37,346 - What the blazes? - Fucking... 44 00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,515 - [car alarm beeps] - [Laszlo] Why is there a fucking truck 45 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,809 - in our garden? - [crew member 1] Entering the property. 46 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,519 There's an enemy at the gate. Hold the line. 47 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:45,270 - Shit. Guys, I'm so sorry. - [crew member 2] You good? 48 00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:46,355 Yeah. I'm with the owners. 49 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,565 Yeah, same location. Don't worry, insurance is gonna cover all this. 50 00:01:48,566 --> 00:01:49,983 We should disembowel this guy. 51 00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,652 - Let's fucking kill him. - [crew member 3] Quiet on set. 52 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:52,778 - We're rolling. - Sorry. 53 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,489 - Sorry. - Sorry! 54 00:01:56,699 --> 00:01:59,118 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 55 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,621 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 56 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:04,998 {\an8}♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪ 57 00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:07,210 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 58 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,339 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 59 00:02:11,881 --> 00:02:14,550 {\an8}♪ You've sold out your dream To the world ♪ 60 00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:17,386 {\an8}♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪ 61 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,556 {\an8}♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪ 62 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:33,110 Not bad. Not bad at all, ya stud. 63 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:36,196 What are you up to, you creamy snake? 64 00:02:36,197 --> 00:02:39,032 {\an8}All dressed up like a bowl of millet. 65 00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:43,036 {\an8}I am getting ready to go to a friend's house for a dinner party, 66 00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:44,371 {\an8}thank you very much. 67 00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:45,706 {\an8}You don't have any friends. 68 00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:46,957 Uh, yeah, I do. 69 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,626 I've got the Monster and my boy, Joel. 70 00:02:49,627 --> 00:02:52,713 Uh, w-what is a Joel? Joel? 71 00:02:52,714 --> 00:02:54,131 I'm always talking about Joel. 72 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,176 We used to work together a few years ago in the same office. 73 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,343 Pushing paper around, 74 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:00,262 - generally getting after it. - Hmm. 75 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:03,015 Yeah, I love Joel. Could never bring myself to drain the guy. 76 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,392 So why have we never heard about him? 77 00:03:05,393 --> 00:03:08,478 Well, he and I drifted apart a few years ago 78 00:03:08,479 --> 00:03:10,564 when he, uh, married Becky. 79 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:13,192 He has a very nice, pinched face. 80 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,444 Anyway, he called me up last week and was like, 81 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,905 "Hey, bruh. Wanna come over for some grub, bruh?" 82 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:19,990 And I was like, "Sure, bruh. What time, bruh?" 83 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,367 And he was like, "Uh, 7:00, 7:30, bruh." 84 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,578 - Could I come with you? - Um-- 85 00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:25,662 Why am I doing this? 86 00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:28,790 {\an8}Ever since I have been working up the career ladder at Cannon Capital, 87 00:03:28,791 --> 00:03:32,920 I have been absolutely loving my deliciously mild human interactions. 88 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,590 And I really want the chance to, you know, practice my human small talk. 89 00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,593 "Oh, hey, hon. Love that top. Where is it from? 90 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,346 Online? Great. I love online. 91 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,891 My allergies are bonkers today. Sneezing, sneezing, sneezing. 92 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:48,852 I think I'm gonna go low-key for my birthday this year." 93 00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:53,065 Or, "I did the Harris Potter quiz, and I got Slytherin. Aw." [chuckles] 94 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,569 You know, I'm trying really hard to get back to normal with Joel. 95 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:01,281 And I worry if I showed up with a nightmare 96 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:05,994 in a Civil War ghost's dress, it might freak him the fuck out. 97 00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:09,498 I think it would make you look like Mr. Bigs from the Sexy City show 98 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,333 to have such a mouse woman on your arm. 99 00:04:11,334 --> 00:04:12,709 Squeak, squeak. 