1 00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:03,752 - No. Naughty. Naughty! - [grunting] 2 00:00:03,753 --> 00:00:08,048 {\an8}Cravensworth's Monster has entered a remarkable new phase of development. 3 00:00:08,049 --> 00:00:09,091 {\an8}- He's horny. - [grunts] 4 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:10,175 No. 5 00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:13,679 [Laszlo] For a creature entirely cobbled together with cadaver parts... 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,264 Naughty boy. Down. Down, boy. 7 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,933 - ...his drive to fornicate is phenomenal. - Okay, just make it quick then. 8 00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,810 Like I said, he's horny. 9 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:22,813 So, we have decided this monster needs a bride. 10 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:27,360 So, we've started building him a bride, but with the... 11 00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,154 And now he's going to town on himself again. 12 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,322 Oh, fuck. Stay in the two shot, please. 13 00:00:32,323 --> 00:00:34,533 He... He's got his hand in the cookie jar! 14 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,035 - Stop fucking doing that. - [Monster grunts] 15 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,494 Now, where were we? 16 00:00:37,495 --> 00:00:38,579 Dude's horny. 17 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,998 [grunts] 18 00:00:42,250 --> 00:00:44,668 {\an8}♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪ 19 00:00:44,669 --> 00:00:47,172 {\an8}♪ They have no use for your song ♪ 20 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:52,802 ♪You're dead, you're dead, you're dead You're dead and out of this world ♪ 21 00:00:54,345 --> 00:00:57,347 {\an8}♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪ 22 00:00:57,348 --> 00:01:00,100 {\an8}♪You've sold out your dream to the world ♪ 23 00:01:00,101 --> 00:01:05,398 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead You're dead and out of this world ♪ 24 00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:20,954 {\an8}Guillermo and I have decided to join forces to fight crime together. 25 00:01:20,955 --> 00:01:23,916 Technically, I have not agreed to that yet. [chuckles] 26 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:27,961 {\an8}Do you not like the crime-fighting outfit I got you for your secret identity? 27 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:29,004 {\an8}[clicks tongue] 28 00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:33,760 {\an8}Are you ready, Cowboy Kid? Then let's clean up this city. 29 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:35,969 Very nice. 30 00:01:35,970 --> 00:01:38,847 I don't think anyone's gonna be afraid of Kid Cowboy. 31 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,933 They will when his partner shows up. 32 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,643 And who are you supposed to be again? 33 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:47,064 They call me "The Phantom Menace." 34 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,149 No. 35 00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:49,817 That's already taken. 36 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:50,943 Shit. 37 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,573 We will track down evildoers from our secret underground lair. 38 00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:01,286 Wow. Look at that. Where-Where exactly is this lair? 39 00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:06,291 Deep, deep under the ground, like, a thousand feet down under the house. 40 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,209 Uh-huh. 41 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,628 [Nandor] Now, there will be a secret lever on my coffin. 42 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:15,677 When I pull it, the floor opens up and the coffin goes down like an elevator. 43 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:17,845 That's cool. 44 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,931 - Mmm. Thank you. - I don't think you need a lair though. 45 00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:23,350 And where am I supposed to put my "super compuder," hmm? 46 00:02:23,351 --> 00:02:25,311 - Your what? - My "super compuder." 47 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:28,063 The lair is really the best bet. 48 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,357 Sounds fun, but I think I know how this ends up. 49 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:32,151 [whispering] This ends up with me doing all the work. 50 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,069 [whispering] It's gonna be equal partnership. 51 00:02:34,070 --> 00:02:36,071 - How so? - You do some stuff. 52 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:37,114 - Got it. - I do some stuff. 53 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,783 Great. Settled. 54 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:42,537 Then if I am too busy, then you can do some of my stuff. 55 00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:44,663 [normal] There it is. 56 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:49,168 [Colin] We've assembled about 90% of the monster's bride-to-be, 57 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,670 but once again we need the right head. 58 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,631 Fortunately, the monster has shown us his preference. 59 00:02:54,632 --> 00:02:57,176 He's made it pretty obvious which way he swings. 60 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,386 For you, milady. 61 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:03,640 [Laszlo] Right. It appears our monster has just torn off his own penis 62 00:03:03,641 --> 00:03:06,602 and presented it to The Guide as a gift. 63 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,686 Again. 64 00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:11,106 This dude loves The Guide, but so does Nandor. 65 00:03:11,107 --> 00:03:15,569 And so, we've asked Nadja to see if he would mind if The Guide... you know. 66 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,487 {\an8}Hmm, how do I put this? 67 00:03:17,488 --> 00:03:22,993 I mean, I do think that there is a part of The Guide that does love Nandor. 68 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:26,997 So, how's about with the parts that don't love you, 69 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:30,834 maybe we do something else with those? [chuckles] 70 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,462 Sorry, what? What do you mean by that? 71 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:36,256 [Laszlo] We're hoping he won't object if The Guide 72 00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:40,177 donated her head for the creation of the bride of Cravensworth's Monster. 73 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,595 And her... her... 74 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:44,097 And her... boobs. 75 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,599 I mean, most of her attributes and-- 76 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,851 - [cameraperson] They're saying we're done. - What's that? 77 00:03:47,852 --> 00:03:50,479 - I think we've got everything we need. - All right. 78 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,856 - Absolutely. Good stuff. - Yeah. 79 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,733 [Nadja] If you had to pick a part that you wanted-- 80 00:03:54,734 --> 00:03:56,985 [cameraperson 2] Sorry, but we think we have all we need. 81 00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:58,779 - Sure. - Oh, okay, yeah. Um... 82 00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,738 No problemo. 83 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:00,989 [Laszlo] Take my mic off over there. 84 00:04:00,990 --> 00:04:02,699 - [Colin] Have a good one. - [cameraperson] Cheers. 85 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,409 [Nadja] Thank you. [chuckles] Thank you. 86 00:04:04,410 --> 00:04:05,870 [Nandor] There we go. [grunts] 87 00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,291 [Guillermo] Sorry. Excuse me. 88 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,751 - Hey. - [Colin] Wassup. 89 00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:17,631 What's going on? [pants] I just heard the crew saying the documentary's ending. 