100 00:04:12,710 --> 00:04:14,169 Eh. Fuck it, why not? Sure. 101 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,421 Yay. 102 00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,674 - [Laszlo] Gizmo! - [Nandor] Guillermo. 103 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,884 - [Laszlo] Wake up, you little prick. - [Nandor] Come on. Get the fuck up. 104 00:04:20,885 --> 00:04:23,095 - What? What? Why? What? - Invaders have just rammed a hole 105 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,389 - in our garden wall. - Sorry, I must've fallen asleep. 106 00:04:25,390 --> 00:04:28,267 You need to get up. We need weapons, not this fancy-ass shit. 107 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,185 We are about to launch a counteroffensive. 108 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,145 We need sickles and scythes and weaponry. 109 00:04:32,146 --> 00:04:34,773 No. Whatever this is, it sounds like a bad idea. Don't do it. 110 00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,109 We're being invaded. We will not go empty-handed. 111 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:41,989 We are about to conquer a production known as PI Undercover: New York. 112 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,532 - What? Are you serious? - Oh, yes. 113 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:44,616 - Right now? - Yes. 114 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,410 - Are they... Move! - [Laszlo] Wait! 115 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,287 - [Nandor] Guillermo! Guillermo, wait! - Where? Where? 116 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,455 [Nandor] Guillermo, you cannot take them on single-handedly. 117 00:04:50,456 --> 00:04:54,042 No. Don't ruin this for me, okay? That is my favorite show ever. 118 00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,169 {\an8}PIUNY. 119 00:04:56,170 --> 00:05:00,215 {\an8}[chuckles] It's the perfect cozy, rainy-day show. 120 00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:01,758 But it's so much more than that. 121 00:05:01,759 --> 00:05:03,427 PI Undercover: New York is, like, 122 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,595 the crown jewel of the PI Undercover extended universe. 123 00:05:05,596 --> 00:05:08,223 I mean, I love the original PI Undercover and PI Undercover: London, 124 00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:11,143 but PIUNY, ah, just hits different. 125 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:12,894 I mean, I've seen every episode, like, 12 times. 126 00:05:12,895 --> 00:05:15,397 Essentially, it's a meditation on grief because... 127 00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,481 It's fantastic. 128 00:05:16,482 --> 00:05:21,611 In fact, last summer I cosplayed as Jack Mancuso at the Philadelphia Comic Con. 129 00:05:21,612 --> 00:05:24,323 All the subreddit haters were, like, so jelly. 130 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,907 Gizmo, you sound like a fuckwit. 131 00:05:25,908 --> 00:05:28,994 Do you think Cal Bodian's over there? Do you think he'll sign my zine? 132 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,245 [Guillermo imitates trumpet] 133 00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:33,958 My PI Undercover fanzine. I've done everything myself. 134 00:05:34,625 --> 00:05:36,627 I just took a guess about the chest hair. 135 00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:41,382 - He wants a Cambodian to sign his what? - Mmm. 136 00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,012 [Colin] Now, fair warning. 137 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:51,016 The stuff Joel and I used to talk about was not necessarily family-friendly, so-- 138 00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,309 Like what? 139 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,936 - Eh. Just guy stuff. - [Scoffs] Like what? 140 00:05:54,937 --> 00:05:56,521 - Don't worry about it. - Tell me. 141 00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,691 - I'll tell you later. - No, tell me now. 142 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,486 - Boobs. - Hmm. 143 00:06:02,111 --> 00:06:03,112 [Joel] They're here! 144 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:04,863 Hey! [chuckles] 145 00:06:04,864 --> 00:06:06,323 - There he is. - [Nadja chuckling] 146 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:07,741 - What's up? What's up? - Oh, my G-- What's up? 147 00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,410 This is... Look at him. 148 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,079 - The prodigal cubicle-mate returns. - Hey! 149 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,538 - Hi. - Hello. 150 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,123 Thank you so much for coming. 151 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,918 This is Nadja, my girlfriend. 152 00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:20,587 I have heard so much about you, and wow. 153 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,798 Your top is so lovely and warm. 154 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,133 Reminds me of, um, PSL season. 155 00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,344 Pumpkin spice latte. I love those. 156 00:06:27,345 --> 00:06:29,430 I never know if people are on-- on drugs. 157 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,934 - What-- What is all this? - Oh, uh, Nadja, she's a YouTuber. 158 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,852 Huge, uh, YouTuber. 159 00:06:35,853 --> 00:06:39,272 Search "Carrie Bradshaw walking" and you'll find my channel. 160 00:06:39,273 --> 00:06:43,193 - She films everything, you know? Mostly-- - Hello. Welcome. 161 00:06:43,194 --> 00:06:44,653 - [Colin] Oh. - [Joel] This is Becky. 