90 00:04:17,632 --> 00:04:20,300 - Like, what? [titters] - Well, it has been six years, Guillermo. 91 00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:21,843 They said they have enough footage now. 92 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:24,263 But why? We're in the middle of everything and... 93 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,098 That's it? Like, it's done? 94 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,308 Well, you know, all good things must come to an end. 95 00:04:28,309 --> 00:04:31,228 - Preach. - Does anyone else feel a draft in here? 96 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,354 I felt something. 97 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,398 Okay, what are we doing? What's our game plan here? 98 00:04:34,399 --> 00:04:36,275 We could throw another log on the fireplace and-- 99 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,526 No, not that. 100 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:38,944 Or wrap ourselves up in a cozy quilt? 101 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,488 No. You guys, don't you think it's weird that we've been doing this, 102 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:42,781 and it's all of a sudden just ending? 103 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,492 Just, poof, it's just done? It all ends? What? [titters] 104 00:04:45,493 --> 00:04:47,244 [Nadja] This is not the end of anything. 105 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:49,413 We will keep doing what we always do. 106 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:53,583 It's just these, um, camera microphone people will no longer be filming it. 107 00:04:53,584 --> 00:04:55,085 That's what I'm talking about. 108 00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:57,212 We've been doing this for so long. Like, years of our lives. 109 00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:59,007 You guys don't think it's a little weird-- 110 00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:00,717 Laszlo! 111 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,970 Maybe not quite now. Guillermo clearly needs his diaper changing. 112 00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,221 I'm not wearing a diaper. 113 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:09,308 It's just that it's so sudden. When were you gonna tell me, by the way? 114 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,018 Were you gonna tell me? Am I the last person to know? 115 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,728 All of a sudden it's just pfft. [panting] 116 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,814 - It's hardly gone "pfft," Guillermo. - [Guillermo] Okay. 117 00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:17,065 The crew will be filming for at least 118 00:05:17,066 --> 00:05:19,234 another couple of hours to get some B-rolls. 119 00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,778 - You're leaving in a couple of hours? - Yes, at sunrise. 120 00:05:21,779 --> 00:05:23,447 Ooh, ooh, ooh. That reminds me. 121 00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:26,825 Get some B-roll footage of me reading this big book. 122 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,746 Uh, Guillermo, hello. Two hours is more than enough to finish anything 123 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:32,831 you could possibly want to do for the cameras. 124 00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,750 You want to do a little show-and-tell for us? 125 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:37,294 Or maybe, uh, you could sing a little song. 126 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:40,630 My lady wife's right. Sing a little song. Do a little dance. 127 00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:42,424 Yeah, and do a jig. Come on, jig. 128 00:05:42,425 --> 00:05:44,343 [Laszlo] Come on, boy. Dance! 129 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,136 It's hot in here. I'm gonna get fresh air. 130 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,263 - [The Guide] You've got the best moves. - [Laszlo] Do a dance! 131 00:05:48,264 --> 00:05:50,891 - [Nandor] Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! - [Laszlo] Dance, boy. 132 00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,226 - [Nandor] Shake it. - [Colin] Bye, bitch. 133 00:05:53,227 --> 00:05:56,021 - Nandor. A private moment, please. - Hmm? [stammers] 134 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,066 - [Nadja] Come on. - [sighs] Excuse us 135 00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,109 [Nadja sighs] 136 00:06:01,110 --> 00:06:03,195 You need to go talk to Guillermo now. 137 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,446 I was doing my B-roll! 138 00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:06,990 What about this, guys? Is this good for the edit? 139 00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,117 - Hmm. - [Nadja] Nandor! Listen to me! 140 00:06:09,118 --> 00:06:11,787 I have actually learned a lot about human psychology 141 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:14,206 from doing my, uh, big Wall Street job. 142 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:18,627 And I can tell that Guillermo is actually very sad about the documentary ending. 143 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,712 - Eh, he will get over it. - [sighs] 144 00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:21,797 Or maybe he won't. 145 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:24,508 I guess we'll never know. Kidding. We will know. 146 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,260 But you will not because you didn't bother filming it. 147 00:06:27,261 --> 00:06:28,387 Don't be rude. [scoffs] 148 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,933 What about... Yes. Something like, uh... How's this? Is this anything? 149 00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,310 Nandor! I'm serious. 150 00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:38,397 These last six years are the only slightly exciting thing 151 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,191 to ever happen to Guillermo in his whole sad life. 152 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:43,610 - What? - You know, it is like, the cameras 153 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:44,861 pretending to film him. 154 00:06:44,862 --> 00:06:48,240 It made him feel like he was as important as we are. 155 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,158 It's like when you put a little raincoat on a dog, 156 00:06:50,159 --> 00:06:51,660 and the dog is walking around thinking, 157 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:55,247 "Oh, woof, woof. I'm like a little human. I've got a coat on." 158 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,457 But they're not. They're just a little shit dog. 159 00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,836 That is Guillermo, and he's not going to have any of that anymore. 160 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:05,007 But I'm sure something interesting will happen to Guillermo eventually. 161 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,805 [sighs] Fine. I will fix. 162 00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,142 How are you guys doing with this whole thing ending? 163 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:17,395 Do you need to talk to someone? Or... 'Cause I'm here. 164 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:22,774 [Colin] There, there, buddy. 165 00:07:22,775 --> 00:07:26,945 Listen, you know I'm not the most sentimental SOB on the planet, 166 00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:29,698 but, uh, one time when I was down, 167 00:07:29,699 --> 00:07:34,536 a wise man said something that really put it all into perspective. 168 00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:35,704 What'd he say? 169 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:41,335 Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. 170 00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,671 I think I read that on a mug, but thank you. 171 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:45,755 - That's very nice. - Sure. 172 00:07:45,756 --> 00:07:47,591 [Nandor] Knock-knock. Knock-knock, knocking. 173 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,844 Colin Robinson, would you mind if I had a word with Guillermo? 174 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:52,555 No, not at all. We're done. 175 00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,055 Thank you, Colin. 176 00:07:54,056 --> 00:07:55,766 Yeah, don't... don't hug me. 177 00:07:56,601 --> 00:08:00,270 Guillermo, I know that this is a big change for you. 178 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:03,106 But in life, we always go through big changes. 179 00:08:03,107 --> 00:08:07,777 For example, when I was a young boy, my favorite color was red. 180 00:08:07,778 --> 00:08:11,531 But now my favorite color is orange. 181 00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:14,326 - Sorry, just remembered one thing. - [Guillermo] Yeah. 182 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,829 It's not the number of breaths we take, 183 00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:21,501 but the number of moments that take our breath away. 184 00:08:22,001 --> 00:08:23,376 That's nice. Thank you. 185 00:08:23,377 --> 00:08:24,462 All right. Later. 186 00:08:25,379 --> 00:08:27,130 Goodbyes are hard. 187 00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,340 Yeah. 188 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:33,094 I once waved farewell to a departing train for over three hours, 189 00:08:33,095 --> 00:08:36,014 and then I realized that it wasn't a train at all. 190 00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:39,101 It was a flatbed truck full of port-a-potties. 191 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,770 - One more quick one. - I'm talking here! 192 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,314 "We laughed until we had to cry. 193 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:49,194 We loved right down to our last goodbye. We were the best." 194 00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:53,157 St. Elmo's Fire, 1985. Okay, later. 195 00:08:54,242 --> 00:08:57,537 [sighs] Guillermo, things end! 196 00:08:58,204 --> 00:08:59,329 And that hurts! 197 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:00,580 It's just the suddenness of it all. 198 00:09:00,581 --> 00:09:02,958 It's hitting me so quickly, you know? I just have all these feelings-- 199 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:05,043 - Uh, Guillermo, you're Irish, right? - No. 200 00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,045 Okay, great. Then you probably haven't heard this one. 201 00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:09,965 [in Irish accent] "May the road rise up to meet you. 202 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,592 May the wind be always at your back. 203 00:09:12,593 --> 00:09:15,345 May the sun..." [sighs] Fuck, I always forget this part. 204 00:09:15,346 --> 00:09:17,264 Yeah, why don't you think about it and come back? Or just not. 205 00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:18,808 All right. I'll leave you guys to it. 206 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:23,478 [sighs] Where was I? I can't even remember what the fuck I was saying. 207 00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:26,940 You were saying that... [sighs] ...goodbyes are hard. 208 00:09:26,941 --> 00:09:29,734 Yes. So why don't you stop being a little bitch? 209 00:09:29,735 --> 00:09:33,697 Come downstairs and we can all be together during your hour of need. 210 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:37,826 [Nandor] House meeting! House meeting! Oh, good. You are all here. 211 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:38,827 - Excellent. - Excuse me. 212 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,538 Uh... House meeting item number one. 213 00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:45,208 I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell. 214 00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:49,504 Please finish a whole victim first before moving on to the next one, okay? 215 00:09:49,505 --> 00:09:50,839 - Oh, yeah. That's nasty. - Copy that. 216 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:53,091 - Shove it up your asshole. - Just do it. [sighs] 217 00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:57,262 What else do we have here? Oh, yes. House meeting item number two. 218 00:09:57,263 --> 00:10:01,766 It has come to my attention that Guillermo has become very emotional 219 00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:03,768 because the documentary is ending. 220 00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,353 No, I'll be fine. Thank you. 221 00:10:05,354 --> 00:10:08,773 You're not fine, you're a blubbering mess. And I think we should discuss it. 222 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:12,360 Gizmo has become addicted to the limelight, quite obviously. 223 00:10:12,361 --> 00:10:13,486 What? No, I haven't. 224 00:10:13,487 --> 00:10:16,197 He is but a walking shadow, a poor player, 225 00:10:16,198 --> 00:10:21,370 who struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. 226 00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,664 Laszlo, that is so profound. 227 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:27,250 Thank you very much. I just thought of it a second ago. 228 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,711 You know what? One time I did see Guillermo take 229 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:35,717 a little can of Pringles off the table of snacks that the documentary crew uses. 230 00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:39,888 So, maybe he's worried that he won't be able to steal food anymore. 231 00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,097 Not stealing. 232 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:43,975 No, he's sad because he has to end his secret affair 233 00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,352 with Nate, the boom operator. 234 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,270 - What? - [Nandor] Guillermo, you dirty dog. 235 00:10:47,271 --> 00:10:49,773 You know, another time I saw Guillermo take 236 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,150 as many Tic Tacs as he could fit in his hands. 237 00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:53,068 Okay. 238 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,779 You people know nothing about human psychologies. 239 00:10:55,780 --> 00:11:00,533 Guillermo is afraid that he has wasted 16 years of his life serving us 240 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:02,535 and it has prevented him from growing 241 00:11:02,536 --> 00:11:04,287 - or changing in any way. - [Nandor] Good point. 242 00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:06,748 The ending of this documentary is giving him 243 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,376 a preview of the ending of his own frail, human life. 244 00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:12,128 Does that sound right, Gizmo? Does that resonate? 245 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:17,008 I think the question that Gizmo is asking himself is, "To be or not to be?" 246 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:22,138 Because that is the question Gizmo is asking himself. 247 00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,264 So eloquent. 248 00:11:23,265 --> 00:11:24,683 Again, just off the top of my head. 249 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,227 Just gonna circle back to what I was saying. 250 00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:30,605 Guillermo is very worried that he will feel equally as unfulfilled 251 00:11:30,606 --> 00:11:32,691 by his own life's journey and meaning. 252 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:33,775 Be well, everyone. 253 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,068 - It's not. - [Colin] I know what it is. 254 00:11:35,069 --> 00:11:37,779 It's Greg, the A-camera operator, right? 255 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:41,199 Is it Greg, the A-camera operator, that you've been secretly fucking? 256 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,368 - [Guillermo] No. - And does Nate, the boom operator, 257 00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,453 - know about this? - I'm not having affairs with anyone. 258 00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:49,040 Or is it Frank the grip that looks a lot like Nandor? 259 00:11:49,041 --> 00:11:52,585 - [Nandor] He doesn't look like me. - No, that's not it. No. No offense. 260 00:11:52,586 --> 00:11:54,170 You must get upset that things end, right? 