162 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,948 - [Colin] What the "hecky?" Hi, Becky. - Hello, Colin. How are you? 163 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,867 I'm well. How are you? Uh, this is Nadja, my girlfriend. 164 00:06:50,868 --> 00:06:51,993 Nice to pleasure. 165 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:56,081 Girlfriend. It's-- It's lovely to meet you. 166 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,291 I'm gonna go check on the salmon. 167 00:06:58,292 --> 00:07:02,629 I hope by salmon you mean wine. 'Cau... I'm a woman. I love wine. 168 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,172 No, I meant fish. 169 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,883 Well, ladies to the kitchen, men to the conversation. [chuckles] 170 00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:08,343 You go do it, girlfriend. 171 00:07:08,344 --> 00:07:09,469 [both chuckle] 172 00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:12,180 Listen, I know you said no gifts, but, uh, there you go. [laughing] 173 00:07:12,181 --> 00:07:15,600 This is totally unnecessary. But I ain't mad at it. 174 00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:17,894 I'm surprised you actually had time to have us over 175 00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:19,896 with the season starting soon 176 00:07:19,897 --> 00:07:22,524 and pitchers and catchers reporting in, like, 11 days. 177 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:23,650 Go Mets, right? [chuckles] 178 00:07:23,651 --> 00:07:26,027 You know what? I'm not even really feeling baseball anymore. 179 00:07:26,028 --> 00:07:27,572 Those fucking rule changes. 180 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,699 - It's a Mike Piazza baseball card. - Yeah, I didn't know. 181 00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,576 - Is it signed? - It is. 182 00:07:32,577 --> 00:07:36,580 {\an8}So, I spent the last two weeks binge-watching every Mets game 183 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:37,914 {\an8}from the past seven years. 184 00:07:37,915 --> 00:07:40,917 Baseball is extremely slow, even for me. 185 00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:43,295 That's a lot of time I'm not gonna get back. 186 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:46,131 So, baseball's out. What are you into now? 187 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:49,551 - We watch Top Chef. - Top Chef. Yeah, me too. Me too. 188 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:50,844 - Cool. - Where's your bathroom? 189 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,805 I need to do a... a number three. [laughs] 190 00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,057 - What? - Ayo. 191 00:07:56,058 --> 00:07:57,809 I don't un... What's a three? 192 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,270 - Remember on our days in the office? - Yeah. 193 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,857 We would go down to the third floor to do our big smelly poos. 194 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,526 - I think I kinda remember that. - Where's your bathroom? 195 00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:07,652 - It's upstairs. - Okay. 196 00:08:07,653 --> 00:08:09,321 - [Nadja] So nice. - [Becky] Thank you. 197 00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:13,326 - A little kiss for my "banooney." - And one for me, my banana. 198 00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,370 [Nadja and Colin chuckle] 199 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,039 Act normal. 200 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:20,541 Your taste is just... 201 00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,210 Thank you. I just like solid colors. 202 00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:25,212 Hmm. Maroon. 203 00:08:25,213 --> 00:08:26,129 [crew members clamor] 204 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:27,964 Traveling to base camp. You over at video village? 205 00:08:27,965 --> 00:08:31,176 - Let us storm their base camp. - And lay waste to their video village. 206 00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:34,054 - [crew member 3] Last looks. - Indeed they are. 207 00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:37,390 - [Laszlo] Et tu, Seanie? - Hey, fellas. 208 00:08:37,391 --> 00:08:40,143 - What the shit? - I rent my bathroom out to the crew. 209 00:08:40,144 --> 00:08:43,605 - He has succumbed to the King's shilling. - Oh, come on. I do this all the time. 210 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:46,858 You know how many movies have wanted to rent my little potty? 211 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,736 We have lost our greatest ally to the other side. Let's go. 212 00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:52,739 Think about all the legendary piss that's flowing through those pipes. 213 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,074 Diane Keaton's piss. 214 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,617 Jim Carrey's piss! 215 00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:57,744 Mike Barbooglio's piss! 216 00:08:57,745 --> 00:09:00,914 The salmon smells amazing, Becky! 217 00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:07,504 I hope it's as good as Tiffani Faison's monkfish from Top Chef season one. 218 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:08,588 [chuckles] 219 00:09:08,589 --> 00:09:12,592 Please let me help with, um, the touching and the boiling. 220 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:15,887 No. No, you're fine. Just relax. Tell me, how-- how did you and Colin meet? 221 00:09:15,888 --> 00:09:17,472 Oh, yes. Uh-- 222 00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:20,308 Let us gossip like two little brain-dead bitches. 