261 00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:57,048 Wouldn't mind if this house meeting ended soon. 262 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:58,675 So what if the documentary ends? 263 00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:01,970 Before you know it, a new documentary crew will come in 264 00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,972 and make a whole new documentary about us. 265 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,224 [scoffs] Well, that seems highly unlikely. 266 00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:10,354 Excuse me. This is not even the first documentary that was made about us. 267 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:12,690 What? 268 00:12:15,109 --> 00:12:17,610 {\an8}[Nandor] House meeting! House meeting! 269 00:12:17,611 --> 00:12:20,321 {\an8}Oh, good. You are all here. Excellent. 270 00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:23,742 Right. Uh, house meeting item number one. 271 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,454 I want to talk about general hygiene in the cell. 272 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:32,333 Please, please, please finish a whole victim before moving on to the next, okay? 273 00:12:32,334 --> 00:12:33,251 [all groan] 274 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:35,754 Well, I wouldn't have to keep saying it if we just did it. 275 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,964 [grunts] Jerry, yes. New business? 276 00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:40,175 Extremely old business. 277 00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:43,762 I really think we need to start making more progress conquering America. 278 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,222 Um, hello? We have been making some progress. 279 00:12:46,223 --> 00:12:48,224 We've already got some of Ashley Street. 280 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:49,768 Laszlo, are you hearing this? 281 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,603 Yes, yes. Very good. Thank you! 282 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,062 That's it. [sighs] 283 00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:54,189 Wait, where are you going? 284 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,983 I'll tell you where I'm going. I'm going into super-slumber. 285 00:12:56,984 --> 00:12:59,152 - He was always saying that. - [Nadja] 286 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:02,197 The cheek on it! Laszlo! Hello? 287 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:03,448 - Eureka! - What? 288 00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:07,744 I've got it! Now, if I increase the voltage to the diaphragm muscles, 289 00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:12,625 the heart should start beating of its own accord, much like this. 290 00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:16,711 [Laszlo] Oh, fucking hell. 291 00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:18,129 [Nadja] Oh, Laszlo. 292 00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:21,925 [Colin] Oh, hey. Big article here on the water main break. 293 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,844 "That was the worst flood I've seen since the Great Flood 294 00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:29,641 of 1892, says local resident Nandor Lee, a dentist." 295 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,559 Nandor, you fucking idiot! 296 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,686 Now everyone's going to know that we are vampires, 297 00:13:33,687 --> 00:13:35,438 and that we've lived here for hundreds of years. 298 00:13:35,439 --> 00:13:37,524 [Laszlo] Everyone grab their disguises. 299 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,609 We've gotta hit the road before they come for us. 300 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:41,319 - [Nandor groans] - [Nadja grunts] 301 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,404 Everybody, grab your go bags! 302 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:48,243 No! This where we make our final sta... [screaming] 303 00:13:48,244 --> 00:13:50,453 [grunting] Oh, damn it! 304 00:13:50,454 --> 00:13:54,332 Maybe they don't think we are vampires. I just said that I'm a dentist. 305 00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:58,044 No, you idiot! You said "Nandor the Relentless." 306 00:13:58,045 --> 00:14:00,463 They thought you said "Nandor Lee, a dentist." 307 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:01,464 Shit. 308 00:14:01,465 --> 00:14:03,758 Who the fuck are you? And how the fuck did you get in here? 309 00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:06,511 - And a pleasure to meet you, young lady. - [Nadja] Oh. 310 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:09,556 My name's Daytona, Jackie Daytona. 311 00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:13,017 And I hail from Tucson. Tucson, "Arizonia." 312 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,436 Is this guy here to kill us? 313 00:14:15,437 --> 00:14:16,813 It's me, Laszlo! 314 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:21,192 Oh, Laszlo, did you just see the very sexy man from "Arizonia"? 315 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:23,611 That's... Do you know what? Never mind. We have to go and hit the road. 316 00:14:23,612 --> 00:14:26,531 - Yes, we should. - No, I surrender to no one! 317 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:28,283 - Come on! - I've gotta do one more thing, my darling. 318 00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:29,200 Leave it! 319 00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:32,245 She thinks I'm gonna leave here without my witch's skin hat. 320 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,372 - [Nadja] Leave it! - Well, that would be bullshit. 321 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:35,916 I'm standing my ground! 322 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:45,758 Wow. Lot of the stuff that happened while I was here happened before. 323 00:14:45,759 --> 00:14:50,013 I mean, there was no me in there, but I was having very fun adventure. 324 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:51,848 So, did the documentary ever come out? 325 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:54,017 No. They filmed us for ten years, 326 00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:57,562 but then they decided that they didn't have enough good material. 327 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:59,689 Yeah. Said it's just a bunch of boring people 328 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,858 doing the same old shit day after day. 329 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:04,402 Nothing changes. No one ever grows. 330 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:06,905 - It's pointless. Yada yada. - That too. 331 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,948 See, this is what I've been trying to say, you know? 332 00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:12,577 We've gotten a second chance to set the record straight on... on vampire life. 333 00:15:12,578 --> 00:15:14,662 We can't stop filming. [chuckles] Just not now. 334 00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,080 They haven't even scratched the surface 335 00:15:16,081 --> 00:15:18,541 you know, of the glory and majesty of vampirism. 336 00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,752 - They haven't even really-- - Guillermo. Guillermo, sweetie. 337 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,671 Would you mind if I use my deep understanding 338 00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:27,008 of human psychologies to offer up some help for you? 339 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,301 No, thank you. I'm fine, Nadja. 340 00:15:28,302 --> 00:15:29,385 Okay, well I'm gonna do it anyway. 341 00:15:29,386 --> 00:15:32,221 I want you to know that I'm talking with you, not at you. 342 00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:34,182 - Thank you. [breathing heavily] - And I say this with love. 343 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,352 It's over! 344 00:15:37,561 --> 00:15:39,772 - Did you receive that, or... - [yells] What? 345 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:47,070 If you really feel like you need a special ending to this, 346 00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,197 you have about an hour to make it happen, cap'n. 347 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,199 Actually, now about a half hour. 348 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:54,661 Why don't you do that little dance you've been dying to do? 349 00:15:54,662 --> 00:15:56,996 - Then we can call it a night. - [all] Dance. 