223 00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,562 Does, um, Colin ever talk about me? 224 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,646 - No. That was stupid. - You know men. 225 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:28,400 They don't talk about anything other than, "Ouch, my balls." 226 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,653 - Yeah. Except Colin's not like that. - Scrotum. It's-- 227 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:34,573 Oh. Yes. Sorry? 228 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,576 Colin's not like that. Colin has never been like that. 229 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:38,827 Right. Okay. 230 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,454 Colin's not like other men. He's really sensitive. 231 00:09:41,455 --> 00:09:43,915 And that is why he is my soft-boiled egg. 232 00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,835 I'm very happy for you both. 233 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:47,919 Sorry. I... 234 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,672 I don't wanna see Colin get hurt, you know? 235 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,341 - He's an incredible person. - [flutters lips] 236 00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,428 I have used my brilliant powers of deduction 237 00:09:56,429 --> 00:10:02,100 to detect that Becky is rock-hard in love with Colin Robinson, 238 00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,769 much like Carrie loved Aidan in the Sexy City show, 239 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,398 which I have watched every episode of. 240 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,775 Looks like you two ladies could use some drinks. 241 00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,986 Did you wash the lettuce like I asked, Joel? 242 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,154 I was about to, yes. 243 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:16,906 So the answer's "no," not "yes" if you didn't do it. 244 00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:17,992 So the answer's "no." 245 00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:19,952 Okay. 246 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,413 [Guillermo] Cal Bodian is still in his trailer, 247 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,749 probably preparing for his first scene of the day. 248 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,918 He usually likes to get to set and meditate for an hour beforehand, 249 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:30,086 then he gets a snack. 250 00:10:30,087 --> 00:10:32,506 Usually a muffin and a cup of tea. 251 00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:34,842 He's been sober for 17 years. 252 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:37,595 Oh, my God. There he is! 253 00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:42,766 Oh, wow. You have your muffin. 254 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:43,933 So cool. 255 00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:46,854 Do you, uh-- Do you ever read any of the fanzines? 256 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:51,524 Ah. Good evening, sir. Can I interest you in a meal? 257 00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,152 - A succulent Chinese meal? - Wow. 258 00:10:54,153 --> 00:10:56,821 I'm just saying that's where the PIUNY community really is, you know? 259 00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:57,906 - Sure. - In the zines. 260 00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:00,909 Mr. Bodian, would you come with me? 261 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,870 I have procured several prostitutes for your viewing pleasure. 262 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,038 - Oh. - [Nandor] I will not kill you. 263 00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:06,665 What scene is that for again? 264 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,208 [crew member 4] Mr. Bodian, we're ready for you. 265 00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:09,292 Okay. Thank you. 266 00:11:09,293 --> 00:11:11,169 - [Nandor] Mr. Bodian... But the prostitutes... - What? 267 00:11:11,170 --> 00:11:14,005 No, leave him alone. Do not hurt Cal Bodian. 268 00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:15,131 This is war. 269 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,676 Doesn't matter. That man was not the leader. 270 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,763 - But he is the main guy on the show. - He is an actor, Nandor. 271 00:11:21,764 --> 00:11:23,848 A simpleton who paints his face. 272 00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:27,268 He is an empty-headed puppet who thinks the world loves him, 273 00:11:27,269 --> 00:11:31,856 when in actual fact, he is nothing more than a lapdog begging for scraps. 274 00:11:31,857 --> 00:11:33,608 - Yes. - [Laszlo] No, he is not the leader. 275 00:11:33,609 --> 00:11:36,361 That would be another devil who pulls the strings. 276 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:40,324 The half-wit they call the director. 277 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,374 Colin Robinson, did you and Becky ever have a thing for each other? 278 00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:50,458 What? No. 279 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:54,170 She and Joel had some issues, and I was a good listener for her. 280 00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:57,006 But that was only because I wanted them to get back together 281 00:11:57,007 --> 00:11:58,299 'cause Joel was so sad. 282 00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,385 I don't know. 283 00:11:59,885 --> 00:12:02,178 I think her vagina is pulsing for you. 284 00:12:02,179 --> 00:12:04,639 Don't fabricate drama where there isn't any. 285 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,143 You wanted to come to this party to see how the normal people live. 286 00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,689 Well, welcome to the wonderful world of "normalos." 287 00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:15,317 - Enough. - I do not get you at all. 288 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,238 Halt. Where is your leader? 289 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,865 Thank you. 290 00:12:22,032 --> 00:12:23,408 "AD." 291 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,286 - A director. - [Laszlo] Yes. 292 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,664 - Now I cut the head of the snake. - Go in. 293 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,585 Nice day. 294 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:34,795 Come on, Nandor. 295 00:12:36,088 --> 00:12:37,798 What the fuck are you wearing? 296 00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:41,342 That was actually the second assistant director, 297 00:12:41,343 --> 00:12:43,678 and he made me production assistant. 298 00:12:43,679 --> 00:12:45,013 They are short-staffed. 299 00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,139 This is all good news. 300 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:49,267 - We can infiltrate them from the inside. - Yes, yes. 301 00:12:49,268 --> 00:12:52,604 But first, I must go to crafty to fetch taffy for scripty. 302 00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:57,108 Oh, shit. Nandor, you have been seduced by the siren of show business. 303 00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:59,986 - No, I'm infiltrating like... - [crew member] Where's the PA? 304 00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,821 - We're still waiting on... - ...whatever you said before. 305 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:05,658 Yes, go Nandor. Yes, I'm just fetching it. What is taffy? 306 00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:06,951 Oh, no. 307 00:13:06,952 --> 00:13:10,038 Uh, Sy-- Uh, Strai-- Top. Top Gun. 308 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:13,833 Uh, Top Ramen. Top Chef. Top-- Top-- Top hat? 309 00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,127 - Uh-- Wait. Did you say Top Chef? - Yes, I did. 310 00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,421 - It was Top Chef. - [screams] Nice one, dude. 311 00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:19,506 [laughs] Is it just me 312 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:24,093 or is it so hard to locate a good, trustworthy handyman these days? 313 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,178 - Yes! - It is. 314 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,097 When we wanted to renovate the bathroom, I decided I'm just gonna do it myself. 315 00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:31,559 - You did a bathroom reno by yourself? - Yeah, I found a guy out in Queens... 316 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,811 Oh, brother. Here we go. 317 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:37,607 ...and he gave us these beautiful vintage tiles. 318 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:38,859 - And-- - They're just tiles. 319 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,904 - Do you wanna go to see it? It's gorgeous. - [Nadja chuckles] Uh, yes. 320 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:44,113 - [Becky] Good luck. [scoffs] - Yeah. 321 00:13:44,114 --> 00:13:46,658 - [Nadja] Is it dangerous? - No, it's just boring. 322 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,326 Yeah, I guess I'm a fucking idiot 323 00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:51,247 'cause I saved us a lot of money and did a kick-ass job. 324 00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:57,126 - What about that bathroom? - Yes. Do you wanna see it? 325 00:13:57,127 --> 00:13:59,587 - Yeah. Yes, I'd love to see. [chuckles] - Okay. Great. Follow me. 326 00:13:59,588 --> 00:14:01,549 [Nadja] Try not to miss me too much, my love. 327 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,180 Sit here, Colin. 328 00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:12,642 - Right here. I'm just kidding. [laughs] - [laughs] 329 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,686 Hello, Colin Robinson. 330 00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:15,771 Hello. 331 00:14:16,772 --> 00:14:19,358 Is she, uh-- Is she good to you? 332 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,028 - Who? - Your girlfriend. [scoffs] 333 00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:25,154 - Sorry. I hope she's good to you. - Oh. 334 00:14:25,155 --> 00:14:26,406 You-- You deserve it. 335 00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:27,866 Yeah, yeah. I think, you know... 336 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,534 Well, yeah, I think we get along really well. 337 00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:32,662 It's nothing as special as what you and Joel have. 338 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,123 Joel? [chuckles] Yeah. Ol' Joel. 339 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,208 We've had our ups and downs over the years. 340 00:14:37,209 --> 00:14:38,835 Yeah. That'll happen. 341 00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:40,421 When it does, I... 342 00:14:42,256 --> 00:14:46,217 I just remember you were the only one I could talk to about it. 343 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:48,553 Do you miss our talks, Colin Robinson? 