350 00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:59,248 - Come on, boy. Dance! - Dance! Dance! Dance! 351 00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:00,625 Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! 352 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:02,710 Stop! We need an ending. It has to be good! Okay? 353 00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:05,089 It has to be good, and it has to mean something. 354 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,216 Give viewers emotional closure. 355 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,342 He's absolutely right. 356 00:16:09,343 --> 00:16:12,303 A lot of shows biff it when it comes to sticking the landing. 357 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:15,974 I can't tell you how many comments I've written about this very topic. 358 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:21,312 Check me out in the discussion threads on Reddit, IndieWire, Variety, Deadline, 359 00:16:21,313 --> 00:16:26,484 TV Guide, TV Insider, IMDb, Hollywood Reporter, Den of Geek. 360 00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,278 Oh, oh. I just got the perfect ending. [chuckles] 361 00:16:29,279 --> 00:16:30,655 Great. [sighs] 362 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,700 - Guillermo becomes a vampire. - [Guillermo] Mm-hmm. Okay. 363 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,785 We did that already last year. 364 00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,912 - [The Guide] Did we? - [Nandor] Yes, we did. 365 00:16:37,913 --> 00:16:39,580 We turned Guillermo into a vampire, 366 00:16:39,581 --> 00:16:42,542 and then Guillermo decided, "I don't want to be a vampire anymore." 367 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:45,128 So we had to turn him back again. Took fucking ages. 368 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,256 Really should have finished filming at that point, I think. Great out. 369 00:16:48,257 --> 00:16:51,050 Okay, come on. There has to be something we've learned over the past six years. 370 00:16:51,051 --> 00:16:54,804 You know, how we've grown, life lesson. What have we learned? [titters] 371 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,931 Don't turn Guillermo into a fucking vampire. 372 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:58,474 Okay. Anyone else? 373 00:16:58,475 --> 00:16:59,851 [Nandor] Uh... 374 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,854 [Guillermo] A lesson we've learned. [sighs] 375 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:07,735 How we've grown, how we've changed. Right? Anyone? 376 00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:12,655 Laszlo, come on. You're a man of science, so surely you must have learned something. 377 00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:14,323 Oh. All right, then. 378 00:17:14,324 --> 00:17:16,451 ♪ We've had lots of laughs ♪ 379 00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:17,368 Okay. 380 00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,537 ♪Sucked lots of blood ♪ 381 00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:20,705 Yeah. 382 00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:23,791 And then fucked each other senseless. How's that? 383 00:17:23,792 --> 00:17:25,418 - [Nadja] Very nice. - Good. It's good. 384 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,003 Anyone else? [stammers] The Guide. 385 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,214 You know what? Sure, I think I might have something to contribute. 386 00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:32,258 - [Guillermo] Thank you! Great. - All right. [clears throat] 387 00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:35,971 So, all of us in this room are immigrants. 388 00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:41,435 We have come from far-off lands to this New World for a fresh start. 389 00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:44,645 - And even though we're vampires... - [whispers] Some of us. 390 00:17:44,646 --> 00:17:47,482 ...this country would not be what it is without us. 391 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:52,445 And we would not be who we are without this country. 392 00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,780 - Mmm. Yeah. - Yes. 393 00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:54,697 That's beautiful. 394 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:59,619 But lately it seems like there a lot of other immigrants 395 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,455 entering this great country illegally. 396 00:18:02,456 --> 00:18:03,956 - Okay. - And we can not-- 397 00:18:03,957 --> 00:18:05,333 We don't think we wanna end on that note. 398 00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:06,250 I'm just saying. 399 00:18:06,251 --> 00:18:07,752 Colin, how 'bout you? What have you learned? 400 00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:08,669 MAGAFV. 401 00:18:08,670 --> 00:18:09,587 - [Guillermo] Well-- - What? 402 00:18:09,588 --> 00:18:13,257 MAGAFV. [sighs] Make America great again for vampires. 403 00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:16,594 [chuckles] We gotta... We need to edit that part out. And probably burn that thing. 404 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:21,224 Oh, my big boy. This really is so much simpler than you are making it. 405 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:25,311 If you really need this special ending, hello, I'm a vampire. 406 00:18:25,312 --> 00:18:27,021 I can just hypnotize everyone who watches this, 407 00:18:27,022 --> 00:18:28,981 and give them the ending they would find most satisfying. 408 00:18:28,982 --> 00:18:29,941 How would that even work? 409 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,235 Like this. 410 00:18:32,027 --> 00:18:37,406 You who are watching this will now see the most perfect ending 411 00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:44,248 you could possibly imagine with your simple little human minds. 412 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,087 - Honey. - [audience laughing] 413 00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,633 Honey, wake up. 414 00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:58,262 - You won't believe the dream I just had. - Mmm. 415 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:01,390 Don't you wanna hear about it? 416 00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,600 [grunts, sighs] 417 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,694 All right, Nandor. What is it? 418 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:19,824 I was a vampire, and I lived with a bunch of other vampires 419 00:19:19,825 --> 00:19:21,827 in this old house in Staten Island. 420 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,414 I'm happy for you. Good night. 421 00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:29,334 Nothing. Nothing made sense in this place. 422 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:31,961 There was this vampire couple. 423 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:35,966 He was, like, a old-timey, British type guy. 424 00:19:36,550 --> 00:19:40,804 And his wife was from this small Mediterranean island. 425 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:46,476 And she was, like, super aggressive and cleverer than me 426 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:52,482 And there was this bald guy who was, like, really boring... 427 00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:55,402 but on purpose. 428 00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,823 And you were, like, my butler or something. 429 00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,033 [chuckles] 430 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,409 Well, that settles it. 431 00:20:03,410 --> 00:20:05,995 No more Japanese food before you go to bed. 432 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,080 Good night. 433 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:19,050 And we were all having sex with each other all the time. 434 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,636 Not with you, Guillermo. 435 00:20:21,136 --> 00:20:22,678 [Guillermo] Go back to sleep. 436 00:20:22,679 --> 00:20:24,389 Good night, honey. 437 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:27,017 [theme song playing] 438 00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:37,068 So will the hypnosis work? 439 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,611 Probably. Maybe. 