344 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,638 [chuckles] 345 00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:51,682 Yeah, uh-- 346 00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,727 Ready for you on set. 347 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,353 I think he is slumbering. 348 00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,106 Go to two. Yeah, he's gone deep. 349 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:03,192 Cans? Anyone for cans? Would you like some cans? 350 00:15:03,193 --> 00:15:05,737 Some cans? Cans? Fucking ignore me. 351 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,405 I already have cans on. 352 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,115 - You have cans? - I have cans. 353 00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,783 [Nandor] Sorry. Hi. 354 00:15:10,784 --> 00:15:12,452 This one can for you. 355 00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,913 - Sure I can't tempt you with some? - Do you see 'em? 356 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,247 - Anyone ask for cans? - No. 357 00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,374 Son of a... 358 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,252 What the fuck are you doing? 359 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:24,130 Uh, we are not allowed to say what we're filming, sir. 360 00:15:24,131 --> 00:15:25,882 Also, we're trying to clear the frame. 361 00:15:25,883 --> 00:15:28,176 Would you mind following me over by the snack table? 362 00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,178 - Rolling! We are rolling! - What? 363 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,262 All right. Shut up. 364 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,222 Out the way, fuckos. Fuck. 365 00:15:33,223 --> 00:15:34,349 [Colin laughs] 366 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:36,267 - Do you guys wanna play Pictionary? - [Nadja] Oh. 367 00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,895 Joel, they don't wanna play Pictionary. It's okay. 368 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,648 Well, I mean, if it's anything like reading a dictionary, then yeah. 369 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:45,486 Yeah, I do. 370 00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:51,241 Shit. Wait, what is... Shit. No, no, no. Fuck. 371 00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:56,162 How many times have I told you to replace the fucking smoke detector? 372 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,747 It's my fault, of course. 373 00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:02,669 Come on, girlie. Smoked salmon. More excuse for cream cheese, am I right? 374 00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:06,422 - [Becky] My salmon is fucked. - [Nadja] I love the smell of burnt salmon. 375 00:16:06,423 --> 00:16:08,633 [Becky] Goddamn it, Joel. You're a fucking failure. 376 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,051 Colin, can I ask you a favor? 377 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,427 Sure, Joel. Anything. 378 00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:15,640 It's a little unconventional, and so if it makes you uncomfortable, 379 00:16:15,641 --> 00:16:17,475 then you just tell me, and I'll shut the hell up. 380 00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,102 Stop. We go too far back. 381 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:22,271 I mean, we're like Stephanie Cmar and Kristen Kish 382 00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:24,649 in the Seattle season of Top Chef. 383 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,610 You know, they used to be roommates. Would you ever wanna-- 384 00:16:27,611 --> 00:16:29,737 - Do you think that-- - Just a town house. 385 00:16:29,738 --> 00:16:31,322 Just go into this-- Just come with me. 386 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:32,865 - Just... Can... - The hallway. 387 00:16:32,866 --> 00:16:34,450 Yeah, this is nice. 388 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:36,787 I need you to fuck my wife. 389 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:40,790 [mumbles] What? 390 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,250 [Joel] I told you it was a little unusual. 391 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:45,253 Is that something she would be... 392 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,713 - Ravenous for? Yes. - Right. 393 00:16:46,714 --> 00:16:48,464 It's something that keeps our marriage alive. 394 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:50,049 Strange request. 395 00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,134 Yeah, okay. 396 00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:54,220 Well, if it's any consolation, I'll be there the whole time. 397 00:16:54,221 --> 00:16:56,514 - I'll have eyes on you-- - It's no consolation. 398 00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,017 - I have to go to the bathroom. - Okay. But just think about it, buddy. 399 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:00,728 - Could you-- - Girlfriend, come here. 400 00:17:03,814 --> 00:17:05,107 I think he might. 401 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:07,525 Sabotage. 402 00:17:07,526 --> 00:17:10,278 Do you know what the French translation of "sabotage" is? 403 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,487 It's "fuck things up." 404 00:17:11,488 --> 00:17:13,573 I'm gonna fuck things up for these people. 405 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:16,034 Chap in the white hat. Now, he's the director. 406 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,494 He doesn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. 407 00:17:18,495 --> 00:17:21,247 The loudest man in the room with fuck all to say. 408 00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:26,044 Surrounds himself with sycophants, but nothing more than a tin-pot dictator. 