440 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,280 I mean, I did use very extra powerful hypnosis. 441 00:20:41,281 --> 00:20:44,784 So anyone who watches, his IQ will drop by ten to 20 points 442 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,410 due to the brain scramblies. 443 00:20:46,411 --> 00:20:50,123 But that's the price of business, is it not? [chuckles] 444 00:20:51,041 --> 00:20:54,126 I, uh... I actually have something I'd like to say 445 00:20:54,127 --> 00:20:58,756 regarding what I've learned these past few years. 446 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:04,303 We're born into families, and-and my family wasn't... wasn't great. 447 00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:07,849 But we also have our chosen families. 448 00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:12,520 Uh, people who we choose to surround ourselves with. 449 00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:15,022 They may not be your blood relatives 450 00:21:15,023 --> 00:21:18,943 but they look out for you and you look out for them. 451 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:19,860 Mmm. 452 00:21:19,861 --> 00:21:23,030 And they accept you for who you are 453 00:21:23,031 --> 00:21:26,701 and lift you up when you're down. 454 00:21:26,702 --> 00:21:30,831 Being here tonight with you guys makes me realize, um... 455 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:32,665 There, there. 456 00:21:32,666 --> 00:21:38,713 Makes me realize how much I dearly miss my chosen family, 457 00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:42,883 who all died in a steamboat accident in 1906, 458 00:21:42,884 --> 00:21:45,886 leaving me with no choice but to hang out with you stinky turds. 459 00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,972 Okay, you know what? I tried and-- 460 00:21:47,973 --> 00:21:50,142 [Nandor] No. You know what, Guillermo? You're right. 461 00:21:50,767 --> 00:21:54,521 This is an important moment and it requires important words. Excuse me? 462 00:21:55,188 --> 00:21:58,441 I too, like Colin Robinson, have been thinking 463 00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:02,278 not just about this world but my own life. 464 00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:05,490 From my humble beginnings as a foot soldier in Al Quolanudar 465 00:22:06,241 --> 00:22:08,367 to my reign of terror as a great warrior, 466 00:22:08,368 --> 00:22:12,872 pillaging and killing whilst riding my horse, John. 467 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:16,667 From becoming a vampire to arriving in this land of plenty. 468 00:22:16,668 --> 00:22:18,336 I've lived a full life, 469 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,629 but there's always been something missing 470 00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:24,384 and it is now that I realize what that something is: 471 00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:28,429 An underground crime fighting lair 472 00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:31,849 accessible only by an elevator coffin thingy. 473 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:34,560 Now, hear me out, use a lever in the coffin, 474 00:22:34,561 --> 00:22:36,228 - you pull it, the floor opens up... - Okay. 475 00:22:36,229 --> 00:22:37,688 - ...and the coffin... - Okay. Okay. 476 00:22:37,689 --> 00:22:38,856 I'm talking here. 477 00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:41,234 Well, I feel like you've only thought about this for the last two weeks. 478 00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:43,986 Thank you for shitting on my dream. 479 00:22:43,987 --> 00:22:45,154 - I wasn't sh-- - In fact, you know, 480 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,906 that's a really good name for this documentary. 481 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,824 Thank You For Shitting All Over My Dream. 482 00:22:48,825 --> 00:22:49,784 Okay, fine. You know what? 483 00:22:49,785 --> 00:22:51,452 - I'm out. - Wait. No, Guillermo. 484 00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:53,037 Why don't you tell us what you've learned? 485 00:22:53,038 --> 00:22:54,830 Better still, why don't you tell it in song? 486 00:22:54,831 --> 00:22:57,166 Oh, yes. And you could do a little dance as well. 487 00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,834 - Yeah, and a jig. Do a jig. - [Laszlo] Dance, boy. 488 00:22:58,835 --> 00:23:02,129 [all cheering] Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. Dance. 489 00:23:02,130 --> 00:23:05,633 Silence! There'll be no dancing or jigging or singing. 490 00:23:05,634 --> 00:23:08,260 Guillermo, you have the floor. Speak from the heart. 491 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:09,720 Okay. 492 00:23:09,721 --> 00:23:10,888 I believe in you. 493 00:23:10,889 --> 00:23:12,932 - Thank you. - Make it good. 494 00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,433 - I guess-- - To the camera. 495 00:23:14,434 --> 00:23:15,726 Okay. 496 00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,020 - I guess-- - To that camera. 497 00:23:19,856 --> 00:23:20,857 - I guess-- - Don't biff it. 498 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,735 [clears throat] So... 499 00:23:24,694 --> 00:23:29,241 [clicks tongue] I guess I came to this house because I wanted to be a vampire. 500 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:31,660 And I became one. 501 00:23:32,661 --> 00:23:34,036 Well, briefly. 502 00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,581 It just wasn't for me, um... 503 00:23:37,624 --> 00:23:39,042 But I stayed in the house. 504 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:40,960 And why did I stay? 505 00:23:40,961 --> 00:23:46,465 Well... [chuckles] ...I mean, for 16 years, I was chasing this dream, you know? 506 00:23:46,466 --> 00:23:49,969 - And when that dream was gone... - [Nandor] Shit. 507 00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:50,970 ...I still stayed. 508 00:23:50,971 --> 00:23:52,471 [Nadja] My darling. What is he doing? 509 00:23:52,472 --> 00:23:54,515 - I think humans like to think that... - [Laszlo] He's fucking my bear. 510 00:23:54,516 --> 00:23:56,600 - ...we have thousands of roads... - [Nadja] Can you make him stop? 511 00:23:56,601 --> 00:23:57,810 we can choose from, right? 512 00:23:57,811 --> 00:23:59,895 - [Laszlo] I don't think I can. - We only have two, really. 513 00:23:59,896 --> 00:24:02,189 - [Colin] He'll stop when he's finished. - You're only always leaving home... 514 00:24:02,190 --> 00:24:04,567 - If you know what I mean. - ...or you always coming back to home. 515 00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:06,360 [The Guide] I don't mind that he's humping the bear... 516 00:24:06,361 --> 00:24:07,486 What is home? I'm glad you asked. 517 00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:09,822 [The Guide] He's making eye contact with me directly while he does it. 518 00:24:09,823 --> 00:24:11,407 Home is essentially where your friends are. 519 00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:13,117 - Friends... - [Nandor] Don't make eye contact... 520 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:14,952 You able to hear me? Is the mic gonna pick it up? 521 00:24:14,953 --> 00:24:17,538 - I was talking about friends... - [Monster] Guide lady, look me. 522 00:24:17,539 --> 00:24:20,040 - ...who are there to build you up, you know? - [Nandor] Worth a try. 523 00:24:20,041 --> 00:24:22,126 They are there to support you. They weren't just-- 524 00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:25,129 - [Nadja] You know, I was finding it quite... - They're there. They become a part of you. 525 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:29,800 They've made you who you are. They are your everything. 526 00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:31,803 - [all cheering, applauding] Nice. - Thank you. 527 00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:34,722 Oh, okay. I guess, they're clapping 528 00:24:34,723 --> 00:24:37,016 for the Monster and whatever they did with the bear. 529 00:24:37,017 --> 00:24:39,310 Guillermo, you won't believe what just happened. 530 00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,395 The Monster fucked that bear. 531 00:24:41,396 --> 00:24:43,606 Some wild and whacky stuff. 532 00:24:43,607 --> 00:24:46,859 - [Nadja] Now he's ripped his penis off. - [The Guide] Oh, no. 533 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,862 [Laszlo] He's handing it to The Guide, and they say romance is dead. 534 00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:52,781 - [The Guide snickers] - [Laszlo] If Gizmo is not gonna sing... 535 00:24:52,782 --> 00:24:54,116 - Cheers. - [Laszlo] ...then I might. 