409 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,920 And he's nothing without the scribe. 410 00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:29,255 Now, that's the writer there. 411 00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:33,926 The brains behind the whole thing, yet hugely underappreciated. 412 00:17:33,927 --> 00:17:37,805 Socially not the best, but she's the beating heart behind the production. 413 00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,808 She is the passionate soul of the televisual medium. 414 00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:43,102 - Sir, we are still rolling. - What do you want? 415 00:17:43,103 --> 00:17:46,022 - What are you doing here? - I don't care what you-- Whoa. 416 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:48,608 Where the fuck did you get that sweated shirt? 417 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,694 This is for crew only. Season 3 crew only, to be precise. 418 00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:54,322 [Laszlo] Yeah, I can see that. I want one of those sweated shirts. 419 00:17:54,323 --> 00:17:56,365 Well, you can't have one. That's a cut! That's a cut! 420 00:17:56,366 --> 00:17:59,827 I love that sweated shirt. It is a remarkable garment. 421 00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:01,871 As you can see, there's some kind of flap at the back 422 00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:04,207 which is attached to the neck, which must be some kind of hood 423 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:05,500 to protect him from the weather. 424 00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,877 On the front looks like some kind of pouch, 425 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,712 which I'm guessing is inspired by the kangaroo. 426 00:18:09,713 --> 00:18:14,634 It's probably 50% polyester. Maybe 40% cotton. 427 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:16,302 And the rest must be rayon. 428 00:18:16,303 --> 00:18:17,720 But the biggest question I have 429 00:18:17,721 --> 00:18:20,139 is why the fuck has he got one of those and I haven't? 430 00:18:20,140 --> 00:18:21,682 [director] You're in the shot! 431 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:24,143 - [Laszlo] He's in the shot. - [director] Dude, you're in the shot! 432 00:18:24,144 --> 00:18:25,228 He's fucked up. 433 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:26,938 - [director] You're still in! - [Laszlo laughs] 434 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,898 [director] You're still in the fucking shot! 435 00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:30,691 [crew member] Go behind the bush. 436 00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:32,986 [director] All right. Fuck it. We'll fix it in post. Back to one. 437 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:38,866 You were right. I-I don't know what to do. 438 00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:43,204 I've wanted Joel's friendship for so long, but at what cost? 439 00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:46,124 Colin, just stick your beak in his wife and be friends. 440 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:50,211 I just wanted a normal relationship with him, you know? 441 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:52,547 And this is not normal. 442 00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:55,049 I think it's probably time to get you out of here, mister. 443 00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,135 [chuckles] Come on. 444 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:00,972 Well, we better be off. 445 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:04,392 There's a Pilates class I've been promising myself I'll make in the morning. 446 00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:07,103 No. Why don't you come join us first? There's plenty of room. Come on. 447 00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:09,397 No, our dance card is filled up for the evening. 448 00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:12,233 What upset you? Did my fucking idiot of a husband say something? 449 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:13,442 Uh-oh. Was I bad? 450 00:19:13,443 --> 00:19:15,153 Hey, Joel, maybe next week we could go bowling? 451 00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,696 - Yeah. - That would be so fun. 452 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,365 That'd be great. Just boys time, and then you come back and fuck my wife. 453 00:19:19,366 --> 00:19:22,118 Thanks for the grub. That was swirl. 454 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,620 - [Joel and Colin chuckle] - Hmm. [chuckles] 455 00:19:24,621 --> 00:19:25,747 Okay, come here. 456 00:19:29,626 --> 00:19:33,462 I say, Detective Mancuso has soiled his trousers. 457 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:37,091 - His show pants? - What? Yeah. It's ghastly. 458 00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,135 Okay. We have doubles on Cal's pants, right? 459 00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,679 Let's go, let's go, let's go. 460 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,728 I'm sorry that Joel turned out to be such a depressing pervert. 461 00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,396 I mean, I quite liked it, 462 00:19:50,397 --> 00:19:54,651 but I know that you were looking for a more normal, less sexual friend. 463 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,152 Yeah. 464 00:19:56,153 --> 00:20:00,198 Maybe humans are such depressing, weird freaks because, you know, 465 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,782 they try so hard to be normal 466 00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,951 that they repress all their most horny desires. 467 00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:06,746 And then they just end up squirting themselves to death. 468 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,916 Well, wise words. Maybe you're a Carrie after all. 469 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,542 Lock it up. Hold there, please. 470 00:20:11,543 --> 00:20:13,754 I'm so sorry, but no. 471 00:20:15,547 --> 00:20:16,632 [scoffs] 472 00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:21,302 The hat? Oh, yeah, that's from season 6. We shot them back-to-back. 473 00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,512 - What the fuck are you doing in-- - [Laszlo] Oh. 474 00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,890 That gear is for crew only. 475 00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:28,517 Hmm. Someone's jealous of my swag. 476 00:20:28,518 --> 00:20:29,602 Perhaps. 477 00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:33,440 But there is one garment that I know you will never get your hands on. 478 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:36,442 Nandor, give me that sweated shirt! 479 00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:37,610 You shall never have it! 480 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:38,695 [both grunting, groaning] 481 00:20:40,489 --> 00:20:42,741 - Laszlo, get a grip. - Good idea. 482 00:20:44,534 --> 00:20:45,535 [Nandor] No! 483 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:49,164 - [Nandor] You're stretching it! - Wouldn't be the first time. 484 00:20:51,833 --> 00:20:52,834 Time-out, time-out. 485 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,964 [sighs] What are we doing? 486 00:20:57,756 --> 00:21:01,133 Chewed up and spat out in true Hollywood style. 487 00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:04,428 We need to rain hellfire on these Hollywood pricks. 488 00:21:04,429 --> 00:21:06,055 Drink the blood of the director. 489 00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:08,474 Crush the balls of the best boy. 490 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,811 And whack all of the actors. 491 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,146 Yeah, let's do it. 492 00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:17,401 Hey, you guys are still here? We wrapped, like, half an hour ago. 493 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:19,778 Happy trails, guys. 494 00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:24,950 - We did it. We fucking did it. - [chuckles] 495 00:21:25,450 --> 00:21:27,243 Well done, Nandor. 496 00:21:27,244 --> 00:21:31,414 You know, sometimes the best tactic in war is to not fight at all. 497 00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:33,417 You sound just like a writer. 498 00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:37,420 - [Laszlo] Onward! - [Nandor] Yeah. 499 00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:42,466 Meanwhile, while Laszlo and Nandor called wrap on their beef, 500 00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:45,594 I couldn't help but wonder, if we stopped saying cut... 501 00:21:45,595 --> 00:21:47,179 The Cal mobile. 502 00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:49,557 [Colin] ...would we all get a little more action? 503 00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,350 Hi, Mr. Bodian. I'm just a huge fan. 504 00:21:51,351 --> 00:21:53,269 I wanted to know if I can take a picture with you quickly? 505 00:21:53,270 --> 00:21:55,062 Now is not a great time. It's not a good time. 506 00:21:55,063 --> 00:21:56,397 It's just for my zine, actually. 507 00:21:56,398 --> 00:21:57,481 - Have you read this? - [Laszlo] Hey! 508 00:21:57,482 --> 00:22:01,402 [Colin] Maybe if we could ask our friends for just a little more quiet on set... 509 00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:02,903 Sign his program, you fucklord. 510 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:04,697 [Colin] ...we'd end up with a lot less drama. 511 00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,032 You know who the fuck I am? 512 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:07,867 You think it's not gonna be a problem for you? 513 00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:09,076 Here we go! 514 00:22:09,077 --> 00:22:12,330 [Colin] Because even for the biggest stars, it's important to stay grounded. 515 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:13,414 [Bodian grunts] 516 00:22:13,415 --> 00:22:15,667 [Colin] And that's when I realized 517 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:20,380 it wasn't PIUNY or show business, 518 00:22:21,465 --> 00:22:24,842 or even Staten Island that kept us all together-- 519 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:26,303 [Monster] Colin Robinson. 520 00:22:27,637 --> 00:22:29,389 Shut fuck up. 521 00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:33,435 Oh, file saved. 522 00:22:46,281 --> 00:22:49,408 There he is. That's the street right here. That's where they shoot... [chuckles] 523 00:22:49,409 --> 00:22:50,743 [detective] Took your time, Mancuso. 524 00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,621 [Mancuso] This looks bad. 525 00:22:53,121 --> 00:22:55,248 Bad? We just found six more inside. 526 00:22:55,832 --> 00:22:58,335 - [Guillermo giggles] - Son of a bitch. The Mob. 527 00:22:59,544 --> 00:23:00,545 [Guillermo] What the hell? 528 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,757 [Mancuso] I guess I know where I'm going next. 529 00:23:04,508 --> 00:23:05,758 - [detective] Where's that? - Was that-- 530 00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,803 - [Mancuso] Undercover. - Never mind.