536 00:24:54,117 --> 00:24:55,159 - Yeah. No. - [piano playing] 537 00:24:55,160 --> 00:24:56,744 [Laszlo] I love the singsong. Wanna join? 538 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:58,996 - You guys go ahead. - [The Guide clears throat] 539 00:24:58,997 --> 00:25:02,751 ♪ We'll meet again ♪ 540 00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:05,587 ♪ Don't know where ♪ 541 00:25:06,254 --> 00:25:09,798 ♪ Don't know when ♪ 542 00:25:09,799 --> 00:25:10,800 Everyone, join in. 543 00:25:11,551 --> 00:25:15,054 [all] ♪ But I know we'll meet again ♪ 544 00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:19,518 ♪ Some sunny day ♪ 545 00:25:21,269 --> 00:25:22,603 [sobbing] 546 00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:26,274 [all] ♪ Keep smiling through ♪ 547 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,069 ♪ Just like you ♪ 548 00:25:29,611 --> 00:25:32,822 ♪ Always do ♪ 549 00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:35,991 ♪ Till the blue skies drive ♪ 550 00:25:35,992 --> 00:25:41,413 ♪The dark clouds far away ♪ 551 00:25:41,414 --> 00:25:43,290 - [Laszlo] Everyone except The Guide. - [The Guide] Yeah. 552 00:25:43,291 --> 00:25:46,961 [all] ♪ So will you please say hello ♪ 553 00:25:46,962 --> 00:25:49,964 ♪ To the folks that I know ♪ 554 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:54,844 ♪ Tell them it won't be long ♪ 555 00:25:58,265 --> 00:26:02,602 Guillermo, I was very moved by your final words of wisdom to camera. 556 00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:04,938 Thank you. 557 00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:09,775 To be honest, Guillermo, I was also a little sad 558 00:26:09,776 --> 00:26:11,860 when they said the documentary was ending. 559 00:26:11,861 --> 00:26:15,030 But after giving it a lot of thought, 560 00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:20,286 I think it's a good thing that the cameras aren't filming us all the time. 561 00:26:20,287 --> 00:26:21,537 Why is that? 562 00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:23,080 Lots of reasons. 563 00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:25,874 Such as? 564 00:26:25,875 --> 00:26:29,044 You know those big lights that they use when they film us? 565 00:26:29,045 --> 00:26:29,962 Mm-hmm. 566 00:26:29,963 --> 00:26:31,880 Sometimes they get too hot. 567 00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:34,550 And when they do, they give off a smell. 568 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,969 And when I smell that smell, 569 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:38,930 I think my hair is on fire. 570 00:26:40,015 --> 00:26:41,599 So I definitely won't miss that. 571 00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:45,061 And how about one... one of the other reasons? 572 00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:48,565 Actually, you know, that's it. 573 00:26:50,525 --> 00:26:52,027 [Nandor sighs] 574 00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:55,155 - Wait. [sighs] - Yes. 575 00:26:55,822 --> 00:27:02,662 I think you should know that tomorrow when you wake up, I won't be here. 576 00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:06,041 What even are you talking about, Guillermo? 577 00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:08,626 It's time to move on. 578 00:27:08,627 --> 00:27:13,213 It's been time for me to move on for quite a while now. [chuckles] 579 00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:18,178 And with the documentary and everything ending, 580 00:27:19,512 --> 00:27:22,599 I mean... [chuckles] ...what other kind of sign do I need from the universe? 581 00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:26,936 So I'm going to do that. 582 00:27:27,562 --> 00:27:32,024 But what about us joining forces and fighting crime in a coequal partnership? 583 00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:36,654 Operating out of a hidden underground lair accessible exclusively 584 00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:39,115 by a top secret coffin elevator. 585 00:27:39,824 --> 00:27:40,909 Tell you what. 586 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,163 - Wherever I go, wherever I am, - Mm-hmm. 587 00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:47,749 - I'll look at the news every night. - Hmm. 588 00:27:48,583 --> 00:27:53,629 And if I ever hear of some magnificent fearsome 589 00:27:53,630 --> 00:27:58,134 half-man, half-bat bringing evildoers to justice, 590 00:27:59,969 --> 00:28:01,220 I'll know who that was. 591 00:28:01,221 --> 00:28:02,763 Because it will be me. 592 00:28:02,764 --> 00:28:05,809 Yeah. That's kinda what I meant. 593 00:28:06,601 --> 00:28:08,770 Goodbye, Guillermo. 594 00:28:12,065 --> 00:28:14,233 [smacks lips] Goodbye, Master. 595 00:28:14,234 --> 00:28:16,319 You can call me Nandor. 596 00:28:19,197 --> 00:28:20,240 I know. 597 00:28:22,992 --> 00:28:25,412 But you'll always be Master to me. 598 00:28:29,666 --> 00:28:30,749 [♪ "We'll Meet Again" playing] 599 00:28:30,750 --> 00:28:31,876 ♪ We'll meet again ♪ 600 00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:35,505 ♪ Don't know where, don't know when ♪ 601 00:28:36,339 --> 00:28:41,720 ♪ But I know we'll meet again Some sunny day ♪ 602 00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,015 ♪ Keep smilin' through ♪ 603 00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:50,687 ♪ Just like you always do ♪ 604 00:28:51,396 --> 00:28:56,735 ♪ Till the blue skies Drive the dark clouds far away ♪ 605 00:28:57,861 --> 00:29:00,738 ♪ So will you please say hello ♪ 606 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,656 ♪ To the folks that I know? ♪ 607 00:29:02,657 --> 00:29:04,909 ♪Tell them I won't be long ♪ 608 00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:07,870 ♪ They'll be happy to know... ♪ 609 00:29:07,871 --> 00:29:08,996 [Nail] Tail slate. 610 00:29:08,997 --> 00:29:12,082 ♪ That as you saw me go I was singing this...♪ 611 00:29:12,083 --> 00:29:13,251 [Nate] Ladder. 612 00:29:14,878 --> 00:29:17,337 ♪ We'll meet again ♪ 613 00:29:17,338 --> 00:29:18,255 Right there. 614 00:29:18,256 --> 00:29:20,884 ♪ Don't know where, don't know when ♪ 615 00:29:21,551 --> 00:29:24,636 ♪ But I know we'll meet again... ♪ 616 00:29:24,637 --> 00:29:26,805 Hi. Sorry. Excuse me. 617 00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:30,225 Sorry. Sorry, guys. Sorry. Just a minute. I need to... 618 00:29:30,226 --> 00:29:31,603 [Nate] Hold the work. 619 00:29:32,353 --> 00:29:33,354 - Thank you. - Yeah. 620 00:29:34,439 --> 00:29:35,774 Sorry. 621 00:29:39,819 --> 00:29:43,030 Guillermo, I thought I'd never see you again. 622 00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:46,533 No, I just said those things because I wanted to give the documentary an ending. 623 00:29:46,534 --> 00:29:49,995 So we can commence with our crime fighting partnership? 624 00:29:49,996 --> 00:29:53,290 No. I really do need to do my own thing. 625 00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:56,794 But just because we don't work together, doesn't mean we can't be friends. 626 00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:58,128 Friends? 627 00:29:58,129 --> 00:29:59,130 Yeah. 628 00:29:59,756 --> 00:30:03,259 Guillermo, I've never allowed you to do this before, but... 629 00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:07,971 come and sit with me inside my coffin. 630 00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:08,972 Really? 631 00:30:08,973 --> 00:30:11,267 - Mm-hmm. - Oh. 632 00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:20,692 To be friends would be cool. But you know what would be really cool? 633 00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:21,778 What? 634 00:30:26,741 --> 00:30:30,619 Are you kidding me? What? When did you do this? 635 00:30:30,620 --> 00:30:33,413 - I've been working on it a while. - Well, does it work? 636 00:30:33,414 --> 00:30:37,334 There's only one way to find out. Guillermo, let's roll. 637 00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:40,171 Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. [screams] 638 00:30:44,175 --> 00:30:46,343 [♪ "Say Goodbye to Hollywood"] 639 00:30:46,344 --> 00:30:49,430 ♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪ 640 00:30:50,348 --> 00:30:53,351 ♪ Say goodbye my baby ♪ 641 00:30:54,143 --> 00:30:57,063 ♪ Say goodbye to Hollywood ♪ 642 00:30:57,897 --> 00:31:01,400 ♪ Say goodbye my baby ♪ 643 00:31:01,401 --> 00:31:04,278 [Nandor] Now before we go into the reading of the letter... 644 00:31:04,279 --> 00:31:07,447 So this is a rough cut, right? You're open to notes? 645 00:31:07,448 --> 00:31:08,824 [shushes] Colin Robinson. 646 00:31:08,825 --> 00:31:11,743 Please, finish a whole victim before moving on 647 00:31:11,744 --> 00:31:13,078 to a next one, okay? 648 00:31:13,079 --> 00:31:14,580 I do say that a lot, don't I? 649 00:31:14,581 --> 00:31:17,332 So this is going to be on the television? 650 00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:18,876 I bloody hope not. 651 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:21,420 - Well, I get the gist. - [Nandor] It's not hygienic! 652 00:31:21,421 --> 00:31:22,672 Think I do too. 653 00:31:51,475 --> 00:31:53,684 Okay, so maybe you didn't see the ending that you wanted to. 654 00:31:53,685 --> 00:31:56,855 But that is not my fault. I did a very good hypnosis. 655 00:31:57,439 --> 00:31:59,356 But fine, whatever. [clears throat] 656 00:31:59,357 --> 00:32:03,486 You who are watching this, will now imagine another ending 657 00:32:03,487 --> 00:32:05,363 than the one that you saw before. 658 00:32:09,493 --> 00:32:12,495 So why play into his hands? We can protect you. 659 00:32:12,496 --> 00:32:16,457 [scoffs] You have no idea who you're dealing with. 660 00:32:16,458 --> 00:32:20,711 Y-You think you can catch Nandor the Relentless? 661 00:32:20,712 --> 00:32:25,091 [scoffs] Fuck you. I told you he never relents. 662 00:32:25,717 --> 00:32:27,886 [stammers] I'm better off on my own. 663 00:32:31,515 --> 00:32:35,227 I tried to tell you. You just weren't listening. 664 00:32:36,686 --> 00:32:37,979 Fucking cops. 665 00:32:41,858 --> 00:32:46,695 One composition book/diary, one copy of the Staten Island Chronicle 666 00:32:46,696 --> 00:32:49,449 and one antique locket. Sign here. 667 00:32:49,950 --> 00:32:53,118 This case, I can't make heads or tails of it. [grunts] 668 00:32:53,119 --> 00:32:56,580 I know. Listened to that guy's fucking story for 12 hours, 669 00:32:56,581 --> 00:32:59,416 and I'm more confused now than when we started. [sighs] 670 00:32:59,417 --> 00:33:03,421 Detective Rinaldi, you are a P-I-G. 671 00:33:03,922 --> 00:33:06,549 Yeah. That's what my wife always says. 672 00:33:06,550 --> 00:33:08,968 But there's a method to my madness. 673 00:33:08,969 --> 00:33:11,512 You just have to look at it from a distance. 674 00:33:11,513 --> 00:33:12,806 Everything falls into place. 675 00:33:13,557 --> 00:33:15,724 That's what I say about my garage. 676 00:33:15,725 --> 00:33:20,105 I've got, like, I don't know, 40, 50 Guy Pillows stacked from floor to ceiling... 677 00:33:26,111 --> 00:33:27,736 [Colin] It's not that complicated. 678 00:33:27,737 --> 00:33:30,739 {\an8}It's actually quite simple. 679 00:33:30,740 --> 00:33:32,324 You're just not looking at it right. 680 00:33:32,325 --> 00:33:35,745 [Laszlo] I now go by the name of Daytona. Jackie Daytona. 681 00:33:36,830 --> 00:33:38,747 [Shanice] It's a house right here in Staten Island. 682 00:33:38,748 --> 00:33:41,000 - [Laszlo] New York City. - [Nadja] We moved here from Europe 683 00:33:41,001 --> 00:33:42,543 - about 200 years ago. - [Sean] The Guy Pillow. 684 00:33:42,544 --> 00:33:45,045 [Laszlo] Come on, let's have a clap for gay. 685 00:33:45,046 --> 00:33:47,423 We must kill Joanna Roscoe. 686 00:33:47,424 --> 00:33:49,633 [Laszlo] To create new life from dead human parts. 687 00:33:49,634 --> 00:33:50,676 [Guillermo] Vampires are real. 688 00:33:50,677 --> 00:33:53,679 The job of a vampire's familiar is not an easy one. 689 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:55,097 - [Laszlo, Nadja] Gizmo! - [Guillermo] Vault. 690 00:33:55,098 --> 00:33:57,141 - [Colin] Gigi? - [Nandor] About this tall, glasses, 691 00:33:57,142 --> 00:33:58,058 shitty sweater. 692 00:33:58,059 --> 00:33:59,643 - [Laszlo] Guillermo? - My name's Guillermo de la Cruz. 693 00:33:59,644 --> 00:34:01,520 - [Nandor] Guillermo de la Cruz. - [Colin] De La Cruz. 694 00:34:01,521 --> 00:34:02,771 [Laszlo] Mickey Guillermo. 695 00:34:02,772 --> 00:34:05,609 [Nandor] He's actually quite the skilled vampire hunter. 696 00:34:06,484 --> 00:34:07,985 - [The Guide] And this was the woman? - [Colin] Yes. 697 00:34:07,986 --> 00:34:09,946 {\an8}[Colin, Nadja] Nadja of Antipaxos. 698 00:34:10,572 --> 00:34:13,240 - [Colin] I guess his real name was Leslie. - [Laszlo] Leslie Cravensworth. 699 00:34:13,241 --> 00:34:15,075 - [Colin] But everyone called him Laszlo. - [Nadja] Laszlo. 700 00:34:15,076 --> 00:34:16,493 - [Nandor] Laszlo. - [Simon] Laszlo! 701 00:34:16,494 --> 00:34:17,870 [Colin] And he called himself Nandor. 702 00:34:17,871 --> 00:34:18,954 - [Laszlo] Nandor. - [Colin] Nan-man? 703 00:34:18,955 --> 00:34:20,581 - Nandor the Relentless. - Relentless. 704 00:34:20,582 --> 00:34:23,042 [Nandor, Laszlo] Al Quolanudar. 705 00:34:23,043 --> 00:34:27,504 [Nadja] I have just two words for you: Vampire nightclub. 706 00:34:27,505 --> 00:34:30,674 This is my club, everyone. I'm Nadja, and it's called Nadja's. 707 00:34:30,675 --> 00:34:32,385 It's my club! [laughs] 708 00:34:32,927 --> 00:34:33,844 [Nandor] Shape-shifters 709 00:34:33,845 --> 00:34:36,555 - are extremely freaky. - [Nadja whispers] Shape-shifters. 710 00:34:36,556 --> 00:34:38,515 [Nandor] Hide in the shadows. 711 00:34:38,516 --> 00:34:40,225 [overlapping voices] 712 00:34:40,226 --> 00:34:42,061 The beige man, which way did he go? 713 00:34:42,062 --> 00:34:43,520 Uh, I think that way. 714 00:34:43,521 --> 00:34:45,482 [overlapping voices continue] 715 00:34:55,700 --> 00:34:57,451 My name is Colin Robinson. 716 00:34:57,452 --> 00:34:58,661 [Sean] Guy who looks like a fetus. 717 00:34:58,662 --> 00:35:01,246 - [Colin] I got you this necklace. - [Evie] Colin Robinson. 718 00:35:01,247 --> 00:35:05,209 [Colin] Evie Russell, when we dated, she destroyed me. 719 00:35:05,210 --> 00:35:08,629 My look-alike is kind of giving me a chub. 720 00:35:08,630 --> 00:35:10,673 [Evie] I wish it didn't have to be this way. 721 00:35:10,674 --> 00:35:13,634 [Laszlo] The Vampiric Council confiscated my beloved jalopy. 722 00:35:13,635 --> 00:35:14,968 [Colin] I didn't even know you could drive. 723 00:35:14,969 --> 00:35:16,054 [Laszlo] Well, I can't. 724 00:35:20,517 --> 00:35:23,394 [Colin] The greatest trick the devil ever pulled 725 00:35:23,395 --> 00:35:29,024 was convincing the world he was just too boring to listen to. 726 00:35:29,025 --> 00:35:30,819 And just like that... 727 00:35:33,113 --> 00:35:34,114 it's all over. 728 00:35:35,740 --> 00:35:37,825 And now, another one. 729 00:35:37,826 --> 00:35:43,540 And then your brains will be permanently fried, but you were asking for it. 730 00:35:45,750 --> 00:35:47,001 [door opens] 731 00:35:53,341 --> 00:35:55,427 [crowd chattering] 732 00:36:11,943 --> 00:36:12,986 Oh, oh, oh! 733 00:36:16,656 --> 00:36:17,866 [whispers] 734 00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:40,888 What have you done to my baby? 735 00:36:40,889 --> 00:36:42,848 Those are not normal eyes. 736 00:36:42,849 --> 00:36:45,393 He has Laszlo's eyes. 737 00:36:47,187 --> 00:36:51,148 No, they aren't. Laszlo's eyes are beautiful. 738 00:36:51,149 --> 00:36:52,609 What have you done to him? 739 00:36:53,109 --> 00:36:55,694 What have you done to him, you maniacs? 740 00:36:55,695 --> 00:36:57,404 Just go and look at him. 741 00:36:57,405 --> 00:36:59,239 He's really quite beautiful. 742 00:36:59,240 --> 00:37:00,867 He really is beautiful. 743 00:37:01,785 --> 00:37:03,620 Just look at him, my darling. 744 00:37:04,412 --> 00:37:06,205 - Look at your child. - [baby crying] 745 00:37:06,206 --> 00:37:07,498 Get her out of here. 746 00:37:07,499 --> 00:37:09,792 You are scaring him with your crazy rocking. 747 00:37:09,793 --> 00:37:12,044 Let Nadja do it. Go and sit down. 748 00:37:12,045 --> 00:37:15,089 A mother knows best how to rock her child. 749 00:37:25,725 --> 00:37:27,142 Oh. [sniffles] 750 00:37:27,143 --> 00:37:31,063 You're right. He's perfect. [sniffles] 751 00:37:31,064 --> 00:37:33,441 I don't know what I was so freaked out about. 752 00:37:34,108 --> 00:37:35,984 Come here, little one. 753 00:37:35,985 --> 00:37:38,111 He has his father's voice. 754 00:37:38,112 --> 00:37:39,154 [all laugh] 755 00:37:39,155 --> 00:37:42,074 [Nadja] Yes, Laszlo, he does. He really does. 756 00:37:42,075 --> 00:37:43,700 [Laszlo chuckles] As for his brother, 757 00:37:43,701 --> 00:37:46,370 I'm afraid he's not much to look at at all. 758 00:37:46,371 --> 00:37:49,498 Let's just hope he has a marvelous personality. 759 00:37:49,499 --> 00:37:51,542 Yes, he really looks nothing like me. 760 00:37:51,543 --> 00:37:54,670 Vampire genetics, they are a mystery, are they not? 761 00:37:54,671 --> 00:37:59,133 Yes, very hard to figure out how these things happen. 762 00:38:00,844 --> 00:38:01,845 [Laszlo laughs] 763 00:38:05,515 --> 00:38:06,516 Yes.